Monday, April 28, 2025

Race Report: Rose Bowl Half

It was my first time running the Rose Bowl Half, which I had registered for as part of a series of races leading up to the Los Angeles Marathon. This was their 9th annual event. 

The event itself: Where? How long? When? Weather?

Start and finish at Rose Bowl stadium in Pasadena, CA, with some portion along historic Route 66. Loved running along Green St and Wilson Ave along the campus of Caltech. We woke up at 3:30am, left at 4am, parked by 4:30am, and snuggled up in the car until 5:15am. Parked in lot K for free. Easy in and easy out.

The weather was ideal, low 48 and high 60 with cloudy skies. Cool breeze for most of the race. No precipitation. We had a flash flood the day before, so the air was super clean and there was only 1 major puddle left that I saw near the stadium.

Course description and logistics

The hardest miles were the first 3 and the last 3. The middle was good. Because I am a member of the LA Roadrunners, we got to warm up and stretch in the same locker room used by UCLA football players 🏈. I felt like a real athlete. The Pasadena Pacers were in the other locker room. I don't know who got the home team and who got the away team. It was nice to have flush toilets. I didn't have to use gear check because we left our stuff in the locker room. The security was strict about checking wristbands.

Locker Room

I'm glad we walked a 5k with bib pickup on Saturday (no race-day bib pickup without paying extra $) because we ended up walking the last 3 miles of the half marathon course in the same direction as we ran in the race. It was good mentally to know the terrain, and I was running faster on race day compared to the day before when we were walking it.

Training

Coach David made us a schedule for the half after the marathon. Normally, the marathon is the end of the season, but due to the wildfires, April was the soonest the half could be rescheduled. It was a 6-week schedule, but the first two weeks were resting and active recovery. Then there were two build weeks and two weeks of taper. Honestly, it was rough. I felt sore the entire time! I ended up with an unintentional 18-day run streak leading up to and including the race.

Gear and nutrition

I wore the race shirt, but I tailored it with my sewing machine. I'm not too impressed with races that offer unisex shirts and also don't allow people to exchange their shirts for a different size. I laid the 2XL on top of another shirt that fits well and pinned it. Probably removed 2 inches of fabric from each side. Got lots of compliments on the ensemble. I wore my wildflowers sparkle skirt for the first time, as it coordinated well with the color of the race shirt and the race theme. I mainly wore light-colored calf and arm sleeves since the skirt and shirt were so busy. And my sparkle Tinkerbell visor, of course. Haha, I had to stop after mile 11 and take off my Crowned Athletics sports bra. Felt like I couldn't breathe. Much enjoyed the last two miles without it. Wearing two bras is a good idea for a few hours, but usually I don't finish the run with both on.

I ate a trail mix containing almonds, pistachios, pecans, dark chocolate chips, and Cheerios 1.5 hours before the race. I ate a banana on the way from the locker rooms to the corrals 30 minutes before the race start. I took 3 Gu, 6 x 2 Clif bloks, 8 salt stick electrolyte fast chews during the race. My training really kicked in, and the fueling strategy I had practiced was automatic. The race organizers told us to dispose of trash in the containers provided, but trash cans were few and far between. I stashed my trash and noticed it while unpacking my vest. Nobody likes running with sticky wrappers.

Specific experiences

I took a tumble around mile 4, taking a photo while walking backwards. I did a slow-motion fall because I walked into a traffic cone. Not my proudest moment. But I didn't plan to take many photos. And that made me keep my phone stowed a lot more during the race. Also, I wanted to keep my pace up and minimize the use of technology. I wore a regular watch instead of a smartwatch because I no longer look closely at my heart rate data.

Rose Bowl Half Splits

After getting dropped by the 3-hour pace group before mile 8, I found my groove with a few other runners. Due to the London Marathon, the availability of pace leaders was limited. There was no pace group between 3 hours and 3:30. That was the most fun because I wasn't in a crowd. I was going at my own pace, but I wasn't alone. I didn't realize that if I were in the middle of a big group, I probably wouldn't get any photos from the race photographers because my bib was hidden among the crowd. I was glad I brought my GymBoss and headphones so I could continue with the run/walk intervals even without the pacer. We ran 2 minutes, walked 1 minute. It took me about 3 miles to synchronize my timer with the pacer. But that was okay because the first 3 miles were the hilly ones with more walking.

