buying all the things

Teacher here. Just bought $291 of technology to be able to teach remotely in fall semester.

In the past 3 months I have bought $367 worth of new items for my baby. Mostly stuff that could have been on my registry if I had known I would be needing it.

In that same span of time, I have bought $309 in new clothes and a book for myself. I justified those as a) Mother's day. b) my 40th Birthday. and c) my old clothes don't fit and I never leave the house anymore anyway so why not get more comfy clothes.

Los Angeles kids consignment is having contact-free shopping [online](https://lakidsonline.com/) for just a few days. I bought about $300 in toys, clothes and feeding stuff for the next stages. Pick up is by appointment.

I am not a big fan of online shopping for new items. I prefer to shop at thrift stores and get things secondhand where possible. The closures of local businesses has made this difficult. We did go to Children's Orchard in Santa Clarita and got a few zipper PJ's and a Sit-me-up chair for $30. It was nice because new those PJs cost $10 each. Because it was 50% off all blue tag items, we got most of them for $1 or $2.

I guess I am trying to justify all this shopping and chalk it up to "this is us doing the best we can, given the current parameters." I hope it's not just me over here like... I'm bored. Let me buy something to cheer me up. I hope this stuff is needed, will be used for years to come when the pandemic-related restrictions are permanently lifted.

And also, my sister's baby shower is in like 2.5 weeks. I can't go due to COVID and it doesn't seem right to fly or drive halfway across the country now. I feel like I would be a leper coming from a hotspot. But I SO wish I could be there!

One thing I have been doing is saving all my Amazon boxes and filling them with items our baby has outgrown and mailing them to my sister. I'm sure we've probably spent $300 in shipping costs, but it is helping me feel like I'm helping her prepare for her baby.

4 months postpartum

The second week of July was a hard week. I had to go in the kitchen and do some yoga while my husband was holding the baby. I had to call him home from work at noon because I just couldn't take it being at home alone with a fussy baby. My husband was trying to talk to me and I just couldn't even answer. I wanted to scream, yell and cry at the same time. 

My baby had surgery and the recovery was hard. I used to dance with my baby and swing and stroll to calm him down, but since he had an operation, now I don't want to jostle him at all. It's hard keeping him calm when entertainment options are limited. No tummy time or back time with his toy arch because I don't want him doing crunches.

I kept thinking that if not for COVID, we could have had more support from our friends and family members. Instead, I'm scared that our trip to the hospital exposed us to more risk. They say that 1 in 140 people in my city are currently infected. That seems like a lot to me. 

I used to go rollerskating on Wednesday evenings to blow off steam and it occurred to me that even if I could go and leave the baby with my husband, the roller rink is closed due to COVID. Parenting books suggest leaving the baby with a neighbor or friend for 15 minutes to regain your composure, but due to COVID, that's not possible.

My husband kept asking me to make all these decisions too and I was just so tapped out. I had to say "no decisions for mom for the rest of the day. Dad has to make some baby-related decisions." It's exhausting doing all the judgements. I can't fully explain it, but I feel slightly better today (it has been 2 weeks).

I have a friend due in September and a younger sister due in October and I am totally that mom now that is giving advice. Hopefully not scaring them, but trying to add stuff to their baby registry while people are still sending them stuff. I had 2 friends send me boxes and boxes of stuff I didn't know I would need and they were such angels for doing that. I was pretty obsessed with pregnancy and not very well prepared for the fourth trimester. 

I grieve the brevity of my son's newborn phase now that it's over. I wish I could have been more present and more selfish with holding my son. No amount of time is enough. 

In the first 2 months I would pump and let other people feed my baby. Why? Now we exclusively breastfeed and by the end of the day I'm pretty touched out. Then after a few minutes of breaktime, with my husband giving one bottle from the previous night's middle of the night pump, I'm ready to hold my baby again. How will I possibly handle going back to work?! Nothing in my life seems as significant as protecting and spending quality time with my son.

I am anxious tonight because we are spending the weekend with my in-laws who are divorced from each other and both remarried. We're spending two nights away from home, for the third time since baby was born. I'm not loving it. 

I DO want to have a good relationship with my son's grandparents, so I am trying to share my baby with them. But I also remember that I am slightly resentful of having had to share my baby so much in his first three months of life. Will I regret this weekend too?

My son had a surgery and his 4 month vaccines a week later. COVID cases are surging. I just wanted to take the whole month of July to rest and not travel and not celebrate my 40th birthday. Lord knows these hips do not need any cake.

But this is our Father's day celebration. Also as my husband relentlessly points out his father is a doctor and his mother is a nurse. They wouldn't knowingly put us in danger. 

Two weeks later update: the weekend away was a disaster. My mother in law went for a 7 mile hike in a heatwave and ended up getting life-flighted to a local hospital. This interrupted our visit with my father in law and eliminated our Sunday morning walk.

