Awesome Sauce

It's hard to put into words the magical mama's visit I had with my sister and aunt recently. It was just so wonderful that it's hard to describe. It was the first significant get-together that we've had since the pandemic, and it was like an ointment or salve to heal my loneliness and isolation that had overshadowed most of my son's life.

We didn't have an agenda for the parks, but we did way more than either of us thought we might. Baby Evelyn's favorite ride was definitely the Little Mermaid, and we rode it twice without having to get off. It was amazing how the little ones were able to sneak in their naps between strolling and babywearing. We explored some things that were familiar to me and did some new things that I'd never done before, and everything was frosted with nostalgia.

We got Genie+ for our second park day and used it for Haunted Mansion and Small World, and it might seem insignificant, but it helped us skip many lines, especially in the afternoon. The parade was so great we both wept for its beauty. I don't want to minimize the whole experience by listing how much everything costs, but I am curious because I want to budget for the rest of the month and next month, and the month after that, haha. Summer is here, and I am trying to plan what we will do to stay busy, keep learning, and incorporate arts and crafts into our daily routines.

• 5/12 - airport pick-up, lunch, last lab ($5 for parking, $103 groceries)
• 5/13 - waffles, campus walk ($13 stroller hooks, $13 Mickey's ears)
• 5/14 - french toast, train, bus, hotel, downtown Disney ($12 pretzels, $27 sweets, $4 fruit)
• 5/15 - DCA, Disneyland, magic key terrace ($24 milk stand, $72 dinner, $65 Genie+)
• 5/16 - Disneyland, Tom Sawyer Island, train, van ($328 hotel, $6 milk, $12 fruit, $38 grey stuff)
• 5/17 - end of year celebration, groceries, meal prep ($24 toys, $32 toys, $151 groceries)
• 5/18 - tie-dye, dance medicine ($95 groceries, $72 gas)
• 5/19 - beach day, tie-dye ($6 parking, $98 for flowers)
• 5/20 - tie-dye breakfast, painting day, IKEA, thrift store ($72 clothes, $42 food)
• 5/21 - yoga in the park, pickup Fitlicious, painting day ($20 yoga, $135 food)
• 5/22 - packing, garden play, downtown Disney day 2 ($24 McDonald's, $22 corndogs, $15 parking, $13 sweets, $19 sweet potato fries & milk)
• 5/23 - airport dropoff ($69 gas, $3 parking)

I really do think we balanced low or no-cost stuff with pricey experiences. We also balanced gogo days with nogo days. For example, we kept everything simple the first two days (Friday and Saturday) and stayed home. It was our Mother's Day to spend with our kiddos at home. Then the next three days (Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday), we got caught up in go-go-go and nearly outdid ourselves. After returning home, we had a couple of chill days (Wednesday and Thursday), where we stayed home and did some cooking, cleaning, and domestic stuff.

The tie-dye was fun, relaxing, and also exhausting but memorable. We were chatting and tying in my garden, which I loved because I love spending time out there. I put in some flowers just to make the space colorful and inviting. It was like a Mother's Day gift to myself to make that space exactly what I wanted it to be for us to enjoy it. Everyone agreed the beach day was a fantastic idea (Friday). Good thing my ladies are all big fans of sunscreen, and I don't think anyone got burned the whole trip! We had a brunch on Saturday to send our aunt off with a full belly.

We really enjoyed all the flowers, trees, bushes, grass, and everything around us as inspiration for the painting with a twist at home. Over the weekend, my husband was helpful in watching the kiddo so that we could do a girls' trip to IKEA and a thrift store (Saturday and Sunday) and finish up our wishing well princess paintings. It was very fun to do yoga in the park, although my sister did the entire flow with a baby napping strapped to her body. We didn't make it out to any Fit4Mom workouts, but that's how it goes sometimes. I'll get back to it tomorrow...FriYay!

Finally, we packed on Monday and did another Disney trip to pick up some souvenirs. It was fun to try to fit in everything we didn't get to do, like corndogs, churros, Mickey cupcakes, popcorn, dole whips, and beignets. We didn't get to everything, but what we tasted was 100% worth the extra trip. We enjoyed different areas of downtown Disney, the Disneyland Hotel, the Grand Californian, and the Pixar Pier Hotel. Again, we did some things I had only heard about but didn't know how to do, so it's always good to do reconnaissance. 

I'm already looking forward to our Nebraska trip to visit with Albert's cousins and grandparents, which will be coming up here in about a month.

September 2022 Thoughts

9/1 - I'm back at work after having the summer off. My LO is in daycare. I kept him home Monday and Wednesday because I only teach Tues/Thurs/Fri. He has a kind of runny nose and slight cough but it doesn't seem like it's contagious. My husband is supposed to stay home with LO on Tues/Thurs/Fri but he was unwilling to do so on Tuesday. Today DH is out sick at home and LO is in daycare. So far I feel fine. I think maybe I'm just too stressed out to get sick right now. I had a bad migraine over the weekend, which I think was from stress.

It's a lot to get kiddo back in daycare. I had to remember so many things. The forms, the emergency kit, the shoes, the medications, the photos, etc. DH was just not involved in getting anything ready for our return to daycare. I can manage all of this. But I also want to get a massage. I have been internalizing this stress and I can feel it in my back. Also, I haven't been working out as much so I feel my posture going downhill.

We kept the kid out of swim lessons on Tuesday just in case of loose stool, which the daycare said he had on Tuesday. It's hard because when the kid is home with me he wants to lay around and breastfeed all day, which may have generated the loose stool. The day after he went to daycare, on Wednesday, his poops were solid. Today, he is meeting with a child psychologist as part of addressing his speech delay. It will be our second visit. I'm praying that this additional intervention can help us get kiddo caught up with his peers. He's about a year behind.

We're in a heat wave now, so it's cabin fever for everyone. The temp is supposed to be 112 deg F or something like that. It's hard to have a (possibly) sick kid and (possibly) sick husband and we can't leave the house. And we don't know if anyone has the same thing. I know the kids can't go outside at daycare if the outdoor temp is above 92 deg F so I do have some sympathy for the daycare teachers with 12 screaming two-year olds in a smallish room. I hope their sanity is holding up.

9/4 - John Lasseter movie marathon. Ice Age, Frozen, Zootopia, Princess and the Frog, Tangled... I think we will do Ratatouille and Brave next. New CARS movie comes out Sept 8th on Disney+ day. LO is a big fan of the Cars movies but not Planes.

Its in the triple digits here so we can't go out. DH is sick so we are quarantining just as a precaution. We are going to Disneyland next week to use the last day of our SoCal resident 3-day summer pass. That's why I am stuck on Disney and Pixar. LO is enjoying watching with me. It's fun to see what parts he laughs at.

I was raised on Disney movies but haven't seen all the ones that were released when I was in college and early career without kids. So from 1998 until now I guess. It's fun catching up. Any suggestions for what to watch tomorrow?

9/5 - I am so sick of my husband being sick. When will he ever be well again? I feel like we keep ending up at urgent care over and over. Why can't he take better care of himself? When he's sick then I have to take care of everything around the house. With school starting and LO going back to daycare, I'm taking out the long shirts and pants that are size 3T. I am sewing LO's name into his clothes. I asked DH to give me a break by taking kiddo into the shower and instead DH let LO play trains for an hour. That's fine. It's too hot to go outside anyway. But I have been solely responsible for getting the kid back to school and I want my partner to do his share of parenting duties.

I stayed home with kiddo last week on the days I could. DH had a fever on Friday but he doesn't now. He says his head still hurts but it's like come on dude. LO is actually running a slight fever. You're not. I asked you to bathe him. Instead DH took a nice long shower by himself and kiddo sat on my lap. DH is constantly taking the easy road and I am tired of carrying on with the hard work.

I am worried that LO has HFM or something like that. I thought it was his 2 year molars but now he has what looks like a cold sore above his upper lip. I don't see any blisters on his hands and feet and he had a upper respiratory thing the week before school started with a runny nose and now he has a kind of wet cough. Like I said, we'll probably be visiting urgent care this week. I hate how DH makes me out to be the bad guy when I ask for help. I am just about out of ideas and patience.

A bit of light googling tells me use a humidifier, push fluids and rest. But I feel like this is week 3 of trying that. DH has been sick for like a month. Okay maybe 2 weeks. He has Type 2 diabetes now and I just read that he should check his blood sugar every 4 hours if he is sick because illness and infection aggravates the diabetes. I am really at my wits end. The man loves junk food. I can't be his mother. He has to care enough to monitor himself and eat healthy.

