I remember that

Menopause is worse than puberty because adults have already formed a stronger sense of self. Menopause changes you in profound ways, in your body, skin, fat, and brain. Probably skeleton too, just like puberty. But as a 13 year old, I was still forming my personality and identity, I was more malleable. I feel my adult self is being destroyed and re-formed by menopause, perhaps more profoundly than matrescence. I guess it's scary because I don't know what the final state will feel like or look like and I'm afraid it will be worse than the state I have been in for more than 30 years, the childbearing years.

It is interesting having this realization in the house I grew up in, the house I went through puberty in. The most valuable part of spending time with family has been reinforcing my childhood memories. Hearing a sister say, "I remember that," is so validating. I have a big fear of losing my grip on reality and having no memories. Like is my body already primed for dementia? Is it tied to the brain fog of motherhood and menopause? I have enjoyed reminiscing with my sisters this trip, sharing memories from our childhood, reinforcing things that happened as facts and not made-up fantasy from my silly failing brain. I feel like I'm grasping at a mist that can't be held but my sisters help me retell the story and reinforce it with concrete cinder blocks with rebar. Love those gals.

Running through Elmwood Park, Memorial Park, near the Keystone trail, through UNO and along Happy Hallow Blvd made me think moving to Omaha was a good idea.

hungry heart

I don't always get a chance to write when the spark of inspiration strikes. More often I get a moment of clarity and then my 3-year old starts screaming for something and my insight vanishes like a drop of water on the Arizona asphalt. But for now, I wanted to write about the bittersweet return to school. Academia as a career gives me a break every summer and winter. So I do get to step back from my job duties and into my stay at home mom (SAHM) fantasy.

This morning we went to the grocery store to fill the fridge with healthy stuff after it was clear that Hurricane Hilary was no longer a threat. We bought a few things to continue cooking our way through my Disneyland favorites cookbook. It's been such a wonderful summer project.

I got halfway through the things I wanted to sew and then my sewing machine locked up. I haven't been able to fix it myself so I just packed it up and promised myself I would come back to it later. Albert has enough clothes and I can hand sew the rest of the name tags in to his pants and t-shirts. I kind of like doing it by hand anyway. It feels more intentional.

This week we have faculty meetings. I spent the morning doing laundry, dishes, meal planning and doing stuff related to post hurricane. I dumped out all the standing water to prevent mosquitoes. I put the patio umbrellas back up. I re-hung the shade on our garden window.

Saturday night, when I realized we had to cancel our Disneyland plans, I was so sad, I cried myself to sleep. It wasn't just the trip though. It was the stress of the transition from summer to fall. Letting go of all the summer expectations and milestones and to-dos that didn't get done. We had an amazing summer, to be sure. But now it's over.

I listened to "The Retrievals" podcast and relived some of our IVF journey. I looked back at photos from the day we decided to do it, to the week we actually started treatment, to the months between retrieval and transfer, to the early middle and late months of pregnancy. We got rid of the leftover medical supplies this past weekend and it was so freeing. I made my husband help because I needed a witness and I felt like it shouldn't be just my burden. He was there for all the injections, so he should help with disposal of the leftovers. I needed a witness to help observe that the process of disposal was labyrinthine and impersonal and confusing. But for me it was a reminder that we needed help making our son, that he wasn't the direct product of lovemaking, but instead we required a ton of interventions. It was a lot to process actually.

We got a power hub for our Sactional on the 1-year anniversary of buying it. Got a wireless phone charger. Got two more Kitchenaid attachments: Citrus Juicer and Masticating Juicer. Made spinach and kale and apple juice at home. It was yummy and fun. Got a Sous Vide and the accessories. I loved the chicken and I am planning to try it with pork ribs tonight. We love and use our kitchen gadgets so much.

