fall morning musings

Sorry for the brain dump. I have no time to edit this into a more coherent post. But I do think it's important to check in on how training is going. We're post-liminal space now. We're "in season." I've been relying on B-vitamins and ginseng to give me the energy to get through semester weeks 4 and 5. I'm starting to really look forward to the Mission Inn Run.

9/14 Morning run routine and motivation for consistent workouts

Good morning, runners of the world. I'm now here, it's a Monday morning. My feet are already hurting. This workout is kind of questionable. Don't know if I should be doing this right now. But I'm up. My husband woke me up. I'm ready to get my workout in and get on with my day. It's not a big deal, right?

People everywhere get up, do a workout, and get on with their day. I try to keep it simple. Follow the training plan. I trust the training plan. Sometimes life gets in the way. My son has been saying every food tastes like something else. Cucumbers taste like lime. Blueberries taste like dirt. I'm pretty convinced it's the sickness that we're dealing with. And as usual, my husband got it really bad. I'm in denial. And our child is just turning into a tiny Tasmanian devil. Because he doesn't know what to do with himself. He's sick and tired, and he's just running on adrenaline.

I don't know what I'm doing. I do know. I'm okay. Doing my little warm-up here. I'm getting my heart rate up walking up a big hill. I know how to do this. I trust my body. I trust my instincts. Although, my instincts today told me I just need to stretch, and not do a workout, but here we are.

At least the weather's kind of nice, 66°. I'll take that. Better than it has been. One morning last week it was 80 degrees at this time, so 66 feels nice. I felt really good after yesterday's run. I felt a lot of positive vibes. Which is why I decided to go out today.

I did my first upper body workout with my friend, Erik. That was good. I'm not that sore. I feel like I did something, I really did. I did something different. I did something brave. I did something that I would normally not do. And I'm okay. I don't feel so sore that I would never do it again. I will do it again. I will do it again. I will do it every Saturday. I will put it into my schedule. Do it. I gotta take a closer look at Coach David's plan.

I am at the top of this hill. Keep going. I tried to listen to a podcast, but it didn't really inspire me today. So I'll probably listen to music. Catch you next time.

9/22 Recovery and training routine after illness and donation

It's a good morning, it's a good morning to not get hit by a car. Hopefully these cars stop, they have a red light. You just never know with people, but I'm here, I'm out here training.

It's 24 weeks till the marathon. And despite all the foot issues that I've been having, I figured out that I just need to sleep with my feet in a flexed position. And that has helped greatly. Yesterday at work, my feet were feeling really good. Of course, I didn't run yesterday, but I'm gonna try a run today. See how that tracks.

I've had a lot going on in the past two weeks with my foot issues. We got sick. We got the flu. We've got diarrhea, nausea. I couldn't heal properly, I'm so tired. And this weekend, I donated blood. So we're gonna see how we feel going into the Bimbo race this weekend. Do a little couple laps around the Rose Bowl just for funzies.

I kind of switched up Monday and Tuesday. My husband got a little agitated by that. He likes it when I do my rest day on Tuesday. I wrote about how I felt like I was in a liminal space. A liminal space between 2 training plans. At the end of summer, the beginning of school, I almost feel like I'm probably in the groove of school. I don't say I'm thriving yet, but starting to get some traction. Trying to figure out what I can do. What I can do comfortably. And not have a total body breakdown. Because we want to train productively. My husband reminded me I usually find my groove mid-semester, like week 8 or 10 and then the semester ends. And I get a whole new schedule. And then it's chaos again.

By training, we want to cause adaptations in our body that lead to greater fitness. And what we don't want to do is break down to the point where we can't go on. I don't know how, but I was kind of there. If your body's not recovering, then you're just digging a deeper and deeper hole. Can't rest your way out of it. Can't eat your way out of it.

I've added on some other recovery things. I try to do it every single night. Magnesium foot soak and athlete's foot cream (1% clotrimazole NOT tolnaftate). Foam roll a bit. A little bit more on the muscle scraping right now to remove adhesions. I'm putting a lot more time and energy into recovery now. But it is pushing bedtime back by 30 minutes.

9/24 LARR Coach's call

What is 80/20 for runners? 80% low intensity, 20% high intensity. But that's not the perfect plan for everyone. It is what is used in Coach David's Level 4 plan for the LA Marathon.

As you age, you need to go down a level because you have less growth hormone. Level 1 is for age 70. Level 5 is for someone in their 20s. It has nothing to do with experience.

Run so slow that you're bored. So that you need company. That is your easy pace. Easy = fat-burning, aerobic, zone 2. MRP = zone 3, could maintain this pace forever. T-pace raises the pace at which you still can use fat as a fuel source. R-pace is neurological, engaging fast-twitch muscles.

Speed, volume, hills all increase the risk of injury. Fartlek is Swedish for speed play. Choosing a random object and going fast to get to it. Something you can see.

Morning & evening runs are the best. If we could all do it. On the same day. To increase volume efficiently. You can do 30 minutes in the morning. Then eat protein to rebuild muscle. Take a nap. Do some body work (massage). Then run again in the evening. Break it up if you can. That's what the pros do.

Why is the training plan in minutes rather than miles? Your body knows heart rate. It doesn't know miles. It knows time spent in anaerobic. You don't need to rely on an expensive heart rate monitor. You can just pay attention to your breathing.

Key Takeaways

I think based on what Coach was saying, and this was one of the questions I was going to ask him, if I got injured following the level 3 plan for the Santa Monica Classic, which plan should I follow for the marathon? I think he said that if you get injured, drop back to level 1. 

Coach also said that as you get older, you may need more strength training than what is written in the plan. He said if you're Travis Kelce and you're already built like a truck, you might not need more exercises that build muscle. But if you're frail, with less muscle tissue, then you might need more strength training than what is in the training plan.

Even with all these setbacks, I only completely skipped 1 training session. The other days, I inserted stretching or yoga or walking. It took me 2 weeks to reach out to my sister and ask for help. Why am I so stubborn? haha! Next time I'll try to reach out sooner.

Thank you to summer me who decided to order new shoes. I went through all my shoes and did a test to see if they would bend easily. Even though they're new, the Ghost 17 and Glycerin 22 bend so easily. But thankfully, the Ghost Max 2 does not. I kept preferring to run in the Ghost Max 2 but I didn't really know why. So I bought two more pairs from Amazon. Amazingly I have 3 pairs of shoes that I can rotate and I wear the running shoes during the day while teaching. So I don't have any dedicated running shoes, at the moment. But at least I am getting the plantar faschiitis under control.

https://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2026/08/marathon-shoes.html

marathon reflection

I attended a workshop on end-of-semester reflections for both teachers and students on Tuesday, December 9, 2025. The facilitator gave us some great reflection questions, which I have applied to my marathon training.

To what extent have you met your RunClub goals?

How it started: Keep up with kiddo. Slim down. Balance mood.

How its going: My kid is fast. I will have to get a lot faster to keep up with him. Also, I didn't appreciate how long it would take to slim down. If you had told me this would be a 5-year process, I'm not sure I would have had the courage to start. Balanced mood is 💯 working. I don't think I could have survived the past few years without running. I chill hard. So hard. My marriage has improved. Menopause symptoms are muted. Healthy eating and self-care increased.

