Summer bucket list

It's that time of year when the countdown to Back-to-School begins. We have just three weeks until Albert goes back to school (Kindergarten!). So I made a list of things that we might do. Some of these are things I had planned in advance, some of these we may not get to at this time but we'll come back to it later when we have more money and time.

beach
Zoo
Discovery Cube
San Fran
Central Library
Water slides
Playdates
Getty museum
Botanical garden
Dodger game
Drive-in movie
San Diego
Santa Barbara 

Shampoo rugs
Declutter tv stand in Queen suite
Declutter closet in Queen suite

Declutter close in King suite  
Declutter kitchen corner cabinet

Buy new fitted sheets for King and Queen

Make a visual race calendar for the family

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poverty or wealthy mindset?

The wealthy are minimalist. You can always buy another thing if you want it. Poverty is keeping everything you were ever given because you don't know if you could afford to replace it in the future.

The wealthy are eating higher-quality food because they can afford it. Poverty is eating a greater quantity of lower-quality food because your next meal isn't guaranteed.

MAHA won't work if we eliminate SNAP, WIC, and programs that offer housing security. It will drop those on the bubble between housed and unhoused, fed and unfed, educated and uneducated.

Who benefits from less access to education, safe housing, and healthy food? Certainly not our armed forces. Who will have the skills to keep our country safe from cyber terrorists if nobody learns how to code?

Playing on ignorance. Preying on people's fears. Stoking the fires of hatred, racism, misogyny, and xenophobia. It's the whole playbook. Keeping people in line. Locking people up. Silencing the opposition. Defunding initiatives that level the playing field. It's oppression 101.

Hoarding is a poverty mindset. Keeping literally everything. Extreme cheapskates. Finding joy in getting an extreme deal. Going to great lengths to do so. Willing to suffer in an extreme way to save a few pennies. You're not seeing the big picture. You'll never win in the long game. There is no clear path to transcend poverty and achieve the upper middle class. That is a myth.

Because your parents only taught you how to suffer and survive in a poverty mindset. You don't know how to function as a healthy, successful adult. You don't keep healthy, mature boundaries. It's okay, but you're passing that along to your child unless you can find a way to break the cycle.

As satisfying as it is to see all the No Kings protest signs... It would be even more satisfying to see Trump behind bars. And every day that the conservatives are in power gives me a feeling of dread because it's bad and getting worse.

Even though my pay is going to be cut soon, I'm trying to live my wealthy life by purging junk from our house. We have removed most of the books from our library. We got rid of the items in our kitchen that we no longer use. I want to do the garage and bedroom closets next.

Buy Nothing + Sip and Swap

Today we purged some items from our house and we had a party for all of my son's stuffed animals. Honestly I have no idea how these two things are related. Maybe just that kids grow up. 

It was the biggest compliment to me that my husband said the two greatest purchases we ever made on a scale of $5,000 is number one the down payment on our minivan which we absolutely love. And number two our Lovesac couch. What's funny is he doesn't even sit on that couch but he knows how much I love it. And this kind of brings tears to my eyes a little bit. Isn't that amazing when your family members find joy in seeing your joy? 

Today is the first day of June, the first day of "streaking with the cool kids." I had to drag my butt off the couch and walk this one mile. It helps to have a destination. A neighbor was giving away Keurig pods, which we use daily. And it's so funny because I never thought that I would turn into a Keurig person, but if I'm not mistaken we got this current model off of Buy Nothing.

Now on to the topic of a party for my son's stuffed animals, there's another thing I thought I would never do in my life. What's ironic is I was looking for an excuse to have a party or at least celebrate the end of the school year. It feels really major that my son has done a full year of transitional kindergarten. My goodness! At the beginning of the school year we had so many worries. Will he be able to communicate? Will he have a toilet accident? Will he eat at the cafeteria? Is he getting bullied too much?

All those worries and fears turned out to be no big deal. Yes, I am exhausted from the daily grind of getting to school at a certain time. When my son was in daycare, you could drop off anytime between 7:30 and 9:30. That's a 2-hour window, which seems huge now. When he transitioned to elementary school, the gates open at 7:40 and you have to be there by 8:00 or they lock the gate. Throw in the fact that we basically walk to school, bike to school, or take the stroller every day, which adds an additional layer of chaos that must be accounted for. But it was actually really great walking to school every day, it helped me keep my mileage up when I was training for the marathon. It's really good for streaking, almost no day is a zero-mileage day. 

But it just so happened that I was at Costco this week to buy hot dogs for my son's end-of-the-year celebration, and I just could not pass up a little charcuterie plate, a cheese tray, and an olive plate. Albert insisted that we invite our neighbors to his stuffed animal party. I didn't think anybody would come, but three families ended up coming. The Sarah's came over, and the Skolnik's. The kids played with their scooters, the wiggle cars, the water table. I got a chance to sweep out the garage and declutter some areas that were really bothering me. 

I want to try to carry this momentum forward throughout the next week. Look at what I have that I'm not using right now. Just ask myself, how many times have you used that in the last year? And if it's just taking up space in your house, see if anybody else wants it! It wasn't too difficult throwing all those books in the trash, honestly, we never really enjoyed them. It was a little bit hard giving some good literature to the Salvation Army. But again, these are books that we've collected over literally decades. And we haven't even gotten them out of the closet since we moved in. 

Yes, those books were part of why I fell in love with my husband, but not why I've stayed in love with him. Am I exhausted right now? Hell yeah! But I cannot say that I regret training for a marathon. A kind of helps you make your little excuses vanish like - poof - gone. There are a lot of things that seem easy compared to marathon training. It's possible we got rid of 60 grocery bags full of books this weekend. I don't know how many pounds we carried down the stairs, and out to the car, not to mention the books from John Anthony's storage unit we did last weekend. My husband was lying on the ground, saying he was sore all over. 

My crazy pack rat brain is like, now what are we going to put on those shelves now that they're empty. But maybe it's okay to just chill, breathe, and leave the shelves empty for a minute. I was watching some old videos from two or three years ago, and our house was so much emptier. And when we moved into these condos, we told ourselves, we're not going to fill this thing. We won't be those parents who hoard and hang on to every little thing. We are going to let go of toys. We're not going to let every bedroom fill up with crap. Honestly, that takes a lot of dedication and consistency. It's not necessarily about recovering the money you spent on those things. Negative space and being able to clean your space is also of some value. And I think for us, not that we're planning on moving soon, but when we do think about having to move, those books are like the number one thing hanging over our heads like a guillotine. We're like, ugh, moving those books would be so hard though. So it feels good that we just got rid of them.