Sorry for the rant. I am just suffering over here mentally and I worry that what DH had (fever, vomiting, headache) is coming my way (and LO's too), but when I get it, I won't be able to lay around doing nothing for 4 days. I have a job and a tiny human that do not accept my resignation.

9/9 - I thought this group would appreciate... I was hoping that kiddo would never have to wear a mask. I thought, surely by the time he is two years old we will have solved the pandemic and he will never need to be bothered. Fast-forward to now. I have an appointment next Wednesday for LO to get vaccinated. His first dose. Last time we had an appointment they asked us to leave because the doses never arrived so I'm praying that everything goes well this time. Also, kiddo has to be wearing a mask to enter his classroom every day for daycare. Today was a 10 minute struggle and finally his teacher came out and helped. Kiddo just wouldn't put it on for me. I just wanted to say if your kid doesn't have to wear a mask every day, consider yourself lucky. I know our school plans to continue masking until the end of the fall semester at least (Dec 2022). I just never planned on mask-training my kid. He got this ugly cold-sore type thing on his face, which we all think was due to him chewing the mask and it rubbing on his skin. It went away over the Labor day long weekend. Ugh. TGIF

9/15 - Yesterday was V-Day for my Marchling. Yes it was fitting that it was on his half-birthday. He was exactly 2.5 years old. He got the Moderna COVID-19 vaccine first dose. We will go back in 4 weeks for the second dose. I almost cried when I saw his name on the white COVID-19 vaccine card. We waited so long for this day. He did have a massive poo in the evening about 10 hours after getting the shot, but I'm not sure if it is directly related. No fever. I just love seeing how he faces scary experiences like this so bravely. I'm proud of my little buddy.

9/18 - Ran MUD GIRL. It was fun. It was stressful. It was a group effort. My hands hurt afterwards. Kind of like how you feel after packing up all your stuff and moving into a new house after 4 days of hauling boxes. If I were to do it again, I would wear capri-length leggings (not shorts). I would still wear a hat or visor. I wore contacts and sun glasses, which I would do again. I would definitely wear all the sunscreen. I would arrive early, in which case you could run the course twice. I have no idea how trail runners prevent rock from getting into their shoes, maybe tall socks? That hurt. I also would have worn gloves. My hands got a little (lot) scratched up.

9/19 - Forgot to order Fitlicious. Ended up going back to Mashup Mom. It was delicious and a good change of pace. However, it was a lot of work (>10 hours) cooking everything. It took up all my time on my days off (Monday, Wednesday).

I got a free bookshelf from Buy Nothing and attended Fit4Mom at the Vineyards.

9/21 - Kiddo is tripping ALL over his feet these days. Knees are all bruises and scabs. Face is all black and blue. Our daycare said he looks like a Cobra Kai. 🐍 He already has huge feet and is outgrowing his 3T pajamas. He is so hungry and sleeping a lot so I am guessing he's in a growth spurt. But I'm not ready for my baby to get any bigger 😭. I have a huge pile of long pants and long sleeves in 3T to sew nametags in 🧺✂️ 🪡 🧵. I am ready for fall. The cooler weather is giving me life.

I moved a bookshelf from the garage to the upstairs and populated it with books. I attended Fit4Mom at Mason Park and I was the only one there. I had a good chat with the instructor, Jessica and we talked about the podcast https://www.maintenancephase.com/ 

9/24 - Went to the Fall Family Event at Warner Center Park but didn't do the workout. My back was really hurting. Not sure exactly how I injured it. The pain got worse on Sunday. It hurt to sit, lay, stand, walk, everything.

9/26 - Bubs is really into mannequins. He likes to go through family roles like mama, dada, baby, grandma, grandpa, etc. He gets concerned when mannequins don't have heads, feet, arms or hands.

He likes comparing body parts too. Mommy's feet, daddy's feet, Albert's feet. He tickles our feet. He is a giggle monster. He doesn't like it when his pants are too short. He is growing so fast.

People keep asking how much he weighs now and I have no idea.

I canceled our Disneyland reservation because my back was still hurting AND we are in another excessive heat warning (triple digits) and it was just too hot to enjoy the visit. I bought some fall flowers to cheer myself up. I figure if I would have spent $35 to park at Disneyland, I can spend $22 on flowers for my own yard. I got Marigolds (yellow and orange), Mums (yellow and orange), Zinnia (orange) and Celosia (yellow) to give that thanksgiving vibe.

9/29 - Every time all my online purchases arrive, I think, okay now I have everything. I'm not going to buy anything else. But of course something comes up and I make another purchase.

Our cargo bike got stolen out of our garage last month. We bought another bike almost right away, but I also had to replace my helmet AND the shade canopy AND the bell AND the flag AND the little snack bag AND the phone holder. And I'm still discovering things that were in the cargo bike when it was stolen that I'm having to replace. Like the tool bag of all my favorite tools and my favorite portable air pump. I'm trying to be cool and positive about it. But it's been a lot of work getting all that stuff replaced.

Also on the day I bought the replacement bike, I took it out for a test ride. I got a flat tire due to a thorn. So I had to replace the tire and then take it to a bike shop to get the brakes adjusted. They also took a look at one of the disc brakes and bent it back into place. I bought some lube so I can just get all the spinning parts lubed up and then I think we'll be good to go. But I'm sure I'll think of something else it needs. I was able to find pads for the 3-point harness at the most recent consignment sale.

If you are cargo-bike curious or just into women cycling with their family, the movie MOTHERLOAD is really cute. I also read an article about a mom on a cargo bike who competed in the Disaster Relief Trials, and I do believe that a bicycle will be a great resource in the event of mayhem or natural disaster. I'm not a full-time doomsday prepper, but I am prepping adjacent.

October 5th is California Clean Air Day. October 9th is CicLAvia, a day where the city of Los Angeles closes some streets so that pedestrians and cyclists can have a stress-free day to play in the road. These are my deadlines for having the new bike ready for LO and myself.

I bought a set of tiles, which pair with my phone and Alexa and can help me find stuff if it is lost. For example keys. But I also wonder what would have happened if I had one of those in my bike or bike bag. Could I have found my lost/stolen bike? Also, if I had registered my bicycle with the campus PD, would that have made any difference?

Also I almost lost my keys this morning. Also I lost my wallet one time during the summer. Mombrain is so challenging. Also the tiles cost $99 for a set of 4 and I'm already wondering if I should have 8 or if I should just stop losing my shit. My back is 95% good, but it is not 100% better.

May 2022 Thoughts

5/9 - I am having the WORST anxiety today. Thank goodness for deodorant and the Calm app. I just wanted to stay home with kiddo today. 1 week until school is over and we go to Disneyland.

5/13 - My sister is 7 weeks postpartum and I'm glad I got her a Mother's Day / birthday gift. 

5/14 - Got in the car today and it was mega stinky. Found some horrible goo in the cup holder of LO's carseat that got smeared everywhere. Smelled like vomit. Took the carseat apart and washed the pads. It was stressful putting it back together but I think it's all right now.

Had to take the bus to LO's first swim lesson which was actually pretty fun. So it all worked out but nap schedule was upset. Had to do baby spa time this evening to moisturize after the swimming pool. We don't routinely use lotion but kiddo was reaching inside his diaper and looking very uncomfortable.

Got an extra large patio umbrella in anticipation of outdoor time this summer. Heading to Disneyland on Monday. Packing and meal prepping tomorrow. Feeling optimistic about the end of the semester. Booked a spa day for DH and myself on LO's last day of daycare for the semester.

Selling on the consignment sale this time instead of buying. Want to reorganize a bit and declutter. With LO getting taller and using a chair to climb up higher, there are fewer and fewer safe places for junk to pile up.

5/18 - Our trip to Disneyland went awesome. If you want to read more, I wrote a detailed debrief here: http://bikecar101.blogspot.com/2022/05/metrolink-to-disneyland.html Kiddo was so good on the trains and buses. Now I feel more confident in planning for our 4 hour plane trip in July.

5/19 - Sometimes I feel like I spend my whole life refilling things.

