self-love

What is the greatest love of all? Learning to love yourself. Whitney Houston became a mom in 1993, but recorded this song in 1984.

Katy Perry became a mom in 2020, but recorded this song in 2010 when I was doing my internship in Germany. I remember hearing it on the radio and feeling so homesick for SoCal.

Miley Cyrus recorded Party in the USA in 2009. I loved hearing this song when I was in Germany. It made me homesick for Los Angeles and I wanted to hop a flight back right away. I didn't appreciate Miley as an artist too much at the time, but now she's one of my favorite icons. Being proud of the USA doesn't ring as true for me anymore, hopefully this country will check itself before it wrecks itself.

I listen to my Disney Hits playlist and one of the songs that hypes me up the most is this one by Hannah Montana. Miley says she's not ready for motherhood, but there's still time, she's only 31. Her memoir Miles to Go was published in 2009. I really enjoyed the memoir of Jessica Simpson called Open Book. She talks about going to the Disney auditions and how messed up the whole process was.

Niki Minaj became a mother in 2020, but recorded Super Bass in 2010. Honestly, I was having a tough week and I put on this song and immediately felt better. The years I spent working on my PhD were some of the darkest times in my life but I have such a strong connection to the music from that era. 

Meghan Trainor (has two children born 2021, 2023 both via C-section). She wrote "Dear Future Mama" published in 2023 after PTSD from her first delivery. The song came out in 2023 and the video stars the ultimate momager Mrs. Kris Jenner herself. I'm wondering why Kris hasn't run for president yet. WE NEED MORE WOMEN IN POWER. And moms especially because they understand the sacrifices made to create life.

Meghan wrote "Made You Look" after her therapist asked her to stare at herself in the mirror for 5 minutes. She's always touched on themes of body positivity, but this song is truly all about it. I remember seeing this on Disney's Magical Holiday Celebration in 2022. While all the other artists were singing Christmas songs, she went ahead and dropped this song while wearing hot pink. It felt out of place for the program, but I loved it. This would have been filmed while she was pregnant with her second baby.

Britney Spears (has two children born in 2005, 2006) recorded Gimme More in 2007 and Work Bitch in 2013. Sometimes I wonder if this sexualized version of Britney was her idea or some idiot man's idea. 2007 was the year she shaved all her hair off, which I also did in 2010. I didn't do it because she did it, but it's kind of cool that I also got to experience hair-less-ness. I did it for basically for the same mental health reasons, and also I didn't need the hair at the time. I was running half marathons every weekend for fun and it was just easier not to have to wash and style my hair.

It's so hard to believe that Gimme More was recorded one year after she had two children. She would have been 24-26 years old then. She recorded Work Bitch when she was 32, the same age I was when I finished my PhD, got sober, and started working at CSUN. The Woman in Me is her memoir published on October 24, 2023. I still haven't read it yet, but I want to.

Lizzo is such an icon I would need an entire post devoted to her. I don't think I heard this song before today. She wrote it in 2015.

Tempo is the Lizzo song I have on my running playlist. Honestly, my playlist is one of the big motivators in my arsenal. The last long run, my headphones died at mile 17, and I couldn't run without my music. I had to walk the last mile.

Love this song because it was the time when people were emerging from the pandemic quarantine. Everyone was so traumatized by the isolation and uncertainty. Lizzo welcomed us back, and this video was filmed at CSUN. I remember getting hyped up watching Watch Out for the Big Grrrls in 2022.

It was so significant to me that I actually acknowledged the following artists in my PhD dissertation. I could not have survived that program without my playlist. I blocked out all the haters and did my experiments in sync.

Beyonce became a mom in 2012 and had a set of twins in 2017. Homecoming: A Film by Beyoncé came out in 2019 and Beyonce did a halftime show on Christmas Day in 2024 that was epic. Run the World came out in 2011, which was during some dark times in my life. Rather than doing less after becoming a mom, it is arguable that Beyonce's best work has been done after she had children.

Lady Gaga released The Fame in 2008 and Born This Way in 2011. Her music spoke to me in a way that is not easily communicated. I would listen to the album from start to finish on my little mp3 player. It was a Sansa, and it saved my life. I don't know if I still have it or if it eventually went to e-waste. The Edge was like the climax of my PhD. I felt like I could do anything because I came through the fire. Sometimes I still wish I had the tracklist from that music player.

Rhianna has two children born in 2022 and 2023. The song I remember most is Shut Up And Drive but mostly because of RuPaul's Drag Race. The song was recorded in 2006 and released in 2007. Drag Race All Stars Season 2 Episode 5 aired in 2016, ten years later. Finally, Miss Justin aka Alyssa Edwards was crowned in 2024 the first place winner of Global All Stars, nearly another ten years later. "She's not old, she's established." I've always been obsessed with drag queens because who would willingly want to dress as a woman when you're a white man? Women have some power but we just need to learn how to flex it like men do.

Shakira released She Wolf in 2009 and then went on to have two children in 2013 and 2015. I'm so proud of the women who stepped up to the mic at the 2025 Grammy Awards and let us have it. I don't know but you might still be able to watch it on Paramount+. I really felt like these women have staying power. They have been around for a long time and are finally getting the recognition they deserve AND using their power to speak truth on behalf of more vulnerable people.

What about you? What would be on your playlist entitled: Anthems for the Resistance?

And also: Why don't we celebrate matrescence? I mean yes, we throw a baby shower, but it's somewhat of a celebration for the baby. The gifts are all for the baby. What about the mom? Where are her gifts? We as moms give up so much of ourselves, it's hard to put that in perspective. Where would our society be without moms? There would be a population crash for sure.

I feel like we really need the 4B movement and we need to speak up and act up. I feel like women are taught to sit down, be quiet, follow the rules, and basically give up our power. I think to some extent men hate us because we have the power to create life and they don't. They want to enslave us basically. And we end up hating ourselves because they hate us. That's the patriarchy. 

I've been so stuck at work, I've been thinking about all this and not able to sit down and do one bit of work. I'm sick of feeling like a raw nerve, so vulnerable. But that's the power of women also. We can be strong AND vulnerable. We can share our feelings and not be thought less of. Men keep making these rules and women keep following them. We need to step up and be leaders. The power given to women with Title IX needs to be magnified, strengthened, and flexed now. 

I know women can't do it all, it is very all-consuming to create life and raise children. But also, we need to demand the flexibility we need to parent AND work. We need to allow women to have babies AND feed them AND show up for work. Because if you're not sitting in the boardroom, your concerns and your needs and your perspective and your ideas (which have immense value) won't be taken into consideration. 

Yes I understand some of my anthems might not be your cup of tea. But maybe you want to take a moment to create your own power playlist. Listen to it, do some weightlifting. Then get out there and show up. Show up for the people in your life. Speak your truth. Be brutally honest. Be authentically yourself. We have to keep moving forward, we're not going back.

Christmas Eve

It's winter. I'm still overweight after getting back into running and training steadily for over a year. It's Christmas day tomorrow and I'm nervous. Did I do enough to make it magical for my son? Am I being a good wife? Have I been a good sister, daughter, and friend this year? 

Have I done enough to build muscle and bone, to slow the gradual progression into middle age? Is high cholesterol going to kill me? Is it related to perimopause? Should I be on a cycle synching diet? Am I doomed to gain and lose the same 70 pounds over and over each decade of my adult life? Was there ever any hormonal reason for my infertility?

