Monday, December 21, 2020

Mashup Mom to the Rescue

I have lots of support in my life right now. These moms are real people but I interact with them virtually. I am so grateful to have this community. Oh and of course my actual mom, who came here to take care of all of us for a few weeks.

The graph above shows my weight. Between 18th of December 2019 and 18th of March 2020, I was still gaining weight because I was pregnant. That huge drop in March is when I had my baby. I was not logging food during the first six months of my son's life because it seemed like too difficult to be waiting for the program when my son needed my full attention. Apparently I did still weigh-in and add those datapoints and it was alarming to see the weight going up and up. 

Thankfully, my mom came out for my son's half-birthday (6 months) around 18th of September 2020. She did a lot of cooking for us and that helped us eat healthier and not get any take-out food. That's when you can see my weight started a downward trend. 


Around that time, I started writing down what to cook. Instead of cooking four huge meals on Sunday, I tried to focus on cooking one thing per day. I tried to find recipes that could be done from start-to-finish in 30 minutes or less of actual chopping and assembly. It was working OK to have meals like the Giant Turkey Meatball that baked for 1 hour because I could feed my son and let him sleep while it was baking.

What food logging does for me is allow me to focus on my macronutrients. I have no idea what was keeping me going for the first six months of my son's life. I know I was craving all sorts of crazy things like biscuits and gravy and trail mix with tons of nuts. I didn't question it, I just made it and ate it. After logging, I realized I had gotten pretty carb heavy (50% or more of my daily calories) and protein light (15% of less of my daily calories). That for me is a recipe for weight gain.


Once I realized how unbalanced my eating habits had become, I tried recipe-swapping with some of the moms in my Bumper group. I got some new appreciation for tofu and veggie burgers and a quick and easy way to add more protein to my days. But I did find it extremely exhausting to plan out the meals, plan out the grocery lists, program the meals into MyFitnessPal, log all the foods and keep up with my actual work and parenting responsibilities. It left me feeling drained and ungrateful, even though some of the foods were delicious.

I started drawing bubbles for the number of servings that the recipe generated as leftovers and then checking off the bubbles as I ate them. This way I could think about what to eat without opening the fridge and staring at the contents. I could plan ahead and log all the food I planned to eat throughout the day to balance my macros while my son was taking his morning nap. I could look back at things I had cooked and if there were unchecked bubbles, it meant we threw those away because it went bad before we had a chance to eat it OR we just didn't like it for whatever reason.


About halfway through November, someone recommended Mashup Mom as a place to go for meal plans. This woman is my hero. She posts grocery lists and what to cook each day. A lot of her recipes are keto and gluten free. The groceries cost less than $60 per week at ALDI. My husband was doing all the shopping with the baby during my classes, so that I could have quiet time here. He liked the way she has a lot of detail for each item including the brand name and price. So far the recipes have been easy to make, we both like them and my husband feels like he is learning new things.

We find that if we "team up" on the recipes, we can get everything cooked even quicker. There are some compromises that we make such as the ALDI packaging is sometimes not recyclable. They have convenient "steam in the bag" type stuff, which is a great time-saver, but also generates waste. The produce is shipped from who knows where, so we're not using produce from the Farmer's Market, but unfortunately we just don't have time for that right now.

Saturday, December 19, 2020

40 week check in

Finally thank God the semester is over. I am grateful to have a job during this pandemic, of course, but it was rife with uncertainty, doubt, stress, fear and anxiety. On the positive side, we showed adaptability, resilience, compassion, cooperation, communication, empathy, community, innovation and growth. So now looking at the lists of these feels, I can see that there were a great deal of positives even though the negatives sometimes overshadowed on a moment-to-moment basis.

Here are the items that I bought:

Here are the items in the "Lecture Capture Kit" provided by my university:

I prefer the webcam that I got myself. It does have a kind of fish-eye effect but as long as your head is in the center of the field of view, I think it does a good job. I also started to use the Zoom filter because the HD webcam showed a few more imperfections than I wanted. The webcam with autofocus, which I used exclusively at school in my office, which does have a busy background I'll admit, seemed to have trouble keeping my face in focus. It was constantly shifting to in-or-out of focus, which I would find distracting as a viewer. 


I only used the USB microphone a few times, but it definitely made me want to start up a podcast. I need to add it to my technology audio test prior to starting next semester to decide what I want to use going forward. There is something to be said for a microphone that picks up EVERYTHING versus a microphone that cancels background noise. Sometimes, for example, if you have a baby crying in the background, you would rather subtract that out instead of amplifying everything.

I was able to use the document camera once for a lecture about COVID treatments. The content I covered was so new (to me) and I ended up drawing a lot of molecular structures with crayons and annotating the drawings with ink pen. I don't know if the students got anything out of that class meeting because I didn't make it very interactive, but at least I tried to cover some current events.

The wireless earbuds are so-so. I love using them when I'm with my son because he has a tendency to grab any cords and these keep cords out of his reach. But they do tend to fall out. I probably should have bought a pair that went over the ears. I like their battery life and they had good audio quality but they didn't reliably communicate with my phone and sometimes at work I would plug in the regular earbuds with a cord that came with our phones. The audio quality was similar and superior to the audio from my webcam.

The chest harness was something I used, but as I suspected it jiggled around quite a bit. I did use it when I was filming something right in front of my body, like sample preparation, but more often I used the tripods. That way the camera was stable and was better able to focus on whatever was going on. The forward-facing camera on my Samsung Galaxy S9 was really great for showing objects that were close up and also wider shots like an entire instrument. It was also really good at light-correcting when pointed at a computer screen. Overall my phone was a big help for filming lab, but I probably could have done without the chest harness. Also, when I tried to feed my son during lab breaks, he would get really distracted by the chest harness and forget to eat. It was frustrating.

The ring light I bought is fantastic. I love it. It is great for lighting my face and also I can point it at a document beside my computer. I'm OK with the "LumeCube" provided by my university, it wasn't terrible or awesome. It was pretty freaking expensive. Maybe I'll go back and watch the video of myself where I used it. It was broadcast from my office at CSUN where the lights turn off if I sit still too long. So I was talking about the stars, using my cool huge microphone, and the LumeCube. I felt like a radio host on Coast to Coast.

Friday, December 4, 2020

38 week check in

I want to do Xmas photos. I want to send Xmas cards. I want to make a wreath out of Eucalyptus branches. I want to vacuum the floors. I want to clean the oven. I want to clean the bathrooms. I want locks on all cabinets and drawers. I want all furniture secured to the walls. I want about 100 hours of childcare so I can get my work done. I want people at work to stop asking me to do extra stuff as if I have more free time than they do. I want to see my sisters and my new nephew Theo. I would love to see friends and their kids and have them meet my kid. I want to bake and decorate a gingerbread house. I want to keep up eating healthy meals and working out with Fit4Mom. I want to get more use out of the jogging stroller. I want to get back into rollerskating. I want to see snow. I want to sew 2 quilts. I want to organize my son's toys. I want to sing Christmas carols with a group. I want to go on a "holiday lights" drive, bike ride or walk. I want to get something for my husband's birthday. I want to be more mindful and do daily meditation. I want to clean out more crap from the closets and garage. I want to repopulate my garden with edible plants. I want to sweep the garage and mop the laminate floors. I want to bathe the dog and trim her nails. I want to get together with my cousin and do a local hike here in the valley. I want to take my son on public transportation, a subway maybe. I want to read a good book. I want to go camping. I want to iron-on the "MOM" patch I got from my secret bumper to my breastfeeding sweatshirt.

This month

I had my husband Google "clogged milk duct." My baby was BF like crazy (8x per night) in the last week of October, now LO can't fit into his 12m sleepers, and I guess clogs are more common after growth spurts. Where's my vibrator? 😆 Guess it's time for a hot shower.

Saturday night we gave LO a bath and we couldn't zip the 12m sleeper over his leg! Last week's suspected growth spurt is real.

We went to Target to buy a new food processor because our old one broke. Found out that footie PJs in size 18m are rare and expensive ($14). We ended up driving ~30 minutes away to a secondhand shop. I picked up 8 sets of PJs for under $30. Most are separates. Most don't have feet. One is fleece, which I feel is going to be too warm, but I bought it anyway.

One day DH tried to do his morning routine with baby and he was much more understanding after that. Our LO gives you about 5 minutes to shit, shower and shave. That's what I've been dealing with for 233 days. DH experienced it one day and felt like he missed out on his spa time.

Definitely got out all the holiday decorations, which I normally don't do. We usually celebrate elsewhere and refrain from decorating here at home. But I'm thinking that if I just get it all out now, it will be worthwhile to leave it up for a couple of months. I don't know.

