Moving On

It's hard to move on from such a disappointing election outcome, but c'est la vie. It didn't come as a surprise. I took a mental health day on Wednesday and then cried my way through the day on Thursday at work. I wrote up a special rant during kiddo's nap that I don't mind sharing here. If I had a daughter, this is what I would let her know.

Oh, how I wanted to be a man. If you can't beat them, join them. But they don't want to let you in the club. You're not welcome. You're not one of them, the good guys, the old boys club.

Being born a woman was a series of disappointments. You'll never be as tall, fast, strong, smart, capable, free as a man. And by the way, you'll get hips and breasts in a very painful adolescent transformation. And you'll be bleeding one-quarter of each month. And you'll have to pay for those tampons. No, men don't have to go through this. And you'll be responsible if you get pregnant, so you'll have to pay for birth control, which may ruin your chances of conceiving later on in life when you're ready to get pregnant. Without information on these long-term side effects, you'll have to make these choices alone at age 15. After taking this form of injectable birth control so you wouldn't forget to take it and accidentally get pregnant for 11 years, you'll be told that no person is meant to be on it for that long and certainly not for 10 years.

Then, when you are married, and you can't wait a moment longer to get pregnant because your eggs are nearly all rotten, you'll bear the guilt of infertility. You'll AGAIN take all the hormones to produce a final clutch of eggs. You'll take methylprednisolone, which will make you feel crazy. You will relate to American Horror Story - Delicate, except without the power of witchcraft. You'll be a pincushion for months. You'll put in messy suppositories. You'll take pills, too. Your child's father will have to make absolutely no lifestyle changes. You'll look back on the last decade of trying to conceive as a failure on your part, God's way of punishing you for being a bad person and undeserving of motherhood.

Then pregnancy! Your partner will never understand what it feels like to be literally connected to the fetus. Your breasts will undergo another painful transformation. While puberty makes you a target of the male gaze, pregnancy is a leveling up from maidenhood to matron. You are no longer of aesthetic value to society. Your girlhood is spent, and you no longer have the power of allure.

You will turn inward. You will be responsible for paying for the prenatal vitamins. You may have to manage extreme hyperemesis gravidarum during pregnancy. You may get gestational diabetes. You may have to work right up until your due date. You might have to go back to work right after delivering the baby. There are so many shitty parts of pregnancy, it's all your burden to bear. Men will never understand.

Then you'll deliver. You'll have to learn how to breastfeed. You'll fall off of a hormone cliff that nobody warns you about. You'll be in more pain than ever in your life. Nobody will explain anything to you. You'll be alone with your pain and confusion, postpartum anxiety, and intrusive thoughts. Nobody will follow up with you. There will be no assistance in healing your body despite being cut 7 ways to Sunday, from hip to hip.

You'll learn too late that there were things you should have been doing in the two months after your C-section that would have prevented scar tissue. But nobody told you about that, and anyway, you will be too afraid to touch or look at your scar because it reminds you that you weren't able to give birth vaginally because male surgeons are in a hurry to cut. Hospitals only let you labor for 24 hours, even though birth can take much longer. You'll work on strengthing your pelvic floor with so many Kegels before delivery and then learn after the fact that you should have been thinking instead of being flexible instead of strong. You will have high levels of relaxin circulating for 1000 days, or however long you breastfeed or however long it takes for your period to return, but that's different for every woman, and you have no control over that. You may be encouraged by friends to see a pelvic floor PT, but you won't be encouraged to do so by your doctor, so you will be uncertain whether it's covered by your insurance.

Then, the pressure to be a good mom will descend on you and weigh you down for the foreseeable future. Everything wrong with your child will be blamed on you and not the child's father. Every time your child does not fit the norm, you'll be shamed if you don't immediately make it your foremost project to fix. Your colleagues will think you are unprepared while you exist in the fog of mombrain. You will search for the right words, which will elude you, while your newfound sense of superhearing and empathy will remain underrated. Your career will stall. Your male colleagues will think, she used to be so sharp; what a shame, she really let herself go. You'll hear phantom crying, even when your baby is only 2 feet away from you on the other side of the shower curtain. You'll have the strangest night sweats, engorgement, cravings for bacon and chocolate, and the worst body odor of your life. After 7 months, your hair will randomly start falling out.

Then, after adjusting to the demands of breastfeeding and nightmares and teething and toddler tantrums and potty training and picky eating and learning to read and self-feed and self-dress, finally, the little person doesn't need you as much anymore, which is kind of a heartbreak in itself, then you arrive at perimenopause. You'll take supplements you would have never considered before. It's not like you are trying to be eternally youthful. You're just trying to get through the day and night with less pain and suffering. You take pills to address clogged milk ducts, muscle repair, milk supply, mood, bone density, hair, teeth, nails, connective tissue, and cartilage. Should you be taking more? Less? Who knows? Because there are no studies on women. There are not enough women who engage in extended breastfeeding in their 40s. Your menstruation is not well understood, nor is the transition to that third life era -- crone. And the responsibility of knowing about it and doing the right thing, taking hormones or not, is All on you. Your husband will not know anything about it, nor will your doctor. 4 out of 5 professionals will tell you that you are just depressed. The one that takes you seriously will ask for an exorbitant fee to even begin to help you put the pieces back together again. Your insurance won't cover it. Again, the financial responsibilities will be all up to you.

And by the way, you'll be paid less than your male colleagues. And men will get jobs they're underqualified for. Their competence will be accepted with a handshake while you run uphill to prove yourself even though you'll never be considered good or worthy.

I feel so sad and powerless. I was so hoping that one woman could step into her power today. That I might be able to say, as a woman, is that I am equally likely to become president or CEO or tenured professor or marathon finisher. Thank God I still have my running to keep me sane. I can just keep my head down and keep falling forward. I can make my home a happy and safe one. Will there be a women's march again? Will there be a march for science? Will there be a resurgence of black lives matter? What good did those marches do last time? When will we ever have representation that understands what women go through? I don't care if you're a brother, husband or father. You will never know what it's like to walk a mile in our shoes. Sharing this for the daughter I'll never have. I don't know what it is about this election defeat that is causing me to live the entirety of my trauma again. Maybe it has something to do with being grabbed in the pussy -- AGAIN.

  

A few sentiments that I've heard:

(1) She wasn't qualified. As if she hadn't just served as vice president for four years. And (nearly) every man elected president was someone's VP first—just look at my previous post. What more did she need to do?

(2) Men and women are reacting to the MeToo movement. They're tired of women calling them out for their bad behavior. They're tired of being politically correct. They don't understand trans people and don't want to. Gender pronouns? We don't know them. This is the empire striking back. But it's important to remember that a woman's place is in the resistance. I may have to rewatch that franchise to see how it ends.

(3) But is your life better now than 4-years ago, as if the last Trump presidency was a walk in the park. Everyone I know refers to 2020 as a "dumpster fire." It wasn't Biden and Harris that mishandled the pandemic so poorly. The insurrection of January 6th happened in 2021. So you can't blame the dumpster fire on Biden and Harris. That rests squarely on the shoulders of #45.

Also, Today marks 1700 days of breastfeeding. Nobody tells you it might go on this long, and there's no tutorial guide for stopping without causing more problems. And it's not all bad being a woman. There are some good parts. Fit4mom has been everything. My mom friends are a bright spot in the darkness right now. I'm going to attend Friendsgiving this weekend.

women's history month

I am sitting here in office hours and before this I was staring at my reflection in the mirror and I was struck by how I don't look like a professor. I mean, when I think of a professor, I think of someone wearing a tweed suit with suede elbow patches in an imposing leather chair. But I'm wearing jeans, sneakers and a lularoe shirt. Partly because I live in California, and I don't think tweed is something that gets worn here ever due to the weather being so nice. But partly because the dress code here at CSUN isn't a thing. Some people dress like they just rolled out of a dumpster. Which is fine by me. 

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Kayla Kaiser (@hamerk02)

Pinterest thinks my fashion style is Dark Academia, which I didn't even know was a thing. But it is kind of how I picture a professor dressing.