Why are all the female characters in Taylor Sheridan's dramas totally psycho and sex-crazed? Is that really how men see us? Or is that how they want us to be? Are they powerful because of their sex-appeal or are the sex scenes just there to keep you engaged in a storyline that is littered with foul language?

At what point do you take away a child's access to the world wide web? How far can you go with gentle parenting until you don't punish your child at all? How can a child comprehend boundaries if they never have a consequence of crossing the boundaries? How many miles can a child walk before it damages their growth plates? How can I teach my child to make friends on the playground when I don't even want to?

How many more training runs can I do before my toenails fall off? No wonder I can't sleep. I am seriously worrying about a ton of crap. This is the stress of the default parent. I managed the holiday magic. I went to the things. I finished up my work. I made the lists and checked them twice. Are holiday cards obsolete? Are cards just clutter? Are our family photos someone else's junk mail? Are we trying too hard to shove our cute little ones in other people's faces? What's the point if you don't feel a sense of connection?

How many miles are on my last pair of shoes? If I just broke out a new pair, will they last me until the marathon? When will my chiropractor be healed from his hip surgery? Why didn't I ask for a referral to someone else in the meantime? When can I get a massage? How can we afford all the repairs from getting out car fixed? Should we just buy a new car now?

And let's not even go too far down the rabbit hole of the next 4 years. By the end of it, my son will be almost 9 years old. What do I remember about being 9? Not much. I guess I was a big sister. My siblings would have been 3 and 1 year old. Yep, definitely don't remember this time at all. My parents were probably just barely surviving themselves.

I remember wanting to be the good girl. Wanting to be helpful. Wanting to avoid drama. Wanting to fit in. Wanting to have less scarcity. Resenting my dog. Actually really hating the dog. Why? Why does my son take out his aggression on his stuffed animals? Why do parents take out their aggression on their children? Because it's easy, right? And there's a pecking order. That's nature.

I feel like I can't calm down sometimes. I feel like I'm doing some of this work alone. Parenting work. I feel like my husband is doing the minimum and feeling like he's doing so much. I feel like he chides me for spending money on stuff but then hides his spending on his stuff. Like yeah running is a fun hobby but also it's for my health. Do I need a sparkly outfit for race day? No. But do new running shoes protect me from injury? Yes. Some sports bras give chafe and I'm still trying to figure out how to avoid that. 

No I'm not a medical doctor. No I don't want a mammogram. There are tests that I would like to run on myself but they have to be ordered by a doctor and the last time I asked for this person's help with checking my hormone levels, they didn't help me with that. I wish there were a fairy godmother for health stuff. Someone who would walk you through the right steps to get the outcome you are hoping for. I guess for me that would be a peaceful home life with less mom rage and a healthy body that is not going to be ravaged by inflammation, cancer, or osteoporosis. I want to have peaceful, healthy relationships with my family members and work collegues. I want to be a part of my community and uplift others. I want to finish this marathon and see how I feel after that. I know reaching one's goal in life doesn't automatically make you happy. It is more important that you see yourself in a positive light every day, all through the journey, regardless of how you look or feel every day. I try to squeeze in my self-care in 5-min increments. Just a little here and there. Not too much late night doom scrolling. But some nights, like tonight, I wonder if I'm enough. When we pack up all the twinkle and sparkle of Christmas, what's left?? My son is planning the days around his desire to shop for mystery cars at Target. He wants to go there every day for the rest of his winter break and collect as many as he can find or carry. He also wants a Transformer Barbie House for Christmas and I have no idea what that is or if it even exists. I did not buy it buy it buy it.

Women are not small men

The general guideline is 150 minutes of activity per week. This advice is about 20 years old.

What's important are the ratios of estrogen and progesterone, ratios change as you enter menopause.

Menopause causes a demise in sensitivity of receptors, change in gut microbiome, bone and muscle loss.

How can we do super high intensity work to cause epigenetic changes in the muscles as we become more insulin resistant?

Lifting heavy has a CNS effect. It stimulates muscle protein synthesis. Strength and power. Faster nerve signaling, stronger muscle contraction, in the absence of estrogen.

Raising cortisol is a danger zone. We already have elevated baseline cortisol. Resistance training with 10-12 exercises can just raise cortisol. 

Muscle fatigue is caused by the load? or the volume? Women tend to under-load. If you want to gain lean mass, you can just do a volume to fatigue. But if you want to prevent falls, you need the heavier load to engage proprioception. Do 5-7 reps of heavier load rather than 10-12 reps of lighter load. You can do 5 sets of 5 with good mechanics. 

Periodization is important for the rest of your life. It doesn't stop at one competitive event. You want cycles of building up and off-season. First 3 months is base building. Then add load.

Sprint-interval training. Not HIIT. Working at 95-110% of VO2max. You can only hold it for <30 seconds. Not more than 1 minute. HIIT is 1-2 minute intervals. In sprint-interval training, you're having longer 2-3 minute recovery periods. It yields more metabolic and CNS adaptations, which are more beneficial to perimenopausal women. More impactful than hormone therapy.

Metabolism, cardiovascular risks, bone density. Improves muscle uptake of glucose. Controls blood pressure. 

Protein is super-important! For even sedentary, obese or normal-weight women. 1 gram per pound which is compared to 0.6 grams per pound. Higher protein intake allows reorganization of body composition. If you add strength training, you can do it even faster. Recomposition.

Anabolic resistance happens in perimenopause. Taking in protein every 3-4 hours is important for recomp and protein synthesis. Without taking in protein, you can't recomp your body.

Men age linearly while women have a big change point in the mid-forties. We have some anovulatory cycles. We have estrogen without progesterone. We see significant changes including loss of lean mass, increase in adiposity. We don't have signals to keep lean mass. We are confused and therefore pack on body fat to prepare for hibernation. We lose strength and power.

We have to look at gut diversity. Because our hormones are digested in the gut. 

The tendency is that when women start storing fat, they just eat less. Downregulating thyroid, increasing bone catabolism, increasing muscle catabolism. You should not do fasted exercise. You should not be skipping recovery meals. Manipulating body comp is done by fueling training and eating less at night when you're not training.

If you fuel properly, you will have more energy, which will feed forward more quickly, and you will see results. Fasted training can work for men but not women, especially when we're going through menopause. Even for women who are in their reproductive years, fasted training is not good for us. We have a system for using free fatty acids in our mitochondria. We already have estrogen shuttling carbohydrates away from muscles, just by being born female. 

The recommendations are 100-150 calories, 15-20g protein preworkout before strength training drops cortisol and allows the body to have access to blood glucose. Pre-workout 15-20g protein with 30g of carbs before cardio training. Which allows us to train harder and recover.

Fasted women end up with more hormone dysfunction. Kisspeptin neurons. Men have more fatty acids available if they train fasted, but this does not work for women. Kisspeptin neurons regulate metabolism (fasting leads to low energy availability). The other Kisspeptin neurons regulate appetite and nutrient density. Keto and/or fasting can be counterproductive.

ROAR was first published in 2016 and updated in 2023. Oral contraceptives and hormone replacement. Different times in the cycle have either great or poor resilience to infection. Track your cycle and heart rate variability. Biohacking can lead to better understanding. Natural vs. synthetic hormones and how they are digested in the gut.

Bleed patterns will change when you approach menopause. If there's ovarian failure, you will have an extended follicular phase. You may get heavier or shorter periods, which is indicative of approaching menopause. When you have perimenopause symptoms, you need to get into sprint-intervals. If you're training 3x per week, do 2x per week sprint-intervals. Even if you're endurance training, do some sprint-intervals for metabolic control.