We booked a getaway for DH's birthday next month. It's a mountain cabin. We last stayed there 10 years ago. We might get snow and I am kind of hoping for it.

We're getting together with SIL in 2 weeks for a family hike. Is that enough time to practice back-carrying LO? I have been consistently babywearing but 99% inward facing front carry. I don't think a stroller will work for the hike. I guess we have some time to practice. The one & only time I tried back-carry, LO arched his back and was being all weird and floppy.

I was thinking about superheros. Like do they ever wake up in the morning and think... I don't feel like putting on the cape and tights today. I don't feel like saving lives. I'm sure they do. Parents are superheros for raising these little ones. It's just a thought I had while emptying the dishwasher, doing a load of laundry, feeding LO breakfast, doing a barre workout and planning a surprise for DH who is a veteran. I mean... superhero stuff, right?

I am pretty behind at work. DH is like "I'm sure you'll be caught up if you just have an hour to work, right?" And I'm like, bro, there's at least 8 hours worth of work to be done. I'm really dragging to the finish line of the semester. Two more experiments, two more units, two more chapters, but final exam to write, final papers and presentations to grade. Plus I am about 3 labs and 3 quizzes behind. But my baby is cute. And I'm trying to give myself grace for rolling with all the COVID-related adjustments to content delivery.

Every day I think about doing something cute for Christmas cards but it just keeps getting pushed back due to dealing with the everyday job of keeping the house tidy and cooking. I feel like I'm just constantly getting stuff out or putting stuff away.

DH has maxed out his vacation hours. Like if he doesn't take some, he'll lose it. So he stayed home today. The plan was for me to catch up on work. I have worked all day with no breaks, except for a workout and a shower. I'm still not caught up. 🥵

Pre-baby I taught 5 classes which kept me on campus 40 hours per week and sometimes more, even though I'm not technically full time. This semester I have only 3 classes  and I'm trying to cruise by with as little effort as possible since we have no childcare for LO. I mean I want to do a basic good job but I'm not going above and beyond if you know what I mean.

I've said this before but with just teaching and office hours, I work 14 hours per week. I don't get breaks. DH takes LO just while I teach, not even during office hours. I can't be productive for more than 15-20 minutes about twice per day. LO is so demanding.

All this is fine and I'm managing without a herpes outbreak, without screaming at my family members, without crying every day. But the other day I had a work-related nightmare. So I asked DH to please stay home today and watch LO.

Now that brings us full circle. DH made a ludicrous comment that I should be able to catch up if only I just had an hour without LO. Did I mention I used to have 40+ hours per week? That's 4x more than I have now. And I had to use weekends and holidays to catch up even before baby came along.

After watching me work all day, he starts criticizing what I'm doing and how I'm doing it and saying that he won't take days off in the future to help me if I don't stay on task. I burned my hand making fish tacos for lunch. And DH just called me from the store to ask where they keep the protein powder. I'm like I DON'T KNOW. LOOK FOR IT.

Not to complain about COVID but we've had to make some big changes in how we teach because of the switch to virtual. That necessitates some extra work beyond just the usual keeping up with grading assignments. DH doesn't understand that because he's not a teacher. 

DH is really good about pushing back if I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do. I could advocate for myself better when I need more help. Or refuse to do something that I feel is too much. The problem is that I don't want to fight in front of LO and I would do just about anything for my baby, so I just try to hold it together and do all the things.

TLDR: I'm running out of steam today. And I wish DH wasn't also punking me.

I wonder what DH thinks when he keeps letting dirty dishes pile up. Also I did the ultra-glam task of cleaning the washing machine today. When the clean clothes smell like a barnyard, it's time to clean the washing machine.

I noticed the e-waste drive thru drop-off has reopened. So we're cleaning out some junk in our garage. Also trying to figure out how to move some items through our local Buy Nothing group. There are some items I would sell in a consignment sale, but others I feel fine gifting. The clutter needs to go.

Had a good family workout yesterday at the park with 7 other mommas & babies. It was cute to see some younger and some older than LO. Exercise was followed by a long nap, a trip to Vitamin Shoppe and a visit to the used bookstore. These are nonessential trips I know, but we haven't been to the bookstore since before baby was born. It used to be our romantic date activity, so it was really nice to get out and have a change of scenery.

I am washing and googling used toys that I bought to find out the appropriate age range. Yeah cutout puzzles are for two-year-olds or older. Guess those are going into storage for a bit. Am I crazy for being so meticulous? Sometimes I feel that being "detail oriented" is a hinderance to just moving on with life and "going with the flow" but I certainly don't want my kiddo to choke on anything. Geez. I don't know if I would have been so serious about cleaning & sterilization pre-COVID but I am certainly thinking about it now. Soap & water + 4-6 hours in direct sunlight should be enough. How do day care providers do it? It took me an hour to clean 3 puzzles and a walker while trying to coax LO to eat carrots. 🥕🤮

Our tree is out of the garage and out of the box but not decorated yet. I want to enjoy it for as long as possible. Bring on the cheer indeed!

We're doing a hike tomorrow with SIL to celebrate Thanksgiving with social distancing. But they want to do a one-way hike where we take 2 vehicles but park one at the start and one at the end. This means at two points in time we'll all be squished into one vehicle. I asked DH if everyone will be wearing masks in the vehicle and he said "I was just planning to roll the windows down." 

I'm thinking that would just swirl the viral load all over the inside of our van. I'm thinking how to deal with this information. DH said if I want everyone to wear masks, I have to be the one to enforce it. So I guess I can do that. Or I could wait for them to be dropped off and have DH swing back by and pick me up or something complicated like that. MIL and SIL are both nurses but still think COVID is a hoax. I thought the hike would be a way to see them outdoors, but now I am feeling stressed.

MIL has had some dental work done, which she is quick to point out required a COVID test that came back negative. It's exhausting to try to explain why that isn't evidence for me of a safe interaction. And MIL's husband took a contact tracing course, I think just to make fun of it. He has a degree in clinical psychology so he's not an idiot. I just don't understand why some people are so anti-science. I am reminded of the phrase "inconvenient truth." Like when scientific evidence is inconvenient, people choose to turn a blind eye to it.

And now I'm shaving my legs because SIL and MIL expect it. I feel legit disgruntled.

First tooth!

We got rid of our swing. It was sad and I miss it, but it was just getting unsafe since LO kept trying to sit up.

I was in bed at MIL's house on Thanksgiving day with a massive headache. Dunno if MIL had a talk with DH or what but he's been extra helpful this week. I think the stress caught up with me all at once. Or my body gave up when it knew there were more adults around to help.

Here's a justnoMIL comment... I was exercising with MIL and she told me to start wearing super compression sports bras otherwise my breasts will droop all the way down to the floor and "you don't want that."

Ummm... I don't know how to tell you this but 1) I had droopy boobs before getting pregnant 2) compression decreases milk supply 3) breastfeeding is important to me 4) my boobs are so huge now I can't fit into any of my prepregnancy shirts 5) when I do stop breastfeeding, my boobs will deflate and no sports bra will stop that from happening.

My MIL has had lots of plastic surgery. I'm not interested. Just no. Why is the appearance of my breasts any of her concern? 

And FIL kept encouraging me to cover up while breastfeeding "for my privacy." Um yeah, remember when you came to the hospital while I was in labor? You've seen all the parts of my body. Get over it. This is how I feed my baby. Sometimes with a spoon, sometimes with "tits out." It took every sweet bone in my body to not say, "ok Mike Pence." Jeez Louise.

Last month

Last month I had decision fatigue. There is about one day every two weeks that I snap at DH and tell him to figure it out himself. He's not allowed to ask me. Like, dude, I'm no expert. Nobody showed me. Also with COVID there were some things I used to do to refresh and restore that I can't do now. Like getting a massage and skating at the roller rink. 😪 I am trying to show up for my online fitness classes, but like you, I have some stuff going on with my body that is undiagnosed. I have pain in my extremities (hands, wrists, feet, ankles) that makes it hard to go "out for a walk" plus it has been 100's of degrees Fahrenheit or poor air quality for weeks. Yet somehow I am managing to do all the cooking and cleaning and taking care of baby and working a part-time job.

Last month, Ha ha. My baby is kind of delayed in rolling, but he can sit unassisted. He doesn't do any other pre-crawling milestones like hands-and-knees, commando, scooting, etc. My mom's fitness group was saying that kids tend to be early walkers OR early talkers. My baby is a chatterbox so I'm betting he's gonna be an early talker. 

