thrashed

 I feel like I'm taking a beating this semester. I feel like I've bent over backwards so many times that I've become a pretzel woman. Just when I think I can't take any more, I have more to deal with and I deal with it. I'm not proud of it. I wish it weren't happening. I don't want to be some kind of wonder woman. I actually want to be able to enjoy my life, do and be less, and be present in the here and now.

What we're doing is juggling our kid back and forth between my husband and I. I have no classes on Monday so I have the kid all day. We go out in the morning to our workout, maybe do some shopping or run other errands, come home and take a nap. I try to knock out some work in the morning and during the nap. I try to knock out a load of dishes and laundry in the morning. The afternoon is kind of a blur with trying to get the kid to eat and maybe preparing dinner or doing a bit more work.

Tuesday is the worst most difficult day of the week. I have the early morning to prepare for classes. I have a morning class that I try to align my son's nap with. Usually it works. Then I have a tiny break to eat lunch and take the kid and dog for a walk. Then I have my afternoon class. Then I have a tiny break, which may involve another nap or at least a rest from Zoom. Then I do office hours and then head out to my night lab. After this day, my neck is killing me and my eyes are burning from all the screen time.

Wednesday I try to do some work, either preparing for class or grading. I have a mid-day lab. I load up the kid in the stroller and walk him over to campus. I drop him off with his dad and then teach my lab. It's a bit stressful because I've never taught this particular lab before so I don't know the details of the procedures or where the equipment is. Thank goodness my kid is conditioned to take in some screen time in the morning so that I can get some work done. He has a capacity for independent play that is a few hours per day. But also thank goodness for the baby carriers and wraps. Getting him to sleep on me allows me to focus and do some good work for an hour or so.

Thursday I have my morning lecture and a midday break. Thursday afternoon I have another lecture. Sometimes my husband is able to come home and sometimes not. Sometimes he tells me he is coming home and sometimes he just shows up at the last minute without letting me know whether he will be coming or not. It's disjointed and unreliable and stressful. Because I do have recordings from last year so if my kid is being unruly or throwing up or having a poopy diaper, I can put on the recording temporarily to get back on track. 

Thursday night I sigh a deep breath and I feel like I can breathe again. I feel like a new person. I can enjoy my son and think about what I need to get done over the weekend and just ignore it.

Friday morning I go to a workout. Saturday morning I go to a workout. Sunday morning I go to a workout. These help unlock the knots in my neck. I'm not trying to be in any kind of great shape. I'm trying to have a community. I'm trying to enjoy some sunshine. I'm trying to have a reason to bring my kid to the park.

We recently tried a meal subscription service and it's been a big help taking grocery shopping, planning, hauling, sorting, washing, chopping and cooking off of my plate. But I definitely feel like I'm not sure we're going to survive this semester. Ok maybe that's being dramatic. We are surviving. We are doing well, somewhat. I'm having a hard time keeping up with work. I've told my husband that I need him to take care of the kid all weekend every weekend from here until the end of the semester. He doesn't think I need that much time. He thinks I need like 2 hours per week to get everything done that I need to do. This is crazy. Who can fit an entire full time job into 2 hours?

Every time I ask for more, he really pushes back on me. He just doesn't have more to give. I guess this is when we would bring in more help. It's a matter of free time. If you want more free time, you have to pay for it. Working more, earning more, paying more. Which do you want? More free time or more free money? We've sacrificed all of our free time (and then some) to save money right now. Because we're in the process of buying our condo that we have been renting for 4 years. It's good to be a homebuyer in the long term. But in the short term, this is really painful. I'm thrashed.

I took a selfie this weekend and my skin is just wrecked. I don't really shower or brush my teeth or cut my nails or shave my legs. I have no time for the most basic FUNDAMENTAL self-care. I only take my vitamins because I believe my baby won't get the nutrition he needs if I'm not taking them.

I guess I could say something positive: I love our jogging stroller. It is serving its exact purpose as a mode of transportation. I was thinking today that I love wheels.

September 2021 Thoughts

Sept 5: My mom came for LO's birth, 6m, 12m. I thought she was planning to come every 6m but now that 18m is here, she's backing out. My MIL is undergoing chemo so we probably won't see her until Xmas. I feel sad.

I might cheer myself up by buying $60 worth of crap for Halloween. It's sitting in my Amazon cart. But I know it won't make me feel better. More holidays during COVID. 

LO has a runny nose from our spontaneous trip to IKEA and now of course I'm thinking the worst and feeling disappointed in myself for taking an unnecessary trip.