What helped you learn? What do you wish you'd known on day one? What did you learn that actually mattered? What surprised you?

The hamstring pain after the 2025 marathon was likely due to a tight pelvic floor, not a hamstring injury. Summer beach miles are the best, shoutout to Goodr and Valley Runners LA. The Bimbo Global race was super fun and free. Damsel in Defense saved me from a rapist. Katie and Brianna RIP. The LA Road Runners Dodger Stadium meetup and Asics shoe demo was awesome.

Foot pain was caused by running downhill in bad shoes, not by laces being too tight. It was actually from a tight muscle in the shin (tibialis anterior). Lock laces are convenient, but didn’t solve the issue. Stretching is what you do after the run. Mobility is what you do between runs.

I was able to keep up with the TK boys at the LA Zoo while all the other parents and teachers were lagging behind. They said I was in amazing shape. Thanks to marathon training! Yesterday I was mistaken for a student. I'm 20-25 years older than the students. So I guess that's a compliment.

Aha moment?

An Aha moment I had was that I am not running much faster or slower than friends, so why am I running alone? Why not just do the race(s) together? Is the pace more important than the camaraderie?

Now I'm trying to decide whether I would want to do the LA Marathon again in 2027. Obviously, you don't have to run a marathon every year. You can enjoy shorter distances and still be considered a real runner. Is RunClub+ with Fit4Mom West SFV working out, or would I actually enjoy running with the LA Road Runners at Balboa Park (if they continue to offer that location)? Or do I actually enjoy running alone and creating my own program?

Major Setbacks this Training Cycle

A sexual assault was reported on campus on Sept 26, 2025, at 5:30am, and I'm convinced I saw the guy. I believe he saw me running, sized me up, and decided to keep looking. He assaulted a female running near CSUN. It shook me up and I didn't know what to do. Luckily, we attended a street fair in Simi Valley and I saw a booth selling Pepper Spray. I've been carrying it ever since.

My cousin died while out on a training run for a half-marathon on Nov 7, 2025. It has not made me want to stop running, but it has made me wear even brighter colors (if that's even possible) and keep my head on a swivel at all times. Her sister also died 25 years ago while jogging on March 19, 2001, and re-reading this article makes me so angry that they victim-shamed her, and the driver was not held responsible. The article also mentions that she was running without her ID and wasn't immediately identified. This is why I'm so adamant about running with an ID and emergency contacts.

• https://www.bmlfh.com/obituary/katherine-kate-gogela
• mother of Henry (11), Maxwell (8), Julia (6), and Jacob (4).

Subclade K, even though I got a flu shot. Albert was vomiting on Superbowl Sunday, Feb 8, 2026. We had a horrible virus that is still hanging on more than 3 weeks later. It was GI-related, then sinus, and finally a cough.

But hey, at least we got so much rain that we didn't have a horrible wildfire season like last year.

Sparkle Season

I am already exhausted. The pressure to create the holiday magic is so real. I don't know if it actually brings me joy or am I a product of my culture. Like, am I just acculterated to feel like I must do these things:

Bake cookies

Decorate a tree

Buy gifts for people

Wrap the gifts

Hang stockings

Get stocking staffers

Plan a holiday meal / menu

Plan holiday experiences

Watch holiday movies

Drink holiday drinks

All while teaching six classes, leading a run club, and doing normal stuff like laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, meal prep, and trying like hell to drink enough water and not forget to do anything important.

I surround myself with calendars and to do lists. I am literally terrified of forgetting something. Thoughts flit into my consciousness and then right back out again just as quickly. I can't write them down fast enough and I can't remember what I already forgot.

I want the holidays to sparkle but I am not home enough to enjoy the decor. I have no idea what gifts I have already. I may have sent gifts to people. I bought holiday cards and stamps but I don't know when I will have the chance to address them, write a message, and put them in the mail.

My eye is twitching. It has been doing this for about 4 days. I'm worried it's due to stress and dehydration.

Struggle Meals

When we found out that my pay would be only 53% of what it was last year, we started scrambling to see how we could cut $2800 from our monthly bills.

I used the feature of our banking app to see how our monthly spending broke down by category and I saw that we were spending $2800 per month on Target, Amazon, and McDonald's. Roughly.

So I thought, this will be easy. Cut out unnecessary purchases AND going out to eat, and we'll be good. Turns out that we buy a good deal of necessities from Target and Amazon. Boring stuff like toilet paper, tampons, and shampoo, among other things. And our kid was not a big fan of giving up McDonald's completely.

So we cut other things. Our zoo membership, our arboretum membership, our aquarium membership, our Disneyland magic key, our children's museum membership. It's not the cost of the membership that gets us, it's the fact that every time we go, we end up buying lunch, souvenirs, and snacks. It's not fun to go if we can't enjoy ourselves.

We cut any subscriptions we aren't loving. I haven't had a haircut in months. I started using shampoo and conditioner that I had in storage rather than buying new. 

We decided to limit McDonald's to three times per month. Our child decided it would be on the 9th, 19th, and 29th. We go to the store without our child, meaning one parent stays home with the child while the other parent shops from a shopping list and only buys what is on the list.

Now that my pay *might* be similar to what it was... More will be revealed on that by the end of this week ...we have started relaxing some of these restrictions. We also found that our local Chick-fil-A has a "kids eat free" night with purchase of an adult meal. It helped to know that we would get one night out every week guaranteed.

Another thing I did was eat at Costco food court once or twice a week. $2 Pizza or $1.50 hot dog. I tripped across the concept of a Struggle Meal. It's the intersection of many factors: low budget, few ingredients, quick to prepare, low skill, low energy, and with common (not rare) ingredients. I love this idea for working parents as well as college students. My favorite is spaghetti with butter and Parmesan cheese. Super simple, quick and easy.

Now I can reveal that my pay is only $200 less than it was last year. But remember prices of EVERYTHING have nearly doubled. And our rent increased 6% this month. Mike was scheduled to get a cost of living adjustment, which the CSU calls the "steps" program, but they flagged him for having an already inflated salary according to his years of service. So he didn't get a raise.

What will history say about this time? The government is shutting down, firing federal employees by the thousands, canceling programs that compromise our social safety net. While building a gold ballroom and giving subsidies to other countries that suck up to us. Are we heading for an economic crisis a la great depression? Who knows?

For now, we will be okay. But I do think that the use of #strugglemeal and #recessioncore are indicative of the true lived experience for people in our country. We are still working SO hard. But our daily lives are filled with fewer treats because our buying power is getting ever weaker.

New Shoe New You

Our campus got a new toy, the BrandU photo booth. Mike and I went over there yesterday to take our headshots. It was my previous CSUN headshot that led me back to running, so I'm grateful for that. But I was hoping for a do-over because I feel like I have at least one less chin now. And it's subtle, but I have new glasses. They're the same frame style but a slightly different color.

