thrashed

 I feel like I'm taking a beating this semester. I feel like I've bent over backwards so many times that I've become a pretzel woman. Just when I think I can't take any more, I have more to deal with and I deal with it. I'm not proud of it. I wish it weren't happening. I don't want to be some kind of wonder woman. I actually want to be able to enjoy my life, do and be less, and be present in the here and now.

What we're doing is juggling our kid back and forth between my husband and I. I have no classes on Monday so I have the kid all day. We go out in the morning to our workout, maybe do some shopping or run other errands, come home and take a nap. I try to knock out some work in the morning and during the nap. I try to knock out a load of dishes and laundry in the morning. The afternoon is kind of a blur with trying to get the kid to eat and maybe preparing dinner or doing a bit more work.

Tuesday is the worst most difficult day of the week. I have the early morning to prepare for classes. I have a morning class that I try to align my son's nap with. Usually it works. Then I have a tiny break to eat lunch and take the kid and dog for a walk. Then I have my afternoon class. Then I have a tiny break, which may involve another nap or at least a rest from Zoom. Then I do office hours and then head out to my night lab. After this day, my neck is killing me and my eyes are burning from all the screen time.

Wednesday I try to do some work, either preparing for class or grading. I have a mid-day lab. I load up the kid in the stroller and walk him over to campus. I drop him off with his dad and then teach my lab. It's a bit stressful because I've never taught this particular lab before so I don't know the details of the procedures or where the equipment is. Thank goodness my kid is conditioned to take in some screen time in the morning so that I can get some work done. He has a capacity for independent play that is a few hours per day. But also thank goodness for the baby carriers and wraps. Getting him to sleep on me allows me to focus and do some good work for an hour or so.

Thursday I have my morning lecture and a midday break. Thursday afternoon I have another lecture. Sometimes my husband is able to come home and sometimes not. Sometimes he tells me he is coming home and sometimes he just shows up at the last minute without letting me know whether he will be coming or not. It's disjointed and unreliable and stressful. Because I do have recordings from last year so if my kid is being unruly or throwing up or having a poopy diaper, I can put on the recording temporarily to get back on track. 

Thursday night I sigh a deep breath and I feel like I can breathe again. I feel like a new person. I can enjoy my son and think about what I need to get done over the weekend and just ignore it.

Friday morning I go to a workout. Saturday morning I go to a workout. Sunday morning I go to a workout. These help unlock the knots in my neck. I'm not trying to be in any kind of great shape. I'm trying to have a community. I'm trying to enjoy some sunshine. I'm trying to have a reason to bring my kid to the park.

We recently tried a meal subscription service and it's been a big help taking grocery shopping, planning, hauling, sorting, washing, chopping and cooking off of my plate. But I definitely feel like I'm not sure we're going to survive this semester. Ok maybe that's being dramatic. We are surviving. We are doing well, somewhat. I'm having a hard time keeping up with work. I've told my husband that I need him to take care of the kid all weekend every weekend from here until the end of the semester. He doesn't think I need that much time. He thinks I need like 2 hours per week to get everything done that I need to do. This is crazy. Who can fit an entire full time job into 2 hours?

Every time I ask for more, he really pushes back on me. He just doesn't have more to give. I guess this is when we would bring in more help. It's a matter of free time. If you want more free time, you have to pay for it. Working more, earning more, paying more. Which do you want? More free time or more free money? We've sacrificed all of our free time (and then some) to save money right now. Because we're in the process of buying our condo that we have been renting for 4 years. It's good to be a homebuyer in the long term. But in the short term, this is really painful. I'm thrashed.

I took a selfie this weekend and my skin is just wrecked. I don't really shower or brush my teeth or cut my nails or shave my legs. I have no time for the most basic FUNDAMENTAL self-care. I only take my vitamins because I believe my baby won't get the nutrition he needs if I'm not taking them.

I guess I could say something positive: I love our jogging stroller. It is serving its exact purpose as a mode of transportation. I was thinking today that I love wheels.

September 2021 Thoughts

Sept 5: My mom came for LO's birth, 6m, 12m. I thought she was planning to come every 6m but now that 18m is here, she's backing out. My MIL is undergoing chemo so we probably won't see her until Xmas. I feel sad.

I might cheer myself up by buying $60 worth of crap for Halloween. It's sitting in my Amazon cart. But I know it won't make me feel better. More holidays during COVID. 

LO has a runny nose from our spontaneous trip to IKEA and now of course I'm thinking the worst and feeling disappointed in myself for taking an unnecessary trip.

