Clifton Strengths

I took the CliftonStrengths assessment and out of 34 possible strengths, I got a coaching session based on my top 5.

Achiever

Activator

Significance

Strategic

Woo

Achiever is under the broad category of Executing. People exceptionally talented in the Achiever theme work hard and possess a great deal of stamina. They take immense satisfaction in being busy and productive. I like making lists and getting things done. I can persevere in tasks even if they require a great deal of focus and time.

I have 3 strengths in the influencing theme: Activator, Significance, and Woo. Activators make things happen by turning thoughts into action. In a group, I tend to "zone out" when people are talking about ideas but then "lean in" when they get to the action part. I contribute ideas for what to do when a group has identified a cause or issue that they want to pursue.

The Significance strength is found in people who want to make a big impact. They are independent and prioritize projects based on how much influence they will have on their organization or people around them. I use my status to help bring attention to issues effecting my community. My title and previous awards can bring more resources to my organization.

People exceptionally talented in the Woo theme love the challenge of meeting new people and winning them over. They derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection with someone. Woo is also an acronym for "winning over others." Wooers tend to have lots of contacts who they know at a superficial level. I realized later in life that I can hold back in social situations because I am too concerned about whether people will like me.

Strategic falls under the theme of strategic thinking. People exceptionally talented in the Strategic theme create alternative ways to proceed. Faced with any given scenario, they can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues. This is a skill I acquired later in life by taking adventures in Los Angeles without a car. Learning to be flexible in travel plans has taught me to be flexible in other areas of my life.

One concern I had is that these strengths are what I cultivated in my professional life and helped advance my career. I don't know whether they will help me be a better parent. Maybe becoming a mom will shift my strengths from these top 5 to a new set. My friend encouraged me to take the assessment again thinking only about momming. I just don't feel like I have my mom identity just yet. She said it's early days yet, like halfway through freshman year. There's still time to find myself in this new role.

Postpartum Part 7: pandemic

Watching the boy scouts live camp-in, we heard some advice from NASA astronaut Doug Wheelock. He said that this global pandemic is a unique moment in history and a time to write. They also suggested burying a time capsule. We tried to complete a virtual 5k walk/run/hike but I only got 2 miles walking back and forth in our house. I did set up the tent and make s'mores in the toaster oven.

Wildlife report! Fauna: hare, monkey, elephant, lion, bear, mole. Flora: aloe, dracaena, pothos. Candle = campfire. 🔥 #CampIn #ScoutingAtHome pic.twitter.com/ZCJi5GDzz7

— Dr. Kayla A. Kaiser (@hamerk02) May 3, 2020

We can't get Lysol wipes, antibacterial handsoap, alcohol-based hand sanitizer, Chlorox bleach, Dawn dishsoap or Dial bar soap with antibacterial ingredients. The only time I really thought this would be a problem is when I was recovering from my surgery and I was supposed to wash my incision. Our president told people that injecting bleach could combat coronavirus. These are the times we are living in.

I can say no. I will say no. My hope is that I can enjoy the remainder of my maternity leave in peace, regardless of the fact that the country is reopening. My in-laws seem to think that the coronavirus is a hoax, social distancing is unnecessary, masks are a joke and that the country needs to reopen immediately. Already my son's cousin has met up with friends at the beach and had a keg party at his house, so we know they aren't quarantining anymore. They are big fans of Disneyland and I'm sure they'll be among the first to go there when it reopens.

Dear MIL is pushing for us to spend her birthday weekend in Ventura the first weekend in June and possibly take a boat to hike the Channel Islands. While this sounds great in theory, I don't know if I would be able to enjoy it. The next big thing is dear SIL is turning 50 and I am turning 40 in July. I don't want anything. I had seriously forgotten about it until MIL reminded me this weekend. I just want to snuggle with my baby and that's the greatest gift. MIL wants to throw a party for me and SIL, which would mean a big stressful family gathering. Not interested.

I told dear husband that I will be saying no to any and all travel until school starts up again in August. If someone wants to visit with Albert, they are welcome to come here. Traveling was too stressful. I have stated it twice now, and neither time did he repeat back to me what I had said, so I have a feeling that he didn't hear me. I was hoping he would repeat it back to me, but he said that he didn't want to talk about that subject any further so I left it at that.