FA23

FA25

I want to devote a short segment to gratitude for my shoes. Honestly, I don't know how many miles are on the current shoes I own, but I do think it's time to retire the Ariel 20s. It's also time to let go of the Ghost 13s that I got from Poshmark. The reason is that I can feel my toe hitting the end of the shoe. It's actually uncomfortable and after a day of wearing them, I feel my toenail on my big toe hurts.

https://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2024/10/consumables.html

I have to be very frugal, and I hate throwing things away that aren't completely obliterated. However, I don't want a massive pile of shoes by the door that I'm afraid to throw away. 

• June 2024 grey green Ariel 20 via Amazon = $92
• November 2024 grey green Ariel 20 via Amazon = $106.33
• March 2024 black/grey/white Ariel GTS 23 via Fleet Feet Encino = $160
• August 2024 Grey/Black/Pink Ariel GTS 23 via Amazon = $119.95
• February 2025 New Balance Fresh Foam X 860 v14 via Fleet Feet = $140.00
• April 2025 Ariel GTS 24 COCONUT / CHATEAU / PORTABELLA via Amazon = $160
• August 2025 Ariel GTS 24 EBONY / BLACK / WHITE via Fleet Feet = $160
• August 2025 Ariel GTS 24 MERCURY / EBONY / SWEET LAVENDER via Fleet Feet = $160

So I think I'm feeling okay about this now, seeing that I've had the Ariel 20s for a year and I still love them, and I had two other pairs in the intervening time, which I didn't love, probably because they were the wrong size. So I will likely want to buy more shoes around the holidays or afterwards (before the marathon). I actually hate the New Balance shoes. My feet hurt so much the day after I wear them. Like they're comfortable but not supportive. I understand that some people might want a lightweight shoe, but I prefer a supportive shoe that is heavier and more durable.

I had a really good summer. We did a lot of decluttering, and I'm preparing to sell some items at the consignment sale. I did a lot of cleaning. I didn't do a lot of running. June, especially, but also July, were light on miles. But the goal I had set for the year (2 miles per day), I have already met and surpassed.

Goal achieved!

I had an episode where my blood pressure surged. My doctor says it could be because of stress or excessive sodium. I came across the video below that discusses exactly the problem I've been having with histamine. It's so helpful to see this type of content, so I don't feel gaslighted. Gaslit?

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A post shared by Elevate MD (@elevatemdohio)

Looking forward to a new season with the LA Road Runners. Guessing the Santa Monica Classic (which I'm not running) is in 2 weeks.🌟 Orientation Sunday is 9/14 🌟 First Sunday of the season 9/21. I do feel like I've been doing my base building starting in July and continuing in August so I will be ready to get back in season. My run club that I oversee was a non-starter for this session. I'm not super optimistic about the Oct-Dec session either, since the holidays occupy many of those weekends, but we'll see if there's any interest.

The Disneyland Halloween half is also about 2 weeks away. I'd like to go down to Anaheim for a meet-up with the Run Fit Mama herself, Kristin Wentworth, troop 486 leader. Next week is World Princess Week, which is a holiday made up by Disney Parks. There are daily themes that have been set forth by Crowned Athletics.

https://www.runfitmama.net/trainingprograms/core-workout-plan-cinderella-royal-core-7j8s6 

https://www.crownedathletics.com/blogs/crowned-connections 

If you interact with each day's social media post, or for an extra entry, share a photo of yourself, you might win a Crowned Athletics set. Here's my loose plan for which princess goes with each day's theme. Depending on how you feel about the Disney movies, you might assign a different princess with each trait: creativity, strength, kindness, grace, and bravery.

Mon 8/25 - Creativity 

   Rapunzel / Tangled

   Tiana / Princess and the Frog

   Raya / and the Last Dragon

Tues 8/26 - Strength 

   Luisa / Encanto

   Elsa / Frozen

   Moana

Wed 8/27 - Kindness

   Snow White 

   Cinderella 

   Ariel / Little Mermaid 

Thu 8/28 - Grace

   Mulan

   Aurora / Sleeping Beauty 

   Belle / Beauty and the Beast

Fri 8/29 - Bravery

   Merida / Brave

   Jasmine / Aladdin

   Pocahontas

So I want to put together five outfits. Monday, I can wear my purple jumper and call that Tangled. Tuesday, I could wear my Powerful Hermana set. On Wednesday, I could wear my mermaid skirt / visor / tank top from Sparkle Athletic. Thursday, I teach two labs, so I'm not sure how I could represent any of those princesses, but the jumper I have to wear that isn't already taken is slate grey with a red shirt underneath. I could run in my red Arabian Nights top with the Poisoned Heart Villain athletic skort. Friday, I could wear my green jumper and my Changed Fate set. 

And finally: Monday 9/1 is Labor Day and also the kickoff to the RFF Cinderella Royal Core program. The fun thing is to go out and get a Cinderella latte, which is a pumpkin spice latte with a half pump pumpkin sauce and a half pump white mocha. In fact, I'm heading out now to pick up these sauces so that we can make it here at home.

https://athome.starbucks.com/recipe/pumpkin-spice-latte
https://athome.starbucks.com/recipe/homemade-pumpkin-spice-syrup 
I bought this but it's taking ages to arrive https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0D1TX4TL6

I'll end here. It feels like there's more to say. I wanted to do a quick check-in before the semester starts to have at least one post for August. I'm at peak optimism at the moment.  

sweatpants

I'm thanking the inventor of sweatpants today. It's interesting that sweatpants' history dates back to runners in the Olympics in the year 1920. Sweatpants became a staple of the American wardrobe during the global pandemic of 2020, a century later. I would love to see a historical photo montage of the evolution of running warm-ups. Instead, here is a historical montage of my sweatpants. These stoned sweats were bought in the aughts after Juicy Couture popularized the bejeweled velour tracksuit. I remember I wore them until they had massive holes everywhere.

Victoria's Secret Pink with Rhinestones on the Butt circa 2008

The new sweatpants I got from Target, as a Valentine's gift to myself this year, are of the brand Universal Thread. I bought them in 4 colors. The green ones say Kindness. The blue ones say Perfect As Is. The red ones say Love. The pink ones say, "it's a good day to have a good day."

Love

One sweatshirt I got this year was a different brand, Grayson/Thread, and it is pilling. It's not as heavyweight. Another sweatshirt I got is the brand Wild Fable, and it is holding up better after many washes. I love the message, too: keep dreaming. It is 80% cotton and 20% recycled polyester. I got a sweatshirt last year made of 55% Cotton, 45% Recycled Polyester. Women's Hooded Love Sweatshirt - A New day™. I love the coral logo but it's been hard to keep it clean because it's cream-colored. But the point is that it's been durable and I've worn it A LOT. 

I do remember these pink sweats, which I wore last time I was running long distances. They were pretty thin and I probably mostly slept in them, and I definitely wore them until there were massive holes in them. This is my sister and it was probably the only time in my life where we could wear the same size.

