We watched "Nursery University" a 2008 film about getting your toddler into preschool. It was eye-opening. I have a dream to send LO to the on campus child development lab when he's old enough, but with COVID I never put him on the wait list. I doubt they are open and don't know when they will reopen.
I know our University will be continuing virtual instruction for Fall 2021 but I don't know my teaching schedule yet. A good friend with two younger kids might be moving in nearby soon. I don't know how she would feel about watching LO. It's so hard to plan!
LO is becoming an adventurous and successful eater. Thank goodness and adios purees. He's been a champion gainer, staying around average weight for his age, despite lots of spitting up, thanks to lots of on demand breastfeeding.
It's a lot of work to anticipate how much to offer and have it ready. My meal prep game is about to have another adjustment. I feel like LO is always screaming about one thing or another. He wants to do things he's not mastered yet. He needs my help and attention so often. His molars are shifting again. Is he also hungry?
LO is walking but not more than 7 steps or so. His determination is inspiring. He reaches out for things but does not point yet.
4 May: Scrolling instead of sleeping. Wishing I weren't so hungry. Can I sneak away for a snack?
5 May: Asleep at 8-9pm. Feeds at 10:30pm and 3am. Wake & feed at 5:30am then back asleep until 7:30am. That's a typical night around here.
6 May: I'm also at a loss. We were using flour sack towels with covers and I am looking to switch to maybe prefolds? I have a set of fitteds and a set of pockets and some AIOs but I'm worried about rash from non-cotton fabric and/or leaks/blowouts. Just trying to make it to summer break where I'll have more time to experiment and heat to air-dry things.
Went to IKEA today with LO for the first time. We only made it 25% of the way through the showroom then took a shortcut to the family restroom. Washed hands. Ate in the cafeteria. LO enjoyed salmon, meatballs, broccoli, carrots, lingonberries, mac & cheese, garlic bread. He was so good. It was our first indoor dining. The tables were really spread out and they cleaned everything a lot between customers. We had to leave a phone number, for contact tracing? There were table numbers and assigned seats. It was daytime on a weekday (off peak) so not crowded at all. It wasn't normal. No coffee bar. But it was really nice.
7 May: Sometimes I wish I were still pumping. It's pretty satisfying to see the milk. It was great to have DH do some of the feeding. Good for you for investing in your comfort and success. I was just thinking about getting new running shoes. But I was like, "I'm not a runner." But then I was like, "I might get back into running if I had better shoes." So that's kinda the same, right? I think your story just convinced me to get new running shoes.
Edit to add: I fantasize about going back to EP especially when LO is going through a biting phase, like he is now. But last we checked (which was 9 months ago) LO wouldn't take a bottle. Do you use cups now? I'm kinda scared to put breastmilk in a straw cup because won't it be hard to clean? Also my LO throws everything on the floor. Not a big deal with water.
I am so thirsty like I was right when my milk first came in. LO is chewing my nipples and it is so exhausting with the hair pulling, scratching, screaming and tantrums.
Watched "The Incredibles" on Disney+ and totally cried at how the mom was so protective of her children. She literally threw herself between the kids and danger over and over again throughout the movie. I get it now.
Put LO in the kitchen helper a.k.a. learning tower. He almost fell out the back but caught himself with his hands on the siderails. It was exciting. But scary.
Bought two used nursing tops sight unseen that were listed as XL-XXL and they fit VERY tight. That put me in a tailspin of body image demons. I guess it's my fault for buying used and not shopping based on my measurements.
Thanks to someone in the Facebook group who posted [this podcast](https://slate.com/podcasts/mom-and-dad-are-fighting/2021/05/slates-parenting-podcast-bickering-grandparents). It was so soothing to hear our experience described like that. Really put into words some of the angst I've been feeling.
8 May: I gotta say nothing trips my mom rage circuit like DH saying "you look tired" to LO less than 1 hour after a nap. It's so frustrating to listen to DH try to get LO to sleep when LO isn't tired. I want to slap DH and say, "the baby's not tired, you're tired, and so am I, but one of us needs to watch LO until he is *actually* tired." But I don't say that.