Last month, I celebrated the birth of my nephew Theo. I keep a cardboard box in the kitchen and as soon as LO outgrows something, I throw it in the box (clean). When the box is full, I ship it to my sister.

Last month, I wanted to buy stuff online just to have something to look forward to. Like baby Halloween costumes, and silly Christmas outfits. But I am also kind of crafty, thrifty, in to upcycling and hand-me-downs. We plan to go to the beach next weekend but with COVID uncertainty, we haven't made any holiday plans and it's kind of depressing. It was 108 deg F here yesterday, triple digits all week, so we're stuck inside hard-core. Which is probably a contributing factor to my desire for restless spending.

Last month, I felt like it is a struggle to feed purees AND breastmilk, do tummy time AND read/sing and do something for myself AND a little housework in these 2.5 hour wake windows. The days are flying by. I also feel a bit guilty. My mom was here the first 2 weeks of September. She's been gone 3 weeks. The first week after she left I cried EVERY day because I missed the help. DH has been trying to do more these past 2 weeks. He kind of asked me the other day if I noticed his contribution. It has been better but I told him I adjusted so it's fine now. I think he was asking if his help was helping. I don't know if I should have praised him for helping more. But why do dads say they babysit their own kids? That's called parenting when it's yours. Right? I do appreciate the help from him on folding diapers and meal prepping. So why can't I just express that? I think it's because I still have to do the larger share of being with LO. In terms of hours, DH is in charge of LO for 6.5% of the time. That leaves me with LO for 93.5% of the time. I don't know why [this ](https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/parenting-strategies-advice/sharing-parenting-jobs-couples-therapist-advice/) makes me mad.

Last month, feeding Albert a meal takes more like an hour. Setting everything out. Feeding one tiny bite at a time. Cleaning up. Drinking water practice included. I have started thinking of it as a meal we eat together. I alternate bites for him and bites for me. Or bites for him while I exercise. My baby is a slow eater I guess.

Last month I felt clutter fatigue. I am sick of all the brightly colored plastic crap around the house. For context, I had a kinda miminalist tiny house life before baby, complete with eco-friendly car-free commute. I am now a suburban-living minivan-driving buyer of toys for my little monster. We do get used toys, but they pile up along with the bassinet and infant carseat that we've outgrown. The recycling centers are closed due to COVID and I am fully fantasizing about throwing a bunch of stuff to the curb. Send photos of your organization porn. Any minimalist mamas out there want to brag?

Last month, MIL made a comment disparaging teachers. She implied that teachers "don't want to work" and that's why they are teaching remotely. She asked if I am still being paid the same amount now that we are virtual. She asked if the students get a discounted tuition. As if online instruction is a choice. As if schools that are face-to-face haven't had COVID outbreaks. As if virtual instruction is effortless. As if the value of live instruction via Zoom is less than the value of being "on campus." It hurts because I'm a teacher. It hurts because I am working as hard as ever. Students have said that having both live lectures and access to high-quality recordings has been a game-changer. We teachers still plan lessons. We teachers still assign and grade the same homework. We teachers still hold office hours. The only thing we don't do is the commute (less driving/use of transit = better air quality and lower COVID risk). I fully appreciate how difficult it is for working parents who are now supervising their children's online instruction at home. COVID has been disruptive for EVERYONE IN THE WORLD. I can imagine as a working parent the relief of sending a child to school. But I get defensive when people imply that teachers are just being lazy and not wanting to work. We're already pretty underpaid. We're already doing more by learning how to be our own audio engineers, lighting experts, transitioning our content into a virtual medium, trying to create rapport with students through Zoom and email. We're doing a lot of things we've never done before (which takes extra time). To suggest that we should be paid less is more than mildly insulting.

Last month, we had a good time at the beach. Super big thanks to Ashley Maddox for posting her beach packing list.

⭐umbrella/tent
⭐chairs
⭐towel/blanket
⭐WATER!!! 
⭐rash guard bathing suit
⭐floppy hat 
⭐sunscreen
⭐sand toys
⭐baby carrier
⭐baby pool

We used everything on this list and we were "on the sand" for 3 hours. Baby took 2 naps. One in the carrier and one in the tent. We reapplied sunscreen midway. Nobody got burned. Adults had PB&J sandwiches.

Last month, I bought some dorky outfits! I know I'm not the World's best photographer but I plan to do the photos here at home. This [video](https://www.facebook.com/295199098300/posts/10158215666078301/) was my inspiration.

Last month, we went to the beach on Saturday with MIL. So tired we didn't unpack the car until Sunday. DH was watching LO while I was in class Tuesday night and realized we forgot to put the changing mat in the diaper bag. We had a disposable puddle pad and a recieving blanket so we used those. To me it was no big deal but DH got insanely upset. We went to bed angry on Tuesday night. Wednesday night we talked it out and I recalled the last time LO was changed. I was standing outside our vehicle and LO was on the front passenger seat. DH said he guessed I put the changing pad under the seat, he went out to the car and found it. I thought he was mad about the lost changing pad because of work stress but it turns out it is a combination of him being anxious about dealing with poop and being paranoid about being out and about with LO and not having the supplies necessary for diaper changes. He rightly reminded me that I am primarily home with LO and he takes the baby out while I WFH. I thought it was a strange thing to be upset about especially since we have another changing pad and LOTS of puddle pads and recieving blankets. DH is usually so willing to throw money at a problem, i.e. just buy another one. I couldn't understand why he would be so worked up. TLDR: we resolved the issue but it took 24 hours.

Last month, I looked in the mirror and saw my C-section scar. My belly used to overhang so much that I didn't see the scar, so I guess that's progress? I have for better or for worse been doing Zoom fitness classes 3-4x per week. In the beginning, starting 3 weeks after LO was born, it was more for community than for a workout. I modify what I don't feel comfortable doing. I did exercises for diastasis recti instead of whatever ab stuff they were doing. It's been 3 months of specific diastasis recti work and I feel my core is stronger. I feel my whole body is stronger. I used to wear LO during the workouts otherwise he would cry. He's now good with jumping or hanging out in his swing or high chair. I had to grab a 12 lb medicine ball because I missed having the extra weight. My instructor said she had to wear one of her kids until about 7 months and that's where we're at so I guess that's also a win. We got a bicycle helmet for LO and a seat attached, but I don't know if he is developmentally ready or physically strong enough to go for a bike ride. We've done two short outings and he cries when we hit bumps. I don't want to hurt his little body and it is illegal to ride on the streets with a child less than 1 year. I was a runner like 5 years ago but I'm afraid to run now because breastfeeding and my feet hurt so much. I am hoping to get back to outdoor stuff when summer is over. This week, we're under a heat advisory again, until 5pm Friday due to triple digit temperatures (Fahrenheit).

Last month, I realized babies had to be put down for naps. I didn't know about this. I guess I thought they would just get tired and conk out. I feel like managing baby's schedules for diapers, feeding, exercise, learning and sleeping is a full-time job. Dang I was so naïve.

Last month, These just arrived today. ❤❤❤ > I love. I feel so much better. Nicewin
Arch Support Brace for Men & Women Elastic Copper Bandage Foot Care Brace for Pain Relief of Plantar Fasciitis, Heel Spurs, Flat Feet

Last month, we went to the Farmer's Market to get fresh produce and the grocery store to pick up meat & dairy. We were winning at meal prep.

Last month, I got a baby break from 2am - 3:30am and got some deep sleep. My husband supervised LO instead of me. DH says to me this morning at 5:50am just before he heads off to work... maybe one day LO will sleep independently in his pack & play. I was like, watch out what you hope for. Hope is a dangerous thing. I just don't think my baby is that type of baby. Maybe other babies do it, maybe not, but I don't want to risk fantasizing about something like that. But I do understand how that sounds like an attractive prospect. I just don't want to dwell on wishful thinking because I don't want to resent my baby for what he can't or won't do. Or maybe what he isn't doing yet. Also, I noticed my wrists don't hurt anymore. So I now have the answer to my question of "how long after baby is born will I have carpal tunnel?" The answer is 7 months. Some baby-related stuff is really annoying and produces anxiety because there are so many questions and so few answers. Or the answer is: it depends. Or the answer is: it's different for every mom. I feel like I can deal with a situation if I know it's temporary. If I feel like it will never end, I lose hope and start to dwell on despair. I was reading that the breasts may continue to produce milk for year(s) after your baby is no longer nursing. So I guess the mysteries of my body will continue to unfold.

