women's history month

I am sitting here in office hours and before this I was staring at my reflection in the mirror and I was struck by how I don't look like a professor. I mean, when I think of a professor, I think of someone wearing a tweed suit with suede elbow patches in an imposing leather chair. But I'm wearing jeans, sneakers and a lularoe shirt. Partly because I live in California, and I don't think tweed is something that gets worn here ever due to the weather being so nice. But partly because the dress code here at CSUN isn't a thing. Some people dress like they just rolled out of a dumpster. Which is fine by me. 

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Pinterest thinks my fashion style is Dark Academia, which I didn't even know was a thing. But it is kind of how I picture a professor dressing.

When I worked at Claremont, I did wear clothing that could be classified as Dark Academia, but it was certainly more colorful than this. I don't wear muted colors very often.

I'm thinking about Women's History Month and the contributions of women to academia and STEM fields. I'm thinking about why more women don't want to enter academia or if they do, sometimes how they get pushed out. I'm thinking about my own biases and concepts of what a professor should look like and how it causes me to feel some cognitive dissonance when I AM a professor but my reflection in the mirror doesn't look like what I think a professor SHOULD look like. It's a mind trip!

I'm thinking of classism, sexism, racism, homophobia, and wage gaps. I'm thinking of how teachers are expected to make teaching their vocation, excluding any possibility of having a life outside of work. How we are expected to work all the time, making it difficult to balance raising a family and maintaining friendships.

https://www.cta.org/about-us/history

Expectations of society: You may not dress in bright colors, dye your hair, or wear short skirts. You must clean the schoolhouse. You can't leave town. You can't go on dates or go downtown. You have to go to bed early. You can not have a spouse. Yeah. I've read that teachers were once highly paid, but then someone got the great idea to let women do it, and the reason was that women would do more work for less pay than men.

I'm not even sure what the point of this blog post is, but I know I watched the movie "Nyad" last night and it was so powerful. She was so determined and didn't accept that she wasn't strong or young enough to do something that had never been done before. And she was willing to fail hugely before succeeding even though society wasn't very supportive of sponsoring someone her age.

I just have to remember that I AM MAKING HISTORY right now. By existing as a woman in STEM. By wearing bright colors as a teacher. By providing an alternative to the pale male and stale professor tropes for the next generation, to possibly see themselves in acadmia. Like Diana Nyad, I'm doing it.

New Semester, New Wardrobe

I had started making purchases for this semester before it started, so here's a list of what I bought in order of how much I love it and how much it has helped me.

Kelly Bag with matching Pumparoo $39 = new $160. This is a game-changer. I would say if you're thinking about getting a pumping bag but you don't know how long you'll be pumping, this one is awesome even for just going to work. The pump compartment is a cooler so I can put my lunch in there and not have to take a separate bag. Then when I get to work, I flatten that compartment and put all my work stuff in there and it all fits. Then at the end of the day, I put all my dirty dishes in the main compartment and it all fits. Amazing! If I were to change the design at all, I would love to have a chest clip and some reflective details, but I'll work on adding that stuff myself.

Simple Joys by Carter's Baby Everyday Diaper Backpack, I got this off Buy Nothing for Free = $50 new. This is my new fav diaper bag. I love how it clips on to the stroller. I love the wipes pocket on the side. It's a great park bag.

Signature by Levi Strauss & Co. Gold Label Women's Size Totally Shaping Pull-On Skinny Jeans
Levi's $111 for 4 pairs (size 20) definitely follow the size chart, do not go by what size Amazon recommends for you! I had to send the first pair back for a refund. So far I haven't put them in the dryer but husband did and it didn't seem to ruin it. The waistband wasn't exactly right, but it got into place once I put them on. I can't speak to durability at this point since it's only week 2 but I can say that I don't dread getting dressed in the morning. I throw on one of these and go.

Latched Mama Snuggle Up Nursing Sweatshirt 2x/3x $58. I am using this WAY more than I thought I would. I absolutely love it and so does Albert. I can put him in there either forward or rear facing. It's been colder than usual with some days in the 30s and I can wear him to school so he stays nice and warm and cozy and I don't have to worry about him freezing in the stroller.

I never regret anything I buy from Latched Mama. I'm already using the vest daily and I love it. I did get some holiday-specific stuff which I packed away until next year. I do feel like a crazy person for it, but also I get so many compliments on the snuggle-up.

I can't believe I almost forgot to write about these new shoes. I love them so much. I realized after a bit of shopping that it's better to know the number of this year's (latest) model and then shop specifically for last year's. That's how I found the Ghost 14 for the cheapest. The other two are "this year" models, but I couldn't find the previous year models in my size. They were sold out.

One of my colleagues asked me, "where are your crazy pants?" I guess I was becoming notorious for the LuLaRoe pants with wild prints. I don't mind, of course.

My workout pants that I love are
CRZ YOGA Women's Naked Feeling High Waisted Yoga Pants with Pockets Workout Leggings Camo - 25 Inches Camo Multi 16 25'' X-Large

They also make shorts
CRZ YOGA Women's Naked Feeling Long Biker Shorts - 10'' High Waist Workout Yoga Gym Running Spandex Shorts Side Pockets Stone-Washed Indigo X-Large

I have both 10" inseam and 8" inseam. I kind of like the shorter ones because they let my knees cool down. But both are great! People in my life keep complaining about their yoga pants and I can't say enough good things about these. I've had the pants for 2 years and I wash and dry them with all my other laundry (no special treatment) and they are so durable.

News and Reviews

Update to Month of Mama. Reviewing items now that I've had a chance to put them into action.

Velvet Disney Ears 10/10

New shoes 10/10

F4M swag 10/10

Zyia running belt 10/10

SheFit bras as swimsuits 10/10 

I also got a skirt from Five Below and two bottoms off Amazon. I also got a clip tank from SheFit. I want to see how it works and it was discounted by 50% regularly $45.

CRZ YOGA feeling naked biker shorts. 10" love them. Just ordered 2 pairs of the 8" inseam.