My aunt came over this morning for 2.5 hours. It was so short. I feel worse than before. But at least DH cleaned the bathroom before our guest arrived. I gotta say we clean less often when nobody ever comes over. So now I'm back to being stressed and depressed but in a clean house.
I guess I'm sad because it was so short. Like what we need is real help. But this was a really quick show & tell. We were on our best behavior.
This aunt promised pre-COVID to come down, stay with us, cook for us, for like a 2 week period. I love my aunt, more like a sister and I so desperately wanted that time with her.
Today's visit felt like eating a single green pea when I wanted a 3-course meal. It's the last week of the semester. I have so much work to do. I could use help. Now. But for lots of reasons, she's not available and she gave us all that she could.
I'm just mourning what COVID took from us (again).
10 May: We are nodding our head YES now. So cute. No was one of our first words. There has been lots of NO. But it seems "affirmative" is coming online now. Mandarins, yes! Favorite toys, yes! Mommy figures out what I wanted her to do and she does it, YES!
12 May: Got all happy because our campus offered a Zoom class for toddlers age 1.10 years and up. Guaranteed a spot in on-campus day care when things open back up. Emailed them to join. Found out that 1.10 means 1 year 10 months. Not 1 year + 36.5 days. Oops my bad.
14 May: Yesterday was...a day. I teach 3 classes at the University. I would prefer to teach 0 classes and SAHM but my husband does the finances and says I should keep working. Somehow he doesn't remember that there are other duties involved in teaching that aren't actual lecturing like writing exams and grading student work.
I wanted to finish writing an exam to share with students on Thursday morning. The computer I use for zoom teaching and all WFH is corralled inside a double super play yard gate so I don't have to watch LO constantly and I can work while he plays when it's just the two of us. So Wednesday evening DH thought it would be the perfect time to take down the play yard and let LO have full access to the kitchen, dining room, and living room. I had a bit of a meltdown and asked him to put it back.
Thursday DH agrees to call off work to watch LO while I finish up writing the exam. It's so hard to write exams now that students can Google everything. I have to be even more creative than before and Google everything myself to make sure the questions are unique. I have the test workout and multiple choice so I have to come up with 4-5 wrong answers for each question. DH seems to think it should only take an hour and we got into a pretty big standoff yesterday.
It ended up with me raising my voice and saying, "if you want me to continue working, you have to give me time to do actual work." Taking the baby during my lectures is the absolute minimum. There is lots to be done before and after class. I have been squeaking by but sometimes when it comes to a task that needs my full attention, I just can't have the baby nearby.
Things got better after I made that comment. DH began to see it from my perspective. Don't know yet what we're going to do when Fall classes resume. It seems things are starting to open up. Our university has changed more classes from virtual to in-person just in the last week. I shared my embarrassing blunder with the on-campus childcare program earlier this week, so now I know that's not an option until Spring 2022.
DH is staff and he's been "on call' since the start of lockdown. Our boss has demanded that staff resume their usual full-time in-person hours in fall so I guess we will come up with a solution by then. Looking forward to a summer of less stress.
I am not the best at being transparent with my time needs. I could do better at asking and telling. Having a baby certainly exposes these things.
LO calls the dog, Edna, by the sound "Naah." It's real. They share ALL meals.
LO wakes up crying at night or from a nap. Sometimes he whimpers in his sleep. I always blame the teeth.
16 May: This weekend was very healing. I feel like I just came up for air after having been under water near drowning since about mid-February. I was scrolling through my photos and it seems like Valentine's day was ages ago. It seems like I have been struggling ever since then.
I don't know if my kid is going to keep getting cuter. If so, I don't think my heart can handle it. When I go back and look at pictures from a year or 11 months ago, that baby was cute and he is definitely the same person I know today, but he is so much more adorable now. I am so grateful I survived the semester and I can spend my time more unscheduled for the summer.
I do have some goals, like to keep doing meal planning and prepping. To keep up with my fitness and playdates, whether virtual or in person. I hope I can complete some sewing projects. Switch up my cloth diaper routine. Raise some vegetables in the garden. Bicycling, hiking, running, swimming with LO. Visit the zoo. Visit the beach. Maybe read a book?
