Christmas Eve

It's winter. I'm still overweight after getting back into running and training steadily for over a year. It's Christmas day tomorrow and I'm nervous. Did I do enough to make it magical for my son? Am I being a good wife? Have I been a good sister, daughter, and friend this year? 

Have I done enough to build muscle and bone, to slow the gradual progression into middle age? Is high cholesterol going to kill me? Is it related to perimopause? Should I be on a cycle synching diet? Am I doomed to gain and lose the same 70 pounds over and over each decade of my adult life? Was there ever any hormonal reason for my infertility?

Why are all the female characters in Taylor Sheridan's dramas totally psycho and sex-crazed? Is that really how men see us? Or is that how they want us to be? Are they powerful because of their sex-appeal or are the sex scenes just there to keep you engaged in a storyline that is littered with foul language?

At what point do you take away a child's access to the world wide web? How far can you go with gentle parenting until you don't punish your child at all? How can a child comprehend boundaries if they never have a consequence of crossing the boundaries? How many miles can a child walk before it damages their growth plates? How can I teach my child to make friends on the playground when I don't even want to?

How many more training runs can I do before my toenails fall off? No wonder I can't sleep. I am seriously worrying about a ton of crap. This is the stress of the default parent. I managed the holiday magic. I went to the things. I finished up my work. I made the lists and checked them twice. Are holiday cards obsolete? Are cards just clutter? Are our family photos someone else's junk mail? Are we trying too hard to shove our cute little ones in other people's faces? What's the point if you don't feel a sense of connection?

How many miles are on my last pair of shoes? If I just broke out a new pair, will they last me until the marathon? When will my chiropractor be healed from his hip surgery? Why didn't I ask for a referral to someone else in the meantime? When can I get a massage? How can we afford all the repairs from getting out car fixed? Should we just buy a new car now?

And let's not even go too far down the rabbit hole of the next 4 years. By the end of it, my son will be almost 9 years old. What do I remember about being 9? Not much. I guess I was a big sister. My siblings would have been 3 and 1 year old. Yep, definitely don't remember this time at all. My parents were probably just barely surviving themselves.

I remember wanting to be the good girl. Wanting to be helpful. Wanting to avoid drama. Wanting to fit in. Wanting to have less scarcity. Resenting my dog. Actually really hating the dog. Why? Why does my son take out his aggression on his stuffed animals? Why do parents take out their aggression on their children? Because it's easy, right? And there's a pecking order. That's nature.

I feel like I can't calm down sometimes. I feel like I'm doing some of this work alone. Parenting work. I feel like my husband is doing the minimum and feeling like he's doing so much. I feel like he chides me for spending money on stuff but then hides his spending on his stuff. Like yeah running is a fun hobby but also it's for my health. Do I need a sparkly outfit for race day? No. But do new running shoes protect me from injury? Yes. Some sports bras give chafe and I'm still trying to figure out how to avoid that. 

No I'm not a medical doctor. No I don't want a mammogram. There are tests that I would like to run on myself but they have to be ordered by a doctor and the last time I asked for this person's help with checking my hormone levels, they didn't help me with that. I wish there were a fairy godmother for health stuff. Someone who would walk you through the right steps to get the outcome you are hoping for. I guess for me that would be a peaceful home life with less mom rage and a healthy body that is not going to be ravaged by inflammation, cancer, or osteoporosis. I want to have peaceful, healthy relationships with my family members and work collegues. I want to be a part of my community and uplift others. I want to finish this marathon and see how I feel after that. I know reaching one's goal in life doesn't automatically make you happy. It is more important that you see yourself in a positive light every day, all through the journey, regardless of how you look or feel every day. I try to squeeze in my self-care in 5-min increments. Just a little here and there. Not too much late night doom scrolling. But some nights, like tonight, I wonder if I'm enough. When we pack up all the twinkle and sparkle of Christmas, what's left?? My son is planning the days around his desire to shop for mystery cars at Target. He wants to go there every day for the rest of his winter break and collect as many as he can find or carry. He also wants a Transformer Barbie House for Christmas and I have no idea what that is or if it even exists. I did not buy it buy it buy it.

Holiday Half Marathon Race Report

The event itself: Where? How long? When? Weather?

Pomona Dragstrip hosted the start/finish line, registration, bib pickup, and gear check. This year the weather was really good. It was kind of foggy in the morning and that was good because the humidity held onto some warmth. It wasn't as cold as it could have been. It was not super windy. There was no precipitation. After about an hour the sun came out. The 10k, 5k, and kids race were on Saturday, December 14th. The half marathon was on Sunday, December 15th. We stayed at the Sheraton Fairplex hotel from Dec 13-15. We splurged on early check-in and late check-out.

