I remember that

Menopause is worse than puberty because adults have already formed a stronger sense of self. Menopause changes you in profound ways, in your body, skin, fat, and brain. Probably skeleton too, just like puberty. But as a 13 year old, I was still forming my personality and identity, I was more malleable. I feel my adult self is being destroyed and re-formed by menopause, perhaps more profoundly than matrescence. I guess it's scary because I don't know what the final state will feel like or look like and I'm afraid it will be worse than the state I have been in for more than 30 years, the childbearing years.

It is interesting having this realization in the house I grew up in, the house I went through puberty in. The most valuable part of spending time with family has been reinforcing my childhood memories. Hearing a sister say, "I remember that," is so validating. I have a big fear of losing my grip on reality and having no memories. Like is my body already primed for dementia? Is it tied to the brain fog of motherhood and menopause? I have enjoyed reminiscing with my sisters this trip, sharing memories from our childhood, reinforcing things that happened as facts and not made-up fantasy from my silly failing brain. I feel like I'm grasping at a mist that can't be held but my sisters help me retell the story and reinforce it with concrete cinder blocks with rebar. Love those gals.

Running through Elmwood Park, Memorial Park, near the Keystone trail, through UNO and along Happy Hallow Blvd made me think moving to Omaha was a good idea.