Stocked up on 3T pjs and size 7 tennis shoes because LO is growing so fast. Of course he can wear 2T separates but the footed onesies are getting hard to zip. His upper back is sticking out. 

He skipped from size 5 shoes right on past 6 in two months time. Thank goodness for Children's Orchard. We got 6 pairs of shoes and 6 pjs for $60. Used but still lots of life.

Sept 6: We hung a bucket swing in the garage. I am so happy because if I have like 30 minutes free during the day (WFH w/ LO) we can swing for a bit without having to go all the way to a park. We live in a townhouse with a detached garage.

September 9: Week 2 of the semester is over. Just 14 more... LO is teething, biting, sniffling, coughing, throwing food and tantrums, climbing on everything. But I am somehow calm and taking it in stride. There are some moments of super cuteness like his scrunched face smile and waving hi and bye to literally everyone. I love this nugget. And I wish he would eat more.

Sept 11: We have a 1 nap per day kiddo who loves sleeping in the carseat. Cue me eating meals parked curbside under the shade with the car running listening to a podcast or working on my phone just so LO can get a 45 minute nap.

Also, for soothing, my kid has taken to want electronic music on repeat. Like one song over and over for 15 minutes. We have [this](https://www.target.com/p/swaddleme-slumber-buddies-elephant-soother/-/A-18819169) one and LO will turn it to the song he likes, the volume he likes, the light setting he likes and then wind down and go to sleep. I feel silly because I sing to him and enjoy singing, but he really seems to relax to the electronic songs more.

Sept 12: It's silly but I got coordinating Halloween costumes for the family. I put everything in the Amazon cart and left it there to think about it. DH  ordered everything. Glad he did because a few items are backordered and one came in the wrong size, necessitating a return/exchange.

It's a Harry Potter theme. LO is Gryffendor, I'm Hufflepuff and DH is Ravenclaw. Maybe I should add a Slytherin dog outfit just to have representation for all the houses. Haha. I got a tiny broom for LO and he has had so much fun sweeping with it. I didn't get wands because I felt it might not be age-appropriate for LO just yet.

I file this under self-care because it's something to look forward to and with this Neverending pandemic, that is a powerful thing. I would love to take LO to Universal Studios for a photo shoot. I've never been to the HP castle. I wanted to go when I was pregnant but I was too scared to ride rides and miscarry. But it is $89 per person and LO won't remember or be able to ride rides. WWYD? Anyone with theme park experience?

Edit to add: Maybe we will use a zoom background to take a family photo in front of Hogwarts. It's cheaper and ongoing pandemic, yadda yadda. LO and I have a cold from our visit to IKEA a week ago and it sucks teaching with a sore throat. I hate that I used to have a well-heeled immune system and now I feel susceptible to everything. On the upside, my university is paying for weekly COVID screening.

We found a Harry Potter zip up PJ in LO's size at the local Children's Orchard (secondhand). That was the nucleus. I have a Hufflepuff cardigan and tank top. Bought DH a Ravenclaw tshirt. Bought LO a scarf, temporary tattoo scar, lens less glasses and a broom. And an owl stuffie. Not that we're going anywhere. It's all about the social media post. 🤣 Got a green doggie t-shirt and a Slytherin iron-on patch.

Activities at 18m: Swinging, sweeping, play kitchen, car ramp, car races, duplos, dominos, shape sorter, wooden blocks, puppet show, little people farm, water table, bathtime, rubber ducks, musical instruments (drum, maracas, xylophone, castanets), cash register, scooter, tricycle, stroller walk, exercise ball, foam ball, 4 square ball, stacking cups, blankets (I agree with you the laundry folding is a disaster) or handkerchief / bananas.

I WFH and I'm with LO 24/7. Not bragging. We also watch dog or cat TV with animals. He doesn't love messy, mealtime is messy enough. Chia pudding, cottage cheese, soft fruits, puree in pouch, etc is mushy and sensory stimulation.

I have headphones. Also LO likes some independent play as long as at other times he has my full attention so I try to be mindful of that. I am a "tunnel vision" type person when I'm at the computer so it's actually kind of hard to keep an eye and an ear on LO. We have lots of gates so I can confine him to different areas (garage, garden, kitchen, livingroom, upstairs, bedroom A, bedroom B. I have a lot of work that I can do on my phone in Google Docs so I try to reserve some tasks for Multitasking and some tasks when I really need quiet for when DH can take LO to the park, the mall or just out for a drive. There aren't many of those. I'm getting to be much less of a perfectionist. LO is in most if not all of my videos, chattering away and playing. I also babywear, still breastfeeding, so he gets to nap "on" me and I can catch a few hours of productivity that way if he nurses to sleep.

