Friday, September 17, 2021

July 2021 thoughts

July 2: Took LO to IKEA. Best Friday night. Made it farther than last visit. LO sat in the high chair and ate a bunch of things from the cafeteria. We got some bins and trays to organize our junk drawer and the cabinet below it because LO is obsessed with it and its full of potentially dangerous stuff and as of now, LO puts things in the drawer but soon I imagine he will take things out too.

July 4: For about 6 months after LO was born, I needed at least 3 servings of chocolate per day. I am not usually a dessert person and never considered myself a chocoholic.

We're leaving tomorrow for our cross country flights. I am a nervous Nelly! We are packed as much as I can think of what we will need. We're staying 10 days before we come back home.

Part of me is worried about DH. Even though I know he's a grown man. I've been WFH for a year and a half. I would say I've been a SAHM but I also taught university courses at 70% of full time. We, like many people, have been cooking at home and watching streaming services at home and doing projects at home...safer at home. I guess I'm having re-entry stress.

DH goes back to work "full time" starting Tuesday. He's been "on call" since the start of lockdown a.k.a LO's birthday. I just know things will be different when I get back from this trip. LO might be starting day care when school resumes... depending on COVID and availability. 

I don't know what I'm actually worried about. Maybe just fear of change, in general.

We are traveling to my parents' house on Monday. 2 planes. A 3 hr layover. Over 7 hours traveling. I am tentatively packed and trying to hope for the best. DH is not coming. Just me & LO.

July 16: First time being treated for mastitis. Diagnosed by teledoc. Really wish I could go to a La Leche League meeting and talk to other breastfeeding women. COVID is still ruining stuff. 😷😒

How I got mastitis: Combination of LO chewing and some dermatitis and some traveling and maybe fewer showers and also forgetting to take lecithin and wearing a sports bra for 3 days in a row at my parents' house where there was no working shower or laundry. I am definitely regretting my life choices. And LO has a cough and seems pretty miserable today. Boo hoo.

Trip recap: On the way there, the flights were timed with naps so he slept on the flights. 1st flight was 1h 45min. 2nd flight was 1h 20min and he was awake but chill for the last half hour, but very chill. On the way back our 1st flight was 3h. He was awake the first half and slept the second half. The 2nd flight was only 40min. He was very snuggly and watched Netflix with his headphones the entire time. I know we'll never do a "lap child" flight ever again. It was a good experience. 

I also had an anxiety moment, stuck on the runway in Vegas and there was no AC on the plane. Don't know how long, maybe 10 minutes while they were refueling, but it felt like forever. It got hot fast and I felt so icky in the mask and with a hot baby on my lap.

Most people didn't want to sit in our row but the folks who did all had kids at home and were super nice. Parent solidarity was a fun new feeling. This was a big trip out into the world. I am still processing all of it.

My mom complained about me putting the kid down for naps and having bedtime before dark. She constantly says that HER children (me) didn't nap and I'm like wondering if it is just that she never put us down! I would advocate that moms shod do whatever they need to do to stay healthy. I skipped out on self-care during my 10 day visit with family and suffered for a week afterwards. In hindsight, I wish I had put my needs a little higher.

July 17: We are officially in the climbing phase. Set up a baby gym in the living room. Stairs, ramp, tunnel, etc. 

I'm still suffering from mastitis. LO is developing a cough. He doesn't want solids, just nursing, which is probably best to help clear up this situation in my breast. It was nice to see family but it sucks that we are sick from the trip.

LO is finally getting the hang of waving bye-bye and it is the cutest thing ever. We hardly ever said hello or goodbye to anyone prior to this trip. He is also much better at nodding yes or no when we offer him things. He puts out a little hand and makes a sound when he wants something. Kind of like "Meh."

July 20: I've completed 4 days of cephalexin for mastitis. LO has a raspy cough. I am trying to stay away from obsessive googling. I suck at resting but I am giving it my best effort. LO is normal in terms of his capacity for play and intake of solids and wet diapers, no fever, so we haven't taken him to the pediatrician. My husband was ON CALL for all of the pandemic until now. So it's harder to keep LO busy all day here at home. I don't want to take him out because of spreading germs. I hate that COVID cases are spiking again. I hate that LO isn't immunized. I hate that there's only one month left of summer break.

Our landlord called a week ago to let us know that they are considering selling our condo. We rent. So we have been scrambling to get pre-approval for a loan. All I can do now is pray that they will sell it to us for a price we can afford. If not, we might be able to keep renting here, rent elsewhere or buy elsewhere. The thought of moving doesn't terrify me. Maybe COVID has acclimated me to an uncertain future.

