December 2021 thoughts

12/3 - Tried oatmeal today, toddler did not enjoy. Hey, they serve it at daycare and it's easy to make so I thought it was worth a shot. He is good with utensils and can self feed stuff like applesauce, cottage cheese, chia pudding.

The other day my husband asked me, "what's wrong with your face? Is that a rash?" Ummm no. It's "I have a busy toddler, I don't get to shower often enough, my hormones have been jacked up since giving birth and I haven't had the time or money to correct my skincare." Am I wrong?

I just dropped another wad of cash on a baby carrier. Anyone else into Toddler carrying? It's like I'm addicted to buying this stuff. I can't stop myself from thinking about it. I used an Ergo and a Lillebaby SSC until my kid didn't fit. His upper half of his torso was above the top of the panel so he was at risk of falling out. I got the baby Ergo for free and the baby Lille on sale for $37. I got a ring sling for $40.

Fast forward to now. I got a Wildbird double-linen sling for $95 around LO's 1st birthday. I got a toddler Lenny Lamb SSC for $50 the following month. I got a toddler Tula SSC in October for $85. And now a toddler Lillebaby SSC for $75. I justify it because we still breastfeed. My kid likes being worn. It's a good core workout for me. And I will pass along the baby carriers more willingly when I know I have the Toddler-sized replacements. Maybe I'm just trying to hold on to the snuggles for as long as possible knowing I will never have a 2nd baby.

I would love to continue using the baby sized Ergo but my kid is strangely tall. I'm not tall. I wear him while working out sometimes so I need him to be seated comfortably and deeply. I do this to be strong enough to wear him hiking. I got Deuter and Kelty hiking backpacks. To be fair, I live in Los Angeles and we have several huge consignment sales as well as an active Facebook marketplace so I get lots of things used. Like 20-50% of full price (50-80% off). And I also feel like the pandemic caused me to spend on things instead of experiences. Because for so long, we weren't allowed to go anywhere or see anyone.

I got to go to a babywearing meet-up (the 1st in-person since the start of the pandemic). It was so good to reconnect with the babywearing educator who fit us for our first Lille carrier when I was still pregnant in Jan 2020. The fit-check reassured me that my kid is in need of the Toddler-sized carrier. He wears 3T clothes and size 8 shoes now.

The tip I got was to tighten up the shoulder straps on the top when back-carrying, then let them out if kiddo is eating in front. There's an adjustment on Toddler carriers that doesn't exist on baby ones and it was a mystery to me when I transitioned. Not sure if that is clear. It's on top of the shoulder pad, not in your armpit.

Being a working mom is like trying to run up a hill with a parachute and bungee cords wrapped around you. I keep trying to get up that hill, despite all the forces acting against me. And I have to repeat this insanity day after day, week after week. But with modifications! And optimization!

I was induced on my due date. Ended up with so many interventions and an unplanned C-section. Make sure you have VERY patient support people. My mom was with me and she thought it would be a 4-hour process. My husband as well. After 22-hours I wanted to toss both of those bozos out the window and labor alone. Also my OB was MIA. There were lots of stressful factors. In the end I felt like I gave up. Wish I had hired a doula.

12/7 - Remember when we thought if we got vaccinated we wouldn't have to wear masks? haha. I wish that were true. I wish my LO could be vaccinated against COVID-19. I'm going back to in-person teaching for all my classes next semester which means I'll be lecturing to a group of ~80 people while wearing a mask. And LO will turn 2 and he'll have to start wearing a mask in public. This is the pandemic that keeps giving. I know decades from now, we will look back on this time and it will seem brief, but for right now it is dragging on.

I explain infertility to people like going through puberty again. I can't know exactly what it was like for anyone else, of course. I think I stayed on progesterone for the first 10 weeks after my FET. I still have extra syringes and hormones stashed in my closet that I need to figure out how to safely dispose of.

For me, my son was born March 2020. We retrieved 14 eggs that became 4 embryos that were PGS tested, 1 euploid, 1 FET and that's our kiddo. I think I was so traumatized by infertility that I didn't really prepare for parenthood. I took 10 weeks of birth classes, infant CPR, breastfeeding class and a hospital L&D tour but also I thought there was a possibility that I would not end up with a live baby.

So I wasn't planning to formula feed or breastfeed. Luckily my BFF sent me a box with a ton of bottles, nipples, lids, tubing, valves, pacifiers, etc. I opened it one time before my son was born and had a tiny panic attack then closed it back up. Thankfully my mom stayed with us for 10 days around my son's birthday. She helped us get all set up with a bottle washing station and workflow.

I ended up with an unplanned C-section after laboring for 22 hours by induction at 40 weeks. The trauma of all that was something else and my son didn't latch for 7 weeks. If I has known I would still be breastfeeding at 21 months, I might never have started. The hospital insisted that we have several months supply of formula before they would discharge us. Maybe they were worried about COVID-related shortages or maybe they do that to everyone. I don't know.

If you have additional embryos, which I didn't, you may appreciate the freedom to do your next FET without having to wean. I support your decision to formula-feed and I wish you the best. Some days I wish my body was my own. Even though my kid can eat and drink other stuff, I am still responsible for night wake-ups and several times a day for 30 min daytime feeds. We nurse to sleep and cosleep for naps and bedtime.

12/9 - LO has an ear infection, but we got antibiotics at urgent care. Alternating Tylenol and Motrin to reduce fever and relieve pain. Last day of teaching for the semester. Amen.

12/10 - My mom says I created a monster by letting LO cosleep. I'm kinda anxious because I haven't had a great relationship with my mom. This baby (now toddler) has given us a common interest, so I don't tell her when stuff she says is hurtful.

I don't mind cosleeping. It's a great way to slow down and enjoy chill snuggles. Part of me is wanting to stand up for myself and my parenting choices, but the other part is like, who cares? It's not worth convincing / educating her because it's not like she's gonna have any more kids.

12/12 - Self-Care Sunday - I have one of those garden windows in my kitchen and I rearranged it to accommodate some real candles. It was nice to light them while preparing dinner, since it gets dark so early now. Like a mini-fireplace.

12/13 - Milestone Monday - New word: CoCo. As in CoComelon. New sound: hoot hoot. As in a train whistle. Adorable. 

One week away from the winter solstice and it shows. These days are so short! We decorated our stroller with battery-powered lights (Wheel Brightz) and we had to turn them on around 4:30pm on Saturday. LO is still sick so we're staying home and driving each other crazy.

12/15 - Wondering Wednesday. How to reduce weaponized incompetence in husband? Mine is driving me nuts! LO has been sick for two weeks, daycare won't take him, DH has caught LO's sickness and is acting like he's on death's door. I also have it but I'm doing childcare, meals, housework and my actual paid job.

These are the nights when LO and I are up coughing, we go into the guest bedroom so DH can get a good night's rest. I'm keeping up the medication schedule for LO around the clock. DH plays with LO and says, "my what long nails you have!" But then doesn’t cut them. This is just one example. Other things are snot sucking, diaper changes, meals for LO. Why am I the only parent doing these things?

I wish I had a partner with more energy. We fight constantly about me not sitting down for meals. I'm doing chores! Why does it take me 10 minutes to eat and DH takes 90 minutes? He can't help with things because he's "still eating" or insert other things he does slowly like showering, pooping or reading. Yes, I would like to read for fun. No, I don't have time.

DH doesn't really play with LO. When the 3 of us are home together, DH will be reading on his phone not interacting with LO. So kiddo starts bothering me or doing stuff he's not allowed to do just to get our attention. I can't work like this and I can't hire a babysitter when we're all sick.