Sept 17: I had such a rough morning yesterday. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I called 3 people. The third person picked up. It was my mom. She asked if I started disciplining LO yet. She said at 1 year old, we can do 1 minute "time outs." It caught me off guard, which pulled me out of my panic attack, which I guess was what I was looking for. But now I can't stop thinking that I'm doing it wrong by not implementing punishment. Phew. I'm feeling better today.

Sept 20: We have our 18m pediatrician visit today. I have bittersweet feelings. I thought my mom would be here. She decided not to visit. I thought LO would be in daycare 1 year ago but with this ongoing pandemic, he is still at home with me 24/7. I had a goal of breastfeeding 6 months. We're still going strong. I am praying that LO is on track for all his growth benchmarks. LO is so adorable and snuggly. I didn't know what it would be like to be a mom, but I love it.

I have not had a menstrual cycle yet. I am tracking PMS each month, about 26 days apart but no Aunt Flo.

Sept 25: Husband rant! I am just too tired to write it. Just feeling ranty. Why? I am exhausted enough to take LO out for a walk and chant "my husband is garbage" for 25 minutes. I thought a walk would help me let go of the resentment but it was still there the whole time and still there when I got back. I think it may be time to put LO in day care because mommy needs a break. 

We are in the process of buying our condo (that we currently live in) which sounds easy but actually has involved lots of hoop-jumping. DH is doing most of the phone calls and paperwork but I'm doing all the cooking, cleaning, childcare, shopping, appointments, and tidying. And working from home. 

I guess we decided to delay childcare for many reasons: cost, LO's age, illness. I don't know how many closing costs we have left to pay and what our monthly budget will look like when/if we transition from renting to paying a mortgage. I think we will eventually put LO in day care or preschool but we want to wait until our finances are more established and predictable. Also, COVID fears and unvaccinated LO is still a thing. Now LO is older than 18m, I hoped the on-campus daycare would call us, but so far it's radio silence. I know they are open but we are on the waitlist.

I felt like I could "do it all" but I am having such negative emotions when its SATURDAY and DH is ASLEEP in the same room where LO is whining and I'm trying to work. Come on Dad and give me a break. Or at the very least don't be in the same room NOT DOING anything to help. Ugh.

Oh it was a day long struggle. He said I need to more clearly communicate my needs. He said it is unreasonable for me to ask for him to care for LO every weekend from now until the end of the semester. He said I need to make a list of specific tasks and prioritize them and sit down and communicate that to him. 

I said, what if you make the to do list and prioritize it and communicate that to me. I think he started to see the hidden burden of doing all the programming and being the cruise director. I don't know if we have found a solution to our conflict. But I did stand up for myself. I think sometimes I don't say anything because I don't want to argue. He said I was being immature for letting myself get so upset and boiling over. But every time I ask for more from him, he pushes back. So if I want more, I cannot keep brushing it under the rug. I have to push.

Sept 26: Self Care Sunday! Heading to "Junk in the Trunk" no-sale swap meet. Cleaned all reusable water bottles we weren't using out of the cupboard. More room for coffee cups. Got rid of a bike rack and a pack n play that were taking up space in the garage.

August 2021 thoughts

Aug 2: It costs $175 for a virtual lactation consult. I cannot seem to find any in person La Leche League meeting. Arrgh COVID.

I think my mastitis is gone. I have been off antibiotics for a week. But there is still a red patch under my nipple on the areola. And there is a gaping crack. Like a little talking puppet mouth. I think that's how I got the mastitis in the first place, not by a clogged duct.

I find it so difficult to advocate for myself. I need help with this. Friends and family ask, "how's the mastitis?" And I say, "it's better." But I don't know what to do now. It's clearly not gone. I mean the cause is still there even if the infection is gone.

Also I have this terrible vasospasm now. After every feed my nipple turns white and painful. And my whole breast hurts as it refills. Happy World Breastfeeding Week!

My husband's idea is for me to quit breastfeeding. But unfortunately it's not a simple lightswitch. Maybe as I'm typing this, I'm convincing myself more and more that I do need professional help.

The IBCLC recommended medi-honey, which I didn't know was a thing, to speed up wound healing. So I will start that today. She had LOTS of helpful suggestions.