Last month, I wondered why my husband INSISTS on talking to me while I'm trying to get LO to fall asleep. I feel like I've told him a million times that verbalization (words) make LO's ears and brain perk up, which is the opposite of him falling asleep. I hum and rock but I won't even sing songs with words or read a story because it winds the baby up instead of calming him down. DH doesn't seem to understand this, or he just doesn't care. He keeps talking to me and I shoosh him and he gets mad and keeps on talking and asking me stuff and we end up madder and madder at each other. Whyeee? Can't we just agree that if the baby is on his way to sleep we can talk later?

Last month, we got some childproofing underway FINALLY!!!! My WFH setup is in the main room and it was an absolute mess of cables. With the way this baby grabs everything within reach, I know the second he can crawl that desk will be a target for LO.

Last month, I realized that I used to be a total hater when it came to spelling and grammar. Like if someone turned in an assignment with a bunch of typos, run-on sentences, fragments, disarrayed paragraphs, etc. I would think, "What is with this person? Don't they use spellcheck? Why can't they proofread and see that this doesn’t make sense?" Now that I type everything one-handed on 4 hours of sleep, I'm so forgiving. I'm like wow, that was a good try. I think I know what you meant. There are lots of unexpected ways my son has changed me as a person.

Last month, we cleaned the house on Friday and Saturday. Got our flu shots (mom, dad and baby) last week. Cooked a big meal with leftovers yesterday. We walked a leisurely 5k (mom, dad, baby and doggo) and ate lunch at a hot dog stand. 🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭 👨‍👩‍👦 🐩 The weather here was perfect, overcast and cool. It really felt like we did something significant. Also randomly crossed paths with two separate professor friends. It was nice to see other adults.

Last month, my husband stepped it up after I apologized to him for "rage cleaning." I have a verbally-abusive mom. She would name-call all of us every time she was cleaning up the house. Called us lazy and useless and worse. I delayed starting a family because I was afraid of being like that. I get into that headspace every so often, but I don't say it outloud. I just get upset and quiet and kind of slam things a bit more than I would if I weren't upset. I waited until I wasn't upset. DH actually said that he would've waited a couple more days to do the cleaning but he would have done it eventually. He said, "it wasn't like I was trying to wait you out." So I told him that I already had consciously waited 24 hours to see if he would lift a finger and that's why I was upset when I finally did it myself. Backstory: He invited his dad over for a formal meal on Saturday and so I was hoping he would take the initiative to cook and clean because it was a special occasion that he had initiated. I designated DH as the "boss" of the event. He was in charge of all meal planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning. I said that I would assist but not be "in charge." I suffer from decision fatigue as it is with LO and I just didn't need a special occasion on top of everyday baby-rearing. Sometimes I think the tables need to be turned or the shoe put on the other foot for us to appreciate each other. Two weekends ago, I did all the shopping and it was exhausting. DH does all the "outside of the house" tasks so that includes shopping. It helped me appreciate the energy required for that task which I haven’t been doing since covid times began / baby was born.

Last month, I got $125 worth of toys for $17.25 at the CastaIc consignment sale. It's kind of unbelievable that I'm so bad at choosing toys that are at an appropriate developmental level. The way toys are sold is in bundles so if you want one specific thing, often you get 3 things you didn't necessarily want. Since they're all out of the box they have to be cleaned. Also I look them up to see how to clean and the age range. I then sort them into bins by age and put away anything LO isn't ready for. I guess even with all that, it's a good deal. Bench with 3 bins for $30 for toy [organization](https://imgur.com/gallery/PD7TgEi).

Thursday, November 19, 2020

What I didn't know about breastfeeding

Breastfeeding is not All or Nothing. I had to EP for the first 7 weeks. My baby had a small mouth, too small for my large breasts. I just had to be patient and let his mouth grow I guess. The first time he latched was in the middle of the night, in complete darkness, while we were both relaxed and it was a total accident on my part. He didn't do it well during the day for a while after that so it wasn't like a switch flipped and it started working 100% of the time.

For the first few months, I pumped every 3 hours, but fed on demand. We alternated formula and pumped breastmilk for the first 3 weeks. It was very confusing to me and I felt like a failure because BFing didn't work right away. It was complicated and felt like I was still in the hospital hooked up to a bunch of tubes and wires, but pumping did help me establish my milk supply. 

My baby also started sleeping 12 hours through the night pretty early on so I kept up with MOTN pumping for 3 months *after* BFing was established. I finally quit MOTN pumping when I had a 280 oz freezer stash (which we ended up dumping because it tasted like crap and now LO won't take a bottle, but that's another story). Also I was still engorged until 14 weeks which was alarming because everything I read said that supply should regulate at 12 weeks. "Facts" are based on averages and no individual is exactly average, we're all unique.

BFing has pros and cons. If I had an accurate knowledge of the pros and cons, I might not have been willing to work at it. It's taking up so much of my autonomy, I had no idea. My mom fed us formula so I didn't really get any advice from her on that. My motivation to BF was strictly the convenience of not having to wash bottles. And I heard that BF poops were better for cloth diapers. And those seem like just about the silliest reasons now. But those were the motivations that kept me working towards it.

Emily Oster's book Cribsheet articulates that there is no overwhelming scientific evidence either way (formula or breastmilk). So I guess it's up to the individual's motivation. I felt like my husband missed out on a lot when we stopped using bottles. He was less able to help me and is only now regaining his ability to calm and comfort LO by cosleeping during daytime naps. 

DH's increase in help is necessitated by me going back to work part time, DH has to supervise LO for a few hours per day. We try to line up LO's nap times with my office hours and classes. Luckily we started purees at 5 months so DH can feed LO that way. 

Just say, it's complicated. You'll figure out what's best for your family.

35 week check-in

I am 8 months post partum and I feel good enough to shuffle-run at Stroller Strides. On a good night, baby only wakes 3x. We're having lots of good nights lately. We got a hiking backpack carrier and a jogging stroller. We gifted some baby items to our neighbors to make room for the new items. Sad to see those items go, but also ready for my little boo boo to keep growing and becoming his own person. He is already playing more independently on the foam mat.

I have started taking collagen in my coffee. My husband calls it "antler juice." I feel hopelessly behind in my school work, but I feel I am pretty successfully managing the household. Sent my husband a grocery list from Mashup Mom and he loved it. So maybe we'll become ALDI fans and I can offload the task of meal planning.

We are planning two hikes in the next week and I am terrified of falling or just simply not being able to keep up. Hope we have good weather. Need to make a packing list.

Sent out Secret Santa gifts. Got my mom's gift all boxed and ready. Want to take some dorky holiday photos. Got out all holiday decorations including fake snow, fake candle, music box with ice skating penguin, tree skirt, snow globe, ornaments from the '80s and '90s. It feels nice to start some holiday traditions with the baby.

Sunday, November 15, 2020

30 week check-in

This morning I feel okay. My sister had her baby over the weekend, which was exciting and terrifying. It brought back memories of my hospital stay, which weren't welcome to say the least. Everything I read says that it can help you process your trauma if you re-tell your birth story over and over. Since the entire country went into lockdown right after my son was born, I feel like I didn't re-tell my story very often. In fact I think I only told one person. 

I've been watching The Handmaid's Tale on Hulu and it's cathartic. Seeing a severe dystopia where women's work is devalued in the extreme for some reason makes me feel better about the present reality.

Albert is having 3 meals a day of purees. Breakfast is rice cereal with vitamin D drops. Lunch is some kind of fruit or vegetable puree, we tried lentils once so far. Dinner is always avocado since he likes it and it's high fat content helps him sleep better at night with fewer wake-ups.

It's really hard to balance working and caring for this tiny human. At the beginning of the semester, I had an infant insert on top of the pack and play. I would feed him and get him to fall asleep on the Boppy then transfer him to the PnP, which had a mattress on top. That would get me 30-40 minutes uninterrupted work time. But somehow, when my mom came to visit, we ended up regressing on that progress. We kind of went back to being held all the time.

Wednesday, October 14, 2020

I was told there would be weight loss

Breastfeeding will melt off the pounds they said...lies!

I have joined several Facebook groups devoted to weight loss while breastfeeding.

IIFYM stands for "if it fits your macros." I was doing very well losing weight on the Zita West IVF diet, which when I look back I see that I ate greater than 25% of my calories in protein and less than 40% of my calories in carbs. So that would be 40-25-35.

Russell, J.B, et al. “Does Changing a Patient's Dietary Consumption of Proteins and Carbohydrates Impact Blastocyst Development and Clinical Pregnancy Rates from One Cycle to the next?” Fertility and Sterility, vol. 98, no. 3, 2012, p. S47.

