Awesome Sauce

It's hard to put into words the magical mama's visit I had with my sister and aunt recently. It was just so wonderful that it's hard to describe. It was the first significant get-together that we've had since the pandemic, and it was like an ointment or salve to heal my loneliness and isolation that had overshadowed most of my son's life.

We didn't have an agenda for the parks, but we did way more than either of us thought we might. Baby Evelyn's favorite ride was definitely the Little Mermaid, and we rode it twice without having to get off. It was amazing how the little ones were able to sneak in their naps between strolling and babywearing. We explored some things that were familiar to me and did some new things that I'd never done before, and everything was frosted with nostalgia.

We got Genie+ for our second park day and used it for Haunted Mansion and Small World, and it might seem insignificant, but it helped us skip many lines, especially in the afternoon. The parade was so great we both wept for its beauty. I don't want to minimize the whole experience by listing how much everything costs, but I am curious because I want to budget for the rest of the month and next month, and the month after that, haha. Summer is here, and I am trying to plan what we will do to stay busy, keep learning, and incorporate arts and crafts into our daily routines.

• 5/12 - airport pick-up, lunch, last lab ($5 for parking, $103 groceries)
• 5/13 - waffles, campus walk ($13 stroller hooks, $13 Mickey's ears)
• 5/14 - french toast, train, bus, hotel, downtown Disney ($12 pretzels, $27 sweets, $4 fruit)
• 5/15 - DCA, Disneyland, magic key terrace ($24 milk stand, $72 dinner, $65 Genie+)
• 5/16 - Disneyland, Tom Sawyer Island, train, van ($328 hotel, $6 milk, $12 fruit, $38 grey stuff)
• 5/17 - end of year celebration, groceries, meal prep ($24 toys, $32 toys, $151 groceries)
• 5/18 - tie-dye, dance medicine ($95 groceries, $72 gas)
• 5/19 - beach day, tie-dye ($6 parking, $98 for flowers)
• 5/20 - tie-dye breakfast, painting day, IKEA, thrift store ($72 clothes, $42 food)
• 5/21 - yoga in the park, pickup Fitlicious, painting day ($20 yoga, $135 food)
• 5/22 - packing, garden play, downtown Disney day 2 ($24 McDonald's, $22 corndogs, $15 parking, $13 sweets, $19 sweet potato fries & milk)
• 5/23 - airport dropoff ($69 gas, $3 parking)

I really do think we balanced low or no-cost stuff with pricey experiences. We also balanced gogo days with nogo days. For example, we kept everything simple the first two days (Friday and Saturday) and stayed home. It was our Mother's Day to spend with our kiddos at home. Then the next three days (Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday), we got caught up in go-go-go and nearly outdid ourselves. After returning home, we had a couple of chill days (Wednesday and Thursday), where we stayed home and did some cooking, cleaning, and domestic stuff.

The tie-dye was fun, relaxing, and also exhausting but memorable. We were chatting and tying in my garden, which I loved because I love spending time out there. I put in some flowers just to make the space colorful and inviting. It was like a Mother's Day gift to myself to make that space exactly what I wanted it to be for us to enjoy it. Everyone agreed the beach day was a fantastic idea (Friday). Good thing my ladies are all big fans of sunscreen, and I don't think anyone got burned the whole trip! We had a brunch on Saturday to send our aunt off with a full belly.

We really enjoyed all the flowers, trees, bushes, grass, and everything around us as inspiration for the painting with a twist at home. Over the weekend, my husband was helpful in watching the kiddo so that we could do a girls' trip to IKEA and a thrift store (Saturday and Sunday) and finish up our wishing well princess paintings. It was very fun to do yoga in the park, although my sister did the entire flow with a baby napping strapped to her body. We didn't make it out to any Fit4Mom workouts, but that's how it goes sometimes. I'll get back to it tomorrow...FriYay!

Finally, we packed on Monday and did another Disney trip to pick up some souvenirs. It was fun to try to fit in everything we didn't get to do, like corndogs, churros, Mickey cupcakes, popcorn, dole whips, and beignets. We didn't get to everything, but what we tasted was 100% worth the extra trip. We enjoyed different areas of downtown Disney, the Disneyland Hotel, the Grand Californian, and the Pixar Pier Hotel. Again, we did some things I had only heard about but didn't know how to do, so it's always good to do reconnaissance. 

I'm already looking forward to our Nebraska trip to visit with Albert's cousins and grandparents, which will be coming up here in about a month.

Post Birthday Blues

Our baby's 3rd birthday has come and gone. I tried not to hype it up too much. Now it's Spring Break for me and kiddo is in daycare so I can "get some work done" and all I'm doing is sitting here looking at pictures of him from this past weekend.

Sunday, March 19th 

Party City (plates, cups) 33.62, Party City (balloons) 36.99, Amazon (beanbags, speaker, road tape) 50.62, Miguel's 114.70, Von's 41.96, City of Newport Beach (parking) 9.30, Parking Anaheim Gardenwalk 3.00 = $290.19 for the Birthday Party

Monday, March 20th

Pretzels Downtown Disney 12.66, Mickey Pretzel Cart 15.00, Sip & savor pass 54.00, "Juice" vitaminwater® açai blueberry pomegranate 4.74, Steak Fries at Flo's V8 Cafe 4.35, Stroller Cover and Ponchos 33.84 = $124.59 for the Disney Days

Tuesday, March 21st

Element Anaheim Resort Conference Center (2 nights) = $571.96 We ended up staying in the hotel a lot more than I thought we would because of the weather, it was cold windy and rainy. We got to watch the fireworks on Sunday night from our room since we had paid extra for "park view."

So I guess I just have to convince myself that this was all good and fun and everything was done in love and inclusivity of family and Albert will remember with the photos that we took that he was cherished and celebrated on the anniversary of his birth. Isn't that what matters?

Month of Mama part 5

This month has been busy in the best way. I'm having a TON of anxiety about the end of the academic year and a return to 24/7 time with kiddo. It's not that I don't want to be with my kid, I think it's just the stress of any transition comes with uncertainty and I put so much pressure on myself to do everything well. So grateful for Fit4Mom for providing me the scaffolding to frame my life around so that I can lean in to my community and not feel like all the programming is up to me.

F4M Mothers Day Mega Class

We had a super-fun mega class on Mother's Day weekend. There were a lot of swag items given out. Fit4Mom is planning a Fun Run this weekend instead of Strides 360. And we're doing a group trip to the Zoo on the last week of the month. The next Body Well session doesn't start until July so I will miss some of it. But I'll probably still sign-up for it anyway for the accountability. June will be a month to shape up and do a class (almost) every day.

End-Of-Year Celebration @ Daycare

It was our son's first graduation ceremony LOL. Actually just a party in his classroom with all the families of the children and then a reception with cookies outside on the patio. We got to see the toys he likes to play with. It was sad to think that he won't be seeing his friends every day. But we've planned some other activities to keep him socializing and learning.