Aug 4: Talking on the phone today, my mom said, "I just don't see how you can hold for all naps." I explained that I'm "one and done" and I happen to enjoy the cuddles. Also I am very productive working on my phone. I can write things in Google Docs or Slides, I can send and receive emails, I can read. Wish my mom could understand.

My LO has always BF to sleep and is crap at transferring. So I just make sure to reserve tasks that can be done under a sleeping kiddo for naptime. The other option is carrier naps, which can sometimes happen but are not guaranteed. My least favorite option is cosleep in a bed, after LO is asleep, it's possible to at least use the restroom and/or do some stretching or foam rolling on the floor next to the bed. We SO rarely use the crib. I keep thinking he'll eventually want to sleep independently. Maybe we'll just turn the crib into a toddler bed by removing the rail.

Aug 10: DH has been driving me up the wall lately. The term for it is "weaponized incompetence." Doesn't know what to feed LO. Doesn't know when mealtimes are.  Doesn't change a diaper without being asked or reminded. Doesn't make grocery list. Doesn't do any cooking. Doesn't watch LO while I cook. Just feeling tired and worried about how I'll manage when school resumes Aug 30th. I'm returning at 87% of full-time. Fully online. No childcare.

Correction: due to amendments to my schedule, I am at 93% of full time. OMG 14 units. One prep I have never done before.

DH tends to overestimate his contribution to tasks. We got the book and card deck "Fair Play" and it was interesting that most of his tasks were fun and most of mine were drudgery. And he claimed to help with things that I feel responsible for. I am doing kid-free workouts in the evenings now and I totally look forward to that 2 hours. DH puts on a TV show. He doesn't interact with LO. But I have to just let it be. I'm not perfect.

Ugggh. Parks. When the restrooms are supposed to be open but someone locks themselves in there for an hour. When there is a splash pad but the water is not reliable. When there is trash everywhere and my kid is obsessed with picking up every piece of plastic that doesn't belong. It's been a morning y'all.

And my LO, bless him, doesn't transfer well so I'm sitting in the car in an open parking lot under a shade tree with the car running just so he can get a full nap. The park was only a 9 minute drive from our house.

Aug 11: Why is my LO obsessed with my moles lately? There's one on my belly and one on my arm and he loves to grab and pull them. I try not to react, redirect or block but it's like super soothing for him and he throws a tantrum if I don't allow him to play with it. He's returned to a major grabbing and pulling stage in general. I can't do a back carry without him getting a handful of my hair. I also have to protect the dog. Thank goodness for the "learning tower" which was perfect for keeping LO busy while I was in the kitchen this morning.

I had a vision board for 2021. It was a piece of cardboard with magazine clippings glued to it. My LO really loved ripping off the glossy images. So much so that I am considering making a new one (the original is completely destroyed). Just for LO to rip.

Aug 17: Starting to prepare for a return to work after having the entire summer off. I feel sick at the thought. We have decided to juggle LO between myself and my husband. It works because we work at the same University which is right across the street from our house. But I feel LO is so needy and aggressive when he doesn't have my attention, I don't know how we'll manage. I'm praying the campus day care has a spot for us. They take 18 months and older. That's one month from now.

I will be teaching 4 classes. Three I've done before, all virtual. One is new and it's in person. I am praying that nobody brings COVID into the classroom, which I'm pretty sure is the same prayer that every parent whose kids are going back to school is praying right now. I know life has to go back to normal eventually. But I've never had to balance work and parenting and a pandemic before. I feel like I'm failing at adulting.

Aug 23: Milestone Monday: Stairs. He's getting better at going down. Up is no problem but down is happening now. Kind of a butt-scoot situation. Can do it without sitting if holding someone's hand. So cute.

Last night LO was "moonwalking" from one room into another repeatedly. So funny!

Aug 25: OMG we bought a Amazon Kindle Fire 7 for the kiddo. It keeps him from whining for my phone. It's a bigger screen and has that big case so he can hold it comfortably. So far I like it. I wish there was a better way to filter the content. It's hard to navigate.

Aug 26: NBR

I had a meltdown over zoom with a colleague who tried to mansplain. Now I am experiencing an emotional hangover. I would not have stood up for myself like I did today prior to becoming a mom. This colleague was treating me like a subordinate even though we are equals. I am so sick of being accused of being "defensive" like it's a bad thing. If someone is bullying me, I will defend myself. Momma bear on the loose!

Aug 28: Had my BFF from high school over for 4 hours with her DH and two LOs who are 4 and 5 years old. It was wow loud. It's great to have her  in my life, she is moving back to SoCal from FL. I hope we can find a way for our families to coexist because this first visit was rough.