5/21 - Sold some stuff at the consignment sale instead of buying. Volunteered to check and bag orders. It was humbling. Bagging was such hard work. Close quarters. Lonely. Heavy lifting. Sitting on the dirty floor. Bending over a low table. Honestly I have so much more respect for how it all works. My sales were $15 higher by doing a 3 hour volunteer shift. I sold 15 items for a take-home of $208. We have more room in our garage by getting rid of stuff. 

Now I have to list and move the remaining items that didn't sell via Buy Nothing. I am so grateful to the volunteers who have sorted and bagged my previous orders. I've shopped 8 consignment sales virtually. Before that it was pre-pandemic and I was still pregnant. On one hand it's amazing how we've all adapted to survive quarantine. But on the other hand, we missed out on so much.

LO had his 2nd swim lesson which he cried through the entire 30 minutes. But when I asked if he was ready to get dunked, he would say "yeah." I'm so in love with his determination.

We were given the recommendation from daycare to get kiddo assessed for speech therapy. I can't help but wonder if his speech delays are anything to do with COVID isolation. I don't want to admit that we need help. As an educator, I feel like I've failed. And also I just started watching Game of Thrones and *spoiler* on Season 1 Episode 5 there is a woman breastfeeding an 8 year old. I worry that my son doesn't talk because I try so often to keep him calm and quiet by breastfeeding.

The Latched Mama podcast had a story about picky eating and they mentioned that pandemic babies don't know how to behave in a restaurant and we are no exception. Some former students took us out for Korean BBQ. Granted they wanted to start eating at 7pm (LO's bedtime) and we didn't get a babysitter because of the pandemic we don't have one. Kiddo was a mess during the meal and we had to run out at 8:30 because it was such a shitshow. Huh. Whatayagonnado? Sorry this was such a ramble. Thanks for reading.

5/23 - Milestone Monday. Cute phrases like "I did it." And "thank you." The language is getting easier to understand. 

So helpful at the grocery store. Closes open doors. Climbs in and out of carseat in minivan. 

Fetches things by name. Will deliver food to parents. Will agree to diaper changes if wet.

5/25 - Kinda sad. Had a "pinning ceremony" on Zoom today. It was so anticlimactic. But it was fitting for the end of a hard year where we transitioned back to in-person instruction mid-Spring semester. All the Deans and Vice Provost were there but I couldn't see them since I was zooming from my phone. I was breastfeeding and babywearing during the ceremony and it just felt like the extension of what we survived during WFH and the maternity leave during a pandemic. The head of faculty development brought me to tears by saying outloud that the antiracist work we are doing matters and is one way we can keep the university a safe place to learn.  

LO was running a fever but I didn't realize it because our Air Conditioner was broken and I thought he was just hot. After the AC got fixed, during the Zoom ceremony, two grown men saw me all tits out behind the camera,  I took kiddo's temp and it was 100 deg F. This caused me to be a no-show at My Gym and it was supposed to be our first class and we have 2 weeks unlimited but now the dude is sick. 

Had a solo night out at the roller rink to celebrate this anticlimactic ceremony. It was good. The CSUN Oasis Wellness Center has some suggestions to unwind at the end of the semester. One of them was "soul date" which I Googled and turned up no hits. Maybe they meant solo. But I think Rainbow night at Moonlight is definitely a soul date.

5/28 - Kiddo threw up in the carseat today. So scary. I hate when he's behind me and I can't tell if he's breathing. Canceled swim lesson. 

On the bright side, now we are home to set out items for Buy Nothing to clear out the garage. Heading to Disney California Adventure on Tuesday. Hope kiddo is feeling better by then.

Another lingering effect of COVID... We still have to make reservations for things that used to not require reservations. For example annual pass holders for the LA Zoo still have to have BOTH a ticket and a reservation. On one hand, it's a blessing because it (maybe) limits the crowds. But on the other hand, it's just one more thing mommy's gotta do to get out of the house.

Month of Mama part 5

This month has been busy in the best way. I'm having a TON of anxiety about the end of the academic year and a return to 24/7 time with kiddo. It's not that I don't want to be with my kid, I think it's just the stress of any transition comes with uncertainty and I put so much pressure on myself to do everything well. So grateful for Fit4Mom for providing me the scaffolding to frame my life around so that I can lean in to my community and not feel like all the programming is up to me.

F4M Mothers Day Mega Class

We had a super-fun mega class on Mother's Day weekend. There were a lot of swag items given out. Fit4Mom is planning a Fun Run this weekend instead of Strides 360. And we're doing a group trip to the Zoo on the last week of the month. The next Body Well session doesn't start until July so I will miss some of it. But I'll probably still sign-up for it anyway for the accountability. June will be a month to shape up and do a class (almost) every day.

End-Of-Year Celebration @ Daycare

It was our son's first graduation ceremony LOL. Actually just a party in his classroom with all the families of the children and then a reception with cookies outside on the patio. We got to see the toys he likes to play with. It was sad to think that he won't be seeing his friends every day. But we've planned some other activities to keep him socializing and learning.

Swim Lesson @ Water Wings

Kiddo had his first swim lesson which was awesome. What was not-so-awesome was that something fermented in our car and it smelled really bad and we localized it to the car seat so we had to take it out and take it apart and wash it and let it dry and put it back together and reinstall it in the car. Meanwhile, we had to go to a swim lesson on the bus which was totally fine, easy and fun. Kiddo really enjoyed it. It was good practice for our Disney trip and it gave me confidence to see how easy it was.

F4M Gather Meal Plan Week 1

I was totally on the Mashup Mom ALDI meal plan until kiddo started getting older and pickier. The Fit4Mom Gather meal plan was written by a mom of a 3-year old so the recipes are more little kid friendly. So far, the rainbow of foods has been really good, everything has been quick to prepare and tastes great. We took these 4-oz food portioning containers down to Disneyland and they were absolutely perfect for having grab-and-go healthy snacks throughout the day.

Train and Bus Adventure @ Disneyland

We had the most fun at Disneyland. As I told my mom, you're parenting no matter where you are. So whether you are stuck at home driving each other crazy or out there in the world trying to stay sane, it's all a day in the life of being a mom. Here are just a few of the many faces of Albert at Disneyland. He loved running free. Simple things like stealing my sunglasses and spotting Mickey mouse brought a big smile to his face. He loved Tom Sawyer's Island the most and had a very hard time leaving it. I had so many moments throughout the day where I thought, "this is what childhood is all about" just kids being kids and a whole huge park centered around imagination.

Coming soon: JUNE 11, 2022

Our next big adventure and pretty much the only thing I have on the calendar for June so far is going to be a fun run down in Carson near CSU Dominguez Hills. 

Babywearing Update: year 2

To update how much I ended up LOVING and using my babywearing stuff...

I used my Lillebaby complete airflow 6-in-1 a lot at home and on the go. I think I actually used the Ergo original carrier more because it was in the car and I wore Albert while we did our grocery shopping for a long time.

I started to notice that Albert was getting too tall to be worn safely so I bought some toddler-sized carriers.

The first one I picked up is a Lenny Lamb Diamond Weave toddler carrier (preschool) with an attached hood. The things I like about it are that the waist panel is very soft so it's good for wearing while sitting down.

The second one I found was a Toddler Tula Pirate Cove. I had heard lots of good things about Baby Tula as a brand. They are gender and size inclusive. I bought it from a person who lived near Disneyland and wore their toddlers often at the park.

The third one I scored was a Lillebaby CarryOn. It was in the original box and looked like it had never been worn. I understand that there are some kids that don't like to be worn, but my kid is 100% on board with it. I think it helps that we're still breastfeeding and it gives him easy access. It's also probably because he has been worn so much that he's very used to it.

The Lillebaby is in the car and it's good for workouts. It comes with a lumbar support. I have debated buying the tummy pad (to replace the lumbar support when doing a back carry). What I learned by attending a BabywearingLA meetup is that the shoulder straps should be tightened at the place close to kiddo when in back carry. Then if you're feeding in front carry, let those out. I would have never learned this on my own. But it does make a huge difference in comfort.

Moving on to a different style of carrier and that's the ring sling. The first one I got was cheap and I didn't really understand how it worked. By that time, it was pandemic lockdown and there was nobody to help me. I just gave it a try and it has been very well used. I like that it's easy to wash and dry because when my kid was young, he spit up A LOT. I felt like the number of times I washed my SSC was a bit hard on them because my original Ergo busted a seam in the shoulder.

