Happy New Year! My big accomplishment of last month was using up all my Hoopla borrows. I have been binging on the "Jessie Hunt" series by Blake Pierce in audio book format. I rarely use all my 15 borrows, so any month I do is a good month. If you don't Hoopla, it's an app from the Public Library that lets you stream audio/video or read ebooks.
I'm grateful for this group keeping me writing microblogs that I can string together later. It's nice to have a twice daily reminder to write stuff down. My sister's baby was born in October and she didn't get a baby book. Not sure why I'm so obsessed with keeping records, but I think it's because I have a pretty bad memory. I hope that if everything is in the cloud, I can look at it later and remember. And if not in the cloud, I will have a few selected printed memories.
I have started telling stories to LO from memory. It's interesting trying to come up with a long enough story to help him fall asleep. I tell him memories from my life, e.g. how I met daddy, my first half-marathon, trips I took for work. I tell him any fairy tales, fables or movie plots that I can remember. It's nice. No nightlight. No pages to turn or rip. He doesn't know what I'm saying but it seems to do the trick. Then after he's asleep, I put on the audio book to put me to sleep.
We went out for a walk today. Saw lots of other families. Even one who had a kid within 2 weeks of our baby's age. I commented to DH that if not for COVID we would have asked for their phone number and set up a playdate and maybe even taken turns babysitting each other's kids. These are our neighbors. This is our neighborhood. Simple as that. But because of COVID, we stay away from each other. It's so sad and we didn't plan to have our babies in isolation. Never forget this bumper community. We all know some of what each other are going through, even though we each have a unique journey. I don't know how history will remember this time, but I hope HERstory will remember how we all jumped online and gave freely our ideas and support for each other.
Jan 3: I just started following Evolutionary Parenting. So far winter has been brutal because DH wants the house at 70 degrees and I am happier at 63.
Jan 4: My Fit4Mom group meets outside, wears masks, and the instructors do temperature checks. I stopped going in person because for me it isn't fun working out in a mask, the restrooms are closed, and it's a 25 minute cross-town drive. They have daily Zoom workouts so I am still working out, just not out of the house.
We almost ran out of disposable diapers and so DH actually started using cloth. It was the most buy-in I've ever seen and it was glorious.
Also I challenged DH to be fully in charge of all timing of LO's meals and sleeps. He decided when, where, what, all of it. I enjoyed the mental vacation immensely.
I have been avoiding stupid work virtual modules on harassment, data security, etc since I went on mat leave. Did the 1st one out of four that I'm behind on this morning. LO was playing independently then crawled over to me and bonked his head on the leg of the desk. It was approaching naptime so I put him in a carrier. We've mastered BFing in the carrier, so that kept him distracted for a bit. But he wouldn't go to sleep. Bounced and swayed, no nap. Sang Alouette, Gentille Alouette (highly recommend) and a fit of giggles. Finally finished the stupid 1 hour module and put baby down for a nap. Only 3 more modules to go...
It used to be so easy to sit down with a cup of coffee at the computer and knock this stuff out. Now I want to spend my precious few productive minutes doing ACTUAL work like updating syllabi and preparing lessons. I'm sorry but I really hate these virtual training modules. I wish I could pay a task rabbit to login as me and do them.
Had a dream about circumcision last night. LO was crying and saying 'don't take my duckie.' WTH? We didn't circumcise because of COVID lockdown and LO's hernia surgery was traumatic enough. DH said it probably won't happen. So I think I was dreaming of LO whimpering because he was ACTUALLY whimpering because he's teething. And I know he's fond of his 'ducky' because he grabs it during every diaper change, but he certainly can't say entire phrases yet.
Started calling Albert SHARKNADO 🦈because he is a biter. When he bites while breastfeeding, I end the nursing session.
I think this is the phrase "sleep when the baby sleeps" coming back to bite us. My husband does this too, like always defaulting to trying to get LO to sleep and then wondering why it doesn't work.
We only fed LO one meal yesterday because DH got home early from work and our nap/activity schedule was all off. The baby is still BF so it's ok. But I get tired of always being the one to think of feeding and nap schedules. Sometimes like yesterday I wait to see if DH will spontaneously feed LO but that's ridiculous. DH doesn't even responsibly feed himself. He waits until he's super hungry and then eats junk food. Like why would I even think he could be reliable in feeding LO?