They are cleaning out their house and want to give us a bunch of things, so we have to reorganize over here in order to accommodate. We couldn't fit all the items in our van so they wanted to come last weekend and we said no. So they're coming this weekend. I'm doing my best to get the house ready for guests, but baby is suffering through his 4 month sleep regression and it's making mommy and daddy more tired than usual.

the best drugs

Started watching "The Business of Drugs" on Netflix last night. All that talk of dopamine and serotonin made me think of my baby.

Yes. Baby smells delicious. I have even found my husband's smell more delicious lately. Like when I lay on his pillow, I love the smell of it. Like sugar cookies or freshly baked sweet bread. I wonder if it is due to oxytocin. Causing our nuclear family to bond even more tightly. That would be advantageous, no? For survival. And maybe my husband is making different aroma, maybe my nose receptors are rearranged or maybe my brain is perceiving it differently. Anyhow on the flip side, my own body is producing extreme BO. Or maybe that's just my perception. I have yet to get outside confirmation. Too scared to ask my husband, and due to COVID, I don't see anyone else in person.

Last week was another hormonal rollercoaster. I was super weepy on Thursday and Friday then had a migraine on Sunday. I am kind of trying to track when these bumps in the road occur to predict if my period is coming back.

I swear I have never been so present in the here and now of my life since getting pregnant and having this baby. Starting in pregnancy, I did a lot of monotasking. Being really aware of my surroundings to protect the baby. Not doing too many things at once. Like not "carrying stuff up and down the stairs while listening to music." I did just one thing like walking. And just focused on that one thing. It was a major shift. I know people say mindfulness is a tool to help recovering addicts. I don't know how I will ever let go of this baby when I return to work.

turning 40

I have devoted this month to my son, who has survived his hernia repair surgery and 4-month vaccinations. I will be keeping a close eye on him and doing all I can to promote rest and healing. I never really looked forward to turning 40, and had no expectations for how it would be, so I am completely content in how it has turned out.

A few little gifts I bought for myself are linked below. I have no regrets about these purchases!

comfy sweatpants

new slippers

cotton shorts

sleeping bra

Not only are these items COVID-19 quarantine approved, but they complete my postpartum essential wardrobe. Heather gray is my new favorite color. I used to think of it as drab but now it is the best at camouflaging dried spit-up. Thank you, Heather!

Also my baby's pediatrician kind of scolded me yesterday for not taking prenatal vitamins. She said my baby looks too pale. He's exclusively breastfed (EBF). I read somewhere that mom and baby store the iron from prenatal vitamins taken during pregnancy for 4 months postpartum so I was going to re-start the vitamins soon anyway, but it didn't feel good to be told there's something wrong with the way my baby looks. 

I read that babies shouldn't wear sunscreen until they are at least 6 months old, so I've been covering him head-to-toe if we go outside. Of course he's pale, right? I am terrified of him getting a sunburn and becoming super cranky or dehydrated. Do babies tan? 

Rashguard and hat

Aquasocks

Pool float and sunglasses

They told me to stop all supplements when I was discharged from the hospital after my C-section and then at my 6-week follow up OB appointment, my doctor was ambivalent about whether I needed supplements. She was like: it's ok if you want to. But she wasn't like: definitely start taking your vitamins.

Anyhow, last night I took the prenatal multivitamin, vitamin D, calcium/magnesium, DHA/EPA and lecithin. I think I need to buy a daily pill case so I don't forget to take these. I am having the worst memory lately.

Postpartum pandemic shopping to have something to look forward to is a real thing. I also got a silicone mold to start making & freezing baby food.

Breastfeeding truths

I feel like I was so prepared for labor. I took classes. For 10 weeks. I did daily strengthening and stretching to help with birthing. I ate dates and drank raspberry leaf tea. Then I had an emergency C-section after 22 hours of active labor.

I was unprepared for the realities of breastfeeding. The endless hours on the couch. The slouch. The horrible recovery from abdominal surgery. I didn't know what the fourth trimester would be like. I took one 2 hour breastfeeding class. I took one 2 hour orientation and tour of L&D. I just don't think I fully appreciated the length of time it would take to recover from the process of separating my baby's body from my body.

What I mean is: my feet hurt all the time. I feel like my bones are loose. My ribcage is loose. My pelvis is loose. My wrist hurts all the time. I walked 4 miles today. It's the one thing my husband wanted to do for Father's day. I feel like I've been run over by a concrete mixer. 

I have pain around my incision when I do too much lifting. We spent time on Friday tidying up the garage, putting things away and tossing out trash. By the end of it, I was in pain just trying to sweep the floor. I'm 14 weeks postpartum. I don't know what I thought, but it was something along the lines of "as soon as this baby is out (vaginally) I will recover in 2-3 days." 

