a mother's love

I stockpile. I take inventory. I squirrel away treats just in case. I plan. I feel like I'm carrying an unfair share of the parenting load.

I think part of the problem is that I had an overachieving mom and my husband had a somewhat absent dad. So my expectations for myself are high while his expectations for himself are very low. He feels it is perfectly acceptable to spend 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes in the evening interacting with our son. The thought of reading a book is something he balks at, he avoids changing clothes, he doesn't want to take the kid in and out of his carseat, he doesn't put food on the table, initiate learning activities, do crafts, help with hygiene... the list of things he will do is very short. Naps or watch TV.

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. Like, I enjoy spending time with my kid and I believe that developmentally it's still better for him to be with his mama than for him to be in daycare. This is only a gut feeling, I'm not basing it on any sort of data or scientific study. I'm just basing it on how I feel and the vibes I get from kiddo.

That being said, we just got a report stating that he does not have a severe enough speech delay to qualify for extended services through regional center. He does have an IEP and he will get extra lessons from the public school system. But only during the school year. I do feel under qualified to help him with this. And I'm torn. It's like some people think it's all gonna work itself out and other people think he has a severe delay. I used to believe he would catch up and just be fine but I feel differently now. I feel it is a problem now and it may continue to be a problem next year. 

Not that having a 100% normal average kid is the goal. It's not. Nor do I feel my kid should be exceptional. But I worry... am I enough as a parent? Am I doing enough? Last summer I just didn't worry about it but this summer feels different. The pressure to do potty training hinges on his ability to communicate. I used to think that loving him was enough and the most important thing. But now I feel obligated to do flashcards and read books and also I feel like my co-parent isn't taking part in this responsibility. Not to mention all the other things like cooking. Cleaning. Shopping. Inventory. 

And add to all this: we were sick last week, kiddo and me. I tried to communicate that I was struggling and that it was a hard week. I tried asking for help. Daddy didn't help but mommy and kiddo survived. I initiated the Teledoc appointment. I picked up the prescription. Now daddy is sick and it's a national emergency. He can't help at all now that he's sick. It is not fair.

I know men and women aren't built the same but right now I am fed up with the way DH can arrive home from work, watch 3 hours of TV, not lift a finger around the house. He expects me to prepare all meals and serve it to him in his armchair. All the while our 3-year old is annoyingly buzzing around me and I don't get a break 24/7. I have to do everything with the kid. Phone calls, sleeping, cooking, cleaning, reading, playing. We are inseparable.

Yes, I know I could do better at carving out time for myself. And maybe that's what I must resolve to do. Or just expect 0% help from my partner and then be delighted when he loads the dishwasher once a year.

I don't want to dwell on anger and resentment. I am having a moms beach day with my friend who is sadly moving to another state. It will be the summer solstice. I hope we have a great day and that nobody gets hurt. No ER visits. Please. Amen.

summertime

The longest days of the year are here. We are weeks away from the solstice and I feel my energy peaking. Tomorrow is the full strawberry moon. 

I have enjoyed filling my time with visiting friends and family. Even though I said I would never volunteer at another consignment sale, I am working tomorrow at Burbank and then skating at Moonlight Rollerway.

Kiddo is becoming a more independent sleeper. It's noticeable. Sometimes he nurses like crazy, sometimes he's just too busy. We put up bunk beds in the house and they're fun but now we have an excess of furniture and we need to downsize again.

I actually got out my sewing machine today. 

Awesome Sauce

It's hard to put into words the magical mama's visit I had with my sister and aunt recently. It was just so wonderful that it's hard to describe. It was the first significant get-together that we've had since the pandemic, and it was like an ointment or salve to heal my loneliness and isolation that had overshadowed most of my son's life.

We didn't have an agenda for the parks, but we did way more than either of us thought we might. Baby Evelyn's favorite ride was definitely the Little Mermaid, and we rode it twice without having to get off. It was amazing how the little ones were able to sneak in their naps between strolling and babywearing. We explored some things that were familiar to me and did some new things that I'd never done before, and everything was frosted with nostalgia.

We got Genie+ for our second park day and used it for Haunted Mansion and Small World, and it might seem insignificant, but it helped us skip many lines, especially in the afternoon. The parade was so great we both wept for its beauty. I don't want to minimize the whole experience by listing how much everything costs, but I am curious because I want to budget for the rest of the month and next month, and the month after that, haha. Summer is here, and I am trying to plan what we will do to stay busy, keep learning, and incorporate arts and crafts into our daily routines.