Even doing a sprint-interval once every 10 days, it's better than not doing any at all. You can go to the gym and do it in a group situation. You might find it hard to get the motivation to sprint. Doing two in one session is better than not doing it at all. Within reality, go for the 80/20 rule. Try to do it all the time and then it's okay to give yourself permission to skip 20% of the workouts.

Two weeks of focused training, then one week of recovery. Do what you love. Undulating periodization. "Focusing" could be heavier load on squats. Focus could be something else in the next 3-week block. As we get into perimenopause, we need more recovery. 

Estrogen without progesterone is responsible for how strong myocin bonds to actin. So we don't have as strong of a muscle contraction when progesterone is present. Acetylcholine (muscle depolarizing) is also effected by estrogen. No estrogen, less acetylcholine, less strong muscle contraction. Estrogen helps with strength and power. But progesterone limits strength and power. Progesterone is catabolic. It uses the resources to build endometrial lining. Estrogen is anabolic.

In the women's health initiative study, late post-menopausal, 8 or 10 years beyond menopause, women were studied that were manifesting major symptoms like bone loss, cardiovascular issues, and muscle loss. Adding synthetic hormones at that point had more risks than benefits. But there are lots of other things that can be done that can mitigate these things, other than taking exogenous hormones, for example in early perimenopause.

What supplements would you suggest? Adaptogens like maca, ashwagandha, reishi. SSRIs even can bring back a woman's sex drive, which is opposite of during the reproductive years if women are taking SSRIs for anxiety. Because menopause effects dopamine and serotonin signaling. 

Diindolylmethane (DIM) is a natural compound found in cruciferous vegetable family, which includes broccoli, Brussels sprouts, cauliflower, and cabbage. DIM can reduce the severity of hormone swings through the menstrual cycle making it more even throughout the month. Magnesium, zinc and omega-3 fatty acids to counter prostaglandins. Shisandra can address high stress and lack of focus. Holy basil and Rhodiola can specifically be helpful for perimenopause.

Insulin resistance makes us need to be more aware of when we take in carbohydrates. They help with gut microbiome and energy. As long as you are using a wide variety of colorful fruits and veg, you're getting quality carbs. Think more about when you take in carbs. 1g/kg per hour for refueling. 3-5g/kg per hour for moderately heavy training loads. 5-8g/kg per hour for the heaviest training loads.

Creatine 1/2 tsp (3-5 grams per day) women have 70-80% as many creatine stores than men. You will have fatigue if you don't get good sleep. Creatine can address low sleep or depression symptoms. Women tend to eat less of foods that contain creatine. Men tend to go through more creatine because they have more fast twitch muscles. Women tend to eat more endurance-related foods. Get more in and have it available. Creatine helps maintain gut integrity also, by maintaining the mucosal lining of the gut. 

Have a 12-h fasted window. Stop eating after dinner. Let your body focus on repair.

"Hit play not pause" group. Have conversations about normal aging. Vocalize to your doctor that you might be going through perimenopause. 

The Dr. Gabrielle Lyon show (podcast)

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/can-womens-health-get-better-with-age-stacy-sims-phd/id1622316426?i=1000597402794

Dr. Sims' TED talk

Graphic from

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/350098554_Sprint_interval_training_SIT_reduces_serum_epidermal_growth_factor_EGF_but_not_other_inflammatory_cytokines_in_trained_older_men

Moving On

It's hard to move on from such a disappointing election outcome, but c'est la vie. It didn't come as a surprise. I took a mental health day on Wednesday and then cried my way through the day on Thursday at work. I wrote up a special rant during kiddo's nap that I don't mind sharing here. If I had a daughter, this is what I would let her know.

Oh, how I wanted to be a man. If you can't beat them, join them. But they don't want to let you in the club. You're not welcome. You're not one of them, the good guys, the old boys club.

Being born a woman was a series of disappointments. You'll never be as tall, fast, strong, smart, capable, free as a man. And by the way, you'll get hips and breasts in a very painful adolescent transformation. And you'll be bleeding one-quarter of each month. And you'll have to pay for those tampons. No, men don't have to go through this. And you'll be responsible if you get pregnant, so you'll have to pay for birth control, which may ruin your chances of conceiving later on in life when you're ready to get pregnant. Without information on these long-term side effects, you'll have to make these choices alone at age 15. After taking this form of injectable birth control so you wouldn't forget to take it and accidentally get pregnant for 11 years, you'll be told that no person is meant to be on it for that long and certainly not for 10 years.

Then, when you are married, and you can't wait a moment longer to get pregnant because your eggs are nearly all rotten, you'll bear the guilt of infertility. You'll AGAIN take all the hormones to produce a final clutch of eggs. You'll take methylprednisolone, which will make you feel crazy. You will relate to American Horror Story - Delicate, except without the power of witchcraft. You'll be a pincushion for months. You'll put in messy suppositories. You'll take pills, too. Your child's father will have to make absolutely no lifestyle changes. You'll look back on the last decade of trying to conceive as a failure on your part, God's way of punishing you for being a bad person and undeserving of motherhood.

Then pregnancy! Your partner will never understand what it feels like to be literally connected to the fetus. Your breasts will undergo another painful transformation. While puberty makes you a target of the male gaze, pregnancy is a leveling up from maidenhood to matron. You are no longer of aesthetic value to society. Your girlhood is spent, and you no longer have the power of allure.

You will turn inward. You will be responsible for paying for the prenatal vitamins. You may have to manage extreme hyperemesis gravidarum during pregnancy. You may get gestational diabetes. You may have to work right up until your due date. You might have to go back to work right after delivering the baby. There are so many shitty parts of pregnancy, it's all your burden to bear. Men will never understand.

Then you'll deliver. You'll have to learn how to breastfeed. You'll fall off of a hormone cliff that nobody warns you about. You'll be in more pain than ever in your life. Nobody will explain anything to you. You'll be alone with your pain and confusion, postpartum anxiety, and intrusive thoughts. Nobody will follow up with you. There will be no assistance in healing your body despite being cut 7 ways to Sunday, from hip to hip.

You'll learn too late that there were things you should have been doing in the two months after your C-section that would have prevented scar tissue. But nobody told you about that, and anyway, you will be too afraid to touch or look at your scar because it reminds you that you weren't able to give birth vaginally because male surgeons are in a hurry to cut. Hospitals only let you labor for 24 hours, even though birth can take much longer. You'll work on strengthing your pelvic floor with so many Kegels before delivery and then learn after the fact that you should have been thinking instead of being flexible instead of strong. You will have high levels of relaxin circulating for 1000 days, or however long you breastfeed or however long it takes for your period to return, but that's different for every woman, and you have no control over that. You may be encouraged by friends to see a pelvic floor PT, but you won't be encouraged to do so by your doctor, so you will be uncertain whether it's covered by your insurance.

Then, the pressure to be a good mom will descend on you and weigh you down for the foreseeable future. Everything wrong with your child will be blamed on you and not the child's father. Every time your child does not fit the norm, you'll be shamed if you don't immediately make it your foremost project to fix. Your colleagues will think you are unprepared while you exist in the fog of mombrain. You will search for the right words, which will elude you, while your newfound sense of superhearing and empathy will remain underrated. Your career will stall. Your male colleagues will think, she used to be so sharp; what a shame, she really let herself go. You'll hear phantom crying, even when your baby is only 2 feet away from you on the other side of the shower curtain. You'll have the strangest night sweats, engorgement, cravings for bacon and chocolate, and the worst body odor of your life. After 7 months, your hair will randomly start falling out.

