mental load of motherhood

Sometimes I feel like my husband is living on a different planet. Like he's not even trying to see what life is like on planet motherhood. Let me back up.

I get disgruntled when I promise myself time and then it gets taken away. So I guess I would be happier if I just resigned to the fact that I do not own my time, nor will I ever.

I thought it would be fine hosting Thanksgiving because I would have 3 days to get ready and to do my chiropractor appointment and to do some self care. Well as the universe tends to do, a fever came over my child. Now mind you it was only 1 degree, but I know when my kid isn't feeling well.

So I had him home with me. And took him to my chiropractor appointment. And to my other errands. I am enjoying being a mom. Don't get me wrong. We got a lot done. More than I thought we would. He was more helpful than I could have imagined. He was a big help and cheerleader. He didn't complain (much).

Why am I so pissed right now? Well several reasons. 

1) I am hungry

2) I am angry

3) I am lonely 

4) I am tired

I don't think I ate enough these last few days. I was so focused on cooking for my family that I forgot to prepare food for myself. I didn't focus on my needs.

Looking back at my text thread it was a series of texts that went from me to him with no reply. Like asking for information but then didn't get any response. Me remembering things, planning, coordinating, caregiving and not getting information or support back. Like having a conversation with a concrete wall. Just cinder blocks. An echo chamber.

Should we go to the pot luck? Did you remember his birthday? Did you hide the Christmas gift? Is there anything else we need from the store? We got gas. We got cash. We got groceries. We cooked the food. We moved the furniture. We did the laundry. We talked to your mom. We need help organizing the snacks (but you have a phone call so you can't help). We need help cleaning the bathrooms (but you're too tired so you can't help). We cooked more food. We did more dishes. We took out the trash and recycling. We cleaned the walls and windows. We need help cleaning the table, countertops, and floors (but you're not feeling like you want to do that so you can't help). We asked you to help set the table and you flat out said no. Then you had the AUDACITY to ask when we are meeting with your mother tomorrow. Like hello from planet Earth where we live together. Where have you been, outer space? I am not a slave.

Then to add insult to injury... my son asks to breastfeed and I told him no because I was seething mad. I was laying quietly in bed because I had teeth whitening strips on. The kid decided to willingly sleep with his dad because mom's milk factory was offline for one night. 

Now, granted, I am in perimenopause. Nobody wants to hear about this. It's like even less relatable than extended breastfeeding. My husband can't even give a crumb of interest in this topic. Yet it is the reason, or at least one reason, why I am fuming right now. But it's much easier to write me off as being an unreasonable bitch.

All because I said my needs and boundaries outloud. I said I was upset because he never asked what I needed help with. I said I needed 90 minutes alone tomorrow to (1) run for 1 hour and (2) shower and shave my legs. Then I stated that I WOULD NOT be picking up anything else off the floor. Not one more thing. If he leaves his dirty socks or shorts or underwear or shoes there, they will stay there for the rest of the day, whether guests are over or not. I won't be washing any more dishes, countertops, sinks, toilets or anything else. I will be responsible for my OWN BODY. And that is all. I will be showered and dressed and fed and ready to go by 8am. I don't want to be responsible for anything else. 

I had to beg for help from my husband with placing and organizing the snack station. He helped me for 10 minutes. I was already at the point where I felt that making another decision would make me cry. The mental load of deciding what this family needs in terms of seating, nutrition, clothing, convenience, entertainment, creative supplies, etc. It really wore me out. Watching my son play with Play-Doh and kinetic sand while I was trying to clean the house took a special kind of tolerance for chaos. Cleaning and cooking with help from a little one is a special kind of stress. I want to encourage kiddo to participate but also there are some things that are counterproductive. And it's hard to be a perfect parent all the time. I got tired and cranky from time to time.

I feel that I have born an unfair share of the mental load leading up to this Thanksgiving and maybe that's why we don't host often. I am having anxiety knowing my father in law will definitely be coming into my en suite bathroom that has not been cleaned. But I delegated that task and I can't do it. I am literally at the end of my energy and time.