When I worked at Claremont, I did wear clothing that could be classified as Dark Academia, but it was certainly more colorful than this. I don't wear muted colors very often.

I'm thinking about Women's History Month and the contributions of women to academia and STEM fields. I'm thinking about why more women don't want to enter academia or if they do, sometimes how they get pushed out. I'm thinking about my own biases and concepts of what a professor should look like and how it causes me to feel some cognitive dissonance when I AM a professor but my reflection in the mirror doesn't look like what I think a professor SHOULD look like. It's a mind trip!

I'm thinking of classism, sexism, racism, homophobia, and wage gaps. I'm thinking of how teachers are expected to make teaching their vocation, excluding any possibility of having a life outside of work. How we are expected to work all the time, making it difficult to balance raising a family and maintaining friendships.

https://www.cta.org/about-us/history

Expectations of society: You may not dress in bright colors, dye your hair, or wear short skirts. You must clean the schoolhouse. You can't leave town. You can't go on dates or go downtown. You have to go to bed early. You can not have a spouse. Yeah. I've read that teachers were once highly paid, but then someone got the great idea to let women do it, and the reason was that women would do more work for less pay than men.

I'm not even sure what the point of this blog post is, but I know I watched the movie "Nyad" last night and it was so powerful. She was so determined and didn't accept that she wasn't strong or young enough to do something that had never been done before. And she was willing to fail hugely before succeeding even though society wasn't very supportive of sponsoring someone her age.

I just have to remember that I AM MAKING HISTORY right now. By existing as a woman in STEM. By wearing bright colors as a teacher. By providing an alternative to the pale male and stale professor tropes for the next generation, to possibly see themselves in acadmia. Like Diana Nyad, I'm doing it.

May 2022 Thoughts

5/9 - I am having the WORST anxiety today. Thank goodness for deodorant and the Calm app. I just wanted to stay home with kiddo today. 1 week until school is over and we go to Disneyland.

5/13 - My sister is 7 weeks postpartum and I'm glad I got her a Mother's Day / birthday gift. 

5/14 - Got in the car today and it was mega stinky. Found some horrible goo in the cup holder of LO's carseat that got smeared everywhere. Smelled like vomit. Took the carseat apart and washed the pads. It was stressful putting it back together but I think it's all right now.

Had to take the bus to LO's first swim lesson which was actually pretty fun. So it all worked out but nap schedule was upset. Had to do baby spa time this evening to moisturize after the swimming pool. We don't routinely use lotion but kiddo was reaching inside his diaper and looking very uncomfortable.

Got an extra large patio umbrella in anticipation of outdoor time this summer. Heading to Disneyland on Monday. Packing and meal prepping tomorrow. Feeling optimistic about the end of the semester. Booked a spa day for DH and myself on LO's last day of daycare for the semester.

Selling on the consignment sale this time instead of buying. Want to reorganize a bit and declutter. With LO getting taller and using a chair to climb up higher, there are fewer and fewer safe places for junk to pile up.

5/18 - Our trip to Disneyland went awesome. If you want to read more, I wrote a detailed debrief here: http://bikecar101.blogspot.com/2022/05/metrolink-to-disneyland.html Kiddo was so good on the trains and buses. Now I feel more confident in planning for our 4 hour plane trip in July.

5/19 - Sometimes I feel like I spend my whole life refilling things.

5/21 - Sold some stuff at the consignment sale instead of buying. Volunteered to check and bag orders. It was humbling. Bagging was such hard work. Close quarters. Lonely. Heavy lifting. Sitting on the dirty floor. Bending over a low table. Honestly I have so much more respect for how it all works. My sales were $15 higher by doing a 3 hour volunteer shift. I sold 15 items for a take-home of $208. We have more room in our garage by getting rid of stuff. 

Now I have to list and move the remaining items that didn't sell via Buy Nothing. I am so grateful to the volunteers who have sorted and bagged my previous orders. I've shopped 8 consignment sales virtually. Before that it was pre-pandemic and I was still pregnant. On one hand it's amazing how we've all adapted to survive quarantine. But on the other hand, we missed out on so much.

LO had his 2nd swim lesson which he cried through the entire 30 minutes. But when I asked if he was ready to get dunked, he would say "yeah." I'm so in love with his determination.

We were given the recommendation from daycare to get kiddo assessed for speech therapy. I can't help but wonder if his speech delays are anything to do with COVID isolation. I don't want to admit that we need help. As an educator, I feel like I've failed. And also I just started watching Game of Thrones and *spoiler* on Season 1 Episode 5 there is a woman breastfeeding an 8 year old. I worry that my son doesn't talk because I try so often to keep him calm and quiet by breastfeeding.

The Latched Mama podcast had a story about picky eating and they mentioned that pandemic babies don't know how to behave in a restaurant and we are no exception. Some former students took us out for Korean BBQ. Granted they wanted to start eating at 7pm (LO's bedtime) and we didn't get a babysitter because of the pandemic we don't have one. Kiddo was a mess during the meal and we had to run out at 8:30 because it was such a shitshow. Huh. Whatayagonnado? Sorry this was such a ramble. Thanks for reading.

5/23 - Milestone Monday. Cute phrases like "I did it." And "thank you." The language is getting easier to understand. 

So helpful at the grocery store. Closes open doors. Climbs in and out of carseat in minivan. 

Fetches things by name. Will deliver food to parents. Will agree to diaper changes if wet.

5/25 - Kinda sad. Had a "pinning ceremony" on Zoom today. It was so anticlimactic. But it was fitting for the end of a hard year where we transitioned back to in-person instruction mid-Spring semester. All the Deans and Vice Provost were there but I couldn't see them since I was zooming from my phone. I was breastfeeding and babywearing during the ceremony and it just felt like the extension of what we survived during WFH and the maternity leave during a pandemic. The head of faculty development brought me to tears by saying outloud that the antiracist work we are doing matters and is one way we can keep the university a safe place to learn.  

LO was running a fever but I didn't realize it because our Air Conditioner was broken and I thought he was just hot. After the AC got fixed, during the Zoom ceremony, two grown men saw me all tits out behind the camera,  I took kiddo's temp and it was 100 deg F. This caused me to be a no-show at My Gym and it was supposed to be our first class and we have 2 weeks unlimited but now the dude is sick. 

Had a solo night out at the roller rink to celebrate this anticlimactic ceremony. It was good. The CSUN Oasis Wellness Center has some suggestions to unwind at the end of the semester. One of them was "soul date" which I Googled and turned up no hits. Maybe they meant solo. But I think Rainbow night at Moonlight is definitely a soul date.

5/28 - Kiddo threw up in the carseat today. So scary. I hate when he's behind me and I can't tell if he's breathing. Canceled swim lesson. 

On the bright side, now we are home to set out items for Buy Nothing to clear out the garage. Heading to Disney California Adventure on Tuesday. Hope kiddo is feeling better by then.

Another lingering effect of COVID... We still have to make reservations for things that used to not require reservations. For example annual pass holders for the LA Zoo still have to have BOTH a ticket and a reservation. On one hand, it's a blessing because it (maybe) limits the crowds. But on the other hand, it's just one more thing mommy's gotta do to get out of the house.

Nice Backpack

I've recently received compliments on my cute backpack. Little did they know that inside my bag is a breast pump and everything I need to remove milk from my body without my baby latching on.

@hamerk02 Pumping Essentials @sarahwellsbags @cereschillofficial @ctorganics @gothinkco #pumpingmom #workingmom #breastfeedingmom ♬ original sound - Kayla A. Kaiser

I've recorded a tour of the bag I got complimented on (above). It's a "Marie" bag from Sarah Wells. It's taken me 3 weeks to assemble everything I actually like using and remove everything that I don't like using. The bag I use more frequently (below) was given to me by my good friend. She included a TON of different size flanges, which was so helpful. It seems like only through trial-and-error is it possible to find the most comfortable pumping setup. I am passing on all the ones that didn't work for me. My sister already had a Medela pump and a Spectra pump, but I don't think she has a pumping bag.

