spa time

At what point are you an enabler because you can't stand conflict? Do you allow your partner to want for nothing at your expense? Do you cancel your own free time to pick up the slack around the house? How would your life be different if you weren't running on constant burnout? What if your body battery was charged to 80% or 100% instead of hovering around 5%? What would it feel like to put your own rest and recovery as the family's #1 priority? Welcome to spa time!

I've had a great time showing my boy what spa time means to me. We do a nice, relaxing foot bath, followed by compression boots, and then a moisturizing leg and foot massage. Sometimes we take a relaxing bath, which involves bubble bath, aromatherapy, epsom salt, soothing music, or ocean sounds, and low light.

• Epsom Salt (3 lbs) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BXTS6L35 $3
• Glo Pals Bath Cube Lights https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BG793KCV $27
• Colorful Bath Bombs https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08149KZ68 $7
• Compression Boots https://www.costco.com/p/-/sharper-image-air-compression-boots-flex-leg-recovery-system/4000392515 $159
• Sea Dreams Soother https://www.target.com/p/baby-einstein-sea-dreams-soother-musical-crib-toy-and-sound-machine/-/A-94691831 $36
• Aroma Diffuser https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0FRSYBY56 $30
• Flameless Candles https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B8NBFZTY $10
• Princess Tumbler Set https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08BZCPD9W $18
• Star Projector / Sound Machine https://www.kids2.com/products/6940-000-swaddleme-slumber-buddies-elephant $30
• See more about our aromatherapy oils https://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2024/01/mom-rage.html 

These I gave away because I didn't like the musk smell

• Polynesian: sun-lit palms, calypso citrus, wild hibiscus, teakwood, island fruit, warm musk, and white sands
• Sea Salt + H2O: sea salt, water, lotus, wild rose, sea moss, warm musk, teakwood
• Orleans Resort: jasmine, violet, gardenia, lemon zest, dry down of vanilla

I've been incorporating more Naughty Girl fitness into my training program. I did yoga twice in the last week, and it's been nice. I feel like my body has been crying out for escape, spending money, travel, and distraction. So in response, I've been doing things to calm my nerves. Sometimes it's not about running away from your problems; it's about doing something right here at home to take care of yourself so that your problems don't seem so bad. On Mar 30, I wrote, "Running is just one part of a balanced diet. Other types of movement are good too."

I planned three dance-related events:

• Thursday, Apr 30, Party Like a Mother, Woodland Hills
• Saturday, May 2, Naughty Girl IRL, Burbank
• Saturday, May 9, Dance your way to health, Tarzana

I guess I didn't post much in late March or early April. It shows how underwater I have been feeling. I was kind of drowning. I got sick right after the marathon, and I haven't been 100% well since. Yes, my wounds have healed, but I've had a runny nose that hasn't stopped. Like when I run, I'm blowing my nose all the time. Snot rockets! Maybe that's why I am craving spa time and self-care activities now. And we're heading into Month of Mama 2026.

Finally, I can share that I've been planning and hosting a series of events for professors on using AI productively in ways that positively impact students. So far, I have completed 6 out of 8. It is taking up all of my free time and then some. On Mar 31, I wrote, "I have not worked this hard in 10 years. I haven't felt this stressed about money in 10 years. AND I haven't felt this happy and satisfied with my family life and household members in 10 years." So it's been a weird school year. To feel like I am working my fingers to the bone, yet have so little spending power, and feel so happy being a mom.

• Feb 9 - Study Skills - 0 attendees
• Feb 23 - Letters of Recommendation - 2 attendees
• Mar 9 - Active Learning - 5 attendees
• Mar 23 - Accessibility - 3 attendees
• Mar 30 - Anonymous Feedback - 3 attendees
• Apr 6 - Transparent Assignments - 2 attendees
• Apr 20 - Early Alerts
• May 4 - Student AI Panel

It's been wild planning this workshop series for the College of Science and Math. It's an interdisciplinary audience, to a certain extent, within a narrow window. I'm not sure whether the topics have resonated with the departments I'm trying to serve. I'm not sure these slides will be reusable learning objects. I know I have two participants with three-peat attendance. The content was worthwhile enough to bring them back again. I've been working nights and weekends to create it. And there hasn't been one female attendee yet.

October 2021 Thoughts

Oct 1: DH and I are both so tired we're fighting over LO's night wake-ups. It's got me Googling COVID symptoms timeline because we both woke up with massive headaches. I have been nauseous yesterday & today. I am tired but have no loss of smell or taste. My employer pays for weekly testing so I will swab today. I am hoping it's just an emotional hangover from a tough week. I have a coworker who is bullying me and I finally let my boss know. LO is teething so bad.

Oct 3: Ordered pre-made food for the week instead of cooking. Portioned it out to be grab-and-go. DH got his first haircut at a barbershop since the start of the pandemic, so I didn't have to cut it. Got a new soother toy for LO that I really like. Did a meditation on Friday to ocean sounds and it really helped me get centered. Have a good routine now of working Tues, Wed and Thurs and not working Fri, Sat, Sun, and Mon. Meaning 4 days / week of fitness and naps and letting LO do whatever he wants. And 3 days / week of discipline and structure for LO.

Oct 4: I had a nightmare about tripping over toys. Like there was so much colorful plastic clutter that I couldn't walk through my house. In the dream. When I woke up, it wasn't that bad, but maybe it's my brain telling me to purge more baby toys. Like anything that says up to 18m is going out the door.

I'm very analytical about which toys to keep. I have a list of the toys and their age / height / weight limit. When LO is too old, too big or too heavy, I put the toy on Buy Nothing or send it to my younger sisters who have kids younger than LO. I am having a harder time with clothes because he didn't even wear some of them and the shorts and t-shirts mostly still fit but winter is coming and I'm not sure if 2T will fit next summer.

Oct 13: Why when my husband is mad at me does he punish me by helping out less? While when I get mad at him, I punish him by telling him, "I don't need your help, I can do everything without you."

We should be coming together and offering each other MORE help when we're stressed. Why do we pull away from each other under stress?

Sorry this is a late post but I was wondering it earlier in the week and then I couldn't remember it long enough to post it, but then I remembered it again while talking to my mom this morning.

For example, every time I ask for more help DH gets defensive and starts helping less so I can feel what he is doing to help and see how it feels when he stops helping. But when I'm upset, I pull LO closer to me and try to do everything without DH. I just stonewall. It's so unhelpful and toxic. How can we stop doing this? Are we cursed to repeat the patterns of abuse and neglect that our parents started?

We put a toilet lock on the trashcan to keep LO from throwing toys in the garbage. But he still stashes stuff in the recycling the minute we aren't paying attention. Cheeky monkey.

Oct 18: We took down the baby gates which protected a bookshelf. We'll see how it goes. LO is obsessed with planes, helicopters, trains, buses, ambulances, and firetrucks. And loves barking back at dogs on our walk.

• If you want a nap at 9:30, wake at 5:30. If you want a nap at 10:30, wake at 6:30. If you sleep in until 7:30, expect a nap around 11:30 or noon.
• If you have 1 sleep cycle (45 min) for the am nap, you might get a pm nap between 3 and 5. But be sure to wake before 6pm, otherwise, you will have a late (~10pm) bedtime.
• If you have a one-nap day, you may get an early bedtime (~7pm) which is good if the next morning is an early one. The night sleep is about 10 hours long.

We have been walking for our bedtime routine. Outside in the cool dark city. Start around 7:30. In bed around 8:30. Sometimes fuss or play until 9:30, depending on naps or teething.

Oct 21: Y'all I'm so tired. My neck and back are aching. No amount of apple cider and pumpkin spice latte can make me want to be productive. I got the COVID booster and flu shot on 10/7 so I should be fully protected by now.

I want to put up fall decorations. So far I put lights in the front window. I looked in the garage to see if the boxes were easily accessible. Nope. We have family coming here for Thanksgiving. But dang I am exhausted right now.