I think a big struggle is that some people are quarantining hard and other people are less strict. Those who are quarantining hard are bragging about it because it's difficult and requires mindfulness. Those who are more loosely following the guidelines probably don't talk about it. But people who are fearful are getting very bent out of shape when they see someone not wearing a mask. This is leading to violence, which is understandable since people are ferociously protecting their family members, including children.

I use the affirmation "I am healthy, I am safe" and extend that to include my baby and my family. I was very tearful on Friday, leaving my house and seeing the signs on the freeway saying "Avoid gatherings, stay home, beat COVID-19" but knowing that we were taking yet another unnecessary trip to see family.

Fertility Part 5

Today is the day before we meet with our doctor to get the results of the PGS testing. It's been a really tough week, mostly mentally. I went back to work on Monday, March 25th and hit the teaching game hard. I felt mostly normal.

Saturday, March 23rd (4th day after egg retrieval) was the worst day of the whole experience so far. I was still in pain (taking Extra Strength Tylenol) but had no clean clothes. I couldn't lift over 10 pounds, but I knew the housework needed to get done. I did a lot of bending and twisting and picking up and sorting the clothes one by one, not lifting too much weight at any one time. Then something terrible happened. It was like a lightning bolt.

I started sobbing a little bit. I asked my husband to start doing the laundry, and he didn't do it right away. I was so mad that I couldn't do it myself and I was so mad at him for not responding to my request immediately, I started spiraling out of control. The tiny sobs gave way to bigger ones. Soon I was howling, and I couldn't catch my breath. Tears were streaming down my face.

My husband said, why don't you go upstairs and do some grading? Let me take care of the laundry, and you go do something that you can do. Instead of taking this advice as a comforting thought, I felt like it was an attempt to placate me and get me to stop wallowing in self-pity. But then the self-pity really sank in. To the core of my body.

I went to lay in my bed and had a full-blown meltdown. I started thinking that I'm not a good person and that's why we haven't had any luck conceiving naturally. I thought I'm too mean and not a nice person and that's why we couldn't make a baby. I had all the fears about what if (IVF) doesn't work. I felt like I wanted to die.

Luckily, dear husband came upstairs and comforted me by saying things like, that's not true. It will be fine. You are a nice person. We'll get through this. This is your body's reaction to the hormones. You're detoxing from the first half of your cycle (which was extreme) so you're having an extreme second half of your cycle now. This is all part of the process.

I thought by Friday, March 22nd we would be done with the worst of it because that was the 5th day after the trigger shot. I thought after that, we'd be in the clear for OHSS. However, I did feel some bloating on Monday, March 25th, which was 8 days after the trigger shot. By Tuesday, March 26th though, I felt good enough to wear jeans. On Wednesday, I even felt downright slim. I haven't taken any pain medication all week.

What's got me down today is that we know we only have 4 frozen embryos. Out of the 14 harvested eggs, 12 were mature, 11 fertilized, 7 arrested. I'm terrified that we'll have zero "normal" embryos. We've already decided NOT to go through another round of egg retrieval. Of the two of us, dear husband is the optimist. I've never been optimistic about this. Knowing the odds are about 2/3 successful and 1/3 unsuccessful, I have been cautious about how much I can emotionally invest in believing that we will be successful. There's a part of my heart that is broken for the arrested embryos. I feel like they died.

On that depressing note, I'm starting to see why there are so many t-shirts and mugs with the phrase "Positive Vibes Only" when you start looking for "fertility gifts." I've been trying to stay positive and stick to the 25% protein and less than 40% carb diet. I have really enjoyed "light walking" instead of the high-intensity interval training (HIIT) I was doing before this process. And now I'm just waiting for Day 28, for a normal period of menstruation to begin.

Fertility Part 4

The 35 hours between the "trigger shot" and egg retrieval were awkward to say the least. I felt like I had a bunch of grapes in my pelvis. I had to walk slowly, I avoided bumping up against counter tops, I wore maternity leggings (no waistband). It was difficult to sit comfortably. I was getting some aches and pains in my back and my legs. Dear husband took Monday, March 18th off of work to be available for all my needs so that I wouldn't be tempted to do much. I did hard-boil 24 eggs, but that's about it. He did all the lifting when water needed to be poured out.