@hamerk02 Pumping Pro Tips @medela_official @pumpin.vn @legendairy_milk @ctorganics #motnpump #workingmom #pumpingmom #breastfeedingmom ♬ original sound - Kayla A. Kaiser

I actually scored an "Annie" bag from Sarah Wells on the recent LA Kids Consignment and it had two PumpEase bras in it. I'm so excited to share it with my sister. It should be arriving today.

Sarah Wells is a brand that I found out about on social media. For exclusive pumping moms, it seems like the ONLY brand that is recommended. Of course, yes, you could just use a regular bag but then this one is designed to suit the needs of a pumping mom. I thought it might be damaging for the pump to be transporting it back-and-forth. So much I worried about it, that I never even got the pump out to use it ever until returning to work recently. It was just so intimidating!

I feel like these cushy side pockets will protect the pump so it won't be damaged. I love the sleeves for photos. I love the realness of these pictures too how this mama just took a photo of the bag on her messy desk. Clearly a woman who works!

I love how there are moms out there looking for products that don't exist and then inventing them like Sarah Wells and Lisa Myers, the inventor of Ceres Chill. Anything that eases the stress of returning to work while balancing the desire to continue feeding your child is so valuable.

I love how the bag has different zippered pockets and the whole thing closes. There's a shoulder strap. Of course, for me, I prefer a backpack style. I was super tempted to keep this bag but seriously I bought it for my sister. I would think that after you no longer need a pumping bag, you could take a bag like this to the zoo or a museum. The insulated pockets would work well for bringing your own food. Recently, we went to the Discovery Cube Los Angeles and even though they have a cafe, it's not open. So you do need to bring your own food if you plan to stay longer than 2 hours.

I'm tagging this post sustainability because I want to say how feeding my son pumped breastmilk prevents having to tax the supply chain of dairy cows. It cuts the transportation cost of cow's milk. It's local. It's customized for my son's needs nutritionally. I'm taking a lot of criticism from people around me right now for continuing to feed my kid breastmilk as he approaches his 2nd birthday.

I'm also tagging it sustainability because I snagged two Ceres Chillers used AND I snagged both Sarah Wells bags used. Thereby closing the loop and reusing things that would maybe have ended up in a landfill. Do I love going every 3 hours to pump? No. Do I love coming back to my office and scalding the milk and washing and sterilizing the pump parts? No. Do I love seeing my son not drink the pumped milk I bring home for him? No. But I am committed to continuing to breastfeed until he is 2 years of age. And I'm hoping to make it through the summer (not teaching).

October 2021 Thoughts

Oct 1: DH and I are both so tired we're fighting over LO's night wake-ups. It's got me Googling COVID symptoms timeline because we both woke up with massive headaches. I have been nauseous yesterday & today. I am tired but have no loss of smell or taste. My employer pays for weekly testing so I will swab today. I am hoping it's just an emotional hangover from a tough week. I have a coworker who is bullying me and I finally let my boss know. LO is teething so bad.

Oct 3: Ordered pre-made food for the week instead of cooking. Portioned it out to be grab-and-go. DH got his first haircut at a barbershop since the start of the pandemic, so I didn't have to cut it. Got a new soother toy for LO that I really like. Did a meditation on Friday to ocean sounds and it really helped me get centered. Have a good routine now of working Tues, Wed and Thurs and not working Fri, Sat, Sun, and Mon. Meaning 4 days / week of fitness and naps and letting LO do whatever he wants. And 3 days / week of discipline and structure for LO.

Oct 4: I had a nightmare about tripping over toys. Like there was so much colorful plastic clutter that I couldn't walk through my house. In the dream. When I woke up, it wasn't that bad, but maybe it's my brain telling me to purge more baby toys. Like anything that says up to 18m is going out the door.

I'm very analytical about which toys to keep. I have a list of the toys and their age / height / weight limit. When LO is too old, too big or too heavy, I put the toy on Buy Nothing or send it to my younger sisters who have kids younger than LO. I am having a harder time with clothes because he didn't even wear some of them and the shorts and t-shirts mostly still fit but winter is coming and I'm not sure if 2T will fit next summer.

Oct 13: Why when my husband is mad at me does he punish me by helping out less? While when I get mad at him, I punish him by telling him, "I don't need your help, I can do everything without you."

We should be coming together and offering each other MORE help when we're stressed. Why do we pull away from each other under stress?

Sorry this is a late post but I was wondering it earlier in the week and then I couldn't remember it long enough to post it, but then I remembered it again while talking to my mom this morning.

For example, every time I ask for more help DH gets defensive and starts helping less so I can feel what he is doing to help and see how it feels when he stops helping. But when I'm upset, I pull LO closer to me and try to do everything without DH. I just stonewall. It's so unhelpful and toxic. How can we stop doing this? Are we cursed to repeat the patterns of abuse and neglect that our parents started?

We put a toilet lock on the trashcan to keep LO from throwing toys in the garbage. But he still stashes stuff in the recycling the minute we aren't paying attention. Cheeky monkey.

Oct 18: We took down the baby gates which protected a bookshelf. We'll see how it goes. LO is obsessed with planes, helicopters, trains, buses, ambulances, and firetrucks. And loves barking back at dogs on our walk.

• If you want a nap at 9:30, wake at 5:30. If you want a nap at 10:30, wake at 6:30. If you sleep in until 7:30, expect a nap around 11:30 or noon.
• If you have 1 sleep cycle (45 min) for the am nap, you might get a pm nap between 3 and 5. But be sure to wake before 6pm, otherwise, you will have a late (~10pm) bedtime.
• If you have a one-nap day, you may get an early bedtime (~7pm) which is good if the next morning is an early one. The night sleep is about 10 hours long.

We have been walking for our bedtime routine. Outside in the cool dark city. Start around 7:30. In bed around 8:30. Sometimes fuss or play until 9:30, depending on naps or teething.

Oct 21: Y'all I'm so tired. My neck and back are aching. No amount of apple cider and pumpkin spice latte can make me want to be productive. I got the COVID booster and flu shot on 10/7 so I should be fully protected by now.

I want to put up fall decorations. So far I put lights in the front window. I looked in the garage to see if the boxes were easily accessible. Nope. We have family coming here for Thanksgiving. But dang I am exhausted right now.

I teach from home on Zoom. I babywear during my lectures to keep LO quiet. Seriously he is getting heavy or I am losing core strength. I was working out much more over the summer. Now it's only 3 days per week and I don't really go hard because I'm just too tired.

On the plus side, we started a meal prep service so I don't have to worry about cooking anymore.

Oct 22: We took the baby set off of our Tripp Trapp. LO can climb in and out easily. We adjusted the footrest down so he has an easier time climbing up and his legs are at a 90-degree angle while sitting. We took the front rail off our IKEA Sundvik crib so it's a toddler bed now. I guess I am ready for a change. LO measured 33.5" at his last pediatrician visit which was over a month ago. Size 7 shoes are too small. Walking around in 7's gave LO a bruised toenail. That's how we knew the size 5's were done. I packed up all 2T summer clothes. I took inventory of all 3T clothes that we have. This kid is definitely in a growth phase. He wakes up starving and eats about 4x as much as a few weeks ago. He's still cutting teeth but some have emerged.

I don't know how tomorrow is gonna go. We're seeing MIL after not seeing her since Easter. That's over 200 days or 55% of the year. She is done with her pancreatic cancer treatment and ready to get back to normal life. We're meeting at the Zoo.

Oct 23: Our trip to the Zoo was great. LO pooped on the drive over. We did a tailgate diaper change. Had a snack. Waited in line (we were 45 minutes early). Then walked a lot. LO got candy. All the families were in costumes. We had a picnic lunch and plenty of snacks. LO fell asleep on the tram ride. We ate soft serve ice cream. LO woke up. We left around 2pm. We stayed about 4 hours. The weather was great.

Things got tricky from there. LO blew out his diaper in a way that he had never done before. It was epic and nasty. Then he was kind of a whiny mess for the rest of the day. I ended up doing chores and getting more worn out. The dog wouldn't stop barking. Never figured out why. Thank goddess LO fell asleep easily at 7:30pm. The only problem is I didn't get much to eat and I'm trapped.