• 5/12 - airport pick-up, lunch, last lab ($5 for parking, $103 groceries)
• 5/13 - waffles, campus walk ($13 stroller hooks, $13 Mickey's ears)
• 5/14 - french toast, train, bus, hotel, downtown Disney ($12 pretzels, $27 sweets, $4 fruit)
• 5/15 - DCA, Disneyland, magic key terrace ($24 milk stand, $72 dinner, $65 Genie+)
• 5/16 - Disneyland, Tom Sawyer Island, train, van ($328 hotel, $6 milk, $12 fruit, $38 grey stuff)
• 5/17 - end of year celebration, groceries, meal prep ($24 toys, $32 toys, $151 groceries)
• 5/18 - tie-dye, dance medicine ($95 groceries, $72 gas)
• 5/19 - beach day, tie-dye ($6 parking, $98 for flowers)
• 5/20 - tie-dye breakfast, painting day, IKEA, thrift store ($72 clothes, $42 food)
• 5/21 - yoga in the park, pickup Fitlicious, painting day ($20 yoga, $135 food)
• 5/22 - packing, garden play, downtown Disney day 2 ($24 McDonald's, $22 corndogs, $15 parking, $13 sweets, $19 sweet potato fries & milk)
• 5/23 - airport dropoff ($69 gas, $3 parking)

I really do think we balanced low or no-cost stuff with pricey experiences. We also balanced gogo days with nogo days. For example, we kept everything simple the first two days (Friday and Saturday) and stayed home. It was our Mother's Day to spend with our kiddos at home. Then the next three days (Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday), we got caught up in go-go-go and nearly outdid ourselves. After returning home, we had a couple of chill days (Wednesday and Thursday), where we stayed home and did some cooking, cleaning, and domestic stuff.

The tie-dye was fun, relaxing, and also exhausting but memorable. We were chatting and tying in my garden, which I loved because I love spending time out there. I put in some flowers just to make the space colorful and inviting. It was like a Mother's Day gift to myself to make that space exactly what I wanted it to be for us to enjoy it. Everyone agreed the beach day was a fantastic idea (Friday). Good thing my ladies are all big fans of sunscreen, and I don't think anyone got burned the whole trip! We had a brunch on Saturday to send our aunt off with a full belly.

We really enjoyed all the flowers, trees, bushes, grass, and everything around us as inspiration for the painting with a twist at home. Over the weekend, my husband was helpful in watching the kiddo so that we could do a girls' trip to IKEA and a thrift store (Saturday and Sunday) and finish up our wishing well princess paintings. It was very fun to do yoga in the park, although my sister did the entire flow with a baby napping strapped to her body. We didn't make it out to any Fit4Mom workouts, but that's how it goes sometimes. I'll get back to it tomorrow...FriYay!

Finally, we packed on Monday and did another Disney trip to pick up some souvenirs. It was fun to try to fit in everything we didn't get to do, like corndogs, churros, Mickey cupcakes, popcorn, dole whips, and beignets. We didn't get to everything, but what we tasted was 100% worth the extra trip. We enjoyed different areas of downtown Disney, the Disneyland Hotel, the Grand Californian, and the Pixar Pier Hotel. Again, we did some things I had only heard about but didn't know how to do, so it's always good to do reconnaissance. 

I'm already looking forward to our Nebraska trip to visit with Albert's cousins and grandparents, which will be coming up here in about a month.

month of mama

Love the OneDrive. It has been a game-changer. I can edit and move files at home, at my desktop at work, or on my laptop and it is automatically updated everywhere.

I applied for a staff job and it didn't work out. But in the process of preparing for my sister's visit, we cleaned out our bedrooms of excess stuff and the change has been good.

Summer break is mere days away and I am working like a madwoman to get everything graded before family time (at Disneyland) can commence.

This semester has been a rollercoaster of challenges and triumphs, no different from any other semester. I have resolved to change the things I can and leave the rest alone.

May is month of mama and I don't have any great plans or expectations. Today is Star Wars day so may the fourth be with you.

Mar Apr 2023 thoughts

3/1 - Visited with Diana Chulak, Program Manager of the Family Focus Resource & Empowerment Center here on CSUN campus. She gave me a binder to organize all of the IEP documentation.

3/10 - Soooooo nervous. My kiddo's Individualized Education Program (IEP) meeting starts in 30 minutes. On zoom of course. I don't know why I'm nervous. There's nothing I can do now except participate and follow through and remember DO NOT AGREE to anything right away. I got permission to record the meeting (audio only) so that I can just be in the moment and listen to it again later. He is aging out of early intervention (EI) and aging into whatever services are offered by the public school system. We're gonna find out what they offer at this meeting.