Swim Lesson @ Water Wings

Kiddo had his first swim lesson which was awesome. What was not-so-awesome was that something fermented in our car and it smelled really bad and we localized it to the car seat so we had to take it out and take it apart and wash it and let it dry and put it back together and reinstall it in the car. Meanwhile, we had to go to a swim lesson on the bus which was totally fine, easy and fun. Kiddo really enjoyed it. It was good practice for our Disney trip and it gave me confidence to see how easy it was.

F4M Gather Meal Plan Week 1

I was totally on the Mashup Mom ALDI meal plan until kiddo started getting older and pickier. The Fit4Mom Gather meal plan was written by a mom of a 3-year old so the recipes are more little kid friendly. So far, the rainbow of foods has been really good, everything has been quick to prepare and tastes great. We took these 4-oz food portioning containers down to Disneyland and they were absolutely perfect for having grab-and-go healthy snacks throughout the day.

Train and Bus Adventure @ Disneyland

We had the most fun at Disneyland. As I told my mom, you're parenting no matter where you are. So whether you are stuck at home driving each other crazy or out there in the world trying to stay sane, it's all a day in the life of being a mom. Here are just a few of the many faces of Albert at Disneyland. He loved running free. Simple things like stealing my sunglasses and spotting Mickey mouse brought a big smile to his face. He loved Tom Sawyer's Island the most and had a very hard time leaving it. I had so many moments throughout the day where I thought, "this is what childhood is all about" just kids being kids and a whole huge park centered around imagination.

Coming soon: JUNE 11, 2022

Our next big adventure and pretty much the only thing I have on the calendar for June so far is going to be a fun run down in Carson near CSU Dominguez Hills. 

Babywearing Update: year 2

To update how much I ended up LOVING and using my babywearing stuff...

I used my Lillebaby complete airflow 6-in-1 a lot at home and on the go. I think I actually used the Ergo original carrier more because it was in the car and I wore Albert while we did our grocery shopping for a long time.

I started to notice that Albert was getting too tall to be worn safely so I bought some toddler-sized carriers.

The first one I picked up is a Lenny Lamb Diamond Weave toddler carrier (preschool) with an attached hood. The things I like about it are that the waist panel is very soft so it's good for wearing while sitting down.

The second one I found was a Toddler Tula Pirate Cove. I had heard lots of good things about Baby Tula as a brand. They are gender and size inclusive. I bought it from a person who lived near Disneyland and wore their toddlers often at the park.

The third one I scored was a Lillebaby CarryOn. It was in the original box and looked like it had never been worn. I understand that there are some kids that don't like to be worn, but my kid is 100% on board with it. I think it helps that we're still breastfeeding and it gives him easy access. It's also probably because he has been worn so much that he's very used to it.

The Lillebaby is in the car and it's good for workouts. It comes with a lumbar support. I have debated buying the tummy pad (to replace the lumbar support when doing a back carry). What I learned by attending a BabywearingLA meetup is that the shoulder straps should be tightened at the place close to kiddo when in back carry. Then if you're feeding in front carry, let those out. I would have never learned this on my own. But it does make a huge difference in comfort.

Moving on to a different style of carrier and that's the ring sling. The first one I got was cheap and I didn't really understand how it worked. By that time, it was pandemic lockdown and there was nobody to help me. I just gave it a try and it has been very well used. I like that it's easy to wash and dry because when my kid was young, he spit up A LOT. I felt like the number of times I washed my SSC was a bit hard on them because my original Ergo busted a seam in the shoulder.

The times I've found the ring sling to be most useful is sitting down. This was after a family dinner in a very crowded restraunt and I wore my kid instead of putting him in a high chair. This helped keep the aisles clear and allowed the servers to access our table more easily. I keep this smaller grey bamboo-linen sling in the car and I have used it MANY times when out and about. It's really compact and can fit easily in a diaper bag or stroller.

This is my monster ring sling that I bought to celebrate 1 year of breastfeeding. It's a Wildbird double linen pattern in Aurora. It's also extra long. The rings are black. I have used it nearly EVERY SINGLE DAY because the pandemic work-from-home period went on so long. I would spend HOURS in front of the computer with my kiddo snuggled up in this sling. It's so warm yet breathable. I think I would maybe have bought it used if I had been thinking, but also I wanted the extra length and it's hard to tell from used listings if it's the regular or extra long.

Yeah, I just convinced myself to buy a silk ring sling for 2 years of breastfeeding. It's safe to be used in the water and it will be fun to go swimming in the pool and ocean with this over the summer. Albert is also getting really into snuggling in the shower and it would be nice to wear him in there.

The last one I'll mention is the Deuter hiking backpack. The things I like about it are that it has extra storage capacity to bring along diapers and snacks. It has a sun shade that doesn't work 100% great at shielding the kiddo from the sun, but it's better than nothing.

SLINGS

Hip Baby Wrap Bamboo Linen Ring Sling (78") $50 but I got it for $40

Wildbird Double Linen Ring Sling (90") full price $95

Vienna Springs Dupioni Silk (standard = 74") $135 but I got it for $63

SSC

Infantino Flip 4-in-1 $30 but I got it as a gift

Ergobaby Bundle of Joy with infant insert $135 but I got it as a gift

Lillebaby Airflow 6-in-1 Carrier $120 but I got it for $37

Toddler SSC

Lenny Lamb Diamond Weave $200 but I got it for $50

Tula Baby Pirate Cove $170 but I got it for $85

Lillebaby CarryOn $150 but I got it for $75

HIKING

Deuter Kid Comfort 2 $300 but I got it for $30

Kelty Kids $295 but I got it for $48

All in all, we've saved over 1000 on babywearing stuff by buying used and receiving gifts.

MISC

Didymos size 5 $109 but I got it as a gift

This I actually used as a blanket on the way to daycare. I would love to learn more about how to use this. I see other women doing back carry very simply but I have not been able to get it to work.

I will say just one other thing in closing, I did indulge my curiosity and buy coordinating suck pads for the SSCs. They are nice because they actually cover the strap adjustment so that if Albert falls asleep he's not laying his little face on a piece of plastic. It's also nice that all of them included ribbons for him to chew on. When he's cutting teeth, he definitely chomps on the knotted ribbon. He also plays with it when he gets bored. I like that they are washable, detachable and fun colors and patterns. Highly recommend!

Read my original babywearing post here:

http://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2020/05/postpartum-part-9-babywearing.html

Returning to Work

 By golly, I'm finally returning to work after having a baby. It's been 2 years. I started my maternity leave officially on Valentine's day of 2020 and our campus reopened on Valentine's day 2022. I got the coveted spot at the campus daycare and today was Albert's first day.

I've been on an incredible spending spree to get myself all the pumping supplies I would give my best friend if I had an unlimited budget AND the hindsight for what I would have wanted as a new mom.

Let's begin with the huge tub of random stuff my friend gave me. This pump was in there along with a myriad of ziploc bags. I was totally overwhelmed by it all. There are a few things that are supposed to be bought new for each new baby and those parts are shown below.