I titled this post Hungry Heart because it perfectly describes the angst I'm feeling right now. I want time and space away from my family but at the same time I crave intimacy with them. I guess that is why they call it "quality time" and why "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I think you can yearn for an idealistic memory of a place, person or experience. Sometimes, as we found at Disneyland, the real thing is crowded, uncomfortable, and stressful. I think that's how parenthood can be too. I feel touched out quite a bit and am somewhat able to tune out the whining, screaming, biting, hitting, throwing and kicking but not all of it. I don't think my kid has any behavioral problem, it's just typical 3-year old "big feelings" or when he is "overtired." But I know I'll miss him when I go back to work because he can be incredibly sweet too.

Our Big Family Vacation

 

We got a visit to Disneyland and Disney California Adventure in before school starts. Despite the issues with the Magic Key pass, we were able to get reservations on the days we wanted. The magical duo was great and the Genie+ was powerful and it was all over so suddenly!

We went down to Anaheim the day before our reservations at the park. We stayed at our "old faithful" La Quinta Inn & Suites. The room was $107 which is much cheaper than other hotels in the area. The joke was on us a bit when we realized the beds and the couch were very uncomfortable, the breakfast area was super crowded and the air conditioner was dripping a huge puddle of water all night. But we didn't let that stop us from having a great time.

PACKING LIST

Insulated Coolers

😇watermelon
😇strawberries
😙cottage cheese
😄peas
corn

grapes
🥰cucumber
🥰bell pepper
🥰plastic silverware incl knife
🥰reusable straw
🥰string cheese

BOB stroller

😄long-sleeved shirts

😄Glow sticks
😄Spray sunscreen
😄Water misting fan

😄40 oz Hydroflask

😄34 oz Ceres Chill

😄12 oz Toddler Tumbler

😄baby carrier

😄bubble fidget toy

😄Minnie ears

😄glasses lens cleaning cloth

Diaper change kit

🎃two diapers
🎃wipes
🎃poop bags

Pink backpack

😃hand sanitizing wipes

😀three fruit pouches
😄toy car
😃three hats
😃six masks
😄change of clothes
😄five diapers
apple
banana

clementines
granola bar

protein bar
😄goldfish crackers
😄cheerios
parm crisps
😉pretzels
😄Body glide
😃flour sack towel

binder clips
😀battery + cable
😂three pairs Goodr sunglasses

Mom & Dad

🩲underwear
🧦socks
😁walking shoes
🙄flip flops
😆yoga shorts
👖PJ pants and top
👚day tops
😜bras
😉toiletry bag
😃headphones
🤔swimsuit
🌍Tylenol/vitamins/medications/first aid
😛charging cable for versa 3

😄Roku  

Eye mask / Earplugs / Anti-snoring device

Albie

😁short outfits (3)
😁long pants (2)
😁pjs (2)
😁socks (4)

walking shoes (2)
🙄swimsuit / water shoes / swim diaper
😂wetbag for dirty laundry

Turns out the pool and jacuzzi at the hotel were under renovation, so we didn't get to use our swimsuits at all. Parking was $20 per day and we were able to leave the car there even after checkout time. We got early check-in which was great since we arrived 1.5 hours before 3pm.

The recharging station on the bedside table was great. It charged my phone and smartwatch very fast. I ended up using the glow sticks as a nightlight and it was genius.

We did bring a cooling fan and extra batteries. But unfortunately, the mist feature of the fan stopped working. It still worked as a fan though. We brought a few things for kiddo to play with in the room including a small car collection, some beads for stringing and some pom poms (that he didn't even need).

I didn't detail what was in the toiletry bag but here it was: toothbrush and toothpaste (kid and adult), dishsoap, shampoo & conditioner & hair gel and a comb, baby body wash, dental floss. Also deodorant, face wash, face lotion and vitamins.

We had a small pharmacy with us as well which included omeprazole, acetaminophen, DayQuil and NyQuil, immodium, cough drops, tweezers, baby tylenol, baby ibuprofen, booger drops, a snot sucker, alcohol wipes, liquid bandage, ear drops and chapstick.

The desk was a good height to use as a diaper changing station. I used two flour sack towels as a base and then put the diaper changing pad over the top. Pictured here is a "busy bag" that had also stickers and magnatiles (which we didn't use).