I am NOT looking forward to Xmas at MILs because I know I'll be doing all the watching and DH will be relaxing with his family. TLDR: Send advice about training husband.

12/16 - Sometimes I miss the simple joy of tracking LO's sleep, feeds and diapers on Huckleberry. I had a really sweet 6 months with my newborn. It was such a rewarding feeling to get a nap in the sweet spot. I feel like toddlerhood has been kind of a sh*tshow. With daycare colds, one nap days and WFH it's been chaos. I'm looking forward to winter break. A month to rest, reset, play, organize, prioritize, and reconnect.

My spring schedule is tentatively two full (9 hour) days Tues/Thurs 8-5 and two short (2.5 hour) days Mon/Wed evening 5-7:30pm. Anyone want to weigh in on sending LO for 5 half-days or 3 full days? I don't know the price difference. I only know the price goes down when LO turns 2.

12/19 - Self-care Sunday. Meal prepped. 120 g or 170 g chicken per meal. Plus vegetable and a carb. Got more to make (beef and pasta and grilled cheese) but progress is progress.

I have learned over the past few months what encouraged us to eat at home and when we chose to get take-out (even when we had food at home). I haven't quite worked up the motivation to start logging in MyFitnessPal again, but I may.

We got a meal prep service once and it went so well the next week we reused their containers but made the food ourselves. DH suggested alternating like that to get us through to the end of the semester. The meal prep service makes 15 meals for $120. Alternatively you can buy cooked meat or vegetables by the pound, which is cheaper, between $60-80 depending on what you get. But it takes about 2 minutes to buy and less than 30 minutes to pickup.

Before we were doing Mashup Mom which is $65 per week at ALDI. You buy everything, but some items are pre-sliced, pre-washed, etc. It takes about 5 hours to cook everything. Let's say 1 hour for shopping and hauling groceries. But eliminates the time for planning and making a shopping list. And the recipes are different each week. And they are planned so you use everything with no waste.

Then when you want to eat, just turn out the container onto a plate and microwave 2 minutes. I don't put anything in the freezer except burritos. We do breakfast burritos with eggs, cheese and a hash brown patty. We also do meat, beans, cheese and sometimes rice burritos. Sometimes we get the eggs pre-made from our meal prep service. Sometimes we get the rice and meat premade from a grocery store deli.

Mashup mom is designed for you to cook every day but I prefer to do it all on Sunday because dirtying dishes and washing all them and cleaning the kitchen makes me feel ready for the week. It is designed to feed a family of 4. Sometimes we have to throw out what we don’t eat. Since we are a family of 3. Kiddo is a super picky eater so maybe if your LO is more adventurous, you might be able to just offer them what you make for the adults.

Mashup Mom (https://www.mashupmom.com/) is free. Our meal prep service is called Fitlicious (https://fitliciousmealprep.com/) and it's a local business. They focus on food for gym rats, like bodybuilding, so you might be able to find something like that in your area if you start looking at a gym. [ The containers (http://50-Pack Meal Prep Plastic Microwavable Food Containers For Meal Prepping With Lids 28 oz. 1 Compartment Black Rectangular Reusable Storage Lunch Boxes -BPA-Free Food Grade -Freezer & Dishwasher Safe https://www.amazon.com/dp/B079M174TQ/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_g_VSDFXBZ21JHEG5H0EFYD) you could get from Amazon. They stack really small when you aren't using them and become pretty compact in the fridge. I use a kitchen scale to weigh the meat.

Trying to clear clutter since MIL and BIL are coming here mid-week to celebrate DH's birthday. Praying we are all healthy by then.

12/20 - Milestone Monday! New phrase: my doggie.

12/21 - Bought cheese fondue for DH's birthday. He's too sick to eat. Went for a COVID test and now we wait. Birthday party canceled.

Me (falling asleep last night): my new years resolution is to spend less money. No more toys. No more clothes.

Me (waking up this morning): I deserve a spa day because my bathtub is too small for a proper soak. I better get LO a Hanna Andersson pj in the next size up. I want to go to Disneyland with LO and DH. I want to go to IKEA and buy more stuff to organize the house. 🤣

12/24 - Holy crap. Is it almost Christmas? LO started running a fever on Dec 3rd and he has been sick since then. It's like the entire month of December didn't happen. DH and myself have been sick too. Every time I think we're getting better, we get worse again. DH tested negative for COVID but we have been staying home anyway. SIL and MIL are sick too (independently of us) so our family Christmas get-together has been tentatively rebranded as a new year party. Fingers crossed that we are all well by the middle of next week.

I am legitimately running out of ideas for activities. When I'm feeling well, I pride myself on my programming. I plan lots of things to do to keep the family busy and not bored and bickering. But I'm not feeling very energetic and I am happy our LO seems to be getting his energy back. But he is ahead of DH and myself. We got this from daycare so LO had it first. It's hard seeing the family lacking stuff to do but I just can't right now. And it's raining outside.

12/25 - We walked a couple miles in Anaheim. Passed through Downtown Disney. It was in between rain storms so there were very few people. Went to SIL's and played with wooden blocks for 4 hours. LO took a sling nap and then woke up hangry. We made some noodles to go and let kiddo eat on the way home. All in all, it was 1000x better than I imagined.

Oh that wonderful moment when family members asked if we're going to have another child... we explained why not. Then they asked why we can't just have one "the natural way." Then they asked why we don't want to go through IVF again. It's understandable that they want to ask these questions, but so painful for me to answer. 💔

12/26 - This holiday my SIL said the ring sling was smart, as opposed to Thanksgiving when MIL called my SSC, "that contraption." We will see MIL for a NYE or New Year's Day event, so there's still a possibility of hostility, but yesterday we had a lot of fun with SIL and LO's cousins who are 18 and 20 years old.

Trying to decide what to do today. LO was up at 4am because he fell asleep last night at 6pm. I've already made strawberry Jell-O and chocolate Jell-O pudding, breakfast, and a load of laundry is in the wash. Usually we pickup our meal prep service OR do grocery shopping and a week's worth of cooking. Strange that DH doesn't want to cook today. I guess we are just getting over being sick.

Trying to decide if it's worth it to drive 1h to the beach for a walk, stroll or bike ride. We have a cargo bike that I am in love with. But the weather is cold and it might rain. And we could do a walk, stroll or bike ride in our neighborhood without the 1h drive.

12/27 - Counting. When moving stuff from one area to another he counts in an exaggerated slow sing-song voice. He's not saying actual numbers but the intent is there. Same for doing laps across the house. He lines up. Looks to us. Barks a countdown like 3-2-1-go and then starts running. Then he turns around, does the countdown and runs back. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Just noticed this last night during a zoom call. LO was showing off for his grandparents.

12/31 - Two nightmares last night. 1st was going somewhere with a group and having to keep everyone together. It was five adults but I kept losing everyone. Why was it my responsibility to keep track of these other adults? No idea, but probably I was carrying residual stress from going to the science museum with DH and LO yesterday. 

2nd dream, I was attending a conference. Giving a talk. Wrangling luggage. Had LO with me. Couldn't do everything. Couldn't check in to hotel, couldn't find the room for my talk. Kept dropping stuff. Not enough hands. Stuff was heavy. Didn't have slides prepared. No babysitter. Clock was counting down until my presentation time. Thought I could still make it. Missed my talk. Time ran out. So stressful.