Oct 24: Mom's night out on Friday night. Chatted with another IVF mom and it was very good to connect. She's 3 months postpartum and I could see that version of me in the rearview mirror. It made me realize I have come a long way in terms of personal growth and physical healing. I'm glad I went even though I don't drink alcohol. I was worried about missing bedtime and I still nurse LO to sleep, but DH handled it like a champion. LO caught up on feeding throughout the night and in the morning. We sat unmasked on an outdoor patio. We shared appetizers, which felt strange after looooong quarantining. There was a DJ which gave a fun vibe. 5 moms from our fitness group. No husbands, no kids. The last time we did this was 6 months ago.

Oct 26: I'm kinda resentful of the whole "women cheerleading other women" thing. It's a bit toxic. What I mean is I found a bunch of social media accounts devoted to like, "you can have a family and a scientific career and an academic career," you can have it all! It's just nonsense. I am feeling so exhausted and I don't even write grants or keep up appearances to make tenure. I'm a freaking exploited part-timer who is in the trenches teaching day after day, grading papers during every free moment.

I babywear my toddler and plan his whole day around napping during my lecture. Yes, I'm doing it but I'm not all Rah Rah Rah about it. I actually feel like telling women in their 20s and 30s that they can have it all is kind of a false promise. I ended up delaying childbearing until my late 30s and now I have a toddler in my early 40s. I have a good secure job, which I had to work very long and hard to get that job security and I timed the pregnancy to coincide with those benefits kicking in.

If I had taken any time off prior to when I did, I would not have earned my entitlement, which puts me on a 3-year contract instead of semester-by-semester. I had accrued a bunch of sick leave and personal holidays, having never taken a day off, which when combined with summer break got me 6-months of maternity leave. It was glorious.

I think I'd rather follow "get real" type of mom accounts. I watched some YouTube "day in the life" videos of working moms with toddlers because I kind of wanted some solidarity. I mean I love reading what y'all are going through. Thank goodness for this Bumper group. But it was interesting seeing videos of how other women get through the day. We're not freaking supermoms. We're just regular women.

If you know of any "get real" day in the life videos, send me the link. I could use a bit of inspiration. My husband and I got excited about a Ninja coffee maker as if a $150 coffee maker could give us the energy we need to keep up with this kiddo. DH is in his late 40s. But seriously, if you have an amazing coffee routine, share it. I'm talking about a milk frother, espresso, the works! Currently rocking a $20 drip coffee maker with timer and auto-off cause we fancy like that.

I work with my husband and I love it. He is the instrument manager (repairs broken equipment) and I teach the lab class that uses the equipment. We keep each other informed and have offices in separate but adjoining buildings.

I have been slowly unfollowing all baby-related social media but somehow a hashtag popped up on my Twitter that directed me to Instagram and then I started to realize my mistake for following that whole line. In case you are wondering...the hashtags were SciMomJourney and mothersinscience

Oct 27: Albert has a special face to go along with his deviant behavior. It's a smile with a scrunched-up nose and nearly closed eyes. I wish I could get a picture of it, It's soo darn cute. But he only does it when he knows he's doing the opposite of whatever I've asked him to do. And I never have the camera ready to catch it.

Oct 28: When do you get rid of a toy? For example, I have so many things that say 6-36 months. But they are bulky, ugly, and rarely used. I think things that are 6-18 months are clearly good to go. We are "one and done" as far as having kids so I fast-track toys out of the house. I have other toys that are 18 months and up that are still in the closet because there is no room to bring them out. Just wondering if anyone else wants to share their criteria for saving vs rehoming toys. I'm scared to get rid of something that says good up to 3 yrs like he might enjoy it later if I don't get rid of it.

Literally on my last nerve. Frazzled doesn't even begin to cover my state of mind. DH was "watching" LO and "supervising" dinner while I was grading papers and LO falls out of his chair. Bonks head. Screams bloody murder. Productivity gone. Now trapped under sleeping child. I didn't get dinner. LO is in dirty play clothes that he wore to the park.

DH is so clueless about my level of fragility. I wanted to cry a dozen times but I held it together. Didn't get a moment alone all day. We're fighting about sitter vs daycare. I don't see DH taking LO to his work but I get to watch kiddo 24/7 cause I WFH and still breastfeed. Wonder how things would be different if our roles were reversed.

December 2020 thoughts

I gave LO a pacifier the other day and he played with it happily for about 20 minutes, which is longer than some toys. He put all parts of it in his mouth and chewed. His coordination is so good now, he can manipulate it even though it had no "handle."

I had a dream that I got fired and it made me so happy. Even though we're virtual, in my dream all the students showed up in person. It has been SO HARD. I feel so stressed. DH takes LO out during my class so I don't hear the crying. But otherwise baby is here. If I try to work, LO has taken to screaming at me. If I don't hold him for naps, he only sleeps for 10 minutes.

I used to be on campus 40+ hours per week at 93% of full-time. We always planned for me to keep working until my student loans are repaid, but that's 5 years from now. We had planned to put LO in daycare 3 days per week, which would have cost 1/3 of my salary. Because of COVID we are keeping LO at home instead.

DH is supposed to be "on call" but he still goes to campus 5 days a week and sits in his office blogging, day trading, and doing non-profit work. When he's here, I get upset because he's always falling asleep and not watching or playing with LO. So we end up bickering.

I don't know if what we're doing is best for each of us or not. It's just what is. I don't know what we'll do next semester. It all depends on what classes I'm offered. We're for sure virtual again. Daycare is available. We're just choosing to go without. I hate the circumstances but I love my baby.

We love rain 🌧 https://youtu.be/ajABt8KCho8

I'm still stressed from Monday when I looked at the nutrition facts on the baby's rice cereal. I started feeding rice after my pediatrician shamed me for exclusively breastfeeding for the first 4 months. She said the baby looked pale and I should start giving baby cereal with iron. Yea so I looked at the box and it said serving size 4 tablespoons. The entire box is only 16 servings. One box has been lasting me over a month. Strike 1. Then I looked at the iron. A full serving provides baby 60% of the RDA for iron. Strike 2.

So today I tried feeding the baby like 3 times as much as I normally give him. He's a super slow eater. Like breakfast started at 8am and ended at 11am. WTF? This can't be right.

Albert seemed to be spitting up more lately too after a temporary improvement. Dunno what that's about.

We spent Dec 6th childproofing after a nice breakfast, clean kitchen, doing laundry, going to groom the dog, holiday cards are almost done, maybe we'll hang lights upstairs.

We took LO to look at Xmas lights. DH took an "In-N-Out Day" picture of me and LO. All in all, an epic weekend. I realized that my kitchen is actually my refuge and I WANT to spend more time in there. Planning to bake so many holiday treats this year. Ordered supplies on Amazon so today I am on "package watch."

The March 2020 Bumper group has lots of discussion about TTC which I'm like cool cool cool. Some are happy to be already pregnant again. And I'm like having all these thoughts about miscarriages. For them. They're posting pics of lines on sticks and I'm just thinking how that doesn't mean you're going to get a live baby, but I don't say anything.

I had my son via C-section and I'm 40 years old. Even though I would want another, I don't think it will be possible. So it is hard for me to read about other pregnancy posts. I'm like can't we just keep the group focused on the ones we already have? If you start another, can't you share that with the other Bumper group? We have to put CW and TW on posts about breastfeeding and sleep, why can't all TTC posts go somewhere else?

Then comes one thread about TTC using some [banned term] method to get the gender you want and I have no idea what that is, but it made me pretty upset. I wrote a kind of snarky comment about IVF and genetic testing as a way to get the gender you want. The OP said, "if you can't tell, this is meant to be lighthearted and just for fun." Well I guess I still have some lingering resentment that I didn't have that fun TTC experience.

DH tries to help by napping with LO but when DH is awake, he's always dumping LO into a container and walking away.