The image below shows like some kind of female anatomy. I don't like to use the word "average" so let's say that this image depicts one woman's body. Many times when I went for transvaginal ultrasound, the doctor could see one of my ovaries but not the other. Four times out of five he had to use an ultrasound on the outside of my body. So I don't know how exactly they went in to retrieve my eggs, but he mentioned that they may have to do it from outside my body. I don't know if it's all my belly fat that caused my ovaries to be in a different place, because my hips and waistline surely don't resemble the image below.

The day of the operation, Tuesday, March 19th, I was feeling good and ready to get those eggs out. We woke up at 4am to arrive at the doctor by 6am for a 6:30am check-in time and 7:30am procedure. We met a nice woman in the waiting room that told us her daughter-in-law was having egg retrieval and her son was having his sperm removed surgically. I think that made my husband feel better about being able to release naturally.

Everything about the procedure was easy, I was given several medications to calm me down and knock me out (propofol) when I woke up they brought my husband in. They told us the good news, 14 eggs were retrieved. They wheeled me out in a wheelchair and I went back home to recover in our La-Z-Boy recliner. We binge-watched Limitless on Netflix. We binge-watched Designated Survivor. I took all the 300-30 tylenol-codeine that they gave me on a 4-6 hour interval.

Dear husband got it in his mind that we definitely needed to get rid of our second car. He called up KPCC vehicle donation program and agreed on a pick up date of Thursday, March 21st. The auction company called me on Wednesday, March 20th to schedule a time (morning). They came by on Thursday, March 21st exactly on schedule and loaded 'bandito' up on the truck bed and drove it away. I'm not going to lie, I did cry a bit. Ok I sobbed. Let's blame the hormones.

End of an era #smartcar Smart was originally an acronym for ‘Swatch Mercedes Art’ #microcar #citylife #LosAngeles aka rollerskate aka bandito #lifegoals #BucketList https://t.co/sdNQiZlWz2

— Dr. Kayla A. Kaiser (@hamerk02) March 21, 2019

Wednesday, March 20th, dear husband went to work and left me home alone. I binge-watched The Order on Netflix. Thursday, March 21st dear husband went to work and left me home alone. I binge-watched The Big Family Cooking Showdown. I understand that he needs his space, but I definitely didn't hesitate to ask him to make me a protein shake for dessert. I was hard to watch him eat cupcakes after dinner, but at least the Whey protein is chocolate flavored.

A friend asked me what it felt like and I think it's like what liposuction must feel like. It was like I had been stabbed in the gut many times. Not a great feeling. The discharge papers suggested that it would feel like bloating or cramping and I disagree. It fully felt like I was healing from being stabbed. My weight didn't fluctuate, so I don't think I'm suffering from OHSS. Luckily, a friend told me "not gonna lie, egg retrieval hurts like a bitch" and she told me that was the worst part. So at least I was fairly warned.

I want to emphasize again that my experience will not be everyone's experience. Every woman reacts differently to these circumstances. Some women have said that Follistim, Menopur or whatever their doctors were giving them turned them into a crazy dragon lady. For me, it mellowed me out. In fact, I wouldn't mind feeling like that all day every day. Also, some people go back to work the day after retrieval and I don't think I could have done that. My job is strenuous on my body, I do a lot of running around, pivoting, lifting, drawing on the board, moving chairs around and I know I could not have done that 24 hours after egg retrieval. No way.

Gel Eye Mask

My symptoms included body aches (neck, lower back, backs of my legs) and headaches. These aren't too surprising to me since I get similar symptoms at different times in my cycle (ovulation and PMS). During the 35 hours between the "trigger shot" and egg retrieval, I used a frozen gel eye mask to get to sleep without taking medication. Sometimes I take Tylenol PM or Aleve and Benadryl when I have a bad headache that is preventing me from sleeping, but I was trying to avoid any additional medication so that it wouldn't interfere with the surgical anesthesia. I would definitely include a gel eye mask in an IVF gift basket if you are considering making one for a friend or family member.