Aug 28: Sunday night 11pm. Can't stop scrolling. School starts tomorrow. Ugh. LO is sleeping so sweetly. His scent is everything.

July 2021 thoughts

July 2: Took LO to IKEA. Best Friday night. Made it farther than last visit. LO sat in the high chair and ate a bunch of things from the cafeteria. We got some bins and trays to organize our junk drawer and the cabinet below it because LO is obsessed with it and its full of potentially dangerous stuff and as of now, LO puts things in the drawer but soon I imagine he will take things out too.

July 4: For about 6 months after LO was born, I needed at least 3 servings of chocolate per day. I am not usually a dessert person and never considered myself a chocoholic.

We're leaving tomorrow for our cross country flights. I am a nervous Nelly! We are packed as much as I can think of what we will need. We're staying 10 days before we come back home.

Part of me is worried about DH. Even though I know he's a grown man. I've been WFH for a year and a half. I would say I've been a SAHM but I also taught university courses at 70% of full time. We, like many people, have been cooking at home and watching streaming services at home and doing projects at home...safer at home. I guess I'm having re-entry stress.

DH goes back to work "full time" starting Tuesday. He's been "on call" since the start of lockdown a.k.a LO's birthday. I just know things will be different when I get back from this trip. LO might be starting day care when school resumes... depending on COVID and availability. 

I don't know what I'm actually worried about. Maybe just fear of change, in general.

We are traveling to my parents' house on Monday. 2 planes. A 3 hr layover. Over 7 hours traveling. I am tentatively packed and trying to hope for the best. DH is not coming. Just me & LO.

July 16: First time being treated for mastitis. Diagnosed by teledoc. Really wish I could go to a La Leche League meeting and talk to other breastfeeding women. COVID is still ruining stuff. 😷😒

How I got mastitis: Combination of LO chewing and some dermatitis and some traveling and maybe fewer showers and also forgetting to take lecithin and wearing a sports bra for 3 days in a row at my parents' house where there was no working shower or laundry. I am definitely regretting my life choices. And LO has a cough and seems pretty miserable today. Boo hoo.

Trip recap: On the way there, the flights were timed with naps so he slept on the flights. 1st flight was 1h 45min. 2nd flight was 1h 20min and he was awake but chill for the last half hour, but very chill. On the way back our 1st flight was 3h. He was awake the first half and slept the second half. The 2nd flight was only 40min. He was very snuggly and watched Netflix with his headphones the entire time. I know we'll never do a "lap child" flight ever again. It was a good experience. 

I also had an anxiety moment, stuck on the runway in Vegas and there was no AC on the plane. Don't know how long, maybe 10 minutes while they were refueling, but it felt like forever. It got hot fast and I felt so icky in the mask and with a hot baby on my lap.

Most people didn't want to sit in our row but the folks who did all had kids at home and were super nice. Parent solidarity was a fun new feeling. This was a big trip out into the world. I am still processing all of it.

My mom complained about me putting the kid down for naps and having bedtime before dark. She constantly says that HER children (me) didn't nap and I'm like wondering if it is just that she never put us down! I would advocate that moms shod do whatever they need to do to stay healthy. I skipped out on self-care during my 10 day visit with family and suffered for a week afterwards. In hindsight, I wish I had put my needs a little higher.

July 17: We are officially in the climbing phase. Set up a baby gym in the living room. Stairs, ramp, tunnel, etc. 

I'm still suffering from mastitis. LO is developing a cough. He doesn't want solids, just nursing, which is probably best to help clear up this situation in my breast. It was nice to see family but it sucks that we are sick from the trip.

LO is finally getting the hang of waving bye-bye and it is the cutest thing ever. We hardly ever said hello or goodbye to anyone prior to this trip. He is also much better at nodding yes or no when we offer him things. He puts out a little hand and makes a sound when he wants something. Kind of like "Meh."

July 20: I've completed 4 days of cephalexin for mastitis. LO has a raspy cough. I am trying to stay away from obsessive googling. I suck at resting but I am giving it my best effort. LO is normal in terms of his capacity for play and intake of solids and wet diapers, no fever, so we haven't taken him to the pediatrician. My husband was ON CALL for all of the pandemic until now. So it's harder to keep LO busy all day here at home. I don't want to take him out because of spreading germs. I hate that COVID cases are spiking again. I hate that LO isn't immunized. I hate that there's only one month left of summer break.