Then to top it off, dear husband goes to bed saying, "is there anything else you want to say." Which is neither an acknowledgement nor a gratitude. I told him I wanted accolades. I wanted to be celebrated for making the house look great. In the process, I torpedoed our relationship. I am just so beside myself. Maybe I should go rollerskating.

P.S. I can still hear my heartbeat inside my ears. It sounds like someone is bouncing a basketball in the alley outside my window. But it's just me, existing.

10 things I have learned from being a Disney mom

It is rare for me to have an original thought these days. Even less likely is that I actually write it down. And further, following up on that thought is the rarest event—like seeing a unicorn. Speaking of magical, I wanted to formalize some things Disney has taught me. These lessons translate into other areas of my mom life, so I wanted to share them in a list format.

1. On time is late. Early is on time. Way early is best. 

For Disneyland, I love doing rope drop. The first hour of the day is the most efficient. You want to be there as early as possible. If there's a virtual queue, join it. This extends to registering for after school programs, summer camps, marathons, whatever. Find out when the registration opens and know exactly what you want to purchase beforehand. Have your credit card ready and check out quick!

2. Having a magical day is your responsibility. Make a plan. Do your research.

Coming to the park with your top three already decided is really helpful, like what attractions and experiences are on your bucket list. This applies generally to prioritizing your life. You can be happier if you know what your goals are and celebrate when you achieve them. I'm not saying obsess over every single thing, but you don't want to be feeling FOMO when that holiday parade you saw last year just happened yesterday because you forgot to plan this year.

3. Bundle and save, but don't sweat the spending. If you are on a budget, use gift cards to limit your spending.

Buying in bulk at Disney isn't a thing, but you can save money with an annual pass (magic key). You can also save by purchasing a promotional 3-day ticket with flexible dates. Waiting until promotions are available will save you money in the long run. I'm not into unlimited spending, but I'm more of a 50-50 strategy. Bring 50% of the calories you plan to consume and plan to buy the other 50% while in the park. Same with toys. We try to stick to a $100 budget for each park day. We've used gift cards to restrict kiddo's spending too. I'm doing reverse budgets for our runcations to see how much we spend; that way, we can make a plan for 2025.

4. Bring enough hats and sunglasses for everyone. Make a packing list and stick to it.

Prepared is armed. If you forget a hat, you'll be paying extra $$ for a hat in the park that is more expensive than it has any business being. Likewise, with sunglasses, even if the day starts out grey, it will probably get sunny by the afternoon. Being outside all day leads to eye strain and fatigue. The best idea is a one-to-one ratio of sun hats and sunglasses to people in your party. This goes for any function like a beach day or a hike.

 
5. Stay ready so you don't have to stress while getting ready.

We have a corner where we keep our suitcases, park bags, toiletry bags, and diaper bags all packed. We copy and paste from previous packing lists and check off items as they are loaded into bags, which are loaded into the car. We keep track of when we leave the house, get to the parking structure, and get to the park. That way, we will know next time if it's worth leaving sooner or if we can try leaving later, and we don't stress about it. We even load up the car the night before so that in the morning we can just make coffee, get dressed, and walk out the door.

6. Comfortable over cute every time.

If you have two pairs of shoes, choose the more comfortable one. Don't even think of wearing something new that you haven't worn before for an extended period of time. Consider bringing a poncho if it's raining. It's not cute, but you'll enjoy the day more if you're not stuck in wet clothes. Make sure you have a pocket for your phone that is easily accessible because you'll need it often and quickly to capture those magical moments.

7. Cast members will move your stroller. It will not remain in the exact location where you parked it. Do not panic. Personalize it.

One of the best things we did was to get a stroller sign with our name on it. When you get enough different strollers in one place, the odds of someone else having the exact same model as you are finite. You need to be able to find your stroller when it's not where you left it, and you don't want anyone walking off with yours accidentally. This could be extended to any piece of luggage for travel. Also this can be extended to life in general, it won't always go to plan. Remain calm. 