I just keep hoping DH will come around. The trouble starts when we're both here. DH can be very good about feeding LO when mommy's not around.
I'm sad DH spent $350 on a third vacuum. I feel like I do extra work around here to save $12. He doesn't clean. I begged him to just use what we have, which works fine BTW. He just 'fixes' things by throwing money at problems. But... I DID find out why he doesn't use one of the vacuums we already have by talking it through. He used our current second vacuum ONCE on the day he bought it. While I was pregnant he wanted a lightweight vacuum so I wouldn't have to carry the one we keep upstairs up and down. Our townhouse is two levels. Anyhow, he use it ONE Time Only and ended up knocking over and breaking a lamp. Now he just doesn't ever vacuum. I guess he got traumatized. So now he's buying a super pricy cordless vacuum and at least I know why. Still I asked him to buy me a $10 push broom while he's at it. I want it to clean the garage so I can do my fitness in there while DH is out at work. I've been wanting it for months so I think it's a fair compromise.
Our Walmart (Porter Ranch, Los Angeles, California) shut down for "cleaning." With regards to COVID: We [as a nation] have demonstrated the outcome when a patchwork of half-hearted strategies are used. Wonder how different the outcome would have been with a consistent directive.
Jan 15: Had spent winter break planning to teach remotely. Got a last minute change in schedule. Now teaching an in-person lab class. Tiny bit more pay. Lot more COVID risk. Possibly less prep for teaching. Possibly less grading time. Definitely more contact hours (time away from LO). Childcare now more complicated.
Researching how and where to get COVID test. Talking with colleague about how to handle if a student gets sick. His answer: Nobody got sick last semester. Yeah sorry. The # of cases is 4x higher than the last surge over the summer and 10x higher than baseline so I anticipate someone testing positive. What if it's me?
I find it irresponsible to not have a plan in place and in the syllabus for what we'll do if any of us test positive. Gonna call my insurance and ask how many tests are covered. If I can, I will get myself tested weekly. If our sports players and elected officials can get daily tests, I can too.
Trying to stay positive. Trying to get information. Don't know when I can get vaccination. We're dispensing Tier 1 now, which is health care workers and seniors. Tier 2 is teachers. They're saying seniors have to wait until February at least. I will likely be interacting with students in-person before then.
I know we will be wearing masks and social distancing. It will be my job to ensure everyone (all 8 students) stay in compliance. It's hard to do lab work in glasses, goggles and a mask. I know: whaaaaa. <sarcastic crying, playing tiny violin> I know Healthcare workers have to wear lots of PPE these days. I just need to adjust my thoughts. I was not planning for this.
I taught a lab last semester but it was virtual. I wore all the PPE so I know I can do it. But I wasn't looking after the students in person. It is hard to get them to keep their goggles on in non-COVID times. They always complain that their goggles fog up. Just imagine how much worse it will be with masks. Ugh.
Jan 20: Had a Zoom work meeting yesterday. My colleague who has 3 kids pointed out again that my LO is the perfect age to be in quarantine. As opposed to her school-age kids which are driving her crazy. While this might be true, it's just so unhelpful to play pain Olympics. I love staying home with LO. I'm sorry her kids stress her out. I hate that she aggressively compares her experience to mine. Moms with older kids will never know what we who gave birth right when lockdown started have experienced.
This post-holiday surge in COVID-19 cases has my mom second-guessing her trip to be here for LO's 1st bday. Fine. I don't want her getting sick. But it's a FUCKING LONG GRIEVING PROCESS for us parents of pandemic babies. We lost a lot and continue to have our joy stolen with each milestone. I am getting renewal notices from stuff we signed up for like museums, parks and zoo memberships. I dreamed of taking the baby on outings. We paid those memberships and didn't use them once. Seeing the renewals is another reminder of what could have been. We are learning quietly about extended family members who have died of COVID-19. We continue to quarantine. I just can't get excited about inauguration day because it feels like a different figurehead but Pandora's box is already open. It doesn't solve the immediate problems.