The times I've found the ring sling to be most useful is sitting down. This was after a family dinner in a very crowded restraunt and I wore my kid instead of putting him in a high chair. This helped keep the aisles clear and allowed the servers to access our table more easily. I keep this smaller grey bamboo-linen sling in the car and I have used it MANY times when out and about. It's really compact and can fit easily in a diaper bag or stroller.

This is my monster ring sling that I bought to celebrate 1 year of breastfeeding. It's a Wildbird double linen pattern in Aurora. It's also extra long. The rings are black. I have used it nearly EVERY SINGLE DAY because the pandemic work-from-home period went on so long. I would spend HOURS in front of the computer with my kiddo snuggled up in this sling. It's so warm yet breathable. I think I would maybe have bought it used if I had been thinking, but also I wanted the extra length and it's hard to tell from used listings if it's the regular or extra long.

Yeah, I just convinced myself to buy a silk ring sling for 2 years of breastfeeding. It's safe to be used in the water and it will be fun to go swimming in the pool and ocean with this over the summer. Albert is also getting really into snuggling in the shower and it would be nice to wear him in there.

The last one I'll mention is the Deuter hiking backpack. The things I like about it are that it has extra storage capacity to bring along diapers and snacks. It has a sun shade that doesn't work 100% great at shielding the kiddo from the sun, but it's better than nothing.

SLINGS

Hip Baby Wrap Bamboo Linen Ring Sling (78") $50 but I got it for $40

Wildbird Double Linen Ring Sling (90") full price $95

Vienna Springs Dupioni Silk (standard = 74") $135 but I got it for $63

SSC

Infantino Flip 4-in-1 $30 but I got it as a gift

Ergobaby Bundle of Joy with infant insert $135 but I got it as a gift

Lillebaby Airflow 6-in-1 Carrier $120 but I got it for $37

Toddler SSC

Lenny Lamb Diamond Weave $200 but I got it for $50

Tula Baby Pirate Cove $170 but I got it for $85

Lillebaby CarryOn $150 but I got it for $75

HIKING

Deuter Kid Comfort 2 $300 but I got it for $30

Kelty Kids $295 but I got it for $48

All in all, we've saved over 1000 on babywearing stuff by buying used and receiving gifts.

MISC

Didymos size 5 $109 but I got it as a gift

This I actually used as a blanket on the way to daycare. I would love to learn more about how to use this. I see other women doing back carry very simply but I have not been able to get it to work.

I will say just one other thing in closing, I did indulge my curiosity and buy coordinating suck pads for the SSCs. They are nice because they actually cover the strap adjustment so that if Albert falls asleep he's not laying his little face on a piece of plastic. It's also nice that all of them included ribbons for him to chew on. When he's cutting teeth, he definitely chomps on the knotted ribbon. He also plays with it when he gets bored. I like that they are washable, detachable and fun colors and patterns. Highly recommend!

Read my original babywearing post here:

http://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2020/05/postpartum-part-9-babywearing.html

thrashed

 I feel like I'm taking a beating this semester. I feel like I've bent over backwards so many times that I've become a pretzel woman. Just when I think I can't take any more, I have more to deal with and I deal with it. I'm not proud of it. I wish it weren't happening. I don't want to be some kind of wonder woman. I actually want to be able to enjoy my life, do and be less, and be present in the here and now.

What we're doing is juggling our kid back and forth between my husband and I. I have no classes on Monday so I have the kid all day. We go out in the morning to our workout, maybe do some shopping or run other errands, come home and take a nap. I try to knock out some work in the morning and during the nap. I try to knock out a load of dishes and laundry in the morning. The afternoon is kind of a blur with trying to get the kid to eat and maybe preparing dinner or doing a bit more work.

Tuesday is the worst most difficult day of the week. I have the early morning to prepare for classes. I have a morning class that I try to align my son's nap with. Usually it works. Then I have a tiny break to eat lunch and take the kid and dog for a walk. Then I have my afternoon class. Then I have a tiny break, which may involve another nap or at least a rest from Zoom. Then I do office hours and then head out to my night lab. After this day, my neck is killing me and my eyes are burning from all the screen time.

Wednesday I try to do some work, either preparing for class or grading. I have a mid-day lab. I load up the kid in the stroller and walk him over to campus. I drop him off with his dad and then teach my lab. It's a bit stressful because I've never taught this particular lab before so I don't know the details of the procedures or where the equipment is. Thank goodness my kid is conditioned to take in some screen time in the morning so that I can get some work done. He has a capacity for independent play that is a few hours per day. But also thank goodness for the baby carriers and wraps. Getting him to sleep on me allows me to focus and do some good work for an hour or so.

Thursday I have my morning lecture and a midday break. Thursday afternoon I have another lecture. Sometimes my husband is able to come home and sometimes not. Sometimes he tells me he is coming home and sometimes he just shows up at the last minute without letting me know whether he will be coming or not. It's disjointed and unreliable and stressful. Because I do have recordings from last year so if my kid is being unruly or throwing up or having a poopy diaper, I can put on the recording temporarily to get back on track. 

Thursday night I sigh a deep breath and I feel like I can breathe again. I feel like a new person. I can enjoy my son and think about what I need to get done over the weekend and just ignore it.

Friday morning I go to a workout. Saturday morning I go to a workout. Sunday morning I go to a workout. These help unlock the knots in my neck. I'm not trying to be in any kind of great shape. I'm trying to have a community. I'm trying to enjoy some sunshine. I'm trying to have a reason to bring my kid to the park.

We recently tried a meal subscription service and it's been a big help taking grocery shopping, planning, hauling, sorting, washing, chopping and cooking off of my plate. But I definitely feel like I'm not sure we're going to survive this semester. Ok maybe that's being dramatic. We are surviving. We are doing well, somewhat. I'm having a hard time keeping up with work. I've told my husband that I need him to take care of the kid all weekend every weekend from here until the end of the semester. He doesn't think I need that much time. He thinks I need like 2 hours per week to get everything done that I need to do. This is crazy. Who can fit an entire full time job into 2 hours?

Every time I ask for more, he really pushes back on me. He just doesn't have more to give. I guess this is when we would bring in more help. It's a matter of free time. If you want more free time, you have to pay for it. Working more, earning more, paying more. Which do you want? More free time or more free money? We've sacrificed all of our free time (and then some) to save money right now. Because we're in the process of buying our condo that we have been renting for 4 years. It's good to be a homebuyer in the long term. But in the short term, this is really painful. I'm thrashed.

I took a selfie this weekend and my skin is just wrecked. I don't really shower or brush my teeth or cut my nails or shave my legs. I have no time for the most basic FUNDAMENTAL self-care. I only take my vitamins because I believe my baby won't get the nutrition he needs if I'm not taking them.

I guess I could say something positive: I love our jogging stroller. It is serving its exact purpose as a mode of transportation. I was thinking today that I love wheels.

June 2021 thoughts

June 7: Pushing rolling things around the house is big time fun now. A bar cart, a scooter and the learning walker. Even though he can walk unassisted and even run, pushing stuff is paramount these days.

He is really into opening and closing doors and does a really cute little shuffle when I remind him to "watch your feet" so the door doesn't scratch him. He scoots his little feet back ever so slightly before moving the door.

We have had to move all trash cans up on top of stools because he loves stashing stuff in there like his toys and our shoes. As others have said there is a constant mixing of clean and dirty laundry that can get confusing and results in larger loads getting washed just to be sure.

Our pediatrician had to reschedule the 15 month appointment and now it's going to be at 16 months plus 4 days. What happens at that one?

June 9: LO is doing a cute hand gesture these days. Kind of hand opening and closing. Don't know what he thinks it means but if we do it to him, he will do it back. If he starts doing it, and we do it back, he cracks up. Silly monkey.

June 10: Vulnerable feelings alert! I'm scared about getting in shape / period returning / stopping breastfeeding / starting daycare / Albert growing up. I feel like I can't tell anyone because they might say, it's natural, get over it. I feel like I can't talk about it to my husband because he has to absorb my constant drama. 

I want to lose this belly pooch but I worry about cutting calories and not making enough milk. Likewise for period returning (which hasn't happened yet). Please no advice. I am trying to process these feelings. It's like making my LO my top priority for so long, it scares me to move myself as a higher priority. 

We are on a waitlist for day care for fall but I'm already starting to worry about it. Sharing in case anyone else is out there quietly feeling this way. It seems most people in this group have already crossed these thresholds, so I haven't posted here because I didn't want to seem behind the curve. 