What's great about Buy Nothing is the value associated with making connections to other folks in the community. We met some nice people at the Buy Nothing free sale. I love giving stuff to my Fit4Mom community at the sip & swap. I love seeing Albert's hand-me-downs on another little kiddo. Kids that I've known since they were born. And these moms have known Albert since he was born. It's the community we've always wanted. It's a shame that the pandemic drove a wedge into our connections, but somehow it feels like we're finally starting to overcome that separation. And now we're able to let go of the stuff that we acquired during the pandemic when it didn't feel safe to go to museums. We don't need to make our house like a museum.

Bye-bye books

running nightmare

I had my first (but probably not last) running nightmare last night. I was doing a half marathon with my friend who I used to run with in college. She was always stronger and faster than me. We got 4 miles into the race and for some reason I was running with all this baggage. Like a vest, a belt, a wagon filled with backpacks and stuff. So we had to stop because they forgot to sing the national anthem before we started. We all filled an auditorium and had to sit there for like 45 minutes while all our muscles were getting cold and we had to wait for the choir to arrive. I was complaining to my friend all these minutes.

So the choir finally gets up on stage and the announcer calls my friend to the stage to lead the song. I felt so bad for complaining because I didn't know it was going to be my friend up on stage. So then when it was over, I stayed around until everyone left because I was for some reason cleaning up the auditorium and waiting for my friend to say goodbye to all the singers. Then we finally got going and my friend says, hurry up we gotta get back out there before it starts raining. So we ran another mile and at a water stop my wagon fell apart. We were in another state from where I live, and apparently, I was not familiar with the course. My friend lives in Wisconsin.

So I tried to put the wagon back together but I didn't have the instructions. We saw a packing and shipping place where we could put the whole thing in a box and ship it back to my house, but the cost of doing that was more than the cost of the wagon. My friend goes, hurry up it's about to start raining. So I grabbed my raincoat, left my wagon at the shipping place and started running again. I asked my friend how we were going to meet up with her husband and kids after the race and she was like, I have no idea. I asked her, don't you use Strava beacon or have some way to track each other, she's like no.

We keep running and it starts raining so we put on our raincoats and then she goes, yeah it's about to get super hilly. And at that point I guess I had enough so I woke myself up. It was one of those dreams where it feels so real, when you wake up, you're not sure if you were really in Wisconsin. So far, we have decided NOT to do the Disneyland 5k in 2025 and I have registered for the LA Marathon. I think this is my brain's way of processing a worst-case scenario.

Our Big Family Vacation

 

We got a visit to Disneyland and Disney California Adventure in before school starts. Despite the issues with the Magic Key pass, we were able to get reservations on the days we wanted. The magical duo was great and the Genie+ was powerful and it was all over so suddenly!

We went down to Anaheim the day before our reservations at the park. We stayed at our "old faithful" La Quinta Inn & Suites. The room was $107 which is much cheaper than other hotels in the area. The joke was on us a bit when we realized the beds and the couch were very uncomfortable, the breakfast area was super crowded and the air conditioner was dripping a huge puddle of water all night. But we didn't let that stop us from having a great time.

PACKING LIST

Insulated Coolers

😇watermelon
😇strawberries
😙cottage cheese
😄peas
corn

grapes
🥰cucumber
🥰bell pepper
🥰plastic silverware incl knife
🥰reusable straw
🥰string cheese

BOB stroller

😄long-sleeved shirts

😄Glow sticks
😄Spray sunscreen
😄Water misting fan

😄40 oz Hydroflask

😄34 oz Ceres Chill

😄12 oz Toddler Tumbler

😄baby carrier

😄bubble fidget toy

😄Minnie ears

😄glasses lens cleaning cloth

Diaper change kit

🎃two diapers
🎃wipes
🎃poop bags

Pink backpack

😃hand sanitizing wipes

😀three fruit pouches
😄toy car
😃three hats
😃six masks
😄change of clothes
😄five diapers
apple
banana

clementines
granola bar

protein bar
😄goldfish crackers
😄cheerios
parm crisps
😉pretzels
😄Body glide
😃flour sack towel

binder clips
😀battery + cable
😂three pairs Goodr sunglasses

Mom & Dad

🩲underwear
🧦socks
😁walking shoes
🙄flip flops
😆yoga shorts
👖PJ pants and top
👚day tops
😜bras
😉toiletry bag
😃headphones
🤔swimsuit
🌍Tylenol/vitamins/medications/first aid
😛charging cable for versa 3

😄Roku  

Eye mask / Earplugs / Anti-snoring device

Albie

😁short outfits (3)
😁long pants (2)
😁pjs (2)
😁socks (4)

walking shoes (2)
🙄swimsuit / water shoes / swim diaper
😂wetbag for dirty laundry

Turns out the pool and jacuzzi at the hotel were under renovation, so we didn't get to use our swimsuits at all. Parking was $20 per day and we were able to leave the car there even after checkout time. We got early check-in which was great since we arrived 1.5 hours before 3pm.

The recharging station on the bedside table was great. It charged my phone and smartwatch very fast. I ended up using the glow sticks as a nightlight and it was genius.

We did bring a cooling fan and extra batteries. But unfortunately, the mist feature of the fan stopped working. It still worked as a fan though. We brought a few things for kiddo to play with in the room including a small car collection, some beads for stringing and some pom poms (that he didn't even need).

I didn't detail what was in the toiletry bag but here it was: toothbrush and toothpaste (kid and adult), dishsoap, shampoo & conditioner & hair gel and a comb, baby body wash, dental floss. Also deodorant, face wash, face lotion and vitamins.

We had a small pharmacy with us as well which included omeprazole, acetaminophen, DayQuil and NyQuil, immodium, cough drops, tweezers, baby tylenol, baby ibuprofen, booger drops, a snot sucker, alcohol wipes, liquid bandage, ear drops and chapstick.