8. Any moment is perfect for a sing-along, parade or dance party.

Leave your inhibitions at home. This is the time to make memories with your kiddo. Sing out loud if you know the words. March along with Mickey and friends. Dance in the street. Seize the day. Nobody cares if you look ridiculous. Just have fun and be in the moment. The biggest thing kiddo says is Mommy stop looking at your phone. So if you can, just be immersed in what's happening right now.

9. Calories don't count when you're walking all day.

We typically walk 7 miles or so in the parks. That's about 400 extra calories. Yes, I know Disney treats can be very caloric but as long as you stick to your budget, there shouldn't be too many extra calories involved. Enjoy what you do eat. Don't worry about it. Choose something fun and memorable that you can't get elsewhere.

10. A kiss goodnight is sweet.

I don't know how people stay all day until the nighttime events. I think I've only seen one night parade. But I think this is one of the nicest things about the parks, in concept. To say goodnight with music and fireworks. Or a dancing fountain. Or projections set to music that tells a story. I think this can be generally extended to parenting. Kind of like the saying, "don't go to bed angry." Kiss and make up. Go ahead and apologize for losing your temper at 2pm when you were dehydrated, sunburned, and exhausted. Tell a bedtime story. 

Everything we program into our little ones is stored in their amazing brains. I find it fascinating to see what pours out of my kiddo. I can see that those long days and nights of investment are already starting to pay dividends. Albert is an impressive storyteller. He remembers Disneyland and wants to go back.

lost my hearing

In a strange turn of events, I have a double ear infection and I can't hear. It started off pretty innocently, just a little runny nose. I kept up with my training. I remember doing my 10-mile training run and wondering if it was the right thing to do or not. That was Sunday, November 10th (10 days ago). I did do two 2-mile runs the following week, but it was a taper week and it got pretty cold. Later on Thursday, November 14th, I started to lose hearing in my left ear. By Friday, November 15th, I couldn't hear in the right ear either. I tried to rest all day Saturday, thinking it would clear up. But after sleeping most of the day, both ears were still plugged up late Saturday afternoon. We went to urgent care around 4:30pm and returned home at 8:30pm with antibiotics. People have been telling me that it should resolve after a couple of days. So now we're on day 4 of taking amoxicillin, and I still can't hear. 

This semester came in so challenging. I got a change to my teaching schedule on August 9th. That was the Friday before my kiddo's first day of TK. Within a few days, he came down with COVID. Then my husband and I got it too. I was behind from the first week of classes all the way until about week 4 or 5 (end of September). After things settled down, I got a bit sad because we had low participation for RunClub. Just when I thought that was canceled, it was back on!

Being without hearing for a week has been odd. I feel like I'm forced into a meditative state. I can't be entertained by podcasts or music right now. It's a lot of work to have a conversation or watch TV because I have to read the subtitles or people's lips and really strain to pick up what they're saying. So I'm really in my head. What's nice is I've found a bit of gratitude there. It's the lead-up to Thanksgiving now. I'm in the home stretch of the semester. I don't have to hear the students ask me what each piece of glassware is. I don't have to listen to my kid whining. I can't hear the brakes on our minivan squeaking. It's all diminished. And what remains is an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the people in my life.

It's that time of year where we trim the tree and send out holiday greetings. I did get to send a few care packages to loved ones in advance of the holiday break. I bought holiday stamps at the post office. I cut up photos of kiddo to include in the cards. There are just so many steps to sending these out, but I'm ready this year. I'm ready for the end of this year. I'm looking forward to the Holiday Half Marathon. I'm looking forward to the Rose Bowl Half Marathon. I'm taking these setbacks (like this double ear infection) in stride because my training has been strong up until this point. I'm on track to submit grades early. Amazingly enough!

I've been working on my holiday bucket list. Or should I say, a list of holiday traditions that are meaningful to me. Given that we only have a few weekends to plan stuff, I want to make sure we're prioritizing things that are meaningful and not just "staying busy."