Course description and evaluation of event logistics

I peed in a corner right before the race because the line for the bathrooms was super long. But that was kind of my fault because I left the hotel at 7:00 a.m. and the race started at 7:30 and it was about a half an hour walk. The walk from the hotel to the starting line was really good to warm up. 

I wore a sweatshirt, fleece pants, scarf, hat, and gloves. But then I took those off at the gear check. It was super easy to check my backpack. They provided plastic grocery bags if you needed it.

They didn't really do waves at the start line. Pace leaders were in the corral. They counted us down 5-4-3-2-1-go and everyone just started running. I barely had time to start my Strava and music. It was the most stress-free start line of the whole year.

There was a good amount of shade on the course, especially going around the reservoir. It was a lot hillier than I remember, but that made it really pretty too. The segment along the airfield between mile marker 5 & 6 was the worst for me because the road wasn't completely closed so they had us on a narrow shoulder with lots of rubble. I almost tripped. No fun but it was only a mile and the rest of the course was great. Between mile markers 12 & 13 was probably my favorite. It was a closed street. Finishers were backtracking to cheer us in. I was singing and trying to soak up the fun of the last mile.

How did you train for the event

I did my best to follow the F4M half marathon training plan, the runDisney Galloway marathon training plan, and the Roadrunners plan for the LA Marathon. I missed a week of training due to the ear infection I got right before Thanksgiving break. I still don't feel 100% from that. Luckily I have an appointment with a specialist on Wednesday. As it turns out, the doctor said my left ear was still infected on December 18th (after the race) and didn't clear up until December 30th when I saw him again for a follow-up appointment. It looks like I skipped 11 training runs out of the 39 I had on my training spreadsheet (28%) so it's no wonder I wasn't at my strongest on race day.

Your gear and nutrition

I brought a hat to wear, like a running hat with a visor. But my head got too hot. I ended up wearing my junk headband and gooder sunglasses.

My hair was up in two French braids and that really helped me stay cool. I'm glad I decided to wear shorts and a tank top with removable sleeves. I kept the sleeves on the whole race because it was chilly in the shade. I saw my "sparkle twin," who was also wearing the sparkle snowflake skirt. I ended up finishing the race with a bunch of really strong moms, strong teachers, and strong students and it was really beautiful. 

@hamerk02 Miles of Smiles #holidayhalfmarathon ♬ original sound - Kayla A. Kaiser

The SRLA kids were cheering for Elsa or asking me if I were dressed up as Elsa, which I was. So fun that people recognized it.

My Muzen speaker died around 3 hours. My sister recommended I get a second vest and second speaker for the marathon. Then have Mike meet me somewhere mid-race and swap out. That made sense.

My fueling strategy was pretty simple. They had water stations mile 3, 6, and 9. So I took a Gu at every water stop. I did ate two electrolyte chews pretty much every 30 minutes. I've never done that before but I do think it helped. Like every time it felt like my body was starting to get crampy, I would chomp two of those. They're pretty easy to take without water because they're not sweet. And it seems like they work right away. I also ate two fruit strips around mile 6. And one stroopwaffle around mile 10. There was a water stop at mile 12 but by then I was out of fuel. Actually I had a Clif bar and an Rx bar but they were in the back of my running vest. I also put my dead speaker back there at mile 10. Since I had no water bladder back there, I needed some weight to balance the vest. If all the weight is in the front pockets it digs into the back of my neck.

The only mishap I would say is that I normally run with a hydration bladder. The one that I've been using has like a slider to close it, that is a separate piece not attached to the rest of it. And I forgot that slider at home. But it ended up being okay. I just grabbed one or two cups of water at every water stop. And it seemed like they had plenty of water stops. I didn't see a ton of mile markers in the first 5 miles. Maybe I just missed them. I kind of enjoyed knowing when we were at 3, 6, 9, and 12 miles. It made the time pass faster.

Specific experiences

It was really fun that the course for the half marathon went right by the hotel. So I got to wave to my son and my husband who came down to the gate and my son was screaming Mommy I love you. The 3-hour pace leader was really cool. He had on a Santa hat and a Santa beard.

Finish and associated emotions

I wanted to cry a little at the finish because I feel like I have been training for a long time to get to this point. Maybe I am already looking forward to having an off season. I know I still have a long ways to go to be ready for the full marathon. But it was rewarding to hear that my husband is proud of my training. He said some people only train up to an 18 mile long run prior to the actual marathon. Since I did 15 miles today, that impressed him.

Overall evaluation of the event 

I would definitely do this event again. If I feel up to it, it would be fun to do either the Golden Snowflake Challenge (5k on Saturday, Half Marathon on Sunday) or the Triple Snowflake Challenge (Half, 10K, & 5K for $140).