The desk was a good height to use as a diaper changing station. I used two flour sack towels as a base and then put the diaper changing pad over the top. Pictured here is a "busy bag" that had also stickers and magnatiles (which we didn't use).

Nonperishable snacks were somewhat useful. But we did end up eating lots of sweet and salty things in the parks so we mostly ate these on the night before going in. Our favorite turned out to be Grandma's Peanut Butter Sandwich Creme Cookies. There were 12 in the package, great for sharing and paired well with decaf coffee.

I brought two juice boxes and six milks. I thought we would use the milk for coffee creamer, which is why I packed so many. Also my kid's pediatrician told us we need to offer him milk in a 6 oz serving three times per day, which is insane but this is how I do it.

I ended up putting those in the fridge so they could help keep other stuff cold in the coolers we took into the park. Our fridge in the room was so cold it actually froze most everything, which was good for some things but not good for the strawberries. My son won't eat them if they have turned mushy.

We have used these food portioning containers so much. It's the right size for bringing the chopped fresh or canned veggies and fruits. The larger containers take up more room in the cooler and they're all different sizes so you can't stack them. If all the containers are the same size, it's easier. We also like these reusable sandwich bags which I used to pack a bell pepper I didn't have time to cut up.

To get into our day at Disneyland, the Tom Sawyer / Pirate's Lair island was by far our favorite thing. The other stuff was all great and we eliminated waiting in lines using Genie+. We also got the epic family photo I wanted using PhotoPass and I'm super happy with how that all worked.

For our day at California Adventure, the Redwood Creek Challenge Trail was by far Albert's favorite thing. He got to run everywhere and even met Chip & Dale. For us adults, we ducked inside the Grand Californian hotel looking for a gift shop and ended up taking a very refreshing nap there on the couches in the lobby. There was a live pianist and a fireplace and it was just so perfect.

We did get to the Disney Junior Dance Party, which I missed on our last visit to DCA. We ended the day at Cars land, but we didn't stay until sunset to see the neon lights come on. So there's some magic that we can save for our next visit. We walked 7 miles per day for 3 days in a row and it was tiring and wonderful.

We did have one magic key pass, which allows you to get Genie+ for only $16 per day. The magic key pass was $399 for one person and since Albert is under 3 years old, he doesn't have to pay. Mike got in on a California Resident 3-day pass, which was $249. We can go another day since Mike didn't use his 3rd day. We asked at guest services what we can do if Mike wanted to upgrade his 3-day pass to a Magic Key pass, but it wasn't possible at this time. 

Mike had to pay $20 for his Genie+ pass, per day. If we rode separately using parent swap, we could have done this without two people having Genie+. If I had known that so many rides at DCA were not child-appropriate, and that the lightning lanes are for rides that have a height limit above Albert's height, I wouldn't have got Genie+ for DCA. But it was 100% worth it for Disneyland. I love our castle photo and I love the McQueen photo from DCA. Not wild about the Hollywoodland photo, but that's Okay. 

Genie+ allows unlimited downloads of your PhotoPass pictures from the Disneyland app. I had no trouble doing this and now we have a great picture to send to daycare with Albert of all three of us. If you don't have Genie+ then it costs $14.99 to download one photo. So even though we got only 1 great photo, we got 13 pretty good ones and I downloaded all of them.

We definitely spent less than $100 per day on food in the parks. I had a breakdown and spent $75 on Cars for Albert. Some of them are hidden so that we can use them as gifts or bribes for later on. I know we could have bought more stuff, but I'm happy with how we spent the money we spent. We weren't able to get reservations at the Magic Key terrace and I didn't get the popcorn bucket. I mean honestly it's kind of just plastic junk that would clutter up our house.

I don't know if we'll renew our magic key. Some part of me loves the nostalgia of childhood innocence. But another part of me sees Disney as a MAGA in disguise which reinforces stereotypes and allows white people to profit from cultural appropriation. And I can't shake the "happy ending" of every princess ending up married. Isn't that misogynistic and heteronormative? Hell yes I'm woke and PC. I'm just not 100% okay with letting my son see the world that way. Even though Daisy Duck is feisty.

May 2022 Thoughts

5/9 - I am having the WORST anxiety today. Thank goodness for deodorant and the Calm app. I just wanted to stay home with kiddo today. 1 week until school is over and we go to Disneyland.

5/13 - My sister is 7 weeks postpartum and I'm glad I got her a Mother's Day / birthday gift. 

5/14 - Got in the car today and it was mega stinky. Found some horrible goo in the cup holder of LO's carseat that got smeared everywhere. Smelled like vomit. Took the carseat apart and washed the pads. It was stressful putting it back together but I think it's all right now.

Had to take the bus to LO's first swim lesson which was actually pretty fun. So it all worked out but nap schedule was upset. Had to do baby spa time this evening to moisturize after the swimming pool. We don't routinely use lotion but kiddo was reaching inside his diaper and looking very uncomfortable.

Got an extra large patio umbrella in anticipation of outdoor time this summer. Heading to Disneyland on Monday. Packing and meal prepping tomorrow. Feeling optimistic about the end of the semester. Booked a spa day for DH and myself on LO's last day of daycare for the semester.

Selling on the consignment sale this time instead of buying. Want to reorganize a bit and declutter. With LO getting taller and using a chair to climb up higher, there are fewer and fewer safe places for junk to pile up.

5/18 - Our trip to Disneyland went awesome. If you want to read more, I wrote a detailed debrief here: http://bikecar101.blogspot.com/2022/05/metrolink-to-disneyland.html Kiddo was so good on the trains and buses. Now I feel more confident in planning for our 4 hour plane trip in July.

5/19 - Sometimes I feel like I spend my whole life refilling things.

5/21 - Sold some stuff at the consignment sale instead of buying. Volunteered to check and bag orders. It was humbling. Bagging was such hard work. Close quarters. Lonely. Heavy lifting. Sitting on the dirty floor. Bending over a low table. Honestly I have so much more respect for how it all works. My sales were $15 higher by doing a 3 hour volunteer shift. I sold 15 items for a take-home of $208. We have more room in our garage by getting rid of stuff. 

Now I have to list and move the remaining items that didn't sell via Buy Nothing. I am so grateful to the volunteers who have sorted and bagged my previous orders. I've shopped 8 consignment sales virtually. Before that it was pre-pandemic and I was still pregnant. On one hand it's amazing how we've all adapted to survive quarantine. But on the other hand, we missed out on so much.