Old Navy? Sweats circa 2010

I don't know why I feel the need to justify these purchases, maybe because they were expensive. But with sweats, I don't buy them often, and I wear them out until it's unsafe to wear them in public because the inner thigh gets holey. I was reading about all the clothing that was donated during the wildfires in Eaton Canyon and Malibu. There were SO many clothes, and because consumers buy clothes so often, the donated clothing was almost new. Unfortunately, what people who were displaced by the fires needed was more toiletries, cash, or food. Some of the donated clothing was probably sent for recycling. So it's interesting that stores like Target use recycled polyester in their new clothes.

Perfect As Is

I feel like I'm driving so hard right now. Like I'm using every possible minute in the day. The semester is wrapping up in some sense, or the home stretch will be a change of pace, but it's not over yet. The track suit was launched in 1939, which included matching pants and top. Adidas adopted the tracksuit in 1967, made from nylon instead of wool. RunDMC's 1986 music video really launched the Adidas tracksuit as a staple of the hip-hop scene.

My Adidas 2020

I get up early, go for my run, do my strength training, or vice versa. Then I go to work. If I have time to grab a shower, I do, get the kiddo ready for school, and walk to school. I am getting a lot of miles, which is good. I'm having trouble getting in all my nutrition, though. And hydration is the worst. I'm pretty much unable to keep up with this. I've had these blue sweatpants for a long time, but I can't wear them to work because the flared leg drags on the ground. But the waistband is super wide and stretchy and it has a real working drawstring.

Dec 2020 Pandemic Xmas

I joined Run Fit Mama in a 30-day program called Royal Core. It's kicking my butt in a good way. I asked my chiropractor if I should consider a breast reduction, and he told me to consider instead being mindful of my posture for 30 days, and then we'll talk about it.

I re-examined the vitamins I'm taking and took out all the ones that were there to support breastfeeding.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0039UT7DE  Menopause vitamins

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09K1YVMZG  Magnesium deodorant

As of today, I've been taking the Menopause vitamins for a week. Unfortunately, it hasn't been an instant fix for all my symptoms. Besides sweatpants I'm living in jumpsuits. They're not as easy to use the restroom in, but they are extremely comfortable. All these things I can throw over running tights or bike shorts so that I can stay cozy all day at work, and throw in a workout midday if needed.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CGXVQKBT Muchpow Women's V Neck Sleeveless Jumpsuits Spaghetti Straps Harem Long Pants Overalls With Pockets (XX-Large)

$26.99 army green

$19.99 purple

I think I might be outgrowing my Latched Mama era, my Kindred Bravely era, as well as my LuLaRoe era. I don't need nursing bras anymore, but I'm not sure what my next era will be. Sports bras I guess?

Planning Your Racecation

Let's talk dollars and cents. We did not renew our Disneyland Magic Keys because I wanted to spend the equivalent amount of money on race registration fees instead.

• http://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2024/03/farewell-magic-key.html

I've written about the races so far in 2024

• Jan Disneyland 5k http://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2024/01/rundisney-debrief.html
• Mar LA Big 5k http://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2024/03/la-big-5k-2024-race-report.html
• May OC http://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2024/05/bike-month-and-month-of-mama.html
• Jun CdM 5k http://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2024/06/cdm-scenic-5k-2024-race-report.html
• Sept SMC 5k http://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2024/09/santa-monica-classic-race-report.html

Cost of each racecation:

• $1466 Disneyland (with two park days)
• $284 LA Big 5k (no hotel)
• $522 OC Marathon (without running the race)
• $640 CdM Scenic 5k
• $1063 SMC Classic 10k/5k (with no hotel)
• $3975 for the year, which is only half over

Why were these races so expensive if the registration fee was only $377 for the whole year? Well, that's because I included things like gas, parking, hotel, costumes, shoes, sports bras, and food. I got a little carried away preparing for the Santa Monica Classic, but it was my birthday month and I bought a whole bunch of sparkle stuff. It is a balancing act to allocate funding to:

1. Consumables (food, shoes, sports bras) which are temporary investments and need replacing 
2. Experiences (travel costs including hotel, gas, parking, race registration) ephemeral
3. Permanent items (race photos, clothing) could be useful, reusable or simply memorabilia
4. Memberships (squad and run club) which provide information and a sense of belonging

As we always say, everyone has hobbies. Some hobbies are more expensive than others. The two races I want to register for next are:

• Citrus Heritage Run (January 5, 2025) Half-marathon $97.68
• Palm Desert Half (February 16, 2025) Half-marathon $69.90

Maybe my reason for these two races is stupid. But there is a special challenge medal for doing three races in Riverside county and I'm already registered for one of them, which is in less than two weeks. Of course, since these events are so far away (distance-wise) we would need hotels along with them. The Citrus Heritage Run is cute because it's where we got married. And the Palm Desert run is of interest to me because I think Palm Springs in February will be delightful. I want to take my son to the Palm Springs Tram and go up the mountain to hike in the cable car. I think he'll get a kick out of it.

There is a concept in the running community of a "catered training run" that you're not just out there running 18 miles, but you're using one event as a training run for another event. And you don't have to do those miles alone, and you don't have to do those miles unsupported. I don't know if it's a formal term, but it does seem to permeate the runDisney community, ostensibly because while training for Dopey you need to run/walk a lot of miles, which gets boring.

In debriefing our previous racecations, we have done a reverse packing list, where I wrote out everything I brought and added items I should have brought. With the idea that we will eventually optimize the items that best support the racecation.

What we learned is that we should just always bring swimwear even if we think we won't use it. Bringing some kind of comfort item like a nightlight makes early bedtimes a breeze. We have to remember to bring vitamins, medications (prescription and over-the-counter), and electrolytes. A box of toys was a big hit for kiddo. I would love to write more but I have to get ready for class. So grateful it is nearly the halfway point in the semester. I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel already.

Third Time Covid

Life hands me lemons and sometimes I pout about it. 

My son came home from school with an upset tummy. He felt warm. It was only the second day of school. After he got home, he spiked a high fever which I didn't measure because he fell asleep on me while we were sitting on the couch. He woke up 2-3 hours later and I gave him chewable Tylenol because he was willing to eat graham crackers. He went straight to bed and slept the whole night through. The next morning, Wednesday, I brought him with me to a workout but he stayed in the wagon in the shade. Thursday, my husband and I felt a sore throat. It got worse quickly. My husband got a fever and came home halfway through the day. His fever spiked up to 104.5. My fever reached 101. We both tested positive for COVID-19 that afternoon but my "T" line was very faint while my husband's was super dark.

Unfortunately that meant my son stayed home Wed, Thu and Fri. His school policy was that the child had to be symptom free and have two negative COVID tests in a row separated by 24h, or else he would have to wear a mask for 10 days. The policy at CSUN is the same. My husband would have had to wear a mask until Aug 25th when he started to show symptoms on the 15th. So we took basically two weeks to quarantine. Thankfully, I had just done a big Costco run and our fridge was fully stocked. And I did send my son back to school for his second week of classes (Aug 19-23), since he did test negative on Saturday and Sunday.

And further, I was so put out. I had been telling myself all summer that things would be okay. I would send Albert to school on Monday, August 12th and I would have two weeks: M-F Aug 12-16 AND M-F Aug 19-23 to prep my classes in a quiet peaceful house. But no, instead I was taking care of two sick people and I didn't get any quiet alone time. Now the semester has started, it's the end of week 2, and I'm still scrambling to get organized and finding my way back to the preparation that I wished I had been able to do. I feel terrible about being disorganized. I'm terrified of losing some important piece of paper.