It may not seem baby-related but I think it was. Tomorrow we will see MIL and SIL even though FIL has COVID. I don't understand this. DH says if we get it, we'll be healthy by the time classes start on Jan 24th. I'm so conflicted. I just found out 1 hour ago. Kinda freaking out.

We have been staying home since Dec 8th. To be healthy for Christmas. But FIL was sick on Christmas so we didn't see them. This is a do-over. But I have no actual medical assurance that FIL is healthy. They are vaccinated but not boosted. I don't believe a negative COVID test has been done. He was positive on 12/26 but is "feeling better" now.

Thank goodness we modified our get together to a walk outside. No dining. No indoors.

Mom hack: Johnson's Baby Shampoo is a pretty good face wash.

November 2021 thoughts

 11/1 - Putting LO in daycare tomorrow for the first time. Pray for us.

11/2 - Daycare drop-off on LO's 1st ever time away from parents went well. I left him at 8am and picked him back up at noon. I cried and have a migraine from the stress. The daycare said LO did great. Phew. What a relief.

I hope they don't think we are total weirdos for starting with half days, but I'm just not ready to let LO try to nap somewhere else. I want to do some short days so that LO becomes confident we'll come back to get him. He's good with routines, so I'm gonna try a few weeks of synchronization of his routine at home with the routine at daycare.

11/3 -  I am starting to let go. The last thing I want is to stifle my LO's development by keeping him too close to me. We took our baby set off the Tripp Trapp, which means no straps. We've had several falls with him climbing all over it. But I still haven't put the straps back on because I think he's just exploring it and he'll learn how to get up and down with practice. So if you're ready for all that, go ahead and go booster seat.

Has anyone coined a term for the work-from-home-no-childcare mom (or parent) yet? I did finally send my LO to daycare, and it has been so hard for me to adjust. The house is so quiet. I have my autonomy back. I have my brain back. I can shower alone. But I feel like half my body is gone. I somehow miss the constant demands for attention. I can't stop talking to myself. I don't know if I should be making an OB appointment to get on some kind of antidepressant or antipsychotic medication. I know it will continue to evolve, and we're just doing half-days at daycare, but right now my heart is full of big feelings.

11/7 - I spent about an hour on the foam roller last night and I woke up this morning with no pain in my back, neck, legs and feet. It was glorious. Spent the better part of the day cleaning out the garage. Hubs always wants to have a quiet relaxing weekend. I always want his help doing things I can't do (or don't want to do) alone. This caused some tension but I'm happy because I got (and did) what I wanted. We had great weather for garage work (cool breeze, overcast). LO had fun running around inside the garage and playing with a bunch of new treasures. I was able to part with some items from the past and I aim to go further with decluttering and letting go.

BR: we let some big toys and a stroller go. I have to say this is why I needed my husband's help. I can get sentimentally attached to objects and hang on to them for way longer than necessary. I'm considering getting rid of my cloth diaper stash. Now that LO is in daycare, I don't see us going back to that.

11/8 - Our dog is 14. LO plays & spills the dog food & water multiple times per day. We've explored rehoming the dog but with no strong leads. Now that LO is at daycare, I'm hoping the dog enjoys having the house to herself for at least half days.

11/10 - The strength of my marriage is not tested when all is well and easy. It is testable when things are not good, when we're tired. Thanks parenthood for providing ample opportunity for testing.

11/11 - Is there any regret for NOT having formal photos of LO? I bought a tiny suit in size 18m but never sat LO down all dressed up for a photo. Daycare arranged picture day last week but it was on a Friday and our kiddo only goes Tues, Wed, Thurs. I didn't do a formal Halloween pic. I'm wondering if I will regret this.

It's still so weird with COVID having doubts about being in public. Do I take LO to the mall to sit on Santa's lap or is that creepy and weird? Do I take photos at the beach on some random day? Do I ditch the suit and just move on?

11/16 - I was talking with a colleague yesterday about being a working mom and I came up with an analogy: trying to come up with ideas from my mombrain is like wringing out a dirty dishrag. Let's say a good idea would be clean soapy (productive) water but all it seems I'm getting out of my brain now are dingy dirty gross (not valuable) ideas. Crap, basically. She was like, "it's unreasonable to expect yourself to work at the level you did before kids." And yes, I understand this. But I told her that I need to step down from all unpaid work. For my sanity and because I am not sharing valuable contributions and that stresses me out.

I also realized that by sending LO to daycare for just 12 hours per week, I feel like I got oxygen back into my lungs. Like it resuscitated me. I came back to life. I was drowning. And I feel born again. We're only in week 3. LO had diarrhea last Thursday (when daycare was closed for Veteran's Day) and vomited Thursday night, then been sniffling and whiny all throughout the long weekend so I didn't get as much work done as I had hoped. But LO is back to daycare today. Even though he still has a runny nose, they said I could leave him since he doesn't have a fever.

My printer inexplicably stopped printing and I am frustrated. WFH sucks because I can't call IT and have someone else deal with it and also I don't need it fixed badly enough to actually deal with it myself.

11/21 - We rehomed our dog this week. She has been gone since Wednesday. She went to a SAHM whose son is now in school and she was looking for a companion. Our 14 year old maltipoo is good with our son but was so spoiled that she was barking at us to take her for walks and we just couldn't deal with being barked at constantly. She also stole food out of LO's hand, causing mealtime meltdowns. Our LO was constantly dumping the dog's food and water on the laminate flooring that cannot get wet so that was a challenge. And LO was constantly going out the dog door and playing in the garden and bringing in dirt and rocks, so we would shut the dog door but then the dog would bark. So yeah I'm filing this under self-care. I have had a dog for the past 20 years so it's an adjustment, but LO is a handful so I'm plenty busy as a non-dog-owner.

11/24 - The walk to daycare this morning was eerily quiet. LO pretty much falls asleep immediately in the car, which is great if you plan for it but kinda sucky if you're driving 5 minutes and your LO wakes up permanently if you attempt a transfer.

My LO is firmly against hats. I'm sad because I love hats and have bought him a bunch of them that he refuses to wear.

11/29 - Milestone Monday = Jumping! He first did it when he was watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and they were all jumping. He's been doing it daily since. He does come to my exercise classes with me and has since I was 13 weeks pregnant. So he's seen me jump, squat, lunge and all that. He does baby squats and baby twerks also. I love seeing him have music appreciation.

11/30 - Hate that our daycare only has me listed. I get all notifications and fill out all forms. DH is listed but not authorized to login with his email so he does not receive notifications. I just hate coparenting when the mom is the default for everything. Dad should be equally responsible, notified, informed and authorized.

Also while I'm ranting, we are spending Thanksgiving and Xmas with in-laws. Trying to pin down whether there is a gift exchange. His family is so freaking formal. I just know they will want to have LO open presents and sit down for a meal. Then they get upset that he doesn't understand how to open presents or won't want to play with whatever they buy for him. They have not asked what we want so I hope it's not a plastic annoying monstrosity. Also LO won't make it through a formal dinner. And I will have to chase him around the whole time saying "Don't touch grandma's [insert breakable item on the toddler eye level]." They haven't watched LO even one time since he was born. Ugh.

my mind is a sieve

 My mind is a sieve now, but with really extra large holes so that nothing is retained, everything just slips right on through. Which is a good thing sometimes, I don't get too stressed out over things because I can't dwell on thoughts like I used to. But it's also a bad thing when I need to remember something.