Nonperishable snacks were somewhat useful. But we did end up eating lots of sweet and salty things in the parks so we mostly ate these on the night before going in. Our favorite turned out to be Grandma's Peanut Butter Sandwich Creme Cookies. There were 12 in the package, great for sharing and paired well with decaf coffee.

I brought two juice boxes and six milks. I thought we would use the milk for coffee creamer, which is why I packed so many. Also my kid's pediatrician told us we need to offer him milk in a 6 oz serving three times per day, which is insane but this is how I do it.

I ended up putting those in the fridge so they could help keep other stuff cold in the coolers we took into the park. Our fridge in the room was so cold it actually froze most everything, which was good for some things but not good for the strawberries. My son won't eat them if they have turned mushy.

We have used these food portioning containers so much. It's the right size for bringing the chopped fresh or canned veggies and fruits. The larger containers take up more room in the cooler and they're all different sizes so you can't stack them. If all the containers are the same size, it's easier. We also like these reusable sandwich bags which I used to pack a bell pepper I didn't have time to cut up.

To get into our day at Disneyland, the Tom Sawyer / Pirate's Lair island was by far our favorite thing. The other stuff was all great and we eliminated waiting in lines using Genie+. We also got the epic family photo I wanted using PhotoPass and I'm super happy with how that all worked.

For our day at California Adventure, the Redwood Creek Challenge Trail was by far Albert's favorite thing. He got to run everywhere and even met Chip & Dale. For us adults, we ducked inside the Grand Californian hotel looking for a gift shop and ended up taking a very refreshing nap there on the couches in the lobby. There was a live pianist and a fireplace and it was just so perfect.

We did get to the Disney Junior Dance Party, which I missed on our last visit to DCA. We ended the day at Cars land, but we didn't stay until sunset to see the neon lights come on. So there's some magic that we can save for our next visit. We walked 7 miles per day for 3 days in a row and it was tiring and wonderful.

We did have one magic key pass, which allows you to get Genie+ for only $16 per day. The magic key pass was $399 for one person and since Albert is under 3 years old, he doesn't have to pay. Mike got in on a California Resident 3-day pass, which was $249. We can go another day since Mike didn't use his 3rd day. We asked at guest services what we can do if Mike wanted to upgrade his 3-day pass to a Magic Key pass, but it wasn't possible at this time. 

Mike had to pay $20 for his Genie+ pass, per day. If we rode separately using parent swap, we could have done this without two people having Genie+. If I had known that so many rides at DCA were not child-appropriate, and that the lightning lanes are for rides that have a height limit above Albert's height, I wouldn't have got Genie+ for DCA. But it was 100% worth it for Disneyland. I love our castle photo and I love the McQueen photo from DCA. Not wild about the Hollywoodland photo, but that's Okay. 

Genie+ allows unlimited downloads of your PhotoPass pictures from the Disneyland app. I had no trouble doing this and now we have a great picture to send to daycare with Albert of all three of us. If you don't have Genie+ then it costs $14.99 to download one photo. So even though we got only 1 great photo, we got 13 pretty good ones and I downloaded all of them.

We definitely spent less than $100 per day on food in the parks. I had a breakdown and spent $75 on Cars for Albert. Some of them are hidden so that we can use them as gifts or bribes for later on. I know we could have bought more stuff, but I'm happy with how we spent the money we spent. We weren't able to get reservations at the Magic Key terrace and I didn't get the popcorn bucket. I mean honestly it's kind of just plastic junk that would clutter up our house.

I don't know if we'll renew our magic key. Some part of me loves the nostalgia of childhood innocence. But another part of me sees Disney as a MAGA in disguise which reinforces stereotypes and allows white people to profit from cultural appropriation. And I can't shake the "happy ending" of every princess ending up married. Isn't that misogynistic and heteronormative? Hell yes I'm woke and PC. I'm just not 100% okay with letting my son see the world that way. Even though Daisy Duck is feisty.