I teach from home on Zoom. I babywear during my lectures to keep LO quiet. Seriously he is getting heavy or I am losing core strength. I was working out much more over the summer. Now it's only 3 days per week and I don't really go hard because I'm just too tired.

On the plus side, we started a meal prep service so I don't have to worry about cooking anymore.

Oct 22: We took the baby set off of our Tripp Trapp. LO can climb in and out easily. We adjusted the footrest down so he has an easier time climbing up and his legs are at a 90-degree angle while sitting. We took the front rail off our IKEA Sundvik crib so it's a toddler bed now. I guess I am ready for a change. LO measured 33.5" at his last pediatrician visit which was over a month ago. Size 7 shoes are too small. Walking around in 7's gave LO a bruised toenail. That's how we knew the size 5's were done. I packed up all 2T summer clothes. I took inventory of all 3T clothes that we have. This kid is definitely in a growth phase. He wakes up starving and eats about 4x as much as a few weeks ago. He's still cutting teeth but some have emerged.

I don't know how tomorrow is gonna go. We're seeing MIL after not seeing her since Easter. That's over 200 days or 55% of the year. She is done with her pancreatic cancer treatment and ready to get back to normal life. We're meeting at the Zoo.

Oct 23: Our trip to the Zoo was great. LO pooped on the drive over. We did a tailgate diaper change. Had a snack. Waited in line (we were 45 minutes early). Then walked a lot. LO got candy. All the families were in costumes. We had a picnic lunch and plenty of snacks. LO fell asleep on the tram ride. We ate soft serve ice cream. LO woke up. We left around 2pm. We stayed about 4 hours. The weather was great.

Things got tricky from there. LO blew out his diaper in a way that he had never done before. It was epic and nasty. Then he was kind of a whiny mess for the rest of the day. I ended up doing chores and getting more worn out. The dog wouldn't stop barking. Never figured out why. Thank goddess LO fell asleep easily at 7:30pm. The only problem is I didn't get much to eat and I'm trapped.

Oct 24: Mom's night out on Friday night. Chatted with another IVF mom and it was very good to connect. She's 3 months postpartum and I could see that version of me in the rearview mirror. It made me realize I have come a long way in terms of personal growth and physical healing. I'm glad I went even though I don't drink alcohol. I was worried about missing bedtime and I still nurse LO to sleep, but DH handled it like a champion. LO caught up on feeding throughout the night and in the morning. We sat unmasked on an outdoor patio. We shared appetizers, which felt strange after looooong quarantining. There was a DJ which gave a fun vibe. 5 moms from our fitness group. No husbands, no kids. The last time we did this was 6 months ago.

Oct 26: I'm kinda resentful of the whole "women cheerleading other women" thing. It's a bit toxic. What I mean is I found a bunch of social media accounts devoted to like, "you can have a family and a scientific career and an academic career," you can have it all! It's just nonsense. I am feeling so exhausted and I don't even write grants or keep up appearances to make tenure. I'm a freaking exploited part-timer who is in the trenches teaching day after day, grading papers during every free moment.

I babywear my toddler and plan his whole day around napping during my lecture. Yes, I'm doing it but I'm not all Rah Rah Rah about it. I actually feel like telling women in their 20s and 30s that they can have it all is kind of a false promise. I ended up delaying childbearing until my late 30s and now I have a toddler in my early 40s. I have a good secure job, which I had to work very long and hard to get that job security and I timed the pregnancy to coincide with those benefits kicking in.

If I had taken any time off prior to when I did, I would not have earned my entitlement, which puts me on a 3-year contract instead of semester-by-semester. I had accrued a bunch of sick leave and personal holidays, having never taken a day off, which when combined with summer break got me 6-months of maternity leave. It was glorious.

I think I'd rather follow "get real" type of mom accounts. I watched some YouTube "day in the life" videos of working moms with toddlers because I kind of wanted some solidarity. I mean I love reading what y'all are going through. Thank goodness for this Bumper group. But it was interesting seeing videos of how other women get through the day. We're not freaking supermoms. We're just regular women.

If you know of any "get real" day in the life videos, send me the link. I could use a bit of inspiration. My husband and I got excited about a Ninja coffee maker as if a $150 coffee maker could give us the energy we need to keep up with this kiddo. DH is in his late 40s. But seriously, if you have an amazing coffee routine, share it. I'm talking about a milk frother, espresso, the works! Currently rocking a $20 drip coffee maker with timer and auto-off cause we fancy like that.

I work with my husband and I love it. He is the instrument manager (repairs broken equipment) and I teach the lab class that uses the equipment. We keep each other informed and have offices in separate but adjoining buildings.

I have been slowly unfollowing all baby-related social media but somehow a hashtag popped up on my Twitter that directed me to Instagram and then I started to realize my mistake for following that whole line. In case you are wondering...the hashtags were SciMomJourney and mothersinscience

Oct 27: Albert has a special face to go along with his deviant behavior. It's a smile with a scrunched-up nose and nearly closed eyes. I wish I could get a picture of it, It's soo darn cute. But he only does it when he knows he's doing the opposite of whatever I've asked him to do. And I never have the camera ready to catch it.

Oct 28: When do you get rid of a toy? For example, I have so many things that say 6-36 months. But they are bulky, ugly, and rarely used. I think things that are 6-18 months are clearly good to go. We are "one and done" as far as having kids so I fast-track toys out of the house. I have other toys that are 18 months and up that are still in the closet because there is no room to bring them out. Just wondering if anyone else wants to share their criteria for saving vs rehoming toys. I'm scared to get rid of something that says good up to 3 yrs like he might enjoy it later if I don't get rid of it.

Literally on my last nerve. Frazzled doesn't even begin to cover my state of mind. DH was "watching" LO and "supervising" dinner while I was grading papers and LO falls out of his chair. Bonks head. Screams bloody murder. Productivity gone. Now trapped under sleeping child. I didn't get dinner. LO is in dirty play clothes that he wore to the park.

DH is so clueless about my level of fragility. I wanted to cry a dozen times but I held it together. Didn't get a moment alone all day. We're fighting about sitter vs daycare. I don't see DH taking LO to his work but I get to watch kiddo 24/7 cause I WFH and still breastfeed. Wonder how things would be different if our roles were reversed.

September 2021 Thoughts

Sept 5: My mom came for LO's birth, 6m, 12m. I thought she was planning to come every 6m but now that 18m is here, she's backing out. My MIL is undergoing chemo so we probably won't see her until Xmas. I feel sad.

I might cheer myself up by buying $60 worth of crap for Halloween. It's sitting in my Amazon cart. But I know it won't make me feel better. More holidays during COVID. 

LO has a runny nose from our spontaneous trip to IKEA and now of course I'm thinking the worst and feeling disappointed in myself for taking an unnecessary trip.

Stocked up on 3T pjs and size 7 tennis shoes because LO is growing so fast. Of course he can wear 2T separates but the footed onesies are getting hard to zip. His upper back is sticking out. 

He skipped from size 5 shoes right on past 6 in two months time. Thank goodness for Children's Orchard. We got 6 pairs of shoes and 6 pjs for $60. Used but still lots of life.

Sept 6: We hung a bucket swing in the garage. I am so happy because if I have like 30 minutes free during the day (WFH w/ LO) we can swing for a bit without having to go all the way to a park. We live in a townhouse with a detached garage.

September 9: Week 2 of the semester is over. Just 14 more... LO is teething, biting, sniffling, coughing, throwing food and tantrums, climbing on everything. But I am somehow calm and taking it in stride. There are some moments of super cuteness like his scrunched face smile and waving hi and bye to literally everyone. I love this nugget. And I wish he would eat more.

Sept 11: We have a 1 nap per day kiddo who loves sleeping in the carseat. Cue me eating meals parked curbside under the shade with the car running listening to a podcast or working on my phone just so LO can get a 45 minute nap.

Also, for soothing, my kid has taken to want electronic music on repeat. Like one song over and over for 15 minutes. We have [this](https://www.target.com/p/swaddleme-slumber-buddies-elephant-soother/-/A-18819169) one and LO will turn it to the song he likes, the volume he likes, the light setting he likes and then wind down and go to sleep. I feel silly because I sing to him and enjoy singing, but he really seems to relax to the electronic songs more.