Finish and associated emotions

I was looking forward to lying in the grass on the 50-yard line of the stadium, and I did it. It was everything I had hoped for. The clouds were beautiful. It was a comfortable temperature. I was relieved to have crossed the finish line without any serious incidents or injury. It felt like my body was cramping up the whole race, one muscle group at a time. Stretching was vital and comfortable in the grass. I loved watching the kids race and seeing my friend Yahaira crossing the finish line.

50 yard line

I had a bittersweet feeling because my son had a friend's birthday party at 11:00 a.m. Initially, I thought I could finish the race and then hurry home and make it to the party. When I realized that would be way too stressful, I canceled my RSVP for the party. So after I crossed the finish line, I called my husband and told him where the gift was. The most remarkable thing was that some of the other parents at the party said to my husband, "Your wife is in really good shape!" I had walked 6 miles at the zoo with my son and 21 of his classmates on the Friday before the race. This is part of the reason I run, to be in good shape so I can go on field trips and keep up with the 4 and 5-year-old kiddos. I'm not going to let them outrun me. They might be faster in a sprint, but I'll catch up and be able to keep going, leading the expedition.

Overall evaluation of the event

Seeing Coach David at mile 3 after climbing out of the Arroyo and turning onto Colorado Blvd was awesome. I heard his voice in my head saying, "And now the race begins!" I thought all the out-and-backs were going to be torture, but it was actually a fun way to say hello to other runners who run at different paces. So many runners cheering for each other and saying Hi! across the medians.

Overall, great route. Good vibes. Pasadena is such a pretty place. Super neat finish line. I had such feels running into the stadium and through the finishing chute. The hills didn't kill me as much as I thought they would, so I guess all my hill training was adequate. I usually plan on running alone, so it was a new experience trying to stay with a pace group for the majority of the race. I didn't train at that pace, so I didn't expect to be able to finish with them, and I knew it would be a stretch. I might do this race again. Or I might run the 5k and sign my kiddo up for the kids' race. I really wanted to finish the half in time to see the kids race, and I did!

Race Budget

Registration    $109.40 (paid on June 10th)
Crowned Athletic $139 for Luisa (Powerful Hermana), $146 for Merida (Changed Fate), $162.75 for Poisoned Heart Villan skort and Red Arabian Nights Princess bra.
Sparkle Athletic Rainbow calf sleeves $18.93
New watch $14.98
New shoes $175.55
Reward for participating in a research study $50.00
Race day transportation (gas) less than $10.
$724.11

I took all the race shirts from this season out of my leggings organizer; it really feels like the season is over now. I'm looking forward to participating in the Run Riverside Challenge, which involves three consecutive races. We've already booked our hotel for the Mission Inn Run. We're looking for hotels for the Citrus Heritage Run and the Palm Desert Half. That would be the extent of my preparation for the 2026 LA Marathon. I'd like to scale back the number of races per year so that we can allocate adequate money for each race weekend and make it a racecation. Disneyland has announced that the Half Marathon weekend 2026 will be their last event for a while, yet I still think I will skip it.

$1466 2024 Disneyland 5k (with two park days)
$284 LA Big 5k (no hotel)
$522 OC Marathon (without running the race)
$640 CdM Scenic 5k
$1063 SMC Classic 10k/5k (with no hotel)
$1075 Mission Inn Run
$1499 Holiday Half Marathon
$1366 LA Marathon and Marathon Spending
$724 Rose Bowl Half (no hotel)

$8639 for the entire "race season," wow, definitely more expensive than Disneyland Magic Keys 🤣. Hence why I am trying to cut back to only 4 races next season. And I have to cut back on my habit of collecting sparkle skirts and crowned athletic. #crownedbroke #sparklesquad

Race Season Progress
InBody Scan Progress Tracker

I will close with this. I went for an InBody scan at Nutrishop, and these metrics are still trending in a desirable direction. One of my goals for the LA Marathon was to reduce my body fat, which I have done. It's been painfully slow progress, but considering my age and hormone situation, it's remarkable. Running in graduate school and beyond helped me balance my mental health, and changes to my body composition were an unexpected benefit. Now it's the opposite. I'm running to change my body composition, and the mental health benefits are a glorious side-effect.