LO had his 2nd swim lesson which he cried through the entire 30 minutes. But when I asked if he was ready to get dunked, he would say "yeah." I'm so in love with his determination.

We were given the recommendation from daycare to get kiddo assessed for speech therapy. I can't help but wonder if his speech delays are anything to do with COVID isolation. I don't want to admit that we need help. As an educator, I feel like I've failed. And also I just started watching Game of Thrones and *spoiler* on Season 1 Episode 5 there is a woman breastfeeding an 8 year old. I worry that my son doesn't talk because I try so often to keep him calm and quiet by breastfeeding.

The Latched Mama podcast had a story about picky eating and they mentioned that pandemic babies don't know how to behave in a restaurant and we are no exception. Some former students took us out for Korean BBQ. Granted they wanted to start eating at 7pm (LO's bedtime) and we didn't get a babysitter because of the pandemic we don't have one. Kiddo was a mess during the meal and we had to run out at 8:30 because it was such a shitshow. Huh. Whatayagonnado? Sorry this was such a ramble. Thanks for reading.

5/23 - Milestone Monday. Cute phrases like "I did it." And "thank you." The language is getting easier to understand. 

So helpful at the grocery store. Closes open doors. Climbs in and out of carseat in minivan. 

Fetches things by name. Will deliver food to parents. Will agree to diaper changes if wet.

5/25 - Kinda sad. Had a "pinning ceremony" on Zoom today. It was so anticlimactic. But it was fitting for the end of a hard year where we transitioned back to in-person instruction mid-Spring semester. All the Deans and Vice Provost were there but I couldn't see them since I was zooming from my phone. I was breastfeeding and babywearing during the ceremony and it just felt like the extension of what we survived during WFH and the maternity leave during a pandemic. The head of faculty development brought me to tears by saying outloud that the antiracist work we are doing matters and is one way we can keep the university a safe place to learn.  

LO was running a fever but I didn't realize it because our Air Conditioner was broken and I thought he was just hot. After the AC got fixed, during the Zoom ceremony, two grown men saw me all tits out behind the camera,  I took kiddo's temp and it was 100 deg F. This caused me to be a no-show at My Gym and it was supposed to be our first class and we have 2 weeks unlimited but now the dude is sick. 

Had a solo night out at the roller rink to celebrate this anticlimactic ceremony. It was good. The CSUN Oasis Wellness Center has some suggestions to unwind at the end of the semester. One of them was "soul date" which I Googled and turned up no hits. Maybe they meant solo. But I think Rainbow night at Moonlight is definitely a soul date.

5/28 - Kiddo threw up in the carseat today. So scary. I hate when he's behind me and I can't tell if he's breathing. Canceled swim lesson. 

On the bright side, now we are home to set out items for Buy Nothing to clear out the garage. Heading to Disney California Adventure on Tuesday. Hope kiddo is feeling better by then.

Another lingering effect of COVID... We still have to make reservations for things that used to not require reservations. For example annual pass holders for the LA Zoo still have to have BOTH a ticket and a reservation. On one hand, it's a blessing because it (maybe) limits the crowds. But on the other hand, it's just one more thing mommy's gotta do to get out of the house.

April 2022 Thoughts

 4/2 - "Is all the shrieking normal toddler stuff bc it's...a lot" Yep. Tasks like opening the sliding glass door, which he absolutely can do, now requires a shriek and parental assistance. I just wear headphones when I can't take it anymore. I can still see/hear him. It just takes the edge off. I try not to react and also encourage him to speak or try to tell me what's wrong.

4/3 - Did our longest bike ride with LO. It was 11.5 miles and his first group ride. He did great and it was so fun showing off my 2 year old to all my friends that I haven't seen due to moving out of that neighborhood and then pandemic. I think some of them didn't even know we have a kid now. LO pooped on the way out but we had time to change diaper and eat at the halfwaypoint. Then he fell asleep for the last few miles. It was so nice to do a group ride again. Now I feel more confident taking kiddo, so looking forward to the next one. We sat on the steering committee for the organization that hosted this ride, which was like paying it forward. This feels like cashing in our chips a bit because instead of marshaling and leading the ride, we got to participate and it was so fun and relaxing. The weather is awesome right now. Morning clouds, afternoon sun, mild and cool.

I share about 5-10 photos weekly on Facebook and maybe 2-3 on Instagram. I think it's unrealistic to think my kid won't have a social media account of his own in the future, but maybe not on those platforms. I don't have a crystal ball. But I do have family and friends throughout the world and I don't mind sharing what we're up to. I want to remember it, too. I have several YouTube channels and a TikTok. They're not ABOUT my kid, but there are videos of my kid on there.

I don't think anyone else posts photos of my kid on their social media, that would be weird. I don't post photos of other people's kids on my platforms. I live in LA and there are actors and models everywhere. You do have to ask people permission to take or post their pictures because they may be under contract. Also, due to all the beautiful people out here chasing fame, you can guarantee that wherever you go, someone IS taking pictures and you (and your kid) will probably be in them.

4/4 - Milestone Monday: I can discern when my child is babbling phrases. Not that anyone else could tell what he means but with context and a trained ear, I can understand generally. Even my parents heard it over Zoom last night, so I know it's not just wishful thinking on my part.

In response to "why are masks still a thing at csun? lol" I think it's because you can choose not to go dining out, or choose not to see a movie, or choose not to participate in other indoor activities, but attending class where the university is pushing for in-person classes to resume, they want to accommodate vulnerable people for whom it would be otherwise unsafe to attend in-person.

My 2 year old wears a mask to daycare, he can't get the vaccine yet. So remember there are still children of students, faculty and staff at-risk. Masks are still required at jails, hospitals, nursing homes, homeless shelters, public transit and even the post office.

The university has purchased large numbers of surgical masks. If you find yourself on campus without a mask, stop by a department office and pick one up.

4/6 - Wondering Wednesday - When will mombrain stop? I left our back door wide open today. It is 94 degrees Fahrenheit. We're in a heat wave. The indoor thermostat was set to 66 degrees. This was an unprecedented fail.