Race Spending

$80.50 for registration for the half marathon on June 5th

$16.90 for the kid's race (day of event)

$486.33 for the hotel (Sheraton Fairplex Suites & Conference Center by Marriott)

$20 for parking at the hotel

$688 for registration and lodging

We spent about $608 on food and entertainment. Dining at the Fairplex is really expensive and we bought hot cocoa, hot coffee, ice cream, churros, burritos, french fries. Imagine what you would buy at any fair and that's the type of food we bought. We also treated our friends to a nice dinner in the hotel (room service). There were many times we got food from the in-hotel restaurant. The good thing was that we didn't leave the hotel once we arrived. We had only a tiny fridge and a microwave in the room, we brought about 3x as much food as the size of the fridge. So we did keep the food we brought in a cooler and replaced the ice about every 8 hours, but it would have been better to stay at a hotel with a full-sized fridge. Although it was VERY nice to be able to walk to the race from the hotel. We also walked to the Imaginarium, which was a holiday light display and carnival. It costs about $20 per person to get in. It was definitely festive and Albert had a great time with all the photo ops. I would highly recommend that experience for people of all ages and abilities.

Finally, I spent about $200 on race costumes and gear for training. I got a Tinkerbell sparkle skirt and a matching visor. I got the snowflakes sparkle skirt you can see in the photo above. I found the "Let It Go" tank top on Poshmark. And I got a couple of shrugs, legwarmers, and knit shorts from a company called Move Dance. They've been super helpful in getting out in the cold for the morning training runs.

So altogether that means we spent about $1500 on the entire race weekend. How does that compare to other race weekends we did in 2024?

$1466 Disneyland 5k (with two park days)
$284 LA Big 5k (no hotel)
$522 OC Marathon (without running the race)
$640 CdM Scenic 5k
$1063 SMC Classic 10k/5k (with no hotel)
$1075 Mission Inn Run 

$1499 Holiday Half Marathon

So it looks like the Holiday Half was our most expensive race weekend of the year. I think that's partly because it was also my husband's birthday weekend and we splurged more than we would have otherwise. Also, we didn't entertain friends at other race weekends besides the Mission Inn Run so that was an added cost, but also a totally fun way to spend the evening. And we went to the Fairplex for the Imaginarium, which was a pretty epic addition to the weekend. Even without those extra fun things, the hotel itself was I guess pretty pricy. And I forgot my husband's swimsuit so we never went to the pool.

I would say this race was a great way to end the 2024 race season. Because this was my build-back year, it felt major to have reached a half-marathon distance. Maybe I did it too quickly, maybe I could have waited longer to make my way back to running. But one thing I will say is that I'm grateful that I registered for TWO 10ks and TWO half marathons. Because the excessive heat interfered with the Santa Monica Classic and now the wildfires have postponed the Rose Bowl Half. It was a big boost to my confidence to have two chances to succeed at each race distance as I build up to a full marathon. I had considered registering for the Citrus Heritage Run and the Palm Desert Half, but I let them pass by. I decided that there would be other years for those events. A new date hasn't been set for the Rose Bowl Half, but I'll write more about that in another post.

my secret project

Walking my son to school on Monday, Dec 9th, I saw this furniture and thought it would be perfect. But my day was already spoken for. We were having a carpet cleaning crew come to our house and I had to be home all day. I told my husband I really wanted these for a secret project but he refused to leave work and help me grab them that day.

I tried to convince my husband to help me pick up the items on Tuesday, December 10th, but he said he had walked by this collection at the curb on his way to work and it was already gone. I didn't walk to school that day because we were having dangerously high winds. I had the car, but I was already committed to attend my son's winter program at his school and I didn't know how long it would take.

Walking my son to school on Wednesday, December 11th, I saw that it was all still there! You can't believe my joy. It was "Winter Gear" spirit day at school and my son was wearing his hat, scarf, gloves, and fleece PJs. He could feel my excitement and posed for a photo on the pink couch.

I was committed to help build gingerbread houses at my son's school, but I said to myself, "if I finish all 600 gingerbread houses, get home, and drive over there, and all of it is still there, I'll grab it." Well, blessed be, the furniture was still there!

Can you believe I got this couch into the van by myself? Well, I did! I called my husband to ask if he would assist me when I got to the loading dock at CSUN. He said he would meet me there.

We amazingly got the couch to fit in the elevator. We even squeezed it through the bathroom doors. I just had a feeling that this furniture was built to a woman's scale, it was lightweight (as I had suspected) and sized appropriately to fit through a regular door, in a minivan, and in a normal (not freight) elevator. One kindly student offered to help us carry it. I hushed them and told them to tell nobody what they had seen.