Stocked up on 3T pjs and size 7 tennis shoes because LO is growing so fast. Of course he can wear 2T separates but the footed onesies are getting hard to zip. His upper back is sticking out. 

He skipped from size 5 shoes right on past 6 in two months time. Thank goodness for Children's Orchard. We got 6 pairs of shoes and 6 pjs for $60. Used but still lots of life.

Sept 6: We hung a bucket swing in the garage. I am so happy because if I have like 30 minutes free during the day (WFH w/ LO) we can swing for a bit without having to go all the way to a park. We live in a townhouse with a detached garage.

September 9: Week 2 of the semester is over. Just 14 more... LO is teething, biting, sniffling, coughing, throwing food and tantrums, climbing on everything. But I am somehow calm and taking it in stride. There are some moments of super cuteness like his scrunched face smile and waving hi and bye to literally everyone. I love this nugget. And I wish he would eat more.

Sept 11: We have a 1 nap per day kiddo who loves sleeping in the carseat. Cue me eating meals parked curbside under the shade with the car running listening to a podcast or working on my phone just so LO can get a 45 minute nap.

Also, for soothing, my kid has taken to want electronic music on repeat. Like one song over and over for 15 minutes. We have [this](https://www.target.com/p/swaddleme-slumber-buddies-elephant-soother/-/A-18819169) one and LO will turn it to the song he likes, the volume he likes, the light setting he likes and then wind down and go to sleep. I feel silly because I sing to him and enjoy singing, but he really seems to relax to the electronic songs more.

Sept 12: It's silly but I got coordinating Halloween costumes for the family. I put everything in the Amazon cart and left it there to think about it. DH  ordered everything. Glad he did because a few items are backordered and one came in the wrong size, necessitating a return/exchange.

It's a Harry Potter theme. LO is Gryffendor, I'm Hufflepuff and DH is Ravenclaw. Maybe I should add a Slytherin dog outfit just to have representation for all the houses. Haha. I got a tiny broom for LO and he has had so much fun sweeping with it. I didn't get wands because I felt it might not be age-appropriate for LO just yet.

I file this under self-care because it's something to look forward to and with this Neverending pandemic, that is a powerful thing. I would love to take LO to Universal Studios for a photo shoot. I've never been to the HP castle. I wanted to go when I was pregnant but I was too scared to ride rides and miscarry. But it is $89 per person and LO won't remember or be able to ride rides. WWYD? Anyone with theme park experience?

Edit to add: Maybe we will use a zoom background to take a family photo in front of Hogwarts. It's cheaper and ongoing pandemic, yadda yadda. LO and I have a cold from our visit to IKEA a week ago and it sucks teaching with a sore throat. I hate that I used to have a well-heeled immune system and now I feel susceptible to everything. On the upside, my university is paying for weekly COVID screening.

We found a Harry Potter zip up PJ in LO's size at the local Children's Orchard (secondhand). That was the nucleus. I have a Hufflepuff cardigan and tank top. Bought DH a Ravenclaw tshirt. Bought LO a scarf, temporary tattoo scar, lens less glasses and a broom. And an owl stuffie. Not that we're going anywhere. It's all about the social media post. 🤣 Got a green doggie t-shirt and a Slytherin iron-on patch.

Activities at 18m: Swinging, sweeping, play kitchen, car ramp, car races, duplos, dominos, shape sorter, wooden blocks, puppet show, little people farm, water table, bathtime, rubber ducks, musical instruments (drum, maracas, xylophone, castanets), cash register, scooter, tricycle, stroller walk, exercise ball, foam ball, 4 square ball, stacking cups, blankets (I agree with you the laundry folding is a disaster) or handkerchief / bananas.

I WFH and I'm with LO 24/7. Not bragging. We also watch dog or cat TV with animals. He doesn't love messy, mealtime is messy enough. Chia pudding, cottage cheese, soft fruits, puree in pouch, etc is mushy and sensory stimulation.

I have headphones. Also LO likes some independent play as long as at other times he has my full attention so I try to be mindful of that. I am a "tunnel vision" type person when I'm at the computer so it's actually kind of hard to keep an eye and an ear on LO. We have lots of gates so I can confine him to different areas (garage, garden, kitchen, livingroom, upstairs, bedroom A, bedroom B. I have a lot of work that I can do on my phone in Google Docs so I try to reserve some tasks for Multitasking and some tasks when I really need quiet for when DH can take LO to the park, the mall or just out for a drive. There aren't many of those. I'm getting to be much less of a perfectionist. LO is in most if not all of my videos, chattering away and playing. I also babywear, still breastfeeding, so he gets to nap "on" me and I can catch a few hours of productivity that way if he nurses to sleep.