October 2021 Thoughts

Oct 1: DH and I are both so tired we're fighting over LO's night wake-ups. It's got me Googling COVID symptoms timeline because we both woke up with massive headaches. I have been nauseous yesterday & today. I am tired but have no loss of smell or taste. My employer pays for weekly testing so I will swab today. I am hoping it's just an emotional hangover from a tough week. I have a coworker who is bullying me and I finally let my boss know. LO is teething so bad.

Oct 3: Ordered pre-made food for the week instead of cooking. Portioned it out to be grab-and-go. DH got his first haircut at a barbershop since the start of the pandemic, so I didn't have to cut it. Got a new soother toy for LO that I really like. Did a meditation on Friday to ocean sounds and it really helped me get centered. Have a good routine now of working Tues, Wed and Thurs and not working Fri, Sat, Sun, and Mon. Meaning 4 days / week of fitness and naps and letting LO do whatever he wants. And 3 days / week of discipline and structure for LO.

Oct 4: I had a nightmare about tripping over toys. Like there was so much colorful plastic clutter that I couldn't walk through my house. In the dream. When I woke up, it wasn't that bad, but maybe it's my brain telling me to purge more baby toys. Like anything that says up to 18m is going out the door.

I'm very analytical about which toys to keep. I have a list of the toys and their age / height / weight limit. When LO is too old, too big or too heavy, I put the toy on Buy Nothing or send it to my younger sisters who have kids younger than LO. I am having a harder time with clothes because he didn't even wear some of them and the shorts and t-shirts mostly still fit but winter is coming and I'm not sure if 2T will fit next summer.

Oct 13: Why when my husband is mad at me does he punish me by helping out less? While when I get mad at him, I punish him by telling him, "I don't need your help, I can do everything without you."

We should be coming together and offering each other MORE help when we're stressed. Why do we pull away from each other under stress?

Sorry this is a late post but I was wondering it earlier in the week and then I couldn't remember it long enough to post it, but then I remembered it again while talking to my mom this morning.

For example, every time I ask for more help DH gets defensive and starts helping less so I can feel what he is doing to help and see how it feels when he stops helping. But when I'm upset, I pull LO closer to me and try to do everything without DH. I just stonewall. It's so unhelpful and toxic. How can we stop doing this? Are we cursed to repeat the patterns of abuse and neglect that our parents started?

We put a toilet lock on the trashcan to keep LO from throwing toys in the garbage. But he still stashes stuff in the recycling the minute we aren't paying attention. Cheeky monkey.

Oct 18: We took down the baby gates which protected a bookshelf. We'll see how it goes. LO is obsessed with planes, helicopters, trains, buses, ambulances, and firetrucks. And loves barking back at dogs on our walk.

• If you want a nap at 9:30, wake at 5:30. If you want a nap at 10:30, wake at 6:30. If you sleep in until 7:30, expect a nap around 11:30 or noon.
• If you have 1 sleep cycle (45 min) for the am nap, you might get a pm nap between 3 and 5. But be sure to wake before 6pm, otherwise, you will have a late (~10pm) bedtime.
• If you have a one-nap day, you may get an early bedtime (~7pm) which is good if the next morning is an early one. The night sleep is about 10 hours long.

We have been walking for our bedtime routine. Outside in the cool dark city. Start around 7:30. In bed around 8:30. Sometimes fuss or play until 9:30, depending on naps or teething.

Oct 21: Y'all I'm so tired. My neck and back are aching. No amount of apple cider and pumpkin spice latte can make me want to be productive. I got the COVID booster and flu shot on 10/7 so I should be fully protected by now.

I want to put up fall decorations. So far I put lights in the front window. I looked in the garage to see if the boxes were easily accessible. Nope. We have family coming here for Thanksgiving. But dang I am exhausted right now.

I teach from home on Zoom. I babywear during my lectures to keep LO quiet. Seriously he is getting heavy or I am losing core strength. I was working out much more over the summer. Now it's only 3 days per week and I don't really go hard because I'm just too tired.

On the plus side, we started a meal prep service so I don't have to worry about cooking anymore.

Oct 22: We took the baby set off of our Tripp Trapp. LO can climb in and out easily. We adjusted the footrest down so he has an easier time climbing up and his legs are at a 90-degree angle while sitting. We took the front rail off our IKEA Sundvik crib so it's a toddler bed now. I guess I am ready for a change. LO measured 33.5" at his last pediatrician visit which was over a month ago. Size 7 shoes are too small. Walking around in 7's gave LO a bruised toenail. That's how we knew the size 5's were done. I packed up all 2T summer clothes. I took inventory of all 3T clothes that we have. This kid is definitely in a growth phase. He wakes up starving and eats about 4x as much as a few weeks ago. He's still cutting teeth but some have emerged.

I don't know how tomorrow is gonna go. We're seeing MIL after not seeing her since Easter. That's over 200 days or 55% of the year. She is done with her pancreatic cancer treatment and ready to get back to normal life. We're meeting at the Zoo.

Oct 23: Our trip to the Zoo was great. LO pooped on the drive over. We did a tailgate diaper change. Had a snack. Waited in line (we were 45 minutes early). Then walked a lot. LO got candy. All the families were in costumes. We had a picnic lunch and plenty of snacks. LO fell asleep on the tram ride. We ate soft serve ice cream. LO woke up. We left around 2pm. We stayed about 4 hours. The weather was great.

Things got tricky from there. LO blew out his diaper in a way that he had never done before. It was epic and nasty. Then he was kind of a whiny mess for the rest of the day. I ended up doing chores and getting more worn out. The dog wouldn't stop barking. Never figured out why. Thank goddess LO fell asleep easily at 7:30pm. The only problem is I didn't get much to eat and I'm trapped.

Oct 24: Mom's night out on Friday night. Chatted with another IVF mom and it was very good to connect. She's 3 months postpartum and I could see that version of me in the rearview mirror. It made me realize I have come a long way in terms of personal growth and physical healing. I'm glad I went even though I don't drink alcohol. I was worried about missing bedtime and I still nurse LO to sleep, but DH handled it like a champion. LO caught up on feeding throughout the night and in the morning. We sat unmasked on an outdoor patio. We shared appetizers, which felt strange after looooong quarantining. There was a DJ which gave a fun vibe. 5 moms from our fitness group. No husbands, no kids. The last time we did this was 6 months ago.

Oct 26: I'm kinda resentful of the whole "women cheerleading other women" thing. It's a bit toxic. What I mean is I found a bunch of social media accounts devoted to like, "you can have a family and a scientific career and an academic career," you can have it all! It's just nonsense. I am feeling so exhausted and I don't even write grants or keep up appearances to make tenure. I'm a freaking exploited part-timer who is in the trenches teaching day after day, grading papers during every free moment.

I babywear my toddler and plan his whole day around napping during my lecture. Yes, I'm doing it but I'm not all Rah Rah Rah about it. I actually feel like telling women in their 20s and 30s that they can have it all is kind of a false promise. I ended up delaying childbearing until my late 30s and now I have a toddler in my early 40s. I have a good secure job, which I had to work very long and hard to get that job security and I timed the pregnancy to coincide with those benefits kicking in.

If I had taken any time off prior to when I did, I would not have earned my entitlement, which puts me on a 3-year contract instead of semester-by-semester. I had accrued a bunch of sick leave and personal holidays, having never taken a day off, which when combined with summer break got me 6-months of maternity leave. It was glorious.

I think I'd rather follow "get real" type of mom accounts. I watched some YouTube "day in the life" videos of working moms with toddlers because I kind of wanted some solidarity. I mean I love reading what y'all are going through. Thank goodness for this Bumper group. But it was interesting seeing videos of how other women get through the day. We're not freaking supermoms. We're just regular women.