I guess it's a blessing in disguise because now I don't need to be immunized by a COVID-19 booster shot. Also, it was easy to recognize the virus by my symptoms since I had it twice before. And based on the recommendation from another mama, we used our telemedicine benefits and got a prescription for Paxlovid. We took it very strictly at 7pm and 7am for 5 days starting on Thursday night. It tasted terrible! Supposedly, it shortens your symptoms because it blocks replication of the virus. I'm not sure if it actually helped but at least it gave us the feeling that we were doing something proactive.

2.88	R 8/15
no miles	F 8/16
1.16	Sat 8/17
4.56	Sun 8/18
2	M 8/19
4	T 8/20
3	W 8/21
4.8	R 8/22
2	F 8/23
4.78	Sat 8/24
no miles	Sun 8/25

I guess we were feeling well enough to get a long walk in on Sunday 8/18. I was well enough Thursday morning 8/15 to do my "two mile Tuesday" run. The week of 8/19-8/23 we got at least 2 miles each day because it's 1 mile to my son's school from our house. The other days that we got more miles is because I went to my department meeting on Wednesday. And the other days Tues and Thurs, I wanted to do a longer loop and time it to see how long it took to go from Albert's school to my office, which is something I have to do every day now.

But I was definitely upset about losing that time. I also had to cancel an appointment with my chiropractor who was doing some important adjustments to my neck, which still need to happen sometime. It sucked having to push that off to another week. And then, to really suck more free time, there was the Labor Day long weekend. LAUSD has Friday 8/30 off and also Monday 9/2 so I didn't get my Monday work day at my desk here. I was home with my family, which was great. I'm not complaning about getting to spend time with my loved ones. BUT there were things that needed to get done that didn't and still haven't gotten done. 

I know, I'm sitting here writing this even though I could be working. But I wanted to capture these feelings and experiences before I forget.

2022 COVID 1st time https://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2022/08/july-2022-thoughts.html

2023 COVID 2nd time https://bitchonabike.blogspot.com/2023/09/covid-blues.html

women's history month

I am sitting here in office hours and before this I was staring at my reflection in the mirror and I was struck by how I don't look like a professor. I mean, when I think of a professor, I think of someone wearing a tweed suit with suede elbow patches in an imposing leather chair. But I'm wearing jeans, sneakers and a lularoe shirt. Partly because I live in California, and I don't think tweed is something that gets worn here ever due to the weather being so nice. But partly because the dress code here at CSUN isn't a thing. Some people dress like they just rolled out of a dumpster. Which is fine by me. 

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Pinterest thinks my fashion style is Dark Academia, which I didn't even know was a thing. But it is kind of how I picture a professor dressing.

When I worked at Claremont, I did wear clothing that could be classified as Dark Academia, but it was certainly more colorful than this. I don't wear muted colors very often.

I'm thinking about Women's History Month and the contributions of women to academia and STEM fields. I'm thinking about why more women don't want to enter academia or if they do, sometimes how they get pushed out. I'm thinking about my own biases and concepts of what a professor should look like and how it causes me to feel some cognitive dissonance when I AM a professor but my reflection in the mirror doesn't look like what I think a professor SHOULD look like. It's a mind trip!

I'm thinking of classism, sexism, racism, homophobia, and wage gaps. I'm thinking of how teachers are expected to make teaching their vocation, excluding any possibility of having a life outside of work. How we are expected to work all the time, making it difficult to balance raising a family and maintaining friendships.

https://www.cta.org/about-us/history

Expectations of society: You may not dress in bright colors, dye your hair, or wear short skirts. You must clean the schoolhouse. You can't leave town. You can't go on dates or go downtown. You have to go to bed early. You can not have a spouse. Yeah. I've read that teachers were once highly paid, but then someone got the great idea to let women do it, and the reason was that women would do more work for less pay than men.

I'm not even sure what the point of this blog post is, but I know I watched the movie "Nyad" last night and it was so powerful. She was so determined and didn't accept that she wasn't strong or young enough to do something that had never been done before. And she was willing to fail hugely before succeeding even though society wasn't very supportive of sponsoring someone her age.

I just have to remember that I AM MAKING HISTORY right now. By existing as a woman in STEM. By wearing bright colors as a teacher. By providing an alternative to the pale male and stale professor tropes for the next generation, to possibly see themselves in acadmia. Like Diana Nyad, I'm doing it.

New Semester, New Wardrobe

I had started making purchases for this semester before it started, so here's a list of what I bought in order of how much I love it and how much it has helped me.

Kelly Bag with matching Pumparoo $39 = new $160. This is a game-changer. I would say if you're thinking about getting a pumping bag but you don't know how long you'll be pumping, this one is awesome even for just going to work. The pump compartment is a cooler so I can put my lunch in there and not have to take a separate bag. Then when I get to work, I flatten that compartment and put all my work stuff in there and it all fits. Then at the end of the day, I put all my dirty dishes in the main compartment and it all fits. Amazing! If I were to change the design at all, I would love to have a chest clip and some reflective details, but I'll work on adding that stuff myself.

Simple Joys by Carter's Baby Everyday Diaper Backpack, I got this off Buy Nothing for Free = $50 new. This is my new fav diaper bag. I love how it clips on to the stroller. I love the wipes pocket on the side. It's a great park bag.

Signature by Levi Strauss & Co. Gold Label Women's Size Totally Shaping Pull-On Skinny Jeans
Levi's $111 for 4 pairs (size 20) definitely follow the size chart, do not go by what size Amazon recommends for you! I had to send the first pair back for a refund. So far I haven't put them in the dryer but husband did and it didn't seem to ruin it. The waistband wasn't exactly right, but it got into place once I put them on. I can't speak to durability at this point since it's only week 2 but I can say that I don't dread getting dressed in the morning. I throw on one of these and go.

Latched Mama Snuggle Up Nursing Sweatshirt 2x/3x $58. I am using this WAY more than I thought I would. I absolutely love it and so does Albert. I can put him in there either forward or rear facing. It's been colder than usual with some days in the 30s and I can wear him to school so he stays nice and warm and cozy and I don't have to worry about him freezing in the stroller.

I never regret anything I buy from Latched Mama. I'm already using the vest daily and I love it. I did get some holiday-specific stuff which I packed away until next year. I do feel like a crazy person for it, but also I get so many compliments on the snuggle-up.

I can't believe I almost forgot to write about these new shoes. I love them so much. I realized after a bit of shopping that it's better to know the number of this year's (latest) model and then shop specifically for last year's. That's how I found the Ghost 14 for the cheapest. The other two are "this year" models, but I couldn't find the previous year models in my size. They were sold out.

One of my colleagues asked me, "where are your crazy pants?" I guess I was becoming notorious for the LuLaRoe pants with wild prints. I don't mind, of course.