Kindred Bravely Simply Sublime nursing bra 10/10 and bought a second one in the color Twilight.

I do like the KB Bamboo Nursing & Maternity Tank after all. It is breathable and good to nurse in. 8/10. Because after you wash it, it's confusing to turn right-side out. And if you wash the pants more often than the top, they discolor at a different rate.

I wear KB Everyday Lounge Joggers as much as I can when they are clean. Have not really worn KB Bamboo Maternity & Postpartum Lounge Shorts but it hasn't gotten super hot yet. Maybe I just need to hang them where I can see them. 8/10

Okay so I put on the KB Eleanora Bamboo Maternity & Nursing Lounge Dress in Oatmeal Stripe today and it was not good. The sleeve length was not right. The midsection hugged all my rolls. The pockets didn't lay right. I kinda looked like a pig in a blanket even wearing Spanx underneath. I'm gonna offer it to my sister. 0/10.

Latched Mama floral nursing hoodie. 10/10 Love.

LM Blissful lounge nursing dress. 12/10. I live in this.

Printed pleated nursing dress. 10/10

LM Midi Nursing Tank Dress 10/10. Thin and breathable, comfortable for play. OMG if they were in stock I would buy a second.

LM Pleated nursing dress 10/10

LM Flutter sleeve pleated nursing dress 10/10

LM Nursing midi wrap dress 10/10

LM Maternity Labor Nursing Robe 10/10

OMG what could I say about each of these items? I love them so much and I love myself for buying them. It has elevated my summer wardrobe 1,000,000% and makes it simple and quick to pull a lewk together. They hide all the flaws. They keep me cool. They are perfect for discreely breastfeeding my toddler. LOL as if such a thing exists.

LM Printed V-Neck Nursing Tee 2.0 I am actually obsessed. I would live in this. Flattering. Easy to breastfeed in a carrier. Great for walking around Disneyland. I bought 2 more when they were on sale for $15 off. 

Goodr sunglasses have been a big hit with me and kiddo. The OGs are good for me and the BFGs are perfect for hubbie.

I treated our family to the Fit4Mom Gather meal plan, since it was half-price for May (regularly $17.99). It is a 30-day recipe book with a calendar, snack suggestions and shopping lists. There were some mistakes or ambiguity but I forgive that because it did give me lots of healthy snack ideas for kiddo and some new recipes that were quick, easy and yummy. Gather: A 30-Day Family Nutrition - it is worth full price. I feel like it was more toddler-friendly than Mashup Mom. We got our groceries at ALDI and it was on average $16.27 per day. But if you consider it is HEALTHY and FRESH then it's worth it.

So we have been sitting in the parking lot of the Discovery Cube for an hour because kiddo fell asleep on the way over and I didn't have the heart to wake him up. Thank goodness I filled up the gas tank. Too bad gas is so expensive. This nap is costing us $$$.

Heading to the Color Run this weekend. Hope it is super fun for all 3 of us. Debating whether to bring the stroller on the run or let kiddo walk. He is super into walking now. Got my suitcases out to pack for my Nebraska trip. I know, it's 4 weeks away, but weeks go by fast when you're looking after a toddler every day.

Also, I am obsessed with this Think tinted sunscreen, which of course is sold out.

April 2022 Thoughts

 4/2 - "Is all the shrieking normal toddler stuff bc it's...a lot" Yep. Tasks like opening the sliding glass door, which he absolutely can do, now requires a shriek and parental assistance. I just wear headphones when I can't take it anymore. I can still see/hear him. It just takes the edge off. I try not to react and also encourage him to speak or try to tell me what's wrong.

4/3 - Did our longest bike ride with LO. It was 11.5 miles and his first group ride. He did great and it was so fun showing off my 2 year old to all my friends that I haven't seen due to moving out of that neighborhood and then pandemic. I think some of them didn't even know we have a kid now. LO pooped on the way out but we had time to change diaper and eat at the halfwaypoint. Then he fell asleep for the last few miles. It was so nice to do a group ride again. Now I feel more confident taking kiddo, so looking forward to the next one. We sat on the steering committee for the organization that hosted this ride, which was like paying it forward. This feels like cashing in our chips a bit because instead of marshaling and leading the ride, we got to participate and it was so fun and relaxing. The weather is awesome right now. Morning clouds, afternoon sun, mild and cool.

I share about 5-10 photos weekly on Facebook and maybe 2-3 on Instagram. I think it's unrealistic to think my kid won't have a social media account of his own in the future, but maybe not on those platforms. I don't have a crystal ball. But I do have family and friends throughout the world and I don't mind sharing what we're up to. I want to remember it, too. I have several YouTube channels and a TikTok. They're not ABOUT my kid, but there are videos of my kid on there.

I don't think anyone else posts photos of my kid on their social media, that would be weird. I don't post photos of other people's kids on my platforms. I live in LA and there are actors and models everywhere. You do have to ask people permission to take or post their pictures because they may be under contract. Also, due to all the beautiful people out here chasing fame, you can guarantee that wherever you go, someone IS taking pictures and you (and your kid) will probably be in them.

4/4 - Milestone Monday: I can discern when my child is babbling phrases. Not that anyone else could tell what he means but with context and a trained ear, I can understand generally. Even my parents heard it over Zoom last night, so I know it's not just wishful thinking on my part.

In response to "why are masks still a thing at csun? lol" I think it's because you can choose not to go dining out, or choose not to see a movie, or choose not to participate in other indoor activities, but attending class where the university is pushing for in-person classes to resume, they want to accommodate vulnerable people for whom it would be otherwise unsafe to attend in-person.

My 2 year old wears a mask to daycare, he can't get the vaccine yet. So remember there are still children of students, faculty and staff at-risk. Masks are still required at jails, hospitals, nursing homes, homeless shelters, public transit and even the post office.

The university has purchased large numbers of surgical masks. If you find yourself on campus without a mask, stop by a department office and pick one up.

