I get disgruntled when I promise myself time and then it gets taken away. So I guess I would be happier if I just resigned to the fact that I do not own my time, nor will I ever.
I thought it would be fine hosting Thanksgiving because I would have 3 days to get ready and to do my chiropractor appointment and to do some self care. Well as the universe tends to do, a fever came over my child. Now mind you it was only 1 degree, but I know when my kid isn't feeling well.
So I had him home with me. And took him to my chiropractor appointment. And to my other errands. I am enjoying being a mom. Don't get me wrong. We got a lot done. More than I thought we would. He was more helpful than I could have imagined. He was a big help and cheerleader. He didn't complain (much).
Why am I so pissed right now? Well several reasons.
1) I am hungry
2) I am angry
3) I am lonely
4) I am tired
I don't think I ate enough these last few days. I was so focused on cooking for my family that I forgot to prepare food for myself. I didn't focus on my needs.
Looking back at my text thread it was a series of texts that went from me to him with no reply. Like asking for information but then didn't get any response. Me remembering things, planning, coordinating, caregiving and not getting information or support back. Like having a conversation with a concrete wall. Just cinder blocks. An echo chamber.
Should we go to the pot luck? Did you remember his birthday? Did you hide the Christmas gift? Is there anything else we need from the store? We got gas. We got cash. We got groceries. We cooked the food. We moved the furniture. We did the laundry. We talked to your mom. We need help organizing the snacks (but you have a phone call so you can't help). We need help cleaning the bathrooms (but you're too tired so you can't help). We cooked more food. We did more dishes. We took out the trash and recycling. We cleaned the walls and windows. We need help cleaning the table, countertops, and floors (but you're not feeling like you want to do that so you can't help). We asked you to help set the table and you flat out said no. Then you had the AUDACITY to ask when we are meeting with your mother tomorrow. Like hello from planet Earth where we live together. Where have you been, outer space? I am not a slave.
Then to add insult to injury... my son asks to breastfeed and I told him no because I was seething mad. I was laying quietly in bed because I had teeth whitening strips on. The kid decided to willingly sleep with his dad because mom's milk factory was offline for one night.
Now, granted, I am in perimenopause. Nobody wants to hear about this. It's like even less relatable than extended breastfeeding. My husband can't even give a crumb of interest in this topic. Yet it is the reason, or at least one reason, why I am fuming right now. But it's much easier to write me off as being an unreasonable bitch.
All because I said my needs and boundaries outloud. I said I was upset because he never asked what I needed help with. I said I needed 90 minutes alone tomorrow to (1) run for 1 hour and (2) shower and shave my legs. Then I stated that I WOULD NOT be picking up anything else off the floor. Not one more thing. If he leaves his dirty socks or shorts or underwear or shoes there, they will stay there for the rest of the day, whether guests are over or not. I won't be washing any more dishes, countertops, sinks, toilets or anything else. I will be responsible for my OWN BODY. And that is all. I will be showered and dressed and fed and ready to go by 8am. I don't want to be responsible for anything else.
I had to beg for help from my husband with placing and organizing the snack station. He helped me for 10 minutes. I was already at the point where I felt that making another decision would make me cry. The mental load of deciding what this family needs in terms of seating, nutrition, clothing, convenience, entertainment, creative supplies, etc. It really wore me out. Watching my son play with Play-Doh and kinetic sand while I was trying to clean the house took a special kind of tolerance for chaos. Cleaning and cooking with help from a little one is a special kind of stress. I want to encourage kiddo to participate but also there are some things that are counterproductive. And it's hard to be a perfect parent all the time. I got tired and cranky from time to time.
I feel that I have born an unfair share of the mental load leading up to this Thanksgiving and maybe that's why we don't host often. I am having anxiety knowing my father in law will definitely be coming into my en suite bathroom that has not been cleaned. But I delegated that task and I can't do it. I am literally at the end of my energy and time.
Then to top it off, dear husband goes to bed saying, "is there anything else you want to say." Which is neither an acknowledgement nor a gratitude. I told him I wanted accolades. I wanted to be celebrated for making the house look great. In the process, I torpedoed our relationship. I am just so beside myself. Maybe I should go rollerskating.
P.S. I can still hear my heartbeat inside my ears. It sounds like someone is bouncing a basketball in the alley outside my window. But it's just me, existing.
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