Well, that just got me even more excited. We ran back to the house to get the chairs and pillows. As I suspected, it all fit in the van in one load. We drove back to school and put all those things in the elevator in one load.

Getting the chairs through the door was no problem. I'm not wild about the arrangement, but, hopefully, someone else will step up and improve it. I love the transformation!

Before

After

I mean it's not a perfect boudoir but it's a heck of a lot more feminine than it was before. The students asked, "Is this a prank?" No, it's not a prank. It didn't help that I was dressed like some secret Santa's elf with a shirt that said "oh snap" on it. The students asked, "Can we sit on it?" Yes, you can sit on it! Then two former students recognized me and asked why I had to wait until they were graduating to make it cute. That made me so happy because I agree, it should have always been cute.

I posted on Instagram about 1 month ago:

My version of the 4B movement. Where I retreat into the Women's lounge at Nordstrom's and take up residence for the next 4-years. #radicalfeminism #womenonlyspaces #mycryingplace #psychologicalsafety

I was so devastated about the re-election of 45/47 that I needed a place to cry at work. I started looking for furniture with French Rococo eleganza vibes. I wanted gold, I wanted glamour. I wanted something that looked distinctly feminine. I spent an afternoon screenshotting furniture sets that had the look I was going for. I searched Buy Nothing. I shopped at IKEA. I was considering donating my own money to furnish this safe space that I needed in my life. 

I was trying to explain to my husband how architecture and furnishings can either make women feel a sense of belonging or exclusion, based solely on scale and placement. I have come into this restroom several times where there is a line of women waiting to use the toilet and one or both stalls are full of girls who are crying. They want privacy to feel their feelings. But this restroom felt cold and ugly, which could make one feel even worse. I wanted to make it feel cozy and warm, welcoming, and dare I say it, pretty. I'd love to add a mirror with some fancy trim, or some other touches to give it sophistication. What would you add?

Women are not small men

The general guideline is 150 minutes of activity per week. This advice is about 20 years old.

What's important are the ratios of estrogen and progesterone, ratios change as you enter menopause.

Menopause causes a demise in sensitivity of receptors, change in gut microbiome, bone and muscle loss.

How can we do super high intensity work to cause epigenetic changes in the muscles as we become more insulin resistant?

Lifting heavy has a CNS effect. It stimulates muscle protein synthesis. Strength and power. Faster nerve signaling, stronger muscle contraction, in the absence of estrogen.

Raising cortisol is a danger zone. We already have elevated baseline cortisol. Resistance training with 10-12 exercises can just raise cortisol. 

Muscle fatigue is caused by the load? or the volume? Women tend to under-load. If you want to gain lean mass, you can just do a volume to fatigue. But if you want to prevent falls, you need the heavier load to engage proprioception. Do 5-7 reps of heavier load rather than 10-12 reps of lighter load. You can do 5 sets of 5 with good mechanics. 

Periodization is important for the rest of your life. It doesn't stop at one competitive event. You want cycles of building up and off-season. First 3 months is base building. Then add load.

Sprint-interval training. Not HIIT. Working at 95-110% of VO2max. You can only hold it for <30 seconds. Not more than 1 minute. HIIT is 1-2 minute intervals. In sprint-interval training, you're having longer 2-3 minute recovery periods. It yields more metabolic and CNS adaptations, which are more beneficial to perimenopausal women. More impactful than hormone therapy.

Metabolism, cardiovascular risks, bone density. Improves muscle uptake of glucose. Controls blood pressure. 

Protein is super-important! For even sedentary, obese or normal-weight women. 1 gram per pound which is compared to 0.6 grams per pound. Higher protein intake allows reorganization of body composition. If you add strength training, you can do it even faster. Recomposition.

Anabolic resistance happens in perimenopause. Taking in protein every 3-4 hours is important for recomp and protein synthesis. Without taking in protein, you can't recomp your body.

Men age linearly while women have a big change point in the mid-forties. We have some anovulatory cycles. We have estrogen without progesterone. We see significant changes including loss of lean mass, increase in adiposity. We don't have signals to keep lean mass. We are confused and therefore pack on body fat to prepare for hibernation. We lose strength and power.

We have to look at gut diversity. Because our hormones are digested in the gut. 

The tendency is that when women start storing fat, they just eat less. Downregulating thyroid, increasing bone catabolism, increasing muscle catabolism. You should not do fasted exercise. You should not be skipping recovery meals. Manipulating body comp is done by fueling training and eating less at night when you're not training.