July 23: I feel like it's time to unfollow and unsubscribe from all the baby-related accounts. They do have some toddler-relevant info sometimes but I don't want to be reminded of pregnancy and the 4th trimester when I'm chasing around a busy 16 month old. 

On a positive note, I feel like LO's cough is getting better. Maybe his teething pain is letting up. No fever so I'm gonna guess it wasn't COVID. My mastitis is feeling better but I do think I'm experiencing some vasospasm due to "nipple trauma." I can't make this up. Thankfully one breast is still normal so I tell myself that eventually the wonky one will go back to that.

Our HOA finally opened the swimming pool for the summer. They had said it was closed due to COVID. We have a floatie and I'm so excited to get LO back in the water. He kicked around in a floatie a bunch last summer but we stopped going to the pool once Fall classes started. Our pool isn't heated. 

This week I kept LO indoors becuse his cough makes it pretty obvious he is sick. But it's been rough feeling imprisoned in our home. My fitness instructor said the cough can linger for weeks after they aren't contagious anymore. She encouraged me to come back to in-person classes. But with COVID cases on the rise among unvaccinated people, I didn't want to be responsible for passing along whatever this is to any other moms or babies in our group. We picked it up traveling cross-country with 2 planes.

July 24: Got a play kitchen. So far, so fun!

July 26: Broke out the Duplos.

July 28: I feel like becoming a mom has helped me be comfortable with vulnerability. I feel like I can live more emotionally exposed and not worry about what people will think.

I wish I had more agency. I wish I could be more authentic. I wish I could be louder and more goofy and more open to making new friends.

COVID sucks. Cancer sucks. Mastitis sucks. I won't see MIL until Christmas 2021 because she's having chemo for pancreatic cancer. She refused to see us after a debacle last Thanksgiving (Nov 2020) and I hate that we are politically polar opposites. My mom had been coming out to see LO every 6 months. Her next visit would have been Sept 2021 but with this spike in COVID cases, and how I just visited her, I don't think she'll be out for LO's 1.5 year bday. I feel lonely because LO has been sick since we got back from our trip, I don't know if it is COVID, so we've been quarantining for 2 weeks. I am trying to stay cool and avoid Dr. Google. DH is back to being on campus 40 hr/wk and I am doing the SAHM thing. Every day is full. I feel like I'm solving puzzles trying to fit in meals, naps, fitness, learning activities and meeting everyone's needs.

How do you travel?
Prebaby: Car-free. Trains + bicycle. Can't tell you how many hotels we checked into with our luggage on our bikes. Packed light. Most days outdoors.

Postbaby: Minivan. Pack all the things. Day trips to the beach. Weekends "away" at hotels within 1-2 hour drive of home. Day hikes with baby in carrier. Bike rides with baby on bike. Lots of stroller walks. It's not as eco-friendly but I'm not super comfortable taking transit with baby. Too much risk of getting stranded somewhere. I will say that the hotel experience is significantly diminished in the COVID era. No pool, no breakfast, no fitness room, no dining. It's not worth it IMHO.

July 29: Watching a show about peanut butter. Thought about how peanuts are a crop. Thought spiral about sustainability and climate change. This [NYT](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/18/style/modern-love-fathers-day-where-are-all-the-wild-things.html) article really hit me in the gut.

Packing List
Carryon
1) Umbrella stroller 
2) Yoga mat strap 
3) Pink backpack (diaper bag)
4) crackers 
5) cherrios 
6) infinity scarf (didn't use)
7) diapers 
8) wipes 
9) changing pad 
10) extra clothes for Albert 
11) Phone charger 
12) toys 
13) ergo carrier 
14) birth certificate 
15) masks (2)
16) proof of vaccines 

Mom
1) underwear 
2) socks 
3) walking shoes
4) flip flops 
5) yoga pants 
6) sweat pants 
7) tank tops
8) bras 
9) toiletry bag 
10) headphones (didn't use)
11) fitness equipment 
12) swimsuit (didn't use)
13) hat 
14) Tylenol/vitamins 
15) long-shirt (didn't use)

Albie
1) short outfits (3) 
2) long pants (2) 
3) short onesies (3) 
4) footie pjs (2) 
5) socks (4) 
6) sandals 
7) reusable pouches 
8) ring sling 
9) swimsuit / water shoes / swim diaper 

Wish I had brought
1) nail clippers / file for mom and Albert
2) mom's socks
3) garment bag for dirty laundry
4) more different bras and mesh bag for washing bra
5) shampoo / conditioner

This was for a 10-day trip to see and stay with family. We took a plane so your list might be different if you're driving. Snacks I brought included goldfish and veggie straws. The best toy was a dimple-like silicone [thingy like this](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0953P4TPV/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_1K5SA2NZGNYP7H4KK7M1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1).