4/6 - Wondering Wednesday - When will mombrain stop? I left our back door wide open today. It is 94 degrees Fahrenheit. We're in a heat wave. The indoor thermostat was set to 66 degrees. This was an unprecedented fail.

4/7 - Talk it Out Thursday - If men wore bras there would be no removable cups. It is such a pain in the butt to match up and stuff my bras every time I do laundry but my nips are just so visible unless I have the pads in there. I can't help but think men wouldn't stand for this.

4/8 - My husband when taking a sick day when LO is too sick to go to daycare: lays in bed and rests and lets LO turn the house upside-down like a category 4 hurricane.

Me when taking a sick day when LO is too sick to go to daycare: oh great, a day to catch up on all the housework that I have been wanting to do. Washes 3 loads of laundry, vacuums entire house, cleans all 3 bathrooms and does meal prep for next week. Not to mention still needing to do work for actual job. Staff meeting via zoom is done while wrangling LO.

LOL my husband was suggesting I start a business to refurbish older model strollers. Got anything in your garage that doesn't really work like it should? We found a great deal on a jogging stroller that just needed TLC. It made me so happy to bring it back to factory specs.

4/10 - Self Care Sunday - We picked up our meal prep order and pre ordered the Easter meal and dessert so there will be no stress of cooking for the holiday. I got a 30 minute chair massage yesterday. I'm gonna try and take a nap now. I'm so bad at napping but I am really tired.

4/13 - My kid is sleeping in and I don't know what to do with myself. I keep asking, "What tasks can you do now that you can't do when kiddo is around?" I came up with cutting ribbon, lighting a candle, melting the frayed edges of the ribbon, writing kiddo's name on the ribbon with permanent marker, then hand-sewing ribbons onto his summer daycare wardrobe. I had started doing one item per day back in November but now I have to catch up on his shorts and 3T short-sleeved shirts. Sigh. Wish I felt like sleeping in. Drank coffee and had a nice conversation with DH without interruption. Amazing!

4/18 - Just a little sad. I ordered 6 things in a bundle from Poshmark. They were like fun things just for me and I was hoping to wear one on Easter. The order date was 4/4. Somehow the items are lost. I don't know if they will ever arrive. There is no tracking available. I don't know if it will be my loss or the seller's. But it's not even about the money.

I'm sad because I don't often shop for myself and I was trying to be so "good" and "ecofriendly" by buying used instead of new. I was trying to reward myself for all the hard work of taking care of LO when he was sick this month and making all the magic happen for his birthday and Easter. Two of the items were graphic tees that said "Magical Mama" in kind of rainbow pastel colors.

I know it's totally a first world problem but it sucks when I wake up and don't even want to get dressed. I hate lingering in the closet feeling depressed. And I hate shopping. Every day I'm checking the mailbox and the front stoop and my email and the website. And I'm disappointed. I've had good luck with Poshmark in the past, so I'm not trying to bad-mouth them. After contacting customer service, they blamed the postal service.

On a related note: I got crafty on Easter and made some fairy jars. LO loved pouring glitter, rocks, silk flowers, etc. I ordered new shorts and sports bras for summer. I got tickets to the IMOMSOHARD comedy show. I got a 5% pay raise at work and I'm eligible for another 5%! I signed up to SELL at the next consignment sale so maybe my cashflow will all balance out.

Update: Poshmark customer service has cancelled the order, refunded my money and the package is still lost. So I guess it's resolved. I think I'm gonna order from the company directly (new Latched Mama). I realized that I really did want those items because of how sad I was when they didn't arrive.

I didn't appreciate before having kids how it requires an entire week of planning sometimes to fit something into your family's schedule. It does feel really devastating when all that careful managing of time doesn't give the results we hope for. And I can totally relate because I've had 1 haircut since getting pregnant with my March 2020 baby. I just can't do a salon right now.

I think I'm gonna add an annual pass to Disneyland too. I know LO probably won't remember it, but it's getting harder and harder to just stay home and not drive each other crazy. Poshmark issued a refund and if the stuff arrives I still get to keep it, so fingers crossed.

4/19 - I feel nobody in my family supports extended breastfeeding but it feels like the right thing for me and for LO and so we continue. It makes other people uncomfortable because it's uncommon. But I think it is natural and eco-friendly and economical and I could write a long list of reasons but ultimately because I feel it is working then I will keep on doing it.

4/20 - Going to a comedy show this Friday night and the venue unexpectedly changed COVID restrictions. "As of April 16 there will no longer be any COVID vaccination requirements" and masks are recommended but not required. They said our purses and bags need to be made of clear plastic, wtf? Is it an outdoor music festival? And COVID cases are rising again here in LA. I'm just so fed up with the shifting rules. IMomSoHard here we come.

4/20 - Wondering Wednesday - I have been buying stuff for myself lately and my mom is so unsupportive. She asked me "how many clothes do you need?" And I don't think I shop obsessively. I just know that when I go to put on clothes, I'm having trouble wanting to. I go into a depression spiral about my mombod and how I never get time to shower or poop or get a haircut. P.S. my mom is an actual hoarder. So I do want to avoid falling into that trap. But I get rid of stuff that I don't wear.

I have one pair of joggers. One postpartum lightweight pant. If they're both dirty, then I can't get dressed. I got two summer PJs right after kiddo was born but if they're both dirty, I have no options for nighttime. I tried sleeping naked and it was a no go. I save money where I can. So it's okay to have a few new things. Especially when I tried to go a budget route and that ended up getting lost.

4/25 - He points to what he wants in the fridge. He holds his hand out to try to stop traffic. His favorite vehicle at the touch-a-truck event was a pickup truck with a surfboard on it like beach lifeguards from Baywatch. Look out David Hasselhoff! Edit to add, diaper changes are getting easier and he will point to his diaper when it is soiled. He knows so many body parts.

He likes granola bars. The nut ones without chocolate.