Dec 10: I'm so tired today. I'm tired of feeding LO. I'm tired of being behind at work. I'm tired of trying to do everything here at home. I asked DH to watch LO last night after bedtime because I forgot to eat and I was so hungry I couldn't sleep. Pretty much right when I got done eating, LO started crying so I didn't get much of a break. I got a little bit upset with DH last night because we sit on our neighborhood sustainability committee. On a zoom call last night, DH was ignoring LO, sushing him, pushing him out of the frame. It made me feel like LO is at the center of my life but only in the margins of my partner's life. That hurt. DH goes to work outside the home for 5 hours, 5 days a week. I have no idea what he does all that time, he can do whatever he wants. Meanwhile, I have left the house without LO once only for about 3 hours since he was born. Yeah yeah yeah. It was my idea to EBF. I get kind of tired of DH pointing out that it was my idea. I didn't know it would be like this. I know it's temporary, but it's so all consuming. I'm almost done with this semester. Taught 3 classes. Got my schedule for next semester, only 2 classes. So that's good b/c less work but bad b/c less pay. About half what I have been making for the past 7 years. Fuck COVID. I used to teach 5 classes but I took my mat leave in the form of a reduced workload for this semester. I hate doing part-time WFH with no childcare. It's putting strain on my relationship with DH.

Dec 11: I had a mental flashback to when we were all pregnant and worrying about nurseries and packing a hospital bag. It seems both like a long time ago AND yesterday.

Dec 15: I saw a work colleague while doing a socially distanced secret santa dropoff. I haven't seen him since I was 7 months pregnant. So weird.

Dec 18: Wow, T. G. I. F. This was the last week of the semester where I went back to work with a new baby. I'm so glad I will never have to relive this experience ever again. I almost cried yesterday when I finished grading student work. My LO is having so much teething pain. He's been difficult to get to nap during the day and he's having a hard time going down at night. He's biting while nursing so there's that.

Dec 21: We went for a walk last night to look at Christmas lights. DH has a three day week. LO is teething. I can feel uppers coming in. The bottom two erupted together. Not sure what's happening in the upper jaw but it must be painful. Been giving Tylenol infrequently as it can help with naps and bedtime but trying to use it as needed and not as a matter of routine. Aldi unsweetened applesauce was a big hit at lunch yesterday.

I was reflecting on this semester and I was like DAMN. GIRL. YOU. DID. THAT. Great job. Those people's experiences are not like ours. We have our own challenges like really doing all the things and doing them well and not asking for extra time or compensation. I feel motherhood has changed me for the better WRT how I treat my students and I guess I have lost some respect for my childless colleagues who complain about how little time they have.

Got some supplies for sewing 2 quilts. Want to stay productive during lockdown. 1st one is going to be made by cutting up receiving blankets. All flannel pastels. 2nd one is fabric from MIL all navy white and gold with a nautical theme.

The crib quilt I sewed for LO is coming in handy finally. Used it to protect the carpet from spit up at MIL's over Thanksgiving. Also wrap LO in it when he's on my lap listening to bedtime stories. We used to nurse to sleep but between his teething pain and my fear of getting my nipple bit off, we're starting to do storytime until he drifts off.

Definitely spent more than I wanted to at the craft store. I will try to save the receipt and return anything I don't use. Found out I will be working at 50% of my normal schedule for spring. Good News: we can keep going without childcare, spend more time with LO, continue BF. Bad News: we are going to keep going without childcare, no rest, no break, less pay.

We had an awkward Zoom party with our coworkers and LO was super fussy throughout. It was a major struggle even though it was well intended. DH and I work in the same department. He was like: notice how nobody else's kids were on the screen? It's because their spouses were minding them. We didn't have that option. 

Dec 28: Just coming here to say that I used our toilet sprayer and shield for the first time today. We cloth diaper part-time. Since we started feeding LO solids, his poops were very plop-able. Today there was a clingy situation and the sprayer worked great. Was it worth $70 to have the sprayer and shield? There are some unanswerable questions in parenthood. I'm no economist, but using it one time only has been pretty unsatisfying. Not that I want to be spraying every day. Once is fine. I have convinced myself that it is our emergency bidet in case the world goes crazy and starts hoarding toilet paper again.

Dare I do the math for the rest of the cloth diaper nonsense I bought? My husband is a big fan of disposable diapers. I prefer cloth because I just hate thinking of those disposable diapers in the landfill. But I don't use most of what I have. Several friends gave me their stashes. Plus I bought some. In the beginning, it was so confusing. Now I keep it simple so I only use flats and covers. I have a ton of pockets and fitteds that I'm not even using. 

I must ask my friends who gave me their pockets and fitteds if they will be wanting them back. I have 28 flats and we wash every other day if we don't use any disposables. I will definitely sell the AIOs I bought. I keep holding everything for now to see if our preferences change as LO continues to grow. I have no idea of when we will potty train, hence how much longer we will need all the diaper stuff.

Same goes for homemade purees. Dare I calculate the cost of homemade versus store-bought? I'm not a complete eco-freak. I just like cooking. I enjoy making the purees. But sometimes I wonder: is it worth the time and effort? Is it even worth the time it took me to think about and write this post? I do try to think of our options as "all of the above" and not be too rigid to use a combination of whatever makes sense. COVID restrictions have been so game-changing in the sense that I'm home all day every day so there's really no excuse to not use the CDs and make homemade food. Unless I just don't have the energy. Which happens sometimes.

One thing is for sure... I love my baby. I totally felt overwhelmed by the transition from bottles/BF to purees. Still haven't made the leap to puffs/solids.

Dec 30: Started packing up the Christmas decorations today. It's the only project that seems to make sense right now. LO was super fussy throughout breakfast but then cracking up laughing while watching me dismantle a wreath made of eucalyptus. Silly goose.

If you can fit one large mat in your vehicle/house, I would recommend against the puzzle mat. I am getting pretty tired of constantly rebuilding it when the pieces separate. I wish I had one continuous mat. The fence we have is two of these. I got the idea to fence LO in with my computer since I WFH and it's been great. Here's what it looks like with two gates and two alphabet puzzles: Toddleroo Superyard x2.

This month

This month I had an accidental good sleeping baby. My baby napped in his swing for the first time in 4 months. It's been an hour! I don't know what to do with myself. I've already vacuumed the living room and cleaned the kitchen. I'm about to fold some laundry I guess. I did give him a bath and feed him before putting him in the swing, and Huckleberry said it was his nap time, but I put him there expecting to just do a few things and then put him down in the usual way. I'm afraid to leave him unattended in case he wakes up. He's almost too big for the swing now and he keeps trying to sit up in it when it's designed for him to be leaning back. Also, side note, my mom is coming for 2 weeks next Tuesday. I am beyond excited to have some more help. This is partly why I'm trying to clean. I want her to be able to enjoy quality time with LO. She lives 1700 miles away and hasn't been back since he was born. She stayed with us for his first week of life on the outside.

This month I set a timer for something (cooking, laundry) and then got naptrapped while DH was out. You'd think I would learn to set timers on my phone. On the plus side, I made lentils, carrot and green bean baby foods.

This month I had a panic attack when I looked at my baby's head. It looked like he has two coin-sized wounds on it. I racked my brain because I was trying to think where it could have come from. It looked like the skin had been rubbed off or a burn. Then I turned on the light and saw they were brown and not pink. Then I realized it was spilled coffee that had dried. And I could breathe again. Damn I love this baby.

This month I vacuum when I have time/energy/help. Kind of when the stars align. I keep dirty dishes in the dishwasher. I have a baby swing that looks on to the kitchen. I have an exersaucer in the garage by the washer and dryer. I have a rocker in the bedroom / bathroom. Baby watches me do chores. It helps pass the time in the day. What I am struggling with is meal planning and cooking.