I am holding on to this baby because we are one and done. I didn't expect to enjoy motherhood this much and I didn't give much thought to how I would balance working and parenting because our Reproductive Endocrinologist gave us a 50% chance of a live birth. It felt like flipping a coin. My husband was betting it would work and I was betting it wouldn't.

I am doing my best to embrace the change. Also working out harder is making my C-section scar hurt a bit and it makes me remember labor and makes me wonder if I could have had a vaginal delivery if only I had tried harder. What? Seriously I gotta get out of my head.

June 14: He pretended to blow his nose in a tissue. So cute!

June 16: Took baby for a hike. RIP my neck, trunk, arms, legs, etc. I tried to go to sleep but I was so hungry I had to sneak down and have a late night snack. It was only 3 miles and I babywear quite a bit, but I guess hiking is just that much different. LO was in a Deuter hiking backpack. Last time we took LO for a hike, he was 8 months old. Back then DH wore LO and I just walked. Today I wore him the whole hike. He did very well today but wow am I exhausted.

June 19: Me: sees a picture of an 8 year old

Also me: crying because LO will eventually be 8 years old

June 22: Me: I wonder why my left hip hurts...

Also me: At the store. Doing laundry. Gardening. Cooking. Walking on the beach. Carries LO on my left hip.

Infertility Babies: I am simultaneously wanting another child and feeling jealous of fellow bumpers who are pregnant or already have a 2nd, 3rd or 4th. But also feeling like I have my hands full now with one 15 month old. And still breastfeeding. And had a C-section. So like aren't I supposed to wait 18 months before even trying to get pregnant?

We do not plan to have another child. There is no way I would go through IVF again at my age (40). I hate it when people say, "you can't have an only child. He needs a sibling." But yes if it happens, I would love another. But no, I'm not actively trying. 

But yes, the TTC threads on my bumper group are super triggering for so many reasons! I selfishly want to have a second labor so I can have a better birth experience. The first one sucked except for the fact that both me and the baby survived.

Side note: I am starting to get fit again and doing scar massage and I think a lot about my birth experience and feel lots of regrets about it. My baby was born during a set of difficult circumstances. I don't feel entitled to a "do over" because I know it could end up the same or worse the 2nd time. And also it's crazy to want to "do over" birth and newborn stage right? You still gotta raise the baby for many years after that. I just don't know how to heal from my birth experience (after IVF) and immediate lockdown because of COVID. My son was born 3/14/20.

may 2021 thoughts

3 May: So are people stocking up on diapers? Are we expecting them to fly off the shelves in advance of the price hike? I needed motivation to reprogram my approach to cloth diapers, so maybe this is it.

We watched "Nursery University" a 2008 film about getting your toddler into preschool. It was eye-opening. I have a dream to send LO to the on campus child development lab when he's old enough, but with COVID I never put him on the wait list. I doubt they are open and don't know when they will reopen. 

I know our University will be continuing virtual instruction for Fall 2021 but I don't know my teaching schedule yet. A good friend with two younger kids might be moving in nearby soon. I don't know how she would feel about watching LO. It's so hard to plan!

LO is becoming an adventurous and successful eater. Thank goodness and adios purees. He's been a champion gainer, staying around average weight for his age, despite lots of spitting up, thanks to lots of on demand breastfeeding.

It's a lot of work to anticipate how much to offer and have it ready. My meal prep game is about to have another adjustment. I feel like LO is always screaming about one thing or another. He wants to do things he's not mastered yet. He needs my help and attention so often. His molars are shifting again. Is he also hungry?

LO is walking but not more than 7 steps or so. His determination is inspiring. He reaches out for things but does not point yet.

4 May: Scrolling instead of sleeping. Wishing I weren't so hungry. Can I sneak away for a snack?

5 May: Asleep at 8-9pm. Feeds at 10:30pm and 3am. Wake & feed at 5:30am then back asleep until 7:30am. That's a typical night around here.

6 May: I'm also at a loss. We were using flour sack towels with covers and I am looking to switch to maybe prefolds? I have a set of fitteds and a set of pockets and some AIOs but I'm worried about rash from non-cotton fabric and/or leaks/blowouts. Just trying to make it to summer break where I'll have more time to experiment and heat to air-dry things.

Went to IKEA today with LO for the first time. We only made it 25% of the way through the showroom then took a shortcut to the family restroom. Washed hands. Ate in the cafeteria. LO enjoyed salmon, meatballs, broccoli, carrots, lingonberries, mac & cheese, garlic bread. He was so good. It was our first indoor dining. The tables were really spread out and they cleaned everything a lot between customers. We had to leave a phone number, for contact tracing? There were table numbers and assigned seats. It was daytime on a weekday (off peak) so not crowded at all. It wasn't normal. No coffee bar. But it was really nice.

7 May: Sometimes I wish I were still pumping. It's pretty satisfying to see the milk. It was great to have DH do some of the feeding. Good for you for investing in your comfort and success. I was just thinking about getting new running shoes. But I was like, "I'm not a runner." But then I was like, "I might get back into running if I had better shoes." So that's kinda the same, right? I think your story just convinced me to get new running shoes.

Edit to add: I fantasize about going back to EP especially when LO is going through a biting phase, like he is now. But last we checked (which was 9 months ago) LO wouldn't take a bottle. Do you use cups now? I'm kinda scared to put breastmilk in a straw cup because won't it be hard to clean? Also my LO throws everything on the floor. Not a big deal with water.

I am so thirsty like I was right when my milk first came in. LO is chewing my nipples and it is so exhausting with the hair pulling, scratching, screaming and tantrums. 

Watched "The Incredibles" on Disney+ and totally cried at how the mom was so protective of her children. She literally threw herself between the kids and danger over and over again throughout the movie. I get it now.

Put LO in the kitchen helper a.k.a. learning tower. He almost fell out the back but caught himself with his hands on the siderails. It was exciting. But scary.

Bought two used nursing tops sight unseen that were listed as XL-XXL and they fit VERY tight. That put me in a tailspin of body image demons. I guess it's my fault for buying used and not shopping based on my measurements.

Thanks to someone in the Facebook group who posted [this podcast](https://slate.com/podcasts/mom-and-dad-are-fighting/2021/05/slates-parenting-podcast-bickering-grandparents). It was so soothing to hear our experience described like that. Really put into words some of the angst I've been feeling.

8 May: I gotta say nothing trips my mom rage circuit like DH saying "you look tired" to LO less than 1 hour after a nap. It's so frustrating to listen to DH try to get LO to sleep when LO isn't tired. I want to slap DH and say, "the baby's not tired, you're tired, and so am I, but one of us needs to watch LO until he is *actually* tired." But I don't say that.

My aunt came over this morning for 2.5 hours. It was so short. I feel worse than before. But at least DH cleaned the bathroom before our guest arrived. I gotta say we clean less often when nobody ever comes over. So now I'm back to being stressed and depressed but in a clean house.

I guess I'm sad because it was so short. Like what we need is real help. But this was a really quick show & tell. We were on our best behavior. 

This aunt promised pre-COVID to come down, stay with us, cook for us, for like a 2 week period. I love my aunt, more like a sister and I so desperately wanted that time with her. 

Today's visit felt like eating a single green pea when I wanted a 3-course meal. It's the last week of the semester. I have so much work to do. I could use help. Now. But for lots of reasons, she's not available and she gave us all that she could.

I'm just mourning what COVID took from us (again).

10 May: We are nodding our head YES now. So cute. No was one of our first words. There has been lots of NO. But it seems "affirmative" is coming online now. Mandarins, yes! Favorite toys, yes! Mommy figures out what I wanted her to do and she does it, YES!

12 May: Got all happy because our campus offered a Zoom class for toddlers age 1.10 years and up. Guaranteed a spot in on-campus day care when things open back up. Emailed them to join. Found out that 1.10 means 1 year 10 months. Not 1 year + 36.5 days. Oops my bad.

14 May: Yesterday was...a day. I teach 3 classes at the University. I would prefer to teach 0 classes and SAHM but my husband does the finances and says I should keep working. Somehow he doesn't remember that there are other duties involved in teaching that aren't actual lecturing like writing exams and grading student work.

