Race Report: Holiday Half Marathon

Yeah so it's been a rough quarter. I've been flying by the seat of my pants since returning from Europe. Like treading water in a choppy sea, I have been breathing in bursts and wearing myself out just trying to stay afloat. To top it all off, I signed up for a half-marathon the week I returned from Europe and didn't really train for it (unless you count one 9 mile walk/run last month).

So I would first like to say that the course was achingly beautiful with stunning views of the the LA County Fairgrounds, Fairplex Horse Racing Park, Auto Club Raceway, Puddingstone Lake, Bonelli Regional Park, surrounded by the Glendora Foothills and San Gabriel Mountains. Whew! The first 8 miles totally flew by while I ran in the midst of such amazing scenery.

Some of the thoughts I had during the race:

Mile 3: Everyone has to run their own race. You can't go at someone else's pace. To enjoy the experience to the fullest extent, you must look nowhere else but inside yourself for direction.

Mile 6-8: Jingle bell, Jingle bell, Jingle bell rock... Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose... Up on the housetop reindeer paws, out jumps good old Santa Claus...

Mile 8-10: I left, I left, I left my shoe in Tombouctou with fifty holes and a bucket of glue 'cause I thought it was right, right, right for my blister, whoop-de-da

Mile 11: I can still finish in 2:22, why are my legs not working, oh yeah cause I didn't train! Just put one foot in front of the other. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9…98-99-100-1-2-3-4…98-99-100…

Mile 13: FINALLY!

So you can see that as my glucose levels dropped, the profoundness of my thoughts did too. I am so happy I signed up for this event. I feel totally enlivened by the experience. And it didn't hurt to share it with 3 of the most awesome ladies in my life right now.

Trying to Become Grounded

This (long) weekend was devoted to becoming grounded. I had felt myself, since returning from Europe, becoming less and less grounded. I felt reality slipping away from me again, anxiety returning like a toxic fog to cloud my clear judgement.

Feeling connected (physically and spiritually) to the earth is essential in maintaining groundedness. I planted a small garden last weekend for therapy, but it wasn't enough. I haven't been giving myself the mental or temporal space to carry out daily grounding rituals.

There were many helpful suggestions online for ways to regain groundedness. Some involved breathing exercises and meditation, mental self-talk or handwritten journaling, hard physical exertion or prayer, cooking or baking especially with root vegetables, yoga or aromatherapy, getting organized or cleaning, even wearing red to invoke the root chakra. My favorite suggestion is to sit at a pottery wheel, but I don't have one of those.

I think the hardest thing for me is to sit in this uncomfortable and unbalanced position and not beat myself up over and over about not being able to get out of it. I have already tried the things above and I still feel crazy and ungrounded. Maybe this feeling will last until my dissertation is submitted and I know where I will be heading for my first post-doc.

I'm noticing that over the past two years I've been using workouts as a metric for self-esteem. Mileage proved something to me. It was a source of strength and inspiration to myself that I could ride (or run) so many miles and burn so many calories per month to eventually reach this state of health. Now I need to shift my focus to pages of dissertation written and papers published and cover letters written and interviews successfully completed. It's mind-boggling.

Sometimes I feel like academia is so burdened with these metrics of success that the state of health of the individual is compromised in the effort. I feel pressured by competition to produce tangible outputs of this academic exercise. But when I googled "define: academic" I got some scary results.

• "marked by a narrow focus on or display of learning especially its trivial aspects"
• "hypothetical or theoretical and not expected to produce an immediate or practical result"
• "having no practical importance"
• "belonging...conforming to set rules and traditions"
• "orthodoxy...of a scholastic variety"

Is this the source of my unbalancing anxiety? The culmination of a degree that involved large personal sacrifices, which may or may not be worth the paper it is printed on... Not to mention that at the moment (or at least averaged over the past 6 months) I have been experiencing financial tension, household disarray, and family conflict.

But I am working on becoming grounded. As Erica Heinz says on HuffPo, "Feel the strength and security in your legs and hips. You're a part of the Earth, you're fully supported." Like a plant must grow its root system to support an upward reaching shoot, I am working to stabilize my current life situation, drawing strength from the ground up.

Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs)

Sitting here in lab, as usual, I have drugs on the brain. Literally I have been pouring over current literature in an effort to understand the inner workings of the human mind.

The brain houses billions of cells called neurons. Neurons possess electrical activity because they contain charged molecules (ions). When one neuron is stimulated (presynaptic neuron), it releases ions, which carry an electrical signal from one neuron to the next (postsynaptic neuron). Neurons function in networks, connected chemically or functionally. A single neuron may communicate with many other neurons. Sensory experiences trigger electrical activity in neural networks.