Accessory Kit

Legendary Milk Duckbill Valve Set of 6

It's overwhelming because it's fucking overwhelming. Because there are valves and flanges and bottles and caps and tube and backflow protectors and it's all new and then there's a crying newborn and you have all your hormones going crazy.

So after 2 years, I finally got that Spectra out and tried using it. I also tried this wonderful hack that some people just rave about, using a nursing clip down bra as a pumping bra and it was no match for my hooters with these flanges that were digging into my skin. Very uncomfortable. Which led to a few more purchases.

Compatible with Pump In Style

Luckily, I found this on my local Facebook marketplace so I didn't have to buy it new. I didn't really think it through though because with the Spectra, the flanges didn't really fit through the holes provided in this pumping bra. Luckily, I had wanted to try Pumpin Pals flanges anyway and they were softer and wouldn't dig into my skin as much. Comfort = everything!

The basic package of flanges in Target is 24mm but the flanges that I have for my Medela -- that I actually like -- are 21mm. So I am hoping this set in size small will work for me. XS (15-18mm), Small, 18-23mm, Medium (24-27mm), Large (27-30mm) and XL (30-40mm). Only XS and S are in the silicone (flexible) material and the larger sizes are made of hard plastic.

And that brings me back to the pumping bag. I had been seeing bags from Sarah Wells that were really cute and functional for carrying pumping supplies back and forth and around wherever you need to go. I thought it would be a really nice treat to have a pretty bag for this new pump. After testing out the lactation space at my work, I realized that a coordinating Pumparoo bag is actually a must. It has a detachable waterproof mat that you can put down on a surface and a wetbag to transport your used pumping supplies. I am currently using a clear plastic ziploc bag with my Medela Pump In Style, which works okay, but this one is much prettier and matches the bag I got for my pump.

Here's the pumping bag, worn as a backpack with some of the stuff in it. It has a side pocket that you can use for a water bottle, cause you know breastfeeding mamas are thirsty as hell. So once you've pumped out the breastmilk, how do you safely store it and transport it back home to your little nugget? Enter Ceres Chill.

The chiller comes with an adapter and a lid and an inner chamber. It does not come with the three lids pictured here or the flanges or the bottle-top. What you can do is fill the outer chamber with icewater and pump your breastmilk directly into the inner chamber. Then you pop the inner chamber into the outer chamber using the adapter and bam you can keep your milk cold for 15 hours if you put 6 oz water and 7 oz ice in the outer chamber. You can combine milk over a 24 hour period into the inner chamber. You can scald the milk if you have high lipase (like me) in the inner chamber. Heat the milk 3-5 minutes (if you have a second outer chamber filled with boiling water) until it reaches 180º F then plunge the inner chamber back into the cold chiller. So I guess I'll be buying a second (or third) outer chamber and also a hot pot to boil water in my office, as well as a thermometer.

They even make a "Happily Ever After" set that has sippy cup tops for the inner chambers and a flip-top with infuser and straw for the outer chamber (chiller). It comes with a cute linen bag with the goddess logo. I remember when my son turned 1 and I bought a Wildbird double linen sling hoping it would facilitate our breastfeeding journey until age 2 and it definitely did. I can't tell you how many sling naps that kid has done while I've been working from home.

Here's what we were doing when Albert was a week old:

http://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2020/03/postpartum-part-1.html

This post was written when baby was 1 month old:

http://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2020/04/300-easter-in-time-of-covid-19-with-1.html

This pumping blog I wrote when my baby was 2 months old:

http://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2020/05/postpartum-part-6.html

http://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2020/05/my-boobs-can-tell-time.html 

http://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2020/05/postpartum-part-4.html

Here were my thoughts when Albert was 4 months old:

http://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2020/07/breastfeeding-truths.html

This breastfeeding blog I wrote when Albert was 8 months old:

http://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2020/11/what-i-didnt-know-about-breastfeeding.html 

Here's a cost comparison of how much $ we saved by breastfeeding and what things we bought that we actually used versus what we listed on our registry that we didn't actually need:

http://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2020/04/postpartum-part-3.html 

http://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2021/06/home-economics.html

December 2021 thoughts

12/3 - Tried oatmeal today, toddler did not enjoy. Hey, they serve it at daycare and it's easy to make so I thought it was worth a shot. He is good with utensils and can self feed stuff like applesauce, cottage cheese, chia pudding.

The other day my husband asked me, "what's wrong with your face? Is that a rash?" Ummm no. It's "I have a busy toddler, I don't get to shower often enough, my hormones have been jacked up since giving birth and I haven't had the time or money to correct my skincare." Am I wrong?

I just dropped another wad of cash on a baby carrier. Anyone else into Toddler carrying? It's like I'm addicted to buying this stuff. I can't stop myself from thinking about it. I used an Ergo and a Lillebaby SSC until my kid didn't fit. His upper half of his torso was above the top of the panel so he was at risk of falling out. I got the baby Ergo for free and the baby Lille on sale for $37. I got a ring sling for $40.

Fast forward to now. I got a Wildbird double-linen sling for $95 around LO's 1st birthday. I got a toddler Lenny Lamb SSC for $50 the following month. I got a toddler Tula SSC in October for $85. And now a toddler Lillebaby SSC for $75. I justify it because we still breastfeed. My kid likes being worn. It's a good core workout for me. And I will pass along the baby carriers more willingly when I know I have the Toddler-sized replacements. Maybe I'm just trying to hold on to the snuggles for as long as possible knowing I will never have a 2nd baby.

I would love to continue using the baby sized Ergo but my kid is strangely tall. I'm not tall. I wear him while working out sometimes so I need him to be seated comfortably and deeply. I do this to be strong enough to wear him hiking. I got Deuter and Kelty hiking backpacks. To be fair, I live in Los Angeles and we have several huge consignment sales as well as an active Facebook marketplace so I get lots of things used. Like 20-50% of full price (50-80% off). And I also feel like the pandemic caused me to spend on things instead of experiences. Because for so long, we weren't allowed to go anywhere or see anyone.

I got to go to a babywearing meet-up (the 1st in-person since the start of the pandemic). It was so good to reconnect with the babywearing educator who fit us for our first Lille carrier when I was still pregnant in Jan 2020. The fit-check reassured me that my kid is in need of the Toddler-sized carrier. He wears 3T clothes and size 8 shoes now.

The tip I got was to tighten up the shoulder straps on the top when back-carrying, then let them out if kiddo is eating in front. There's an adjustment on Toddler carriers that doesn't exist on baby ones and it was a mystery to me when I transitioned. Not sure if that is clear. It's on top of the shoulder pad, not in your armpit.

Being a working mom is like trying to run up a hill with a parachute and bungee cords wrapped around you. I keep trying to get up that hill, despite all the forces acting against me. And I have to repeat this insanity day after day, week after week. But with modifications! And optimization!

