hungry heart

I don't always get a chance to write when the spark of inspiration strikes. More often I get a moment of clarity and then my 3-year old starts screaming for something and my insight vanishes like a drop of water on the Arizona asphalt. But for now, I wanted to write about the bittersweet return to school. Academia as a career gives me a break every summer and winter. So I do get to step back from my job duties and into my stay at home mom (SAHM) fantasy.

This morning we went to the grocery store to fill the fridge with healthy stuff after it was clear that Hurricane Hilary was no longer a threat. We bought a few things to continue cooking our way through my Disneyland favorites cookbook. It's been such a wonderful summer project.

I got halfway through the things I wanted to sew and then my sewing machine locked up. I haven't been able to fix it myself so I just packed it up and promised myself I would come back to it later. Albert has enough clothes and I can hand sew the rest of the name tags in to his pants and t-shirts. I kind of like doing it by hand anyway. It feels more intentional.

This week we have faculty meetings. I spent the morning doing laundry, dishes, meal planning and doing stuff related to post hurricane. I dumped out all the standing water to prevent mosquitoes. I put the patio umbrellas back up. I re-hung the shade on our garden window.

Saturday night, when I realized we had to cancel our Disneyland plans, I was so sad, I cried myself to sleep. It wasn't just the trip though. It was the stress of the transition from summer to fall. Letting go of all the summer expectations and milestones and to-dos that didn't get done. We had an amazing summer, to be sure. But now it's over.

I listened to "The Retrievals" podcast and relived some of our IVF journey. I looked back at photos from the day we decided to do it, to the week we actually started treatment, to the months between retrieval and transfer, to the early middle and late months of pregnancy. We got rid of the leftover medical supplies this past weekend and it was so freeing. I made my husband help because I needed a witness and I felt like it shouldn't be just my burden. He was there for all the injections, so he should help with disposal of the leftovers. I needed a witness to help observe that the process of disposal was labyrinthine and impersonal and confusing. But for me it was a reminder that we needed help making our son, that he wasn't the direct product of lovemaking, but instead we required a ton of interventions. It was a lot to process actually.

We got a power hub for our Sactional on the 1-year anniversary of buying it. Got a wireless phone charger. Got two more Kitchenaid attachments: Citrus Juicer and Masticating Juicer. Made spinach and kale and apple juice at home. It was yummy and fun. Got a Sous Vide and the accessories. I loved the chicken and I am planning to try it with pork ribs tonight. We love and use our kitchen gadgets so much.

I titled this post Hungry Heart because it perfectly describes the angst I'm feeling right now. I want time and space away from my family but at the same time I crave intimacy with them. I guess that is why they call it "quality time" and why "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I think you can yearn for an idealistic memory of a place, person or experience. Sometimes, as we found at Disneyland, the real thing is crowded, uncomfortable, and stressful. I think that's how parenthood can be too. I feel touched out quite a bit and am somewhat able to tune out the whining, screaming, biting, hitting, throwing and kicking but not all of it. I don't think my kid has any behavioral problem, it's just typical 3-year old "big feelings" or when he is "overtired." But I know I'll miss him when I go back to work because he can be incredibly sweet too.