Then, after adjusting to the demands of breastfeeding and nightmares and teething and toddler tantrums and potty training and picky eating and learning to read and self-feed and self-dress, finally, the little person doesn't need you as much anymore, which is kind of a heartbreak in itself, then you arrive at perimenopause. You'll take supplements you would have never considered before. It's not like you are trying to be eternally youthful. You're just trying to get through the day and night with less pain and suffering. You take pills to address clogged milk ducts, muscle repair, milk supply, mood, bone density, hair, teeth, nails, connective tissue, and cartilage. Should you be taking more? Less? Who knows? Because there are no studies on women. There are not enough women who engage in extended breastfeeding in their 40s. Your menstruation is not well understood, nor is the transition to that third life era -- crone. And the responsibility of knowing about it and doing the right thing, taking hormones or not, is All on you. Your husband will not know anything about it, nor will your doctor. 4 out of 5 professionals will tell you that you are just depressed. The one that takes you seriously will ask for an exorbitant fee to even begin to help you put the pieces back together again. Your insurance won't cover it. Again, the financial responsibilities will be all up to you.

And by the way, you'll be paid less than your male colleagues. And men will get jobs they're underqualified for. Their competence will be accepted with a handshake while you run uphill to prove yourself even though you'll never be considered good or worthy.

I feel so sad and powerless. I was so hoping that one woman could step into her power today. That I might be able to say, as a woman, is that I am equally likely to become president or CEO or tenured professor or marathon finisher. Thank God I still have my running to keep me sane. I can just keep my head down and keep falling forward. I can make my home a happy and safe one. Will there be a women's march again? Will there be a march for science? Will there be a resurgence of black lives matter? What good did those marches do last time? When will we ever have representation that understands what women go through? I don't care if you're a brother, husband or father. You will never know what it's like to walk a mile in our shoes. Sharing this for the daughter I'll never have. I don't know what it is about this election defeat that is causing me to live the entirety of my trauma again. Maybe it has something to do with being grabbed in the pussy -- AGAIN.

  

A few sentiments that I've heard:

(1) She wasn't qualified. As if she hadn't just served as vice president for four years. And (nearly) every man elected president was someone's VP first—just look at my previous post. What more did she need to do?

(2) Men and women are reacting to the MeToo movement. They're tired of women calling them out for their bad behavior. They're tired of being politically correct. They don't understand trans people and don't want to. Gender pronouns? We don't know them. This is the empire striking back. But it's important to remember that a woman's place is in the resistance. I may have to rewatch that franchise to see how it ends.

(3) But is your life better now than 4-years ago, as if the last Trump presidency was a walk in the park. Everyone I know refers to 2020 as a "dumpster fire." It wasn't Biden and Harris that mishandled the pandemic so poorly. The insurrection of January 6th happened in 2021. So you can't blame the dumpster fire on Biden and Harris. That rests squarely on the shoulders of #45.

Also, Today marks 1700 days of breastfeeding. Nobody tells you it might go on this long, and there's no tutorial guide for stopping without causing more problems. And it's not all bad being a woman. There are some good parts. Fit4mom has been everything. My mom friends are a bright spot in the darkness right now. I'm going to attend Friendsgiving this weekend.

CdM Scenic 5k 2024 Race Report

The Corona del Mar Scenic 5k is a fun event in Orange County, Southern California. We originally started running it with my sister-in-law because the event is sponsored by Hoag Hospital, and she worked there.

3.1 miles. Lots of turns. Well-marked course. Right along the ocean. 60 deg F at the start, 64 deg F by the end. There was a marine layer, a calm and cloudy morning, which we call the "June Gloom." Very humid, even a bit of drizzle.

There were maybe less than 2000 participants. There were dozens of port-a-potties. There was a fun aerobic warmup and balloon arch start line. It was fun to let the men go first, then women second, and walkers third. 

I had forgotten that there were a lot of loops in the course where slower runners could catch a glimpse or wave to faster runners. So, it was fun for families and spectators.

Followed a Fit4Mom 10k training plan. Three days per week of runs and two days per week of strength training. One day of active recovery and one rest day. Not in that order.

Started off wearing a visor to keep the sprinkles off my glasses. Ended up swapping it for my sunglasses, which was the original outfit I had planned. Retiring my Brooks Ariels after this event.

I ate a cinnamon roll 3+ hours before the race, 4 egg whites ~2 hours before the race, and a Prime sleeve in 500mL of water. 

I got a bit psyched out in the first quarter mile because I think I started too far forward in the corrals, and almost everyone passed me. But then I put on my training playlist, and it really helped me calm down mentally. I had trained to it for most of my two-mile Tuesday morning runs, so I knew I was going at the right pace for me.

It was so heartwarming to run by my kiddo and husband who were spectating. The BOB jogging stroller was my aid station and SAG wagon. I swapped out my visor for a pair of sunglasses and immediately felt cooler (temperature-wise).

We walked the course the day before very slowly. It was good to program my brain with all the landmarks, and it was fabulous to see all the homes and gardens at a snail's pace. An unforeseen benefit is that I felt like I was flying on race day because I was going so much faster than the day before, and I had no anxiety about going the wrong way.

My pre-race A goal was to run continuously, and I achieved that. My B goal was to cross the finish line, and I achieved that. I didn't have a time goal, but I finished in under 45 minutes, and my pace was under 13 minute miles. I showed improvement over my last 5k race. 

I didn't have a lot of feels crossing the finish line, until I saw the other gals that were with me for most of the race hugging their family members. I said congrats and good job, and it was nice to run with you. Hearing how happy they were to complete their 1st organized 5k event brought tears to my eyes because I know how empowering it is to undertake your first 5k and what a significant accomplishment it is. Yes. People do much longer races, but for a new runner to be born is a thing of beauty.

Restaurant Row did not disappoint. There were three types of burritos, doughnuts, creme brulee, banana, and pasta—truly a feast. There was plenty to share with my husband and son. We didn't do the dolphin dash this year, but we might in the future.

Overall, I love this race and would completely do it again. This was my sixth time running it. I keep going back because it’s that awesome. Not only is the restaurant row at the finish line unique, but having the women's start staggered from the men's is also.

I saw many Disney runners sporting their long-sleeved shirts from the long-awaited return of the Disneyland race in January 2024, so it was fun to say, "I was there, too." The CdM Scenic 5k event is so fun. I highly recommend it. This was their 42nd year.

This was my sixth time running this course, and I am happy with my time.

2024     40:15     13.0 min/mi

2014     40:29     13.0 min/mi

2013     39:00     12.7 min/mi

2012     40:00     13.0 min/mi

2011     35:30     11.5 min/mi

2009     44:00     14.0 min/mi

On the left, I was a newlywed, still in the honeymoon phase of marriage. Still in the honeymoon phase of graduate school. Still in the honeymoon phase of my fitness journey. These were the good times. 2010 is where things started to go off the rails.

I've been through so much since then. I finished my PhD in chemistry in 2012. I chose to live a sober life in 2013. After a barrage of fertility treatments, I got promoted to mommy in 2020. I advanced to Senior Lecturer (rank C) in 2022, which is equivalent to a promotion from Assistant Professor to Associate Professor for a non-tenure track faculty member. These accomplishments are the promises come true.

If I could say anything to my 15-year-old self, it would be, "You've got this, sweetie." You're going to be challenged beyond what you think you can handle, but you CAN handle it. You will survive, and you will eventually find yourself in a happy, joyous, and free life!

