I think part of the problem is that I had an overachieving mom and my husband had a somewhat absent dad. So my expectations for myself are high while his expectations for himself are very low. He feels it is perfectly acceptable to spend 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes in the evening interacting with our son. The thought of reading a book is something he balks at, he avoids changing clothes, he doesn't want to take the kid in and out of his carseat, he doesn't put food on the table, initiate learning activities, do crafts, help with hygiene... the list of things he will do is very short. Naps or watch TV.
I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. Like, I enjoy spending time with my kid and I believe that developmentally it's still better for him to be with his mama than for him to be in daycare. This is only a gut feeling, I'm not basing it on any sort of data or scientific study. I'm just basing it on how I feel and the vibes I get from kiddo.
That being said, we just got a report stating that he does not have a severe enough speech delay to qualify for extended services through regional center. He does have an IEP and he will get extra lessons from the public school system. But only during the school year. I do feel under qualified to help him with this. And I'm torn. It's like some people think it's all gonna work itself out and other people think he has a severe delay. I used to believe he would catch up and just be fine but I feel differently now. I feel it is a problem now and it may continue to be a problem next year.
Not that having a 100% normal average kid is the goal. It's not. Nor do I feel my kid should be exceptional. But I worry... am I enough as a parent? Am I doing enough? Last summer I just didn't worry about it but this summer feels different. The pressure to do potty training hinges on his ability to communicate. I used to think that loving him was enough and the most important thing. But now I feel obligated to do flashcards and read books and also I feel like my co-parent isn't taking part in this responsibility. Not to mention all the other things like cooking. Cleaning. Shopping. Inventory.
And add to all this: we were sick last week, kiddo and me. I tried to communicate that I was struggling and that it was a hard week. I tried asking for help. Daddy didn't help but mommy and kiddo survived. I initiated the Teledoc appointment. I picked up the prescription. Now daddy is sick and it's a national emergency. He can't help at all now that he's sick. It is not fair.
I know men and women aren't built the same but right now I am fed up with the way DH can arrive home from work, watch 3 hours of TV, not lift a finger around the house. He expects me to prepare all meals and serve it to him in his armchair. All the while our 3-year old is annoyingly buzzing around me and I don't get a break 24/7. I have to do everything with the kid. Phone calls, sleeping, cooking, cleaning, reading, playing. We are inseparable.
Yes, I know I could do better at carving out time for myself. And maybe that's what I must resolve to do. Or just expect 0% help from my partner and then be delighted when he loads the dishwasher once a year.
I don't want to dwell on anger and resentment. I am having a moms beach day with my friend who is sadly moving to another state. It will be the summer solstice. I hope we have a great day and that nobody gets hurt. No ER visits. Please. Amen.