My workout pants that I love are
CRZ YOGA Women's Naked Feeling High Waisted Yoga Pants with Pockets Workout Leggings Camo - 25 Inches Camo Multi 16 25'' X-Large

They also make shorts
CRZ YOGA Women's Naked Feeling Long Biker Shorts - 10'' High Waist Workout Yoga Gym Running Spandex Shorts Side Pockets Stone-Washed Indigo X-Large

I have both 10" inseam and 8" inseam. I kind of like the shorter ones because they let my knees cool down. But both are great! People in my life keep complaining about their yoga pants and I can't say enough good things about these. I've had the pants for 2 years and I wash and dry them with all my other laundry (no special treatment) and they are so durable.

October 2022 thoughts

10/04 - I sat down with my boss today and told him I'd lost the joy that I once found in my job. There are some people who are resigning which creates some opportunities for lateral movement from faculty to staff. I am working too hard for too little pay with no real sick days or vacation days. I am a teeny bit sad when thinking about not teaching anymore. But also my kiddo is my primary concern now. If I can make the same income doing less work and less stressful work, why not make the switch if I can?

TLDR: now that I'm a parent, I have lost the spark I once had for my profession

10/10 - Milestone Monday - Kiddo loves stacking his wooden blocks. He makes a tower that is 10 blocks high. Then he shows me his "fist of power" before he knocks it down. He puts a cone-shaped block on top. Then lifts it up and puts another square block in the middle. Repeat. Repeat. He counts the blocks and if you ask him how many blocks there are, he will show you on his fingers. His finger counting is getting really good. Sometimes, he will head-butt the tower to knock it down. Then he needs a kiss on the forehead. I'm sure it doesn't really hurt but I don't mind giving kisses.

10/12 - Wondering Wednesday 

Me: conceived Marchling through IVF. Them: oh are you having another? I know someone who did IVF and then had two more naturally. Me: I'm 42. Them: so what? Marchling needs a sibling!

Me: kiddo is in Early Intervention for a speech delay. Them: I know someone who didn't talk until they were in preschool and they're fine now. Me: I know it isn't my fault but I feel like it is. I feel I failed as a mom.

Me: I am depressed and want to quit my job or make a major career change. Them: have you tried painting or watching standup comedy? It would be a waste of your talent to take a job that pays the same as you make now but with better benefits. Why not keep doing the job you have now because you're so good at it? You'll get bored of an easier job. Me: Don't I deserve easy?! Being a parent is hard enough.

I get so raw and vulnerable when it comes to sharing personal information and life choices. And I do feel this type of unsolicited advice is hurting my feelings. My spouse is also my coworker and he tells our colleagues everything we are going through because he is a talker. But then our colleagues come back at me with these anecdotes, which I assume they are sharing to try to be helpful. Am I being too sensitive? Sometimes I wish I could be less sensitive and just let it go. But here I am losing sleep over it while Marchling is asleep like an angel. I got 2 referrals to therapist/psychiatrist out of our insurance and the cost was like WOAH. Like annual passes to Disneyland for a family of 3. Yes that is my currency. Maybe I can treat my depression with many trips to Disneyland.

10/20 - Holy crap I can't believe this month is almost over. I feel like it was yesterday in September and I was like, "better grab a Halloween costume before they're all gone," and now it's like, "better book a hotel for Thanksgiving." We have stuff planned with the in-laws just about every other weekend from now until the end of the calendar year. Which on the one hand is good because LO hardly knows his grandparents who live just 2 hours drive away.

I'm praying this weekend goes better than our last visit with them in which they surprised LO with a slip and slide and inflatable pool but didn't tell any of us to bring swimsuits. Then LO didn't know how to do the slip and slide so I demonstrated IN MY CLOTHES and then had to sit around in my bra while my shirt was in the dryer. It was pretty hot that day, so it felt good to be soaked, but c'mon just let us know to bring a swim diaper for kiddo.

We're going apple picking, which I'm totally stoked about. I have a recipe for Hogwarts Pumpkin Juice (which is apple cider with pumpkin puree and spices in it). I made a costume for our cargo bicycle which I plan to debut on Sunday at a bike event. I got LO a bullhorn with a siren. He's really into rescue vehicles (ambulance, fire truck, police car, etc) and I know he's going to go crazy over the siren. I read the Amazon review which said it's really loud but I am hoping it will work OK for an outdoor cycling event. I may regret this deeply.

10/21 - Walking around with an empty stroller really throws people off. It shows how uncommon it is to do daycare dropoff without a car. If it were more common, I would not have to answer the question "where's the baby?" on a daily basis. I wish all our cities were more pedestrianized so that we wouldn't have to go to special places to walk safely. 2 weeks til daylight savings and while I appreciate the cooler temps, I miss the long days.

may 2021 thoughts

3 May: So are people stocking up on diapers? Are we expecting them to fly off the shelves in advance of the price hike? I needed motivation to reprogram my approach to cloth diapers, so maybe this is it.

We watched "Nursery University" a 2008 film about getting your toddler into preschool. It was eye-opening. I have a dream to send LO to the on campus child development lab when he's old enough, but with COVID I never put him on the wait list. I doubt they are open and don't know when they will reopen. 

I know our University will be continuing virtual instruction for Fall 2021 but I don't know my teaching schedule yet. A good friend with two younger kids might be moving in nearby soon. I don't know how she would feel about watching LO. It's so hard to plan!

LO is becoming an adventurous and successful eater. Thank goodness and adios purees. He's been a champion gainer, staying around average weight for his age, despite lots of spitting up, thanks to lots of on demand breastfeeding.

It's a lot of work to anticipate how much to offer and have it ready. My meal prep game is about to have another adjustment. I feel like LO is always screaming about one thing or another. He wants to do things he's not mastered yet. He needs my help and attention so often. His molars are shifting again. Is he also hungry?

LO is walking but not more than 7 steps or so. His determination is inspiring. He reaches out for things but does not point yet.

4 May: Scrolling instead of sleeping. Wishing I weren't so hungry. Can I sneak away for a snack?

5 May: Asleep at 8-9pm. Feeds at 10:30pm and 3am. Wake & feed at 5:30am then back asleep until 7:30am. That's a typical night around here.

6 May: I'm also at a loss. We were using flour sack towels with covers and I am looking to switch to maybe prefolds? I have a set of fitteds and a set of pockets and some AIOs but I'm worried about rash from non-cotton fabric and/or leaks/blowouts. Just trying to make it to summer break where I'll have more time to experiment and heat to air-dry things.

Went to IKEA today with LO for the first time. We only made it 25% of the way through the showroom then took a shortcut to the family restroom. Washed hands. Ate in the cafeteria. LO enjoyed salmon, meatballs, broccoli, carrots, lingonberries, mac & cheese, garlic bread. He was so good. It was our first indoor dining. The tables were really spread out and they cleaned everything a lot between customers. We had to leave a phone number, for contact tracing? There were table numbers and assigned seats. It was daytime on a weekday (off peak) so not crowded at all. It wasn't normal. No coffee bar. But it was really nice.

7 May: Sometimes I wish I were still pumping. It's pretty satisfying to see the milk. It was great to have DH do some of the feeding. Good for you for investing in your comfort and success. I was just thinking about getting new running shoes. But I was like, "I'm not a runner." But then I was like, "I might get back into running if I had better shoes." So that's kinda the same, right? I think your story just convinced me to get new running shoes.