On the plus side, kiddo is aging out of Parent & Me 2 swim lessons and aging into Guppies, Tadpoles or Starfish. Either way, a parent does not have to be in the water.

Update: The IEP meeting was fine. They are offering 1-on-1 speech therapy once per week for 1 hour. They believe he can speak in 3-4 word sentences by July. I'm not skeptical but yet I am. He has not made progress in 7 months of similar therapy. But they said 3 years brings a language explosion. So I am hopeful? I'm so hopeful that he will be able to catch up, but I'm also mindful that he may not. We started EI on the advice of his daycare teacher. Since our Marchling is an only child, we don't really have a frame of reference. He is not delayed in comprehension, just speech, so it's easy for us to forget that he is so different from his peers.

Update update: We had an assessment for EI on April 3rd. He may or may not continue to qualify for their services. They may offer a diagnosis whereas the IEP did not. The person who did the assessment said that there is a new program for ages 3-5 offered through Regional Center and Albert would be a good candidate, she will recommend that. She didn't speak to any specific diagnosis, and it didn't seem that she thought he had any of the major issues (intellectual disability, cerebral palsy, epilepsy, autism).

Update update update: What if we want more therapy and our insurance covers it... does the IEP allow us to get extra sessions covered by insurance? Or what would be the documentation needed by the insurance company?

What we did for this was take the IEP to the year 3 pediatrician appointment (March 28th) and asked her for a referral. This worked but we're still waiting for the referral to arrive in the mail.

3/23 - Oh boy. Trying to process. Birthday. Anniversary. Spring. Easter. Spring Break. Busy. Vacation. Behind at work. What are my priorities?

My To Do list for break included some sewing projects. Stuff that I can't do when LO is here because needles are dangerous and I don't want to sew through my finger.

Break is slipping away. I did an 8-week fitness challenge and it felt so hard to keep up with. I was just happy when it was over.

I think my kid has cavities in his molars. I feel horrible about it. I was so smug that he likes brushing his teeth. But I didn't really make it a priority. He was pointing to his mouth and saying ow ow. Like ouch. I thought he just had seeds from Blackberries stuck or something so I kept giving him water to rinse and swish it out. We were outdoors so I said "look up at the sky with your mouth open" and I could see them. I normally let him brush his own teeth and I haven't stuck my hand in his mouth because he used to bite my fingers when I was checking to see if his last molar had erupted. But I feel like I should've taken him to the dentist every 6 months as recommended. Hindsight I guess. Or maybe I'm overreacting. I'll get a professional opinion soon.

Pediatrician appointment on Tuesday of next week. I delegated it to my husband. He has been having to do a lot more since my teaching schedule is 5 days per week this semester. DH took LO to the initial appointment with the new speech therapist and they had to wrap up early because of a poopy diaper.

I know we're behind on milestones. Stuff like weaning, sleeping in his own bed, potty training, talking, first trip to the dentist. Gosh. I am not feeling like a total failure, just like so tired. The thought of having to get serious about setting boundaries and changing up our routine seems daunting. Like when we started to add solids (purees) on top of breastfeeding. Like just one more thing on top of the heap of things that were already making me feel overwhelmed. Like the straw that broke the camel's back. I guess that's how I feel about this dentist/toothbrush/cavity situation.

4/3 - Milestone Monday: New word = cupcake.

4/4 - Today I thought: it might be a good day to wear lipstick. I haven't worn lipstick for years so I don't know what that means. I also considered coloring my hair, which I haven't done for more than a decade, so I don't know what that's about.

Also, if you're not interested in coming to work in a wearable blanket, I don't wanna know you. We've had the longest, coldest, wettest, windiest winter here in Southern California. And understand, I grew up in blizzard country (Nebraska) but I moved here to get away from the cold. I didn't have a lot of long-sleeved shirts, sweaters or coats. I didn't own the appropriate outerwear. This winter I've had to purchase a bunch of it, it's been expensive, but now I have the warm snuggly stuff. And I am enjoying it. Maybe you wouldn't wear the giant snuggly shapeless garment, or maybe you would wear it around the house but not to work, but I am not afraid to sport it and I love it.

4/25 - Swim Lesson Update: kiddo was promoted to GUPPIES on his skills not his age. So proud!

Post Birthday Blues

Our baby's 3rd birthday has come and gone. I tried not to hype it up too much. Now it's Spring Break for me and kiddo is in daycare so I can "get some work done" and all I'm doing is sitting here looking at pictures of him from this past weekend.