If you know of any "get real" day in the life videos, send me the link. I could use a bit of inspiration. My husband and I got excited about a Ninja coffee maker as if a $150 coffee maker could give us the energy we need to keep up with this kiddo. DH is in his late 40s. But seriously, if you have an amazing coffee routine, share it. I'm talking about a milk frother, espresso, the works! Currently rocking a $20 drip coffee maker with timer and auto-off cause we fancy like that.

I work with my husband and I love it. He is the instrument manager (repairs broken equipment) and I teach the lab class that uses the equipment. We keep each other informed and have offices in separate but adjoining buildings.

I have been slowly unfollowing all baby-related social media but somehow a hashtag popped up on my Twitter that directed me to Instagram and then I started to realize my mistake for following that whole line. In case you are wondering...the hashtags were SciMomJourney and mothersinscience

Oct 27: Albert has a special face to go along with his deviant behavior. It's a smile with a scrunched-up nose and nearly closed eyes. I wish I could get a picture of it, It's soo darn cute. But he only does it when he knows he's doing the opposite of whatever I've asked him to do. And I never have the camera ready to catch it.

Oct 28: When do you get rid of a toy? For example, I have so many things that say 6-36 months. But they are bulky, ugly, and rarely used. I think things that are 6-18 months are clearly good to go. We are "one and done" as far as having kids so I fast-track toys out of the house. I have other toys that are 18 months and up that are still in the closet because there is no room to bring them out. Just wondering if anyone else wants to share their criteria for saving vs rehoming toys. I'm scared to get rid of something that says good up to 3 yrs like he might enjoy it later if I don't get rid of it.

Literally on my last nerve. Frazzled doesn't even begin to cover my state of mind. DH was "watching" LO and "supervising" dinner while I was grading papers and LO falls out of his chair. Bonks head. Screams bloody murder. Productivity gone. Now trapped under sleeping child. I didn't get dinner. LO is in dirty play clothes that he wore to the park.

DH is so clueless about my level of fragility. I wanted to cry a dozen times but I held it together. Didn't get a moment alone all day. We're fighting about sitter vs daycare. I don't see DH taking LO to his work but I get to watch kiddo 24/7 cause I WFH and still breastfeed. Wonder how things would be different if our roles were reversed.

thrashed

 I feel like I'm taking a beating this semester. I feel like I've bent over backwards so many times that I've become a pretzel woman. Just when I think I can't take any more, I have more to deal with and I deal with it. I'm not proud of it. I wish it weren't happening. I don't want to be some kind of wonder woman. I actually want to be able to enjoy my life, do and be less, and be present in the here and now.

What we're doing is juggling our kid back and forth between my husband and I. I have no classes on Monday so I have the kid all day. We go out in the morning to our workout, maybe do some shopping or run other errands, come home and take a nap. I try to knock out some work in the morning and during the nap. I try to knock out a load of dishes and laundry in the morning. The afternoon is kind of a blur with trying to get the kid to eat and maybe preparing dinner or doing a bit more work.

Tuesday is the worst most difficult day of the week. I have the early morning to prepare for classes. I have a morning class that I try to align my son's nap with. Usually it works. Then I have a tiny break to eat lunch and take the kid and dog for a walk. Then I have my afternoon class. Then I have a tiny break, which may involve another nap or at least a rest from Zoom. Then I do office hours and then head out to my night lab. After this day, my neck is killing me and my eyes are burning from all the screen time.

Wednesday I try to do some work, either preparing for class or grading. I have a mid-day lab. I load up the kid in the stroller and walk him over to campus. I drop him off with his dad and then teach my lab. It's a bit stressful because I've never taught this particular lab before so I don't know the details of the procedures or where the equipment is. Thank goodness my kid is conditioned to take in some screen time in the morning so that I can get some work done. He has a capacity for independent play that is a few hours per day. But also thank goodness for the baby carriers and wraps. Getting him to sleep on me allows me to focus and do some good work for an hour or so.

Thursday I have my morning lecture and a midday break. Thursday afternoon I have another lecture. Sometimes my husband is able to come home and sometimes not. Sometimes he tells me he is coming home and sometimes he just shows up at the last minute without letting me know whether he will be coming or not. It's disjointed and unreliable and stressful. Because I do have recordings from last year so if my kid is being unruly or throwing up or having a poopy diaper, I can put on the recording temporarily to get back on track. 

Thursday night I sigh a deep breath and I feel like I can breathe again. I feel like a new person. I can enjoy my son and think about what I need to get done over the weekend and just ignore it.

Friday morning I go to a workout. Saturday morning I go to a workout. Sunday morning I go to a workout. These help unlock the knots in my neck. I'm not trying to be in any kind of great shape. I'm trying to have a community. I'm trying to enjoy some sunshine. I'm trying to have a reason to bring my kid to the park.

We recently tried a meal subscription service and it's been a big help taking grocery shopping, planning, hauling, sorting, washing, chopping and cooking off of my plate. But I definitely feel like I'm not sure we're going to survive this semester. Ok maybe that's being dramatic. We are surviving. We are doing well, somewhat. I'm having a hard time keeping up with work. I've told my husband that I need him to take care of the kid all weekend every weekend from here until the end of the semester. He doesn't think I need that much time. He thinks I need like 2 hours per week to get everything done that I need to do. This is crazy. Who can fit an entire full time job into 2 hours?

Every time I ask for more, he really pushes back on me. He just doesn't have more to give. I guess this is when we would bring in more help. It's a matter of free time. If you want more free time, you have to pay for it. Working more, earning more, paying more. Which do you want? More free time or more free money? We've sacrificed all of our free time (and then some) to save money right now. Because we're in the process of buying our condo that we have been renting for 4 years. It's good to be a homebuyer in the long term. But in the short term, this is really painful. I'm thrashed.

I took a selfie this weekend and my skin is just wrecked. I don't really shower or brush my teeth or cut my nails or shave my legs. I have no time for the most basic FUNDAMENTAL self-care. I only take my vitamins because I believe my baby won't get the nutrition he needs if I'm not taking them.

I guess I could say something positive: I love our jogging stroller. It is serving its exact purpose as a mode of transportation. I was thinking today that I love wheels.

September 2021 Thoughts

Sept 5: My mom came for LO's birth, 6m, 12m. I thought she was planning to come every 6m but now that 18m is here, she's backing out. My MIL is undergoing chemo so we probably won't see her until Xmas. I feel sad.

I might cheer myself up by buying $60 worth of crap for Halloween. It's sitting in my Amazon cart. But I know it won't make me feel better. More holidays during COVID. 

LO has a runny nose from our spontaneous trip to IKEA and now of course I'm thinking the worst and feeling disappointed in myself for taking an unnecessary trip.

Stocked up on 3T pjs and size 7 tennis shoes because LO is growing so fast. Of course he can wear 2T separates but the footed onesies are getting hard to zip. His upper back is sticking out. 

He skipped from size 5 shoes right on past 6 in two months time. Thank goodness for Children's Orchard. We got 6 pairs of shoes and 6 pjs for $60. Used but still lots of life.

Sept 6: We hung a bucket swing in the garage. I am so happy because if I have like 30 minutes free during the day (WFH w/ LO) we can swing for a bit without having to go all the way to a park. We live in a townhouse with a detached garage.

September 9: Week 2 of the semester is over. Just 14 more... LO is teething, biting, sniffling, coughing, throwing food and tantrums, climbing on everything. But I am somehow calm and taking it in stride. There are some moments of super cuteness like his scrunched face smile and waving hi and bye to literally everyone. I love this nugget. And I wish he would eat more.

