I think my mastitis is gone. I have been off antibiotics for a week. But there is still a red patch under my nipple on the areola. And there is a gaping crack. Like a little talking puppet mouth. I think that's how I got the mastitis in the first place, not by a clogged duct.
I find it so difficult to advocate for myself. I need help with this. Friends and family ask, "how's the mastitis?" And I say, "it's better." But I don't know what to do now. It's clearly not gone. I mean the cause is still there even if the infection is gone.
Also I have this terrible vasospasm now. After every feed my nipple turns white and painful. And my whole breast hurts as it refills. Happy World Breastfeeding Week!
My husband's idea is for me to quit breastfeeding. But unfortunately it's not a simple lightswitch. Maybe as I'm typing this, I'm convincing myself more and more that I do need professional help.
The IBCLC recommended medi-honey, which I didn't know was a thing, to speed up wound healing. So I will start that today. She had LOTS of helpful suggestions.
Aug 4: Talking on the phone today, my mom said, "I just don't see how you can hold for all naps." I explained that I'm "one and done" and I happen to enjoy the cuddles. Also I am very productive working on my phone. I can write things in Google Docs or Slides, I can send and receive emails, I can read. Wish my mom could understand.
My LO has always BF to sleep and is crap at transferring. So I just make sure to reserve tasks that can be done under a sleeping kiddo for naptime. The other option is carrier naps, which can sometimes happen but are not guaranteed. My least favorite option is cosleep in a bed, after LO is asleep, it's possible to at least use the restroom and/or do some stretching or foam rolling on the floor next to the bed. We SO rarely use the crib. I keep thinking he'll eventually want to sleep independently. Maybe we'll just turn the crib into a toddler bed by removing the rail.
Aug 10: DH has been driving me up the wall lately. The term for it is "weaponized incompetence." Doesn't know what to feed LO. Doesn't know when mealtimes are. Doesn't change a diaper without being asked or reminded. Doesn't make grocery list. Doesn't do any cooking. Doesn't watch LO while I cook. Just feeling tired and worried about how I'll manage when school resumes Aug 30th. I'm returning at 87% of full-time. Fully online. No childcare.
Correction: due to amendments to my schedule, I am at 93% of full time. OMG 14 units. One prep I have never done before.
DH tends to overestimate his contribution to tasks. We got the book and card deck "Fair Play" and it was interesting that most of his tasks were fun and most of mine were drudgery. And he claimed to help with things that I feel responsible for. I am doing kid-free workouts in the evenings now and I totally look forward to that 2 hours. DH puts on a TV show. He doesn't interact with LO. But I have to just let it be. I'm not perfect.
Ugggh. Parks. When the restrooms are supposed to be open but someone locks themselves in there for an hour. When there is a splash pad but the water is not reliable. When there is trash everywhere and my kid is obsessed with picking up every piece of plastic that doesn't belong. It's been a morning y'all.
And my LO, bless him, doesn't transfer well so I'm sitting in the car in an open parking lot under a shade tree with the car running just so he can get a full nap. The park was only a 9 minute drive from our house.
Aug 11: Why is my LO obsessed with my moles lately? There's one on my belly and one on my arm and he loves to grab and pull them. I try not to react, redirect or block but it's like super soothing for him and he throws a tantrum if I don't allow him to play with it. He's returned to a major grabbing and pulling stage in general. I can't do a back carry without him getting a handful of my hair. I also have to protect the dog. Thank goodness for the "learning tower" which was perfect for keeping LO busy while I was in the kitchen this morning.
I had a vision board for 2021. It was a piece of cardboard with magazine clippings glued to it. My LO really loved ripping off the glossy images. So much so that I am considering making a new one (the original is completely destroyed). Just for LO to rip.
Aug 17: Starting to prepare for a return to work after having the entire summer off. I feel sick at the thought. We have decided to juggle LO between myself and my husband. It works because we work at the same University which is right across the street from our house. But I feel LO is so needy and aggressive when he doesn't have my attention, I don't know how we'll manage. I'm praying the campus day care has a spot for us. They take 18 months and older. That's one month from now.
I will be teaching 4 classes. Three I've done before, all virtual. One is new and it's in person. I am praying that nobody brings COVID into the classroom, which I'm pretty sure is the same prayer that every parent whose kids are going back to school is praying right now. I know life has to go back to normal eventually. But I've never had to balance work and parenting and a pandemic before. I feel like I'm failing at adulting.
Aug 23: Milestone Monday: Stairs. He's getting better at going down. Up is no problem but down is happening now. Kind of a butt-scoot situation. Can do it without sitting if holding someone's hand. So cute.
Last night LO was "moonwalking" from one room into another repeatedly. So funny!
Aug 25: OMG we bought a Amazon Kindle Fire 7 for the kiddo. It keeps him from whining for my phone. It's a bigger screen and has that big case so he can hold it comfortably. So far I like it. I wish there was a better way to filter the content. It's hard to navigate.
Aug 26: NBR
I had a meltdown over zoom with a colleague who tried to mansplain. Now I am experiencing an emotional hangover. I would not have stood up for myself like I did today prior to becoming a mom. This colleague was treating me like a subordinate even though we are equals. I am so sick of being accused of being "defensive" like it's a bad thing. If someone is bullying me, I will defend myself. Momma bear on the loose!
Aug 28: Had my BFF from high school over for 4 hours with her DH and two LOs who are 4 and 5 years old. It was wow loud. It's great to have her in my life, she is moving back to SoCal from FL. I hope we can find a way for our families to coexist because this first visit was rough.
Aug 28: Sunday night 11pm. Can't stop scrolling. School starts tomorrow. Ugh. LO is sleeping so sweetly. His scent is everything.
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