Sunday, March 19th 

Party City (plates, cups) 33.62, Party City (balloons) 36.99, Amazon (beanbags, speaker, road tape) 50.62, Miguel's 114.70, Von's 41.96, City of Newport Beach (parking) 9.30, Parking Anaheim Gardenwalk 3.00 = $290.19 for the Birthday Party

Monday, March 20th

Pretzels Downtown Disney 12.66, Mickey Pretzel Cart 15.00, Sip & savor pass 54.00, "Juice" vitaminwater® açai blueberry pomegranate 4.74, Steak Fries at Flo's V8 Cafe 4.35, Stroller Cover and Ponchos 33.84 = $124.59 for the Disney Days

Tuesday, March 21st

Element Anaheim Resort Conference Center (2 nights) = $571.96 We ended up staying in the hotel a lot more than I thought we would because of the weather, it was cold windy and rainy. We got to watch the fireworks on Sunday night from our room since we had paid extra for "park view."

So I guess I just have to convince myself that this was all good and fun and everything was done in love and inclusivity of family and Albert will remember with the photos that we took that he was cherished and celebrated on the anniversary of his birth. Isn't that what matters?

Jan Feb 2023 Thoughts

Jan 2 - Seems like DH is happy to return to work tomorrow. I, on the other hand, have a couple more weeks of winter break. So I scheduled a lot of "mommy & me" type stuff and two Disneyland days. LO is home with me until school resumes on Jan 23.

Kiddo is showing a strong preference for mommy at diaper change and nap time. I am finally feeling like the house is back in shape after we involuntarily got our fences redone. So much carnage to my garden! We traveled Dec 12-18 and Dec 23-27 so we left the fridge totally empty for most of December. Our fridge is now fully restocked and Christmas is put away and we're caught up on laundry.

Unfortunately we stayed at a cheap hotel for Thanksgiving and brought back fleas. It's been such a stress constantly washing sheets, blankets and couch covers and vacuuming and spraying. I regret being a cheapskate!!! It would have cost us $200 to switch hotels but it will cost $2200 to have pest control come over here and spray. So we're trying to treat it ourselves. And by "we" I mean ME because DH isn't really doing anything to help.

It's like when he's on vacation DH just stops doing chores. When I'm on break from school, he relies on me to do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and childcare. While he naps all day and complains about how tired he is and eats junk food even though he is diabetic. And then he complains when I "drag" him along to playdates and outdoor workouts.

I'm also over DH's lazy parenting style. He lets LO watch cartoons all day. Then he wonders why LO has turned into a whiny monster. I prefer to schedule playdates, go to a park, museum, shopping... anything to keep us busy. I let LO watch 1 hour of TV while he is waking up (6-7am) and 1 hour while I cook dinner (4-5pm). But DH just doesn't take a hands-on approach with LO.

I'm on the floor playing cars or outside chasing LO around. I definitely think the whining is 10x worse if LO isn't worn out. I plan busy boxes with sensory stuff or cooking together or go for a walk, there are literally endless things to do together. It does take time to plan and set up and then it takes initiative to get kiddo going on a new task. It seems like DH just doesn't do that, doesn't want to, doesn't think about it, or doesn't know how.

TLDR I love my husband and I love how he supports me in a lot of ways but I feel like we have very different ideas about how to parent.

Feb 27 - I feel like my life consists of chores. We will "graduate" from early intervention on Marchling's bday and I'm kinda glad. We have had a parade of therapists through our house 2x per week for 7 months now and the # of words kiddo says hasn't changed much. Granted he does say mama, dada and wawa but that's all the progress we've seen. I'm tired of cleaning our house for other people's benefit.

We had an assessment last Friday for transition to public school IEP. Now we wait until March 10th to hear the results and recommendations. I know each of us has our challenges with our kiddos and I love ours dearly. Looking forward to whatever is next in our speech therapy journey.

Feb 28 - "The Perfect Mother" by Aimee Molloy was selected by my mom fitness group as a book club read. It's about a bumper group. I am listening to it for free from hoopla in audiobook format.

I bought three plane tickets to visit my parents this summer: one for me, one for Marchling and one for my husband. My mom is being very negative about it. She wants us to stay with her but she's a hoarder. I asked her to clean out a bedroom but she refused. I booked an Airbnb less than 1 mile away and she's complaining that it's too expensive. Welp. My mom says it would have been easier if DH didn't come but I told her that I want him there. It's been since 2018 that he came "home" to Nebraska with me. My mom only wants to see her grandson and she wants him all to herself. Yet, she promised to come visit us every 6 months and has only been here for the birth, 6 months and 1 year birthday.

Last summer when we went to visit Nebraska, just me and Marchling, we got COVID and had to quarantine the whole visit. I'm already regretting summer 2023 and we haven't even got there yet.