4/7 - Talk it Out Thursday - If men wore bras there would be no removable cups. It is such a pain in the butt to match up and stuff my bras every time I do laundry but my nips are just so visible unless I have the pads in there. I can't help but think men wouldn't stand for this.

4/8 - My husband when taking a sick day when LO is too sick to go to daycare: lays in bed and rests and lets LO turn the house upside-down like a category 4 hurricane.

Me when taking a sick day when LO is too sick to go to daycare: oh great, a day to catch up on all the housework that I have been wanting to do. Washes 3 loads of laundry, vacuums entire house, cleans all 3 bathrooms and does meal prep for next week. Not to mention still needing to do work for actual job. Staff meeting via zoom is done while wrangling LO.

LOL my husband was suggesting I start a business to refurbish older model strollers. Got anything in your garage that doesn't really work like it should? We found a great deal on a jogging stroller that just needed TLC. It made me so happy to bring it back to factory specs.

4/10 - Self Care Sunday - We picked up our meal prep order and pre ordered the Easter meal and dessert so there will be no stress of cooking for the holiday. I got a 30 minute chair massage yesterday. I'm gonna try and take a nap now. I'm so bad at napping but I am really tired.

4/13 - My kid is sleeping in and I don't know what to do with myself. I keep asking, "What tasks can you do now that you can't do when kiddo is around?" I came up with cutting ribbon, lighting a candle, melting the frayed edges of the ribbon, writing kiddo's name on the ribbon with permanent marker, then hand-sewing ribbons onto his summer daycare wardrobe. I had started doing one item per day back in November but now I have to catch up on his shorts and 3T short-sleeved shirts. Sigh. Wish I felt like sleeping in. Drank coffee and had a nice conversation with DH without interruption. Amazing!

4/18 - Just a little sad. I ordered 6 things in a bundle from Poshmark. They were like fun things just for me and I was hoping to wear one on Easter. The order date was 4/4. Somehow the items are lost. I don't know if they will ever arrive. There is no tracking available. I don't know if it will be my loss or the seller's. But it's not even about the money.

I'm sad because I don't often shop for myself and I was trying to be so "good" and "ecofriendly" by buying used instead of new. I was trying to reward myself for all the hard work of taking care of LO when he was sick this month and making all the magic happen for his birthday and Easter. Two of the items were graphic tees that said "Magical Mama" in kind of rainbow pastel colors.

I know it's totally a first world problem but it sucks when I wake up and don't even want to get dressed. I hate lingering in the closet feeling depressed. And I hate shopping. Every day I'm checking the mailbox and the front stoop and my email and the website. And I'm disappointed. I've had good luck with Poshmark in the past, so I'm not trying to bad-mouth them. After contacting customer service, they blamed the postal service.

On a related note: I got crafty on Easter and made some fairy jars. LO loved pouring glitter, rocks, silk flowers, etc. I ordered new shorts and sports bras for summer. I got tickets to the IMOMSOHARD comedy show. I got a 5% pay raise at work and I'm eligible for another 5%! I signed up to SELL at the next consignment sale so maybe my cashflow will all balance out.

Update: Poshmark customer service has cancelled the order, refunded my money and the package is still lost. So I guess it's resolved. I think I'm gonna order from the company directly (new Latched Mama). I realized that I really did want those items because of how sad I was when they didn't arrive.

I didn't appreciate before having kids how it requires an entire week of planning sometimes to fit something into your family's schedule. It does feel really devastating when all that careful managing of time doesn't give the results we hope for. And I can totally relate because I've had 1 haircut since getting pregnant with my March 2020 baby. I just can't do a salon right now.

I think I'm gonna add an annual pass to Disneyland too. I know LO probably won't remember it, but it's getting harder and harder to just stay home and not drive each other crazy. Poshmark issued a refund and if the stuff arrives I still get to keep it, so fingers crossed.

4/19 - I feel nobody in my family supports extended breastfeeding but it feels like the right thing for me and for LO and so we continue. It makes other people uncomfortable because it's uncommon. But I think it is natural and eco-friendly and economical and I could write a long list of reasons but ultimately because I feel it is working then I will keep on doing it.

4/20 - Going to a comedy show this Friday night and the venue unexpectedly changed COVID restrictions. "As of April 16 there will no longer be any COVID vaccination requirements" and masks are recommended but not required. They said our purses and bags need to be made of clear plastic, wtf? Is it an outdoor music festival? And COVID cases are rising again here in LA. I'm just so fed up with the shifting rules. IMomSoHard here we come.

4/20 - Wondering Wednesday - I have been buying stuff for myself lately and my mom is so unsupportive. She asked me "how many clothes do you need?" And I don't think I shop obsessively. I just know that when I go to put on clothes, I'm having trouble wanting to. I go into a depression spiral about my mombod and how I never get time to shower or poop or get a haircut. P.S. my mom is an actual hoarder. So I do want to avoid falling into that trap. But I get rid of stuff that I don't wear.

I have one pair of joggers. One postpartum lightweight pant. If they're both dirty, then I can't get dressed. I got two summer PJs right after kiddo was born but if they're both dirty, I have no options for nighttime. I tried sleeping naked and it was a no go. I save money where I can. So it's okay to have a few new things. Especially when I tried to go a budget route and that ended up getting lost.

4/25 - He points to what he wants in the fridge. He holds his hand out to try to stop traffic. His favorite vehicle at the touch-a-truck event was a pickup truck with a surfboard on it like beach lifeguards from Baywatch. Look out David Hasselhoff! Edit to add, diaper changes are getting easier and he will point to his diaper when it is soiled. He knows so many body parts.

He likes granola bars. The nut ones without chocolate.

4/26 - Finalized my portfolio for a 5% raise. For anyone in academia it was like a tenure packet but I'm not tenure-track. It was bittersweet to think about what I've done from 2013 until now. Some of it I did while I was childless and didn't want a kid. Some of it I did while going through IVF. Some of it was while pregnant. And some was while pandemic parenting working from home. Geez.

Edit to add: I think I've come full circle. Except I would rather be jobless and I only want my kid.

Nice Backpack

I've recently received compliments on my cute backpack. Little did they know that inside my bag is a breast pump and everything I need to remove milk from my body without my baby latching on.