If you fuel properly, you will have more energy, which will feed forward more quickly, and you will see results. Fasted training can work for men but not women, especially when we're going through menopause. Even for women who are in their reproductive years, fasted training is not good for us. We have a system for using free fatty acids in our mitochondria. We already have estrogen shuttling carbohydrates away from muscles, just by being born female. 

The recommendations are 100-150 calories, 15-20g protein preworkout before strength training drops cortisol and allows the body to have access to blood glucose. Pre-workout 15-20g protein with 30g of carbs before cardio training. Which allows us to train harder and recover.

Fasted women end up with more hormone dysfunction. Kisspeptin neurons. Men have more fatty acids available if they train fasted, but this does not work for women. Kisspeptin neurons regulate metabolism (fasting leads to low energy availability). The other Kisspeptin neurons regulate appetite and nutrient density. Keto and/or fasting can be counterproductive.

ROAR was first published in 2016 and updated in 2023. Oral contraceptives and hormone replacement. Different times in the cycle have either great or poor resilience to infection. Track your cycle and heart rate variability. Biohacking can lead to better understanding. Natural vs. synthetic hormones and how they are digested in the gut.

Bleed patterns will change when you approach menopause. If there's ovarian failure, you will have an extended follicular phase. You may get heavier or shorter periods, which is indicative of approaching menopause. When you have perimenopause symptoms, you need to get into sprint-intervals. If you're training 3x per week, do 2x per week sprint-intervals. Even if you're endurance training, do some sprint-intervals for metabolic control.

Even doing a sprint-interval once every 10 days, it's better than not doing any at all. You can go to the gym and do it in a group situation. You might find it hard to get the motivation to sprint. Doing two in one session is better than not doing it at all. Within reality, go for the 80/20 rule. Try to do it all the time and then it's okay to give yourself permission to skip 20% of the workouts.

Two weeks of focused training, then one week of recovery. Do what you love. Undulating periodization. "Focusing" could be heavier load on squats. Focus could be something else in the next 3-week block. As we get into perimenopause, we need more recovery. 

Estrogen without progesterone is responsible for how strong myocin bonds to actin. So we don't have as strong of a muscle contraction when progesterone is present. Acetylcholine (muscle depolarizing) is also effected by estrogen. No estrogen, less acetylcholine, less strong muscle contraction. Estrogen helps with strength and power. But progesterone limits strength and power. Progesterone is catabolic. It uses the resources to build endometrial lining. Estrogen is anabolic.

In the women's health initiative study, late post-menopausal, 8 or 10 years beyond menopause, women were studied that were manifesting major symptoms like bone loss, cardiovascular issues, and muscle loss. Adding synthetic hormones at that point had more risks than benefits. But there are lots of other things that can be done that can mitigate these things, other than taking exogenous hormones, for example in early perimenopause.

What supplements would you suggest? Adaptogens like maca, ashwagandha, reishi. SSRIs even can bring back a woman's sex drive, which is opposite of during the reproductive years if women are taking SSRIs for anxiety. Because menopause effects dopamine and serotonin signaling. 

Diindolylmethane (DIM) is a natural compound found in cruciferous vegetable family, which includes broccoli, Brussels sprouts, cauliflower, and cabbage. DIM can reduce the severity of hormone swings through the menstrual cycle making it more even throughout the month. Magnesium, zinc and omega-3 fatty acids to counter prostaglandins. Shisandra can address high stress and lack of focus. Holy basil and Rhodiola can specifically be helpful for perimenopause.

Insulin resistance makes us need to be more aware of when we take in carbohydrates. They help with gut microbiome and energy. As long as you are using a wide variety of colorful fruits and veg, you're getting quality carbs. Think more about when you take in carbs. 1g/kg per hour for refueling. 3-5g/kg per hour for moderately heavy training loads. 5-8g/kg per hour for the heaviest training loads.

Creatine 1/2 tsp (3-5 grams per day) women have 70-80% as many creatine stores than men. You will have fatigue if you don't get good sleep. Creatine can address low sleep or depression symptoms. Women tend to eat less of foods that contain creatine. Men tend to go through more creatine because they have more fast twitch muscles. Women tend to eat more endurance-related foods. Get more in and have it available. Creatine helps maintain gut integrity also, by maintaining the mucosal lining of the gut. 

Have a 12-h fasted window. Stop eating after dinner. Let your body focus on repair.

"Hit play not pause" group. Have conversations about normal aging. Vocalize to your doctor that you might be going through perimenopause. 