Sept 12: It's silly but I got coordinating Halloween costumes for the family. I put everything in the Amazon cart and left it there to think about it. DH  ordered everything. Glad he did because a few items are backordered and one came in the wrong size, necessitating a return/exchange.

It's a Harry Potter theme. LO is Gryffendor, I'm Hufflepuff and DH is Ravenclaw. Maybe I should add a Slytherin dog outfit just to have representation for all the houses. Haha. I got a tiny broom for LO and he has had so much fun sweeping with it. I didn't get wands because I felt it might not be age-appropriate for LO just yet.

I file this under self-care because it's something to look forward to and with this Neverending pandemic, that is a powerful thing. I would love to take LO to Universal Studios for a photo shoot. I've never been to the HP castle. I wanted to go when I was pregnant but I was too scared to ride rides and miscarry. But it is $89 per person and LO won't remember or be able to ride rides. WWYD? Anyone with theme park experience?

Edit to add: Maybe we will use a zoom background to take a family photo in front of Hogwarts. It's cheaper and ongoing pandemic, yadda yadda. LO and I have a cold from our visit to IKEA a week ago and it sucks teaching with a sore throat. I hate that I used to have a well-heeled immune system and now I feel susceptible to everything. On the upside, my university is paying for weekly COVID screening.

We found a Harry Potter zip up PJ in LO's size at the local Children's Orchard (secondhand). That was the nucleus. I have a Hufflepuff cardigan and tank top. Bought DH a Ravenclaw tshirt. Bought LO a scarf, temporary tattoo scar, lens less glasses and a broom. And an owl stuffie. Not that we're going anywhere. It's all about the social media post. 🤣 Got a green doggie t-shirt and a Slytherin iron-on patch.

Activities at 18m: Swinging, sweeping, play kitchen, car ramp, car races, duplos, dominos, shape sorter, wooden blocks, puppet show, little people farm, water table, bathtime, rubber ducks, musical instruments (drum, maracas, xylophone, castanets), cash register, scooter, tricycle, stroller walk, exercise ball, foam ball, 4 square ball, stacking cups, blankets (I agree with you the laundry folding is a disaster) or handkerchief / bananas.

I WFH and I'm with LO 24/7. Not bragging. We also watch dog or cat TV with animals. He doesn't love messy, mealtime is messy enough. Chia pudding, cottage cheese, soft fruits, puree in pouch, etc is mushy and sensory stimulation.

I have headphones. Also LO likes some independent play as long as at other times he has my full attention so I try to be mindful of that. I am a "tunnel vision" type person when I'm at the computer so it's actually kind of hard to keep an eye and an ear on LO. We have lots of gates so I can confine him to different areas (garage, garden, kitchen, livingroom, upstairs, bedroom A, bedroom B. I have a lot of work that I can do on my phone in Google Docs so I try to reserve some tasks for Multitasking and some tasks when I really need quiet for when DH can take LO to the park, the mall or just out for a drive. There aren't many of those. I'm getting to be much less of a perfectionist. LO is in most if not all of my videos, chattering away and playing. I also babywear, still breastfeeding, so he gets to nap "on" me and I can catch a few hours of productivity that way if he nurses to sleep.

Sept 17: I had such a rough morning yesterday. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I called 3 people. The third person picked up. It was my mom. She asked if I started disciplining LO yet. She said at 1 year old, we can do 1 minute "time outs." It caught me off guard, which pulled me out of my panic attack, which I guess was what I was looking for. But now I can't stop thinking that I'm doing it wrong by not implementing punishment. Phew. I'm feeling better today.

Sept 20: We have our 18m pediatrician visit today. I have bittersweet feelings. I thought my mom would be here. She decided not to visit. I thought LO would be in daycare 1 year ago but with this ongoing pandemic, he is still at home with me 24/7. I had a goal of breastfeeding 6 months. We're still going strong. I am praying that LO is on track for all his growth benchmarks. LO is so adorable and snuggly. I didn't know what it would be like to be a mom, but I love it.

I have not had a menstrual cycle yet. I am tracking PMS each month, about 26 days apart but no Aunt Flo.

Sept 25: Husband rant! I am just too tired to write it. Just feeling ranty. Why? I am exhausted enough to take LO out for a walk and chant "my husband is garbage" for 25 minutes. I thought a walk would help me let go of the resentment but it was still there the whole time and still there when I got back. I think it may be time to put LO in day care because mommy needs a break. 

We are in the process of buying our condo (that we currently live in) which sounds easy but actually has involved lots of hoop-jumping. DH is doing most of the phone calls and paperwork but I'm doing all the cooking, cleaning, childcare, shopping, appointments, and tidying. And working from home. 

I guess we decided to delay childcare for many reasons: cost, LO's age, illness. I don't know how many closing costs we have left to pay and what our monthly budget will look like when/if we transition from renting to paying a mortgage. I think we will eventually put LO in day care or preschool but we want to wait until our finances are more established and predictable. Also, COVID fears and unvaccinated LO is still a thing. Now LO is older than 18m, I hoped the on-campus daycare would call us, but so far it's radio silence. I know they are open but we are on the waitlist.

I felt like I could "do it all" but I am having such negative emotions when its SATURDAY and DH is ASLEEP in the same room where LO is whining and I'm trying to work. Come on Dad and give me a break. Or at the very least don't be in the same room NOT DOING anything to help. Ugh.

Oh it was a day long struggle. He said I need to more clearly communicate my needs. He said it is unreasonable for me to ask for him to care for LO every weekend from now until the end of the semester. He said I need to make a list of specific tasks and prioritize them and sit down and communicate that to him. 

I said, what if you make the to do list and prioritize it and communicate that to me. I think he started to see the hidden burden of doing all the programming and being the cruise director. I don't know if we have found a solution to our conflict. But I did stand up for myself. I think sometimes I don't say anything because I don't want to argue. He said I was being immature for letting myself get so upset and boiling over. But every time I ask for more from him, he pushes back. So if I want more, I cannot keep brushing it under the rug. I have to push.

Sept 26: Self Care Sunday! Heading to "Junk in the Trunk" no-sale swap meet. Cleaned all reusable water bottles we weren't using out of the cupboard. More room for coffee cups. Got rid of a bike rack and a pack n play that were taking up space in the garage.

July 2021 thoughts

July 2: Took LO to IKEA. Best Friday night. Made it farther than last visit. LO sat in the high chair and ate a bunch of things from the cafeteria. We got some bins and trays to organize our junk drawer and the cabinet below it because LO is obsessed with it and its full of potentially dangerous stuff and as of now, LO puts things in the drawer but soon I imagine he will take things out too.

July 4: For about 6 months after LO was born, I needed at least 3 servings of chocolate per day. I am not usually a dessert person and never considered myself a chocoholic.

We're leaving tomorrow for our cross country flights. I am a nervous Nelly! We are packed as much as I can think of what we will need. We're staying 10 days before we come back home.

Part of me is worried about DH. Even though I know he's a grown man. I've been WFH for a year and a half. I would say I've been a SAHM but I also taught university courses at 70% of full time. We, like many people, have been cooking at home and watching streaming services at home and doing projects at home...safer at home. I guess I'm having re-entry stress.

DH goes back to work "full time" starting Tuesday. He's been "on call" since the start of lockdown a.k.a LO's birthday. I just know things will be different when I get back from this trip. LO might be starting day care when school resumes... depending on COVID and availability. 

I don't know what I'm actually worried about. Maybe just fear of change, in general.

We are traveling to my parents' house on Monday. 2 planes. A 3 hr layover. Over 7 hours traveling. I am tentatively packed and trying to hope for the best. DH is not coming. Just me & LO.