@hamerk02 Pumping Essentials @sarahwellsbags @cereschillofficial @ctorganics @gothinkco #pumpingmom #workingmom #breastfeedingmom ♬ original sound - Kayla A. Kaiser

I've recorded a tour of the bag I got complimented on (above). It's a "Marie" bag from Sarah Wells. It's taken me 3 weeks to assemble everything I actually like using and remove everything that I don't like using. The bag I use more frequently (below) was given to me by my good friend. She included a TON of different size flanges, which was so helpful. It seems like only through trial-and-error is it possible to find the most comfortable pumping setup. I am passing on all the ones that didn't work for me. My sister already had a Medela pump and a Spectra pump, but I don't think she has a pumping bag.

@hamerk02 Pumping Pro Tips @medela_official @pumpin.vn @legendairy_milk @ctorganics #motnpump #workingmom #pumpingmom #breastfeedingmom ♬ original sound - Kayla A. Kaiser

I actually scored an "Annie" bag from Sarah Wells on the recent LA Kids Consignment and it had two PumpEase bras in it. I'm so excited to share it with my sister. It should be arriving today.

Sarah Wells is a brand that I found out about on social media. For exclusive pumping moms, it seems like the ONLY brand that is recommended. Of course, yes, you could just use a regular bag but then this one is designed to suit the needs of a pumping mom. I thought it might be damaging for the pump to be transporting it back-and-forth. So much I worried about it, that I never even got the pump out to use it ever until returning to work recently. It was just so intimidating!

I feel like these cushy side pockets will protect the pump so it won't be damaged. I love the sleeves for photos. I love the realness of these pictures too how this mama just took a photo of the bag on her messy desk. Clearly a woman who works!

I love how there are moms out there looking for products that don't exist and then inventing them like Sarah Wells and Lisa Myers, the inventor of Ceres Chill. Anything that eases the stress of returning to work while balancing the desire to continue feeding your child is so valuable.

I love how the bag has different zippered pockets and the whole thing closes. There's a shoulder strap. Of course, for me, I prefer a backpack style. I was super tempted to keep this bag but seriously I bought it for my sister. I would think that after you no longer need a pumping bag, you could take a bag like this to the zoo or a museum. The insulated pockets would work well for bringing your own food. Recently, we went to the Discovery Cube Los Angeles and even though they have a cafe, it's not open. So you do need to bring your own food if you plan to stay longer than 2 hours.

I'm tagging this post sustainability because I want to say how feeding my son pumped breastmilk prevents having to tax the supply chain of dairy cows. It cuts the transportation cost of cow's milk. It's local. It's customized for my son's needs nutritionally. I'm taking a lot of criticism from people around me right now for continuing to feed my kid breastmilk as he approaches his 2nd birthday.

I'm also tagging it sustainability because I snagged two Ceres Chillers used AND I snagged both Sarah Wells bags used. Thereby closing the loop and reusing things that would maybe have ended up in a landfill. Do I love going every 3 hours to pump? No. Do I love coming back to my office and scalding the milk and washing and sterilizing the pump parts? No. Do I love seeing my son not drink the pumped milk I bring home for him? No. But I am committed to continuing to breastfeed until he is 2 years of age. And I'm hoping to make it through the summer (not teaching).

December 2021 thoughts

12/3 - Tried oatmeal today, toddler did not enjoy. Hey, they serve it at daycare and it's easy to make so I thought it was worth a shot. He is good with utensils and can self feed stuff like applesauce, cottage cheese, chia pudding.

The other day my husband asked me, "what's wrong with your face? Is that a rash?" Ummm no. It's "I have a busy toddler, I don't get to shower often enough, my hormones have been jacked up since giving birth and I haven't had the time or money to correct my skincare." Am I wrong?

I just dropped another wad of cash on a baby carrier. Anyone else into Toddler carrying? It's like I'm addicted to buying this stuff. I can't stop myself from thinking about it. I used an Ergo and a Lillebaby SSC until my kid didn't fit. His upper half of his torso was above the top of the panel so he was at risk of falling out. I got the baby Ergo for free and the baby Lille on sale for $37. I got a ring sling for $40.

Fast forward to now. I got a Wildbird double-linen sling for $95 around LO's 1st birthday. I got a toddler Lenny Lamb SSC for $50 the following month. I got a toddler Tula SSC in October for $85. And now a toddler Lillebaby SSC for $75. I justify it because we still breastfeed. My kid likes being worn. It's a good core workout for me. And I will pass along the baby carriers more willingly when I know I have the Toddler-sized replacements. Maybe I'm just trying to hold on to the snuggles for as long as possible knowing I will never have a 2nd baby.

I would love to continue using the baby sized Ergo but my kid is strangely tall. I'm not tall. I wear him while working out sometimes so I need him to be seated comfortably and deeply. I do this to be strong enough to wear him hiking. I got Deuter and Kelty hiking backpacks. To be fair, I live in Los Angeles and we have several huge consignment sales as well as an active Facebook marketplace so I get lots of things used. Like 20-50% of full price (50-80% off). And I also feel like the pandemic caused me to spend on things instead of experiences. Because for so long, we weren't allowed to go anywhere or see anyone.

I got to go to a babywearing meet-up (the 1st in-person since the start of the pandemic). It was so good to reconnect with the babywearing educator who fit us for our first Lille carrier when I was still pregnant in Jan 2020. The fit-check reassured me that my kid is in need of the Toddler-sized carrier. He wears 3T clothes and size 8 shoes now.

The tip I got was to tighten up the shoulder straps on the top when back-carrying, then let them out if kiddo is eating in front. There's an adjustment on Toddler carriers that doesn't exist on baby ones and it was a mystery to me when I transitioned. Not sure if that is clear. It's on top of the shoulder pad, not in your armpit.

Being a working mom is like trying to run up a hill with a parachute and bungee cords wrapped around you. I keep trying to get up that hill, despite all the forces acting against me. And I have to repeat this insanity day after day, week after week. But with modifications! And optimization!

I was induced on my due date. Ended up with so many interventions and an unplanned C-section. Make sure you have VERY patient support people. My mom was with me and she thought it would be a 4-hour process. My husband as well. After 22-hours I wanted to toss both of those bozos out the window and labor alone. Also my OB was MIA. There were lots of stressful factors. In the end I felt like I gave up. Wish I had hired a doula.