There are small and large molecules involved in neural networks. Some small molecules are shown below, while large molecules (proteins) are shown in cartoon representation above. A natural small molecule signal (made by the body) is Serotonin. It is a well-known contributor to feelings of well-being.

The antidepressant selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) Paxil and Lexapro bind to the monoamine transporter, blocking the mechanism by which serotonin is normally recycled by the presynaptic neuron. The recreational drug Ecstasy sneaks into the neuron through the monoamine transporter, then inhibits the vesicular monoamine transporter (VMAT), resulting in increased Serotonin available for signaling.

Over $400M annual revenue is generated by sales of Lexapro (Lundbeck) while Paxil (GlaxoSmithKline) generates over $800 M. It is interesting to view these molecular structures and think about their similarity and promiscuity. The idea of network interference and stimulation is interesting. Each of these molecules has multiple targets involving cross-talk and transport. Science is only beginning to understand all the inner workings of the mind. But money talks. Should I get a job in the pharma industry? I've always had an interest in unraveling brain chemistry, signaling cascades, metabolism and transport, etc.

Strangely enough, my dear husband is so focused on his work with membrane proteins. Maybe we have a little cross-talk of our own in the research arena. Shown at left is a monoamine transporter (shown in color) in complex with an antidepressant drug (small black structure in center/bottom). If this large coiled structure is unwound (represented below), you would see that it sits in the membrane of the neuron with transmembrane helices and other intra- and extra-cellular domains. The areas of the protein which give specificity to its small-molecule interaction are shown in color.

Finally, I would like to throw a shout out to our friends in Temecula, Leonard and Marcia Bustin who hosted us for a lovely dinner on Sunday. Leonard is in the process of blogging about wine. As always, we had a stimulating conversation over a nourishing meal. We love you guys!

Citrus Heritage Run ~ Race Report

This race was amazing for a ton of reasons. First, it was my first 10K. Second, my dear husband agreed to run it with me despite the dry heat (it was ~65°F when we started and below 75°F when we finished). Third, I love supporting the city of Riverside. Fourth, the idea that we are celebrating the Citrus Heritage makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

It was funny because (as usual) we didn't pre-register for the race, although I have been informed by my husband that in the future we WILL pre-register, so we arrived only 15 minutes before the start of the race and had to get registered and pay the entry fees in a short amount of time. We got our free t-shirts and goodie bags and ran back to stash them in the car. We heard the announcer start the race so we ran from the parking garage to the starting line to begin our timing chips.

PRO: There were water stops so conveniently spaced, plenty of happy volunteers!

CON: I didn't like the part where we ran along Van Buren, personally I would prefer to run through the citrus fields more (see http://www.mapmyride.com/user/united-states/ca/san-diego/fb.kayk.679 to see the course and to browse my training log).

PRO: The part where we ran along Victoria was *magical*

PRO: Fellow competitors from the Riverside Road Runners club (http://www.riversideroadrunners.com/) in our pace group helped provide stability and conversation while enjoying the new route and scenery.

Last year, we finished the 5K in 37:30 while this year we finished the 10K in 1:04:44 so I think that shows a great improvement in pace and distance! And there's nuthin' betta' than finishin' togetha'. For real.

Falling in love (again)

Well today is the first day of fall. And it's almost full moon again. And classes are starting. Very auspicious. So it is time to set some plans in motion.

First, I must map out my strategy to complete my PhD. Luckily, I will have the help and support of my committee. And my husband. And friends.

Next, I should be sending out some applications for jobs. Again, I am not alone in this endeavor and I have faith that I will find something great.

To these ends, I also have to involve myself in some activities to help me maintain my sanity. I have tentatively planned to enter a couple races. I am tempted to try my first triathlon, but something (or should I say someone, Ronly to be specific) tells me to wait.

I have to give Ronly a moment here... since the first time we started running together, my life has changed and I count myself lucky to have had contact with such an amazing and generous woman. Last night we bid our dear IGERT coordinator adieu and she is on to better things, which she fully deserves. We'll miss her.

I named this post "falling in love (again)" because I am now back here in Riverside and I remember why I loved it so much. I am with my husband and doggies again, and I love them more than anything. I have a job that I love doing. I love that Riverside blooms in the spring and again in the "fall spring" as one of the campus grounds-crew explained to me. I guess that's it!

There's no place like home

Today I drove to the beach. Only to walk in its presence. I have always wanted to live by the beach, so it seems silly to avoid it when I am living so close.

Being on internship, then returning home, I am learning more about myself and what it means to be me. I carry the values of my upbringing in Nebraska: independence, agriculture, and patience in hard-work. I also represent the qualities established by my training as a scientist: communication, documentation, sharing and exchange of thoughts, iteration of experiments, demonstrating solutions to problems, planning and comparing trends. I am also a young woman with qualities such as: caring, providing encouragement, and possessing the drive to nurture things around me. As far as being an American goes, I think there are lots of different people in the US. We are generally friendly, optimistic, energetic, self-confident, and open to cultural-borrowing, so it is not a surprise that I found myself conveying these traits.