4/26 - Finalized my portfolio for a 5% raise. For anyone in academia it was like a tenure packet but I'm not tenure-track. It was bittersweet to think about what I've done from 2013 until now. Some of it I did while I was childless and didn't want a kid. Some of it I did while going through IVF. Some of it was while pregnant. And some was while pandemic parenting working from home. Geez.

Edit to add: I think I've come full circle. Except I would rather be jobless and I only want my kid.

my mind is a sieve

 My mind is a sieve now, but with really extra large holes so that nothing is retained, everything just slips right on through. Which is a good thing sometimes, I don't get too stressed out over things because I can't dwell on thoughts like I used to. But it's also a bad thing when I need to remember something.

thrashed

 I feel like I'm taking a beating this semester. I feel like I've bent over backwards so many times that I've become a pretzel woman. Just when I think I can't take any more, I have more to deal with and I deal with it. I'm not proud of it. I wish it weren't happening. I don't want to be some kind of wonder woman. I actually want to be able to enjoy my life, do and be less, and be present in the here and now.

What we're doing is juggling our kid back and forth between my husband and I. I have no classes on Monday so I have the kid all day. We go out in the morning to our workout, maybe do some shopping or run other errands, come home and take a nap. I try to knock out some work in the morning and during the nap. I try to knock out a load of dishes and laundry in the morning. The afternoon is kind of a blur with trying to get the kid to eat and maybe preparing dinner or doing a bit more work.

Tuesday is the worst most difficult day of the week. I have the early morning to prepare for classes. I have a morning class that I try to align my son's nap with. Usually it works. Then I have a tiny break to eat lunch and take the kid and dog for a walk. Then I have my afternoon class. Then I have a tiny break, which may involve another nap or at least a rest from Zoom. Then I do office hours and then head out to my night lab. After this day, my neck is killing me and my eyes are burning from all the screen time.

Wednesday I try to do some work, either preparing for class or grading. I have a mid-day lab. I load up the kid in the stroller and walk him over to campus. I drop him off with his dad and then teach my lab. It's a bit stressful because I've never taught this particular lab before so I don't know the details of the procedures or where the equipment is. Thank goodness my kid is conditioned to take in some screen time in the morning so that I can get some work done. He has a capacity for independent play that is a few hours per day. But also thank goodness for the baby carriers and wraps. Getting him to sleep on me allows me to focus and do some good work for an hour or so.

Thursday I have my morning lecture and a midday break. Thursday afternoon I have another lecture. Sometimes my husband is able to come home and sometimes not. Sometimes he tells me he is coming home and sometimes he just shows up at the last minute without letting me know whether he will be coming or not. It's disjointed and unreliable and stressful. Because I do have recordings from last year so if my kid is being unruly or throwing up or having a poopy diaper, I can put on the recording temporarily to get back on track. 

Thursday night I sigh a deep breath and I feel like I can breathe again. I feel like a new person. I can enjoy my son and think about what I need to get done over the weekend and just ignore it.

Friday morning I go to a workout. Saturday morning I go to a workout. Sunday morning I go to a workout. These help unlock the knots in my neck. I'm not trying to be in any kind of great shape. I'm trying to have a community. I'm trying to enjoy some sunshine. I'm trying to have a reason to bring my kid to the park.

We recently tried a meal subscription service and it's been a big help taking grocery shopping, planning, hauling, sorting, washing, chopping and cooking off of my plate. But I definitely feel like I'm not sure we're going to survive this semester. Ok maybe that's being dramatic. We are surviving. We are doing well, somewhat. I'm having a hard time keeping up with work. I've told my husband that I need him to take care of the kid all weekend every weekend from here until the end of the semester. He doesn't think I need that much time. He thinks I need like 2 hours per week to get everything done that I need to do. This is crazy. Who can fit an entire full time job into 2 hours?

Every time I ask for more, he really pushes back on me. He just doesn't have more to give. I guess this is when we would bring in more help. It's a matter of free time. If you want more free time, you have to pay for it. Working more, earning more, paying more. Which do you want? More free time or more free money? We've sacrificed all of our free time (and then some) to save money right now. Because we're in the process of buying our condo that we have been renting for 4 years. It's good to be a homebuyer in the long term. But in the short term, this is really painful. I'm thrashed.

I took a selfie this weekend and my skin is just wrecked. I don't really shower or brush my teeth or cut my nails or shave my legs. I have no time for the most basic FUNDAMENTAL self-care. I only take my vitamins because I believe my baby won't get the nutrition he needs if I'm not taking them.

I guess I could say something positive: I love our jogging stroller. It is serving its exact purpose as a mode of transportation. I was thinking today that I love wheels.

56 week update

I did 170 days of MyFitnessPal (about half a year) and then took a break for the past month. The last day I logged was March 11 and today is April 10. What did I learn by taking a break? Well it's not like I was seeing dramatic weight loss by counting macros and I didn't see dramatic weight gain by stopping. But just last night I had the thought, "now my baby isn't getting the protein he was getting before." And that was motivating enough to have me reconsider restarting my tracking habit.

In the 6 months after my baby was born, I ate anything and everything. Then between 6 months and a year, I tried to eat definitely more than 100 g protein, more like 145 g protein per day. I don't think I ever achieved the extreme of "lower carb," eating 192 g protein and less than 100 g carbs per day. More often I was following "moderate carb" but eating too many carbs. Following "higher carb" in terms of grams of carbs yet still not getting enough protein. 

I resolve hereby to start tracking again with the aim of getting 145 g of protein but also trying to eat and drink less than 168 g of carbs.

The school year is almost over. My baby is almost a toddler. I can almost run again. I have 3 new sports bras (2 SheFit and 1 Enell) that cost a pretty penny. ($137 + $64) in pesto pink, dusky dark pink and black. I have 5 pairs of high-waisted yoga pants with pockets ($20 each) in light-blue, dark-blue, blue camo, olive green and black. I really have been enjoying walking and jogging and doing my HIIT workouts in these new digs.

