Apr 2: I want to vomit when I hear "it takes a village" to raise a LO. I feel so isolated and alone when it comes to caring for this child. Everyone who offered to babysit or shower this kid with hugs and kisses has vanished into thin air, except my mom who lives 2000 miles away and can only visit for a week at a time (0m, 6m, 12m). Sorry to shout into the void but I do recall some other family members who offered help until this freaking pandemic stole that joy.
I'm especially salty because my mom, dad, aunt, uncle, 2 sisters are getting together for Easter this weekend. They all live within driving distance of each other. I am a plane ride away. I wish we could join them. My aunt who lives in the state is quarantining so hard but plans to visit after her 2nd jab and post vaccine rest period. Village...
It's definitely something to consider. I have summer off. We have some job flexibility due to COVID. DH is "on call" and I teach 2 of 3 classes from home. But there are some times we are both needed. And we don't have anyone we can call in a pinch.
Apr 5: First we were saying Noooooo to things. Just now started shaking head no. Not yet pointing or saying what we want, but definitely so sure about what we don't want. LOL
Apr 6: Before baby: spill something on shirt... this shirt is ruined!
After baby: green bean puree, spit up, quinoa, bread crumbs... yeah I think I can teach in this. I'll just throw on a scarf.
I was faced with the choice: a. nap with LO b. write a letter of rec c. do regular work or d. listen to professional development webinar... I feel so frustrated that I can't do all of the things. My husband came home so crabby too. I just wanted to hand the baby off and get something done but we had to get into an argument and then I had to nurse the baby to sleep. I can just hear my husband saying, "but it was your idea to breastfeed." I was watching LO all day, all week, in addition to my job, which I'm having trouble keeping up with. LO is having such a hard time, he spit up all his lunch. I find this so disheartening when he's not being a great eater as it is. I let him out of my sight for just a second so I don't know if he put something in his mouth that made him gag and spit up or if he just spit up on his own for no particular reason. Phew. Just so tired.
Apr 7: Empty spice containers are legit Albert's favorite toy. The plastic ones from Aldi. They have some spice remaining, or at least the smell.
Apr 8: Our LO is happy in his play yard at home, especially if DH or myself are in there with him and the pack'n'play is guaranteed to cause nonstop whining. Although we were out this weekend and LO wanted to be in the pack'n'play because it was a safe space. We were at a gathering of 15 adults, all unfamiliar to LO. So we got about 1 hour of quiet independent play out of having it there.
Apr 8: Thick cucumber slices were a big hit this week.
LO is still vomiting most times after eating anything with texture. Like oatmeal. He does well with Arrowroot biscuits and that's about it.
He likes tasting what I'm eating. Hamburger bun. Tortilla. Piecrust. Bagel. Milk-soaked cheerios.
We play a game now where I take a bite of whatever I'm eating, then give him the spoon. He takes a pretend bite and then gives the spoon back to me. He's showing signs of wanting to feed himself but when I give him the bowl, it gets tossed on the floor and makes a big mess. But I see progress!
Apr 10: I get tired of asking DH if LO has been fed. When the baby is whiny I'm like, well let's see, when did he eat last? Could he be hungry? When we're both around, it seems like feeding falls to me. Which makes sense because we still breastfeed but we also do solids 3x per day at 8am, 12pm and 5pm. It's like I'm the only one who remembers this.
Apr 12: I was feeling so uninspired to get work done that I did some major procrastination over the weekend. On the plus side, we got some things done around the house that have been bothering me and DH. But on the minus side, I couldn't find my wallet this morning and had to rush out of the house without washing my hair, brushing my teeth, changing out of my PJs. Not good. I just threw everything in the stroller and I will have some personal care time in about an hour.
Apr 13: I think the thing I miss most is going to work. Having a coffee at my desk. Having all my stuff there. Working the 9-5. I felt like a boss at my desk. I had a simple, streamlined routine. I felt like I owned myself and I took pride in my work.
Parenting during this pandemic has been a level of chaos I didn't see coming. Teachers teaching hyflex or strictly synchronous virtual have a level of stress that was not present during in-person instruction. I'm a teacher. My husband is a staff member who supports teachers.