July 16: First time being treated for mastitis. Diagnosed by teledoc. Really wish I could go to a La Leche League meeting and talk to other breastfeeding women. COVID is still ruining stuff. 😷😒

How I got mastitis: Combination of LO chewing and some dermatitis and some traveling and maybe fewer showers and also forgetting to take lecithin and wearing a sports bra for 3 days in a row at my parents' house where there was no working shower or laundry. I am definitely regretting my life choices. And LO has a cough and seems pretty miserable today. Boo hoo.

Trip recap: On the way there, the flights were timed with naps so he slept on the flights. 1st flight was 1h 45min. 2nd flight was 1h 20min and he was awake but chill for the last half hour, but very chill. On the way back our 1st flight was 3h. He was awake the first half and slept the second half. The 2nd flight was only 40min. He was very snuggly and watched Netflix with his headphones the entire time. I know we'll never do a "lap child" flight ever again. It was a good experience. 

I also had an anxiety moment, stuck on the runway in Vegas and there was no AC on the plane. Don't know how long, maybe 10 minutes while they were refueling, but it felt like forever. It got hot fast and I felt so icky in the mask and with a hot baby on my lap.

Most people didn't want to sit in our row but the folks who did all had kids at home and were super nice. Parent solidarity was a fun new feeling. This was a big trip out into the world. I am still processing all of it.

My mom complained about me putting the kid down for naps and having bedtime before dark. She constantly says that HER children (me) didn't nap and I'm like wondering if it is just that she never put us down! I would advocate that moms shod do whatever they need to do to stay healthy. I skipped out on self-care during my 10 day visit with family and suffered for a week afterwards. In hindsight, I wish I had put my needs a little higher.

July 17: We are officially in the climbing phase. Set up a baby gym in the living room. Stairs, ramp, tunnel, etc. 

I'm still suffering from mastitis. LO is developing a cough. He doesn't want solids, just nursing, which is probably best to help clear up this situation in my breast. It was nice to see family but it sucks that we are sick from the trip.

LO is finally getting the hang of waving bye-bye and it is the cutest thing ever. We hardly ever said hello or goodbye to anyone prior to this trip. He is also much better at nodding yes or no when we offer him things. He puts out a little hand and makes a sound when he wants something. Kind of like "Meh."

July 20: I've completed 4 days of cephalexin for mastitis. LO has a raspy cough. I am trying to stay away from obsessive googling. I suck at resting but I am giving it my best effort. LO is normal in terms of his capacity for play and intake of solids and wet diapers, no fever, so we haven't taken him to the pediatrician. My husband was ON CALL for all of the pandemic until now. So it's harder to keep LO busy all day here at home. I don't want to take him out because of spreading germs. I hate that COVID cases are spiking again. I hate that LO isn't immunized. I hate that there's only one month left of summer break.

Our landlord called a week ago to let us know that they are considering selling our condo. We rent. So we have been scrambling to get pre-approval for a loan. All I can do now is pray that they will sell it to us for a price we can afford. If not, we might be able to keep renting here, rent elsewhere or buy elsewhere. The thought of moving doesn't terrify me. Maybe COVID has acclimated me to an uncertain future.

July 23: I feel like it's time to unfollow and unsubscribe from all the baby-related accounts. They do have some toddler-relevant info sometimes but I don't want to be reminded of pregnancy and the 4th trimester when I'm chasing around a busy 16 month old. 

On a positive note, I feel like LO's cough is getting better. Maybe his teething pain is letting up. No fever so I'm gonna guess it wasn't COVID. My mastitis is feeling better but I do think I'm experiencing some vasospasm due to "nipple trauma." I can't make this up. Thankfully one breast is still normal so I tell myself that eventually the wonky one will go back to that.

Our HOA finally opened the swimming pool for the summer. They had said it was closed due to COVID. We have a floatie and I'm so excited to get LO back in the water. He kicked around in a floatie a bunch last summer but we stopped going to the pool once Fall classes started. Our pool isn't heated. 

This week I kept LO indoors becuse his cough makes it pretty obvious he is sick. But it's been rough feeling imprisoned in our home. My fitness instructor said the cough can linger for weeks after they aren't contagious anymore. She encouraged me to come back to in-person classes. But with COVID cases on the rise among unvaccinated people, I didn't want to be responsible for passing along whatever this is to any other moms or babies in our group. We picked it up traveling cross-country with 2 planes.

July 24: Got a play kitchen. So far, so fun!

July 26: Broke out the Duplos.

July 28: I feel like becoming a mom has helped me be comfortable with vulnerability. I feel like I can live more emotionally exposed and not worry about what people will think.

I wish I had more agency. I wish I could be more authentic. I wish I could be louder and more goofy and more open to making new friends.

COVID sucks. Cancer sucks. Mastitis sucks. I won't see MIL until Christmas 2021 because she's having chemo for pancreatic cancer. She refused to see us after a debacle last Thanksgiving (Nov 2020) and I hate that we are politically polar opposites. My mom had been coming out to see LO every 6 months. Her next visit would have been Sept 2021 but with this spike in COVID cases, and how I just visited her, I don't think she'll be out for LO's 1.5 year bday. I feel lonely because LO has been sick since we got back from our trip, I don't know if it is COVID, so we've been quarantining for 2 weeks. I am trying to stay cool and avoid Dr. Google. DH is back to being on campus 40 hr/wk and I am doing the SAHM thing. Every day is full. I feel like I'm solving puzzles trying to fit in meals, naps, fitness, learning activities and meeting everyone's needs.

How do you travel?

Prebaby: Car-free. Trains + bicycle. Can't tell you how many hotels we checked into with our luggage on our bikes. Packed light. Most days outdoors.

Postbaby: Minivan. Pack all the things. Day trips to the beach. Weekends "away" at hotels within 1-2 hour drive of home. Day hikes with baby in carrier. Bike rides with baby on bike. Lots of stroller walks. It's not as eco-friendly but I'm not super comfortable taking transit with baby. Too much risk of getting stranded somewhere. I will say that the hotel experience is significantly diminished in the COVID era. No pool, no breakfast, no fitness room, no dining. It's not worth it IMHO.

July 29: Watching a show about peanut butter. Thought about how peanuts are a crop. Thought spiral about sustainability and climate change. This [NYT](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/18/style/modern-love-fathers-day-where-are-all-the-wild-things.html) article really hit me in the gut.

Packing List

Carryon

1) Umbrella stroller 

2) Yoga mat strap 

3) Pink backpack (diaper bag)

4) crackers 

5) cherrios 

6) infinity scarf (didn't use)

7) diapers 

8) wipes 

9) changing pad 

10) extra clothes for Albert 

11) Phone charger 

12) toys 

13) ergo carrier 

14) birth certificate 

15) masks (2)

16) proof of vaccines 

Mom

1) underwear 

2) socks 

3) walking shoes

4) flip flops 

5) yoga pants 

6) sweat pants 

7) tank tops

8) bras 

9) toiletry bag 

10) headphones (didn't use)

11) fitness equipment 

12) swimsuit (didn't use)

13) hat 

14) Tylenol/vitamins 

15) long-shirt (didn't use)

Albie

1) short outfits (3) 

2) long pants (2) 

3) short onesies (3) 

4) footie pjs (2) 

5) socks (4) 

6) sandals 

7) reusable pouches 

8) ring sling 

9) swimsuit / water shoes / swim diaper 

Wish I had brought

1) nail clippers / file for mom and Albert

2) mom's socks

3) garment bag for dirty laundry

4) more different bras and mesh bag for washing bra

5) shampoo / conditioner

This was for a 10-day trip to see and stay with family. We took a plane so your list might be different if you're driving. Snacks I brought included goldfish and veggie straws. The best toy was a dimple-like silicone [thingy like this](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0953P4TPV/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_1K5SA2NZGNYP7H4KK7M1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1).

We were 3 hours early. It was a bit unnecessary but made checking bags, printing boarding passes, and getting through security very stress-free. LO was in a carrier. I brought an umbrella stroller with a shoulder strap. Gate checked stroller, which was super-easy. Backpack-style diaper bag. 

Let LO walk for ~1 hour prior to flight. ~30 min of strolling. Slept on flight. Repeat for layover.