Tuesday, April 22, 2025

5 days until Rose Bowl Half

After my time trial, I feel so tired. I feel like my torso is dragging my legs along. My whole body feels achy and heavy. I feel like my hormones are all out of whack. I cried for no reason on Friday and Saturday.

I feel good because I am getting faster. On paper, I am faster. But in my body, I feel sluggish. I had planned on doing more cross-training when I finished the marathon, but training for another half-marathon right away has been tough.

I remembered I was so excited for a January race. I figured it would be cold. I had an outfit planned accordingly. Now I'm not sure what to wear. Luckily, the weather is still going to be cool, at least according to the forecast.

Okay, it's time to debut Forest print and wear it with the race shirt. #sparklesquad #teamsparkle


RB_tee_web_small

Monday, April 21, 2025

10 days until the Rose Bowl Half

I'm at the point now where I'm at the end of the season. I'm planning next season. I realize this race is a beast, I also realize I'm not quite ready for it. I feel slow and injured right now.


Thursday, April 10, 2025

how to PR in fun

If you have a race coming up, I encourage you to seek a PR in fun. Off the top of my head, here is a list of actions that work for me:
  1. Take your pace and throw it out the window!
  2. Don't compare yourself to others. Let them run their race and you run yours.
  3. Sing out loud, create a banging playlist, and blast it.
  4. High-five spectators. Stop for a moment and BE a spectator. Cheer for other runners. Thank the volunteers and police officers.
  5. Celebrate non-scale victories! 
  6. Wear an outrageous costume that puts a smile on other runners' faces—or, more importantly, your face. This will give strangers a way to initiate a conversation with you.
  7. Bring stuff to give away: stickers, friendship bracelets, extra Gu. Make friends in the corrals and on the course.
  8. Run with a friend or family member. This makes excellent race photos that are also family photos.
  9. Take all the pictures. I ran with two extra fuel rods, and it was 100% worth it.
  10. Use fun treats instead of gels. Think gummy bears, nerds, pop tarts, ice cream, and donuts.

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Full disclosure, this next part in italics was written by CSUN's OpenAI ChatGPT Edu:

__________________________________

Title: Getting a PR in FUN — The Magic of Party Pace

There’s a kind of PR you won’t find on a results page.

It’s not tracked by your watch. It doesn’t require negative splits. And it’s not defined by anyone but you.

It’s the PR in fun. And it starts at party pace.

Party pace isn’t about slowness—it’s about fullness. Full of laughter. Full of stories. Full of moments when you remember why you fell in love with running in the first place.

_________________________________

After I read that, I almost cried. Because it's exactly how I felt about the LA Marathon. I wanted to write about how to get back to the fun of running. I also used ChatGPT to explore the concept of non-scale victories and how they can apply to running.

_________________________________

A non-scale victory (NSV) is a win that has nothing to do with the number on the scale—and everything to do with how you're feeling, growing, or living your life with more confidence and strength.

In running (and beyond), NSVs are the real-life rewards that remind you your efforts are paying off, even when the scale doesn’t move—or isn’t the goal at all.

Here are a few examples of NSVs for runners:

  • Running a little farther or faster than you did last week

  • Waking up with more energy

  • Your clothes fitting differently (hello, stronger legs!)

  • Making it up a hill without walking

  • Saying yes to a race you once felt intimidated by

  • Feeling proud in your own skin

  • Not needing to stop during a run for the first time

  • Recovering faster than you used to

  • Choosing rest without guilt

  • Smiling during your runs more often

They’re mental, emotional, social, and physical wins that deserve to be celebrated just as much—if not more—than any number.

________________________________________

I've had more than a year of non-scale victories to celebrate. I remember when I first started running I would say to myself, "one day I will run up to and around this corner without stopping." And it feels so good to get to that point. Starting over is so hard.

I looked at my training plan for today, I thought it said strength but it didn't. I get to take a break from my program and it feels good. Like I can breathe and have some mental freedom to write about how to let go and have more fun.

But wait, why would you sign up for a race you have no hope of winning? Because race day is the vibe. There's nothing like the collective energy of tens of thousands of people traveling in the same direction for the same reason, crossing that finish line, and getting a medal. It's about fitness and community. 

