October 2022 thoughts

10/04 - I sat down with my boss today and told him I'd lost the joy that I once found in my job. There are some people who are resigning which creates some opportunities for lateral movement from faculty to staff. I am working too hard for too little pay with no real sick days or vacation days. I am a teeny bit sad when thinking about not teaching anymore. But also my kiddo is my primary concern now. If I can make the same income doing less work and less stressful work, why not make the switch if I can?

TLDR: now that I'm a parent, I have lost the spark I once had for my profession

10/10 - Milestone Monday - Kiddo loves stacking his wooden blocks. He makes a tower that is 10 blocks high. Then he shows me his "fist of power" before he knocks it down. He puts a cone-shaped block on top. Then lifts it up and puts another square block in the middle. Repeat. Repeat. He counts the blocks and if you ask him how many blocks there are, he will show you on his fingers. His finger counting is getting really good. Sometimes, he will head-butt the tower to knock it down. Then he needs a kiss on the forehead. I'm sure it doesn't really hurt but I don't mind giving kisses.

10/12 - Wondering Wednesday 

Me: conceived Marchling through IVF. Them: oh are you having another? I know someone who did IVF and then had two more naturally. Me: I'm 42. Them: so what? Marchling needs a sibling!

Me: kiddo is in Early Intervention for a speech delay. Them: I know someone who didn't talk until they were in preschool and they're fine now. Me: I know it isn't my fault but I feel like it is. I feel I failed as a mom.

Me: I am depressed and want to quit my job or make a major career change. Them: have you tried painting or watching standup comedy? It would be a waste of your talent to take a job that pays the same as you make now but with better benefits. Why not keep doing the job you have now because you're so good at it? You'll get bored of an easier job. Me: Don't I deserve easy?! Being a parent is hard enough.

I get so raw and vulnerable when it comes to sharing personal information and life choices. And I do feel this type of unsolicited advice is hurting my feelings. My spouse is also my coworker and he tells our colleagues everything we are going through because he is a talker. But then our colleagues come back at me with these anecdotes, which I assume they are sharing to try to be helpful. Am I being too sensitive? Sometimes I wish I could be less sensitive and just let it go. But here I am losing sleep over it while Marchling is asleep like an angel. I got 2 referrals to therapist/psychiatrist out of our insurance and the cost was like WOAH. Like annual passes to Disneyland for a family of 3. Yes that is my currency. Maybe I can treat my depression with many trips to Disneyland.

10/20 - Holy crap I can't believe this month is almost over. I feel like it was yesterday in September and I was like, "better grab a Halloween costume before they're all gone," and now it's like, "better book a hotel for Thanksgiving." We have stuff planned with the in-laws just about every other weekend from now until the end of the calendar year. Which on the one hand is good because LO hardly knows his grandparents who live just 2 hours drive away.

I'm praying this weekend goes better than our last visit with them in which they surprised LO with a slip and slide and inflatable pool but didn't tell any of us to bring swimsuits. Then LO didn't know how to do the slip and slide so I demonstrated IN MY CLOTHES and then had to sit around in my bra while my shirt was in the dryer. It was pretty hot that day, so it felt good to be soaked, but c'mon just let us know to bring a swim diaper for kiddo.

We're going apple picking, which I'm totally stoked about. I have a recipe for Hogwarts Pumpkin Juice (which is apple cider with pumpkin puree and spices in it). I made a costume for our cargo bicycle which I plan to debut on Sunday at a bike event. I got LO a bullhorn with a siren. He's really into rescue vehicles (ambulance, fire truck, police car, etc) and I know he's going to go crazy over the siren. I read the Amazon review which said it's really loud but I am hoping it will work OK for an outdoor cycling event. I may regret this deeply.

10/21 - Walking around with an empty stroller really throws people off. It shows how uncommon it is to do daycare dropoff without a car. If it were more common, I would not have to answer the question "where's the baby?" on a daily basis. I wish all our cities were more pedestrianized so that we wouldn't have to go to special places to walk safely. 2 weeks til daylight savings and while I appreciate the cooler temps, I miss the long days.