I wanted to finish writing an exam to share with students on Thursday morning. The computer I use for zoom teaching and all WFH is corralled inside a double super play yard gate so I don't have to watch LO constantly and I can work while he plays when it's just the two of us. So Wednesday evening DH thought it would be the perfect time to take down the play yard and let LO have full access to the kitchen, dining room, and living room. I had a bit of a meltdown and asked him to put it back.

Thursday DH agrees to call off work to watch LO while I finish up writing  the exam. It's so hard to write exams now that students can Google everything. I have to be even more creative than before and Google everything myself to make sure the questions are unique. I have the test workout and multiple choice so I have to come up with 4-5 wrong answers for each question. DH seems to think it should only take an hour and we got into a pretty big standoff yesterday. 

It ended up with me raising my voice and saying, "if you want me to continue working, you have to give me time to do actual work." Taking the baby during my lectures is the absolute minimum. There is lots to be done before and after class. I have been squeaking by but sometimes when it comes to a task that needs my full attention, I just can't have the baby nearby.

Things got better after I made that comment. DH began to see it from my perspective. Don't know yet what we're going to do when Fall classes resume. It seems things are starting to open up. Our university has changed more classes from virtual to in-person just in the last week. I shared my embarrassing blunder with the on-campus childcare program earlier this week, so now I know that's not an option until Spring 2022. 

DH is staff and he's been "on call' since the start of lockdown. Our boss has demanded that staff resume their usual full-time in-person hours in fall so I guess we will come up with a solution by then. Looking forward to a summer of less stress.

I am not the best at being transparent with my time needs. I could do better at asking and telling. Having a baby certainly exposes these things.

LO calls the dog, Edna, by the sound "Naah." It's real. They share ALL meals.

LO wakes up crying at night or from a nap. Sometimes he whimpers in his sleep. I always blame the teeth.

16 May: This weekend was very healing. I feel like I just came up for air after having been under water near drowning since about mid-February. I was scrolling through my photos and it seems like Valentine's day was ages ago. It seems like I have been struggling ever since then. 

I don't know if my kid is going to keep getting cuter. If so, I don't think my heart can handle it. When I go back and look at pictures from a year or 11 months ago, that baby was cute and he is definitely the same person I know today, but he is so much more adorable now. I am so grateful I survived the semester and I can spend my time more unscheduled for the summer. 

I do have some goals, like to keep doing meal planning and prepping. To keep up with my fitness and playdates, whether virtual or in person. I hope I can complete some sewing projects. Switch up my cloth diaper routine. Raise some vegetables in the garden. Bicycling, hiking, running, swimming with LO. Visit the zoo. Visit the beach. Maybe read a book?

For the CD reprogram, I was using FSTs and covers with Velcro. But I think I want to switch to pockets with snaps? Last time I tried using pockets, the synthetic fiber caused a rash. But I've had the genius idea to use the cotton burp cloths as a protective layer closest to LO's skin. The Velcro was starting to pop loose due to LO's increased mobility?

18 May: Gifting some music boxes from my godparents to others in my community through Buy Nothing. These gifts have so much negative karma attached. It makes me feel toxic just thinking about it. Every year on my birthday, my wealthy godparents would gift me an impractical, fragile, not-for-kids music box made of porcelain. I had a floating shelf in my bedroom at my parents house that would display these 'treasures.' As you can imagine, each year the merchandise got heavier and heavier. One year, in the middle of the night after my birthday, the shelf fell off the wall. All the music boxes fell down on me and rolled on to the floor and broke. My mom, who was routinely verbally abusive, started yelling and crying, sobbing and clawing at me. She stayed up all night gluing those figurines back together. She blamed me for the shelf falling down. I was maybe 12 or 13 years old. I didn't know how the shelf was mounted.

Fast forward to now. My mom came out for LO's 1st bday. My sister has a baby 7 months younger than my LO so I send her all our hand-me-downs. My mom brought a suitcase for this purpose. Instead of bringing it out empty, she filled it with all these freaking broken @$$ music boxes and left them here when she went back home.

When I look at them, all I can remember is feeling shame. Also, how much I hated being a "girly-girl." They are all like ballerinas and pink and princesses and one plays the song "someday my prince will come." I understand that it's Disney and some people love that, but I was a very tomboyish girl. I went out on my own at age 18 and didn't meet my husband until I was 26. I don't subscribe to the idea of being rescued. I hate the way our society genders kids and starts piling on expectations. Pink = girl. Blegh. 

Anyway I am getting rid of them and hopefully that bad karma too. Family heirlooms are so fraught with conflict. My mom kept them because she somehow thought I could sell them for money since they came from my wealthy godparents. But they aren't worth much. I will be glad to see them go. I had to share this somewhere because I don't want to attach this story to the objects when I pass them on.

23 May: It's finally the end of the semester. Ran a 5k today with LO in the jogging stroller and hubs running alongside. My fellow fit4moms were chatting afterwards and our group leader told me about one of her acquaintances who committed suicide leaving behind a 7 month old and another older child.

She said that it's why she keeps the group going, so that it is there for new moms who may or may not be struggling. I definitely logged on every day when I was not working to see other humans (moms and kiddos) and maintain sanity. She said that when you think you're the only one going through a tough time with LO or DH, it can be a struggle. Even if you don't share what you're going through, it's good to hear that you're not alone.

So I wanted to share that with this group too. It's great that we can all give product recommendations and talk about milestones. But also, I appreciate just checking in every day and seeing that there are other moms out there doing their thing, whatever it is. Love you all.

25 May: DH and I have different boundaries in mind for LO. I prefer to childproof to the extent that the entire house is a 'yes' space. DH is less comfortable allowing LO to get into things and make a mess. I don't know what we're going to do to get on the same page.

Our LO is obsessed with trash cans at the moment. Yesterday we found our shoes hidden inside the (thankfully clean and empty) cloth diaper receptacle. Now I have to watch to make sure good stuff doesn't accidentally end up in the bin.

27 May: Excuse me while I have all the feels about gifting our foam floor tiles (which I hate) and our pop up jumper (which I love) that our LO has outgrown. I felt like this about the swing when he outgrew that too. 😭😭😭

I kinda feel like the padding was more helpful for MY knees while playing on the floor. As soon as we opened up the baby gates, LO was falling all over the fake-wood laminate and he's fine. I'm still pretty hesitant about our concrete patio but I'm gonna put down a [extra large single piece ](https://www.walmart.com/ip/Babies-Play-mat-playmat-Baby-mat-Folding-Extra-Large-Thick-Foam-Crawling-playmats-Reversible-Waterproof-Portable-playmat-for-Babies/801451846) mat.

28 May: Tried our first applesauce pouch last weekend. It was a hit. Ordered reusable pouches and they arrived yesterday. LO enjoyed applesauce from the pouch last night at dinner. This is a big relief because mealtime was so stressful. LO no longer allows us to spoon feed him. He wants to be independent. Sometimes he will take a loaded fork but not always. Now I have a way to help him enjoy purees and yogurt and stuff like that again.

30 May: We took our LO on public transportation for the first time yesterday as a test run for a cross-country plane ride maybe sometime this summer. Here's what we packed: Umbrella stroller, Yoga mat strap, Cotopaxi backpack, Pouch with fruit, Peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, Water, Hats, Sunscreen, Long-sleeved shirts, Diapers, Wipes, Changing pad, Change of clothes for LO, infant Tylenol, 4 toys (2 soft, 2 wristlets), Phone charger. We used everything we brought.

We parked our car at the train station around 9am. LO was in the Ergo carrier. Bought our tickets and waited about 10 minutes to board. DH carried the stroller and backpack. LO was awake, alert and quiet on the train. I wore him as we made our transfer to a bus. He ate and slept on the 40 min ride. After we got off the bus, LO went in the stroller and we adults ate some takeaway food. This was around 11am.

We visited with my cousin at his apartment for 3 hours. I drank about 2 Liters of water and chased LO around. LO drank some water, ate some fruit puree from a pouch and we did 2 diaper changes. We left around 2pm. LO was getting pretty fussy. I put him back in the Ergo. We waited a bit for the bus. LO ate and slept again on the bus ride.

We arrived at the subway around 3pm. We could've taken a short subway ride and a long bus ride and got back to the car by 4:30 OR take a long subway ride and wait a bit then a faster train and get back to the car at 5pm. We chose option 2 because of restroom availability. LO snuggled with me in the carrier on the long subway ride.