The race weekend is everything. The expo. You get goodies and learn about other resources that support your running habit. The kids' race. How adorable are the tiny runners? The warm-up. Some races have a fitness instructor who leads the group through fun exercises. The post-race experience. Some races have a breakfast afterwards. Most have music at the finish line. To each their own, I'm not trying to tell you how to enjoy running. Rather, I'm sharing what works for me. In the hopes that it might inspire you to manage your expectations in a way that allows you to taste the magic of party pace.

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Finish line face

As many have said, the training is the hardest part of doing a marathon. If you follow a training plan, there will be days when you don't feel like doing your workout. The race is a celebration! It's your victory lap. You've already done the hardest part, which is the daily grind. And most likely, you've already achieved many of your non-scale victories. So enjoy your race day. You earned it.

When I crossed that finish line, I didn't feel elite. I already earned a PhD, which is something that less than 2% of the world's population holds. But the internet is suggesting that completing a marathon is similarly rare, so I guess I should be even prouder of this. After attending the LARR brunch last weekend, I realized that there are some people who have just completed their first marathon, but a lot more who have done 10 or more marathons in their life.

Sitting with my training group, someone asked, "Who already signed up for next year?" Almost everyone's hands went up. Now I realize that's a self-selecting group. Those who attended the brunch were invested in the community, but it surprised me that many seasoned runners were still planning to continue training and repeat the race in 2026. And I did it. I signed up for 2026. Not because of the brunch, I had already done it before the brunch.

These gals created a WhatsApp for the training group. Many returning runners said it was the most fun group they've ever been in. I had no idea since it was my first time, but I definitely enjoyed the camaraderie of the online support. The silliness. The inside jokes. The gifs. This group trained in fun and finished with a PR in fun for sure.

I didn't finish the LA Marathon with what I consider a glamorous finish time. I was nervous to say it or share it. But I'm not ashamed of my performance on race day. I walked a lot of my training runs, and I walked a lot of the actual race. I'm okay with it. I had a fun time. I experienced the LA Marathon like I would enjoy CicLAvia. It's an open street event with entertainment and snacks. Sometimes you have to embrace the suck (mile 20). And there's no shame in walking; forward is a pace (mile 23).

Monday, April 7, 2025

sweatpants

I'm thanking the inventor of sweatpants today. It's interesting that sweatpants' history dates back to runners in the Olympics in the year 1920. Sweatpants became a staple of the American wardrobe during the global pandemic of 2020, a century later. I would love to see a historical photo montage of the evolution of running warm-ups. Instead, here is a historical montage of my sweatpants. These stoned sweats were bought in the aughts after Juicy Couture popularized the bejeweled velour tracksuit. I remember I wore them until they had massive holes everywhere.

VS Pink 2009
Victoria's Secret Pink with Rhinestones on the Butt circa 2008

The new sweatpants I got from Target, as a Valentine's gift to myself this year, are of the brand Universal Thread. I bought them in 4 colors. The green ones say Kindness. The blue ones say Perfect As Is. The red ones say Love. The pink ones say, "it's a good day to have a good day."

Love
Love

One sweatshirt I got this year was a different brand, Grayson/Thread, and it is pilling. It's not as heavyweight. Another sweatshirt I got is the brand Wild Fable, and it is holding up better after many washes. I love the message, too: keep dreaming. It is 80% cotton and 20% recycled polyester. I got a sweatshirt last year made of 55% Cotton, 45% Recycled Polyester. Women's Hooded Love Sweatshirt - A New day™. I love the coral logo but it's been hard to keep it clean because it's cream-colored. But the point is that it's been durable and I've worn it A LOT. 

I do remember these pink sweats, which I wore last time I was running long distances. They were pretty thin and I probably mostly slept in them, and I definitely wore them until there were massive holes in them. This is my sister and it was probably the only time in my life where we could wear the same size.

270A0084
Old Navy? Sweats circa 2010

I don't know why I feel the need to justify these purchases, maybe because they were expensive. But with sweats, I don't buy them often, and I wear them out until it's unsafe to wear them in public because the inner thigh gets holey. I was reading about all the clothing that was donated during the wildfires in Eaton Canyon and Malibu. There were SO many clothes, and because consumers buy clothes so often, the donated clothing was almost new. Unfortunately, what people who were displaced by the fires needed was more toiletries, cash, or food. Some of the donated clothing was probably sent for recycling. So it's interesting that stores like Target use recycled polyester in their new clothes.