I got a wildbird ring sling. Double linen, extra long ($93). I love it. It feels so sturdy. It's warm and comforting. It can help Albert sit on my lap, be near me while I do little household tasks, take a nap while I work, and most importantly breastfeed. I wanted to get us a little gift to celebrate making it to 1 year and help us continue for as long as possible. The sling is supposed to accommodate up to 35 lbs. If he stays in the 50th percentile, he will be only 26.4 lbs at age 2. If by some insane twist of fate, he skyrockets into the 97th percentile, he will still only weigh 33 lbs at age 2.

I haven't washed the bras or ring sling yet. I feel I need to read up on how to do it without ruining the things.

Another recent purchase was a stroller organizer. This has been great. As my husband and I have been playing each day "by ear" with respect to who will watch the baby and when, he takes the car in the early morning, then I have been walking the baby to our work in the stroller. Then he loads the baby and stroller into the car. Then I walk home or they come and pick me up. So the stroller has become a mode of transportation, just as I hoped it would. The thing is, we only had one diaper bag. It stayed in the car. But now we have two stroller organizers which have a compartment for the diapers and wipes and a changing pad. So we always have one or two diapers ready.

I didn't get to go to the zoo with the baby yet. Hopefully we will this summer. I'm also kind of missing the beach and the swimming pool. We got the next size up bathing suit and an insulated wetsuit for the baby. I don't consider myself a water-loving person but I am getting tired of being cooped up all day with the baby and it will be nice to get out to the pool. We got a tent for the beach and an umbrella and a folding wagon. I want to start using them again.

It might be time to give up on FSTs. Maybe time to switch over to AIOs and/or pocket diapers. Maybe I judged them too soon. Maybe I will love them now. Maybe they gave my baby a rash because they needed to be stripped. Maybe they gave my baby a rash because he was small then but he's bigger now. Maybe summer is the best time to go to AIOs because it's so hot and they can be line-dried. And I'll have more time because I won't be working outside the house.

Last thing. I got an Easter dress for $27. I got a little suit for Albert for $7.50. Do we get dressed up again and take our own photos or just move on? Do we head over to a portrait studio and have a professional take the photos indoors? Do we hire someone to take the photos here at our house indoors or meet them somewhere outdoors? I hate wondering if I will regret not taking the photos. I went so far as to find the portrait studio and to get the digital files (which I would want) costs $99.

Ok I think that's most of the thoughts in my mind. So I guess that means time for breakfast and actual work. I mean school work.

Love this 

https://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/how-to-discipline-14-month-old

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/14616730903016979

February 2021 thoughts

Feb 3: Mombrain is hitting me so hard. I got assigned to teach CHEM 101 two days before classes started. I also teach CHEM 100. The material is the same but one is more accelerated. I have done this in the past (pre-baby). Now I can't seem to remember where I left off with each class from one lecture to the next. I get a feeling of nagging deja vu while lecturing because I have actually just taught that same topic to the other class. I used to be able to have sooooo many hours to myself to think through everything, to come to class with a clear idea of what I would do, and stay on pace and on topic.

Now I don't have the luxury of infinite time to myself. I am dealing with baby until 15 minutes before class and right when class is over DH hands the baby back to me. Ugh. I have got to find a way to keep everything straight.

Feb 5: Just getting tired of LO grabbing my hair and glasses. 😩 I have such bad eyes that not wearing glasses is not an option. All my contacts are gone and to get more I would have to visit an optometrist which I haven't done due to COVID and baby. But now that I am typing this, maybe I should consider going to contacts.

Feb 6: Yesterday I cut my nails, hubby's nails and then the dog's nails while LO watched. Highly recommended. It was like he was going... oh, everyone in the family has to get their nails cut.

I also went on Amazon and bought ALL the hair doo-dads. I am getting so sick of this long pandemic hair and having to have it up all the time. So I got a new set of claw clips and hair sticks. So far I have been doing double braids, space buns, single bun (high, mid, low), side bun. My hair is long enough now for a chignon or French twist. I considered a doughnut bun thingy but not sure it's necessary and maybe I don't have enough hair for that yet. I don't give a crap about looking cute. I am just trying to avoid headaches. The instant I take my hair down, LO is yanking TF out of it. What are y'all doing?

Feb 7: DH wants to take LO to see MIL. They plan to meet at 10am which means they will leave the house at 9am. Do I pump ahead of time? Do I pump while they are out? It's going to be our first long stretch apart. I teach until 5pm. Help! My baby BF at ~2-3 hour intervals (24/7). Am I fearful because I think my baby needs me and I'm just being self-centered? Or is this a bad idea? I guess DH will feed LO water and purees. LO is a good drinker from a straw cup but rejects bottles.

Feb 8: LO woke up at 4am. Gave up trying to sleep at 5am. Jumping & crawling until 6am. Nap & snuggling until 7:30am. Baby was practicing standing unassisted until 8:30am. Commence breakfast. Nap at 10am.

Feb 11: Got some samples of toddler Enfamil and LO was absolutely cracking up watching me throw and catch the packet. Maybe he was just on a banana sugar high.

Feb 12: Reorganized furniture because LO's reach is getting higher and higher. He isn't climbing yet, but I get nervous when I see how curious and resourceful he is already. I want to make it easier to keep the floors clean and I am obsessed with tidying up multiple times per day in some kind of futile attempt to have order. Or at least not step on any sharp plastic objects.

Feb 13: My baby wakes around 5am but goes back to sleep around 6am when my husband leaves for work. I guess I count that as night sleep. Then LO wakes between 7:30 and 8:30am. He naps around 10 or 11am. He naps around 2 or 3pm. But sometimes he skips the afternoon nap especially if the morning nap is pushed to noon or 12:30pm. Bedtime is between 6:30pm and 8:30pm again depending on whether he has had 1 or 2 naps. Since I teach at the university, my schedule is different Monday/Wednesday and Tuesday/Thursday. Then Fri/Sat/Sun are more free-form but generally I try to maintain the routine.