Edit to add: kiddo was a lap child. DH not with us. My sister loaned us a carseat at our destination.

home economics

The funny thing about all this is that most of these are a "break even" situation. Also it's not "either/or" but instead it's "and." If I can say one thing about preparing for a baby: you don't know what you don't know. You learn continually and adapt so there are no absolutes that work forever.

Taking a tally of what we spent to get up to speed with cloth diapers vs. what we would have spent if we did disposables full time

No matter what : $65

Changing Pad $30

Changing table $35

Disposable only : $914

Hanging organizer $20

wipes $3.00 × 12 = $36

Genie $20 x 2 = $40

Refills $7 x 30 = $210

size 0 (36 pack) $5

size 1 (196 pack) $40

size 2 (76 pack) $26

size 4 (180 pack) $46 x 11 = $495

Wipes (11 packs) $13.98 x 3 = $42

Cloth only : $626

Affresh (3 pc) $7 x 2 = $14

Toilet Sprayer Kit $30

SprayMate Kit $42

style A 6 x $12 = $72

Inserts (6 pack) $15

style B) 6 x $12 = $72

Used Lot $225

Covers (10) $43.00

Covers (10) $9.00

FSTs (15 pc) $16 x 2 = $32

FSTs (4 pc) $4 x 7 = $28

Bamboo cloths (12 pc) 2 x $12 = $24

Octopus hanger $5 x 4 = $20

Taking into account what we would have spent in formula versus breastfeeding and associated technology

Either way : $256

Burp Cloth 4 x $15 = $60

Bottle Warmer $70

Sterilizer and Dryer $100

5 oz Bottle Set (3 pack) $11

8 oz Bottle Set (3 pack) $15

Breastfeeding only : $601

My Brest Friend pillow $17

Manual Pump $30

Electric Pump $300

Bags (100 ct) $15.00 x 2 = $30

Tubing $19 x 2 = $38

Breast Shield $15 x 3 = $45

Membranes $5 x 2 = $10

Valves $7 x 3 = $21

Car Adapter $8

Connectors $12 x 3 = $36

Pumping Bra $33 x 2 = $66

Formula only : $3330

$37 per can x 6 cans/month x 15 months

Taking into account how much it costs to buy baby food versus making it yourself and associated technology

Either way : $16

High chair $10

Bibs $4

Spoons $2

Homemade : $395

Immersion blender $50

Miniprep $50

Food processor $200

Portion containers (50) $15

Silicone mold $15

Pouches (6) $15

Dishes $50

Pre-made : $1369

5 x 365 days x $0.75 

So I guess I spent a bunch on cloth diapers but I have like 3 times as many as I would actually need. I have 3 redundant "systems" that are different.

But it seems like breastfeeding and homemade baby food are clear winners even though they have a fair amount of technological cost to get going. I had a goal of breastfeeding for 6 months. Then I had a goal of making it to a year. My current goal is to make it to 2 years or whenever weaning occurs naturally.

One argument I get from my husband is that washing cloth diapers (and perhaps the associated tools for making our own baby food) add to the water and power bill. Comparing the year without a baby to our first year with baby, the bills were consistently higher with baby.

July 2020 $252 ($54 more)
Sept 2020 $536 ($144 more)
Nov 2020 $386 ($169 more)
Jan 2021 $174 ($13 more)
Mar 2021 $171 ($36 more)
May 2021 $219 ($8 more)

Total for 1 year ($424 more)

I wonder if this is true for everyone who was quarantined (working from home) during the pandemic though. I know we used to turn our thermostat up during the day when we were working out of the house and then turn it back down only at night. Now that we're home all day every day, we keep it running more during the day when we're here. The air conditioning I mean.

top left drawer (AIOs), changing pad

top right drawer (pockets), clean & dirty clothes

middle left drawer (fitteds & covers)

bottom left drawer (wetbags, sheets, wipes)

Budget under COVID

Home & Utilities $18

- LADWP / gas / internet / phone / Netflix

I don't see us being able to cut out anything here. We use and enjoy all of the stuff in this group.

Transportation $17

- gas / car pmt

Same here. Even though I don't love having to drive, I do love our minivan and we are on track to having it paid off in like 9-10 months.

Groceries $25

- Von's / Aldi / Target

Not sure we can cut anything here except to continue cloth diapering and keep making our own baby food. The convenience and portability of prepackaged baby food and disposable diapers is addictive. But if we focus on a sustainable summer, I think we can continue to save in this category.

Personal & Family Care $1

- petco

Undeniable. Edna needs her spa time.

Health $2

- Costco / RiteAid 

This is vitamins. Prenatals, poly-vi-sol and baby Tylenol. Not able to be cut.

Insurance $5.50 

- car insurance

Again, not optional. But I guess we could lower it to liability when the car is paid off.

Restaurants & Dining $12

- bakery & fast food

This we are working to cut down. Every meal we make at home whittles away at this spending.

Shopping & Entertainment $24

- Google / Amazon / Flickr / Blog pro / NYT / LAT / Walmart / Grammarly / Costco / Consignment / Etsy

This one was a big shock to me. It seems like the most bloated category. I am just starting to get into the "Buy Nothing" project and I wonder if I could cut some of our spending in this area by just not buying stuff.

Travel $0

COVID has blessed us in this area. We don't travel and haven't for a year.

Cash, checks, misc $70

- rent

We have to pay for where we live. No question.

Giving $2

- paypal

Business Expenses $0

Education $0

Finance $41

- Capex / Citibank / taxes

This is I guess where we pay down our debts. We have 2 more years on our fertility loan, so this category isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

Uncategorized $0

I was shocked to consider how much we spend EACH DAY on these various categories. I know we make a good salary and we are building up our savings and investments. But since I became a mom, I feel like I'm spending so much on toys and clothes and crap for myself and the Baby. I wonder if my spending is on stuff I need or stuff I want or just to have something to look forward to when a package arrives.

The analysis I would really like to do is a cost comparison between cloth and disposable diapers. I want to add up what we spent in terms of money and time to build our stash. Then add in the extra cost of water and electricity in the past year compared to the previous year. Just to know.

56 week update

I did 170 days of MyFitnessPal (about half a year) and then took a break for the past month. The last day I logged was March 11 and today is April 10. What did I learn by taking a break? Well it's not like I was seeing dramatic weight loss by counting macros and I didn't see dramatic weight gain by stopping. But just last night I had the thought, "now my baby isn't getting the protein he was getting before." And that was motivating enough to have me reconsider restarting my tracking habit.

In the 6 months after my baby was born, I ate anything and everything. Then between 6 months and a year, I tried to eat definitely more than 100 g protein, more like 145 g protein per day. I don't think I ever achieved the extreme of "lower carb," eating 192 g protein and less than 100 g carbs per day. More often I was following "moderate carb" but eating too many carbs. Following "higher carb" in terms of grams of carbs yet still not getting enough protein. 

I resolve hereby to start tracking again with the aim of getting 145 g of protein but also trying to eat and drink less than 168 g of carbs.

The school year is almost over. My baby is almost a toddler. I can almost run again. I have 3 new sports bras (2 SheFit and 1 Enell) that cost a pretty penny. ($137 + $64) in pesto pink, dusky dark pink and black. I have 5 pairs of high-waisted yoga pants with pockets ($20 each) in light-blue, dark-blue, blue camo, olive green and black. I really have been enjoying walking and jogging and doing my HIIT workouts in these new digs.

I got a wildbird ring sling. Double linen, extra long ($93). I love it. It feels so sturdy. It's warm and comforting. It can help Albert sit on my lap, be near me while I do little household tasks, take a nap while I work, and most importantly breastfeed. I wanted to get us a little gift to celebrate making it to 1 year and help us continue for as long as possible. The sling is supposed to accommodate up to 35 lbs. If he stays in the 50th percentile, he will be only 26.4 lbs at age 2. If by some insane twist of fate, he skyrockets into the 97th percentile, he will still only weigh 33 lbs at age 2.

I haven't washed the bras or ring sling yet. I feel I need to read up on how to do it without ruining the things.