Perfect As Is
Perfect As Is

I feel like I'm driving so hard right now. Like I'm using every possible minute in the day. The semester is wrapping up in some sense, or the home stretch will be a change of pace, but it's not over yet. The track suit was launched in 1939, which included matching pants and top. Adidas adopted the tracksuit in 1967, made from nylon instead of wool. RunDMC's 1986 music video really launched the Adidas tracksuit as a staple of the hip-hop scene.

20200112_183549
My Adidas 2020

I get up early, go for my run, do my strength training, or vice versa. Then I go to work. If I have time to grab a shower, I do, get the kiddo ready for school, and walk to school. I am getting a lot of miles, which is good. I'm having trouble getting in all my nutrition, though. And hydration is the worst. I'm pretty much unable to keep up with this. I've had these blue sweatpants for a long time, but I can't wear them to work because the flared leg drags on the ground. But the waistband is super wide and stretchy and it has a real working drawstring.

20201204_120158
Dec 2020 Pandemic Xmas

I joined Run Fit Mama in a 30-day program called Royal Core. It's kicking my butt in a good way. I asked my chiropractor if I should consider a breast reduction, and he told me to consider instead being mindful of my posture for 30 days, and then we'll talk about it.

I re-examined the vitamins I'm taking and took out all the ones that were there to support breastfeeding.



As of today, I've been taking the Menopause vitamins for a week. Unfortunately, it hasn't been an instant fix for all my symptoms. Besides sweatpants I'm living in jumpsuits. They're not as easy to use the restroom in, but they are extremely comfortable. All these things I can throw over running tights or bike shorts so that I can stay cozy all day at work, and throw in a workout midday if needed.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CGXVQKBT Muchpow Women's V Neck Sleeveless Jumpsuits Spaghetti Straps Harem Long Pants Overalls With Pockets (XX-Large)
$26.99 army green
$19.99 purple

I think I might be outgrowing my Latched Mama era, my Kindred Bravely era, as well as my LuLaRoe era. I don't need nursing bras anymore, but I'm not sure what my next era will be. Sports bras I guess?

Wednesday, April 2, 2025

priorities

Yep it's cycle day 20. Luteal misery. I fell on my run this morning and cut my knee and the palms of my hands. It got me thinking about my priorities. Should I have cut back the volume of today's run considering I'm a bit sick and on a difficult part of my cycle? Should I have done a shorter workout since my husband and I overslept? Was I rushing to get home and therefore not watching my footing? Was I pushing my pace too hard? Is it too soon after the marathon to be doing speed work again?

Mom
Wife
Teacher
Athlete / Coach
Dog Mom
Friend / Sister
Human Being
Woman
Artist / Gardener

The identities listed above define my priorities. Scheduling my time and doing the most important thing first is a struggle. Minute-by-minute, day-by-day, week-by-week, etc. I do count down the weeks of the semester. I count my parenthood duties as foremost in my mind. I cannot skip these. If my child is sick with a fever, I must drop everything else and take care of him until he is well again.

I guess my wife's duties are to my household and my husband. We took vows to care for each other in sickness and in health. As we strive to reach a more optimized state of health, these duties look like creating shopping lists and meal plans, cleaning kitchens and bathrooms, vacuuming and wiping down common areas, cooking and transporting food, restocking important household supplies, organizing items at the house so they can be inventoried and located, purging items that are no longer used. This is a long list. I also spend many hours per week just putting stuff away, sorting trash from treasures, and resetting areas to be useable again.

Next set of duties that I cannot skip, but also are not my top priority, are the things that I get paid for. Teaching duties, lesson planning, grading, sending emails, posting announcements, following up with absent students, etc. Writing quizzes, making copies, drawing on the board, communicating with colleagues in person and online, reading emails, and scheduling things. I put these things lower on the priority list when I need to, and then higher again when things at home are settled. I work ahead when I feel healthy and balanced, but I fall behind when other higher priorities become urgent.

My duties as an athlete/coach are sometimes higher and sometimes lower, but lately, they have been pretty high. I've let my health take a back seat to parenting and work for half a decade, and now I want to put it higher so that I don't skip workouts and backslide into more significant obesity than I currently am. I spend time creating content for YouTube to educate myself and my runClub. I program and track my workouts using spreadsheets and mileage trackers on Canva. I compare the data on my Samsung Health app to Strava Athlete Intelligence to keep myself motivated and moving forward. As Coach Bennett of the Nike Running app says, You're your best coach. Talk to yourself kindly as you would want your coach to talk to you.