This month my mom is visited for 2 weeks. It was so much easier to cook and clean and prepare for and teach my classes with an extra pair of hands. I don't know what I'll do when she leaves. 😭 My husband has been watching the baby during my office hours and classes. They seem to be establishing a good rapport. Dad feeds solids. So far he's tried plums, pears, apples, banana and rice cereal. Next we'll try some vegetables (carrots, green beans, squash) and protein (lentils, chicken, eggs). I was worried that solids would interfere with breastfeeding, but it doesn't seem like it has. Baby will nurse even right after the solid feeding. We had a fun family meal with LO in his Tripp Trapp and playing with his own spoon. We are also giving him a water filled sippy cup to play with.

This month my noise-canceling headphones did not at all take the edge off of a caregiver trying to put my baby down for a nap one floor up. My students were asking in the Zoom chat: is your baby alright?

This month I was so starving. Yet gaining weight. While BF. FML.

This month we tried mashed sweet potato and baby started choking. There were 3 adults there and we quickly got LO unstrapped from the high chair and did the back-whack to clear baby's airway. I wasn't stressed and I wasn't surprised. Just moments before it happened I was saying it was too thick and lumpy. Luckily baby wasn't traumatized because he wanted another bite after drinking some breastmilk. So we thinned and blended the rest before freezing it into cubes.

This month I spoiled my baby. What's beautiful is that my mom is visiting. Before she came out she was all for sleep training. She was like, you can't let them fall asleep on you... they will never learn to self-soothe. Then I had her watch the baby during one of my classes. Huckleberry was predicting a nap. He fussed a lot until the last 15 min of class. I went up to the bedroom to find baby asleep on her chest. My time with this little dude is so precious and my mothering instincts tell me he can self soothe just fine when he wants to. Why spend hours crying and insisting that he sleeps in his crib when he sleeps just fine without crying and I get cuddles? I also feel, like a birth plan, sleep training is a myth. It's some idea propagated to give parents an illusion of control, but it can also make parents feel anxious and like things that happen naturally aren't happening the way it says in the book. I feel my baby will grow up too fast, why rush to force him to be independent? I wish COVID wasn't a thing and I was still going to campus. I have good friends in the child and adolescent development department that could have helped me 'Emily Oster' this. Sometimes it helps to have scientific basis, sometimes I guess it's better to go by the individual child and family situation and do what is right for those circumstances. My baby was born with a hernia that got bad (his scrotum would be filled with his intestines until it was the size of an apple) when he cried. So I kind of have an aversion to him crying, even though his hernia has been repaired.

This month I prematurely cried in the shower thinking about how hard it will be when my mom leaves. 😭 I am extra grateful because lots of us are without family support due to COVID. Luckily my mom has been brave enough to take the risk of air travel. She's been feeding LO solids and supervising lots of reading and playtime. It's very validating to hear her say, "I had forgotten how much work it is keeping LO entertained." I also appreciate her saying, "I was 15 years younger than you when I had my first. Think how much more energy you would have had." I love soaking up the baby snuggles, and it is great to share those with my mom while I can. I sometimes feel like I have to put on a brave face and make parenting look effortless. It was fantastic to have my mom here during our weekly zoom call. She observed how difficult it is to keep the baby entertained and looking cute for a 75 minute video chat. Usually she is on the receiving end and doesn't see what goes into making that call a joyous moment.

This month I distinguish between "full feed" with multiple let downs and "snack" which happens during the day a lot now. If there's ANYTHING interesting going on, it'll be a snack feed where he clearly gets milk but doesn't linger. Maybe 5 min. For a full feed, it will be about 30 min with maybe a nap after.

This month I felt that tiny bit of rage when everyone in the house has pooped and showered and you're naptrapped. No shower. No time to poop. I woke up 30 minutes before my alarm and thought it would be cute to snuggle with my husband. He was like, "WTF and why are you crowding me in this bed?" I guess I should have taken the time to poop and shower. I hated seeing myself on a zoom class last night. My face is all red and splotchy. My hairline has receded. I feel stressed and it shows. Today I cried just snuggling LO. May be hormones. It's the 3rd week of the semester. Dunno how I will make it to week 16. I teach a 3 hour "night lab" 2 nights per week. Our longest meetings have only been 2 hours and I can't stand being away from my baby. I hate this. I also teach 2 x 75 min lectures, 2x per week and those aren't so bad. We're starting experiments in week 5 that may take the whole 3 hours. Keeping LO up late sucks. He's already struggling to sleep, both during the day and at night. It breaks my heart to see him all grouchy from too little sleep and not enough cuddles. DH is doing his best at keeping LO entertained and he's doing great at offering solids. My mom is here for another week to help us through this transition, but it's still hard. I don't miss the "career woman" I was before becoming a mom. Instead I miss the SAHM I was during my maternity leave but I can't afford to not work. In Spring, we might do day care. I might be teaching more classes. DH and I were just saying this morning that COVID continues to make everything more fluid, less certain.

This month my mom laughed when I showed her my son's baby book. For "world leaders" I put COVID-19. The virus is holding all of us hostage. Academia is a very grumpy place right now. Sending virtual hugs. Watched Disney's COCO tonight 💀 my son cried for a second helping of avocado at dinner 🥑 and we swear he is saying "mama" when he wants me 😭 My mom is here and she INSISTED on feeding LO Cherrios. She broke each "o" into 4 teeny pieces. It works ok. My baby is EBF but has been having purees for 3 weeks now. LO eats 2 cheerios per day in 8 teeny bites. I pretty much hold my breath and watch closely the whole time. 😳 I still take 1000 mg of lecithin per day.

This month we installed a convertable carseat. We have a long baby so the infant carseat was just about too small. My mom left. LO had his 6 month pediatrician appointment. I have all the feels. My baby wants to stand all day. We call it "ironing board" when he goes rigid and whines until he's in a standing position. He just rolled front to back unassisted for the first time yesterday.

This month I still get engorged when my baby is going through a growth spurt. Sometimes he nurses every hour in a 24 hour period for 3 days in a row but then goes back to eating every 2-3 hours.

This month I spent 2.5 hours and $16 to get a replacement tray for a hand-me-down Evenflo compact fold high chair. As DH pointed out, we could have bought a new one for $35 more but I am all about upcycling. Gripe: the Evenflo company didn't make it clear the model number of the chair, lots of models had replacement trays sold out, it isn't clear which models share a tray design and I don't know FOR SURE that what I ordered will fit the chair I have. Also they don't send confirmation email with order tracking info and my order number on the screen was quickly blocked by a pop-up about "refer a friend" Gratitude: I found an Evenflo exersaucer at the curb near my house in early May. I ordered a replacement spring for one of the legs and feet for the toy arch. They did arrive and we installed them and my baby is highly entertained in the exersaucer. I keep it in the garage for baby to watch me while I'm doing laundry. DH uses it to park baby while "tailgating" in our garage while waiting for me to finish a zoom class meeting. I'm a teacher!

This month I cried the entire week after my mom left just trying to keep up the routine we established. 3x per day solids for LO and 3 home-cooked meals for the adults. Not to mention a workout for me and 3-4 naps for baby. I am WFH with 3 college classes so that's 14 hours per week on Zoom plus prep and grading time. My husband tells me not to think of it all in a lump like that. I used to just go with the flow and take it one hour at a time, but since my mom left all I can think about is how much there is to do and how I can't possibly do it all. Tuesday night my husband sautéed some veggies for a quiche which I tried to bake yesterday. It came out underdone since I had forgotten to set a timer and I just pulled it out at a time that was convenient for LO's feeding and nap schedule. Then DH tried to eat a nearly raw pie crust and asked me all these questions like "how much longer should it be cooked" and "at what temperature" and I told him I barely had the mental and emotional bandwidth to throw it in the oven the first time and I certainly wasn't willing to help him troubleshoot it. I said "just throw it away." He was pretty shocked because I normally don't give up like that. To try to help me, he put the dirty laundry in the washer on his way to work. It's shocking how I feel like that's like tipping your waitress $0.01. You know? Like a tiny drop in the ocean of how much more help I need. And he acts so worn out after watching LO for 75 minutes (the duration of one of my Zoom classes). We are going without childcare. Everyone's like oooh, think how much money you're saving. I'm like yeah. That's true. Then this morning my husband says "Friday I'm taking off work to ride the train." We have a nonprofit based on educating people in Los Angeles how to ditch their car and take a bicycle on public transit. We agreed that our advocacy work would be paused during baby and COVID time. I have already asked him to CANCEL this session in the past but I guess his brain just couldn't retain the reasons why because he rescheduled it. And it's going to take HOURS for something OPTIONAL. WHY???? And then he says, "you and LO can come too." Uh no... pandemic much? WTH? Nonessential trip. No thank you. I'LL just be over here at home running the household like a MFing boss. And parenting our spawn. And working my paying part-time job. You go have fun with your little friend dear.