Then when I was pregnant, I followed the Brewer diet. It dictated that one should aim for over 100 grams of protein per day. One should have two eggs, 4 glasses of milk, yellow or orange fruit or vegetable, 2 servings of leafy greens every day. Also include a whole baked potato 3 times per week.

Now that I am breastfeeding I looked into a nutrition calculator and found that I should be getting 150-200 grams of protein per day. This seems like a lot. But definitely something I had not been doing hence why I was not losing weight. For the carbs the range is larger, between 100-250 grams depending on whether I am doing low-medium-or-high carb varieties. It seems like the recommendation is to start tracking and weighing yourself. Then if it's working, keep doing it. If it's not working, adjust the ratios and try again.

The Zone diet is all in the numbers: 40-30-30. Zone dieters balance their meals and snacks so that their calories come from a mix of 40 percent carbohydrates, 30 percent protein and 30 percent “friendly” fats.

The defaults on MyFitnessPal are 50-20-30.

As a temporary measure, a high-protein diet is effective for weight loss. Something like 30-40-30.

So far I am able to do 40-20-40 but I'm not having good success getting the ratios to 40-25-35.

IIFYM Postpartum and Breastfeeding suggests 50-25-25 as an example.
Here is a calculator https://www.milkmademacros.com/flexible-dieting-macro/

The "lower carb" option is 20-40-40.
The "moderate carb" option is 35-30-35.
The "higher carb" option is 50-30-20.

I've been tracking for 3.5 weeks now, have not seen a great deal of weight loss. But I can say I haven't gained so that's something.

As my mom says, it's also about portion control. I'm using 2,280 Calories per day as my target.

Friday, October 2, 2020

This month

This month I had an accidental good sleeping baby. My baby napped in his swing for the first time in 4 months. It's been an hour! I don't know what to do with myself. I've already vacuumed the living room and cleaned the kitchen. I'm about to fold some laundry I guess. I did give him a bath and feed him before putting him in the swing, and Huckleberry said it was his nap time, but I put him there expecting to just do a few things and then put him down in the usual way. I'm afraid to leave him unattended in case he wakes up. He's almost too big for the swing now and he keeps trying to sit up in it when it's designed for him to be leaning back. Also, side note, my mom is coming for 2 weeks next Tuesday. I am beyond excited to have some more help. This is partly why I'm trying to clean. I want her to be able to enjoy quality time with LO. She lives 1700 miles away and hasn't been back since he was born. She stayed with us for his first week of life on the outside.

This month I set a timer for something (cooking, laundry) and then got naptrapped while DH was out. You'd think I would learn to set timers on my phone. On the plus side, I made lentils, carrot and green bean baby foods.

This month I had a panic attack when I looked at my baby's head. It looked like he has two coin-sized wounds on it. I racked my brain because I was trying to think where it could have come from. It looked like the skin had been rubbed off or a burn. Then I turned on the light and saw they were brown and not pink. Then I realized it was spilled coffee that had dried. And I could breathe again. Damn I love this baby.

This month I vacuum when I have time/energy/help. Kind of when the stars align. I keep dirty dishes in the dishwasher. I have a baby swing that looks on to the kitchen. I have an exersaucer in the garage by the washer and dryer. I have a rocker in the bedroom / bathroom. Baby watches me do chores. It helps pass the time in the day. What I am struggling with is meal planning and cooking.

This month my mom is visited for 2 weeks. It was so much easier to cook and clean and prepare for and teach my classes with an extra pair of hands. I don't know what I'll do when she leaves. 😭 My husband has been watching the baby during my office hours and classes. They seem to be establishing a good rapport. Dad feeds solids. So far he's tried plums, pears, apples, banana and rice cereal. Next we'll try some vegetables (carrots, green beans, squash) and protein (lentils, chicken, eggs). I was worried that solids would interfere with breastfeeding, but it doesn't seem like it has. Baby will nurse even right after the solid feeding. We had a fun family meal with LO in his Tripp Trapp and playing with his own spoon. We are also giving him a water filled sippy cup to play with.

This month my noise-canceling headphones did not at all take the edge off of a caregiver trying to put my baby down for a nap one floor up. My students were asking in the Zoom chat: is your baby alright?

This month I was so starving. Yet gaining weight. While BF. FML.

This month we tried mashed sweet potato and baby started choking. There were 3 adults there and we quickly got LO unstrapped from the high chair and did the back-whack to clear baby's airway. I wasn't stressed and I wasn't surprised. Just moments before it happened I was saying it was too thick and lumpy. Luckily baby wasn't traumatized because he wanted another bite after drinking some breastmilk. So we thinned and blended the rest before freezing it into cubes.

This month I spoiled my baby. What's beautiful is that my mom is visiting. Before she came out she was all for sleep training. She was like, you can't let them fall asleep on you... they will never learn to self-soothe. Then I had her watch the baby during one of my classes. Huckleberry was predicting a nap. He fussed a lot until the last 15 min of class. I went up to the bedroom to find baby asleep on her chest. My time with this little dude is so precious and my mothering instincts tell me he can self soothe just fine when he wants to. Why spend hours crying and insisting that he sleeps in his crib when he sleeps just fine without crying and I get cuddles? I also feel, like a birth plan, sleep training is a myth. It's some idea propagated to give parents an illusion of control, but it can also make parents feel anxious and like things that happen naturally aren't happening the way it says in the book. I feel my baby will grow up too fast, why rush to force him to be independent? I wish COVID wasn't a thing and I was still going to campus. I have good friends in the child and adolescent development department that could have helped me 'Emily Oster' this. Sometimes it helps to have scientific basis, sometimes I guess it's better to go by the individual child and family situation and do what is right for those circumstances. My baby was born with a hernia that got bad (his scrotum would be filled with his intestines until it was the size of an apple) when he cried. So I kind of have an aversion to him crying, even though his hernia has been repaired.

This month I prematurely cried in the shower thinking about how hard it will be when my mom leaves. 😭 I am extra grateful because lots of us are without family support due to COVID. Luckily my mom has been brave enough to take the risk of air travel. She's been feeding LO solids and supervising lots of reading and playtime. It's very validating to hear her say, "I had forgotten how much work it is keeping LO entertained." I also appreciate her saying, "I was 15 years younger than you when I had my first. Think how much more energy you would have had." I love soaking up the baby snuggles, and it is great to share those with my mom while I can. I sometimes feel like I have to put on a brave face and make parenting look effortless. It was fantastic to have my mom here during our weekly zoom call. She observed how difficult it is to keep the baby entertained and looking cute for a 75 minute video chat. Usually she is on the receiving end and doesn't see what goes into making that call a joyous moment.

This month I distinguish between "full feed" with multiple let downs and "snack" which happens during the day a lot now. If there's ANYTHING interesting going on, it'll be a snack feed where he clearly gets milk but doesn't linger. Maybe 5 min. For a full feed, it will be about 30 min with maybe a nap after.

This month I felt that tiny bit of rage when everyone in the house has pooped and showered and you're naptrapped. No shower. No time to poop. I woke up 30 minutes before my alarm and thought it would be cute to snuggle with my husband. He was like, "WTF and why are you crowding me in this bed?" I guess I should have taken the time to poop and shower. I hated seeing myself on a zoom class last night. My face is all red and splotchy. My hairline has receded. I feel stressed and it shows. Today I cried just snuggling LO. May be hormones. It's the 3rd week of the semester. Dunno how I will make it to week 16. I teach a 3 hour "night lab" 2 nights per week. Our longest meetings have only been 2 hours and I can't stand being away from my baby. I hate this. I also teach 2 x 75 min lectures, 2x per week and those aren't so bad. We're starting experiments in week 5 that may take the whole 3 hours. Keeping LO up late sucks. He's already struggling to sleep, both during the day and at night. It breaks my heart to see him all grouchy from too little sleep and not enough cuddles. DH is doing his best at keeping LO entertained and he's doing great at offering solids. My mom is here for another week to help us through this transition, but it's still hard. I don't miss the "career woman" I was before becoming a mom. Instead I miss the SAHM I was during my maternity leave but I can't afford to not work. In Spring, we might do day care. I might be teaching more classes. DH and I were just saying this morning that COVID continues to make everything more fluid, less certain.

This month my mom laughed when I showed her my son's baby book. For "world leaders" I put COVID-19. The virus is holding all of us hostage. Academia is a very grumpy place right now. Sending virtual hugs. Watched Disney's COCO tonight 💀 my son cried for a second helping of avocado at dinner 🥑 and we swear he is saying "mama" when he wants me 😭 My mom is here and she INSISTED on feeding LO Cherrios. She broke each "o" into 4 teeny pieces. It works ok. My baby is EBF but has been having purees for 3 weeks now. LO eats 2 cheerios per day in 8 teeny bites. I pretty much hold my breath and watch closely the whole time. 😳 I still take 1000 mg of lecithin per day.