Sept 11: We have a 1 nap per day kiddo who loves sleeping in the carseat. Cue me eating meals parked curbside under the shade with the car running listening to a podcast or working on my phone just so LO can get a 45 minute nap.

Also, for soothing, my kid has taken to want electronic music on repeat. Like one song over and over for 15 minutes. We have [this](https://www.target.com/p/swaddleme-slumber-buddies-elephant-soother/-/A-18819169) one and LO will turn it to the song he likes, the volume he likes, the light setting he likes and then wind down and go to sleep. I feel silly because I sing to him and enjoy singing, but he really seems to relax to the electronic songs more.

Sept 12: It's silly but I got coordinating Halloween costumes for the family. I put everything in the Amazon cart and left it there to think about it. DH  ordered everything. Glad he did because a few items are backordered and one came in the wrong size, necessitating a return/exchange.

It's a Harry Potter theme. LO is Gryffendor, I'm Hufflepuff and DH is Ravenclaw. Maybe I should add a Slytherin dog outfit just to have representation for all the houses. Haha. I got a tiny broom for LO and he has had so much fun sweeping with it. I didn't get wands because I felt it might not be age-appropriate for LO just yet.

I file this under self-care because it's something to look forward to and with this Neverending pandemic, that is a powerful thing. I would love to take LO to Universal Studios for a photo shoot. I've never been to the HP castle. I wanted to go when I was pregnant but I was too scared to ride rides and miscarry. But it is $89 per person and LO won't remember or be able to ride rides. WWYD? Anyone with theme park experience?

Edit to add: Maybe we will use a zoom background to take a family photo in front of Hogwarts. It's cheaper and ongoing pandemic, yadda yadda. LO and I have a cold from our visit to IKEA a week ago and it sucks teaching with a sore throat. I hate that I used to have a well-heeled immune system and now I feel susceptible to everything. On the upside, my university is paying for weekly COVID screening.

We found a Harry Potter zip up PJ in LO's size at the local Children's Orchard (secondhand). That was the nucleus. I have a Hufflepuff cardigan and tank top. Bought DH a Ravenclaw tshirt. Bought LO a scarf, temporary tattoo scar, lens less glasses and a broom. And an owl stuffie. Not that we're going anywhere. It's all about the social media post. 🤣 Got a green doggie t-shirt and a Slytherin iron-on patch.

Activities at 18m: Swinging, sweeping, play kitchen, car ramp, car races, duplos, dominos, shape sorter, wooden blocks, puppet show, little people farm, water table, bathtime, rubber ducks, musical instruments (drum, maracas, xylophone, castanets), cash register, scooter, tricycle, stroller walk, exercise ball, foam ball, 4 square ball, stacking cups, blankets (I agree with you the laundry folding is a disaster) or handkerchief / bananas.

I WFH and I'm with LO 24/7. Not bragging. We also watch dog or cat TV with animals. He doesn't love messy, mealtime is messy enough. Chia pudding, cottage cheese, soft fruits, puree in pouch, etc is mushy and sensory stimulation.

I have headphones. Also LO likes some independent play as long as at other times he has my full attention so I try to be mindful of that. I am a "tunnel vision" type person when I'm at the computer so it's actually kind of hard to keep an eye and an ear on LO. We have lots of gates so I can confine him to different areas (garage, garden, kitchen, livingroom, upstairs, bedroom A, bedroom B. I have a lot of work that I can do on my phone in Google Docs so I try to reserve some tasks for Multitasking and some tasks when I really need quiet for when DH can take LO to the park, the mall or just out for a drive. There aren't many of those. I'm getting to be much less of a perfectionist. LO is in most if not all of my videos, chattering away and playing. I also babywear, still breastfeeding, so he gets to nap "on" me and I can catch a few hours of productivity that way if he nurses to sleep.

Sept 17: I had such a rough morning yesterday. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I called 3 people. The third person picked up. It was my mom. She asked if I started disciplining LO yet. She said at 1 year old, we can do 1 minute "time outs." It caught me off guard, which pulled me out of my panic attack, which I guess was what I was looking for. But now I can't stop thinking that I'm doing it wrong by not implementing punishment. Phew. I'm feeling better today.

Sept 20: We have our 18m pediatrician visit today. I have bittersweet feelings. I thought my mom would be here. She decided not to visit. I thought LO would be in daycare 1 year ago but with this ongoing pandemic, he is still at home with me 24/7. I had a goal of breastfeeding 6 months. We're still going strong. I am praying that LO is on track for all his growth benchmarks. LO is so adorable and snuggly. I didn't know what it would be like to be a mom, but I love it.

I have not had a menstrual cycle yet. I am tracking PMS each month, about 26 days apart but no Aunt Flo.

Sept 25: Husband rant! I am just too tired to write it. Just feeling ranty. Why? I am exhausted enough to take LO out for a walk and chant "my husband is garbage" for 25 minutes. I thought a walk would help me let go of the resentment but it was still there the whole time and still there when I got back. I think it may be time to put LO in day care because mommy needs a break. 

We are in the process of buying our condo (that we currently live in) which sounds easy but actually has involved lots of hoop-jumping. DH is doing most of the phone calls and paperwork but I'm doing all the cooking, cleaning, childcare, shopping, appointments, and tidying. And working from home. 

I guess we decided to delay childcare for many reasons: cost, LO's age, illness. I don't know how many closing costs we have left to pay and what our monthly budget will look like when/if we transition from renting to paying a mortgage. I think we will eventually put LO in day care or preschool but we want to wait until our finances are more established and predictable. Also, COVID fears and unvaccinated LO is still a thing. Now LO is older than 18m, I hoped the on-campus daycare would call us, but so far it's radio silence. I know they are open but we are on the waitlist.

I felt like I could "do it all" but I am having such negative emotions when its SATURDAY and DH is ASLEEP in the same room where LO is whining and I'm trying to work. Come on Dad and give me a break. Or at the very least don't be in the same room NOT DOING anything to help. Ugh.

Oh it was a day long struggle. He said I need to more clearly communicate my needs. He said it is unreasonable for me to ask for him to care for LO every weekend from now until the end of the semester. He said I need to make a list of specific tasks and prioritize them and sit down and communicate that to him. 

I said, what if you make the to do list and prioritize it and communicate that to me. I think he started to see the hidden burden of doing all the programming and being the cruise director. I don't know if we have found a solution to our conflict. But I did stand up for myself. I think sometimes I don't say anything because I don't want to argue. He said I was being immature for letting myself get so upset and boiling over. But every time I ask for more from him, he pushes back. So if I want more, I cannot keep brushing it under the rug. I have to push.

Sept 26: Self Care Sunday! Heading to "Junk in the Trunk" no-sale swap meet. Cleaned all reusable water bottles we weren't using out of the cupboard. More room for coffee cups. Got rid of a bike rack and a pack n play that were taking up space in the garage.

August 2021 thoughts

Aug 2: It costs $175 for a virtual lactation consult. I cannot seem to find any in person La Leche League meeting. Arrgh COVID.

I think my mastitis is gone. I have been off antibiotics for a week. But there is still a red patch under my nipple on the areola. And there is a gaping crack. Like a little talking puppet mouth. I think that's how I got the mastitis in the first place, not by a clogged duct.

I find it so difficult to advocate for myself. I need help with this. Friends and family ask, "how's the mastitis?" And I say, "it's better." But I don't know what to do now. It's clearly not gone. I mean the cause is still there even if the infection is gone.