I was induced on my due date. Ended up with so many interventions and an unplanned C-section. Make sure you have VERY patient support people. My mom was with me and she thought it would be a 4-hour process. My husband as well. After 22-hours I wanted to toss both of those bozos out the window and labor alone. Also my OB was MIA. There were lots of stressful factors. In the end I felt like I gave up. Wish I had hired a doula.

12/7 - Remember when we thought if we got vaccinated we wouldn't have to wear masks? haha. I wish that were true. I wish my LO could be vaccinated against COVID-19. I'm going back to in-person teaching for all my classes next semester which means I'll be lecturing to a group of ~80 people while wearing a mask. And LO will turn 2 and he'll have to start wearing a mask in public. This is the pandemic that keeps giving. I know decades from now, we will look back on this time and it will seem brief, but for right now it is dragging on.

I explain infertility to people like going through puberty again. I can't know exactly what it was like for anyone else, of course. I think I stayed on progesterone for the first 10 weeks after my FET. I still have extra syringes and hormones stashed in my closet that I need to figure out how to safely dispose of.

For me, my son was born March 2020. We retrieved 14 eggs that became 4 embryos that were PGS tested, 1 euploid, 1 FET and that's our kiddo. I think I was so traumatized by infertility that I didn't really prepare for parenthood. I took 10 weeks of birth classes, infant CPR, breastfeeding class and a hospital L&D tour but also I thought there was a possibility that I would not end up with a live baby.

So I wasn't planning to formula feed or breastfeed. Luckily my BFF sent me a box with a ton of bottles, nipples, lids, tubing, valves, pacifiers, etc. I opened it one time before my son was born and had a tiny panic attack then closed it back up. Thankfully my mom stayed with us for 10 days around my son's birthday. She helped us get all set up with a bottle washing station and workflow.

I ended up with an unplanned C-section after laboring for 22 hours by induction at 40 weeks. The trauma of all that was something else and my son didn't latch for 7 weeks. If I has known I would still be breastfeeding at 21 months, I might never have started. The hospital insisted that we have several months supply of formula before they would discharge us. Maybe they were worried about COVID-related shortages or maybe they do that to everyone. I don't know.

If you have additional embryos, which I didn't, you may appreciate the freedom to do your next FET without having to wean. I support your decision to formula-feed and I wish you the best. Some days I wish my body was my own. Even though my kid can eat and drink other stuff, I am still responsible for night wake-ups and several times a day for 30 min daytime feeds. We nurse to sleep and cosleep for naps and bedtime.

12/9 - LO has an ear infection, but we got antibiotics at urgent care. Alternating Tylenol and Motrin to reduce fever and relieve pain. Last day of teaching for the semester. Amen.

12/10 - My mom says I created a monster by letting LO cosleep. I'm kinda anxious because I haven't had a great relationship with my mom. This baby (now toddler) has given us a common interest, so I don't tell her when stuff she says is hurtful.

I don't mind cosleeping. It's a great way to slow down and enjoy chill snuggles. Part of me is wanting to stand up for myself and my parenting choices, but the other part is like, who cares? It's not worth convincing / educating her because it's not like she's gonna have any more kids.

12/12 - Self-Care Sunday - I have one of those garden windows in my kitchen and I rearranged it to accommodate some real candles. It was nice to light them while preparing dinner, since it gets dark so early now. Like a mini-fireplace.

12/13 - Milestone Monday - New word: CoCo. As in CoComelon. New sound: hoot hoot. As in a train whistle. Adorable. 

One week away from the winter solstice and it shows. These days are so short! We decorated our stroller with battery-powered lights (Wheel Brightz) and we had to turn them on around 4:30pm on Saturday. LO is still sick so we're staying home and driving each other crazy.

12/15 - Wondering Wednesday. How to reduce weaponized incompetence in husband? Mine is driving me nuts! LO has been sick for two weeks, daycare won't take him, DH has caught LO's sickness and is acting like he's on death's door. I also have it but I'm doing childcare, meals, housework and my actual paid job.

These are the nights when LO and I are up coughing, we go into the guest bedroom so DH can get a good night's rest. I'm keeping up the medication schedule for LO around the clock. DH plays with LO and says, "my what long nails you have!" But then doesn’t cut them. This is just one example. Other things are snot sucking, diaper changes, meals for LO. Why am I the only parent doing these things?

I wish I had a partner with more energy. We fight constantly about me not sitting down for meals. I'm doing chores! Why does it take me 10 minutes to eat and DH takes 90 minutes? He can't help with things because he's "still eating" or insert other things he does slowly like showering, pooping or reading. Yes, I would like to read for fun. No, I don't have time.

DH doesn't really play with LO. When the 3 of us are home together, DH will be reading on his phone not interacting with LO. So kiddo starts bothering me or doing stuff he's not allowed to do just to get our attention. I can't work like this and I can't hire a babysitter when we're all sick.

I am NOT looking forward to Xmas at MILs because I know I'll be doing all the watching and DH will be relaxing with his family. TLDR: Send advice about training husband.

12/16 - Sometimes I miss the simple joy of tracking LO's sleep, feeds and diapers on Huckleberry. I had a really sweet 6 months with my newborn. It was such a rewarding feeling to get a nap in the sweet spot. I feel like toddlerhood has been kind of a sh*tshow. With daycare colds, one nap days and WFH it's been chaos. I'm looking forward to winter break. A month to rest, reset, play, organize, prioritize, and reconnect.

My spring schedule is tentatively two full (9 hour) days Tues/Thurs 8-5 and two short (2.5 hour) days Mon/Wed evening 5-7:30pm. Anyone want to weigh in on sending LO for 5 half-days or 3 full days? I don't know the price difference. I only know the price goes down when LO turns 2.

12/19 - Self-care Sunday. Meal prepped. 120 g or 170 g chicken per meal. Plus vegetable and a carb. Got more to make (beef and pasta and grilled cheese) but progress is progress.

I have learned over the past few months what encouraged us to eat at home and when we chose to get take-out (even when we had food at home). I haven't quite worked up the motivation to start logging in MyFitnessPal again, but I may.

We got a meal prep service once and it went so well the next week we reused their containers but made the food ourselves. DH suggested alternating like that to get us through to the end of the semester. The meal prep service makes 15 meals for $120. Alternatively you can buy cooked meat or vegetables by the pound, which is cheaper, between $60-80 depending on what you get. But it takes about 2 minutes to buy and less than 30 minutes to pickup.

Before we were doing Mashup Mom which is $65 per week at ALDI. You buy everything, but some items are pre-sliced, pre-washed, etc. It takes about 5 hours to cook everything. Let's say 1 hour for shopping and hauling groceries. But eliminates the time for planning and making a shopping list. And the recipes are different each week. And they are planned so you use everything with no waste.

Then when you want to eat, just turn out the container onto a plate and microwave 2 minutes. I don't put anything in the freezer except burritos. We do breakfast burritos with eggs, cheese and a hash brown patty. We also do meat, beans, cheese and sometimes rice burritos. Sometimes we get the eggs pre-made from our meal prep service. Sometimes we get the rice and meat premade from a grocery store deli.