Feb 14: For me the littlest things I look forward to. There are things I do on certain days like I call my mom on Tuesday. Make my meal plan on Wednesday. Watch Masked Dancer on Thursday. Library storytime on Friday. Watch RuPauls Drag Race on Saturday. Family Zoom on Sunday. Monday I do a fun workout. I realize these only take up 30-60 minutes out of a 24 hour day, but knowing I have a little something to look forward to each day keeps me going.

Feb 15: I hate waking my baby. When he's sleeping so sweetly. Ugh. He was super clingy last night, touching my face and hugging my arm all night. But momma wants to do her workout and we gotta get this day started! Motivational Monday!!!

Feb 16: Faaaaaaaa working with no childcare sucks. That is all. 

I have committed to trying allergens on Friday when I have a day off, but now I will factor in naps. No giving LO a potential allergen before a nap. In case he has an allergic reaction in his sleep. The reaction should be noticeable within 2 hours, so feed when he first wakes up.

Feb 17: Try to be easy with yourself. Not all babies follow the prescribed timeline. Even if you're doing everything, sometimes baby is just not ready.

Feb 19: DH and I are constantly at odds over the thermostat. He prefers a balmy 72 to 78 F whereas I would be happy anywhere between 64 and 68 F. I can abide 70 F if there is a cool mist humidifier pointed at my naked back.

I feel for all those without power in cold climates. I grew up in an area where ice storms and blizzards would knock out power. It's worse if you're not used to it, you haven't prepared, you don't own the warm clothes. Even though I live in Los Angeles now, I do sometimes go back to Nebraska in winter. I'm always caught off guard by how inappropriate my clothing is. I hope power is restored for you soon. The heater is running. DH has left for work. I am naptrapped. My skin is itching and I feel like a piece of frying bacon 🥓.

Feb 20: We have no help. I have been super selfish with my baby. I hate taking my attention away from my baby. I wish I didn't have to juggle baby and work. I work from home. I teach university classes. I have a ~70% of full-time load. If I did have full-time help I'm sure I would be resentful of those times I couldn't be with my baby and someone else was getting all the cuddles and smiles. But also I might say that when I have quality time with my baby, it seems more valuable. If we're together 24/7, sometimes I do get touched out.

I can see how babies are successfully raised in villages or extended family situations. Some societies still do this really well. But it seems like the USA just isn't set up this way. We are nuclear family units and AND we are expected to go back to work after a short (6 week) mat leave. How?!

COVID has changed everything. Without it, I would not have been WFH. We would have put our baby in day care. I wouldn't have known what I was missing. I try to find that quality time and try to be happy my MIL is an extended family member who can also have a great relationship with my baby.

Feb 21: The past few weeks I have been addressing my skin care routine. A month ago I got a facial roller. A week ago, I started using a night serum with vitamin C. It says apply to a clean face which has encouraged me to wash my face at night. I apply the serum with the roller.

I am also changing up my daytime skincare routine. I teach on Zoom 4 days a week. In order to light up my face and darken the chaos of baby toys in the background, I turn on a ridiculous amount of lights. Like 7 light sources. It finally occurred to me that maybe I should wear sunscreen. I had not been wearing sunscreen because COVID and I never leave the house. But I think the sunscreen has been good to protect the skin on my face from the Zoom lights.

I have rosacea that seems to have gotten worse during pregnancy and postpartum. I hope it gets better with these new measures in place. I care less about how it looks, but it is painful and itchy when it is running out of control.

I also bought a bunch of hair doo-dads. My hair has not been cut for a year and a half. It is a pixie grown out to medium length. It has been fun experimenting with new updos. Claw clips, hair sticks, spiral hair ties and I'm still waiting on a donut bun kit. It sounds like a small thing, and it is, but the small things are the only things we have during this pandemic.

I had great plans and intentions (autocorrect tried to make it tensions, which is a bit close to the truth). But my baby and I ended up sticking with just a few things that were easier. What kept you motivated to keep introducing variety?

For us, I would make a batch of something and freeze it into a mold. There are 10 wells that hold about 30 mL (2 Tbls) each. Then we would try each food a 3-4 times and baby wouldn't really go for it. I just recently fully gave up on variety and threw away the stuff LO wasn't really eating. Now we rotate through rice cereal, avocado, sweet potato, butternut squash, yogurt, bananas, applesauce and pears. All puree consistency. I had to stop reading the "feeding friday" thread because I felt so guilty. LO is just now getting the hang of biscuits and puffs.

My mom tried introducing Cheerios to LO at 6 months. He gagged a lot. He still gags if the puree isn't smooth enough. He sometimes spits up breastmilk still. His spit up was so bad at one point we were going through 15 burp cloths per day. So I feel like he's just a bit slower than other babies for that reason. But I do feel optimistic that he will catch up. He can feed himself from a preloaded spoon. He can drink water from a straw or open cup. I know eventually he will eat what we eat. But in the meantime, we will follow LO's lead until the pediatrician says otherwise.

Feb 24: If the clothes don't come out of the wash smelling clean, I clean the washing machine. You can use a tablet (Affresh) or follow the steps here to use baking soda and vinegar. I do one or the other appropriately monthly. I didn't know anything about this until I started cloth diapers.

My baby is napping on my left arm today. My phone and coffee are on my right side! 📱☕ Small wins people. I use my phone for work a lot. I compose in Google Slides or Docs and then edit later on my big screen. Sometimes I wish my computer could do predictive text. Thank goodness for small handheld devices.

I used to rigorously clean everything that came into the house. All eating utensils were sterilized prior to coming in contact with LO's mouth. Yesterday I brought home a toy that had been used by several families and I didn't even clean it before letting LO play with it (read: put his mouth on it).

Feb 25: Ugh. I just asked my husband to take the baby upstairs for a nap. He snores (DH) and I am trying to WFH. I told him that he is likely to fall asleep while the baby sleeps and he is likely to snore and it is likely to annoy me (to be working while everyone else is sleeping). He acted like he was totally offended and reminded me that I used to snore while pregnant. Ouch! GTFO. Having these shared spaces is a real pain in the @$$. LO's play area is my Zoom / WFH area. I don't go to school to work because it's easier/safer to have LO here. We have no childcare. I hate this.

