my mind is a sieve

 My mind is a sieve now, but with really extra large holes so that nothing is retained, everything just slips right on through. Which is a good thing sometimes, I don't get too stressed out over things because I can't dwell on thoughts like I used to. But it's also a bad thing when I need to remember something.

October 2021 Thoughts

Oct 1: DH and I are both so tired we're fighting over LO's night wake-ups. It's got me Googling COVID symptoms timeline because we both woke up with massive headaches. I have been nauseous yesterday & today. I am tired but have no loss of smell or taste. My employer pays for weekly testing so I will swab today. I am hoping it's just an emotional hangover from a tough week. I have a coworker who is bullying me and I finally let my boss know. LO is teething so bad.

Oct 3: Ordered pre-made food for the week instead of cooking. Portioned it out to be grab-and-go. DH got his first haircut at a barbershop since the start of the pandemic, so I didn't have to cut it. Got a new soother toy for LO that I really like. Did a meditation on Friday to ocean sounds and it really helped me get centered. Have a good routine now of working Tues, Wed and Thurs and not working Fri, Sat, Sun, and Mon. Meaning 4 days / week of fitness and naps and letting LO do whatever he wants. And 3 days / week of discipline and structure for LO.

Oct 4: I had a nightmare about tripping over toys. Like there was so much colorful plastic clutter that I couldn't walk through my house. In the dream. When I woke up, it wasn't that bad, but maybe it's my brain telling me to purge more baby toys. Like anything that says up to 18m is going out the door.

I'm very analytical about which toys to keep. I have a list of the toys and their age / height / weight limit. When LO is too old, too big or too heavy, I put the toy on Buy Nothing or send it to my younger sisters who have kids younger than LO. I am having a harder time with clothes because he didn't even wear some of them and the shorts and t-shirts mostly still fit but winter is coming and I'm not sure if 2T will fit next summer.

Oct 13: Why when my husband is mad at me does he punish me by helping out less? While when I get mad at him, I punish him by telling him, "I don't need your help, I can do everything without you."

We should be coming together and offering each other MORE help when we're stressed. Why do we pull away from each other under stress?

Sorry this is a late post but I was wondering it earlier in the week and then I couldn't remember it long enough to post it, but then I remembered it again while talking to my mom this morning.

For example, every time I ask for more help DH gets defensive and starts helping less so I can feel what he is doing to help and see how it feels when he stops helping. But when I'm upset, I pull LO closer to me and try to do everything without DH. I just stonewall. It's so unhelpful and toxic. How can we stop doing this? Are we cursed to repeat the patterns of abuse and neglect that our parents started?

We put a toilet lock on the trashcan to keep LO from throwing toys in the garbage. But he still stashes stuff in the recycling the minute we aren't paying attention. Cheeky monkey.

Oct 18: We took down the baby gates which protected a bookshelf. We'll see how it goes. LO is obsessed with planes, helicopters, trains, buses, ambulances, and firetrucks. And loves barking back at dogs on our walk.

• If you want a nap at 9:30, wake at 5:30. If you want a nap at 10:30, wake at 6:30. If you sleep in until 7:30, expect a nap around 11:30 or noon.
• If you have 1 sleep cycle (45 min) for the am nap, you might get a pm nap between 3 and 5. But be sure to wake before 6pm, otherwise, you will have a late (~10pm) bedtime.
• If you have a one-nap day, you may get an early bedtime (~7pm) which is good if the next morning is an early one. The night sleep is about 10 hours long.

We have been walking for our bedtime routine. Outside in the cool dark city. Start around 7:30. In bed around 8:30. Sometimes fuss or play until 9:30, depending on naps or teething.

Oct 21: Y'all I'm so tired. My neck and back are aching. No amount of apple cider and pumpkin spice latte can make me want to be productive. I got the COVID booster and flu shot on 10/7 so I should be fully protected by now.

I want to put up fall decorations. So far I put lights in the front window. I looked in the garage to see if the boxes were easily accessible. Nope. We have family coming here for Thanksgiving. But dang I am exhausted right now.

I teach from home on Zoom. I babywear during my lectures to keep LO quiet. Seriously he is getting heavy or I am losing core strength. I was working out much more over the summer. Now it's only 3 days per week and I don't really go hard because I'm just too tired.

On the plus side, we started a meal prep service so I don't have to worry about cooking anymore.

Oct 22: We took the baby set off of our Tripp Trapp. LO can climb in and out easily. We adjusted the footrest down so he has an easier time climbing up and his legs are at a 90-degree angle while sitting. We took the front rail off our IKEA Sundvik crib so it's a toddler bed now. I guess I am ready for a change. LO measured 33.5" at his last pediatrician visit which was over a month ago. Size 7 shoes are too small. Walking around in 7's gave LO a bruised toenail. That's how we knew the size 5's were done. I packed up all 2T summer clothes. I took inventory of all 3T clothes that we have. This kid is definitely in a growth phase. He wakes up starving and eats about 4x as much as a few weeks ago. He's still cutting teeth but some have emerged.

I don't know how tomorrow is gonna go. We're seeing MIL after not seeing her since Easter. That's over 200 days or 55% of the year. She is done with her pancreatic cancer treatment and ready to get back to normal life. We're meeting at the Zoo.