This is hard for me because I was like a crazy single woman for a long time. I loved going out on long runs with my two dogs. I would ride bicycles all day and all night. I love hard workouts, rollerskating and dancing. I have always been a strong and independent woman, not needing help with anything.

I had no idea that as long as I am breastfeeding, the relaxin levels in my body will stay high, which means no high-impact exercise. When I set my mind to EBF, I didn't realize what that meant. I am not second guessing it, but I wonder if the people who teach those BF classes could give moms-to-be the real truth about that. 

I was not told that pumping can help build your supply if your milk doesn't come in right away or your baby doesn't latch well. I ended up figuring that out myself. I wasn't taught that formula and breastmilk aren't mutually exclusive. I used both for the first 3 weeks. I wasn't told that paced bottle feeding is a great way to monitor and teach your baby to latch. I still worried about nipple confusion when it came to bottles and pacifiers. I felt like a failure at BF when my baby didn't take to it right away.

I was trying to get information out of my mom and she said that she "wasn't a good cow." What the hell does that even mean? My dad's sister was all nirvana about it. Her son "just latched from birth and it was perfect from there."

I remember that when I was pregnant I didn't want to hear any birth horror stories. So I guess I'm just over here shouting into the vacuum. I hate quarantine. I EBF now, on demand all day with one MOTN pump, and my period hasn't come back yet. Hopefully tomorrow will be better and this week will be quiet and restful.

Yea! 14 weeks postpartum + 3 days and I finally feel my breasts are less engorged. I was doing tummy time with my son and not in pain for the first time in months. Been EBF since 7 weeks + 3 days.

I get worried about not making enough milk, but I try to tell myself "the breast is not a storage vessel" and that engorgement is not good. It puts pressure on delicate milk ducts, which can lead to other problems.

I read that supply regulates at 12 weeks pp but maybe I'm late because my milk didn't come in right away. Hoping this means I can drop my MOTN pump. I was afraid to drop it before my supply regulated because I thought it might cause my supply to drop.

Hating that when I worry about BF stuff, my mind wishes I could attend in-person support groups...but I can't due to COVID. My husband is like, "isn't there support online?" I am a member of LLLI Facebook group. Are there any others I am missing? 

Side note: I sobbed during my workout on Monday morning while babywearing. I was just thinking about how much I love my son. On Sunday I fantasized about going no- contact with my mom. Then today I called her like nothing was wrong. So yeah, it's been a hormone rollercoaster lately.

Edit to add: @pump_momma_pump on IG recommends 2 MOTN pumps from birth-2 months, 1 MOTN pump during months 3-4, skipping MOTN pump during months 5-6. So I guess I'll keep doing it until school starts up again. I was painfully engorged this morning after skipping last night's MOTN session.

Lots of times I wear my baby, who helps hold the milk bags in place. Sometimes I wear a nursing bra or two. I definitely don't do any jumping stuff, more dancing. I tried a zumba class, it was a little too intense. This [barre](https://youtu.be/r55Y72xVTuM) workout was good and sufficiently hard. This [HIIT](https://youtu.be/cLJfmPaKb1M) workout was good also. Definitely modify push-ups to wall and jumps to heel-raises. 

I have no idea if returning to exercise so soon was the best thing for my body. I feel my upper abs are OK but below my belly button, I feel like there is still a gap that I can stick my fingers into. I just bookmarked [video A](https://youtu.be/B2fkwJIIuFU) and [video B](https://youtu.be/sNcmGhLI4Hk) today to try to resolve this. My lower belly is hanging over my C-section scar like a big old beer gut and it's unacceptable. I started up with light group fitness via Zoom at 3 weeks postpartum. I did it to deal with the baby blues and to combat the quarantine isolation.

I ended up buying a bunch of loose-fitting tops to wear around the house because I heard that tight bras can interfere with milk production and contribute to clogged ducts. I remember thinking nursing tanks were garbage and yet again I was wrong to think that I wouldn't need it.

How Often does baby eat? 6 feeds per day, 1.5 hours between naps

How Long does baby eat? 15-25 minutes

Does baby eat on both Sides? One side per feed

How Old is baby? 15 weeks + 5 days

I read that there are lots of variables like breast storage capacity, how fast is your letdown, how strongly the baby removes the milk, fat content of your milk, etc. It may not be helpful to compare our numbers this way because every situation is unique. I am not a lactation consultant, so please do not take this as medical advice.

When my baby was 1 month old, I was EP and tracking using the Ovia app, he would eat between 20-30 oz per day. I pump once or twice in a 24 hour period now. Daytime, I can pump 2-3 oz per breast. MOTN (between 1-3am) I can get 5-7 oz per breast. We freeze some of that milk and some we bottle feed to the baby now, right before bed when I'm "touched out."