Every day is a rollercoaster of "who's watching the baby?" because I have a block schedule but sometimes it's virtual and sometimes it's in person from week to week. My husband coordinates deliveries and the delivery drivers are on strike so they've hired scabs that don't call ahead of time and don't know the routes and this has been going on for a month.
I miss just going to work and having a full workday with fewer surprises and less juggling baby.
Apr 16: Been waiting all week to share this... I think we may have turned a corner. About a month ago I started sharing whatever I was eating with LO. Mainly carbs like a hamburger bun, a tortilla, English muffin. Bit by bit he is getting less and less of a gag reflex.
I tried giving him Cherrios 1.5 months ago and he would gag and throw up his entire meal. It was so discouraging! But this week has been the best yet in terms of expanding the range of stuff he has eaten without gagging.
He was loving the cheese and peas from [these](https://www.mashupmom.com/keema-inspired-ground-beef-quesadillas/) quesadillas. We shared a no-fuss lunch of [these](https://www.mashupmom.com/turkey-taco-stuffed-sweet-potatoes/) sweet potatoes.
I'm sure it's not all sunshine and rainbows going forward, but it feels like there has been a significant shift and I am so relieved. I have been dreading "feeding solids time" ever since LO was 4 months old. Sharing the same food is infinitely more enjoyable and way less stressful.
Apr 24: We bid adieu to some items from the past at a Buy Nothing event this morning. Our beloved road bicycles and some clothes that don't fit anymore. It's a new chapter... parenthood, pandemic, eventually we will be post-pandemic... kiddo is growing up so fast. It was an outdoor, social distancing, masked event. Good to meet other local parents, to see what's coming in the next 5 years. Swap clothes, toys, books, stories. I wish I had known about the Buy Nothing Project before my pregnancy. I bought so many things that I could've gotten for free. Also scored a Lenny Lamb toddler carrier on my local babywearing Buy-Sell-Trade group because bebe is getting so long in the torso. He's fully wearing 2T clothes.
Do I need an onbuhimo? My LO pulls my hair in back carry. Is that something they eventually grow out of doing? It's getting really dangerous babywearing in the kitchen because LO lunges for all shiny objects, whether a measuring cup or a knife. Or the handle of a hot saucepan.
Apr 26: I used to try to force feed LO a certain quantity of food but recently I realized it's my job to offer food but LO's job to decide how much to eat. I used to think LO only cried for a reason, then I thought he whined constantly for no reason, and now I think he is whining for a reason again.
I wish I could post more often but I can hold on to a thought for about 3 seconds. Usually that's not long enough to post it. Hahaha.
First steps (walking). Just a few per day but more and more each day since. First pulled to stand Dec 6. Hands-free standing since Feb 12. Lots of cruising and first steps observed Apr 24.
Apr 27: DH pointed out that spring semester has been 33% of LO's life. 💔💔💔😭😭😭 I hate trying to balance work and toddler care. It started by me saying, LO is a different person now than he was at the beginning of the semester.
LO hands me the phone and I make or cancel or confirm fake appointments. Funny game. He cracks up.
Apr 28: When discussing the cute sounds our kid makes, DH mentioned that hearing "mom" must be so wonderful for me. I said that I could do with hearing it about 100x fewer per day. He said "well then stop breastfeeding." A. that's not a good enough reason to stop. B. the behavior will continue even if not BF. and C. why is that dad's Go-To comeback? It's hurtful to me.
Wondering when it's time to make a change. The difficulty is knowing whether the change will actually improve the situation or make it worse. When it's already a struggle, it's hard to make that leap of faith.
I am so tired I feel like there's no way I can get up tomorrow and do this again.
I had a "night out" last Thursday. 1 hour massage followed by a paint-along. I was away from LO for 5 hours. I worry that if I take a break from being a mom, I won't want to start doing it again.
Had a blowout with DH about feeding LO tonight. I feel like we eventually came to an understanding. I know he's trying to help. I am vicious and ferocious and territorial and tenacious and protective. One could argue these are mom instincts. One could also argue these are unnecessary in civilized society. We are no longer cave-dwellers.
Read two reviews of "Mom Genes" by Abigail Tucker. I empathize with her POV.
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