This month we installed a convertable carseat. We have a long baby so the infant carseat was just about too small. My mom left. LO had his 6 month pediatrician appointment. I have all the feels. My baby wants to stand all day. We call it "ironing board" when he goes rigid and whines until he's in a standing position. He just rolled front to back unassisted for the first time yesterday.

This month I still get engorged when my baby is going through a growth spurt. Sometimes he nurses every hour in a 24 hour period for 3 days in a row but then goes back to eating every 2-3 hours.

This month I spent 2.5 hours and $16 to get a replacement tray for a hand-me-down Evenflo compact fold high chair. As DH pointed out, we could have bought a new one for $35 more but I am all about upcycling. Gripe: the Evenflo company didn't make it clear the model number of the chair, lots of models had replacement trays sold out, it isn't clear which models share a tray design and I don't know FOR SURE that what I ordered will fit the chair I have. Also they don't send confirmation email with order tracking info and my order number on the screen was quickly blocked by a pop-up about "refer a friend" Gratitude: I found an Evenflo exersaucer at the curb near my house in early May. I ordered a replacement spring for one of the legs and feet for the toy arch. They did arrive and we installed them and my baby is highly entertained in the exersaucer. I keep it in the garage for baby to watch me while I'm doing laundry. DH uses it to park baby while "tailgating" in our garage while waiting for me to finish a zoom class meeting. I'm a teacher!

This month I cried the entire week after my mom left just trying to keep up the routine we established. 3x per day solids for LO and 3 home-cooked meals for the adults. Not to mention a workout for me and 3-4 naps for baby. I am WFH with 3 college classes so that's 14 hours per week on Zoom plus prep and grading time. My husband tells me not to think of it all in a lump like that. I used to just go with the flow and take it one hour at a time, but since my mom left all I can think about is how much there is to do and how I can't possibly do it all. Tuesday night my husband sautéed some veggies for a quiche which I tried to bake yesterday. It came out underdone since I had forgotten to set a timer and I just pulled it out at a time that was convenient for LO's feeding and nap schedule. Then DH tried to eat a nearly raw pie crust and asked me all these questions like "how much longer should it be cooked" and "at what temperature" and I told him I barely had the mental and emotional bandwidth to throw it in the oven the first time and I certainly wasn't willing to help him troubleshoot it. I said "just throw it away." He was pretty shocked because I normally don't give up like that. To try to help me, he put the dirty laundry in the washer on his way to work. It's shocking how I feel like that's like tipping your waitress $0.01. You know? Like a tiny drop in the ocean of how much more help I need. And he acts so worn out after watching LO for 75 minutes (the duration of one of my Zoom classes). We are going without childcare. Everyone's like oooh, think how much money you're saving. I'm like yeah. That's true. Then this morning my husband says "Friday I'm taking off work to ride the train." We have a nonprofit based on educating people in Los Angeles how to ditch their car and take a bicycle on public transit. We agreed that our advocacy work would be paused during baby and COVID time. I have already asked him to CANCEL this session in the past but I guess his brain just couldn't retain the reasons why because he rescheduled it. And it's going to take HOURS for something OPTIONAL. WHY???? And then he says, "you and LO can come too." Uh no... pandemic much? WTH? Nonessential trip. No thank you. I'LL just be over here at home running the household like a MFing boss. And parenting our spawn. And working my paying part-time job. You go have fun with your little friend dear.

This month at the pediatrician I got samples of vitamin D drops. Add 0.25mL via syringe into the morning iron-fortified rice cereal. Lunch is puree of plum, banana, sweet potato, squash, carrots or apples. Dinner is puree of avocado. Have made but not yet introduced: green beans, lentils. Have not made or introduced: tofu, beef, chicken, broccoli, cauliflower, eggs, nut butter. DH gave baby a spoonful of milk leftover from his sugar cereal (Lucky Charms) and LO got a rash on his cheeks. So we did a few repeat exposures. DH said, "well if he doesn't like carrots, we can sweeten them with honey." I have to educate and keep a closer eye on that man!

This month I started watching "Workin' Moms" on Netflix. It's been a month of me working so I started watching. Definitely relatable, but also kind of made me sad because it centers around a f2f support group, which we don't have due to COVID. At the same time, yesterday we found two little paychecks in the mail for extra work I did last year pre-baby and a teeny glimmer of pride sparked inside me knowing I have rejoined the paid workforce. I know I can spend money even if I am doing the unpaid labor of raising our child, but a $1 with two or three zeros after it on top of my regular pay is kind of sweet. If only it weren't for COVID, I would go get a massage. More in savings I guess.

This month I resented my husband because he has autonomy. He is still working for pay (full-time, salary) and doing non-profit volunteering. Some f2f, some on Zoom. But he leaves the house every day. I ask him not to tell me about the volunteering because I resent that he has the autonomy to do it. While I'm over here paying attention to LO nearly 24/7 with the exception of my work (part-time, paid) that is 11 hours per week. During that time, DH takes LO outside so his crying doesn't interrupt my classes. DH doesn't even watch LO during my office hours. And during my labs, I take a breastfeeding break. So LO is nearby but not in the room. This morning I just asked DH when he would be home but he didn't appreciate my tone of voice. My nipples hurt. I feel drained.

This month, I found out that my baby loves drinking from a cup. We have these. I didn't buy them knowing LO would go straight to drinking from a cup, but he LOVES it. I call it "drowning practice" because it's pretty terrifying to watch, but the baby just laughs and keeps going back for more.

This month, I was teaching my class about infectious diseases and learned that the word "quarantine" comes from the Italian meaning 40 days. During the 12th century Plague, people self-quarantined. Imagine if we had only been impacted for 40 days. We're on day 186 now.

This month, the Wonder Weeks suggested that during a leap, baby might lose their appetite. That wasn't the case for us. We survived leap 5. While pregnant, we planned on sending LO to daycare since my husband works full time and I work part time. Now with classes virtual and my husband working only on call, we're getting by on our own, just the 3 of us. My husband is older than me, he's turning 48 this year, so we are definitely struggling to keep our energy up and joke all the time about how old we'll be when our son hits milestones like graduation, marriage and becoming a parent himself. I guess it gives us some incentive to take better care of ourselves. I like being a mom much more than I thought I would. I wish I had started having children sooner, but if I had, I wouldn't have had paid maternity leave. I wish I could be a SAHM. My maternity leave was so great. Juggling work and childcare is a real challenge. I look forward to being out of debt and post-COVID so we can do more traveling with LO.

This month, I took a weekend shower and immediately after self foot massage on my clean feet while DH rubs my shoulders and neck. It has been remarkably restorative. Sometimes I log in to my workout group, sit on a stack of pillows and breastfeed LO. It's like saying no to a workout and yes to a meditation. Then I join in on just the cool-down stretching, which is sometimes sun salutations, while LO is practicing tummy time. I have also had good success with Cosmic Kids yoga on YouTube being highly entertaining to LO while getting me moving. Even though it's a yoga sequence designed for kiddos, I still find my body is in a better state after doing it than before. We've been meal planning and cooking. While it is a lot of work, I have lost 4 pounds in 4 weeks. And I have a lot to lose. Mind you I gained about 1/2 pound per week since LO's birth until I finally turned it around by eating more protein and home-cooked food.

This month, my weekday showers were three eensy-weensy spiders, one B-I-N-G-O and one Hickory-Dickory Dock. Seriously my husband does not comprehend how tiring it is to not be able to shower without doing a literal song-and-dance. To his credit, he left me with a fridge full of healthy precooked meals, a clean kitchen and he put away the clean laundry. It was a beautiful sight to wake up to this morning.

Thursday, October 1, 2020

One month ago

One month ago, I noticed LO seems to have liked to be worn a lot more when he was smaller. Now he's in and out of a carrier in like 20 minutes. But hey, 20 minutes is better than zero. 

One month ago, I wrote that my son nursed 5-6x in daytime and 2-4x overnight. He nurses to sleep, but he generally pops off after 30 minutes. He eats on one side per feed. This is relatively new behavior. My LO used to sleep through the night so I would MOTN pump. Now LO is so active during the day, he has trouble calming down to eat. This is why I think he is needing to eat more at night. He sometimes only feeds for 5-7 minutes during the daytime and keeps popping on and off to look around.