I weighed myself today. 65 kilos. Oh, I mean 141 lbs. According to NationMaster.com, 30.6% of Americans are obese, compared to 14.8% in the Czech Republic, 12.9% in Germany, and 8.5% in Italy. For comparison, 14.1% is the average for all countries. I entered my weight into the www.halls.md/ Better Ideal Body Weight Calculator, and it says I should lose 4 more pounds to fit within medically recommended limits and 20 more pounds to fit the average weight that other people of my Age, Height, Weight and Gender would describe as their ideal weight. This is to say that the latter is unrealistic and based on society's pressures. My friend from China says that the ideal weight for Chinese women is under 100 lbs (45 kilos), for which I would have to lose 40 more pounds. She said that people her age are so weak, but this is considered a desirable trait in women of their culture.

I am grateful to live in a country where I have the opportunity to pursue a career in science, although for various reasons, the path follows a leaky pipeline model. Women who are on track to becoming scientists drop off at every stage of the game, for whatever reason, from elementary school, through doctorate, postdoc, and career steps. In my personal opinion, women in this country may be awarded fancy fellowships (such as my own IGERT funding), but they still face sexual harassment in professional situations. This much is clear to me through my own personal experience and anecdotes from my colleagues. If that doesn't stop a woman, she may feel the pressure to prolong child-rearing, so as to convey the message that she will be a permanent worker and not desert her work in favor of family and child-rearing. If she does bear children, she is not guaranteed paid maternity leave, nor does there seem to be viable child-care options for returning to work. Finally, if that doesn't frighten her off, she is forced to exist in an environment where men believe that there is a gender disparity in science because there are more men at the very upper end of the IQ scale than there are women. Men think women don't enjoy "exploring" as much as men do. This is simply bullshit and in my case, this is what angers me most and actually motivates me to "hang in there" as long as possible before I leak out of the pipeline.

This situation is in sharp contrast for me, coming back from Germany, who is one of the most liberal as far as accepting women's competency as scientists. As early as 1650, there were a larger percentage of women astronomers in Germany than we have in the upper ranks of academia here in the US. They also seem to have a streamlined childcare system (no doubt a remnant of communism) where it is considered totally normal for a woman my age to be allowed a year to raise an infant and return to work without penalty. As for me, I have babies on the brain... I have no idea how I will personally manage the proverbial balance between work and family. I guess time will tell...

the Dog Days are over

The sunny summer heat in Germany has given way to crisp fall air and cold rainshowers. My biking time has grown shorter corresponding to our day length. I am totally missing my cycling club in Riverside, there is a meeting tonight and they are riding at the LA Velodrome tomorrow. My bike here is not fixed, nor is it good for off-roading, but it is PERFECT as a grocery-getter.

Fortunately, I have found a nice group of crazy American running buddies. I've called our pack the ICE Runners. ICE=Institute for Chemical Ecology. We ran last Thursday in the rain and this Tuesday I totally crapped out and slept late instead of enjoying the morning run-shower. Tomorrow is another day and I WILL run rain or shine since it is my last time running with my new friend Evan. My Nike+ wristband is totally useless for web-interfacing but still records mileage and pace. It's at 69 miles right now. My shoes have fallen to less than $1 per mile, so I can say that they have been worth the investment.

mein hobby ist fahrad fahren

Greetings from across the pond! I have had many cycling adventures here in Europe. I've been here a month already. My English is starting to deteriorate but my Deutsche is improving. My hair is growing back, already it is as long as it was in November '09 before I shaved it all off in January '10.

I don't have much to bitch about today unless you count the heat and the separation from my family and friends. This experience has taught me a lot about attachment to objects and connection to people and the ability to generate ideas. The attachment to objects is superficial, for example, your objects can be stolen from you or you can be separated from them as I am now. It seems accumulation of possessions only sets one up for a big loss or a tough time moving. Connections to people are important and tie us to our humanness, but they can only enrich one's life so far. Only when one's self-concept is aligned can he or she be happy and free. Reliance on people for one's sanity is dangerous because those people can also be removed from one's life by distance or death.

But the ability to generate ideas is something that has not yet been taken away from me. At least I am still able to expand my mind and make new neural connections. Barring a head injury or neurodegenerative disease, I should be able to take these things with me for the rest of my life. I've been thinking a lot about why I am on this internship and I am still trying to make heads or tails of it. Spending time and energy on one's career is interesting because it's an uncertain investment, but if we aren't investing in ourselves than what can we believe in these days?