The dark years (January, January and May 2010)

In January 2010, my husband moved to San Diego without me. I could visit on the weekends, but only every other weekend. It was soul-crushing because I wanted to be with him, I didn't know how much longer I would have to work on my PhD, and we were so tight on money because we had to maintain two separate living situations. Also, I had always wanted to live in San Diego, and it felt so unfair that I only got to be a part-time resident. My body was screaming that it was time to have a child, but my boss told me that it would be a deal-breaker. And if I got pregnant, then I just shouldn't return to work.

Running was something that allowed me to escape my reality. I was really running away from my problems instead of facing them. I did eventually start seeing a therapist, but I felt that he was more amused by me and not actually able to help me wrap my mind around accepting reality and getting me to a point where I could have a healthy perspective on my life. If I had realized that the time frame of the PhD would be 5.5 years and no longer and that I could have been happy and enjoyed it instead of striving for perfection and always falling short, I might have been able to keep my head on straight.

I will say also that even though I took these photos of myself to document my weight loss achievement, I was crumbling inside. I was so unhappy. It was bittersweet to reach a goal weight, goal time, or other milestone (to be faster than anyone on a bike) but to feel so worthless, useless, and wanting to die rather than to keep living. I can say that those were the dark years of graduate school after year 3. It was a continuous stream of experiments, failures, showing up to work and feeling undervalued, disempowered, and abused by coworkers. I felt more like roadkill than the badass I was. 

When I look back at this blog and the posts I wrote in 2009, 2010, and 2011, I realize I wasn't completely honest with you, dear reader. I wasn't able to be honest with myself about the amount of pain that I was in. I couldn't be honest with my boss about my strong feelings regarding family and my desire to have children. Now, it's too late. I'm happy to be "one and done," and I feel grateful that I could become a mother. But it still stings when people ask if we will have another kid. I'm turning 44 soon, so people should be able to see my age and know that this is not possible. Although a friend told me I don't look or act my age, so I should learn to forgive people for this question.

hungry heart

I don't always get a chance to write when the spark of inspiration strikes. More often I get a moment of clarity and then my 3-year old starts screaming for something and my insight vanishes like a drop of water on the Arizona asphalt. But for now, I wanted to write about the bittersweet return to school. Academia as a career gives me a break every summer and winter. So I do get to step back from my job duties and into my stay at home mom (SAHM) fantasy.

This morning we went to the grocery store to fill the fridge with healthy stuff after it was clear that Hurricane Hilary was no longer a threat. We bought a few things to continue cooking our way through my Disneyland favorites cookbook. It's been such a wonderful summer project.

I got halfway through the things I wanted to sew and then my sewing machine locked up. I haven't been able to fix it myself so I just packed it up and promised myself I would come back to it later. Albert has enough clothes and I can hand sew the rest of the name tags in to his pants and t-shirts. I kind of like doing it by hand anyway. It feels more intentional.

This week we have faculty meetings. I spent the morning doing laundry, dishes, meal planning and doing stuff related to post hurricane. I dumped out all the standing water to prevent mosquitoes. I put the patio umbrellas back up. I re-hung the shade on our garden window.

Saturday night, when I realized we had to cancel our Disneyland plans, I was so sad, I cried myself to sleep. It wasn't just the trip though. It was the stress of the transition from summer to fall. Letting go of all the summer expectations and milestones and to-dos that didn't get done. We had an amazing summer, to be sure. But now it's over.

I listened to "The Retrievals" podcast and relived some of our IVF journey. I looked back at photos from the day we decided to do it, to the week we actually started treatment, to the months between retrieval and transfer, to the early middle and late months of pregnancy. We got rid of the leftover medical supplies this past weekend and it was so freeing. I made my husband help because I needed a witness and I felt like it shouldn't be just my burden. He was there for all the injections, so he should help with disposal of the leftovers. I needed a witness to help observe that the process of disposal was labyrinthine and impersonal and confusing. But for me it was a reminder that we needed help making our son, that he wasn't the direct product of lovemaking, but instead we required a ton of interventions. It was a lot to process actually.

We got a power hub for our Sactional on the 1-year anniversary of buying it. Got a wireless phone charger. Got two more Kitchenaid attachments: Citrus Juicer and Masticating Juicer. Made spinach and kale and apple juice at home. It was yummy and fun. Got a Sous Vide and the accessories. I loved the chicken and I am planning to try it with pork ribs tonight. We love and use our kitchen gadgets so much.

I titled this post Hungry Heart because it perfectly describes the angst I'm feeling right now. I want time and space away from my family but at the same time I crave intimacy with them. I guess that is why they call it "quality time" and why "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I think you can yearn for an idealistic memory of a place, person or experience. Sometimes, as we found at Disneyland, the real thing is crowded, uncomfortable, and stressful. I think that's how parenthood can be too. I feel touched out quite a bit and am somewhat able to tune out the whining, screaming, biting, hitting, throwing and kicking but not all of it. I don't think my kid has any behavioral problem, it's just typical 3-year old "big feelings" or when he is "overtired." But I know I'll miss him when I go back to work because he can be incredibly sweet too.

November 2022 thoughts

11/2 - Wondering Wednesday - What to do while kiddo is sleeping in? When to send them back to daycare after a few sick days? How long will they continue to fit in the stroller? Mombrain is working overtime this morning!

I did a COVID test yesterday. It was negative, so at least we know it's not that. He has one molar left (top right) that has yet to erupt but he hasn't been asking for Tylenol so I didn't think it was that. He asked me to read him a book about being sad. It was powerful because he doesn't talk yet and maybe that was his way to communicate. His dad took the day off to stay with him because daycare drop-off was such a struggle that I gave up. I dropped LO at DH's office after trying and failing to convince LO to put on his mask FOR AN HOUR. DH has never done drop-off, not even once. So if he takes kiddo back over there, this will be a first.

I found the weight limits on our BOB Revolution CE 2011. There's a default position up to 40 lbs. Position 2 is for Child 41 to 70 pounds. So we have a ways to go. Our kid is light (28 lbs) but tall so his head hits the awning. I guess that's why I thought he might be getting too big. I have a folding wagon with a removable canopy, which allows for much taller kiddos. A snack tray in the wagon would be nice. I also would love if it had the push bar handle instead of a pull handle.

11/7 - November is moving faster than October. October moved faster than September. I barely remember August at this point. I'm so grateful.

We finally have a return to menstruation. It's been 32 months of breastfeeding, which has saved our family $424 in feminine hygiene products. So we celebrated by getting Sprinkles strawberry cupcakes which were delicious and look like boobs.

Also I am celebrating that I AM NOT CRAZY. I was having hormonal rebalancing that made me sad and IT WAS REAL and it will get better.

https://swnsdigital.com/us/2019/11/new-research-reveals-how-much-the-average-woman-spends-per-month-on-menstrual-products/

I bought ~$100 of stuff at the SCV KIDS Online in Valencia in September. I bought ~$100 of stuff at LA KIDS Online in Burbank in October. One of the things I bought was a lot of fake succulents. I stuck them into my vertical garden because my real succulents weren't looking too hot. I think it looks absolutely great. I'm happy we are going to see Thomas the train this weekend to celebrate Veteran's day and spend the day with Albert's grandparents. We are also planning to sell some stuff at LA KIDS San Fernando Valley in Woodland Hills in December. If I can secure a consignor number tomorrow at 10am. Not that I'm trying to make a ton of money, but it would be nice to clean out the garage of stuff that we aren't really using. Some things are just a "miss" in terms of what Albert likes.