Mashup mom is designed for you to cook every day but I prefer to do it all on Sunday because dirtying dishes and washing all them and cleaning the kitchen makes me feel ready for the week. It is designed to feed a family of 4. Sometimes we have to throw out what we don’t eat. Since we are a family of 3. Kiddo is a super picky eater so maybe if your LO is more adventurous, you might be able to just offer them what you make for the adults.

Mashup Mom (https://www.mashupmom.com/) is free. Our meal prep service is called Fitlicious (https://fitliciousmealprep.com/) and it's a local business. They focus on food for gym rats, like bodybuilding, so you might be able to find something like that in your area if you start looking at a gym. [ The containers (http://50-Pack Meal Prep Plastic Microwavable Food Containers For Meal Prepping With Lids 28 oz. 1 Compartment Black Rectangular Reusable Storage Lunch Boxes -BPA-Free Food Grade -Freezer & Dishwasher Safe https://www.amazon.com/dp/B079M174TQ/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_g_VSDFXBZ21JHEG5H0EFYD) you could get from Amazon. They stack really small when you aren't using them and become pretty compact in the fridge. I use a kitchen scale to weigh the meat.

Trying to clear clutter since MIL and BIL are coming here mid-week to celebrate DH's birthday. Praying we are all healthy by then.

12/20 - Milestone Monday! New phrase: my doggie.

12/21 - Bought cheese fondue for DH's birthday. He's too sick to eat. Went for a COVID test and now we wait. Birthday party canceled.

Me (falling asleep last night): my new years resolution is to spend less money. No more toys. No more clothes.

Me (waking up this morning): I deserve a spa day because my bathtub is too small for a proper soak. I better get LO a Hanna Andersson pj in the next size up. I want to go to Disneyland with LO and DH. I want to go to IKEA and buy more stuff to organize the house. 🤣

12/24 - Holy crap. Is it almost Christmas? LO started running a fever on Dec 3rd and he has been sick since then. It's like the entire month of December didn't happen. DH and myself have been sick too. Every time I think we're getting better, we get worse again. DH tested negative for COVID but we have been staying home anyway. SIL and MIL are sick too (independently of us) so our family Christmas get-together has been tentatively rebranded as a new year party. Fingers crossed that we are all well by the middle of next week.

I am legitimately running out of ideas for activities. When I'm feeling well, I pride myself on my programming. I plan lots of things to do to keep the family busy and not bored and bickering. But I'm not feeling very energetic and I am happy our LO seems to be getting his energy back. But he is ahead of DH and myself. We got this from daycare so LO had it first. It's hard seeing the family lacking stuff to do but I just can't right now. And it's raining outside.

12/25 - We walked a couple miles in Anaheim. Passed through Downtown Disney. It was in between rain storms so there were very few people. Went to SIL's and played with wooden blocks for 4 hours. LO took a sling nap and then woke up hangry. We made some noodles to go and let kiddo eat on the way home. All in all, it was 1000x better than I imagined.

Oh that wonderful moment when family members asked if we're going to have another child... we explained why not. Then they asked why we can't just have one "the natural way." Then they asked why we don't want to go through IVF again. It's understandable that they want to ask these questions, but so painful for me to answer. 💔

12/26 - This holiday my SIL said the ring sling was smart, as opposed to Thanksgiving when MIL called my SSC, "that contraption." We will see MIL for a NYE or New Year's Day event, so there's still a possibility of hostility, but yesterday we had a lot of fun with SIL and LO's cousins who are 18 and 20 years old.

Trying to decide what to do today. LO was up at 4am because he fell asleep last night at 6pm. I've already made strawberry Jell-O and chocolate Jell-O pudding, breakfast, and a load of laundry is in the wash. Usually we pickup our meal prep service OR do grocery shopping and a week's worth of cooking. Strange that DH doesn't want to cook today. I guess we are just getting over being sick.

Trying to decide if it's worth it to drive 1h to the beach for a walk, stroll or bike ride. We have a cargo bike that I am in love with. But the weather is cold and it might rain. And we could do a walk, stroll or bike ride in our neighborhood without the 1h drive.

12/27 - Counting. When moving stuff from one area to another he counts in an exaggerated slow sing-song voice. He's not saying actual numbers but the intent is there. Same for doing laps across the house. He lines up. Looks to us. Barks a countdown like 3-2-1-go and then starts running. Then he turns around, does the countdown and runs back. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Just noticed this last night during a zoom call. LO was showing off for his grandparents.

12/31 - Two nightmares last night. 1st was going somewhere with a group and having to keep everyone together. It was five adults but I kept losing everyone. Why was it my responsibility to keep track of these other adults? No idea, but probably I was carrying residual stress from going to the science museum with DH and LO yesterday. 

2nd dream, I was attending a conference. Giving a talk. Wrangling luggage. Had LO with me. Couldn't do everything. Couldn't check in to hotel, couldn't find the room for my talk. Kept dropping stuff. Not enough hands. Stuff was heavy. Didn't have slides prepared. No babysitter. Clock was counting down until my presentation time. Thought I could still make it. Missed my talk. Time ran out. So stressful.

It may not seem baby-related but I think it was. Tomorrow we will see MIL and SIL even though FIL has COVID. I don't understand this. DH says if we get it, we'll be healthy by the time classes start on Jan 24th. I'm so conflicted. I just found out 1 hour ago. Kinda freaking out.

We have been staying home since Dec 8th. To be healthy for Christmas. But FIL was sick on Christmas so we didn't see them. This is a do-over. But I have no actual medical assurance that FIL is healthy. They are vaccinated but not boosted. I don't believe a negative COVID test has been done. He was positive on 12/26 but is "feeling better" now.

Thank goodness we modified our get together to a walk outside. No dining. No indoors.

Mom hack: Johnson's Baby Shampoo is a pretty good face wash.

October 2021 Thoughts

Oct 1: DH and I are both so tired we're fighting over LO's night wake-ups. It's got me Googling COVID symptoms timeline because we both woke up with massive headaches. I have been nauseous yesterday & today. I am tired but have no loss of smell or taste. My employer pays for weekly testing so I will swab today. I am hoping it's just an emotional hangover from a tough week. I have a coworker who is bullying me and I finally let my boss know. LO is teething so bad.

Oct 3: Ordered pre-made food for the week instead of cooking. Portioned it out to be grab-and-go. DH got his first haircut at a barbershop since the start of the pandemic, so I didn't have to cut it. Got a new soother toy for LO that I really like. Did a meditation on Friday to ocean sounds and it really helped me get centered. Have a good routine now of working Tues, Wed and Thurs and not working Fri, Sat, Sun, and Mon. Meaning 4 days / week of fitness and naps and letting LO do whatever he wants. And 3 days / week of discipline and structure for LO.

Oct 4: I had a nightmare about tripping over toys. Like there was so much colorful plastic clutter that I couldn't walk through my house. In the dream. When I woke up, it wasn't that bad, but maybe it's my brain telling me to purge more baby toys. Like anything that says up to 18m is going out the door.