The Dr. Gabrielle Lyon show (podcast)

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/can-womens-health-get-better-with-age-stacy-sims-phd/id1622316426?i=1000597402794

Dr. Sims' TED talk

Graphic from

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/350098554_Sprint_interval_training_SIT_reduces_serum_epidermal_growth_factor_EGF_but_not_other_inflammatory_cytokines_in_trained_older_men

mental load of motherhood

Sometimes I feel like my husband is living on a different planet. Like he's not even trying to see what life is like on planet motherhood. Let me back up.

I get disgruntled when I promise myself time and then it gets taken away. So I guess I would be happier if I just resigned to the fact that I do not own my time, nor will I ever.

I thought it would be fine hosting Thanksgiving because I would have 3 days to get ready and to do my chiropractor appointment and to do some self care. Well as the universe tends to do, a fever came over my child. Now mind you it was only 1 degree, but I know when my kid isn't feeling well.

So I had him home with me. And took him to my chiropractor appointment. And to my other errands. I am enjoying being a mom. Don't get me wrong. We got a lot done. More than I thought we would. He was more helpful than I could have imagined. He was a big help and cheerleader. He didn't complain (much).

Why am I so pissed right now? Well several reasons. 

1) I am hungry

2) I am angry

3) I am lonely 

4) I am tired

I don't think I ate enough these last few days. I was so focused on cooking for my family that I forgot to prepare food for myself. I didn't focus on my needs.

Looking back at my text thread it was a series of texts that went from me to him with no reply. Like asking for information but then didn't get any response. Me remembering things, planning, coordinating, caregiving and not getting information or support back. Like having a conversation with a concrete wall. Just cinder blocks. An echo chamber.

Should we go to the pot luck? Did you remember his birthday? Did you hide the Christmas gift? Is there anything else we need from the store? We got gas. We got cash. We got groceries. We cooked the food. We moved the furniture. We did the laundry. We talked to your mom. We need help organizing the snacks (but you have a phone call so you can't help). We need help cleaning the bathrooms (but you're too tired so you can't help). We cooked more food. We did more dishes. We took out the trash and recycling. We cleaned the walls and windows. We need help cleaning the table, countertops, and floors (but you're not feeling like you want to do that so you can't help). We asked you to help set the table and you flat out said no. Then you had the AUDACITY to ask when we are meeting with your mother tomorrow. Like hello from planet Earth where we live together. Where have you been, outer space? I am not a slave.

Then to add insult to injury... my son asks to breastfeed and I told him no because I was seething mad. I was laying quietly in bed because I had teeth whitening strips on. The kid decided to willingly sleep with his dad because mom's milk factory was offline for one night. 

Now, granted, I am in perimenopause. Nobody wants to hear about this. It's like even less relatable than extended breastfeeding. My husband can't even give a crumb of interest in this topic. Yet it is the reason, or at least one reason, why I am fuming right now. But it's much easier to write me off as being an unreasonable bitch.

All because I said my needs and boundaries outloud. I said I was upset because he never asked what I needed help with. I said I needed 90 minutes alone tomorrow to (1) run for 1 hour and (2) shower and shave my legs. Then I stated that I WOULD NOT be picking up anything else off the floor. Not one more thing. If he leaves his dirty socks or shorts or underwear or shoes there, they will stay there for the rest of the day, whether guests are over or not. I won't be washing any more dishes, countertops, sinks, toilets or anything else. I will be responsible for my OWN BODY. And that is all. I will be showered and dressed and fed and ready to go by 8am. I don't want to be responsible for anything else. 

I had to beg for help from my husband with placing and organizing the snack station. He helped me for 10 minutes. I was already at the point where I felt that making another decision would make me cry. The mental load of deciding what this family needs in terms of seating, nutrition, clothing, convenience, entertainment, creative supplies, etc. It really wore me out. Watching my son play with Play-Doh and kinetic sand while I was trying to clean the house took a special kind of tolerance for chaos. Cleaning and cooking with help from a little one is a special kind of stress. I want to encourage kiddo to participate but also there are some things that are counterproductive. And it's hard to be a perfect parent all the time. I got tired and cranky from time to time.

I feel that I have born an unfair share of the mental load leading up to this Thanksgiving and maybe that's why we don't host often. I am having anxiety knowing my father in law will definitely be coming into my en suite bathroom that has not been cleaned. But I delegated that task and I can't do it. I am literally at the end of my energy and time.

Then to top it off, dear husband goes to bed saying, "is there anything else you want to say." Which is neither an acknowledgement nor a gratitude. I told him I wanted accolades. I wanted to be celebrated for making the house look great. In the process, I torpedoed our relationship. I am just so beside myself. Maybe I should go rollerskating.

P.S. I can still hear my heartbeat inside my ears. It sounds like someone is bouncing a basketball in the alley outside my window. But it's just me, existing.