We used the restroom and ate our sandwiches at the train station. None of the restaurants are open. We boarded the train a bit early and our BIG MISTAKE was that we let LO walk a bit while the train was not moving. It was hard to get him to settle back down once we were moving. Thankfully we put Cocomelon on the YouTube on my phone and that settled him back down until we got back to our car.

Apologies for the long post, but I wanted to share these insights for my future self and anyone who is flying with their LO soon. I was impressed with how happy LO was to be in the carrier for so many hours. It felt great also to have him in the stroller when my shoulders and back needed a break. 

I'm glad we brought our lightweight stroller for easy maneuverability. Some of the sidewalks had ADA violations, like poles in the middle of the sidewalk, so it was great to have a narrow footprint. I hung the carrier on the handlebars of the umbrella stroller and that was handy. At other times, I wore the backpack with the carrier over it on my back and that was fine too. It was nice to have a carrier with a zip pocket to easily and securely store my wallet, phone, tickets and one little toy.

31 May: We clap now.

DH was off work today so he was "watching" LO while I did a Zoom workout. Naturally LO was dressed in a Memorial Day outfit: red, white and blue. Usually I keep a close eye on LO or wear him during my workouts because DH is usually at work. Today dad was in charge.

About 20 minutes into the workout, I hear crying. According to DH, the kiddo had jammed his face into his learning tower. Was dad watching? Don't know. Blood is pouring out of LO's mouth. All over the red & white shirt. I am so angry. Not about the shirt but because I feel like I chase LO around ALL. THE. TIME. DH is more casual and scrolls on his phone a lot. I feel like I've lost trust in DH. And I'm scared LO ripped his upper lip and what if he won't eat today.

I am so tired of being the one who keeps track of when it's time for LO to eat, what should he eat, do we have enough of that food, etc. It's not that complicated. 8am, noon, 5pm are meals. There are suggestions on the fridge for what to feed. It's like DH has no concept of time when it comes to this.

DH was pretty offended when I got upset. He said... wait until LO gets hurt or is bleeding while you're watching him. I am very hovery. I mean I hover around and redirect a lot. It's exhausting but I can't stand seeing LO hurt. And what if he can't eat now for a while? I have to calm down and forgive but I'm struggling.

The other day I proposed a schedule like "I will supervise LO between the hours of X and Y, if you supervise LO during the hours of A and B." DH became very defensive and said that parenting is 50/50 and we can both be responsible for watching LO all the time. I guess we have different definitions of "watching" so maybe that's what we need to discuss. Gahhh!!!

56 week update

I did 170 days of MyFitnessPal (about half a year) and then took a break for the past month. The last day I logged was March 11 and today is April 10. What did I learn by taking a break? Well it's not like I was seeing dramatic weight loss by counting macros and I didn't see dramatic weight gain by stopping. But just last night I had the thought, "now my baby isn't getting the protein he was getting before." And that was motivating enough to have me reconsider restarting my tracking habit.

In the 6 months after my baby was born, I ate anything and everything. Then between 6 months and a year, I tried to eat definitely more than 100 g protein, more like 145 g protein per day. I don't think I ever achieved the extreme of "lower carb," eating 192 g protein and less than 100 g carbs per day. More often I was following "moderate carb" but eating too many carbs. Following "higher carb" in terms of grams of carbs yet still not getting enough protein. 

I resolve hereby to start tracking again with the aim of getting 145 g of protein but also trying to eat and drink less than 168 g of carbs.

The school year is almost over. My baby is almost a toddler. I can almost run again. I have 3 new sports bras (2 SheFit and 1 Enell) that cost a pretty penny. ($137 + $64) in pesto pink, dusky dark pink and black. I have 5 pairs of high-waisted yoga pants with pockets ($20 each) in light-blue, dark-blue, blue camo, olive green and black. I really have been enjoying walking and jogging and doing my HIIT workouts in these new digs.

I got a wildbird ring sling. Double linen, extra long ($93). I love it. It feels so sturdy. It's warm and comforting. It can help Albert sit on my lap, be near me while I do little household tasks, take a nap while I work, and most importantly breastfeed. I wanted to get us a little gift to celebrate making it to 1 year and help us continue for as long as possible. The sling is supposed to accommodate up to 35 lbs. If he stays in the 50th percentile, he will be only 26.4 lbs at age 2. If by some insane twist of fate, he skyrockets into the 97th percentile, he will still only weigh 33 lbs at age 2.

I haven't washed the bras or ring sling yet. I feel I need to read up on how to do it without ruining the things.

Another recent purchase was a stroller organizer. This has been great. As my husband and I have been playing each day "by ear" with respect to who will watch the baby and when, he takes the car in the early morning, then I have been walking the baby to our work in the stroller. Then he loads the baby and stroller into the car. Then I walk home or they come and pick me up. So the stroller has become a mode of transportation, just as I hoped it would. The thing is, we only had one diaper bag. It stayed in the car. But now we have two stroller organizers which have a compartment for the diapers and wipes and a changing pad. So we always have one or two diapers ready.

I didn't get to go to the zoo with the baby yet. Hopefully we will this summer. I'm also kind of missing the beach and the swimming pool. We got the next size up bathing suit and an insulated wetsuit for the baby. I don't consider myself a water-loving person but I am getting tired of being cooped up all day with the baby and it will be nice to get out to the pool. We got a tent for the beach and an umbrella and a folding wagon. I want to start using them again.

It might be time to give up on FSTs. Maybe time to switch over to AIOs and/or pocket diapers. Maybe I judged them too soon. Maybe I will love them now. Maybe they gave my baby a rash because they needed to be stripped. Maybe they gave my baby a rash because he was small then but he's bigger now. Maybe summer is the best time to go to AIOs because it's so hot and they can be line-dried. And I'll have more time because I won't be working outside the house.

Last thing. I got an Easter dress for $27. I got a little suit for Albert for $7.50. Do we get dressed up again and take our own photos or just move on? Do we head over to a portrait studio and have a professional take the photos indoors? Do we hire someone to take the photos here at our house indoors or meet them somewhere outdoors? I hate wondering if I will regret not taking the photos. I went so far as to find the portrait studio and to get the digital files (which I would want) costs $99.

Ok I think that's most of the thoughts in my mind. So I guess that means time for breakfast and actual work. I mean school work.

Love this 

https://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/how-to-discipline-14-month-old

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/14616730903016979

Postpartum Part 9: babywearing

Baby carriers. Which one is best?

Soft Structured Carriers

The first carrier I chose based on which one fit both my husband and I. It is the Lillebaby 6-Position Complete Airflow. Removable lumbar support and padded straps make it comfier-than-most, suitable for long walks and day-long outings. Made of polyester performance mesh. Handles riders from 7 to 45 pounds, no infant insert required, with 6 different carrying positions on the front, back, and hip (including a front-outward carry).

I saw that it was on sale for $41.04 (regular price $124.99) so I took two buses to a Target near UCLA that said it was in stock, but when I got there it was not. So I took a bus and the light rail to a Target in Hollywood and found it. Then I took a light rail and two buses to get back home. I told myself that I would be telling Albert that story when he was big enough to be using that carrier.



A friend gave us an Infantino Flip 4-in-1 convertible carrier. I love it. It's set up in the forward-facing configuration. When Albert gets fussy, I put him in there and wander around the kitchen, garden and garage. He can see what's going on and he doesn't have to be just looking at my chest or shoulder. He can also see himself in the mirror. The only thing I don't like about it is that it kind of rubs the back of my arms. I tend to wear sleeveless shirts these days and I can only wear that carrier for so long before I am in pain.

We were also gifted an Ergobaby Original Bundle of Joy baby carrier. I haven't tried it yet. Allows 3 baby carrying positions: front-inward, hip and back. My aunt suggested wearing him on my back while cooking, but I just don't know how I would check to make sure he's ok, or even how I would get him back there. I do wish the babywearing group was still meeting. I would bring all of these carriers there and get schooled on how to use them. You may think having three soft structured carriers is overkill, but what I've heard is that it's good to have one adjusted for mom and one adjusted for dad and then don't readjust.

Wrap Style Carriers

We registered for a Moby wrap and one of our colleagues bought it for us. The reason we added it to the registry is that we attended a babywearing meetup at a park in Santa Clarita and after trying it on (with help) we realized how comfortable and useful it would be, as well as not difficult to tie. When we tried it on in the store (following the pictures on the box) without a weighted babydoll, it seemed too weird and difficult to tie. Now, I can get it on pretty quickly and leave it on all day even if the baby isn't in there.