I'm very analytical about which toys to keep. I have a list of the toys and their age / height / weight limit. When LO is too old, too big or too heavy, I put the toy on Buy Nothing or send it to my younger sisters who have kids younger than LO. I am having a harder time with clothes because he didn't even wear some of them and the shorts and t-shirts mostly still fit but winter is coming and I'm not sure if 2T will fit next summer.

Oct 13: Why when my husband is mad at me does he punish me by helping out less? While when I get mad at him, I punish him by telling him, "I don't need your help, I can do everything without you."

We should be coming together and offering each other MORE help when we're stressed. Why do we pull away from each other under stress?

Sorry this is a late post but I was wondering it earlier in the week and then I couldn't remember it long enough to post it, but then I remembered it again while talking to my mom this morning.

For example, every time I ask for more help DH gets defensive and starts helping less so I can feel what he is doing to help and see how it feels when he stops helping. But when I'm upset, I pull LO closer to me and try to do everything without DH. I just stonewall. It's so unhelpful and toxic. How can we stop doing this? Are we cursed to repeat the patterns of abuse and neglect that our parents started?

We put a toilet lock on the trashcan to keep LO from throwing toys in the garbage. But he still stashes stuff in the recycling the minute we aren't paying attention. Cheeky monkey.

Oct 18: We took down the baby gates which protected a bookshelf. We'll see how it goes. LO is obsessed with planes, helicopters, trains, buses, ambulances, and firetrucks. And loves barking back at dogs on our walk.

• If you want a nap at 9:30, wake at 5:30. If you want a nap at 10:30, wake at 6:30. If you sleep in until 7:30, expect a nap around 11:30 or noon.
• If you have 1 sleep cycle (45 min) for the am nap, you might get a pm nap between 3 and 5. But be sure to wake before 6pm, otherwise, you will have a late (~10pm) bedtime.
• If you have a one-nap day, you may get an early bedtime (~7pm) which is good if the next morning is an early one. The night sleep is about 10 hours long.

We have been walking for our bedtime routine. Outside in the cool dark city. Start around 7:30. In bed around 8:30. Sometimes fuss or play until 9:30, depending on naps or teething.

Oct 21: Y'all I'm so tired. My neck and back are aching. No amount of apple cider and pumpkin spice latte can make me want to be productive. I got the COVID booster and flu shot on 10/7 so I should be fully protected by now.

I want to put up fall decorations. So far I put lights in the front window. I looked in the garage to see if the boxes were easily accessible. Nope. We have family coming here for Thanksgiving. But dang I am exhausted right now.

I teach from home on Zoom. I babywear during my lectures to keep LO quiet. Seriously he is getting heavy or I am losing core strength. I was working out much more over the summer. Now it's only 3 days per week and I don't really go hard because I'm just too tired.

On the plus side, we started a meal prep service so I don't have to worry about cooking anymore.

Oct 22: We took the baby set off of our Tripp Trapp. LO can climb in and out easily. We adjusted the footrest down so he has an easier time climbing up and his legs are at a 90-degree angle while sitting. We took the front rail off our IKEA Sundvik crib so it's a toddler bed now. I guess I am ready for a change. LO measured 33.5" at his last pediatrician visit which was over a month ago. Size 7 shoes are too small. Walking around in 7's gave LO a bruised toenail. That's how we knew the size 5's were done. I packed up all 2T summer clothes. I took inventory of all 3T clothes that we have. This kid is definitely in a growth phase. He wakes up starving and eats about 4x as much as a few weeks ago. He's still cutting teeth but some have emerged.

I don't know how tomorrow is gonna go. We're seeing MIL after not seeing her since Easter. That's over 200 days or 55% of the year. She is done with her pancreatic cancer treatment and ready to get back to normal life. We're meeting at the Zoo.

Oct 23: Our trip to the Zoo was great. LO pooped on the drive over. We did a tailgate diaper change. Had a snack. Waited in line (we were 45 minutes early). Then walked a lot. LO got candy. All the families were in costumes. We had a picnic lunch and plenty of snacks. LO fell asleep on the tram ride. We ate soft serve ice cream. LO woke up. We left around 2pm. We stayed about 4 hours. The weather was great.

Things got tricky from there. LO blew out his diaper in a way that he had never done before. It was epic and nasty. Then he was kind of a whiny mess for the rest of the day. I ended up doing chores and getting more worn out. The dog wouldn't stop barking. Never figured out why. Thank goddess LO fell asleep easily at 7:30pm. The only problem is I didn't get much to eat and I'm trapped.

Oct 24: Mom's night out on Friday night. Chatted with another IVF mom and it was very good to connect. She's 3 months postpartum and I could see that version of me in the rearview mirror. It made me realize I have come a long way in terms of personal growth and physical healing. I'm glad I went even though I don't drink alcohol. I was worried about missing bedtime and I still nurse LO to sleep, but DH handled it like a champion. LO caught up on feeding throughout the night and in the morning. We sat unmasked on an outdoor patio. We shared appetizers, which felt strange after looooong quarantining. There was a DJ which gave a fun vibe. 5 moms from our fitness group. No husbands, no kids. The last time we did this was 6 months ago.

Oct 26: I'm kinda resentful of the whole "women cheerleading other women" thing. It's a bit toxic. What I mean is I found a bunch of social media accounts devoted to like, "you can have a family and a scientific career and an academic career," you can have it all! It's just nonsense. I am feeling so exhausted and I don't even write grants or keep up appearances to make tenure. I'm a freaking exploited part-timer who is in the trenches teaching day after day, grading papers during every free moment.

I babywear my toddler and plan his whole day around napping during my lecture. Yes, I'm doing it but I'm not all Rah Rah Rah about it. I actually feel like telling women in their 20s and 30s that they can have it all is kind of a false promise. I ended up delaying childbearing until my late 30s and now I have a toddler in my early 40s. I have a good secure job, which I had to work very long and hard to get that job security and I timed the pregnancy to coincide with those benefits kicking in.

If I had taken any time off prior to when I did, I would not have earned my entitlement, which puts me on a 3-year contract instead of semester-by-semester. I had accrued a bunch of sick leave and personal holidays, having never taken a day off, which when combined with summer break got me 6-months of maternity leave. It was glorious.

I think I'd rather follow "get real" type of mom accounts. I watched some YouTube "day in the life" videos of working moms with toddlers because I kind of wanted some solidarity. I mean I love reading what y'all are going through. Thank goodness for this Bumper group. But it was interesting seeing videos of how other women get through the day. We're not freaking supermoms. We're just regular women.

If you know of any "get real" day in the life videos, send me the link. I could use a bit of inspiration. My husband and I got excited about a Ninja coffee maker as if a $150 coffee maker could give us the energy we need to keep up with this kiddo. DH is in his late 40s. But seriously, if you have an amazing coffee routine, share it. I'm talking about a milk frother, espresso, the works! Currently rocking a $20 drip coffee maker with timer and auto-off cause we fancy like that.