11/15 - Oh the money I've spent on vitamins! I seriously wish it would be covered by insurance or just shipped to you (government issued). Right now I'm taking postnatal, vit D, vit B12, Calcium-Magnesium, and lecithin. It's $1.20 per day. It adds up. From kiddo's DOB until now, that would add up to $1,171.20. I had it in my imagination that we could take a nice vacation for the price of these vitamins, and yes, it's true. That's not including the prenatal vitamin, vit B6 and digestive aids I was taking during pregnancy. Like, it feels sad to spend our hard-earned money on this. Like, earning money at all feels sad. I feel sad every time I leave my kiddo behind while I go to work. I feel sad that a mother's work isn't really recognized in our society. I feel sad that there aren't a lot of postnatal visits for the birthing parent. I feel like pelvic floor PT and talk-therapy should be compulsory. And complimentary. I probably feel sad because I'm going through weaning blues. There are symptoms associated with weaning like dizziness that nobody warns you about. I got a whole book on weaning and it's not even mentioned. I feel sad that my non-teaching days are treated like "days off" but they're not really days off, I still have a ton of student work to grade. I'll be over here crying in my tea buried under a mountain of ungraded papers.

TLDR: My kiddo is home sick today.

11/17 - Another day, another daycare battle. I do my best to comply with the mask policy, but now there are signs posted saying the kid cannot enter the classroom OR THE HALLWAY unless they are wearing a mask. Masks are optional in the atrium where sign-in happens. I am so sick of battling my kid to put his mask on.

We had just gotten into a good groove where I take him into the classroom, he washes his hands, we say goodbye and he puts his mask on WILLINGLY. Prior to last week, we would have a battle in the hallway because he couldn't go into his classroom without a mask. Now he can't go into the hallway so we have to battle in the atrium. I ended up carrying him out to the car to "start over" and I had him put his mask on outside before we went into the atrium because it was just so embarrassing to have a screaming kid in the big open indoor area.

I think one of the most unsettling things about the pandemic was the changes in policy. Like when we get used to one thing, then the policy changes, we just have to adjust and it sucks. And it seems arbitrary, we don't always get to know the "why." The kids don't wear masks while sleeping or eating, which they do right there in the classroom. Honestly I don't even know what this battle is about. I just know that if I'm not willing to do it, we'll get kicked out of this daycare and it is well-priced and conveniently located.

I hate that I'm the one consistently doing dropoff and I'm the one fighting this battle and it feels personal that they changed their policy, like it's just to keep us from struggling in the narrow hallway, which was awkward. I find it so challenging to negotiate with Marchling. There's no incentive that I can think of, he's not persuaded by stuffies wearing masks, friends and family members wearing masks, he's not interested in food or toy rewards. All he wants is cuddles and that's not helpful when I'm trying to drop off and get out of there. Lingering definitely made the problem worse.

I honestly don't know how the other parents bargain with their 2-year and 3-year olds. How do they ALL behave so well and we're the only ones who can't seem to get with the program? Sigh... parent-teacher conference is Dec 2nd (two weeks from now) so maybe that will shed some light on these issues we're having. I'm exhausted.

I tried discussing masking in the car. I think I need to start talking about it more and just start him wearing it sooner. What ultimately worked was to reward him with a surprise car.

Mike does pick up and he says half the kids are running around indoors without masks in the afternoon. I just hate that drop off is already so traumatic. Like, who cries at pick up? nobody. Who cries at drop off? many of them. Then to make the mask a thing that happens when we say goodbye to mommy... I just hate it.

Yeah, I had hoped it would prevent the spread of colds, but kiddo has been sick twice this semester so it's not like it's completely preventing the spread of diseases. It almost seems like a test that I'm failing, but that's probably just my insecurity as a FTM. We don't do punishment like time outs and such. My kiddo is generally happy and agreeable and so sweet. This mask thing is like WHY is this the hill we need to die on?

11/21 - Kiddo loves sour cream dip. I asked him last night what he wanted for dinner and he said "dip" and did a hand gesture like dipping a chip. It was so cute. At daycare dropoff this morning, it sounded like he said "love you" and did an open arms gesture. Kind of like blowing a big kiss. We're still speech delayed and the only word we hear regularly is "car" so it's always a milestone when we hear other sounds.

How is weaning going? Update

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2022 http://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2022/09/how-is-weaning-going.html (previous post)

Wed, Sept 21, 2022 This is the day I hurt my back? I stopped carrying my son around and also stopped working out. This kind of sent me into a spiral of depression (understandably).

Monday, October 3, 2022 9:28 AM I received my first Fall paycheck and there is an error. I did not see SCI 100 on my appointment letter (attached) and I have not been paid for teaching it. I was paid $900. less than I was expecting this month.

Tuesday, October 4, 2022 4:06 PM I don’t think I’ll be teaching SCI 100 again. I’ve been doing it every semester since 2016 and it’s been nothing but trouble. The whole experience has lost its luster.

Wednesday, October 5, 2022 10:04 AM I was doing a bit of soul searching last night and I considered that maybe everything is tough right now because I'm weaning my son. I know that can cause some sadness as hormones rebalance. Maybe it's just that. I'm looking into it. Also trying to not make any major life decisions during this time of transition that I might regret later.

Thursday, Oct 6, 2022 started taking EZ Melts B12 as Methylcobalamin, 2,500 mcg, Sublingual Vitamins, Vegan, Zero Sugar, Natural Cherry Flavor, 90 Fast Dissolve Tablets

Friday, October 7, 2022 Visiting the Chiropractor.

Oct 11

Oct 17

Oct 21

Oct 28

Saturday, October 8, 2022 Teacher gratitude mugs delivered.

Oct 12 bought flowers.

Oct 15 assembled gratitude bouquets with candy.

Oct 16 carved pumpkins.

Tuesday, November 1, 2022, at 08:55 AM I was having a bad week when I said I didn’t want to teach SCI 100 anymore. I’m feeling better now.

Thursday, November 3, 2022, My period started just a bit of spotting.

Friday, November 4, 2022, I had an extremely heavy period. Bled through my underwear and pants even though wearing a tampon. It was on par with the blood flow after my son was born. I was so unprepared. I had thought it would be painful with cramps but it was just stealth and lots of blood. I had to go buy adult diapers and heavy flow pads. It was nuts.

Sunday, November 6, 2022 I feel dizzy getting in and out of bed. I was scared to walk downstairs because I had such bad vertigo.

Wednesday, November 9, 2022 I fell into bed literally because I was so dizzy. Turns out feeling dizzy is also a symptom of weaning. Props to DH for suggesting it. A light Google search confirms.

All this stuff is related. Guess I need to start reading https://www.amazon.com/How-Weaning-Happens-Diane-Bengson/dp/0912500549 

December 2021 thoughts

12/3 - Tried oatmeal today, toddler did not enjoy. Hey, they serve it at daycare and it's easy to make so I thought it was worth a shot. He is good with utensils and can self feed stuff like applesauce, cottage cheese, chia pudding.

The other day my husband asked me, "what's wrong with your face? Is that a rash?" Ummm no. It's "I have a busy toddler, I don't get to shower often enough, my hormones have been jacked up since giving birth and I haven't had the time or money to correct my skincare." Am I wrong?