Another recent purchase was a stroller organizer. This has been great. As my husband and I have been playing each day "by ear" with respect to who will watch the baby and when, he takes the car in the early morning, then I have been walking the baby to our work in the stroller. Then he loads the baby and stroller into the car. Then I walk home or they come and pick me up. So the stroller has become a mode of transportation, just as I hoped it would. The thing is, we only had one diaper bag. It stayed in the car. But now we have two stroller organizers which have a compartment for the diapers and wipes and a changing pad. So we always have one or two diapers ready.

I didn't get to go to the zoo with the baby yet. Hopefully we will this summer. I'm also kind of missing the beach and the swimming pool. We got the next size up bathing suit and an insulated wetsuit for the baby. I don't consider myself a water-loving person but I am getting tired of being cooped up all day with the baby and it will be nice to get out to the pool. We got a tent for the beach and an umbrella and a folding wagon. I want to start using them again.

It might be time to give up on FSTs. Maybe time to switch over to AIOs and/or pocket diapers. Maybe I judged them too soon. Maybe I will love them now. Maybe they gave my baby a rash because they needed to be stripped. Maybe they gave my baby a rash because he was small then but he's bigger now. Maybe summer is the best time to go to AIOs because it's so hot and they can be line-dried. And I'll have more time because I won't be working outside the house.

Last thing. I got an Easter dress for $27. I got a little suit for Albert for $7.50. Do we get dressed up again and take our own photos or just move on? Do we head over to a portrait studio and have a professional take the photos indoors? Do we hire someone to take the photos here at our house indoors or meet them somewhere outdoors? I hate wondering if I will regret not taking the photos. I went so far as to find the portrait studio and to get the digital files (which I would want) costs $99.

Ok I think that's most of the thoughts in my mind. So I guess that means time for breakfast and actual work. I mean school work.

Love this 

https://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/how-to-discipline-14-month-old

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/14616730903016979

January 2021 thoughts

Happy New Year! My big accomplishment of last month was using up all my Hoopla borrows. I have been binging on the "Jessie Hunt" series by Blake Pierce in audio book format. I rarely use all my 15 borrows, so any month I do is a good month. If you don't Hoopla, it's an app from the Public Library that lets you stream audio/video or read ebooks.

I'm grateful for this group keeping me writing microblogs that I can string together later. It's nice to have a twice daily reminder to write stuff down. My sister's baby was born in October and she didn't get a baby book. Not sure why I'm so obsessed with keeping records, but I think it's because I have a pretty bad memory. I hope that if everything is in the cloud, I can look at it later and remember. And if not in the cloud, I will have a few selected printed memories.

I have started telling stories to LO from memory. It's interesting trying to come up with a long enough story to help him fall asleep. I tell him memories from my life, e.g. how I met daddy, my first half-marathon, trips I took for work. I tell him any fairy tales, fables or movie plots that I can remember. It's nice. No nightlight. No pages to turn or rip. He doesn't know what I'm saying but it seems to do the trick. Then after he's asleep, I put on the audio book to put me to sleep.

We went out for a walk today. Saw lots of other families. Even one who had a kid within 2 weeks of our baby's age. I commented to DH that if not for COVID we would have asked for their phone number and set up a playdate and maybe even taken turns babysitting each other's kids. These are our neighbors. This is our neighborhood. Simple as that. But because of COVID, we stay away from each other. It's so sad and we didn't plan to have our babies in isolation. Never forget this bumper community. We all know some of what each other are going through, even though we each have a unique journey. I don't know how history will remember this time, but I hope HERstory will remember how we all jumped online and gave freely our ideas and support for each other.

Jan 3: I just started following Evolutionary Parenting. So far winter has been brutal because DH wants the house at 70 degrees and I am happier at 63.

Jan 4: My Fit4Mom group meets outside, wears masks, and the instructors do temperature checks. I stopped going in person because for me it isn't fun working out in a mask, the restrooms are closed, and it's a 25 minute cross-town drive. They have daily Zoom workouts so I am still working out, just not out of the house.

We almost ran out of disposable diapers and so DH actually started using cloth. It was the most buy-in I've ever seen and it was glorious.

Also I challenged DH to be fully in charge of all timing of LO's meals and sleeps. He decided when, where, what, all of it. I enjoyed the mental vacation immensely.

I have been avoiding stupid work virtual modules on harassment, data security, etc since I went on mat leave. Did the 1st one out of four that I'm behind on this morning. LO was playing independently then crawled over to me and bonked his head on the leg of the desk. It was approaching naptime so I put him in a carrier. We've mastered BFing in the carrier, so that kept him distracted for a bit. But he wouldn't go to sleep. Bounced and swayed, no nap. Sang Alouette, Gentille Alouette (highly recommend) and a fit of giggles. Finally finished the stupid 1 hour module and put baby down for a nap. Only 3 more modules to go...

It used to be so easy to sit down with a cup of coffee at the computer and knock this stuff out. Now I want to spend my precious few productive minutes doing ACTUAL work like updating syllabi and preparing lessons. I'm sorry but I really hate these virtual training modules. I wish I could pay a task rabbit to login as me and do them.

Had a dream about circumcision last night. LO was crying and saying 'don't take my duckie.' WTH? We didn't circumcise because of COVID lockdown and LO's hernia surgery was traumatic enough. DH said it probably won't happen. So I think I was dreaming of LO whimpering because he was ACTUALLY whimpering because he's teething. And I know he's fond of his 'ducky' because he grabs it during every diaper change, but he certainly can't say entire phrases yet.

Started calling Albert SHARKNADO 🦈because he is a biter. When he bites while breastfeeding, I end the nursing session.

I think this is the phrase "sleep when the baby sleeps" coming back to bite us. My husband does this too, like always defaulting to trying to get LO to sleep and then wondering why it doesn't work.

We only fed LO one meal yesterday because DH got home early from work and our nap/activity schedule was all off. The baby is still BF so it's ok. But I get tired of always being the one to think of feeding and nap schedules. Sometimes like yesterday I wait to see if DH will spontaneously feed LO but that's ridiculous. DH doesn't even responsibly feed himself. He waits until he's super hungry and then eats junk food. Like why would I even think he could be reliable in feeding LO?

I just keep hoping DH will come around. The trouble starts when we're both here. DH can be very good about feeding LO when mommy's not around.

I'm sad DH spent $350 on a third vacuum. I feel like I do extra work around here to save $12. He doesn't clean. I begged him to just use what we have, which works fine BTW. He just 'fixes' things by throwing money at problems. But... I DID find out why he doesn't use one of the vacuums we already have by talking it through. He used our current second vacuum ONCE on the day he bought it. While I was pregnant he wanted a lightweight vacuum so I wouldn't have to carry the one we keep upstairs up and down. Our townhouse is two levels. Anyhow, he use it ONE Time Only and ended up knocking over and breaking a lamp. Now he just doesn't ever vacuum. I guess he got traumatized. So now he's buying a super pricy cordless vacuum and at least I know why. Still I asked him to buy me a $10 push broom while he's at it. I want it to clean the garage so I can do my fitness in there while DH is out at work. I've been wanting it for months so I think it's a fair compromise.

Our Walmart (Porter Ranch, Los Angeles, California) shut down for "cleaning." With regards to COVID: We [as a nation] have demonstrated the outcome when a patchwork of half-hearted strategies are used. Wonder how different the outcome would have been with a consistent directive.

Jan 15: Had spent winter break planning to teach remotely. Got a last minute change in schedule. Now teaching an in-person lab class. Tiny bit more pay. Lot more COVID risk. Possibly less prep for teaching. Possibly less grading time. Definitely more contact hours (time away from LO). Childcare now more complicated.

Researching how and where to get COVID test. Talking with colleague about how to handle if a student gets sick. His answer: Nobody got sick last semester. Yeah sorry. The # of cases is 4x higher than the last surge over the summer and 10x higher than baseline so I anticipate someone testing positive. What if it's me?