I work with my husband and I love it. He is the instrument manager (repairs broken equipment) and I teach the lab class that uses the equipment. We keep each other informed and have offices in separate but adjoining buildings.

I have been slowly unfollowing all baby-related social media but somehow a hashtag popped up on my Twitter that directed me to Instagram and then I started to realize my mistake for following that whole line. In case you are wondering...the hashtags were SciMomJourney and mothersinscience

Oct 27: Albert has a special face to go along with his deviant behavior. It's a smile with a scrunched-up nose and nearly closed eyes. I wish I could get a picture of it, It's soo darn cute. But he only does it when he knows he's doing the opposite of whatever I've asked him to do. And I never have the camera ready to catch it.

Oct 28: When do you get rid of a toy? For example, I have so many things that say 6-36 months. But they are bulky, ugly, and rarely used. I think things that are 6-18 months are clearly good to go. We are "one and done" as far as having kids so I fast-track toys out of the house. I have other toys that are 18 months and up that are still in the closet because there is no room to bring them out. Just wondering if anyone else wants to share their criteria for saving vs rehoming toys. I'm scared to get rid of something that says good up to 3 yrs like he might enjoy it later if I don't get rid of it.

Literally on my last nerve. Frazzled doesn't even begin to cover my state of mind. DH was "watching" LO and "supervising" dinner while I was grading papers and LO falls out of his chair. Bonks head. Screams bloody murder. Productivity gone. Now trapped under sleeping child. I didn't get dinner. LO is in dirty play clothes that he wore to the park.

DH is so clueless about my level of fragility. I wanted to cry a dozen times but I held it together. Didn't get a moment alone all day. We're fighting about sitter vs daycare. I don't see DH taking LO to his work but I get to watch kiddo 24/7 cause I WFH and still breastfeed. Wonder how things would be different if our roles were reversed.

thrashed

 I feel like I'm taking a beating this semester. I feel like I've bent over backwards so many times that I've become a pretzel woman. Just when I think I can't take any more, I have more to deal with and I deal with it. I'm not proud of it. I wish it weren't happening. I don't want to be some kind of wonder woman. I actually want to be able to enjoy my life, do and be less, and be present in the here and now.

What we're doing is juggling our kid back and forth between my husband and I. I have no classes on Monday so I have the kid all day. We go out in the morning to our workout, maybe do some shopping or run other errands, come home and take a nap. I try to knock out some work in the morning and during the nap. I try to knock out a load of dishes and laundry in the morning. The afternoon is kind of a blur with trying to get the kid to eat and maybe preparing dinner or doing a bit more work.

Tuesday is the worst most difficult day of the week. I have the early morning to prepare for classes. I have a morning class that I try to align my son's nap with. Usually it works. Then I have a tiny break to eat lunch and take the kid and dog for a walk. Then I have my afternoon class. Then I have a tiny break, which may involve another nap or at least a rest from Zoom. Then I do office hours and then head out to my night lab. After this day, my neck is killing me and my eyes are burning from all the screen time.

Wednesday I try to do some work, either preparing for class or grading. I have a mid-day lab. I load up the kid in the stroller and walk him over to campus. I drop him off with his dad and then teach my lab. It's a bit stressful because I've never taught this particular lab before so I don't know the details of the procedures or where the equipment is. Thank goodness my kid is conditioned to take in some screen time in the morning so that I can get some work done. He has a capacity for independent play that is a few hours per day. But also thank goodness for the baby carriers and wraps. Getting him to sleep on me allows me to focus and do some good work for an hour or so.

Thursday I have my morning lecture and a midday break. Thursday afternoon I have another lecture. Sometimes my husband is able to come home and sometimes not. Sometimes he tells me he is coming home and sometimes he just shows up at the last minute without letting me know whether he will be coming or not. It's disjointed and unreliable and stressful. Because I do have recordings from last year so if my kid is being unruly or throwing up or having a poopy diaper, I can put on the recording temporarily to get back on track. 

Thursday night I sigh a deep breath and I feel like I can breathe again. I feel like a new person. I can enjoy my son and think about what I need to get done over the weekend and just ignore it.

Friday morning I go to a workout. Saturday morning I go to a workout. Sunday morning I go to a workout. These help unlock the knots in my neck. I'm not trying to be in any kind of great shape. I'm trying to have a community. I'm trying to enjoy some sunshine. I'm trying to have a reason to bring my kid to the park.

We recently tried a meal subscription service and it's been a big help taking grocery shopping, planning, hauling, sorting, washing, chopping and cooking off of my plate. But I definitely feel like I'm not sure we're going to survive this semester. Ok maybe that's being dramatic. We are surviving. We are doing well, somewhat. I'm having a hard time keeping up with work. I've told my husband that I need him to take care of the kid all weekend every weekend from here until the end of the semester. He doesn't think I need that much time. He thinks I need like 2 hours per week to get everything done that I need to do. This is crazy. Who can fit an entire full time job into 2 hours?

Every time I ask for more, he really pushes back on me. He just doesn't have more to give. I guess this is when we would bring in more help. It's a matter of free time. If you want more free time, you have to pay for it. Working more, earning more, paying more. Which do you want? More free time or more free money? We've sacrificed all of our free time (and then some) to save money right now. Because we're in the process of buying our condo that we have been renting for 4 years. It's good to be a homebuyer in the long term. But in the short term, this is really painful. I'm thrashed.

I took a selfie this weekend and my skin is just wrecked. I don't really shower or brush my teeth or cut my nails or shave my legs. I have no time for the most basic FUNDAMENTAL self-care. I only take my vitamins because I believe my baby won't get the nutrition he needs if I'm not taking them.

I guess I could say something positive: I love our jogging stroller. It is serving its exact purpose as a mode of transportation. I was thinking today that I love wheels.

September 2021 Thoughts

Sept 5: My mom came for LO's birth, 6m, 12m. I thought she was planning to come every 6m but now that 18m is here, she's backing out. My MIL is undergoing chemo so we probably won't see her until Xmas. I feel sad.

I might cheer myself up by buying $60 worth of crap for Halloween. It's sitting in my Amazon cart. But I know it won't make me feel better. More holidays during COVID. 

LO has a runny nose from our spontaneous trip to IKEA and now of course I'm thinking the worst and feeling disappointed in myself for taking an unnecessary trip.

Stocked up on 3T pjs and size 7 tennis shoes because LO is growing so fast. Of course he can wear 2T separates but the footed onesies are getting hard to zip. His upper back is sticking out. 

He skipped from size 5 shoes right on past 6 in two months time. Thank goodness for Children's Orchard. We got 6 pairs of shoes and 6 pjs for $60. Used but still lots of life.

Sept 6: We hung a bucket swing in the garage. I am so happy because if I have like 30 minutes free during the day (WFH w/ LO) we can swing for a bit without having to go all the way to a park. We live in a townhouse with a detached garage.

September 9: Week 2 of the semester is over. Just 14 more... LO is teething, biting, sniffling, coughing, throwing food and tantrums, climbing on everything. But I am somehow calm and taking it in stride. There are some moments of super cuteness like his scrunched face smile and waving hi and bye to literally everyone. I love this nugget. And I wish he would eat more.