This month at the pediatrician I got samples of vitamin D drops. Add 0.25mL via syringe into the morning iron-fortified rice cereal. Lunch is puree of plum, banana, sweet potato, squash, carrots or apples. Dinner is puree of avocado. Have made but not yet introduced: green beans, lentils. Have not made or introduced: tofu, beef, chicken, broccoli, cauliflower, eggs, nut butter. DH gave baby a spoonful of milk leftover from his sugar cereal (Lucky Charms) and LO got a rash on his cheeks. So we did a few repeat exposures. DH said, "well if he doesn't like carrots, we can sweeten them with honey." I have to educate and keep a closer eye on that man!

This month I started watching "Workin' Moms" on Netflix. It's been a month of me working so I started watching. Definitely relatable, but also kind of made me sad because it centers around a f2f support group, which we don't have due to COVID. At the same time, yesterday we found two little paychecks in the mail for extra work I did last year pre-baby and a teeny glimmer of pride sparked inside me knowing I have rejoined the paid workforce. I know I can spend money even if I am doing the unpaid labor of raising our child, but a $1 with two or three zeros after it on top of my regular pay is kind of sweet. If only it weren't for COVID, I would go get a massage. More in savings I guess.

This month I resented my husband because he has autonomy. He is still working for pay (full-time, salary) and doing non-profit volunteering. Some f2f, some on Zoom. But he leaves the house every day. I ask him not to tell me about the volunteering because I resent that he has the autonomy to do it. While I'm over here paying attention to LO nearly 24/7 with the exception of my work (part-time, paid) that is 11 hours per week. During that time, DH takes LO outside so his crying doesn't interrupt my classes. DH doesn't even watch LO during my office hours. And during my labs, I take a breastfeeding break. So LO is nearby but not in the room. This morning I just asked DH when he would be home but he didn't appreciate my tone of voice. My nipples hurt. I feel drained.

This month, I found out that my baby loves drinking from a cup. We have these. I didn't buy them knowing LO would go straight to drinking from a cup, but he LOVES it. I call it "drowning practice" because it's pretty terrifying to watch, but the baby just laughs and keeps going back for more.

This month, I was teaching my class about infectious diseases and learned that the word "quarantine" comes from the Italian meaning 40 days. During the 12th century Plague, people self-quarantined. Imagine if we had only been impacted for 40 days. We're on day 186 now.

This month, the Wonder Weeks suggested that during a leap, baby might lose their appetite. That wasn't the case for us. We survived leap 5. While pregnant, we planned on sending LO to daycare since my husband works full time and I work part time. Now with classes virtual and my husband working only on call, we're getting by on our own, just the 3 of us. My husband is older than me, he's turning 48 this year, so we are definitely struggling to keep our energy up and joke all the time about how old we'll be when our son hits milestones like graduation, marriage and becoming a parent himself. I guess it gives us some incentive to take better care of ourselves. I like being a mom much more than I thought I would. I wish I had started having children sooner, but if I had, I wouldn't have had paid maternity leave. I wish I could be a SAHM. My maternity leave was so great. Juggling work and childcare is a real challenge. I look forward to being out of debt and post-COVID so we can do more traveling with LO.

This month, I took a weekend shower and immediately after self foot massage on my clean feet while DH rubs my shoulders and neck. It has been remarkably restorative. Sometimes I log in to my workout group, sit on a stack of pillows and breastfeed LO. It's like saying no to a workout and yes to a meditation. Then I join in on just the cool-down stretching, which is sometimes sun salutations, while LO is practicing tummy time. I have also had good success with Cosmic Kids yoga on YouTube being highly entertaining to LO while getting me moving. Even though it's a yoga sequence designed for kiddos, I still find my body is in a better state after doing it than before. We've been meal planning and cooking. While it is a lot of work, I have lost 4 pounds in 4 weeks. And I have a lot to lose. Mind you I gained about 1/2 pound per week since LO's birth until I finally turned it around by eating more protein and home-cooked food.

This month, my weekday showers were three eensy-weensy spiders, one B-I-N-G-O and one Hickory-Dickory Dock. Seriously my husband does not comprehend how tiring it is to not be able to shower without doing a literal song-and-dance. To his credit, he left me with a fridge full of healthy precooked meals, a clean kitchen and he put away the clean laundry. It was a beautiful sight to wake up to this morning.

One month ago

One month ago, I noticed LO seems to have liked to be worn a lot more when he was smaller. Now he's in and out of a carrier in like 20 minutes. But hey, 20 minutes is better than zero. 

One month ago, I wrote that my son nursed 5-6x in daytime and 2-4x overnight. He nurses to sleep, but he generally pops off after 30 minutes. He eats on one side per feed. This is relatively new behavior. My LO used to sleep through the night so I would MOTN pump. Now LO is so active during the day, he has trouble calming down to eat. This is why I think he is needing to eat more at night. He sometimes only feeds for 5-7 minutes during the daytime and keeps popping on and off to look around.

One month ago, I tie-dyed some 12m and 18m onesies. It was heart-wrenching to speed through the process of tieing and dyeing while DH tried to put the screaming baby to bed. I untied them and rinsed them in the sink while DH was at work and LO was crying in his swing. I sorted them into bins according to size. My baby was already too big for his 9m clothes. I measured him today. He is 28.5 inches long. He weighs 16 lbs 9 oz. His head is 44 cm around. So for his age, he is in the 99th percentile for length and the 53rd percentile for weight. 

One month ago, I realized the pack 'n' play with the "napper" level, bassinet and quick-release changing table had a weight limit of 15 lbs. I started to look for other changing tables and some have a weight limit of only 20 pounds! I put a changing pad on top of my dresser in the dining room. My husband has an aversion to changing baby on a dining table or other food-related surface. It's working very well.

One month ago, I wrote that prior to becoming a mom, I didn't comprehend the bond that forms between mothers and babies. I have a deep well of patience and energy for this LO. I feel insane when he is crying and when I can't see or hear him. Even though he is outside my body now, I still feel we're connected through breastfeeding. Sometimes I feel he's like a parasite, but in the best way. More like symbiosis. I call him my little barnacle. I didn't expect to enjoy pregnancy so much. I had terrible PMS and painful periods in adolescence and adulthood, but while on hormones for my egg retrieval and pregnant, I felt more womanly and feminine than ever. I felt all "Sugar and spice. And everything nice," when I had been pretty bitchy before. I didn't expect to appreciate my breasts this much. Now I feel they have fulfilled their true purpose and I am grateful to have carried them all these years.

One month ago, I was exhausted. I was unsuccessful at getting LO to nap in PNP instead of on my lap. I made pear, plum and butternut squash purees for LO. I washed the toys we bought from the consignment sale. I tried to find Zoom-friendly tops that fit over my milk-filled breasts, and found 6 that kinda worked.

One month ago, baby started waking up every 1.5-2 hours all night long. I guess it was leap 5.

One month ago, I ran a load of laundry with no detergent. Had too much inner debate about whether to wash a couple of my shirts. Let it smell like me so baby can nap with it... or wash all? Felt moisture on my arm. Wondered if it was my own sweat, spit-up, or did baby just pee on me? And do I want to know the answer? Had my first day teaching online yesterday with DH watching LO upstairs during. Baby made it 65 minutes without crying. Those last 10 minutes of class were the hardest. Hopefully it will get better.