Our landlord called a week ago to let us know that they are considering selling our condo. We rent. So we have been scrambling to get pre-approval for a loan. All I can do now is pray that they will sell it to us for a price we can afford. If not, we might be able to keep renting here, rent elsewhere or buy elsewhere. The thought of moving doesn't terrify me. Maybe COVID has acclimated me to an uncertain future.

July 23: I feel like it's time to unfollow and unsubscribe from all the baby-related accounts. They do have some toddler-relevant info sometimes but I don't want to be reminded of pregnancy and the 4th trimester when I'm chasing around a busy 16 month old. 

On a positive note, I feel like LO's cough is getting better. Maybe his teething pain is letting up. No fever so I'm gonna guess it wasn't COVID. My mastitis is feeling better but I do think I'm experiencing some vasospasm due to "nipple trauma." I can't make this up. Thankfully one breast is still normal so I tell myself that eventually the wonky one will go back to that.

Our HOA finally opened the swimming pool for the summer. They had said it was closed due to COVID. We have a floatie and I'm so excited to get LO back in the water. He kicked around in a floatie a bunch last summer but we stopped going to the pool once Fall classes started. Our pool isn't heated. 

This week I kept LO indoors becuse his cough makes it pretty obvious he is sick. But it's been rough feeling imprisoned in our home. My fitness instructor said the cough can linger for weeks after they aren't contagious anymore. She encouraged me to come back to in-person classes. But with COVID cases on the rise among unvaccinated people, I didn't want to be responsible for passing along whatever this is to any other moms or babies in our group. We picked it up traveling cross-country with 2 planes.

July 24: Got a play kitchen. So far, so fun!

July 26: Broke out the Duplos.

July 28: I feel like becoming a mom has helped me be comfortable with vulnerability. I feel like I can live more emotionally exposed and not worry about what people will think.

I wish I had more agency. I wish I could be more authentic. I wish I could be louder and more goofy and more open to making new friends.

COVID sucks. Cancer sucks. Mastitis sucks. I won't see MIL until Christmas 2021 because she's having chemo for pancreatic cancer. She refused to see us after a debacle last Thanksgiving (Nov 2020) and I hate that we are politically polar opposites. My mom had been coming out to see LO every 6 months. Her next visit would have been Sept 2021 but with this spike in COVID cases, and how I just visited her, I don't think she'll be out for LO's 1.5 year bday. I feel lonely because LO has been sick since we got back from our trip, I don't know if it is COVID, so we've been quarantining for 2 weeks. I am trying to stay cool and avoid Dr. Google. DH is back to being on campus 40 hr/wk and I am doing the SAHM thing. Every day is full. I feel like I'm solving puzzles trying to fit in meals, naps, fitness, learning activities and meeting everyone's needs.

How do you travel?

Prebaby: Car-free. Trains + bicycle. Can't tell you how many hotels we checked into with our luggage on our bikes. Packed light. Most days outdoors.

Postbaby: Minivan. Pack all the things. Day trips to the beach. Weekends "away" at hotels within 1-2 hour drive of home. Day hikes with baby in carrier. Bike rides with baby on bike. Lots of stroller walks. It's not as eco-friendly but I'm not super comfortable taking transit with baby. Too much risk of getting stranded somewhere. I will say that the hotel experience is significantly diminished in the COVID era. No pool, no breakfast, no fitness room, no dining. It's not worth it IMHO.

July 29: Watching a show about peanut butter. Thought about how peanuts are a crop. Thought spiral about sustainability and climate change. This [NYT](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/18/style/modern-love-fathers-day-where-are-all-the-wild-things.html) article really hit me in the gut.

Packing List

Carryon

1) Umbrella stroller 

2) Yoga mat strap 

3) Pink backpack (diaper bag)

4) crackers 

5) cherrios 

6) infinity scarf (didn't use)

7) diapers 

8) wipes 

9) changing pad 

10) extra clothes for Albert 

11) Phone charger 

12) toys 

13) ergo carrier 

14) birth certificate 

15) masks (2)

16) proof of vaccines 

Mom

1) underwear 

2) socks 

3) walking shoes

4) flip flops 

5) yoga pants 

6) sweat pants 

7) tank tops

8) bras 

9) toiletry bag 

10) headphones (didn't use)

11) fitness equipment 

12) swimsuit (didn't use)

13) hat 

14) Tylenol/vitamins 

15) long-shirt (didn't use)

Albie

1) short outfits (3) 

2) long pants (2) 

3) short onesies (3) 

4) footie pjs (2) 

5) socks (4) 

6) sandals 

7) reusable pouches 

8) ring sling 

9) swimsuit / water shoes / swim diaper 

Wish I had brought

1) nail clippers / file for mom and Albert

2) mom's socks

3) garment bag for dirty laundry

4) more different bras and mesh bag for washing bra

5) shampoo / conditioner

This was for a 10-day trip to see and stay with family. We took a plane so your list might be different if you're driving. Snacks I brought included goldfish and veggie straws. The best toy was a dimple-like silicone [thingy like this](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0953P4TPV/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_1K5SA2NZGNYP7H4KK7M1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1).