10 things I have learned from being a Disney mom

It is rare for me to have an original thought these days. Even less likely is that I actually write it down. And further, following up on that thought is the rarest event—like seeing a unicorn. Speaking of magical, I wanted to formalize some things Disney has taught me. These lessons translate into other areas of my mom life, so I wanted to share them in a list format.

1. On time is late. Early is on time. Way early is best. 

For Disneyland, I love doing rope drop. The first hour of the day is the most efficient. You want to be there as early as possible. If there's a virtual queue, join it. This extends to registering for after school programs, summer camps, marathons, whatever. Find out when the registration opens and know exactly what you want to purchase beforehand. Have your credit card ready and check out quick!

2. Having a magical day is your responsibility. Make a plan. Do your research.

Coming to the park with your top three already decided is really helpful, like what attractions and experiences are on your bucket list. This applies generally to prioritizing your life. You can be happier if you know what your goals are and celebrate when you achieve them. I'm not saying obsess over every single thing, but you don't want to be feeling FOMO when that holiday parade you saw last year just happened yesterday because you forgot to plan this year.

3. Bundle and save, but don't sweat the spending. If you are on a budget, use gift cards to limit your spending.

Buying in bulk at Disney isn't a thing, but you can save money with an annual pass (magic key). You can also save by purchasing a promotional 3-day ticket with flexible dates. Waiting until promotions are available will save you money in the long run. I'm not into unlimited spending, but I'm more of a 50-50 strategy. Bring 50% of the calories you plan to consume and plan to buy the other 50% while in the park. Same with toys. We try to stick to a $100 budget for each park day. We've used gift cards to restrict kiddo's spending too. I'm doing reverse budgets for our runcations to see how much we spend; that way, we can make a plan for 2025.

4. Bring enough hats and sunglasses for everyone. Make a packing list and stick to it.

Prepared is armed. If you forget a hat, you'll be paying extra $$ for a hat in the park that is more expensive than it has any business being. Likewise, with sunglasses, even if the day starts out grey, it will probably get sunny by the afternoon. Being outside all day leads to eye strain and fatigue. The best idea is a one-to-one ratio of sun hats and sunglasses to people in your party. This goes for any function like a beach day or a hike.

 
5. Stay ready so you don't have to stress while getting ready.

We have a corner where we keep our suitcases, park bags, toiletry bags, and diaper bags all packed. We copy and paste from previous packing lists and check off items as they are loaded into bags, which are loaded into the car. We keep track of when we leave the house, get to the parking structure, and get to the park. That way, we will know next time if it's worth leaving sooner or if we can try leaving later, and we don't stress about it. We even load up the car the night before so that in the morning we can just make coffee, get dressed, and walk out the door.

6. Comfortable over cute every time.

If you have two pairs of shoes, choose the more comfortable one. Don't even think of wearing something new that you haven't worn before for an extended period of time. Consider bringing a poncho if it's raining. It's not cute, but you'll enjoy the day more if you're not stuck in wet clothes. Make sure you have a pocket for your phone that is easily accessible because you'll need it often and quickly to capture those magical moments.

7. Cast members will move your stroller. It will not remain in the exact location where you parked it. Do not panic. Personalize it.

One of the best things we did was to get a stroller sign with our name on it. When you get enough different strollers in one place, the odds of someone else having the exact same model as you are finite. You need to be able to find your stroller when it's not where you left it, and you don't want anyone walking off with yours accidentally. This could be extended to any piece of luggage for travel. Also this can be extended to life in general, it won't always go to plan. Remain calm. 

8. Any moment is perfect for a sing-along, parade or dance party.

Leave your inhibitions at home. This is the time to make memories with your kiddo. Sing out loud if you know the words. March along with Mickey and friends. Dance in the street. Seize the day. Nobody cares if you look ridiculous. Just have fun and be in the moment. The biggest thing kiddo says is Mommy stop looking at your phone. So if you can, just be immersed in what's happening right now.

9. Calories don't count when you're walking all day.

We typically walk 7 miles or so in the parks. That's about 400 extra calories. Yes, I know Disney treats can be very caloric but as long as you stick to your budget, there shouldn't be too many extra calories involved. Enjoy what you do eat. Don't worry about it. Choose something fun and memorable that you can't get elsewhere.

10. A kiss goodnight is sweet.

I don't know how people stay all day until the nighttime events. I think I've only seen one night parade. But I think this is one of the nicest things about the parks, in concept. To say goodnight with music and fireworks. Or a dancing fountain. Or projections set to music that tells a story. I think this can be generally extended to parenting. Kind of like the saying, "don't go to bed angry." Kiss and make up. Go ahead and apologize for losing your temper at 2pm when you were dehydrated, sunburned, and exhausted. Tell a bedtime story. 