Oct 23: Our trip to the Zoo was great. LO pooped on the drive over. We did a tailgate diaper change. Had a snack. Waited in line (we were 45 minutes early). Then walked a lot. LO got candy. All the families were in costumes. We had a picnic lunch and plenty of snacks. LO fell asleep on the tram ride. We ate soft serve ice cream. LO woke up. We left around 2pm. We stayed about 4 hours. The weather was great.

Things got tricky from there. LO blew out his diaper in a way that he had never done before. It was epic and nasty. Then he was kind of a whiny mess for the rest of the day. I ended up doing chores and getting more worn out. The dog wouldn't stop barking. Never figured out why. Thank goddess LO fell asleep easily at 7:30pm. The only problem is I didn't get much to eat and I'm trapped.

Oct 24: Mom's night out on Friday night. Chatted with another IVF mom and it was very good to connect. She's 3 months postpartum and I could see that version of me in the rearview mirror. It made me realize I have come a long way in terms of personal growth and physical healing. I'm glad I went even though I don't drink alcohol. I was worried about missing bedtime and I still nurse LO to sleep, but DH handled it like a champion. LO caught up on feeding throughout the night and in the morning. We sat unmasked on an outdoor patio. We shared appetizers, which felt strange after looooong quarantining. There was a DJ which gave a fun vibe. 5 moms from our fitness group. No husbands, no kids. The last time we did this was 6 months ago.

Oct 26: I'm kinda resentful of the whole "women cheerleading other women" thing. It's a bit toxic. What I mean is I found a bunch of social media accounts devoted to like, "you can have a family and a scientific career and an academic career," you can have it all! It's just nonsense. I am feeling so exhausted and I don't even write grants or keep up appearances to make tenure. I'm a freaking exploited part-timer who is in the trenches teaching day after day, grading papers during every free moment.

I babywear my toddler and plan his whole day around napping during my lecture. Yes, I'm doing it but I'm not all Rah Rah Rah about it. I actually feel like telling women in their 20s and 30s that they can have it all is kind of a false promise. I ended up delaying childbearing until my late 30s and now I have a toddler in my early 40s. I have a good secure job, which I had to work very long and hard to get that job security and I timed the pregnancy to coincide with those benefits kicking in.

If I had taken any time off prior to when I did, I would not have earned my entitlement, which puts me on a 3-year contract instead of semester-by-semester. I had accrued a bunch of sick leave and personal holidays, having never taken a day off, which when combined with summer break got me 6-months of maternity leave. It was glorious.

I think I'd rather follow "get real" type of mom accounts. I watched some YouTube "day in the life" videos of working moms with toddlers because I kind of wanted some solidarity. I mean I love reading what y'all are going through. Thank goodness for this Bumper group. But it was interesting seeing videos of how other women get through the day. We're not freaking supermoms. We're just regular women.

If you know of any "get real" day in the life videos, send me the link. I could use a bit of inspiration. My husband and I got excited about a Ninja coffee maker as if a $150 coffee maker could give us the energy we need to keep up with this kiddo. DH is in his late 40s. But seriously, if you have an amazing coffee routine, share it. I'm talking about a milk frother, espresso, the works! Currently rocking a $20 drip coffee maker with timer and auto-off cause we fancy like that.

I work with my husband and I love it. He is the instrument manager (repairs broken equipment) and I teach the lab class that uses the equipment. We keep each other informed and have offices in separate but adjoining buildings.

I have been slowly unfollowing all baby-related social media but somehow a hashtag popped up on my Twitter that directed me to Instagram and then I started to realize my mistake for following that whole line. In case you are wondering...the hashtags were SciMomJourney and mothersinscience

Oct 27: Albert has a special face to go along with his deviant behavior. It's a smile with a scrunched-up nose and nearly closed eyes. I wish I could get a picture of it, It's soo darn cute. But he only does it when he knows he's doing the opposite of whatever I've asked him to do. And I never have the camera ready to catch it.

Oct 28: When do you get rid of a toy? For example, I have so many things that say 6-36 months. But they are bulky, ugly, and rarely used. I think things that are 6-18 months are clearly good to go. We are "one and done" as far as having kids so I fast-track toys out of the house. I have other toys that are 18 months and up that are still in the closet because there is no room to bring them out. Just wondering if anyone else wants to share their criteria for saving vs rehoming toys. I'm scared to get rid of something that says good up to 3 yrs like he might enjoy it later if I don't get rid of it.

Literally on my last nerve. Frazzled doesn't even begin to cover my state of mind. DH was "watching" LO and "supervising" dinner while I was grading papers and LO falls out of his chair. Bonks head. Screams bloody murder. Productivity gone. Now trapped under sleeping child. I didn't get dinner. LO is in dirty play clothes that he wore to the park.

DH is so clueless about my level of fragility. I wanted to cry a dozen times but I held it together. Didn't get a moment alone all day. We're fighting about sitter vs daycare. I don't see DH taking LO to his work but I get to watch kiddo 24/7 cause I WFH and still breastfeed. Wonder how things would be different if our roles were reversed.