12/7 - Remember when we thought if we got vaccinated we wouldn't have to wear masks? haha. I wish that were true. I wish my LO could be vaccinated against COVID-19. I'm going back to in-person teaching for all my classes next semester which means I'll be lecturing to a group of ~80 people while wearing a mask. And LO will turn 2 and he'll have to start wearing a mask in public. This is the pandemic that keeps giving. I know decades from now, we will look back on this time and it will seem brief, but for right now it is dragging on.

I explain infertility to people like going through puberty again. I can't know exactly what it was like for anyone else, of course. I think I stayed on progesterone for the first 10 weeks after my FET. I still have extra syringes and hormones stashed in my closet that I need to figure out how to safely dispose of.

For me, my son was born March 2020. We retrieved 14 eggs that became 4 embryos that were PGS tested, 1 euploid, 1 FET and that's our kiddo. I think I was so traumatized by infertility that I didn't really prepare for parenthood. I took 10 weeks of birth classes, infant CPR, breastfeeding class and a hospital L&D tour but also I thought there was a possibility that I would not end up with a live baby.

So I wasn't planning to formula feed or breastfeed. Luckily my BFF sent me a box with a ton of bottles, nipples, lids, tubing, valves, pacifiers, etc. I opened it one time before my son was born and had a tiny panic attack then closed it back up. Thankfully my mom stayed with us for 10 days around my son's birthday. She helped us get all set up with a bottle washing station and workflow.

I ended up with an unplanned C-section after laboring for 22 hours by induction at 40 weeks. The trauma of all that was something else and my son didn't latch for 7 weeks. If I has known I would still be breastfeeding at 21 months, I might never have started. The hospital insisted that we have several months supply of formula before they would discharge us. Maybe they were worried about COVID-related shortages or maybe they do that to everyone. I don't know.

If you have additional embryos, which I didn't, you may appreciate the freedom to do your next FET without having to wean. I support your decision to formula-feed and I wish you the best. Some days I wish my body was my own. Even though my kid can eat and drink other stuff, I am still responsible for night wake-ups and several times a day for 30 min daytime feeds. We nurse to sleep and cosleep for naps and bedtime.

12/9 - LO has an ear infection, but we got antibiotics at urgent care. Alternating Tylenol and Motrin to reduce fever and relieve pain. Last day of teaching for the semester. Amen.

12/10 - My mom says I created a monster by letting LO cosleep. I'm kinda anxious because I haven't had a great relationship with my mom. This baby (now toddler) has given us a common interest, so I don't tell her when stuff she says is hurtful.

I don't mind cosleeping. It's a great way to slow down and enjoy chill snuggles. Part of me is wanting to stand up for myself and my parenting choices, but the other part is like, who cares? It's not worth convincing / educating her because it's not like she's gonna have any more kids.

12/12 - Self-Care Sunday - I have one of those garden windows in my kitchen and I rearranged it to accommodate some real candles. It was nice to light them while preparing dinner, since it gets dark so early now. Like a mini-fireplace.

12/13 - Milestone Monday - New word: CoCo. As in CoComelon. New sound: hoot hoot. As in a train whistle. Adorable. 

One week away from the winter solstice and it shows. These days are so short! We decorated our stroller with battery-powered lights (Wheel Brightz) and we had to turn them on around 4:30pm on Saturday. LO is still sick so we're staying home and driving each other crazy.

12/15 - Wondering Wednesday. How to reduce weaponized incompetence in husband? Mine is driving me nuts! LO has been sick for two weeks, daycare won't take him, DH has caught LO's sickness and is acting like he's on death's door. I also have it but I'm doing childcare, meals, housework and my actual paid job.

These are the nights when LO and I are up coughing, we go into the guest bedroom so DH can get a good night's rest. I'm keeping up the medication schedule for LO around the clock. DH plays with LO and says, "my what long nails you have!" But then doesn’t cut them. This is just one example. Other things are snot sucking, diaper changes, meals for LO. Why am I the only parent doing these things?

I wish I had a partner with more energy. We fight constantly about me not sitting down for meals. I'm doing chores! Why does it take me 10 minutes to eat and DH takes 90 minutes? He can't help with things because he's "still eating" or insert other things he does slowly like showering, pooping or reading. Yes, I would like to read for fun. No, I don't have time.

DH doesn't really play with LO. When the 3 of us are home together, DH will be reading on his phone not interacting with LO. So kiddo starts bothering me or doing stuff he's not allowed to do just to get our attention. I can't work like this and I can't hire a babysitter when we're all sick.

I am NOT looking forward to Xmas at MILs because I know I'll be doing all the watching and DH will be relaxing with his family. TLDR: Send advice about training husband.

12/16 - Sometimes I miss the simple joy of tracking LO's sleep, feeds and diapers on Huckleberry. I had a really sweet 6 months with my newborn. It was such a rewarding feeling to get a nap in the sweet spot. I feel like toddlerhood has been kind of a sh*tshow. With daycare colds, one nap days and WFH it's been chaos. I'm looking forward to winter break. A month to rest, reset, play, organize, prioritize, and reconnect.

My spring schedule is tentatively two full (9 hour) days Tues/Thurs 8-5 and two short (2.5 hour) days Mon/Wed evening 5-7:30pm. Anyone want to weigh in on sending LO for 5 half-days or 3 full days? I don't know the price difference. I only know the price goes down when LO turns 2.

12/19 - Self-care Sunday. Meal prepped. 120 g or 170 g chicken per meal. Plus vegetable and a carb. Got more to make (beef and pasta and grilled cheese) but progress is progress.

I have learned over the past few months what encouraged us to eat at home and when we chose to get take-out (even when we had food at home). I haven't quite worked up the motivation to start logging in MyFitnessPal again, but I may.

We got a meal prep service once and it went so well the next week we reused their containers but made the food ourselves. DH suggested alternating like that to get us through to the end of the semester. The meal prep service makes 15 meals for $120. Alternatively you can buy cooked meat or vegetables by the pound, which is cheaper, between $60-80 depending on what you get. But it takes about 2 minutes to buy and less than 30 minutes to pickup.

Before we were doing Mashup Mom which is $65 per week at ALDI. You buy everything, but some items are pre-sliced, pre-washed, etc. It takes about 5 hours to cook everything. Let's say 1 hour for shopping and hauling groceries. But eliminates the time for planning and making a shopping list. And the recipes are different each week. And they are planned so you use everything with no waste.