Sept 11: We have a 1 nap per day kiddo who loves sleeping in the carseat. Cue me eating meals parked curbside under the shade with the car running listening to a podcast or working on my phone just so LO can get a 45 minute nap.

Also, for soothing, my kid has taken to want electronic music on repeat. Like one song over and over for 15 minutes. We have [this](https://www.target.com/p/swaddleme-slumber-buddies-elephant-soother/-/A-18819169) one and LO will turn it to the song he likes, the volume he likes, the light setting he likes and then wind down and go to sleep. I feel silly because I sing to him and enjoy singing, but he really seems to relax to the electronic songs more.

Sept 12: It's silly but I got coordinating Halloween costumes for the family. I put everything in the Amazon cart and left it there to think about it. DH  ordered everything. Glad he did because a few items are backordered and one came in the wrong size, necessitating a return/exchange.

It's a Harry Potter theme. LO is Gryffendor, I'm Hufflepuff and DH is Ravenclaw. Maybe I should add a Slytherin dog outfit just to have representation for all the houses. Haha. I got a tiny broom for LO and he has had so much fun sweeping with it. I didn't get wands because I felt it might not be age-appropriate for LO just yet.

I file this under self-care because it's something to look forward to and with this Neverending pandemic, that is a powerful thing. I would love to take LO to Universal Studios for a photo shoot. I've never been to the HP castle. I wanted to go when I was pregnant but I was too scared to ride rides and miscarry. But it is $89 per person and LO won't remember or be able to ride rides. WWYD? Anyone with theme park experience?

Edit to add: Maybe we will use a zoom background to take a family photo in front of Hogwarts. It's cheaper and ongoing pandemic, yadda yadda. LO and I have a cold from our visit to IKEA a week ago and it sucks teaching with a sore throat. I hate that I used to have a well-heeled immune system and now I feel susceptible to everything. On the upside, my university is paying for weekly COVID screening.

We found a Harry Potter zip up PJ in LO's size at the local Children's Orchard (secondhand). That was the nucleus. I have a Hufflepuff cardigan and tank top. Bought DH a Ravenclaw tshirt. Bought LO a scarf, temporary tattoo scar, lens less glasses and a broom. And an owl stuffie. Not that we're going anywhere. It's all about the social media post. 🤣 Got a green doggie t-shirt and a Slytherin iron-on patch.

Activities at 18m: Swinging, sweeping, play kitchen, car ramp, car races, duplos, dominos, shape sorter, wooden blocks, puppet show, little people farm, water table, bathtime, rubber ducks, musical instruments (drum, maracas, xylophone, castanets), cash register, scooter, tricycle, stroller walk, exercise ball, foam ball, 4 square ball, stacking cups, blankets (I agree with you the laundry folding is a disaster) or handkerchief / bananas.

I WFH and I'm with LO 24/7. Not bragging. We also watch dog or cat TV with animals. He doesn't love messy, mealtime is messy enough. Chia pudding, cottage cheese, soft fruits, puree in pouch, etc is mushy and sensory stimulation.

I have headphones. Also LO likes some independent play as long as at other times he has my full attention so I try to be mindful of that. I am a "tunnel vision" type person when I'm at the computer so it's actually kind of hard to keep an eye and an ear on LO. We have lots of gates so I can confine him to different areas (garage, garden, kitchen, livingroom, upstairs, bedroom A, bedroom B. I have a lot of work that I can do on my phone in Google Docs so I try to reserve some tasks for Multitasking and some tasks when I really need quiet for when DH can take LO to the park, the mall or just out for a drive. There aren't many of those. I'm getting to be much less of a perfectionist. LO is in most if not all of my videos, chattering away and playing. I also babywear, still breastfeeding, so he gets to nap "on" me and I can catch a few hours of productivity that way if he nurses to sleep.

Sept 17: I had such a rough morning yesterday. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I called 3 people. The third person picked up. It was my mom. She asked if I started disciplining LO yet. She said at 1 year old, we can do 1 minute "time outs." It caught me off guard, which pulled me out of my panic attack, which I guess was what I was looking for. But now I can't stop thinking that I'm doing it wrong by not implementing punishment. Phew. I'm feeling better today.

Sept 20: We have our 18m pediatrician visit today. I have bittersweet feelings. I thought my mom would be here. She decided not to visit. I thought LO would be in daycare 1 year ago but with this ongoing pandemic, he is still at home with me 24/7. I had a goal of breastfeeding 6 months. We're still going strong. I am praying that LO is on track for all his growth benchmarks. LO is so adorable and snuggly. I didn't know what it would be like to be a mom, but I love it.

I have not had a menstrual cycle yet. I am tracking PMS each month, about 26 days apart but no Aunt Flo.

Sept 25: Husband rant! I am just too tired to write it. Just feeling ranty. Why? I am exhausted enough to take LO out for a walk and chant "my husband is garbage" for 25 minutes. I thought a walk would help me let go of the resentment but it was still there the whole time and still there when I got back. I think it may be time to put LO in day care because mommy needs a break. 

We are in the process of buying our condo (that we currently live in) which sounds easy but actually has involved lots of hoop-jumping. DH is doing most of the phone calls and paperwork but I'm doing all the cooking, cleaning, childcare, shopping, appointments, and tidying. And working from home. 

I guess we decided to delay childcare for many reasons: cost, LO's age, illness. I don't know how many closing costs we have left to pay and what our monthly budget will look like when/if we transition from renting to paying a mortgage. I think we will eventually put LO in day care or preschool but we want to wait until our finances are more established and predictable. Also, COVID fears and unvaccinated LO is still a thing. Now LO is older than 18m, I hoped the on-campus daycare would call us, but so far it's radio silence. I know they are open but we are on the waitlist.

I felt like I could "do it all" but I am having such negative emotions when its SATURDAY and DH is ASLEEP in the same room where LO is whining and I'm trying to work. Come on Dad and give me a break. Or at the very least don't be in the same room NOT DOING anything to help. Ugh.

Oh it was a day long struggle. He said I need to more clearly communicate my needs. He said it is unreasonable for me to ask for him to care for LO every weekend from now until the end of the semester. He said I need to make a list of specific tasks and prioritize them and sit down and communicate that to him. 

I said, what if you make the to do list and prioritize it and communicate that to me. I think he started to see the hidden burden of doing all the programming and being the cruise director. I don't know if we have found a solution to our conflict. But I did stand up for myself. I think sometimes I don't say anything because I don't want to argue. He said I was being immature for letting myself get so upset and boiling over. But every time I ask for more from him, he pushes back. So if I want more, I cannot keep brushing it under the rug. I have to push.

Sept 26: Self Care Sunday! Heading to "Junk in the Trunk" no-sale swap meet. Cleaned all reusable water bottles we weren't using out of the cupboard. More room for coffee cups. Got rid of a bike rack and a pack n play that were taking up space in the garage.