We were 3 hours early. It was a bit unnecessary but made checking bags, printing boarding passes, and getting through security very stress-free. LO was in a carrier. I brought an umbrella stroller with a shoulder strap. Gate checked stroller, which was super-easy. Backpack-style diaper bag. 

Let LO walk for ~1 hour prior to flight. ~30 min of strolling. Slept on flight. Repeat for layover.

Edit to add: kiddo was a lap child. DH not with us. My sister loaned us a carseat at our destination.

June 2021 thoughts

June 7: Pushing rolling things around the house is big time fun now. A bar cart, a scooter and the learning walker. Even though he can walk unassisted and even run, pushing stuff is paramount these days.

He is really into opening and closing doors and does a really cute little shuffle when I remind him to "watch your feet" so the door doesn't scratch him. He scoots his little feet back ever so slightly before moving the door.

We have had to move all trash cans up on top of stools because he loves stashing stuff in there like his toys and our shoes. As others have said there is a constant mixing of clean and dirty laundry that can get confusing and results in larger loads getting washed just to be sure.

Our pediatrician had to reschedule the 15 month appointment and now it's going to be at 16 months plus 4 days. What happens at that one?

June 9: LO is doing a cute hand gesture these days. Kind of hand opening and closing. Don't know what he thinks it means but if we do it to him, he will do it back. If he starts doing it, and we do it back, he cracks up. Silly monkey.

June 10: Vulnerable feelings alert! I'm scared about getting in shape / period returning / stopping breastfeeding / starting daycare / Albert growing up. I feel like I can't tell anyone because they might say, it's natural, get over it. I feel like I can't talk about it to my husband because he has to absorb my constant drama. 

I want to lose this belly pooch but I worry about cutting calories and not making enough milk. Likewise for period returning (which hasn't happened yet). Please no advice. I am trying to process these feelings. It's like making my LO my top priority for so long, it scares me to move myself as a higher priority. 

We are on a waitlist for day care for fall but I'm already starting to worry about it. Sharing in case anyone else is out there quietly feeling this way. It seems most people in this group have already crossed these thresholds, so I haven't posted here because I didn't want to seem behind the curve. 

I am holding on to this baby because we are one and done. I didn't expect to enjoy motherhood this much and I didn't give much thought to how I would balance working and parenting because our Reproductive Endocrinologist gave us a 50% chance of a live birth. It felt like flipping a coin. My husband was betting it would work and I was betting it wouldn't.

I am doing my best to embrace the change. Also working out harder is making my C-section scar hurt a bit and it makes me remember labor and makes me wonder if I could have had a vaginal delivery if only I had tried harder. What? Seriously I gotta get out of my head.

June 14: He pretended to blow his nose in a tissue. So cute!

June 16: Took baby for a hike. RIP my neck, trunk, arms, legs, etc. I tried to go to sleep but I was so hungry I had to sneak down and have a late night snack. It was only 3 miles and I babywear quite a bit, but I guess hiking is just that much different. LO was in a Deuter hiking backpack. Last time we took LO for a hike, he was 8 months old. Back then DH wore LO and I just walked. Today I wore him the whole hike. He did very well today but wow am I exhausted.

June 19: Me: sees a picture of an 8 year old

Also me: crying because LO will eventually be 8 years old

June 22: Me: I wonder why my left hip hurts...

Also me: At the store. Doing laundry. Gardening. Cooking. Walking on the beach. Carries LO on my left hip.

Infertility Babies: I am simultaneously wanting another child and feeling jealous of fellow bumpers who are pregnant or already have a 2nd, 3rd or 4th. But also feeling like I have my hands full now with one 15 month old. And still breastfeeding. And had a C-section. So like aren't I supposed to wait 18 months before even trying to get pregnant?

We do not plan to have another child. There is no way I would go through IVF again at my age (40). I hate it when people say, "you can't have an only child. He needs a sibling." But yes if it happens, I would love another. But no, I'm not actively trying. 