For the CD reprogram, I was using FSTs and covers with Velcro. But I think I want to switch to pockets with snaps? Last time I tried using pockets, the synthetic fiber caused a rash. But I've had the genius idea to use the cotton burp cloths as a protective layer closest to LO's skin. The Velcro was starting to pop loose due to LO's increased mobility?
18 May: Gifting some music boxes from my godparents to others in my community through Buy Nothing. These gifts have so much negative karma attached. It makes me feel toxic just thinking about it. Every year on my birthday, my wealthy godparents would gift me an impractical, fragile, not-for-kids music box made of porcelain. I had a floating shelf in my bedroom at my parents house that would display these 'treasures.' As you can imagine, each year the merchandise got heavier and heavier. One year, in the middle of the night after my birthday, the shelf fell off the wall. All the music boxes fell down on me and rolled on to the floor and broke. My mom, who was routinely verbally abusive, started yelling and crying, sobbing and clawing at me. She stayed up all night gluing those figurines back together. She blamed me for the shelf falling down. I was maybe 12 or 13 years old. I didn't know how the shelf was mounted.
Fast forward to now. My mom came out for LO's 1st bday. My sister has a baby 7 months younger than my LO so I send her all our hand-me-downs. My mom brought a suitcase for this purpose. Instead of bringing it out empty, she filled it with all these freaking broken @$$ music boxes and left them here when she went back home.
When I look at them, all I can remember is feeling shame. Also, how much I hated being a "girly-girl." They are all like ballerinas and pink and princesses and one plays the song "someday my prince will come." I understand that it's Disney and some people love that, but I was a very tomboyish girl. I went out on my own at age 18 and didn't meet my husband until I was 26. I don't subscribe to the idea of being rescued. I hate the way our society genders kids and starts piling on expectations. Pink = girl. Blegh.
Anyway I am getting rid of them and hopefully that bad karma too. Family heirlooms are so fraught with conflict. My mom kept them because she somehow thought I could sell them for money since they came from my wealthy godparents. But they aren't worth much. I will be glad to see them go. I had to share this somewhere because I don't want to attach this story to the objects when I pass them on.
23 May: It's finally the end of the semester. Ran a 5k today with LO in the jogging stroller and hubs running alongside. My fellow fit4moms were chatting afterwards and our group leader told me about one of her acquaintances who committed suicide leaving behind a 7 month old and another older child.
She said that it's why she keeps the group going, so that it is there for new moms who may or may not be struggling. I definitely logged on every day when I was not working to see other humans (moms and kiddos) and maintain sanity. She said that when you think you're the only one going through a tough time with LO or DH, it can be a struggle. Even if you don't share what you're going through, it's good to hear that you're not alone.
So I wanted to share that with this group too. It's great that we can all give product recommendations and talk about milestones. But also, I appreciate just checking in every day and seeing that there are other moms out there doing their thing, whatever it is. Love you all.
25 May: DH and I have different boundaries in mind for LO. I prefer to childproof to the extent that the entire house is a 'yes' space. DH is less comfortable allowing LO to get into things and make a mess. I don't know what we're going to do to get on the same page.
Our LO is obsessed with trash cans at the moment. Yesterday we found our shoes hidden inside the (thankfully clean and empty) cloth diaper receptacle. Now I have to watch to make sure good stuff doesn't accidentally end up in the bin.
27 May: Excuse me while I have all the feels about gifting our foam floor tiles (which I hate) and our pop up jumper (which I love) that our LO has outgrown. I felt like this about the swing when he outgrew that too. 😭😭😭
I kinda feel like the padding was more helpful for MY knees while playing on the floor. As soon as we opened up the baby gates, LO was falling all over the fake-wood laminate and he's fine. I'm still pretty hesitant about our concrete patio but I'm gonna put down a [extra large single piece ](https://www.walmart.com/ip/Babies-Play-mat-playmat-Baby-mat-Folding-Extra-Large-Thick-Foam-Crawling-playmats-Reversible-Waterproof-Portable-playmat-for-Babies/801451846) mat.
28 May: Tried our first applesauce pouch last weekend. It was a hit. Ordered reusable pouches and they arrived yesterday. LO enjoyed applesauce from the pouch last night at dinner. This is a big relief because mealtime was so stressful. LO no longer allows us to spoon feed him. He wants to be independent. Sometimes he will take a loaded fork but not always. Now I have a way to help him enjoy purees and yogurt and stuff like that again.