One month ago, I tie-dyed some 12m and 18m onesies. It was heart-wrenching to speed through the process of tieing and dyeing while DH tried to put the screaming baby to bed. I untied them and rinsed them in the sink while DH was at work and LO was crying in his swing. I sorted them into bins according to size. My baby was already too big for his 9m clothes. I measured him today. He is 28.5 inches long. He weighs 16 lbs 9 oz. His head is 44 cm around. So for his age, he is in the 99th percentile for length and the 53rd percentile for weight. 

One month ago, I realized the pack 'n' play with the "napper" level, bassinet and quick-release changing table had a weight limit of 15 lbs. I started to look for other changing tables and some have a weight limit of only 20 pounds! I put a changing pad on top of my dresser in the dining room. My husband has an aversion to changing baby on a dining table or other food-related surface. It's working very well.

One month ago, I wrote that prior to becoming a mom, I didn't comprehend the bond that forms between mothers and babies. I have a deep well of patience and energy for this LO. I feel insane when he is crying and when I can't see or hear him. Even though he is outside my body now, I still feel we're connected through breastfeeding. Sometimes I feel he's like a parasite, but in the best way. More like symbiosis. I call him my little barnacle. I didn't expect to enjoy pregnancy so much. I had terrible PMS and painful periods in adolescence and adulthood, but while on hormones for my egg retrieval and pregnant, I felt more womanly and feminine than ever. I felt all "Sugar and spice. And everything nice," when I had been pretty bitchy before. I didn't expect to appreciate my breasts this much. Now I feel they have fulfilled their true purpose and I am grateful to have carried them all these years.

One month ago, I was exhausted. I was unsuccessful at getting LO to nap in PNP instead of on my lap. I made pear, plum and butternut squash purees for LO. I washed the toys we bought from the consignment sale. I tried to find Zoom-friendly tops that fit over my milk-filled breasts, and found 6 that kinda worked.

One month ago, baby started waking up every 1.5-2 hours all night long. I guess it was leap 5.

One month ago, I ran a load of laundry with no detergent. Had too much inner debate about whether to wash a couple of my shirts. Let it smell like me so baby can nap with it... or wash all? Felt moisture on my arm. Wondered if it was my own sweat, spit-up, or did baby just pee on me? And do I want to know the answer? Had my first day teaching online yesterday with DH watching LO upstairs during. Baby made it 65 minutes without crying. Those last 10 minutes of class were the hardest. Hopefully it will get better.

Two months ago

A little over 2 months ago, baby Albert refused bottles half the time. He had cradle cap and scratched his forehead, so we had to put him in a hat and mittens. I gave up the MOTN pump 3 months ago. I got rid of the bassinet, which we hardly ever used. We started using the white noise machine continuously throughout the night instead of just for 15, 30 or 60 minutes. I was thinking, "I just can't remember anything anymore." But that isn't true. I remember lots of things, just not the same stuff I used to.

Two months ago I had THE BEST day! Doughnuts for breakfast. Took LO to the swimming pool. He was using this float and sunglasses while wearing this swimsuit and hat and these aquasocks . My friend gave us two used swim diapers Aqua Leisure and Finis. Albert happily kicked around for a full 45 minutes. I wouldn't characterize myself as someone who LOVES swimming, but it's been so hard to be cooped up inside due to COVID, I splurged on all this swim gear. Our condo complex has a community pool. There were no other families there today so it was very peaceful. We spotted squirrels, hummingbirds and dragonflies. We had homemade enchiladas for lunch with homemade brownies for dessert. Yes, the baby missed a few naps and feeds due to all the excitement, which we tried desperately to catch up between 3-8pm. IMHO it was worth the trouble of getting all the equipment because now I feel confident that I can take LO down to the pool any morning until the water temperature drops below 80 deg F (it's 84 now, not a heated pool). I can tread water or walk laps with my baby and not worry about overheating or walking too far away from home and LO having a meltdown (which has happened). The pool is about 300 ft from our unit. I take him in a stroller because wet baby is slippery, and it's easier to transport our things in the stroller than to carry everything on my body.

Two months ago, we picked up our purchases from the online consignment sale, clothes and toys for the next several months. I feel so excited to be prepared for another season of quarantine! Not saying I am a "doomsday prepper," but maybe just prepping adjacent. The funniest thing about these COVID times is that I keep imagining the preppers saying, "I told you! See how our stockpiles have been working out? I knew there was a pandemic-a-comin." I grew up in Nebraska where there are lots of extreme weather events, so I tend to stock canned food, batteries and water, etc. I feel like Californians are kind of laissez-faire which is strange because "the big one" is coming and they do annual earthquake drills and have a disaster preparedness fair. But our stockpile of nuts, grains and beans has lasted us through the shortages at the grocery stores. And now I am thankful, as I said, to have 9m, 12m and 18m clothes. My baby is in 6-9m now. His feet are comically big for the 0-6m socks. I have no idea what toys LO will like, so I sent my mom the link to the online store and it was really fun virtually shopping with her. We spent like 2.5 hours scouring the inventory, and she gave me lots of ideas about what kind of toys he will need in the next 6 months. This consignment sale only happens twice per year.

Two months ago, I noted that our baby became OBSESSED with the dog.

Two months ago, I thought there weren't enough cute pictures of baby on my Instagram. I was awakened by a magnitude 4.2 earthquake. After feeding LO at 3:30 and having just gone back to sleep. DH gets up for work at 5 so I just laid in bed thinking about vintage baby photo shoots. We started calling the baby "earthquake cowboy" because he rides it out.

Two months ago, I celebrated Harry Potter's 40th birthday by doing Cosmic Kids yoga and watching the movies on iTunes. I think I got as far as year 3.

Two months ago, I had a nightmare that I was a gestational surrogate and I had to give up the baby. I think I was nervous about going back to work.

Two months ago, I put LO in a carrier and walked or danced him for 30-40 minutes to calm him down before nursing and putting him to sleep. I sobbed over his crib because I didn't know how we would manage taking care of the baby and working. 

Two months ago, I was so exhausted last about an hour before LO's bedtime that I put baby in a carrier and walked in circles around our apartment complex. Just to calm the baby (and the dog and TBH myself). I usually like "going somewhere" on a walk but for some reason, it felt good to walk laps. It did feel a bit like being 14 months pregnant. I was looking forward to mastering the "back carry."

Two months ago, baby was drooling so much I had him wear a bandana bib all day every day. I had to change it 3x per day. Don't know what that was about since he still hasn't cut any teeth yet.

Two months ago, I started back to work. Babywearing with a teething necklace. Singing songs and bouncing baby to keep him calm. Now Huckleberry is saying I'm 37 minutes late for LO's nap. It's so hard to get work done and still follow baby's hunger and sleep cues. I can get so focused on computer tasks that I completely lose track of time. All I did for work in those 2 hours was to download last year's syllabi from the cloud, upload them to Office 365 for editing, copy course content on the LMS from last year's classes into this year's shells, and send 2 emails to colleagues. I know it's progress, but there's less than 3 weeks until classes start. I always want to be a great teacher. I look at the way I structured the courses a year ago and I want to overhaul it to be more pandemic-friendly, but I don't see myself having time to do it.

Two months ago, I defrosted frozen breastmilk overnight in the refrigerator. Tasted it. Yuck! Baby wouldn't drink it. Maybe LO is just rejecting all bottles. Maybe milk is just yucky. Maybe defrosting technique is not right. Not looking forward to troubleshooting this problem. I felt sad and stressed about going back to work in less than 3 weeks.

Two months ago, we threw out all frozen food that we had prepared for the fourth trimester. If I haven't eaten it by now, I probably won't, right? Also did a 24h fridge thaw of frozen breastmilk and it was disgusting. Going to compare with a 5m quick thaw in boiling water. Then compare with freshly pumped milk. DH refuses to participate in taste test.

Two months ago, I did it. I did a breastmilk taste test. Fresh. 24h refrigerated. Frozen and quick defrost. Frozen and 24h defrost. OMG the frozen was disgusting!!! Bye bye freezer stash. 🤮 Edit to add: appreciate the supportive comments but my baby will not currently take a bottle. We ended up dumping the stash. Trying to work my schedule around breastfeeding and hoping for the best with my supply. Worst case, we can go back to formula. If you have a carrier and are EBF, here are some tutorials for how to feed baby in a carrier. [part 1] [part 2] I want to start doing this because my baby nurses to sleep and then I am naptrapped. If I could nurse him to sleep in the carrier, I think I could get some work done in the mornings. Has anyone else unlocked this skill? I am slightly worried about going back to work as a lecturer at a university. There will be MANY hours of computer work between posting content and grading student work. 2.5 weeks left.