Edit to add: I fantasize about going back to EP especially when LO is going through a biting phase, like he is now. But last we checked (which was 9 months ago) LO wouldn't take a bottle. Do you use cups now? I'm kinda scared to put breastmilk in a straw cup because won't it be hard to clean? Also my LO throws everything on the floor. Not a big deal with water.

I am so thirsty like I was right when my milk first came in. LO is chewing my nipples and it is so exhausting with the hair pulling, scratching, screaming and tantrums. 

Watched "The Incredibles" on Disney+ and totally cried at how the mom was so protective of her children. She literally threw herself between the kids and danger over and over again throughout the movie. I get it now.

Put LO in the kitchen helper a.k.a. learning tower. He almost fell out the back but caught himself with his hands on the siderails. It was exciting. But scary.

Bought two used nursing tops sight unseen that were listed as XL-XXL and they fit VERY tight. That put me in a tailspin of body image demons. I guess it's my fault for buying used and not shopping based on my measurements.

Thanks to someone in the Facebook group who posted [this podcast](https://slate.com/podcasts/mom-and-dad-are-fighting/2021/05/slates-parenting-podcast-bickering-grandparents). It was so soothing to hear our experience described like that. Really put into words some of the angst I've been feeling.

8 May: I gotta say nothing trips my mom rage circuit like DH saying "you look tired" to LO less than 1 hour after a nap. It's so frustrating to listen to DH try to get LO to sleep when LO isn't tired. I want to slap DH and say, "the baby's not tired, you're tired, and so am I, but one of us needs to watch LO until he is *actually* tired." But I don't say that.

My aunt came over this morning for 2.5 hours. It was so short. I feel worse than before. But at least DH cleaned the bathroom before our guest arrived. I gotta say we clean less often when nobody ever comes over. So now I'm back to being stressed and depressed but in a clean house.

I guess I'm sad because it was so short. Like what we need is real help. But this was a really quick show & tell. We were on our best behavior. 

This aunt promised pre-COVID to come down, stay with us, cook for us, for like a 2 week period. I love my aunt, more like a sister and I so desperately wanted that time with her. 

Today's visit felt like eating a single green pea when I wanted a 3-course meal. It's the last week of the semester. I have so much work to do. I could use help. Now. But for lots of reasons, she's not available and she gave us all that she could.

I'm just mourning what COVID took from us (again).

10 May: We are nodding our head YES now. So cute. No was one of our first words. There has been lots of NO. But it seems "affirmative" is coming online now. Mandarins, yes! Favorite toys, yes! Mommy figures out what I wanted her to do and she does it, YES!

12 May: Got all happy because our campus offered a Zoom class for toddlers age 1.10 years and up. Guaranteed a spot in on-campus day care when things open back up. Emailed them to join. Found out that 1.10 means 1 year 10 months. Not 1 year + 36.5 days. Oops my bad.

14 May: Yesterday was...a day. I teach 3 classes at the University. I would prefer to teach 0 classes and SAHM but my husband does the finances and says I should keep working. Somehow he doesn't remember that there are other duties involved in teaching that aren't actual lecturing like writing exams and grading student work.

I wanted to finish writing an exam to share with students on Thursday morning. The computer I use for zoom teaching and all WFH is corralled inside a double super play yard gate so I don't have to watch LO constantly and I can work while he plays when it's just the two of us. So Wednesday evening DH thought it would be the perfect time to take down the play yard and let LO have full access to the kitchen, dining room, and living room. I had a bit of a meltdown and asked him to put it back.

Thursday DH agrees to call off work to watch LO while I finish up writing  the exam. It's so hard to write exams now that students can Google everything. I have to be even more creative than before and Google everything myself to make sure the questions are unique. I have the test workout and multiple choice so I have to come up with 4-5 wrong answers for each question. DH seems to think it should only take an hour and we got into a pretty big standoff yesterday. 

It ended up with me raising my voice and saying, "if you want me to continue working, you have to give me time to do actual work." Taking the baby during my lectures is the absolute minimum. There is lots to be done before and after class. I have been squeaking by but sometimes when it comes to a task that needs my full attention, I just can't have the baby nearby.

Things got better after I made that comment. DH began to see it from my perspective. Don't know yet what we're going to do when Fall classes resume. It seems things are starting to open up. Our university has changed more classes from virtual to in-person just in the last week. I shared my embarrassing blunder with the on-campus childcare program earlier this week, so now I know that's not an option until Spring 2022. 

DH is staff and he's been "on call' since the start of lockdown. Our boss has demanded that staff resume their usual full-time in-person hours in fall so I guess we will come up with a solution by then. Looking forward to a summer of less stress.

I am not the best at being transparent with my time needs. I could do better at asking and telling. Having a baby certainly exposes these things.

LO calls the dog, Edna, by the sound "Naah." It's real. They share ALL meals.

LO wakes up crying at night or from a nap. Sometimes he whimpers in his sleep. I always blame the teeth.

16 May: This weekend was very healing. I feel like I just came up for air after having been under water near drowning since about mid-February. I was scrolling through my photos and it seems like Valentine's day was ages ago. It seems like I have been struggling ever since then. 

I don't know if my kid is going to keep getting cuter. If so, I don't think my heart can handle it. When I go back and look at pictures from a year or 11 months ago, that baby was cute and he is definitely the same person I know today, but he is so much more adorable now. I am so grateful I survived the semester and I can spend my time more unscheduled for the summer. 

I do have some goals, like to keep doing meal planning and prepping. To keep up with my fitness and playdates, whether virtual or in person. I hope I can complete some sewing projects. Switch up my cloth diaper routine. Raise some vegetables in the garden. Bicycling, hiking, running, swimming with LO. Visit the zoo. Visit the beach. Maybe read a book?

For the CD reprogram, I was using FSTs and covers with Velcro. But I think I want to switch to pockets with snaps? Last time I tried using pockets, the synthetic fiber caused a rash. But I've had the genius idea to use the cotton burp cloths as a protective layer closest to LO's skin. The Velcro was starting to pop loose due to LO's increased mobility?

18 May: Gifting some music boxes from my godparents to others in my community through Buy Nothing. These gifts have so much negative karma attached. It makes me feel toxic just thinking about it. Every year on my birthday, my wealthy godparents would gift me an impractical, fragile, not-for-kids music box made of porcelain. I had a floating shelf in my bedroom at my parents house that would display these 'treasures.' As you can imagine, each year the merchandise got heavier and heavier. One year, in the middle of the night after my birthday, the shelf fell off the wall. All the music boxes fell down on me and rolled on to the floor and broke. My mom, who was routinely verbally abusive, started yelling and crying, sobbing and clawing at me. She stayed up all night gluing those figurines back together. She blamed me for the shelf falling down. I was maybe 12 or 13 years old. I didn't know how the shelf was mounted.