Speaking of a family member... I acknowledge that this process is painful, but if I had to go through it again for one of my sisters -- I totally would. Today is my first day without 300-30 tylenol-codeine and I'm making due with 1000 mg tylenol. I took one dose at 5am when I woke up in pain and I just took a second dose now at 1pm. I'm not pain-free yet and it's hard to not lift and not exercise. But we proceed with a hopeful heart and a positive, grateful state of mind.

Without the Follistim and Menopur, I was a lot more restless and it wasn't as easy for me to fall asleep, so I can say that those medications genuinely did make me more tired. Or if not the medications, then what they were causing my body to do was making me tired. In fact, I wasn't able to work a full day on Thursday or Friday (March 14-15) which would have been DAY 8 and 9.

Wow, I've basically been writing all morning (for 4 hours) so it might be time for lunch and then time to do some actually work to prepare for Monday morning classes. The good news we got on Wednesday, March 20th was: out of the 14 eggs retrieved, 12 were mature enough to ICSI (inject with your Mike's sperm). Out of those 12 eggs, 11 fertilized normally. This is amazing! They are incubating now and growing (hopefully) to a day 5 blastocyst stage. I don't know if that day will fall on Saturday, Sunday or Monday (March 23, 24, 25) but we should get that news soon.

On day 5 or 6 after fertilization, the blastocysts will have some tissue removed for preimplantation genetic screening (PGS) testing. This is recommended due to age risk (maternal age over 36 years). This is not cheap $5000-6000 but it is complex enough to warrant doing. PGS testing involves fluorescence in situhybridization (FISH), array comparative genomic hybridization (aCGH), single-nucleotide polymorphism (SNP) arrays, multiplex quantitative PCR or next generation sequencing (NGS) to determine the chromosomal status of the embryo to facilitate selection of desired embryos for implantation. The results look simple but the testing procedure seems pretty complicated.

https://meetthehopefuls.com/2015/08/20/ivf-2-cycle-update-and-pgs-results/

So we await the news about how many of our embryos have grown to blastocyst stage. Then we'll have a 10-14 day wait until we get the PGS results back. That's OK with me since I kind of want to wait until my mid-May cycle to stimulate for embryo transfer (assuming we get at least 1 normal embryo).

Fertility Part 1

I've undergone a transformation such that I almost don't recognize myself. The priority for this year is above all, create human life. We're in the midst of fertility treatment.

I've written on this blog about fertility and advanced maternal age in the year 2012. It's hard to believe it's only 7 years later and we weren't trying to have a baby but we weren't trying not to have a baby and the time just flies by. I was a lot more self-involved 7 years ago. Now I think I spend more time genuinely thinking about other people. Being happy for them. Thinking of how I can be of service to others.

I wanted to write a post in February but that month is so short, it has already flown by. Mid-January we went to an informational session on the fertility treatments. Early-February we went to our first consultation appointment. The transvaginal ultrasound was uncomfortable but not painful. It reminded me to stay humble and not to be shy about letting a medical professional do their job. I went at the end of that week on a Friday to give blood for the Ovarian Assessment Report (OAR)™ and the results came back on Tuesday saying that I am borderline fertile/infertile and that there's a chance of recovering 5 eggs.

Dear husband went in the following week and gave his sample, which was tested according to Reprosource advance semen report (ASR). The clinic is giving us some special attention since we work in a chemistry building and are surrounded by chemicals all the time and have been for the past several decades. They called us this week and let us know that they would be using a microfluidic device for sperm sorting.

I've been watching this show on hoopla (free from the Los Angeles Public Library) called "The Baby Makers" and the cool part about it is that they show embryologists and how they manipulate individual sperm, a technique called Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI). One sperm is manually inserted into an egg using a small needle.

During Early-February we were given a laboratory requisition for infectious disease screening and genetics. I thought we had to take that to our primary care doctor and have that person order the tests in order for it to be billed through our insurance, but the primary care doctor said that we could have taken the requisition directly to LabCorp diagnostics.

I just created a login to browse my own test results, so cool! Everything is normal except my Vitamin D is "insufficient" but not a "deficiency." I guess I should be more regular with taking the Ca/Mg/VitD supplement. Or maybe just get a VitD supplement by itself.

So I guess the next step is to sign the papers for the loan.