Everything we program into our little ones is stored in their amazing brains. I find it fascinating to see what pours out of my kiddo. I can see that those long days and nights of investment are already starting to pay dividends. Albert is an impressive storyteller. He remembers Disneyland and wants to go back.

lost my hearing

In a strange turn of events, I have a double ear infection and I can't hear. It started off pretty innocently, just a little runny nose. I kept up with my training. I remember doing my 10-mile training run and wondering if it was the right thing to do or not. That was Sunday, November 10th (10 days ago). I did do two 2-mile runs the following week, but it was a taper week and it got pretty cold. Later on Thursday, November 14th, I started to lose hearing in my left ear. By Friday, November 15th, I couldn't hear in the right ear either. I tried to rest all day Saturday, thinking it would clear up. But after sleeping most of the day, both ears were still plugged up late Saturday afternoon. We went to urgent care around 4:30pm and returned home at 8:30pm with antibiotics. People have been telling me that it should resolve after a couple of days. So now we're on day 4 of taking amoxicillin, and I still can't hear. 

This semester came in so challenging. I got a change to my teaching schedule on August 9th. That was the Friday before my kiddo's first day of TK. Within a few days, he came down with COVID. Then my husband and I got it too. I was behind from the first week of classes all the way until about week 4 or 5 (end of September). After things settled down, I got a bit sad because we had low participation for RunClub. Just when I thought that was canceled, it was back on!

Being without hearing for a week has been odd. I feel like I'm forced into a meditative state. I can't be entertained by podcasts or music right now. It's a lot of work to have a conversation or watch TV because I have to read the subtitles or people's lips and really strain to pick up what they're saying. So I'm really in my head. What's nice is I've found a bit of gratitude there. It's the lead-up to Thanksgiving now. I'm in the home stretch of the semester. I don't have to hear the students ask me what each piece of glassware is. I don't have to listen to my kid whining. I can't hear the brakes on our minivan squeaking. It's all diminished. And what remains is an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the people in my life.

It's that time of year where we trim the tree and send out holiday greetings. I did get to send a few care packages to loved ones in advance of the holiday break. I bought holiday stamps at the post office. I cut up photos of kiddo to include in the cards. There are just so many steps to sending these out, but I'm ready this year. I'm ready for the end of this year. I'm looking forward to the Holiday Half Marathon. I'm looking forward to the Rose Bowl Half Marathon. I'm taking these setbacks (like this double ear infection) in stride because my training has been strong up until this point. I'm on track to submit grades early. Amazingly enough!

I've been working on my holiday bucket list. Or should I say, a list of holiday traditions that are meaningful to me. Given that we only have a few weekends to plan stuff, I want to make sure we're prioritizing things that are meaningful and not just "staying busy."

Nov 23 - Birthday Party 10am - noon
Nov 24 - Grand opening of Boeckmann park 11930 Mason Ave Porter Ranch 2-6pm (11 miles)

Nov 28 - Thanksgiving
Nov 30 - Holiday Train / Downtown Disney
Dec 1 - Pick up Fitlicious / Hot Chocolate Run (13 miles)

Dec 7 - Discovery Cube?
Dec 8 - CicLAvia + GH Holiday Parade 1:30pm - 4pm (14 miles)

Dec 14 - kids race
Dec 15 - Half Marathon + Chatsworth Holiday Parade noon-5pm

Dec 22 - Discovery Cube?
Dec 23 - 15 miles

Iceoplex Winter Wonderland 
Dec 23-Jan 5 
three sessions (9am-noon, 1pm-5pm, 6pm-10pm)

ALL ABOARD! We got our tickets for
Saturday, November 30 - Anaheim (A.M.)

Welcome Event: 8:30 a.m. at Anaheim Station. Train Departs: 10:00 a.m.

Discovery Cube

🍪Cookie Decorating – Guests will learn about primary and secondary colors and decorate a cookie to take home

🎅Visit Santa Claus: November 23-24, 29-30, December 1, 7-8, 14-24. Appearances from 11:00 am – 2:00 pm.

👨‍🍳Meet a Pastry Chef! Gingerbread demonstrations on November 23-24, 40, December 1, 7-8, 14-15, 21-22, 28-29, January 4-5. Demo times: 11:00 am and 1:00 pm.

Westfield Topanga Village Snow falls Friday-Sunday evening Dec 3-23. 6, 7, 8pm.

Other ideas for the holiday list:

Yolanda Lights FREE

Baking gingerbread house

Sending holiday cards

White elephant @ CSUN

Holiday lights bike ride

Boat Parade Newport Beach

Rose Parade Bike Ride