Fast forward to now. My mom came out for LO's 1st bday. My sister has a baby 7 months younger than my LO so I send her all our hand-me-downs. My mom brought a suitcase for this purpose. Instead of bringing it out empty, she filled it with all these freaking broken @$$ music boxes and left them here when she went back home.

When I look at them, all I can remember is feeling shame. Also, how much I hated being a "girly-girl." They are all like ballerinas and pink and princesses and one plays the song "someday my prince will come." I understand that it's Disney and some people love that, but I was a very tomboyish girl. I went out on my own at age 18 and didn't meet my husband until I was 26. I don't subscribe to the idea of being rescued. I hate the way our society genders kids and starts piling on expectations. Pink = girl. Blegh. 

Anyway I am getting rid of them and hopefully that bad karma too. Family heirlooms are so fraught with conflict. My mom kept them because she somehow thought I could sell them for money since they came from my wealthy godparents. But they aren't worth much. I will be glad to see them go. I had to share this somewhere because I don't want to attach this story to the objects when I pass them on.

23 May: It's finally the end of the semester. Ran a 5k today with LO in the jogging stroller and hubs running alongside. My fellow fit4moms were chatting afterwards and our group leader told me about one of her acquaintances who committed suicide leaving behind a 7 month old and another older child.

She said that it's why she keeps the group going, so that it is there for new moms who may or may not be struggling. I definitely logged on every day when I was not working to see other humans (moms and kiddos) and maintain sanity. She said that when you think you're the only one going through a tough time with LO or DH, it can be a struggle. Even if you don't share what you're going through, it's good to hear that you're not alone.

So I wanted to share that with this group too. It's great that we can all give product recommendations and talk about milestones. But also, I appreciate just checking in every day and seeing that there are other moms out there doing their thing, whatever it is. Love you all.

25 May: DH and I have different boundaries in mind for LO. I prefer to childproof to the extent that the entire house is a 'yes' space. DH is less comfortable allowing LO to get into things and make a mess. I don't know what we're going to do to get on the same page.

Our LO is obsessed with trash cans at the moment. Yesterday we found our shoes hidden inside the (thankfully clean and empty) cloth diaper receptacle. Now I have to watch to make sure good stuff doesn't accidentally end up in the bin.

27 May: Excuse me while I have all the feels about gifting our foam floor tiles (which I hate) and our pop up jumper (which I love) that our LO has outgrown. I felt like this about the swing when he outgrew that too. 😭😭😭

I kinda feel like the padding was more helpful for MY knees while playing on the floor. As soon as we opened up the baby gates, LO was falling all over the fake-wood laminate and he's fine. I'm still pretty hesitant about our concrete patio but I'm gonna put down a [extra large single piece ](https://www.walmart.com/ip/Babies-Play-mat-playmat-Baby-mat-Folding-Extra-Large-Thick-Foam-Crawling-playmats-Reversible-Waterproof-Portable-playmat-for-Babies/801451846) mat.

28 May: Tried our first applesauce pouch last weekend. It was a hit. Ordered reusable pouches and they arrived yesterday. LO enjoyed applesauce from the pouch last night at dinner. This is a big relief because mealtime was so stressful. LO no longer allows us to spoon feed him. He wants to be independent. Sometimes he will take a loaded fork but not always. Now I have a way to help him enjoy purees and yogurt and stuff like that again.

30 May: We took our LO on public transportation for the first time yesterday as a test run for a cross-country plane ride maybe sometime this summer. Here's what we packed: Umbrella stroller, Yoga mat strap, Cotopaxi backpack, Pouch with fruit, Peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, Water, Hats, Sunscreen, Long-sleeved shirts, Diapers, Wipes, Changing pad, Change of clothes for LO, infant Tylenol, 4 toys (2 soft, 2 wristlets), Phone charger. We used everything we brought.

We parked our car at the train station around 9am. LO was in the Ergo carrier. Bought our tickets and waited about 10 minutes to board. DH carried the stroller and backpack. LO was awake, alert and quiet on the train. I wore him as we made our transfer to a bus. He ate and slept on the 40 min ride. After we got off the bus, LO went in the stroller and we adults ate some takeaway food. This was around 11am.

We visited with my cousin at his apartment for 3 hours. I drank about 2 Liters of water and chased LO around. LO drank some water, ate some fruit puree from a pouch and we did 2 diaper changes. We left around 2pm. LO was getting pretty fussy. I put him back in the Ergo. We waited a bit for the bus. LO ate and slept again on the bus ride.

We arrived at the subway around 3pm. We could've taken a short subway ride and a long bus ride and got back to the car by 4:30 OR take a long subway ride and wait a bit then a faster train and get back to the car at 5pm. We chose option 2 because of restroom availability. LO snuggled with me in the carrier on the long subway ride.

We used the restroom and ate our sandwiches at the train station. None of the restaurants are open. We boarded the train a bit early and our BIG MISTAKE was that we let LO walk a bit while the train was not moving. It was hard to get him to settle back down once we were moving. Thankfully we put Cocomelon on the YouTube on my phone and that settled him back down until we got back to our car.

Apologies for the long post, but I wanted to share these insights for my future self and anyone who is flying with their LO soon. I was impressed with how happy LO was to be in the carrier for so many hours. It felt great also to have him in the stroller when my shoulders and back needed a break. 

I'm glad we brought our lightweight stroller for easy maneuverability. Some of the sidewalks had ADA violations, like poles in the middle of the sidewalk, so it was great to have a narrow footprint. I hung the carrier on the handlebars of the umbrella stroller and that was handy. At other times, I wore the backpack with the carrier over it on my back and that was fine too. It was nice to have a carrier with a zip pocket to easily and securely store my wallet, phone, tickets and one little toy.

31 May: We clap now.

DH was off work today so he was "watching" LO while I did a Zoom workout. Naturally LO was dressed in a Memorial Day outfit: red, white and blue. Usually I keep a close eye on LO or wear him during my workouts because DH is usually at work. Today dad was in charge.

About 20 minutes into the workout, I hear crying. According to DH, the kiddo had jammed his face into his learning tower. Was dad watching? Don't know. Blood is pouring out of LO's mouth. All over the red & white shirt. I am so angry. Not about the shirt but because I feel like I chase LO around ALL. THE. TIME. DH is more casual and scrolls on his phone a lot. I feel like I've lost trust in DH. And I'm scared LO ripped his upper lip and what if he won't eat today.

I am so tired of being the one who keeps track of when it's time for LO to eat, what should he eat, do we have enough of that food, etc. It's not that complicated. 8am, noon, 5pm are meals. There are suggestions on the fridge for what to feed. It's like DH has no concept of time when it comes to this.

DH was pretty offended when I got upset. He said... wait until LO gets hurt or is bleeding while you're watching him. I am very hovery. I mean I hover around and redirect a lot. It's exhausting but I can't stand seeing LO hurt. And what if he can't eat now for a while? I have to calm down and forgive but I'm struggling.

The other day I proposed a schedule like "I will supervise LO between the hours of X and Y, if you supervise LO during the hours of A and B." DH became very defensive and said that parenting is 50/50 and we can both be responsible for watching LO all the time. I guess we have different definitions of "watching" so maybe that's what we need to discuss. Gahhh!!!