DH asked me last night, "Can you image life without LO?" He was all romantic about it, like how life-changing having a baby is... I was like (in an instant) "Yes." Because I feel like my life before LO was pretty cool and I had kind of given up on becoming a parent because we had waited so long (like 8 years of TTC). It is SO HARD to balance working (even part time) and being a parent (which I do enjoy, but...). Gosh. I just can't work like I used to. I don't want to. I would rather spend time with LO and DH. I do love being a mom. But I also hate balancing all this. Last semester I was ~70% of full time. Same now. Can't wait for summer break. We have no help.

I have not tried cheese yet, but I have resolved to try new potential allergens every Friday. Maybe we'll try cheese today. Or maybe shrimp. Or maybe eggs. I noticed a milk allergy at 6 mo. Then again today at 11.5 mo. He's fine with yogurt but not milk or half & half.

Feb 28: I cleaned out some spaces in closets that were occupied by stuff I haven't used or needed. It was hard, both physically and psychologically, but I wanted to make room for new stuff. Yea for our Marchlings' birthmonth!

We took out 7 kitchen garbage bags full of paper and 3 lawn size garbage bags of 3-ring binders. I got rid of 2 diaper boxes full of shirts that no longer fit. I purged 3 gallon sized bags of makeup. And I regifted some mani-pedi kits that I wouldn't use because I took all my nail polish to the hazardous waste disposal when I got pregnant. Then I was able to put away some things that were sitting out and overall we have less clutter.

Do you wrap birthday presents for LO? Is there such a thing as edible wrapping paper? Still 2 weeks until LO's B-day but I am thinking about it constantly. We got some "it's fun to be one" and "my 1st birthday" clothes this week, secondhand of course. My friend sent some decorations. Family are sending gifts in the mail. I got some new balls for his ramp and some new fixtures for his water table. We got a used wall hanging that has inches and feet on it. One brand new PJ. My mom (G-mama) is coming out. We might do a Zoom party. Advice? Ideas? Grandma wants to do a cake smash.

December 2020 thoughts

I gave LO a pacifier the other day and he played with it happily for about 20 minutes, which is longer than some toys. He put all parts of it in his mouth and chewed. His coordination is so good now, he can manipulate it even though it had no "handle."

I had a dream that I got fired and it made me so happy. Even though we're virtual, in my dream all the students showed up in person. It has been SO HARD. I feel so stressed. DH takes LO out during my class so I don't hear the crying. But otherwise baby is here. If I try to work, LO has taken to screaming at me. If I don't hold him for naps, he only sleeps for 10 minutes.

I used to be on campus 40+ hours per week at 93% of full-time. We always planned for me to keep working until my student loans are repaid, but that's 5 years from now. We had planned to put LO in daycare 3 days per week, which would have cost 1/3 of my salary. Because of COVID we are keeping LO at home instead.

DH is supposed to be "on call" but he still goes to campus 5 days a week and sits in his office blogging, day trading, and doing non-profit work. When he's here, I get upset because he's always falling asleep and not watching or playing with LO. So we end up bickering.

I don't know if what we're doing is best for each of us or not. It's just what is. I don't know what we'll do next semester. It all depends on what classes I'm offered. We're for sure virtual again. Daycare is available. We're just choosing to go without. I hate the circumstances but I love my baby.

We love rain 🌧 https://youtu.be/ajABt8KCho8

I'm still stressed from Monday when I looked at the nutrition facts on the baby's rice cereal. I started feeding rice after my pediatrician shamed me for exclusively breastfeeding for the first 4 months. She said the baby looked pale and I should start giving baby cereal with iron. Yea so I looked at the box and it said serving size 4 tablespoons. The entire box is only 16 servings. One box has been lasting me over a month. Strike 1. Then I looked at the iron. A full serving provides baby 60% of the RDA for iron. Strike 2.

So today I tried feeding the baby like 3 times as much as I normally give him. He's a super slow eater. Like breakfast started at 8am and ended at 11am. WTF? This can't be right.

Albert seemed to be spitting up more lately too after a temporary improvement. Dunno what that's about.

We spent Dec 6th childproofing after a nice breakfast, clean kitchen, doing laundry, going to groom the dog, holiday cards are almost done, maybe we'll hang lights upstairs.

We took LO to look at Xmas lights. DH took an "In-N-Out Day" picture of me and LO. All in all, an epic weekend. I realized that my kitchen is actually my refuge and I WANT to spend more time in there. Planning to bake so many holiday treats this year. Ordered supplies on Amazon so today I am on "package watch."

The March 2020 Bumper group has lots of discussion about TTC which I'm like cool cool cool. Some are happy to be already pregnant again. And I'm like having all these thoughts about miscarriages. For them. They're posting pics of lines on sticks and I'm just thinking how that doesn't mean you're going to get a live baby, but I don't say anything.

I had my son via C-section and I'm 40 years old. Even though I would want another, I don't think it will be possible. So it is hard for me to read about other pregnancy posts. I'm like can't we just keep the group focused on the ones we already have? If you start another, can't you share that with the other Bumper group? We have to put CW and TW on posts about breastfeeding and sleep, why can't all TTC posts go somewhere else?

Then comes one thread about TTC using some [banned term] method to get the gender you want and I have no idea what that is, but it made me pretty upset. I wrote a kind of snarky comment about IVF and genetic testing as a way to get the gender you want. The OP said, "if you can't tell, this is meant to be lighthearted and just for fun." Well I guess I still have some lingering resentment that I didn't have that fun TTC experience.

DH tries to help by napping with LO but when DH is awake, he's always dumping LO into a container and walking away.