I know some of my panic is because 1 in 3 people in my county are infected. I start in-person teaching next month. I only have 8 students in the classroom but that means 3 of us might be infected at any given time. They are opening up a vaccination drive-thru on campus but only people over age 65 are invited to sign up at this time. There's probably no way I will be immunized before I begin teaching. Gah. Sorry for the rant. On a positive note... I did a Zoom workout on Saturday with the lady who was my fitness instructor while I was pregnant in pre-COVID times when we did in-person workouts. She remembered me and got to see LO through Zoom. It was cute. She did a nice meditation at the end of the workout.
Jan 21: For the nails 💅 morning is better than evening. It's so bad here I do like just the index finger on both hands then wait until the next feeding. Then do just the middle finger on both hands. Like that until I eventually get to all fingers.
Jan 22: I wish for a solid skin care routine. I feel at a complete loss. It's not a priority. With working part-time (10.5 contact hours + grading & prep) and caring for LO full-time, it is enough that I shower every other day. But my skin on my face is suffering and I need a total reprogram. I just don't have the energy after making decisions about LO all day. I did get a facial roller for myself after meditating on my goals for the new year. A friend sent me a night serum. So I guess I'm on my way, but I just have to get all the way in. When I was teaching full-time at a prestigious liberal arts college, I was expected to look a certain way. I had a vanity set up in my bedroom and took great pride in keeping up my appearance. That was 8 years ago. On a positive note, I had a craving yesterday for a maxi-dress. My friend sent me one in the mail about a month ago. I put it on and tapped into my mother goddess energy. I put LO in a ring sling and felt like an Instagram model.
Jan 23: My friend told me her husband didn't get good at "dadding" until their kid was 4 or 5 years old. Maybe the long view is something to look forward to. I know I get so resentful when I feel all the feelings. I rarely get a break and my husband's specialty is supervising naps (so he can sleep too). He rarely initiates LO's meals. But, when our babies aren't babies anymore, maybe our DHs will be able to watch them for longer periods of time. I know we still BF so I'm needed every 2 hours or so.
I am WEARY today. Tired to the bone. Crying for no reason tired. Classes start in 2 days. Feeling fine about it. I must have faith that we'll figure out a new routine. Maybe it's the emotional hangover from inauguration week. Maybe it's because LO is clingy, teething and up at all hours of the night nursing. I am so grateful to Mashup Mom for a weekly meal plan. I did a bunch of cooking early this week and then ate leftovers. I did get a bit sad that I'm not losing weight, but it isn't my main priority right now. Put photos in LO's baby book for months 9 and 10. Also crawling and standing milestones. No birthday plans for LO. I guess we'll play it by ear with where we're at with vaccinations and community spread at that time. Sad but better safe than sorry.
Jan 26: My department gave me a third class to teach at 6:37pm on Saturday. Class starts in 75 minutes and I'm mostly ready. But dang! That was some last minute $&!#.
Jan 28: Our wedding anniversary is in March and I just asked DH if there's anything he wants to do. We will have been married 13 years if we make it 2 more months. I feel my identity is "mom" now and also "teacher" because I'm working. It seems like "wife" comes last (or not at all). DH was like... isn't it enough that we're doing our part to propagate our species by raising LO? What do you want, to lock ourselves in the bathroom and get freaky for 20 minutes? I'm like... No thank you. But I am a little jealous of all the pregnancy announcements. Glad some of us are getting lucky. We are staying home because of the pandemic, so going out to celebrate is not an option.
Jan 30: Thanks to a recommendation from one of you all I got arch supports in mid-October. I pushed through workouts despite a lot of foot pain. Gradually my feet got stronger. Now I can exercise (and everything else) without arch supports. I also started taking collagen in my morning coffee in mid-November. Can't say for sure it's working, but I am much stronger. I still feel pain in my knees but I probably just need to stretch more. In September I started weekly meal planning. Mid-November I started following Mashup Mom and shopping at Aldi. It has reduced my stress and provided healthy food for my family. Another brilliant recommendation from this group. As a scientist, I would love to know cause and effect. But in terms of health, a holistic approach is not focused on one variable or one outcome. On the whole I feel better.
I totally want one of these. we're using this piece of crap right now. I have it wrapped in a sheet but it's not comfortable.