But yes, the TTC threads on my bumper group are super triggering for so many reasons! I selfishly want to have a second labor so I can have a better birth experience. The first one sucked except for the fact that both me and the baby survived.

Side note: I am starting to get fit again and doing scar massage and I think a lot about my birth experience and feel lots of regrets about it. My baby was born during a set of difficult circumstances. I don't feel entitled to a "do over" because I know it could end up the same or worse the 2nd time. And also it's crazy to want to "do over" birth and newborn stage right? You still gotta raise the baby for many years after that. I just don't know how to heal from my birth experience (after IVF) and immediate lockdown because of COVID. My son was born 3/14/20.

Summer is Over

Realizing I have not posted in July or August and wondering "where did the time go?"

home economics

The funny thing about all this is that most of these are a "break even" situation. Also it's not "either/or" but instead it's "and." If I can say one thing about preparing for a baby: you don't know what you don't know. You learn continually and adapt so there are no absolutes that work forever.

Taking a tally of what we spent to get up to speed with cloth diapers vs. what we would have spent if we did disposables full time

No matter what : $65

Changing Pad $30

Changing table $35

Disposable only : $914

Hanging organizer $20

wipes $3.00 × 12 = $36

Genie $20 x 2 = $40

Refills $7 x 30 = $210

size 0 (36 pack) $5

size 1 (196 pack) $40

size 2 (76 pack) $26

size 4 (180 pack) $46 x 11 = $495

Wipes (11 packs) $13.98 x 3 = $42

Cloth only : $626

Affresh (3 pc) $7 x 2 = $14

Toilet Sprayer Kit $30

SprayMate Kit $42

style A 6 x $12 = $72

Inserts (6 pack) $15

style B) 6 x $12 = $72

Used Lot $225

Covers (10) $43.00

Covers (10) $9.00

FSTs (15 pc) $16 x 2 = $32

FSTs (4 pc) $4 x 7 = $28

Bamboo cloths (12 pc) 2 x $12 = $24

Octopus hanger $5 x 4 = $20

Taking into account what we would have spent in formula versus breastfeeding and associated technology

Either way : $256

Burp Cloth 4 x $15 = $60

Bottle Warmer $70

Sterilizer and Dryer $100

5 oz Bottle Set (3 pack) $11

8 oz Bottle Set (3 pack) $15

Breastfeeding only : $601

My Brest Friend pillow $17

Manual Pump $30

Electric Pump $300

Bags (100 ct) $15.00 x 2 = $30

Tubing $19 x 2 = $38

Breast Shield $15 x 3 = $45

Membranes $5 x 2 = $10

Valves $7 x 3 = $21

Car Adapter $8

Connectors $12 x 3 = $36

Pumping Bra $33 x 2 = $66

Formula only : $3330

$37 per can x 6 cans/month x 15 months

Taking into account how much it costs to buy baby food versus making it yourself and associated technology

Either way : $16

High chair $10

Bibs $4

Spoons $2

Homemade : $395

Immersion blender $50

Miniprep $50

Food processor $200

Portion containers (50) $15

Silicone mold $15

Pouches (6) $15

Dishes $50

Pre-made : $1369

5 x 365 days x $0.75 

So I guess I spent a bunch on cloth diapers but I have like 3 times as many as I would actually need. I have 3 redundant "systems" that are different.

But it seems like breastfeeding and homemade baby food are clear winners even though they have a fair amount of technological cost to get going. I had a goal of breastfeeding for 6 months. Then I had a goal of making it to a year. My current goal is to make it to 2 years or whenever weaning occurs naturally.

One argument I get from my husband is that washing cloth diapers (and perhaps the associated tools for making our own baby food) add to the water and power bill. Comparing the year without a baby to our first year with baby, the bills were consistently higher with baby.

July 2020 $252 ($54 more)
Sept 2020 $536 ($144 more)
Nov 2020 $386 ($169 more)
Jan 2021 $174 ($13 more)
Mar 2021 $171 ($36 more)
May 2021 $219 ($8 more)

Total for 1 year ($424 more)

I wonder if this is true for everyone who was quarantined (working from home) during the pandemic though. I know we used to turn our thermostat up during the day when we were working out of the house and then turn it back down only at night. Now that we're home all day every day, we keep it running more during the day when we're here. The air conditioning I mean.

top left drawer (AIOs), changing pad

top right drawer (pockets), clean & dirty clothes

middle left drawer (fitteds & covers)

bottom left drawer (wetbags, sheets, wipes)