I find it irresponsible to not have a plan in place and in the syllabus for what we'll do if any of us test positive. Gonna call my insurance and ask how many tests are covered. If I can, I will get myself tested weekly. If our sports players and elected officials can get daily tests, I can too.

Trying to stay positive. Trying to get information. Don't know when I can get vaccination. We're dispensing Tier 1 now, which is health care workers and seniors. Tier 2 is teachers. They're saying seniors have to wait until February at least. I will likely be interacting with students in-person before then.

I know we will be wearing masks and social distancing. It will be my job to ensure everyone (all 8 students) stay in compliance. It's hard to do lab work in glasses, goggles and a mask. I know: whaaaaa. <sarcastic crying, playing tiny violin> I know Healthcare workers have to wear lots of PPE these days. I just need to adjust my thoughts. I was not planning for this.

I taught a lab last semester but it was virtual. I wore all the PPE so I know I can do it. But I wasn't looking after the students in person. It is hard to get them to keep their goggles on in non-COVID times. They always complain that their goggles fog up. Just imagine how much worse it will be with masks. Ugh.

Jan 20: Had a Zoom work meeting yesterday. My colleague who has 3 kids pointed out again that my LO is the perfect age to be in quarantine. As opposed to her school-age kids which are driving her crazy. While this might be true, it's just so unhelpful to play pain Olympics. I love staying home with LO. I'm sorry her kids stress her out. I hate that she aggressively compares her experience to mine. Moms with older kids will never know what we who gave birth right when lockdown started have experienced.

This post-holiday surge in COVID-19 cases has my mom second-guessing her trip to be here for LO's 1st bday. Fine. I don't want her getting sick. But it's a FUCKING LONG GRIEVING PROCESS for us parents of pandemic babies. We lost a lot and continue to have our joy stolen with each milestone. I am getting renewal notices from stuff we signed up for like museums, parks and zoo memberships. I dreamed of taking the baby on outings. We paid those memberships and didn't use them once. Seeing the renewals is another reminder of what could have been. We are learning quietly about extended family members who have died of COVID-19. We continue to quarantine. I just can't get excited about inauguration day because it feels like a different figurehead but Pandora's box is already open. It doesn't solve the immediate problems.

I know some of my panic is because 1 in 3 people in my county are infected. I start in-person teaching next month. I only have 8 students in the classroom but that means 3 of us might be infected at any given time. They are opening up a vaccination drive-thru on campus but only people over age 65 are invited to sign up at this time. There's probably no way I will be immunized before I begin teaching. Gah. Sorry for the rant. On a positive note... I did a Zoom workout on Saturday with the lady who was my fitness instructor while I was pregnant in pre-COVID times when we did in-person workouts. She remembered me and got to see LO through Zoom. It was cute. She did a nice meditation at the end of the workout.

Jan 21: For the nails 💅 morning is better than evening. It's so bad here I do like just the index finger on both hands then wait until the next feeding. Then do just the middle finger on both hands. Like that until I eventually get to all fingers.

Jan 22: I wish for a solid skin care routine. I feel at a complete loss. It's not a priority. With working part-time (10.5 contact hours + grading & prep) and caring for LO full-time, it is enough that I shower every other day. But my skin on my face is suffering and I need a total reprogram. I just don't have the energy after making decisions about LO all day. I did get a facial roller for myself after meditating on my goals for the new year. A friend sent me a night serum. So I guess I'm on my way, but I just have to get all the way in. When I was teaching full-time at a prestigious liberal arts college, I was expected to look a certain way. I had a vanity set up in my bedroom and took great pride in keeping up my appearance. That was 8 years ago. On a positive note, I had a craving yesterday for a maxi-dress. My friend sent me one in the mail about a month ago. I put it on and tapped into my mother goddess energy. I put LO in a ring sling and felt like an Instagram model.

Jan 23: My friend told me her husband didn't get good at "dadding" until their kid was 4 or 5 years old. Maybe the long view is something to look forward to. I know I get so resentful when I feel all the feelings. I rarely get a break and my husband's specialty is supervising naps (so he can sleep too). He rarely initiates LO's meals. But, when our babies aren't babies anymore, maybe our DHs will be able to watch them for longer periods of time. I know we still BF so I'm needed every 2 hours or so.

I am WEARY today. Tired to the bone. Crying for no reason tired. Classes start in 2 days. Feeling fine about it. I must have faith that we'll figure out a new routine. Maybe it's the emotional hangover from inauguration week. Maybe it's because LO is clingy, teething and up at all hours of the night nursing. I am so grateful to Mashup Mom for a weekly meal plan. I did a bunch of cooking early this week and then ate leftovers. I did get a bit sad that I'm not losing weight, but it isn't my main priority right now. Put photos in LO's baby book for months 9 and 10. Also crawling and standing milestones. No birthday plans for LO. I guess we'll play it by ear with where we're at with vaccinations and community spread at that time. Sad but better safe than sorry.

Jan 26: My department gave me a third class to teach at 6:37pm on Saturday. Class starts in 75 minutes and I'm mostly ready. But dang! That was some last minute $&!#.

Jan 28: Our wedding anniversary is in March and I just asked DH if there's anything he wants to do. We will have been married 13 years if we make it 2 more months. I feel my identity is "mom" now and also "teacher" because I'm working. It seems like "wife" comes last (or not at all). DH was like... isn't it enough that we're doing our part to propagate our species by raising LO? What do you want, to lock ourselves in the bathroom and get freaky for 20 minutes? I'm like... No thank you. But I am a little jealous of all the pregnancy announcements. Glad some of us are getting lucky. We are staying home because of the pandemic, so going out to celebrate is not an option.

Jan 30: Thanks to a recommendation from one of you all I got arch supports in mid-October. I pushed through workouts despite a lot of foot pain. Gradually my feet got stronger. Now I can exercise (and everything else) without arch supports. I also started taking collagen in my morning coffee in mid-November. Can't say for sure it's working, but I am much stronger. I still feel pain in my knees but I probably just need to stretch more. In September I started weekly meal planning. Mid-November I started following Mashup Mom and shopping at Aldi. It has reduced my stress and provided healthy food for my family. Another brilliant recommendation from this group. As a scientist, I would love to know cause and effect. But in terms of health, a holistic approach is not focused on one variable or one outcome. On the whole I feel better.

I totally want one of these. we're using this piece of crap right now. I have it wrapped in a sheet but it's not comfortable.

December 2020 thoughts

I gave LO a pacifier the other day and he played with it happily for about 20 minutes, which is longer than some toys. He put all parts of it in his mouth and chewed. His coordination is so good now, he can manipulate it even though it had no "handle."

I had a dream that I got fired and it made me so happy. Even though we're virtual, in my dream all the students showed up in person. It has been SO HARD. I feel so stressed. DH takes LO out during my class so I don't hear the crying. But otherwise baby is here. If I try to work, LO has taken to screaming at me. If I don't hold him for naps, he only sleeps for 10 minutes.

I used to be on campus 40+ hours per week at 93% of full-time. We always planned for me to keep working until my student loans are repaid, but that's 5 years from now. We had planned to put LO in daycare 3 days per week, which would have cost 1/3 of my salary. Because of COVID we are keeping LO at home instead.

DH is supposed to be "on call" but he still goes to campus 5 days a week and sits in his office blogging, day trading, and doing non-profit work. When he's here, I get upset because he's always falling asleep and not watching or playing with LO. So we end up bickering.

I don't know if what we're doing is best for each of us or not. It's just what is. I don't know what we'll do next semester. It all depends on what classes I'm offered. We're for sure virtual again. Daycare is available. We're just choosing to go without. I hate the circumstances but I love my baby.

We love rain 🌧 https://youtu.be/ajABt8KCho8

I'm still stressed from Monday when I looked at the nutrition facts on the baby's rice cereal. I started feeding rice after my pediatrician shamed me for exclusively breastfeeding for the first 4 months. She said the baby looked pale and I should start giving baby cereal with iron. Yea so I looked at the box and it said serving size 4 tablespoons. The entire box is only 16 servings. One box has been lasting me over a month. Strike 1. Then I looked at the iron. A full serving provides baby 60% of the RDA for iron. Strike 2.