Nov 23 - Birthday Party 10am - noon
Nov 24 - Grand opening of Boeckmann park 11930 Mason Ave Porter Ranch 2-6pm (11 miles)

Nov 28 - Thanksgiving
Nov 30 - Holiday Train / Downtown Disney
Dec 1 - Pick up Fitlicious / Hot Chocolate Run (13 miles)

Dec 7 - Discovery Cube?
Dec 8 - CicLAvia + GH Holiday Parade 1:30pm - 4pm (14 miles)

Dec 14 - kids race
Dec 15 - Half Marathon + Chatsworth Holiday Parade noon-5pm

Dec 22 - Discovery Cube?
Dec 23 - 15 miles

Iceoplex Winter Wonderland 
Dec 23-Jan 5 
three sessions (9am-noon, 1pm-5pm, 6pm-10pm)

ALL ABOARD! We got our tickets for
Saturday, November 30 - Anaheim (A.M.)

Welcome Event: 8:30 a.m. at Anaheim Station. Train Departs: 10:00 a.m.

Discovery Cube

🍪Cookie Decorating – Guests will learn about primary and secondary colors and decorate a cookie to take home

🎅Visit Santa Claus: November 23-24, 29-30, December 1, 7-8, 14-24. Appearances from 11:00 am – 2:00 pm.

👨‍🍳Meet a Pastry Chef! Gingerbread demonstrations on November 23-24, 40, December 1, 7-8, 14-15, 21-22, 28-29, January 4-5. Demo times: 11:00 am and 1:00 pm.

Westfield Topanga Village Snow falls Friday-Sunday evening Dec 3-23. 6, 7, 8pm.

Other ideas for the holiday list:

Yolanda Lights FREE

Baking gingerbread house

Sending holiday cards

White elephant @ CSUN

Holiday lights bike ride

Boat Parade Newport Beach

Rose Parade Bike Ride

Moving On

It's hard to move on from such a disappointing election outcome, but c'est la vie. It didn't come as a surprise. I took a mental health day on Wednesday and then cried my way through the day on Thursday at work. I wrote up a special rant during kiddo's nap that I don't mind sharing here. If I had a daughter, this is what I would let her know.

Oh, how I wanted to be a man. If you can't beat them, join them. But they don't want to let you in the club. You're not welcome. You're not one of them, the good guys, the old boys club.

Being born a woman was a series of disappointments. You'll never be as tall, fast, strong, smart, capable, free as a man. And by the way, you'll get hips and breasts in a very painful adolescent transformation. And you'll be bleeding one-quarter of each month. And you'll have to pay for those tampons. No, men don't have to go through this. And you'll be responsible if you get pregnant, so you'll have to pay for birth control, which may ruin your chances of conceiving later on in life when you're ready to get pregnant. Without information on these long-term side effects, you'll have to make these choices alone at age 15. After taking this form of injectable birth control so you wouldn't forget to take it and accidentally get pregnant for 11 years, you'll be told that no person is meant to be on it for that long and certainly not for 10 years.

Then, when you are married, and you can't wait a moment longer to get pregnant because your eggs are nearly all rotten, you'll bear the guilt of infertility. You'll AGAIN take all the hormones to produce a final clutch of eggs. You'll take methylprednisolone, which will make you feel crazy. You will relate to American Horror Story - Delicate, except without the power of witchcraft. You'll be a pincushion for months. You'll put in messy suppositories. You'll take pills, too. Your child's father will have to make absolutely no lifestyle changes. You'll look back on the last decade of trying to conceive as a failure on your part, God's way of punishing you for being a bad person and undeserving of motherhood.

Then pregnancy! Your partner will never understand what it feels like to be literally connected to the fetus. Your breasts will undergo another painful transformation. While puberty makes you a target of the male gaze, pregnancy is a leveling up from maidenhood to matron. You are no longer of aesthetic value to society. Your girlhood is spent, and you no longer have the power of allure.

You will turn inward. You will be responsible for paying for the prenatal vitamins. You may have to manage extreme hyperemesis gravidarum during pregnancy. You may get gestational diabetes. You may have to work right up until your due date. You might have to go back to work right after delivering the baby. There are so many shitty parts of pregnancy, it's all your burden to bear. Men will never understand.