Month of Mama part 5

This month has been busy in the best way. I'm having a TON of anxiety about the end of the academic year and a return to 24/7 time with kiddo. It's not that I don't want to be with my kid, I think it's just the stress of any transition comes with uncertainty and I put so much pressure on myself to do everything well. So grateful for Fit4Mom for providing me the scaffolding to frame my life around so that I can lean in to my community and not feel like all the programming is up to me.

F4M Mothers Day Mega Class

We had a super-fun mega class on Mother's Day weekend. There were a lot of swag items given out. Fit4Mom is planning a Fun Run this weekend instead of Strides 360. And we're doing a group trip to the Zoo on the last week of the month. The next Body Well session doesn't start until July so I will miss some of it. But I'll probably still sign-up for it anyway for the accountability. June will be a month to shape up and do a class (almost) every day.

End-Of-Year Celebration @ Daycare

It was our son's first graduation ceremony LOL. Actually just a party in his classroom with all the families of the children and then a reception with cookies outside on the patio. We got to see the toys he likes to play with. It was sad to think that he won't be seeing his friends every day. But we've planned some other activities to keep him socializing and learning.

Swim Lesson @ Water Wings

Kiddo had his first swim lesson which was awesome. What was not-so-awesome was that something fermented in our car and it smelled really bad and we localized it to the car seat so we had to take it out and take it apart and wash it and let it dry and put it back together and reinstall it in the car. Meanwhile, we had to go to a swim lesson on the bus which was totally fine, easy and fun. Kiddo really enjoyed it. It was good practice for our Disney trip and it gave me confidence to see how easy it was.

F4M Gather Meal Plan Week 1

I was totally on the Mashup Mom ALDI meal plan until kiddo started getting older and pickier. The Fit4Mom Gather meal plan was written by a mom of a 3-year old so the recipes are more little kid friendly. So far, the rainbow of foods has been really good, everything has been quick to prepare and tastes great. We took these 4-oz food portioning containers down to Disneyland and they were absolutely perfect for having grab-and-go healthy snacks throughout the day.

Train and Bus Adventure @ Disneyland

We had the most fun at Disneyland. As I told my mom, you're parenting no matter where you are. So whether you are stuck at home driving each other crazy or out there in the world trying to stay sane, it's all a day in the life of being a mom. Here are just a few of the many faces of Albert at Disneyland. He loved running free. Simple things like stealing my sunglasses and spotting Mickey mouse brought a big smile to his face. He loved Tom Sawyer's Island the most and had a very hard time leaving it. I had so many moments throughout the day where I thought, "this is what childhood is all about" just kids being kids and a whole huge park centered around imagination.

Coming soon: JUNE 11, 2022

Our next big adventure and pretty much the only thing I have on the calendar for June so far is going to be a fun run down in Carson near CSU Dominguez Hills. 

35 week check-in

I am 8 months post partum and I feel good enough to shuffle-run at Stroller Strides. On a good night, baby only wakes 3x. We're having lots of good nights lately. We got a hiking backpack carrier and a jogging stroller. We gifted some baby items to our neighbors to make room for the new items. Sad to see those items go, but also ready for my little boo boo to keep growing and becoming his own person. He is already playing more independently on the foam mat.

I have started taking collagen in my coffee. My husband calls it "antler juice." I feel hopelessly behind in my school work, but I feel I am pretty successfully managing the household. Sent my husband a grocery list from Mashup Mom and he loved it. So maybe we'll become ALDI fans and I can offload the task of meal planning.

We are planning two hikes in the next week and I am terrified of falling or just simply not being able to keep up. Hope we have good weather. Need to make a packing list.

Sent out Secret Santa gifts. Got my mom's gift all boxed and ready. Want to take some dorky holiday photos. Got out all holiday decorations including fake snow, fake candle, music box with ice skating penguin, tree skirt, snow globe, ornaments from the '80s and '90s. It feels nice to start some holiday traditions with the baby.