So today I tried feeding the baby like 3 times as much as I normally give him. He's a super slow eater. Like breakfast started at 8am and ended at 11am. WTF? This can't be right.

Albert seemed to be spitting up more lately too after a temporary improvement. Dunno what that's about.

We spent Dec 6th childproofing after a nice breakfast, clean kitchen, doing laundry, going to groom the dog, holiday cards are almost done, maybe we'll hang lights upstairs.

We took LO to look at Xmas lights. DH took an "In-N-Out Day" picture of me and LO. All in all, an epic weekend. I realized that my kitchen is actually my refuge and I WANT to spend more time in there. Planning to bake so many holiday treats this year. Ordered supplies on Amazon so today I am on "package watch."

The March 2020 Bumper group has lots of discussion about TTC which I'm like cool cool cool. Some are happy to be already pregnant again. And I'm like having all these thoughts about miscarriages. For them. They're posting pics of lines on sticks and I'm just thinking how that doesn't mean you're going to get a live baby, but I don't say anything.

I had my son via C-section and I'm 40 years old. Even though I would want another, I don't think it will be possible. So it is hard for me to read about other pregnancy posts. I'm like can't we just keep the group focused on the ones we already have? If you start another, can't you share that with the other Bumper group? We have to put CW and TW on posts about breastfeeding and sleep, why can't all TTC posts go somewhere else?

Then comes one thread about TTC using some [banned term] method to get the gender you want and I have no idea what that is, but it made me pretty upset. I wrote a kind of snarky comment about IVF and genetic testing as a way to get the gender you want. The OP said, "if you can't tell, this is meant to be lighthearted and just for fun." Well I guess I still have some lingering resentment that I didn't have that fun TTC experience.

DH tries to help by napping with LO but when DH is awake, he's always dumping LO into a container and walking away.

Dec 10: I'm so tired today. I'm tired of feeding LO. I'm tired of being behind at work. I'm tired of trying to do everything here at home. I asked DH to watch LO last night after bedtime because I forgot to eat and I was so hungry I couldn't sleep. Pretty much right when I got done eating, LO started crying so I didn't get much of a break. I got a little bit upset with DH last night because we sit on our neighborhood sustainability committee. On a zoom call last night, DH was ignoring LO, sushing him, pushing him out of the frame. It made me feel like LO is at the center of my life but only in the margins of my partner's life. That hurt. DH goes to work outside the home for 5 hours, 5 days a week. I have no idea what he does all that time, he can do whatever he wants. Meanwhile, I have left the house without LO once only for about 3 hours since he was born. Yeah yeah yeah. It was my idea to EBF. I get kind of tired of DH pointing out that it was my idea. I didn't know it would be like this. I know it's temporary, but it's so all consuming. I'm almost done with this semester. Taught 3 classes. Got my schedule for next semester, only 2 classes. So that's good b/c less work but bad b/c less pay. About half what I have been making for the past 7 years. Fuck COVID. I used to teach 5 classes but I took my mat leave in the form of a reduced workload for this semester. I hate doing part-time WFH with no childcare. It's putting strain on my relationship with DH.

Dec 11: I had a mental flashback to when we were all pregnant and worrying about nurseries and packing a hospital bag. It seems both like a long time ago AND yesterday.

Dec 15: I saw a work colleague while doing a socially distanced secret santa dropoff. I haven't seen him since I was 7 months pregnant. So weird.

Dec 18: Wow, T. G. I. F. This was the last week of the semester where I went back to work with a new baby. I'm so glad I will never have to relive this experience ever again. I almost cried yesterday when I finished grading student work. My LO is having so much teething pain. He's been difficult to get to nap during the day and he's having a hard time going down at night. He's biting while nursing so there's that.

Dec 21: We went for a walk last night to look at Christmas lights. DH has a three day week. LO is teething. I can feel uppers coming in. The bottom two erupted together. Not sure what's happening in the upper jaw but it must be painful. Been giving Tylenol infrequently as it can help with naps and bedtime but trying to use it as needed and not as a matter of routine. Aldi unsweetened applesauce was a big hit at lunch yesterday.

I was reflecting on this semester and I was like DAMN. GIRL. YOU. DID. THAT. Great job. Those people's experiences are not like ours. We have our own challenges like really doing all the things and doing them well and not asking for extra time or compensation. I feel motherhood has changed me for the better WRT how I treat my students and I guess I have lost some respect for my childless colleagues who complain about how little time they have.

Got some supplies for sewing 2 quilts. Want to stay productive during lockdown. 1st one is going to be made by cutting up receiving blankets. All flannel pastels. 2nd one is fabric from MIL all navy white and gold with a nautical theme.

The crib quilt I sewed for LO is coming in handy finally. Used it to protect the carpet from spit up at MIL's over Thanksgiving. Also wrap LO in it when he's on my lap listening to bedtime stories. We used to nurse to sleep but between his teething pain and my fear of getting my nipple bit off, we're starting to do storytime until he drifts off.

Definitely spent more than I wanted to at the craft store. I will try to save the receipt and return anything I don't use. Found out I will be working at 50% of my normal schedule for spring. Good News: we can keep going without childcare, spend more time with LO, continue BF. Bad News: we are going to keep going without childcare, no rest, no break, less pay.

We had an awkward Zoom party with our coworkers and LO was super fussy throughout. It was a major struggle even though it was well intended. DH and I work in the same department. He was like: notice how nobody else's kids were on the screen? It's because their spouses were minding them. We didn't have that option. 

Dec 28: Just coming here to say that I used our toilet sprayer and shield for the first time today. We cloth diaper part-time. Since we started feeding LO solids, his poops were very plop-able. Today there was a clingy situation and the sprayer worked great. Was it worth $70 to have the sprayer and shield? There are some unanswerable questions in parenthood. I'm no economist, but using it one time only has been pretty unsatisfying. Not that I want to be spraying every day. Once is fine. I have convinced myself that it is our emergency bidet in case the world goes crazy and starts hoarding toilet paper again.

Dare I do the math for the rest of the cloth diaper nonsense I bought? My husband is a big fan of disposable diapers. I prefer cloth because I just hate thinking of those disposable diapers in the landfill. But I don't use most of what I have. Several friends gave me their stashes. Plus I bought some. In the beginning, it was so confusing. Now I keep it simple so I only use flats and covers. I have a ton of pockets and fitteds that I'm not even using. 

I must ask my friends who gave me their pockets and fitteds if they will be wanting them back. I have 28 flats and we wash every other day if we don't use any disposables. I will definitely sell the AIOs I bought. I keep holding everything for now to see if our preferences change as LO continues to grow. I have no idea of when we will potty train, hence how much longer we will need all the diaper stuff.

Same goes for homemade purees. Dare I calculate the cost of homemade versus store-bought? I'm not a complete eco-freak. I just like cooking. I enjoy making the purees. But sometimes I wonder: is it worth the time and effort? Is it even worth the time it took me to think about and write this post? I do try to think of our options as "all of the above" and not be too rigid to use a combination of whatever makes sense. COVID restrictions have been so game-changing in the sense that I'm home all day every day so there's really no excuse to not use the CDs and make homemade food. Unless I just don't have the energy. Which happens sometimes.

One thing is for sure... I love my baby. I totally felt overwhelmed by the transition from bottles/BF to purees. Still haven't made the leap to puffs/solids.

Dec 30: Started packing up the Christmas decorations today. It's the only project that seems to make sense right now. LO was super fussy throughout breakfast but then cracking up laughing while watching me dismantle a wreath made of eucalyptus. Silly goose.

If you can fit one large mat in your vehicle/house, I would recommend against the puzzle mat. I am getting pretty tired of constantly rebuilding it when the pieces separate. I wish I had one continuous mat. The fence we have is two of these. I got the idea to fence LO in with my computer since I WFH and it's been great. Here's what it looks like with two gates and two alphabet puzzles: Toddleroo Superyard x2.