We were 3 hours early. It was a bit unnecessary but made checking bags, printing boarding passes, and getting through security very stress-free. LO was in a carrier. I brought an umbrella stroller with a shoulder strap. Gate checked stroller, which was super-easy. Backpack-style diaper bag. 

Let LO walk for ~1 hour prior to flight. ~30 min of strolling. Slept on flight. Repeat for layover.

Edit to add: kiddo was a lap child. DH not with us. My sister loaned us a carseat at our destination.

June 2021 thoughts

June 7: Pushing rolling things around the house is big time fun now. A bar cart, a scooter and the learning walker. Even though he can walk unassisted and even run, pushing stuff is paramount these days.

He is really into opening and closing doors and does a really cute little shuffle when I remind him to "watch your feet" so the door doesn't scratch him. He scoots his little feet back ever so slightly before moving the door.

We have had to move all trash cans up on top of stools because he loves stashing stuff in there like his toys and our shoes. As others have said there is a constant mixing of clean and dirty laundry that can get confusing and results in larger loads getting washed just to be sure.

Our pediatrician had to reschedule the 15 month appointment and now it's going to be at 16 months plus 4 days. What happens at that one?

June 9: LO is doing a cute hand gesture these days. Kind of hand opening and closing. Don't know what he thinks it means but if we do it to him, he will do it back. If he starts doing it, and we do it back, he cracks up. Silly monkey.

June 10: Vulnerable feelings alert! I'm scared about getting in shape / period returning / stopping breastfeeding / starting daycare / Albert growing up. I feel like I can't tell anyone because they might say, it's natural, get over it. I feel like I can't talk about it to my husband because he has to absorb my constant drama. 

I want to lose this belly pooch but I worry about cutting calories and not making enough milk. Likewise for period returning (which hasn't happened yet). Please no advice. I am trying to process these feelings. It's like making my LO my top priority for so long, it scares me to move myself as a higher priority. 

We are on a waitlist for day care for fall but I'm already starting to worry about it. Sharing in case anyone else is out there quietly feeling this way. It seems most people in this group have already crossed these thresholds, so I haven't posted here because I didn't want to seem behind the curve. 

I am holding on to this baby because we are one and done. I didn't expect to enjoy motherhood this much and I didn't give much thought to how I would balance working and parenting because our Reproductive Endocrinologist gave us a 50% chance of a live birth. It felt like flipping a coin. My husband was betting it would work and I was betting it wouldn't.

I am doing my best to embrace the change. Also working out harder is making my C-section scar hurt a bit and it makes me remember labor and makes me wonder if I could have had a vaginal delivery if only I had tried harder. What? Seriously I gotta get out of my head.

June 14: He pretended to blow his nose in a tissue. So cute!

June 16: Took baby for a hike. RIP my neck, trunk, arms, legs, etc. I tried to go to sleep but I was so hungry I had to sneak down and have a late night snack. It was only 3 miles and I babywear quite a bit, but I guess hiking is just that much different. LO was in a Deuter hiking backpack. Last time we took LO for a hike, he was 8 months old. Back then DH wore LO and I just walked. Today I wore him the whole hike. He did very well today but wow am I exhausted.

June 19: Me: sees a picture of an 8 year old
Also me: crying because LO will eventually be 8 years old

June 22: Me: I wonder why my left hip hurts...
Also me: At the store. Doing laundry. Gardening. Cooking. Walking on the beach. Carries LO on my left hip.

Infertility Babies: I am simultaneously wanting another child and feeling jealous of fellow bumpers who are pregnant or already have a 2nd, 3rd or 4th. But also feeling like I have my hands full now with one 15 month old. And still breastfeeding. And had a C-section. So like aren't I supposed to wait 18 months before even trying to get pregnant?

We do not plan to have another child. There is no way I would go through IVF again at my age (40). I hate it when people say, "you can't have an only child. He needs a sibling." But yes if it happens, I would love another. But no, I'm not actively trying. 

But yes, the TTC threads on my bumper group are super triggering for so many reasons! I selfishly want to have a second labor so I can have a better birth experience. The first one sucked except for the fact that both me and the baby survived.

Side note: I am starting to get fit again and doing scar massage and I think a lot about my birth experience and feel lots of regrets about it. My baby was born during a set of difficult circumstances. I don't feel entitled to a "do over" because I know it could end up the same or worse the 2nd time. And also it's crazy to want to "do over" birth and newborn stage right? You still gotta raise the baby for many years after that. I just don't know how to heal from my birth experience (after IVF) and immediate lockdown because of COVID. My son was born 3/14/20.