Then you'll deliver. You'll have to learn how to breastfeed. You'll fall off of a hormone cliff that nobody warns you about. You'll be in more pain than ever in your life. Nobody will explain anything to you. You'll be alone with your pain and confusion, postpartum anxiety, and intrusive thoughts. Nobody will follow up with you. There will be no assistance in healing your body despite being cut 7 ways to Sunday, from hip to hip.

You'll learn too late that there were things you should have been doing in the two months after your C-section that would have prevented scar tissue. But nobody told you about that, and anyway, you will be too afraid to touch or look at your scar because it reminds you that you weren't able to give birth vaginally because male surgeons are in a hurry to cut. Hospitals only let you labor for 24 hours, even though birth can take much longer. You'll work on strengthing your pelvic floor with so many Kegels before delivery and then learn after the fact that you should have been thinking instead of being flexible instead of strong. You will have high levels of relaxin circulating for 1000 days, or however long you breastfeed or however long it takes for your period to return, but that's different for every woman, and you have no control over that. You may be encouraged by friends to see a pelvic floor PT, but you won't be encouraged to do so by your doctor, so you will be uncertain whether it's covered by your insurance.

Then, the pressure to be a good mom will descend on you and weigh you down for the foreseeable future. Everything wrong with your child will be blamed on you and not the child's father. Every time your child does not fit the norm, you'll be shamed if you don't immediately make it your foremost project to fix. Your colleagues will think you are unprepared while you exist in the fog of mombrain. You will search for the right words, which will elude you, while your newfound sense of superhearing and empathy will remain underrated. Your career will stall. Your male colleagues will think, she used to be so sharp; what a shame, she really let herself go. You'll hear phantom crying, even when your baby is only 2 feet away from you on the other side of the shower curtain. You'll have the strangest night sweats, engorgement, cravings for bacon and chocolate, and the worst body odor of your life. After 7 months, your hair will randomly start falling out.

Then, after adjusting to the demands of breastfeeding and nightmares and teething and toddler tantrums and potty training and picky eating and learning to read and self-feed and self-dress, finally, the little person doesn't need you as much anymore, which is kind of a heartbreak in itself, then you arrive at perimenopause. You'll take supplements you would have never considered before. It's not like you are trying to be eternally youthful. You're just trying to get through the day and night with less pain and suffering. You take pills to address clogged milk ducts, muscle repair, milk supply, mood, bone density, hair, teeth, nails, connective tissue, and cartilage. Should you be taking more? Less? Who knows? Because there are no studies on women. There are not enough women who engage in extended breastfeeding in their 40s. Your menstruation is not well understood, nor is the transition to that third life era -- crone. And the responsibility of knowing about it and doing the right thing, taking hormones or not, is All on you. Your husband will not know anything about it, nor will your doctor. 4 out of 5 professionals will tell you that you are just depressed. The one that takes you seriously will ask for an exorbitant fee to even begin to help you put the pieces back together again. Your insurance won't cover it. Again, the financial responsibilities will be all up to you.

And by the way, you'll be paid less than your male colleagues. And men will get jobs they're underqualified for. Their competence will be accepted with a handshake while you run uphill to prove yourself even though you'll never be considered good or worthy.

I feel so sad and powerless. I was so hoping that one woman could step into her power today. That I might be able to say, as a woman, is that I am equally likely to become president or CEO or tenured professor or marathon finisher. Thank God I still have my running to keep me sane. I can just keep my head down and keep falling forward. I can make my home a happy and safe one. Will there be a women's march again? Will there be a march for science? Will there be a resurgence of black lives matter? What good did those marches do last time? When will we ever have representation that understands what women go through? I don't care if you're a brother, husband or father. You will never know what it's like to walk a mile in our shoes. Sharing this for the daughter I'll never have. I don't know what it is about this election defeat that is causing me to live the entirety of my trauma again. Maybe it has something to do with being grabbed in the pussy -- AGAIN.

  

A few sentiments that I've heard:

(1) She wasn't qualified. As if she hadn't just served as vice president for four years. And (nearly) every man elected president was someone's VP first—just look at my previous post. What more did she need to do?

