Have I done enough to build muscle and bone, to slow the gradual progression into middle age? Is high cholesterol going to kill me? Is it related to perimopause? Should I be on a cycle synching diet? Am I doomed to gain and lose the same 70 pounds over and over each decade of my adult life? Was there ever any hormonal reason for my infertility?
Why are all the female characters in Taylor Sheridan's dramas totally psycho and sex-crazed? Is that really how men see us? Or is that how they want us to be? Are they powerful because of their sex-appeal or are the sex scenes just there to keep you engaged in a storyline that is littered with foul language?
At what point do you take away a child's access to the world wide web? How far can you go with gentle parenting until you don't punish your child at all? How can a child comprehend boundaries if they never have a consequence of crossing the boundaries? How many miles can a child walk before it damages their growth plates? How can I teach my child to make friends on the playground when I don't even want to?
How many more training runs can I do before my toenails fall off? No wonder I can't sleep. I am seriously worrying about a ton of crap. This is the stress of the default parent. I managed the holiday magic. I went to the things. I finished up my work. I made the lists and checked them twice. Are holiday cards obsolete? Are cards just clutter? Are our family photos someone else's junk mail? Are we trying too hard to shove our cute little ones in other people's faces? What's the point if you don't feel a sense of connection?
How many miles are on my last pair of shoes? If I just broke out a new pair, will they last me until the marathon? When will my chiropractor be healed from his hip surgery? Why didn't I ask for a referral to someone else in the meantime? When can I get a massage? How can we afford all the repairs from getting out car fixed? Should we just buy a new car now?
And let's not even go too far down the rabbit hole of the next 4 years. By the end of it, my son will be almost 9 years old. What do I remember about being 9? Not much. I guess I was a big sister. My siblings would have been 3 and 1 year old. Yep, definitely don't remember this time at all. My parents were probably just barely surviving themselves.
I remember wanting to be the good girl. Wanting to be helpful. Wanting to avoid drama. Wanting to fit in. Wanting to have less scarcity. Resenting my dog. Actually really hating the dog. Why? Why does my son take out his aggression on his stuffed animals? Why do parents take out their aggression on their children? Because it's easy, right? And there's a pecking order. That's nature.
I feel like I can't calm down sometimes. I feel like I'm doing some of this work alone. Parenting work. I feel like my husband is doing the minimum and feeling like he's doing so much. I feel like he chides me for spending money on stuff but then hides his spending on his stuff. Like yeah running is a fun hobby but also it's for my health. Do I need a sparkly outfit for race day? No. But do new running shoes protect me from injury? Yes. Some sports bras give chafe and I'm still trying to figure out how to avoid that.
No I'm not a medical doctor. No I don't want a mammogram. There are tests that I would like to run on myself but they have to be ordered by a doctor and the last time I asked for this person's help with checking my hormone levels, they didn't help me with that. I wish there were a fairy godmother for health stuff. Someone who would walk you through the right steps to get the outcome you are hoping for. I guess for me that would be a peaceful home life with less mom rage and a healthy body that is not going to be ravaged by inflammation, cancer, or osteoporosis. I want to have peaceful, healthy relationships with my family members and work collegues. I want to be a part of my community and uplift others. I want to finish this marathon and see how I feel after that. I know reaching one's goal in life doesn't automatically make you happy. It is more important that you see yourself in a positive light every day, all through the journey, regardless of how you look or feel every day. I try to squeeze in my self-care in 5-min increments. Just a little here and there. Not too much late night doom scrolling. But some nights, like tonight, I wonder if I'm enough. When we pack up all the twinkle and sparkle of Christmas, what's left?? My son is planning the days around his desire to shop for mystery cars at Target. He wants to go there every day for the rest of his winter break and collect as many as he can find or carry. He also wants a Transformer Barbie House for Christmas and I have no idea what that is or if it even exists. I did not buy it buy it buy it.
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