30 May: We took our LO on public transportation for the first time yesterday as a test run for a cross-country plane ride maybe sometime this summer. Here's what we packed: Umbrella stroller, Yoga mat strap, Cotopaxi backpack, Pouch with fruit, Peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, Water, Hats, Sunscreen, Long-sleeved shirts, Diapers, Wipes, Changing pad, Change of clothes for LO, infant Tylenol, 4 toys (2 soft, 2 wristlets), Phone charger. We used everything we brought.
We parked our car at the train station around 9am. LO was in the Ergo carrier. Bought our tickets and waited about 10 minutes to board. DH carried the stroller and backpack. LO was awake, alert and quiet on the train. I wore him as we made our transfer to a bus. He ate and slept on the 40 min ride. After we got off the bus, LO went in the stroller and we adults ate some takeaway food. This was around 11am.
We visited with my cousin at his apartment for 3 hours. I drank about 2 Liters of water and chased LO around. LO drank some water, ate some fruit puree from a pouch and we did 2 diaper changes. We left around 2pm. LO was getting pretty fussy. I put him back in the Ergo. We waited a bit for the bus. LO ate and slept again on the bus ride.
We arrived at the subway around 3pm. We could've taken a short subway ride and a long bus ride and got back to the car by 4:30 OR take a long subway ride and wait a bit then a faster train and get back to the car at 5pm. We chose option 2 because of restroom availability. LO snuggled with me in the carrier on the long subway ride.
We used the restroom and ate our sandwiches at the train station. None of the restaurants are open. We boarded the train a bit early and our BIG MISTAKE was that we let LO walk a bit while the train was not moving. It was hard to get him to settle back down once we were moving. Thankfully we put Cocomelon on the YouTube on my phone and that settled him back down until we got back to our car.
Apologies for the long post, but I wanted to share these insights for my future self and anyone who is flying with their LO soon. I was impressed with how happy LO was to be in the carrier for so many hours. It felt great also to have him in the stroller when my shoulders and back needed a break.
I'm glad we brought our lightweight stroller for easy maneuverability. Some of the sidewalks had ADA violations, like poles in the middle of the sidewalk, so it was great to have a narrow footprint. I hung the carrier on the handlebars of the umbrella stroller and that was handy. At other times, I wore the backpack with the carrier over it on my back and that was fine too. It was nice to have a carrier with a zip pocket to easily and securely store my wallet, phone, tickets and one little toy.
31 May: We clap now.
DH was off work today so he was "watching" LO while I did a Zoom workout. Naturally LO was dressed in a Memorial Day outfit: red, white and blue. Usually I keep a close eye on LO or wear him during my workouts because DH is usually at work. Today dad was in charge.
About 20 minutes into the workout, I hear crying. According to DH, the kiddo had jammed his face into his learning tower. Was dad watching? Don't know. Blood is pouring out of LO's mouth. All over the red & white shirt. I am so angry. Not about the shirt but because I feel like I chase LO around ALL. THE. TIME. DH is more casual and scrolls on his phone a lot. I feel like I've lost trust in DH. And I'm scared LO ripped his upper lip and what if he won't eat today.
I am so tired of being the one who keeps track of when it's time for LO to eat, what should he eat, do we have enough of that food, etc. It's not that complicated. 8am, noon, 5pm are meals. There are suggestions on the fridge for what to feed. It's like DH has no concept of time when it comes to this.
DH was pretty offended when I got upset. He said... wait until LO gets hurt or is bleeding while you're watching him. I am very hovery. I mean I hover around and redirect a lot. It's exhausting but I can't stand seeing LO hurt. And what if he can't eat now for a while? I have to calm down and forgive but I'm struggling.
The other day I proposed a schedule like "I will supervise LO between the hours of X and Y, if you supervise LO during the hours of A and B." DH became very defensive and said that parenting is 50/50 and we can both be responsible for watching LO all the time. I guess we have different definitions of "watching" so maybe that's what we need to discuss. Gahhh!!!
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