Dec 10: I'm so tired today. I'm tired of feeding LO. I'm tired of being behind at work. I'm tired of trying to do everything here at home. I asked DH to watch LO last night after bedtime because I forgot to eat and I was so hungry I couldn't sleep. Pretty much right when I got done eating, LO started crying so I didn't get much of a break. I got a little bit upset with DH last night because we sit on our neighborhood sustainability committee. On a zoom call last night, DH was ignoring LO, sushing him, pushing him out of the frame. It made me feel like LO is at the center of my life but only in the margins of my partner's life. That hurt. DH goes to work outside the home for 5 hours, 5 days a week. I have no idea what he does all that time, he can do whatever he wants. Meanwhile, I have left the house without LO once only for about 3 hours since he was born. Yeah yeah yeah. It was my idea to EBF. I get kind of tired of DH pointing out that it was my idea. I didn't know it would be like this. I know it's temporary, but it's so all consuming. I'm almost done with this semester. Taught 3 classes. Got my schedule for next semester, only 2 classes. So that's good b/c less work but bad b/c less pay. About half what I have been making for the past 7 years. Fuck COVID. I used to teach 5 classes but I took my mat leave in the form of a reduced workload for this semester. I hate doing part-time WFH with no childcare. It's putting strain on my relationship with DH.

Dec 11: I had a mental flashback to when we were all pregnant and worrying about nurseries and packing a hospital bag. It seems both like a long time ago AND yesterday.

Dec 15: I saw a work colleague while doing a socially distanced secret santa dropoff. I haven't seen him since I was 7 months pregnant. So weird.

Dec 18: Wow, T. G. I. F. This was the last week of the semester where I went back to work with a new baby. I'm so glad I will never have to relive this experience ever again. I almost cried yesterday when I finished grading student work. My LO is having so much teething pain. He's been difficult to get to nap during the day and he's having a hard time going down at night. He's biting while nursing so there's that.

Dec 21: We went for a walk last night to look at Christmas lights. DH has a three day week. LO is teething. I can feel uppers coming in. The bottom two erupted together. Not sure what's happening in the upper jaw but it must be painful. Been giving Tylenol infrequently as it can help with naps and bedtime but trying to use it as needed and not as a matter of routine. Aldi unsweetened applesauce was a big hit at lunch yesterday.

I was reflecting on this semester and I was like DAMN. GIRL. YOU. DID. THAT. Great job. Those people's experiences are not like ours. We have our own challenges like really doing all the things and doing them well and not asking for extra time or compensation. I feel motherhood has changed me for the better WRT how I treat my students and I guess I have lost some respect for my childless colleagues who complain about how little time they have.

Got some supplies for sewing 2 quilts. Want to stay productive during lockdown. 1st one is going to be made by cutting up receiving blankets. All flannel pastels. 2nd one is fabric from MIL all navy white and gold with a nautical theme.

The crib quilt I sewed for LO is coming in handy finally. Used it to protect the carpet from spit up at MIL's over Thanksgiving. Also wrap LO in it when he's on my lap listening to bedtime stories. We used to nurse to sleep but between his teething pain and my fear of getting my nipple bit off, we're starting to do storytime until he drifts off.

Definitely spent more than I wanted to at the craft store. I will try to save the receipt and return anything I don't use. Found out I will be working at 50% of my normal schedule for spring. Good News: we can keep going without childcare, spend more time with LO, continue BF. Bad News: we are going to keep going without childcare, no rest, no break, less pay.

We had an awkward Zoom party with our coworkers and LO was super fussy throughout. It was a major struggle even though it was well intended. DH and I work in the same department. He was like: notice how nobody else's kids were on the screen? It's because their spouses were minding them. We didn't have that option. 

Dec 28: Just coming here to say that I used our toilet sprayer and shield for the first time today. We cloth diaper part-time. Since we started feeding LO solids, his poops were very plop-able. Today there was a clingy situation and the sprayer worked great. Was it worth $70 to have the sprayer and shield? There are some unanswerable questions in parenthood. I'm no economist, but using it one time only has been pretty unsatisfying. Not that I want to be spraying every day. Once is fine. I have convinced myself that it is our emergency bidet in case the world goes crazy and starts hoarding toilet paper again.

Dare I do the math for the rest of the cloth diaper nonsense I bought? My husband is a big fan of disposable diapers. I prefer cloth because I just hate thinking of those disposable diapers in the landfill. But I don't use most of what I have. Several friends gave me their stashes. Plus I bought some. In the beginning, it was so confusing. Now I keep it simple so I only use flats and covers. I have a ton of pockets and fitteds that I'm not even using. 

I must ask my friends who gave me their pockets and fitteds if they will be wanting them back. I have 28 flats and we wash every other day if we don't use any disposables. I will definitely sell the AIOs I bought. I keep holding everything for now to see if our preferences change as LO continues to grow. I have no idea of when we will potty train, hence how much longer we will need all the diaper stuff.

Same goes for homemade purees. Dare I calculate the cost of homemade versus store-bought? I'm not a complete eco-freak. I just like cooking. I enjoy making the purees. But sometimes I wonder: is it worth the time and effort? Is it even worth the time it took me to think about and write this post? I do try to think of our options as "all of the above" and not be too rigid to use a combination of whatever makes sense. COVID restrictions have been so game-changing in the sense that I'm home all day every day so there's really no excuse to not use the CDs and make homemade food. Unless I just don't have the energy. Which happens sometimes.

One thing is for sure... I love my baby. I totally felt overwhelmed by the transition from bottles/BF to purees. Still haven't made the leap to puffs/solids.

Dec 30: Started packing up the Christmas decorations today. It's the only project that seems to make sense right now. LO was super fussy throughout breakfast but then cracking up laughing while watching me dismantle a wreath made of eucalyptus. Silly goose.

If you can fit one large mat in your vehicle/house, I would recommend against the puzzle mat. I am getting pretty tired of constantly rebuilding it when the pieces separate. I wish I had one continuous mat. The fence we have is two of these. I got the idea to fence LO in with my computer since I WFH and it's been great. Here's what it looks like with two gates and two alphabet puzzles: Toddleroo Superyard x2.