(2) Men and women are reacting to the MeToo movement. They're tired of women calling them out for their bad behavior. They're tired of being politically correct. They don't understand trans people and don't want to. Gender pronouns? We don't know them. This is the empire striking back. But it's important to remember that a woman's place is in the resistance. I may have to rewatch that franchise to see how it ends.

(3) But is your life better now than 4-years ago, as if the last Trump presidency was a walk in the park. Everyone I know refers to 2020 as a "dumpster fire." It wasn't Biden and Harris that mishandled the pandemic so poorly. The insurrection of January 6th happened in 2021. So you can't blame the dumpster fire on Biden and Harris. That rests squarely on the shoulders of #45.

Also, Today marks 1700 days of breastfeeding. Nobody tells you it might go on this long, and there's no tutorial guide for stopping without causing more problems. And it's not all bad being a woman. There are some good parts. Fit4mom has been everything. My mom friends are a bright spot in the darkness right now. I'm going to attend Friendsgiving this weekend.

Election Day

It's the 2024 presidential election day. There were many other things on the ballot, but the race for president looms large. This is a historic moment where America gets to decide between another white male or a highly qualified Southeast Asian black woman. It definitely feels like a referendum on our culture. Can we accept a woman in the highest office in our nation? Or do we want to re-elect someone who was already impeached twice? Incredibly, we have to put a woman against an epically lousy candidate. I keep trying to put the election out of my mind, and then when someone reminds me it's election day, it's like BAM, I snap back to the real possibility that America might choose a crime boss over a Barbie.

I remember the presidential elections that have happened in my lifetime:

• 1980 - Reagan v. Carter / Mondale
• 1984 - Reagan / H. W. Bush v. Mondale
• 1988 - H. W. Bush v. Dukakis
• 1992 - Clinton / Gore v. H. W. Bush
• 1996 - Clinton / Gore v. Dole
• 2000 - W. Bush v. Gore
• 2004 - W. Bush v. Kerry
• 2008 - Obama v. McCain
• 2012 - Obama v. Romney
• 2016 - Hillary Clinton
• 2020 - Biden / Harris
• 2024 - Kamala Harris

I wonder what my son, who is now 4.5 years old, will remember about this election. We did watch the live debates at home with him. And we voted around the kitchen table all together using our mail-in ballots. And we went as a group to drop off the ballots at an early voting center on campus a week early. Being Los Angeles, they had a photo-op set up for us and a volunteer took this picture. I feel like I remember President Reagan, so maybe my son will always remember President Harris. And he will have a different idea of what women can accomplish. 

I remember Bill Clinton and his sex scandal. And people say that's why they couldn't elect Hillary even though she was smart and qualified. They say his behavior was somehow her fault or had tarnished her reputation irreversibly. But what can they say about Kamala? She is very good at her job and has none of the tarnish that people claim poisoned Hillary Clinton's campaign. Don't even get me started on Lock Her Up and Those Emails.

"Leave the door open and the ladder down" ~Bernard Kinsey

I can say Biden did a very good thing by serving one term, which was fairly uneventful, and then holding the door open for Kamala. It's like he "teed up" and let her swing for the fences. I don't know if that's a golf analogy or T-ball, forgive me, I'm not a sports person. 

I just don't know if some people in our country can tolerate this challenge to their self-image. There is a real toxic masculinity in our culture; forget about microaggressions. There is straight-up racism, sexism, and violence against women. I wanted to write out my own personal thoughts for my future self, or for anyone who finds this after I am gone. On this day, before the results are announced. I feel very guarded. I don't know who to trust. I feel like there is a simmering violence that is hiding in the shadows and waiting to be invited out into the open. I feel unsafe when out running; I've already seen one pickup truck following me. I don't know what type of rage will be unleashed on ALL WOMEN if they don't get their way or if there is any challenge to the patriarchy.

I won't stay up all night to see what happens; I doubt we will have a clear answer today. But I know what I'm hoping America chooses. It will be amazing to make the Barbie movie a reality. But I'm also accepting alternate possibilities. America may decide that we're not ready for a Barbie president. America may decide that if Barbie is fairly elected, we cannot abide it. I am fearful of these possibilities. But I'm trying to live and record how I feel at this moment.