I just dropped another wad of cash on a baby carrier. Anyone else into Toddler carrying? It's like I'm addicted to buying this stuff. I can't stop myself from thinking about it. I used an Ergo and a Lillebaby SSC until my kid didn't fit. His upper half of his torso was above the top of the panel so he was at risk of falling out. I got the baby Ergo for free and the baby Lille on sale for $37. I got a ring sling for $40.

Fast forward to now. I got a Wildbird double-linen sling for $95 around LO's 1st birthday. I got a toddler Lenny Lamb SSC for $50 the following month. I got a toddler Tula SSC in October for $85. And now a toddler Lillebaby SSC for $75. I justify it because we still breastfeed. My kid likes being worn. It's a good core workout for me. And I will pass along the baby carriers more willingly when I know I have the Toddler-sized replacements. Maybe I'm just trying to hold on to the snuggles for as long as possible knowing I will never have a 2nd baby.

I would love to continue using the baby sized Ergo but my kid is strangely tall. I'm not tall. I wear him while working out sometimes so I need him to be seated comfortably and deeply. I do this to be strong enough to wear him hiking. I got Deuter and Kelty hiking backpacks. To be fair, I live in Los Angeles and we have several huge consignment sales as well as an active Facebook marketplace so I get lots of things used. Like 20-50% of full price (50-80% off). And I also feel like the pandemic caused me to spend on things instead of experiences. Because for so long, we weren't allowed to go anywhere or see anyone.

I got to go to a babywearing meet-up (the 1st in-person since the start of the pandemic). It was so good to reconnect with the babywearing educator who fit us for our first Lille carrier when I was still pregnant in Jan 2020. The fit-check reassured me that my kid is in need of the Toddler-sized carrier. He wears 3T clothes and size 8 shoes now.

The tip I got was to tighten up the shoulder straps on the top when back-carrying, then let them out if kiddo is eating in front. There's an adjustment on Toddler carriers that doesn't exist on baby ones and it was a mystery to me when I transitioned. Not sure if that is clear. It's on top of the shoulder pad, not in your armpit.

Being a working mom is like trying to run up a hill with a parachute and bungee cords wrapped around you. I keep trying to get up that hill, despite all the forces acting against me. And I have to repeat this insanity day after day, week after week. But with modifications! And optimization!

I was induced on my due date. Ended up with so many interventions and an unplanned C-section. Make sure you have VERY patient support people. My mom was with me and she thought it would be a 4-hour process. My husband as well. After 22-hours I wanted to toss both of those bozos out the window and labor alone. Also my OB was MIA. There were lots of stressful factors. In the end I felt like I gave up. Wish I had hired a doula.

12/7 - Remember when we thought if we got vaccinated we wouldn't have to wear masks? haha. I wish that were true. I wish my LO could be vaccinated against COVID-19. I'm going back to in-person teaching for all my classes next semester which means I'll be lecturing to a group of ~80 people while wearing a mask. And LO will turn 2 and he'll have to start wearing a mask in public. This is the pandemic that keeps giving. I know decades from now, we will look back on this time and it will seem brief, but for right now it is dragging on.

I explain infertility to people like going through puberty again. I can't know exactly what it was like for anyone else, of course. I think I stayed on progesterone for the first 10 weeks after my FET. I still have extra syringes and hormones stashed in my closet that I need to figure out how to safely dispose of.

For me, my son was born March 2020. We retrieved 14 eggs that became 4 embryos that were PGS tested, 1 euploid, 1 FET and that's our kiddo. I think I was so traumatized by infertility that I didn't really prepare for parenthood. I took 10 weeks of birth classes, infant CPR, breastfeeding class and a hospital L&D tour but also I thought there was a possibility that I would not end up with a live baby.

So I wasn't planning to formula feed or breastfeed. Luckily my BFF sent me a box with a ton of bottles, nipples, lids, tubing, valves, pacifiers, etc. I opened it one time before my son was born and had a tiny panic attack then closed it back up. Thankfully my mom stayed with us for 10 days around my son's birthday. She helped us get all set up with a bottle washing station and workflow.

I ended up with an unplanned C-section after laboring for 22 hours by induction at 40 weeks. The trauma of all that was something else and my son didn't latch for 7 weeks. If I has known I would still be breastfeeding at 21 months, I might never have started. The hospital insisted that we have several months supply of formula before they would discharge us. Maybe they were worried about COVID-related shortages or maybe they do that to everyone. I don't know.

If you have additional embryos, which I didn't, you may appreciate the freedom to do your next FET without having to wean. I support your decision to formula-feed and I wish you the best. Some days I wish my body was my own. Even though my kid can eat and drink other stuff, I am still responsible for night wake-ups and several times a day for 30 min daytime feeds. We nurse to sleep and cosleep for naps and bedtime.

12/9 - LO has an ear infection, but we got antibiotics at urgent care. Alternating Tylenol and Motrin to reduce fever and relieve pain. Last day of teaching for the semester. Amen.

12/10 - My mom says I created a monster by letting LO cosleep. I'm kinda anxious because I haven't had a great relationship with my mom. This baby (now toddler) has given us a common interest, so I don't tell her when stuff she says is hurtful.

I don't mind cosleeping. It's a great way to slow down and enjoy chill snuggles. Part of me is wanting to stand up for myself and my parenting choices, but the other part is like, who cares? It's not worth convincing / educating her because it's not like she's gonna have any more kids.

12/12 - Self-Care Sunday - I have one of those garden windows in my kitchen and I rearranged it to accommodate some real candles. It was nice to light them while preparing dinner, since it gets dark so early now. Like a mini-fireplace.

12/13 - Milestone Monday - New word: CoCo. As in CoComelon. New sound: hoot hoot. As in a train whistle. Adorable. 

One week away from the winter solstice and it shows. These days are so short! We decorated our stroller with battery-powered lights (Wheel Brightz) and we had to turn them on around 4:30pm on Saturday. LO is still sick so we're staying home and driving each other crazy.

12/15 - Wondering Wednesday. How to reduce weaponized incompetence in husband? Mine is driving me nuts! LO has been sick for two weeks, daycare won't take him, DH has caught LO's sickness and is acting like he's on death's door. I also have it but I'm doing childcare, meals, housework and my actual paid job.

These are the nights when LO and I are up coughing, we go into the guest bedroom so DH can get a good night's rest. I'm keeping up the medication schedule for LO around the clock. DH plays with LO and says, "my what long nails you have!" But then doesn’t cut them. This is just one example. Other things are snot sucking, diaper changes, meals for LO. Why am I the only parent doing these things?

I wish I had a partner with more energy. We fight constantly about me not sitting down for meals. I'm doing chores! Why does it take me 10 minutes to eat and DH takes 90 minutes? He can't help with things because he's "still eating" or insert other things he does slowly like showering, pooping or reading. Yes, I would like to read for fun. No, I don't have time.

DH doesn't really play with LO. When the 3 of us are home together, DH will be reading on his phone not interacting with LO. So kiddo starts bothering me or doing stuff he's not allowed to do just to get our attention. I can't work like this and I can't hire a babysitter when we're all sick.

I am NOT looking forward to Xmas at MILs because I know I'll be doing all the watching and DH will be relaxing with his family. TLDR: Send advice about training husband.

12/16 - Sometimes I miss the simple joy of tracking LO's sleep, feeds and diapers on Huckleberry. I had a really sweet 6 months with my newborn. It was such a rewarding feeling to get a nap in the sweet spot. I feel like toddlerhood has been kind of a sh*tshow. With daycare colds, one nap days and WFH it's been chaos. I'm looking forward to winter break. A month to rest, reset, play, organize, prioritize, and reconnect.