   

The Moby is a stretchy wrap. There are also non-stretchy wraps. One that was gifted to us is the brand Didymos. Now they come in many shapes and sizes, and I'm not sure what size I have. I've been following the #MayTheFourthTrimester challenge on So-Cal Babywearers facebook page to learn many different ways of tying the non-stretchy wrap. So far what I really like about it is how secure it feels. As Albert is getting bigger (and heavier) I feel the non-stretchy wrap gives him a more snug fit, whereas the Moby settles over a 45-minute period and the baby ends up dropping lower and lower. He usually takes a nap after a while, but not always.

 

Just measuring the Didymos that I have, it's about 14 feet long and 22 inches wide. It seems like A LOT of fabric but it is extremely versatile and I'm really starting to appreciate it for its simplicity, breathability and beauty. Gardening while baby wearing is a great way to calm Albert down. He's been fussy lately and keeping him interested has been a real task. We have also done lots of dancing while he's in this wrap. Every Friday night, there's online line dancing on YouTube and every Thursday morning, Fit4Mom has a babywearing dance class on Zoom. We even did one session with GroovaRoo on Facebook live.

Mei Tai Carrier

A Mei Tai carrier is soft bodied with four long straps for tying. The one I have is homemade. I love it for how simple it is. Easy to pack and easy to wash. We call his arm hanging out the "temperature probe." It's quick to put on and take off.

  

We've taken this one for a longer walk. It's also convenient to put in the stroller in case baby starts fussing and won't be quiet in his stroller. I also have used it during my babywearing dance class. I sometimes put Albert in there when we're eating.

One thing I have yet to master is having Albert breastfeed while in a carrier. I also haven't mastered the side-laying breastfeeding. I am so grateful when we just do regular breastfeeding, I haven't felt the need to multitask besides scrolling on my phone or eating a snack.

What I would recommend is to check secondhand shops for used carriers. There's no way that you need to buy something new like I did. I was obsessed with having something and if I would have waited just a bit longer, I would have had enough carriers given to me that I wouldn't have had to buy one. But also, it's great to have a variety of styles. And the wraps are easy to throw in the washing machine, so I do appreciate having two especially since Albert seems to spit up a half ounce every hour.

Pregnancy Part 29

New unfortunate pregnancy symptom: carpal tunnel syndrome. Boo hoo. It's really when I wake up from sleeping. I don't experience it as a numbness in my hand, but rather a pain in the joints of my fingers. Lately, in the last couple of days, I've been feeling it as a serious pain in my right wrist. It does feel better if I put ice on it, so that's the solution for now. I don't think it's from scrolling on my phone or holding the phone, because I haven't been really spending time on my phone for the past few days. I've been busy!

Diet

Week 36 - Feb 10-16 - 43% (six fast food)
Week 37 - Feb 17-23 - 69% (four fast food)
Week 38 - Feb 24-Mar 1 - 51% (three fast food)

Symptoms

Week 36 - Feb 10-16 - backache, tender breasts, BH contractions, increased thirst, morning sickness/nausea
Week 37 - Feb 17-23 - tender breasts, heartburn, pelvic discomfort and pressure, increased thirst, morning sickness/nausea
Week 38 - Feb 24-Mar 1 - increased appetite, heartburn, pelvic discomfort and pressure, tender breasts, nipple soreness, joint pain, BH contractions, increased thirst, headache

My parents were considering coming out for a weekend trip March 13-16, but between the cost of it and just how unlikely it would be for that to coincide with the baby's birth, they decided not to come out together. As a consequence, my mom just booked her flight to arrive on March 10th and depart March 18th. This increases her odds of being there for the birth. I'm surprised that she's willing to take so much time off work since it's usually a problem for her. I'm excited that she will be here because I know how excited she must be. Earlier on in pregnancy, I was pretty adamant that I didn't want my mom around during labor, but now that it's getting closer, I'm caring less about being in control and feeling more gratitude for any amount of help and experience that people can share with us.

One day, I forgot to take my prenatal vitamin and ended up getting a strong craving for cat food. Another day, I also forgot the vitamin and wanted fast food really badly. Don't know what it is about salty stuff that my body needs and usually gets from the multivitamin. Google suggests it's iron.

I got a headache that lasted for 6 hours. Ended up going in to the hospital to get checked out at 6 pm. On their monitors, my blood pressure was fine and they didn't find any protein in my urine. No excessive swelling in my extremities. Baby looked good on the monitor. So we were sent home with advice to take 650mg of Tylenol every 6 hours. After 3 doses, the headache finally went away. It felt like a migraine that I usually get around when my period starts. Maybe it was triggered by surging hormones. Or now that I think about it, progesterone levels seem to drop leading up to delivery, so maybe that's the trigger (and not high blood pressure). In any case, we bought a blood pressure cuff for $60 at Rite Aid. My OB suggested to take a reading twice daily and if the systolic is over 140 mmHg and/or the diastolic is over 90 mmHg, then that is cause for concern and we should go back to triage.

Pregnancy Part 25

I had my 34 week OB appointment this week. Everything went well. My blood pressure was 130/80. Albert's heart rate was 150 beats per minute. Went to the Fit4Baby HIIT week 4 out of 6 workout, I am sore but it made me much more relaxed and happy.

I've been trying to do more meditation lately. Nothing serious like hypnobabies, which I keep hearing about, but I am definitely taking advantage of the classes offered at CSUN as well as the guided meditations on the Hello Belly app. I did pay $20 for that app, but the guided meditations on there are pretty good. There are lots of different ones.

This week is a busy week. Tuesday I went to the ballet while Mike had the car. It was very frosty here in So Cal with an overnight low of 31 degrees. I got to walk about two and a half miles that night, to and from the show, or about 6000 steps. Albert slept through pretty much the entire show, but seemed to wake up a bit when we got home and I put my feet up in the recliner.

We have a breastfeeding class at the hospital. We're also possibly going swimming. I went to work on Monday, but then Tuesday I spent all day at home cooking and doing laundry. I also unwrapped all the free bottles we got and read about how to clean them. Wednesday morning I spent at the doctor and then in the afternoon I pretty much just napped.

Last weekend was a busy weekend also. It seemed like we didn't do any of our normal "reset" tasks, such as shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I sat down Tuesday and made a list of all thing things I wanted to cook, but I only got 3 out of 7 done. Not sure when I'll get to the remainder. I didn't bring anything to eat for lunch today, but I've been doing pretty good on following my meal planner this week.

I'm still using the Ovia app to track symptoms. I used to religiously read the daily updates of information in my first and second trimesters, but now I check in maybe weekly. There's so much going on inside my body, and visible from the outside too, that I don't feel it's as necessary to read about it.

I ended up re-starting taking Vitamin B6 for nausea. I bought a new bottle between Week 33 and 34. In reading the comments on my Reddit bumper group, many of us are experiencing a resurgence of morning sickness. If Vit B6 worked before, maybe it will work again. I think it is working, but I'm not going to stop taking it and find out.

Another thing I'm trying to do to manage nausea and heartburn is to eat every 2 hours instead of every 4 hours. I've been feeling the best when I have a shake or something nutritious that I can just sip on throughout the day. I'm planning to start eating dates next week, supposedly they help with softening of the cervix and increase the odds that you will go into labor spontaneously.

Diet

Week 33 - Jan 20-26 - 50% (five fast food)
Week 34 - Jan 27-Feb 2 - 43% (five fast food)
Week 35 - Feb 3-9 - 63% (three fast food)

Symptoms

Week 33 - Jan 20-26 - BH contractions, neckache, backache, heartburn, bloating and flatulence
Week 34 - Jan 27-Feb 2 - morning sickness/nausea, headache, neckache, backache, heartburn, leg cramps
Week 35 - Feb 3-9 - appetite decrease, BH contractions, nipple soreness, tender breasts, abdominal itchiness, leg cramps, swelling

It seems like we got our hospital bag pretty much completely packed. It's in the car, too. I think this baby will arrive on time or late. Dear husband is convinced he will come early. I guess it's better to be ready, but he's got me stressing pretty hard on getting everything ready at home (diapers, bottles, freezer meals). I have 25 meals in the freezer and 4 more in the fridge that should be moved into the freezer. 

Ugh, I really don't want to start working, but these documents aren't going to correct themselves.