I have a new identity as a dog mom again, which means that I have to fit dog walks into my life. I need to do some dog training and grooming, and remember to add her food to the shopping list, refill her water dish, talk nicely to her, and watch for her under my feet when I'm carrying something large so I don't step on her. 
Filling your cup as a mama
As a friend, this may look like hour-long phone calls to check in on the women in my life. Or it may look like sharing something funny or motivational on Instagram messages. It doesn't have to take up a lot of time when I'm busy, but it is a steady stream of back-and-forth to let those women know they are important, significant, loved, and cared for. It's similar to sisterhood. It's curating the village. This may be a separate post, but I'm leaning into paying for my village. I paid to join the run club. I paid to join the Sparkle Squad. But I get a lot out of it too.

How the "human being" tasks ended up so far down, I don't know. This is stuff like eating, sleeping and pooping. Stuff all humans do. Getting sick, getting well, breathing, digesting, the things we take for granted when it is going well. Maybe we should also put hydration in this category. Also shopping for stuff like supplements, vitamins, and tracking macros. I mean, this could also be a separate post. I've reconsidered the supplements I'm taking. After some bloodwork before my marathon, which I begrudgingly agreed to do, I briefly stopped taking all my supplements. But since then, I've started retaking most of the supplements I had paused. 

I guess I would put "woman" in here in a general way to say self-care. Beyond friendships. Stuff like pampering. Spa time. Being alone. Thinking your own thoughts. Blogging like I'm doing now. Doing something I enjoy. The other day I heard a podcast about Disney stuff and they mentioned that Bath and Body Works was doing a line of Disney Princess fragrances. I had to go to the mall and smell it for myself. I'm not sure why this resonates with me in the category of women, but I guess princesses are women and women are taught to be conscious of smelling good, not sweaty, and having soft skin, not rough. So this type of self-care is associated with femininity. It also falls under the Wife category since it involves keeping the lotions and soaps stocked. It is Woman, though, because this dry skin due to perimenopause is something else. And I'm hoping the lotions help with that.

BBW Disney Princess collection

Artist is the last, lowest, and least of my identities. But it's still there! This may be visual with crafting, or it may be kinesthetic with roller disco and dance. I had vowed that when I finished the marathon season, I would do something else in the off-season and get back into dance or rollerskating. And then I went ahead and signed up for another marathon! Yes, I'm doing the LA Marathon 2026. But I still have a lot of semester left to finish, and most of the summer will pass by before training starts again in earnest. Naughty Girl Fitness is $14.44 a month, and it's app-based. 

I'm still paying for my Fit4Mom instructor membership, which is $9.99 per month, not even covered by the amount I get paid for coaching the RunClub. After talking with my husband over the long weekend, we may have concluded that I might not continue coaching the RunClub. I might get more out of the season if I commit fully to LARR. The good discount with Fit4Mom is that you do not have to pay for the monthly membership as an instructor and you can still attend classes. I think I was paying $69 per month for Fit4Mom, and at one time, I was paying hundreds of dollars for a monthly membership and Body Well. 

People say good things about Orange Theory Fitness, and 24 Hour Fitness, but for now I've got my Planet Fitness Membership. It's $25 per month for the Black Card membership, which includes massage chairs, hydromassage, tanning and Total Body Enhancement, which I have yet to try but I might do it soon. It's vibration combined with red light therapy. Again, this could be a topic of a future blog post. What I'm looking forward to most is the end of the semester and our trip to Nebraska. What I'm not looking forward to is the Rose Bowl Half because it seems so out of place in the season, finishing up all the work of grading and submitting grades, and the weather going hotter and hotter as we approach summer. 

Maybe I could add to Artist also Gardener. And this is the lowest priority. At the moment completely dead. But it is generally in spring where I revive our garden. Albert has shown some interest in planting stuff for spring. It will be difficult to justify since we're traveling to Nebraska early in June, but maybe if I'm clear with my husband about care instructions, the garden won't be completely dead when we get back. And I really need to work on getting stuff OUT of our house. It's so overstuffed right now it's stressing me out.