Also I have this terrible vasospasm now. After every feed my nipple turns white and painful. And my whole breast hurts as it refills. Happy World Breastfeeding Week!

My husband's idea is for me to quit breastfeeding. But unfortunately it's not a simple lightswitch. Maybe as I'm typing this, I'm convincing myself more and more that I do need professional help.

The IBCLC recommended medi-honey, which I didn't know was a thing, to speed up wound healing. So I will start that today. She had LOTS of helpful suggestions.

Aug 4: Talking on the phone today, my mom said, "I just don't see how you can hold for all naps." I explained that I'm "one and done" and I happen to enjoy the cuddles. Also I am very productive working on my phone. I can write things in Google Docs or Slides, I can send and receive emails, I can read. Wish my mom could understand.

My LO has always BF to sleep and is crap at transferring. So I just make sure to reserve tasks that can be done under a sleeping kiddo for naptime. The other option is carrier naps, which can sometimes happen but are not guaranteed. My least favorite option is cosleep in a bed, after LO is asleep, it's possible to at least use the restroom and/or do some stretching or foam rolling on the floor next to the bed. We SO rarely use the crib. I keep thinking he'll eventually want to sleep independently. Maybe we'll just turn the crib into a toddler bed by removing the rail.

Aug 10: DH has been driving me up the wall lately. The term for it is "weaponized incompetence." Doesn't know what to feed LO. Doesn't know when mealtimes are.  Doesn't change a diaper without being asked or reminded. Doesn't make grocery list. Doesn't do any cooking. Doesn't watch LO while I cook. Just feeling tired and worried about how I'll manage when school resumes Aug 30th. I'm returning at 87% of full-time. Fully online. No childcare.

Correction: due to amendments to my schedule, I am at 93% of full time. OMG 14 units. One prep I have never done before.

DH tends to overestimate his contribution to tasks. We got the book and card deck "Fair Play" and it was interesting that most of his tasks were fun and most of mine were drudgery. And he claimed to help with things that I feel responsible for. I am doing kid-free workouts in the evenings now and I totally look forward to that 2 hours. DH puts on a TV show. He doesn't interact with LO. But I have to just let it be. I'm not perfect.

Ugggh. Parks. When the restrooms are supposed to be open but someone locks themselves in there for an hour. When there is a splash pad but the water is not reliable. When there is trash everywhere and my kid is obsessed with picking up every piece of plastic that doesn't belong. It's been a morning y'all.

And my LO, bless him, doesn't transfer well so I'm sitting in the car in an open parking lot under a shade tree with the car running just so he can get a full nap. The park was only a 9 minute drive from our house.

Aug 11: Why is my LO obsessed with my moles lately? There's one on my belly and one on my arm and he loves to grab and pull them. I try not to react, redirect or block but it's like super soothing for him and he throws a tantrum if I don't allow him to play with it. He's returned to a major grabbing and pulling stage in general. I can't do a back carry without him getting a handful of my hair. I also have to protect the dog. Thank goodness for the "learning tower" which was perfect for keeping LO busy while I was in the kitchen this morning.

I had a vision board for 2021. It was a piece of cardboard with magazine clippings glued to it. My LO really loved ripping off the glossy images. So much so that I am considering making a new one (the original is completely destroyed). Just for LO to rip.

Aug 17: Starting to prepare for a return to work after having the entire summer off. I feel sick at the thought. We have decided to juggle LO between myself and my husband. It works because we work at the same University which is right across the street from our house. But I feel LO is so needy and aggressive when he doesn't have my attention, I don't know how we'll manage. I'm praying the campus day care has a spot for us. They take 18 months and older. That's one month from now.

I will be teaching 4 classes. Three I've done before, all virtual. One is new and it's in person. I am praying that nobody brings COVID into the classroom, which I'm pretty sure is the same prayer that every parent whose kids are going back to school is praying right now. I know life has to go back to normal eventually. But I've never had to balance work and parenting and a pandemic before. I feel like I'm failing at adulting.

Aug 23: Milestone Monday: Stairs. He's getting better at going down. Up is no problem but down is happening now. Kind of a butt-scoot situation. Can do it without sitting if holding someone's hand. So cute.

Last night LO was "moonwalking" from one room into another repeatedly. So funny!

Aug 25: OMG we bought a Amazon Kindle Fire 7 for the kiddo. It keeps him from whining for my phone. It's a bigger screen and has that big case so he can hold it comfortably. So far I like it. I wish there was a better way to filter the content. It's hard to navigate.

Aug 26: NBR

I had a meltdown over zoom with a colleague who tried to mansplain. Now I am experiencing an emotional hangover. I would not have stood up for myself like I did today prior to becoming a mom. This colleague was treating me like a subordinate even though we are equals. I am so sick of being accused of being "defensive" like it's a bad thing. If someone is bullying me, I will defend myself. Momma bear on the loose!

Aug 28: Had my BFF from high school over for 4 hours with her DH and two LOs who are 4 and 5 years old. It was wow loud. It's great to have her  in my life, she is moving back to SoCal from FL. I hope we can find a way for our families to coexist because this first visit was rough.

Aug 28: Sunday night 11pm. Can't stop scrolling. School starts tomorrow. Ugh. LO is sleeping so sweetly. His scent is everything.

July 2021 thoughts

July 2: Took LO to IKEA. Best Friday night. Made it farther than last visit. LO sat in the high chair and ate a bunch of things from the cafeteria. We got some bins and trays to organize our junk drawer and the cabinet below it because LO is obsessed with it and its full of potentially dangerous stuff and as of now, LO puts things in the drawer but soon I imagine he will take things out too.

July 4: For about 6 months after LO was born, I needed at least 3 servings of chocolate per day. I am not usually a dessert person and never considered myself a chocoholic.

We're leaving tomorrow for our cross country flights. I am a nervous Nelly! We are packed as much as I can think of what we will need. We're staying 10 days before we come back home.

Part of me is worried about DH. Even though I know he's a grown man. I've been WFH for a year and a half. I would say I've been a SAHM but I also taught university courses at 70% of full time. We, like many people, have been cooking at home and watching streaming services at home and doing projects at home...safer at home. I guess I'm having re-entry stress.

DH goes back to work "full time" starting Tuesday. He's been "on call" since the start of lockdown a.k.a LO's birthday. I just know things will be different when I get back from this trip. LO might be starting day care when school resumes... depending on COVID and availability. 

I don't know what I'm actually worried about. Maybe just fear of change, in general.

We are traveling to my parents' house on Monday. 2 planes. A 3 hr layover. Over 7 hours traveling. I am tentatively packed and trying to hope for the best. DH is not coming. Just me & LO.

July 16: First time being treated for mastitis. Diagnosed by teledoc. Really wish I could go to a La Leche League meeting and talk to other breastfeeding women. COVID is still ruining stuff. 😷😒

How I got mastitis: Combination of LO chewing and some dermatitis and some traveling and maybe fewer showers and also forgetting to take lecithin and wearing a sports bra for 3 days in a row at my parents' house where there was no working shower or laundry. I am definitely regretting my life choices. And LO has a cough and seems pretty miserable today. Boo hoo.

Trip recap: On the way there, the flights were timed with naps so he slept on the flights. 1st flight was 1h 45min. 2nd flight was 1h 20min and he was awake but chill for the last half hour, but very chill. On the way back our 1st flight was 3h. He was awake the first half and slept the second half. The 2nd flight was only 40min. He was very snuggly and watched Netflix with his headphones the entire time. I know we'll never do a "lap child" flight ever again. It was a good experience. 