Sept 17: I had such a rough morning yesterday. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I called 3 people. The third person picked up. It was my mom. She asked if I started disciplining LO yet. She said at 1 year old, we can do 1 minute "time outs." It caught me off guard, which pulled me out of my panic attack, which I guess was what I was looking for. But now I can't stop thinking that I'm doing it wrong by not implementing punishment. Phew. I'm feeling better today.

Sept 20: We have our 18m pediatrician visit today. I have bittersweet feelings. I thought my mom would be here. She decided not to visit. I thought LO would be in daycare 1 year ago but with this ongoing pandemic, he is still at home with me 24/7. I had a goal of breastfeeding 6 months. We're still going strong. I am praying that LO is on track for all his growth benchmarks. LO is so adorable and snuggly. I didn't know what it would be like to be a mom, but I love it.

I have not had a menstrual cycle yet. I am tracking PMS each month, about 26 days apart but no Aunt Flo.

Sept 25: Husband rant! I am just too tired to write it. Just feeling ranty. Why? I am exhausted enough to take LO out for a walk and chant "my husband is garbage" for 25 minutes. I thought a walk would help me let go of the resentment but it was still there the whole time and still there when I got back. I think it may be time to put LO in day care because mommy needs a break. 

We are in the process of buying our condo (that we currently live in) which sounds easy but actually has involved lots of hoop-jumping. DH is doing most of the phone calls and paperwork but I'm doing all the cooking, cleaning, childcare, shopping, appointments, and tidying. And working from home. 

I guess we decided to delay childcare for many reasons: cost, LO's age, illness. I don't know how many closing costs we have left to pay and what our monthly budget will look like when/if we transition from renting to paying a mortgage. I think we will eventually put LO in day care or preschool but we want to wait until our finances are more established and predictable. Also, COVID fears and unvaccinated LO is still a thing. Now LO is older than 18m, I hoped the on-campus daycare would call us, but so far it's radio silence. I know they are open but we are on the waitlist.

I felt like I could "do it all" but I am having such negative emotions when its SATURDAY and DH is ASLEEP in the same room where LO is whining and I'm trying to work. Come on Dad and give me a break. Or at the very least don't be in the same room NOT DOING anything to help. Ugh.

Oh it was a day long struggle. He said I need to more clearly communicate my needs. He said it is unreasonable for me to ask for him to care for LO every weekend from now until the end of the semester. He said I need to make a list of specific tasks and prioritize them and sit down and communicate that to him. 

I said, what if you make the to do list and prioritize it and communicate that to me. I think he started to see the hidden burden of doing all the programming and being the cruise director. I don't know if we have found a solution to our conflict. But I did stand up for myself. I think sometimes I don't say anything because I don't want to argue. He said I was being immature for letting myself get so upset and boiling over. But every time I ask for more from him, he pushes back. So if I want more, I cannot keep brushing it under the rug. I have to push.

Sept 26: Self Care Sunday! Heading to "Junk in the Trunk" no-sale swap meet. Cleaned all reusable water bottles we weren't using out of the cupboard. More room for coffee cups. Got rid of a bike rack and a pack n play that were taking up space in the garage.

August 2021 thoughts

Aug 2: It costs $175 for a virtual lactation consult. I cannot seem to find any in person La Leche League meeting. Arrgh COVID.

I think my mastitis is gone. I have been off antibiotics for a week. But there is still a red patch under my nipple on the areola. And there is a gaping crack. Like a little talking puppet mouth. I think that's how I got the mastitis in the first place, not by a clogged duct.

I find it so difficult to advocate for myself. I need help with this. Friends and family ask, "how's the mastitis?" And I say, "it's better." But I don't know what to do now. It's clearly not gone. I mean the cause is still there even if the infection is gone.

Also I have this terrible vasospasm now. After every feed my nipple turns white and painful. And my whole breast hurts as it refills. Happy World Breastfeeding Week!

My husband's idea is for me to quit breastfeeding. But unfortunately it's not a simple lightswitch. Maybe as I'm typing this, I'm convincing myself more and more that I do need professional help.

The IBCLC recommended medi-honey, which I didn't know was a thing, to speed up wound healing. So I will start that today. She had LOTS of helpful suggestions.

Aug 4: Talking on the phone today, my mom said, "I just don't see how you can hold for all naps." I explained that I'm "one and done" and I happen to enjoy the cuddles. Also I am very productive working on my phone. I can write things in Google Docs or Slides, I can send and receive emails, I can read. Wish my mom could understand.