Two months ago, I experienced the first bath with a happy baby. No crying. Cradle cap is gone finally! It seems like at every stage in LO's growth, there is a crisis which passes relatively quickly but seems like a big deal at the time. Yes, I did spend $10 on the 2-pack FridaBaby DermaFrida the SkinSoother Silicone Bath Brushes a month ago, but it was like a big problem then. Packing them off to my sister, who is due in October.

Two months ago, we were in flux. Nights are up and down. Days are mostly up. Sleep training is a completely foreign concept to me. We're in survival mode. And my LO is such a distracted eater during the day and especially at bedtime. I am thinking that he's waking more at night because he's hungry. He will eat and then go back to sleep 2-3 times per night. He used to sleep 10 hours continuously for weeks 3-18. 🤷‍♀️  Maybe he just wants to be comforted. Who doesn't?

Two months ago, we consolidated from 4 naps to 3. I've tried walking baby in a carrier outside around sunset to skip the 4th nap. Then putting him down for the night at his usual time. Alternatively, we put him down a bit earlier. Only problem with that is he wakes earlier in the am. I was up at 4am for the day today. He went down at around 6pm last night.

Two months ago, the baby was eating and sleeping ONLY with mom. Should I be angry with myself for allowing baby to reject bottles and not nap anywhere else other than next to or on me? My husband came back from the grocery store with all the stuff he likes and none of what I like to eat that is healthy. I am so sick of COVID and it is really hard to manage the baby AND my own meals AND the grocery list AND cooking and cleaning AND not let things go bad because we have no time or energy to cook them. We get fast food so often like twice a day and I know it's nutritionally poor, not to mention financially wasteful. I have GOT to get more efficient. I start back to work in 2 weeks. That will be 11 contact hours plus 2 office hours plus prep and grading time. I can barely find 3 hours per day to shower, exercise, cook and clean. Something's gotta give.

Wednesday, September 30, 2020

26 week check in

I finally feel like my core is starting to be less like jello and more like a washboard. I've been doing exercises to address diastasis recti for 2 months now. It's working slowly but surely.

Albert had his 6 month pediatrician appointment. He passed all his milestones. Sat up well. We got samples of vitamin D drops for him so we're starting to add that to his iron-fortified rice cereal that he has for breakfast. He had a solid poop yesterday and it freaked me out.

Last weekend he started babbling mama-mama and it made my heart sink down into my foot. My baby seems like he's starting to acquire language and it seems so soon. 

Balancing work and parenting is really stressful. I want to be with Albert all the time, to meet his needs and enjoy spending time with him. I also want to meet my students' needs, to be competent at my job and create a safe space (virtually) where we can be together, be vulnerable, exchange ideas, grow in knowledge, and build community. This is a very big ask! 

My dear husband says it's a challenge to be successful at all three of the tasks listed below:
1) deliver quality content
2) answer students' questions
3) monitor students' attention
He said simply, "pick two."

My Fit4Mom gal pals asked just yesterday whether I have a tech TA to assist and the answer is that I was offered one but I didn't realize I would need it until now. Too late.

Thursday, September 17, 2020

22 week check in

Briefly, things are going well. Albert is long and strong. He is 28.5 inches tall, which puts him in the 99th percentile for length. He is average weight (around 50th percentile) and still has a big head (90th percentile) that is mostly round now.

I had a revelation that "my weight gain is partly Albert and his weight gain is partly me." This has helped me be more at peace with my post-baby body. I also still use the affirmation "my baby is healthy, my baby is safe" which helps me navigate this pandemic.

He is waking 4-6 times at night to eat. I have grown to understand that I am an attachment parent. Back-to-school is going to be difficult since I have been attached to Albert for 5 months, 8 if you count my third trimester where I was working from home.

I picked up my copy of Cribsheet today. I had a bookmark stuck in it. Apparently I had read the chapters on coming home from the hospital, breastfeeding, safe sleep, naps, vaccinations, work-life balance, and day care. I had stopped at sleep training. When I picked it up, I knew it was time for the topic. 

Also the bookmark I had put there was my instructions from the chiropractor about the time required to heal from a C-section and I also needed to be reminded that I should do no crunches until Albert is 1 year old. Also that it will take 6-9 months after I stop breastfeeding for the relaxin to leave my body. 

My dear sister said that I should give it one year plus 5 months, at least that is the advice she gives her athletes.

What I wanted to discuss today is how we are rearranging the house to accommodate zoom spaces and Albert's new toys and the pack and play now that it is no longer a changing table.

Actual Places to put Baby

https://www.amazon.com/Fisher-Price-GGD48-Sit-Me-Up-Floor-Seat/dp/B07FG5XQ49/

https://www.amazon.com/Fisher-Price-Infant-to-Toddler-Rocker-Geo-Diamonds/dp/B014D4HHQI/

https://www.amazon.com/Dream-Me-Playard-Mattress-White/dp/B004JU0H6O/
+ associated mattress cover and sheets

https://www.amazon.com/Munchkin-Secure-Waterproof-Diaper-Changing/dp/B00O64QJOC/
+ associated sheet covers

Toys & Stuff to do with Baby

https://www.amazon.com/Little-Tikes-Splash-Water-Table/dp/B00QGSMK8K/

https://www.amazon.com/Dream-Me-Playard-Mattress-White/dp/B004JU0H6O/
+ associated mattress cover and sheets

http://annesoddsandends.blogspot.com/2013/04/fisher-price-friday-milk-carrier.html

Thursday, August 20, 2020

Nursery

Quilt gallery

The theme of our nursery isn't something I intentionally chose. What happened was that my MIL gave us a few quilts that were sewn for our nephews (her grandchildren). I washed them before Albert was born but then just set them aside for awhile. It didn't seem right to let him play on something that was almost 20 years old. 

I also have a quilt that is 40 years old that my mom sewed for me before I was born. And I have a quilt that I made for my baby. There is also quilted pillows and a cushion for the window seat that I quilted out of old jeans about 3 years ago. There is a graduation quilt that people signed when I finished my undergrad in 2002, so 18 years ago.















The furniture that ended up being SUPER useful was the changing table and the glider. Albert isn't really at the point where he sleeps well in his crib, but I am confident we'll get there eventually. The gliding footrest is EVERYTHING. We didn't use the bassinet for long, instead we put Albert into a cosleeper. The most clutch feature of the cosleeper was the vibrating clip-on heart. We also use a separate white noise machine. We do have a baby-cam setup, but since he co-sleeps we don't realy use it unless he goes to bed and we stay up late, or vice versa, he sleeps in and we get up early.




Friday, August 7, 2020

Back to School COVID edition

In a normal back-to-school frenzy, I would be stressing about my teaching assignment and preparing documents like syllabi. I also have a tendency to stress about all the things I put on my summer to-do list that I didn't finish.

This year I have a baby AND there's a raging epidemic in our country. How that changes things is that my department has posted the teaching schedule about a month earlier than usual. This is great because I can start working on my Canvas sites weeks before classes start rather than days. This is particularly great with my baby because I have to work in small (~15 minute) chunks rather than in marathon sessions like I used to.

Due to COVID, my students will only meet me via Zoom. I will have to go to campus for my lab, which meets from 5:30-8:20pm on Tuesday and Thursday. I will be teaching CHEM 100 lectures (introductory chemistry) from home on Monday and Wednesday from 4:30-5:45pm. I will be teaching SCIENCE 100 lectures (Freshman Seminar) from home on Tuesday and Thursday from 2:00-3:15pm.

I have been using Zoom all spring and summer with my family and mom fitness group. I feel confident that I will be able to run the class. Here are some recommendations that were compiled by exit interviews with ~350 students.

1. Discuss class norms on day one
2. Email students regularly
3. Send motivational messages via Canvas Insights
4. Use images or videos on slides instead of text
5. Give a 5-10 minute break in a 75 minute class
6. Make Zoom link easy to find on Canvas homepage
7. Have Canvas page populate gradually. Seeing the whole semesters content is too overwhelming 
8. Use the whiteboard feature to show problem solving
9. Use polling for student engagement but do not use too many different softwares
10. Consider Zoom breakout rooms and Google docs for groupwork
11. Record and post class meetings
12. Be flexible with exam times
13. Consider "Remind" app for students to communicate with each other outside of class
14. Build in social-emotional support. Let them talk off-topic in breakout room for a few minutes before diving into material. Tell jokes and give motivational pep talks. 

Yes, I could have cut and pasted these, but I wanted to type them out and paraphrase in hopes that the message would penetrate my brain more deeply and permanently.