Then when you want to eat, just turn out the container onto a plate and microwave 2 minutes. I don't put anything in the freezer except burritos. We do breakfast burritos with eggs, cheese and a hash brown patty. We also do meat, beans, cheese and sometimes rice burritos. Sometimes we get the eggs pre-made from our meal prep service. Sometimes we get the rice and meat premade from a grocery store deli.

Mashup mom is designed for you to cook every day but I prefer to do it all on Sunday because dirtying dishes and washing all them and cleaning the kitchen makes me feel ready for the week. It is designed to feed a family of 4. Sometimes we have to throw out what we don’t eat. Since we are a family of 3. Kiddo is a super picky eater so maybe if your LO is more adventurous, you might be able to just offer them what you make for the adults.

Mashup Mom (https://www.mashupmom.com/) is free. Our meal prep service is called Fitlicious (https://fitliciousmealprep.com/) and it's a local business. They focus on food for gym rats, like bodybuilding, so you might be able to find something like that in your area if you start looking at a gym. [ The containers (http://50-Pack Meal Prep Plastic Microwavable Food Containers For Meal Prepping With Lids 28 oz. 1 Compartment Black Rectangular Reusable Storage Lunch Boxes -BPA-Free Food Grade -Freezer & Dishwasher Safe https://www.amazon.com/dp/B079M174TQ/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_g_VSDFXBZ21JHEG5H0EFYD) you could get from Amazon. They stack really small when you aren't using them and become pretty compact in the fridge. I use a kitchen scale to weigh the meat.

Trying to clear clutter since MIL and BIL are coming here mid-week to celebrate DH's birthday. Praying we are all healthy by then.

12/20 - Milestone Monday! New phrase: my doggie.

12/21 - Bought cheese fondue for DH's birthday. He's too sick to eat. Went for a COVID test and now we wait. Birthday party canceled.

Me (falling asleep last night): my new years resolution is to spend less money. No more toys. No more clothes.

Me (waking up this morning): I deserve a spa day because my bathtub is too small for a proper soak. I better get LO a Hanna Andersson pj in the next size up. I want to go to Disneyland with LO and DH. I want to go to IKEA and buy more stuff to organize the house. 🤣

12/24 - Holy crap. Is it almost Christmas? LO started running a fever on Dec 3rd and he has been sick since then. It's like the entire month of December didn't happen. DH and myself have been sick too. Every time I think we're getting better, we get worse again. DH tested negative for COVID but we have been staying home anyway. SIL and MIL are sick too (independently of us) so our family Christmas get-together has been tentatively rebranded as a new year party. Fingers crossed that we are all well by the middle of next week.

I am legitimately running out of ideas for activities. When I'm feeling well, I pride myself on my programming. I plan lots of things to do to keep the family busy and not bored and bickering. But I'm not feeling very energetic and I am happy our LO seems to be getting his energy back. But he is ahead of DH and myself. We got this from daycare so LO had it first. It's hard seeing the family lacking stuff to do but I just can't right now. And it's raining outside.

12/25 - We walked a couple miles in Anaheim. Passed through Downtown Disney. It was in between rain storms so there were very few people. Went to SIL's and played with wooden blocks for 4 hours. LO took a sling nap and then woke up hangry. We made some noodles to go and let kiddo eat on the way home. All in all, it was 1000x better than I imagined.

Oh that wonderful moment when family members asked if we're going to have another child... we explained why not. Then they asked why we can't just have one "the natural way." Then they asked why we don't want to go through IVF again. It's understandable that they want to ask these questions, but so painful for me to answer. 💔

12/26 - This holiday my SIL said the ring sling was smart, as opposed to Thanksgiving when MIL called my SSC, "that contraption." We will see MIL for a NYE or New Year's Day event, so there's still a possibility of hostility, but yesterday we had a lot of fun with SIL and LO's cousins who are 18 and 20 years old.

Trying to decide what to do today. LO was up at 4am because he fell asleep last night at 6pm. I've already made strawberry Jell-O and chocolate Jell-O pudding, breakfast, and a load of laundry is in the wash. Usually we pickup our meal prep service OR do grocery shopping and a week's worth of cooking. Strange that DH doesn't want to cook today. I guess we are just getting over being sick.

Trying to decide if it's worth it to drive 1h to the beach for a walk, stroll or bike ride. We have a cargo bike that I am in love with. But the weather is cold and it might rain. And we could do a walk, stroll or bike ride in our neighborhood without the 1h drive.

12/27 - Counting. When moving stuff from one area to another he counts in an exaggerated slow sing-song voice. He's not saying actual numbers but the intent is there. Same for doing laps across the house. He lines up. Looks to us. Barks a countdown like 3-2-1-go and then starts running. Then he turns around, does the countdown and runs back. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Just noticed this last night during a zoom call. LO was showing off for his grandparents.

12/31 - Two nightmares last night. 1st was going somewhere with a group and having to keep everyone together. It was five adults but I kept losing everyone. Why was it my responsibility to keep track of these other adults? No idea, but probably I was carrying residual stress from going to the science museum with DH and LO yesterday. 

2nd dream, I was attending a conference. Giving a talk. Wrangling luggage. Had LO with me. Couldn't do everything. Couldn't check in to hotel, couldn't find the room for my talk. Kept dropping stuff. Not enough hands. Stuff was heavy. Didn't have slides prepared. No babysitter. Clock was counting down until my presentation time. Thought I could still make it. Missed my talk. Time ran out. So stressful.

It may not seem baby-related but I think it was. Tomorrow we will see MIL and SIL even though FIL has COVID. I don't understand this. DH says if we get it, we'll be healthy by the time classes start on Jan 24th. I'm so conflicted. I just found out 1 hour ago. Kinda freaking out.

We have been staying home since Dec 8th. To be healthy for Christmas. But FIL was sick on Christmas so we didn't see them. This is a do-over. But I have no actual medical assurance that FIL is healthy. They are vaccinated but not boosted. I don't believe a negative COVID test has been done. He was positive on 12/26 but is "feeling better" now.

Thank goodness we modified our get together to a walk outside. No dining. No indoors.

Mom hack: Johnson's Baby Shampoo is a pretty good face wash.