I also had an anxiety moment, stuck on the runway in Vegas and there was no AC on the plane. Don't know how long, maybe 10 minutes while they were refueling, but it felt like forever. It got hot fast and I felt so icky in the mask and with a hot baby on my lap.

Most people didn't want to sit in our row but the folks who did all had kids at home and were super nice. Parent solidarity was a fun new feeling. This was a big trip out into the world. I am still processing all of it.

My mom complained about me putting the kid down for naps and having bedtime before dark. She constantly says that HER children (me) didn't nap and I'm like wondering if it is just that she never put us down! I would advocate that moms shod do whatever they need to do to stay healthy. I skipped out on self-care during my 10 day visit with family and suffered for a week afterwards. In hindsight, I wish I had put my needs a little higher.

July 17: We are officially in the climbing phase. Set up a baby gym in the living room. Stairs, ramp, tunnel, etc. 

I'm still suffering from mastitis. LO is developing a cough. He doesn't want solids, just nursing, which is probably best to help clear up this situation in my breast. It was nice to see family but it sucks that we are sick from the trip.

LO is finally getting the hang of waving bye-bye and it is the cutest thing ever. We hardly ever said hello or goodbye to anyone prior to this trip. He is also much better at nodding yes or no when we offer him things. He puts out a little hand and makes a sound when he wants something. Kind of like "Meh."

July 20: I've completed 4 days of cephalexin for mastitis. LO has a raspy cough. I am trying to stay away from obsessive googling. I suck at resting but I am giving it my best effort. LO is normal in terms of his capacity for play and intake of solids and wet diapers, no fever, so we haven't taken him to the pediatrician. My husband was ON CALL for all of the pandemic until now. So it's harder to keep LO busy all day here at home. I don't want to take him out because of spreading germs. I hate that COVID cases are spiking again. I hate that LO isn't immunized. I hate that there's only one month left of summer break.

Our landlord called a week ago to let us know that they are considering selling our condo. We rent. So we have been scrambling to get pre-approval for a loan. All I can do now is pray that they will sell it to us for a price we can afford. If not, we might be able to keep renting here, rent elsewhere or buy elsewhere. The thought of moving doesn't terrify me. Maybe COVID has acclimated me to an uncertain future.

July 23: I feel like it's time to unfollow and unsubscribe from all the baby-related accounts. They do have some toddler-relevant info sometimes but I don't want to be reminded of pregnancy and the 4th trimester when I'm chasing around a busy 16 month old. 

On a positive note, I feel like LO's cough is getting better. Maybe his teething pain is letting up. No fever so I'm gonna guess it wasn't COVID. My mastitis is feeling better but I do think I'm experiencing some vasospasm due to "nipple trauma." I can't make this up. Thankfully one breast is still normal so I tell myself that eventually the wonky one will go back to that.

Our HOA finally opened the swimming pool for the summer. They had said it was closed due to COVID. We have a floatie and I'm so excited to get LO back in the water. He kicked around in a floatie a bunch last summer but we stopped going to the pool once Fall classes started. Our pool isn't heated. 

This week I kept LO indoors becuse his cough makes it pretty obvious he is sick. But it's been rough feeling imprisoned in our home. My fitness instructor said the cough can linger for weeks after they aren't contagious anymore. She encouraged me to come back to in-person classes. But with COVID cases on the rise among unvaccinated people, I didn't want to be responsible for passing along whatever this is to any other moms or babies in our group. We picked it up traveling cross-country with 2 planes.

July 24: Got a play kitchen. So far, so fun!

July 26: Broke out the Duplos.

July 28: I feel like becoming a mom has helped me be comfortable with vulnerability. I feel like I can live more emotionally exposed and not worry about what people will think.

I wish I had more agency. I wish I could be more authentic. I wish I could be louder and more goofy and more open to making new friends.

COVID sucks. Cancer sucks. Mastitis sucks. I won't see MIL until Christmas 2021 because she's having chemo for pancreatic cancer. She refused to see us after a debacle last Thanksgiving (Nov 2020) and I hate that we are politically polar opposites. My mom had been coming out to see LO every 6 months. Her next visit would have been Sept 2021 but with this spike in COVID cases, and how I just visited her, I don't think she'll be out for LO's 1.5 year bday. I feel lonely because LO has been sick since we got back from our trip, I don't know if it is COVID, so we've been quarantining for 2 weeks. I am trying to stay cool and avoid Dr. Google. DH is back to being on campus 40 hr/wk and I am doing the SAHM thing. Every day is full. I feel like I'm solving puzzles trying to fit in meals, naps, fitness, learning activities and meeting everyone's needs.

How do you travel?

Prebaby: Car-free. Trains + bicycle. Can't tell you how many hotels we checked into with our luggage on our bikes. Packed light. Most days outdoors.

Postbaby: Minivan. Pack all the things. Day trips to the beach. Weekends "away" at hotels within 1-2 hour drive of home. Day hikes with baby in carrier. Bike rides with baby on bike. Lots of stroller walks. It's not as eco-friendly but I'm not super comfortable taking transit with baby. Too much risk of getting stranded somewhere. I will say that the hotel experience is significantly diminished in the COVID era. No pool, no breakfast, no fitness room, no dining. It's not worth it IMHO.

July 29: Watching a show about peanut butter. Thought about how peanuts are a crop. Thought spiral about sustainability and climate change. This [NYT](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/18/style/modern-love-fathers-day-where-are-all-the-wild-things.html) article really hit me in the gut.

Packing List

Carryon

1) Umbrella stroller 

2) Yoga mat strap 

3) Pink backpack (diaper bag)

4) crackers 

5) cherrios 

6) infinity scarf (didn't use)

7) diapers 

8) wipes 

9) changing pad 

10) extra clothes for Albert 

11) Phone charger 

12) toys 

13) ergo carrier 

14) birth certificate 

15) masks (2)

16) proof of vaccines 

Mom

1) underwear 

2) socks 

3) walking shoes

4) flip flops 

5) yoga pants 

6) sweat pants 

7) tank tops

8) bras 

9) toiletry bag 

10) headphones (didn't use)

11) fitness equipment 

12) swimsuit (didn't use)

13) hat 

14) Tylenol/vitamins 

15) long-shirt (didn't use)

Albie

1) short outfits (3) 

2) long pants (2) 

3) short onesies (3) 

4) footie pjs (2) 

5) socks (4) 

6) sandals 

7) reusable pouches 

8) ring sling 

9) swimsuit / water shoes / swim diaper 

Wish I had brought

1) nail clippers / file for mom and Albert

2) mom's socks

3) garment bag for dirty laundry

4) more different bras and mesh bag for washing bra

5) shampoo / conditioner

This was for a 10-day trip to see and stay with family. We took a plane so your list might be different if you're driving. Snacks I brought included goldfish and veggie straws. The best toy was a dimple-like silicone [thingy like this](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0953P4TPV/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_1K5SA2NZGNYP7H4KK7M1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1).

We were 3 hours early. It was a bit unnecessary but made checking bags, printing boarding passes, and getting through security very stress-free. LO was in a carrier. I brought an umbrella stroller with a shoulder strap. Gate checked stroller, which was super-easy. Backpack-style diaper bag. 

Let LO walk for ~1 hour prior to flight. ~30 min of strolling. Slept on flight. Repeat for layover.

Edit to add: kiddo was a lap child. DH not with us. My sister loaned us a carseat at our destination.