I (virtually) made it!

Well, my fantasy a couple years ago was to venture out on a cross-country bike trip when I finish school. According to Google Maps (bicycle beta version) the trip from San Diego, CA to the White House in Washington, D.C. is 2,908 miles. I've ridden in the past year and a half 3,146.04 mi. So if I had left a year ago, I would have made it by now.

My husband has already told me that this trip is NOT going to happen. He thinks I am completely nuts for even suggesting that it COULD happen. I told him the only way to PREVENT it from happening is to get me pregnant. If I have endless doctor appointments, then I can't be riding from city to city and sometimes in the middle of nowhere.

I had thought this would be a monumental trip. Something that could provide material for a book. I've just finished reading EAT, PRAY, LOVE by Elizabeth Gilbert. Totally inspirational!

Singing for Summer

Even though it's only Memorial Day Weekend, I feel this is the beginning of summer. We helped open the family pool yesterday. The days are already longer. Hello, sunrise at 5:40am and sunset not until 7:55pm. Over 14h of daylight. I've been thinking about my Arabidopsis plants and how they are on a 16h light 8h dark schedule, beginning around 7:30am and ending around 11:30pm. This explains my work schedule. I feel if Arabidopsis is working 16 hour days making molecules for me, I should be keeping busy too.

I'm getting ready to attend a conference on plant adaptations to low oxygen environments. My research has been using the model plant Arabidopsis, one of the first 3 organisms to have its genome sequenced. It will be interesting to show my work to the other attendees at this conference, who come from a wide cross-section of scientific disciplines with the goal of addressing a specific scientific problem and who work with a wider diversity of plants (some adapted to grow in low-oxygen environments and some of agricultural importance). My friend Takeshi Fukao (http://genomics.ucr.edu/news/news-details.php?id=41) told me that the conference attendees will be mainly ecologists (who study life and interactions between lifeforms within ecosystems) and agronomists (who develop plants for specific purposes including food, fuel, feed and fiber). As I'm writing this now, I am supposed to be working on a poster summarizing my research project... later, right?

I'll be flying into Tuscany for sightseeing June 14-20, then attending the conference in Volterra June 20-25, then traveling to the rolling plains of central Germany (Thuringia) to work at a research institute specializing in the study of plant-insect communication. I hope to rent or buy a bicycle over there and see the areas better that way. I'm looking forward to being situated in a world-leading research center while I continue my doctoral studies. The Saale river, which bends along the east side of Jena, has cut high limestone cliffs into the landscape and supports nearby wine growing regions.

How do I feel right now? Well I feel loved and supported. I've just had visits with my sister Karly for adventures, my mom for Mother's Day, and my friend Cheri for her birthday. My husband and doggies are here right now with me, so I can't complain. There's so much to do and so little time, yet I have all the time I need. I feel I could do so many more experiments, but that's where skill comes in. Knowing one's priorities is priceless.

"Science and art belong to the whole world, and before them vanish the barriers of nationality." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Next blog post, I swear, I will write about the integral membrane protein called human serotonin transporter (SERT) and the small molecules that bind to it.

Spring has Sprung!

Many changes take place in spring. Weather patterns change. Daylight savings time shifts our working hours to accommodate the sun. Our family is changing, but I suppose that the only thing that never changes is that things are always changing.

Biking time is my favorite time of day. The way I can productively reward myself is related to biking. Time spent on the bike. Only problem is that I worried about overtraining. So I added running into the mix. Still love biking best though.

Trying to get into daily affirmations. Trying to maintain this weight. Trying to be more positive. Trying to leave more free room in my schedule, with daily priority tasks that "must get done" and other than that priority, worrying less.

Like a bulldog chasing a cat

So it seems I've been called out as having a Type A habit. What does that mean exactly? Well it generally means I have a desire to do everything, quickly, better than anyone else ever has, and perfectly. Why? Because I can, and it's important, and I need to do it before someone else does, and because it will prove to everyone that I am a worthwhile human being. At least that's how Carol Lankton (a marriage and family therapist for 28 years) describes what's been going on inside my head. My cycling buddy says I ride like a bulldog chasing a cat. I hoped I was the cat in that simile, but unfortunately not. Can't I be a poodle instead of a bulldog?

The problem is that while Type A personality is correlated with assertiveness and sturdy work ethic, it is also commonly combined with anxiety/depression and tends to alienate friends and family. Researchers speculate that this may happen because society tends to shun and isolate competitive, hard-driving women, even as it encourages men with the same traits. That's why I say "I'm a grrrrrrl." Luckily my she-wolf companions (my doggies and running partners) don't mind being dominated. Call me a bitch if you like, but I'm still standing. And running. And biking.