My son has always had the habit of falling asleep at the breast. I read that I should let him suckle until he lets go of the latch, so that's what I do. I have only been collecting 2 days worth of recent data using the Huckleberry app, otherwise I would have no idea since we feed and nap on demand. I have recently become curious what our patterns are, partly because I will go back to work at the end of August.

Also, my son is having his hernia repair surgery next week and I wanted to be able to answer questions from the health care team with actual data and try to plan how we're going to do the feeding on surgery day since we have to report at 5:30am and baby has to be fasting.

upcoming surgery

I went to a Zoom book club this week. I feel my adult academic brain is like lost in the fog of hormones. I could bearly follow the discussion. Half the time I couldn't remember the prompt long enough to think of a response, and the times when I could think of a response, I couldn't remember it long enough to share it when another person finished speaking. I'm not mad about it. It's just strange and new to me. 

I can't keep track of little details anymore. Like baking meatballs that have to be turned halfway through cooking, I couldn't remember which pan (left or right) was on the top or bottom oven rack. I used to be so meticulous! I am a bit worried about starting to work again. I have less than 2 months left.

Anyone else become more neurotic about keeping a tidy house? I used to be very lackadaisical about housekeeping but ever since my son was born I can't stand having dirty dishes in the sink, used socks on the floor, cluttered countertops and unfolded blankets on the couch. I think it's because everything with the baby feels very out of my control. He feeds and sleeps on HIS schedule. So keeping the house tidy is something I can control. 

This wouldn't be a worry except I am staying up later at night to tidy up while my husband goes to bed early with the baby. I'm home alone just me and baby all day while my husband is at work, so it's harder to tidy up during daylight hours. But now I am losing sleep and getting tired during the day. Yesterday I stole a little afternoon nap and I usually hate sleeping during the day. Then I was up doing laundry during my MOTN pump.

We started logging sleep in the Huckleberry app. I'm curious to know if it's more regular than I can perceive.

Finally, and most importantly, Albert's surgery is scheduled for next week. It's a laparoscopic hernia repair. He's also having a COVID test. The following week, he will get his 4-month vaccinations, so July will be very busy medically speaking. Also, I'm turning 40. NBD.

aspirational

So much of mommy social media is aspirational. It's unattainable yet attractive. Nobody wants their Instagram showcasing photos of dim lighting, dust and clutter. But that's where this pandemic has me sitting right now.

Aspirational products in the mommy sphere I would include a Snoo. It is priced in the $1,100-$1,400 range. It is intended for newborns and infants up to 25 lbs and/or 6 months of age. Even the Halo bassinet is $275. We got a used one for $28 that we only used for a month before switching to a $77 cosleeper with a vibration attachment.

Another one I would say is the DockATot. Priced between $175-$315, it is essentially a fancy pillow with a removable cover. I thought I needed it for a minute, but I'm ultimately glad I bought another product instead.

Another category of aspirational baby products is prams. One, for example, costs $529-$699. The BOB jogging stroller costs $399-$699. I'm not saying a jogging stroller isn't useful. I just feel like maybe it's priced high because not everyone can afford it and that is on purpose. It's a product that communicates to other moms that you have the financial means to purchase such a high-priced item.

Baby Brezza Formula Pro Advanced, priced at $249, is like a one touch espresso machine for making up baby bottles. Now we're guilty on this one! We have the Baby Brezza Bottle Warmer ($70) and Baby Brezza Sterilizer ($100) when you could just boil some water in a pot for free. I do use these two appliances EVERY DAY, but I think each person would have to decide for themselves whether they want such luxury.

We are transferring our son to his crib, he is 3.5 months old and just under 15 pounds.

I have been thinking about the phrase "aspirational" lately. In marketing, it applies to like high-end items that not everyone can afford. There are lots of things like that for babies. But I also see a lot of aspirational Instagram accounts full of moms and kids where everything is clean and everyone is happy and gorgeous.

Lately I've been putting healthy eating (meal planning, shopping, cooking, washing up) and working out (getting organized, wearing the right gear, showering before/after) in the aspirational bucket. I want an Instagram worthy meal. "Eat the rainbow" and all that. I want to glitter and glisten with glamorous sweat. But some days all I do is tend to the baby. Either he's needy or I'm exhausted or both. Sometimes the fitness and clean eating are just aspirational.

I have nowhere near lost "the baby weight." I struggled to lose about 30 lbs before I was pregnant. Then gained it back during pregnancy. Lost a bunch quick after delivery. Gained some back now while breastfeeding. I feel flabby but where am I really going now because pandemic. At least there's less to do now where looks matter.

My MIL and SIL said something kind of weird on Mother's Day, which was supposed to be our big "sip and see" party. They said, "you can look frumpy for a year. But after that..." yeah well I'm just taking this full year then to focus on repairing my body and enjoying spending time with my baby. I give myself permission to take my time and not get too caught up in aspirations.