My LO has always BF to sleep and is crap at transferring. So I just make sure to reserve tasks that can be done under a sleeping kiddo for naptime. The other option is carrier naps, which can sometimes happen but are not guaranteed. My least favorite option is cosleep in a bed, after LO is asleep, it's possible to at least use the restroom and/or do some stretching or foam rolling on the floor next to the bed. We SO rarely use the crib. I keep thinking he'll eventually want to sleep independently. Maybe we'll just turn the crib into a toddler bed by removing the rail.

Aug 10: DH has been driving me up the wall lately. The term for it is "weaponized incompetence." Doesn't know what to feed LO. Doesn't know when mealtimes are.  Doesn't change a diaper without being asked or reminded. Doesn't make grocery list. Doesn't do any cooking. Doesn't watch LO while I cook. Just feeling tired and worried about how I'll manage when school resumes Aug 30th. I'm returning at 87% of full-time. Fully online. No childcare.

Correction: due to amendments to my schedule, I am at 93% of full time. OMG 14 units. One prep I have never done before.

DH tends to overestimate his contribution to tasks. We got the book and card deck "Fair Play" and it was interesting that most of his tasks were fun and most of mine were drudgery. And he claimed to help with things that I feel responsible for. I am doing kid-free workouts in the evenings now and I totally look forward to that 2 hours. DH puts on a TV show. He doesn't interact with LO. But I have to just let it be. I'm not perfect.

Ugggh. Parks. When the restrooms are supposed to be open but someone locks themselves in there for an hour. When there is a splash pad but the water is not reliable. When there is trash everywhere and my kid is obsessed with picking up every piece of plastic that doesn't belong. It's been a morning y'all.

And my LO, bless him, doesn't transfer well so I'm sitting in the car in an open parking lot under a shade tree with the car running just so he can get a full nap. The park was only a 9 minute drive from our house.

Aug 11: Why is my LO obsessed with my moles lately? There's one on my belly and one on my arm and he loves to grab and pull them. I try not to react, redirect or block but it's like super soothing for him and he throws a tantrum if I don't allow him to play with it. He's returned to a major grabbing and pulling stage in general. I can't do a back carry without him getting a handful of my hair. I also have to protect the dog. Thank goodness for the "learning tower" which was perfect for keeping LO busy while I was in the kitchen this morning.

I had a vision board for 2021. It was a piece of cardboard with magazine clippings glued to it. My LO really loved ripping off the glossy images. So much so that I am considering making a new one (the original is completely destroyed). Just for LO to rip.

Aug 17: Starting to prepare for a return to work after having the entire summer off. I feel sick at the thought. We have decided to juggle LO between myself and my husband. It works because we work at the same University which is right across the street from our house. But I feel LO is so needy and aggressive when he doesn't have my attention, I don't know how we'll manage. I'm praying the campus day care has a spot for us. They take 18 months and older. That's one month from now.

I will be teaching 4 classes. Three I've done before, all virtual. One is new and it's in person. I am praying that nobody brings COVID into the classroom, which I'm pretty sure is the same prayer that every parent whose kids are going back to school is praying right now. I know life has to go back to normal eventually. But I've never had to balance work and parenting and a pandemic before. I feel like I'm failing at adulting.

Aug 23: Milestone Monday: Stairs. He's getting better at going down. Up is no problem but down is happening now. Kind of a butt-scoot situation. Can do it without sitting if holding someone's hand. So cute.

Last night LO was "moonwalking" from one room into another repeatedly. So funny!

Aug 25: OMG we bought a Amazon Kindle Fire 7 for the kiddo. It keeps him from whining for my phone. It's a bigger screen and has that big case so he can hold it comfortably. So far I like it. I wish there was a better way to filter the content. It's hard to navigate.

Aug 26: NBR

I had a meltdown over zoom with a colleague who tried to mansplain. Now I am experiencing an emotional hangover. I would not have stood up for myself like I did today prior to becoming a mom. This colleague was treating me like a subordinate even though we are equals. I am so sick of being accused of being "defensive" like it's a bad thing. If someone is bullying me, I will defend myself. Momma bear on the loose!

Aug 28: Had my BFF from high school over for 4 hours with her DH and two LOs who are 4 and 5 years old. It was wow loud. It's great to have her  in my life, she is moving back to SoCal from FL. I hope we can find a way for our families to coexist because this first visit was rough.

Aug 28: Sunday night 11pm. Can't stop scrolling. School starts tomorrow. Ugh. LO is sleeping so sweetly. His scent is everything.