Two months ago

A little over 2 months ago, baby Albert refused bottles half the time. He had cradle cap and scratched his forehead, so we had to put him in a hat and mittens. I gave up the MOTN pump 3 months ago. I got rid of the bassinet, which we hardly ever used. We started using the white noise machine continuously throughout the night instead of just for 15, 30 or 60 minutes. I was thinking, "I just can't remember anything anymore." But that isn't true. I remember lots of things, just not the same stuff I used to.

Two months ago I had THE BEST day! Doughnuts for breakfast. Took LO to the swimming pool. He was using this float and sunglasses while wearing this swimsuit and hat and these aquasocks . My friend gave us two used swim diapers Aqua Leisure and Finis. Albert happily kicked around for a full 45 minutes. I wouldn't characterize myself as someone who LOVES swimming, but it's been so hard to be cooped up inside due to COVID, I splurged on all this swim gear. Our condo complex has a community pool. There were no other families there today so it was very peaceful. We spotted squirrels, hummingbirds and dragonflies. We had homemade enchiladas for lunch with homemade brownies for dessert. Yes, the baby missed a few naps and feeds due to all the excitement, which we tried desperately to catch up between 3-8pm. IMHO it was worth the trouble of getting all the equipment because now I feel confident that I can take LO down to the pool any morning until the water temperature drops below 80 deg F (it's 84 now, not a heated pool). I can tread water or walk laps with my baby and not worry about overheating or walking too far away from home and LO having a meltdown (which has happened). The pool is about 300 ft from our unit. I take him in a stroller because wet baby is slippery, and it's easier to transport our things in the stroller than to carry everything on my body.

Two months ago, we picked up our purchases from the online consignment sale, clothes and toys for the next several months. I feel so excited to be prepared for another season of quarantine! Not saying I am a "doomsday prepper," but maybe just prepping adjacent. The funniest thing about these COVID times is that I keep imagining the preppers saying, "I told you! See how our stockpiles have been working out? I knew there was a pandemic-a-comin." I grew up in Nebraska where there are lots of extreme weather events, so I tend to stock canned food, batteries and water, etc. I feel like Californians are kind of laissez-faire which is strange because "the big one" is coming and they do annual earthquake drills and have a disaster preparedness fair. But our stockpile of nuts, grains and beans has lasted us through the shortages at the grocery stores. And now I am thankful, as I said, to have 9m, 12m and 18m clothes. My baby is in 6-9m now. His feet are comically big for the 0-6m socks. I have no idea what toys LO will like, so I sent my mom the link to the online store and it was really fun virtually shopping with her. We spent like 2.5 hours scouring the inventory, and she gave me lots of ideas about what kind of toys he will need in the next 6 months. This consignment sale only happens twice per year.

Two months ago, I noted that our baby became OBSESSED with the dog.

Two months ago, I thought there weren't enough cute pictures of baby on my Instagram. I was awakened by a magnitude 4.2 earthquake. After feeding LO at 3:30 and having just gone back to sleep. DH gets up for work at 5 so I just laid in bed thinking about vintage baby photo shoots. We started calling the baby "earthquake cowboy" because he rides it out.

Two months ago, I celebrated Harry Potter's 40th birthday by doing Cosmic Kids yoga and watching the movies on iTunes. I think I got as far as year 3.

Two months ago, I had a nightmare that I was a gestational surrogate and I had to give up the baby. I think I was nervous about going back to work.

Two months ago, I put LO in a carrier and walked or danced him for 30-40 minutes to calm him down before nursing and putting him to sleep. I sobbed over his crib because I didn't know how we would manage taking care of the baby and working. 

Two months ago, I was so exhausted last about an hour before LO's bedtime that I put baby in a carrier and walked in circles around our apartment complex. Just to calm the baby (and the dog and TBH myself). I usually like "going somewhere" on a walk but for some reason, it felt good to walk laps. It did feel a bit like being 14 months pregnant. I was looking forward to mastering the "back carry."

Two months ago, baby was drooling so much I had him wear a bandana bib all day every day. I had to change it 3x per day. Don't know what that was about since he still hasn't cut any teeth yet.

Two months ago, I started back to work. Babywearing with a teething necklace. Singing songs and bouncing baby to keep him calm. Now Huckleberry is saying I'm 37 minutes late for LO's nap. It's so hard to get work done and still follow baby's hunger and sleep cues. I can get so focused on computer tasks that I completely lose track of time. All I did for work in those 2 hours was to download last year's syllabi from the cloud, upload them to Office 365 for editing, copy course content on the LMS from last year's classes into this year's shells, and send 2 emails to colleagues. I know it's progress, but there's less than 3 weeks until classes start. I always want to be a great teacher. I look at the way I structured the courses a year ago and I want to overhaul it to be more pandemic-friendly, but I don't see myself having time to do it.

Two months ago, I defrosted frozen breastmilk overnight in the refrigerator. Tasted it. Yuck! Baby wouldn't drink it. Maybe LO is just rejecting all bottles. Maybe milk is just yucky. Maybe defrosting technique is not right. Not looking forward to troubleshooting this problem. I felt sad and stressed about going back to work in less than 3 weeks.

Two months ago, we threw out all frozen food that we had prepared for the fourth trimester. If I haven't eaten it by now, I probably won't, right? Also did a 24h fridge thaw of frozen breastmilk and it was disgusting. Going to compare with a 5m quick thaw in boiling water. Then compare with freshly pumped milk. DH refuses to participate in taste test.

Two months ago, I did it. I did a breastmilk taste test. Fresh. 24h refrigerated. Frozen and quick defrost. Frozen and 24h defrost. OMG the frozen was disgusting!!! Bye bye freezer stash. 🤮 Edit to add: appreciate the supportive comments but my baby will not currently take a bottle. We ended up dumping the stash. Trying to work my schedule around breastfeeding and hoping for the best with my supply. Worst case, we can go back to formula. If you have a carrier and are EBF, here are some tutorials for how to feed baby in a carrier. [part 1] [part 2] I want to start doing this because my baby nurses to sleep and then I am naptrapped. If I could nurse him to sleep in the carrier, I think I could get some work done in the mornings. Has anyone else unlocked this skill? I am slightly worried about going back to work as a lecturer at a university. There will be MANY hours of computer work between posting content and grading student work. 2.5 weeks left.

Two months ago, I experienced the first bath with a happy baby. No crying. Cradle cap is gone finally! It seems like at every stage in LO's growth, there is a crisis which passes relatively quickly but seems like a big deal at the time. Yes, I did spend $10 on the 2-pack FridaBaby DermaFrida the SkinSoother Silicone Bath Brushes a month ago, but it was like a big problem then. Packing them off to my sister, who is due in October.

Two months ago, we were in flux. Nights are up and down. Days are mostly up. Sleep training is a completely foreign concept to me. We're in survival mode. And my LO is such a distracted eater during the day and especially at bedtime. I am thinking that he's waking more at night because he's hungry. He will eat and then go back to sleep 2-3 times per night. He used to sleep 10 hours continuously for weeks 3-18. 🤷‍♀️  Maybe he just wants to be comforted. Who doesn't?

Two months ago, we consolidated from 4 naps to 3. I've tried walking baby in a carrier outside around sunset to skip the 4th nap. Then putting him down for the night at his usual time. Alternatively, we put him down a bit earlier. Only problem with that is he wakes earlier in the am. I was up at 4am for the day today. He went down at around 6pm last night.

Two months ago, the baby was eating and sleeping ONLY with mom. Should I be angry with myself for allowing baby to reject bottles and not nap anywhere else other than next to or on me? My husband came back from the grocery store with all the stuff he likes and none of what I like to eat that is healthy. I am so sick of COVID and it is really hard to manage the baby AND my own meals AND the grocery list AND cooking and cleaning AND not let things go bad because we have no time or energy to cook them. We get fast food so often like twice a day and I know it's nutritionally poor, not to mention financially wasteful. I have GOT to get more efficient. I start back to work in 2 weeks. That will be 11 contact hours plus 2 office hours plus prep and grading time. I can barely find 3 hours per day to shower, exercise, cook and clean. Something's gotta give.