My spring schedule is tentatively two full (9 hour) days Tues/Thurs 8-5 and two short (2.5 hour) days Mon/Wed evening 5-7:30pm. Anyone want to weigh in on sending LO for 5 half-days or 3 full days? I don't know the price difference. I only know the price goes down when LO turns 2.

12/19 - Self-care Sunday. Meal prepped. 120 g or 170 g chicken per meal. Plus vegetable and a carb. Got more to make (beef and pasta and grilled cheese) but progress is progress.

I have learned over the past few months what encouraged us to eat at home and when we chose to get take-out (even when we had food at home). I haven't quite worked up the motivation to start logging in MyFitnessPal again, but I may.

We got a meal prep service once and it went so well the next week we reused their containers but made the food ourselves. DH suggested alternating like that to get us through to the end of the semester. The meal prep service makes 15 meals for $120. Alternatively you can buy cooked meat or vegetables by the pound, which is cheaper, between $60-80 depending on what you get. But it takes about 2 minutes to buy and less than 30 minutes to pickup.

Before we were doing Mashup Mom which is $65 per week at ALDI. You buy everything, but some items are pre-sliced, pre-washed, etc. It takes about 5 hours to cook everything. Let's say 1 hour for shopping and hauling groceries. But eliminates the time for planning and making a shopping list. And the recipes are different each week. And they are planned so you use everything with no waste.

Then when you want to eat, just turn out the container onto a plate and microwave 2 minutes. I don't put anything in the freezer except burritos. We do breakfast burritos with eggs, cheese and a hash brown patty. We also do meat, beans, cheese and sometimes rice burritos. Sometimes we get the eggs pre-made from our meal prep service. Sometimes we get the rice and meat premade from a grocery store deli.

Mashup mom is designed for you to cook every day but I prefer to do it all on Sunday because dirtying dishes and washing all them and cleaning the kitchen makes me feel ready for the week. It is designed to feed a family of 4. Sometimes we have to throw out what we don’t eat. Since we are a family of 3. Kiddo is a super picky eater so maybe if your LO is more adventurous, you might be able to just offer them what you make for the adults.

Mashup Mom (https://www.mashupmom.com/) is free. Our meal prep service is called Fitlicious (https://fitliciousmealprep.com/) and it's a local business. They focus on food for gym rats, like bodybuilding, so you might be able to find something like that in your area if you start looking at a gym. [ The containers (http://50-Pack Meal Prep Plastic Microwavable Food Containers For Meal Prepping With Lids 28 oz. 1 Compartment Black Rectangular Reusable Storage Lunch Boxes -BPA-Free Food Grade -Freezer & Dishwasher Safe https://www.amazon.com/dp/B079M174TQ/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_g_VSDFXBZ21JHEG5H0EFYD) you could get from Amazon. They stack really small when you aren't using them and become pretty compact in the fridge. I use a kitchen scale to weigh the meat.

Trying to clear clutter since MIL and BIL are coming here mid-week to celebrate DH's birthday. Praying we are all healthy by then.

12/20 - Milestone Monday! New phrase: my doggie.

12/21 - Bought cheese fondue for DH's birthday. He's too sick to eat. Went for a COVID test and now we wait. Birthday party canceled.

Me (falling asleep last night): my new years resolution is to spend less money. No more toys. No more clothes.

Me (waking up this morning): I deserve a spa day because my bathtub is too small for a proper soak. I better get LO a Hanna Andersson pj in the next size up. I want to go to Disneyland with LO and DH. I want to go to IKEA and buy more stuff to organize the house. 🤣

12/24 - Holy crap. Is it almost Christmas? LO started running a fever on Dec 3rd and he has been sick since then. It's like the entire month of December didn't happen. DH and myself have been sick too. Every time I think we're getting better, we get worse again. DH tested negative for COVID but we have been staying home anyway. SIL and MIL are sick too (independently of us) so our family Christmas get-together has been tentatively rebranded as a new year party. Fingers crossed that we are all well by the middle of next week.

I am legitimately running out of ideas for activities. When I'm feeling well, I pride myself on my programming. I plan lots of things to do to keep the family busy and not bored and bickering. But I'm not feeling very energetic and I am happy our LO seems to be getting his energy back. But he is ahead of DH and myself. We got this from daycare so LO had it first. It's hard seeing the family lacking stuff to do but I just can't right now. And it's raining outside.

12/25 - We walked a couple miles in Anaheim. Passed through Downtown Disney. It was in between rain storms so there were very few people. Went to SIL's and played with wooden blocks for 4 hours. LO took a sling nap and then woke up hangry. We made some noodles to go and let kiddo eat on the way home. All in all, it was 1000x better than I imagined.

Oh that wonderful moment when family members asked if we're going to have another child... we explained why not. Then they asked why we can't just have one "the natural way." Then they asked why we don't want to go through IVF again. It's understandable that they want to ask these questions, but so painful for me to answer. 💔

12/26 - This holiday my SIL said the ring sling was smart, as opposed to Thanksgiving when MIL called my SSC, "that contraption." We will see MIL for a NYE or New Year's Day event, so there's still a possibility of hostility, but yesterday we had a lot of fun with SIL and LO's cousins who are 18 and 20 years old.

Trying to decide what to do today. LO was up at 4am because he fell asleep last night at 6pm. I've already made strawberry Jell-O and chocolate Jell-O pudding, breakfast, and a load of laundry is in the wash. Usually we pickup our meal prep service OR do grocery shopping and a week's worth of cooking. Strange that DH doesn't want to cook today. I guess we are just getting over being sick.

Trying to decide if it's worth it to drive 1h to the beach for a walk, stroll or bike ride. We have a cargo bike that I am in love with. But the weather is cold and it might rain. And we could do a walk, stroll or bike ride in our neighborhood without the 1h drive.

12/27 - Counting. When moving stuff from one area to another he counts in an exaggerated slow sing-song voice. He's not saying actual numbers but the intent is there. Same for doing laps across the house. He lines up. Looks to us. Barks a countdown like 3-2-1-go and then starts running. Then he turns around, does the countdown and runs back. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Just noticed this last night during a zoom call. LO was showing off for his grandparents.

12/31 - Two nightmares last night. 1st was going somewhere with a group and having to keep everyone together. It was five adults but I kept losing everyone. Why was it my responsibility to keep track of these other adults? No idea, but probably I was carrying residual stress from going to the science museum with DH and LO yesterday. 

2nd dream, I was attending a conference. Giving a talk. Wrangling luggage. Had LO with me. Couldn't do everything. Couldn't check in to hotel, couldn't find the room for my talk. Kept dropping stuff. Not enough hands. Stuff was heavy. Didn't have slides prepared. No babysitter. Clock was counting down until my presentation time. Thought I could still make it. Missed my talk. Time ran out. So stressful.

It may not seem baby-related but I think it was. Tomorrow we will see MIL and SIL even though FIL has COVID. I don't understand this. DH says if we get it, we'll be healthy by the time classes start on Jan 24th. I'm so conflicted. I just found out 1 hour ago. Kinda freaking out.

We have been staying home since Dec 8th. To be healthy for Christmas. But FIL was sick on Christmas so we didn't see them. This is a do-over. But I have no actual medical assurance that FIL is healthy. They are vaccinated but not boosted. I don't believe a negative COVID test has been done. He was positive on 12/26 but is "feeling better" now.

Thank goodness we modified our get together to a walk outside. No dining. No indoors.

Mom hack: Johnson's Baby Shampoo is a pretty good face wash.