December 2020 thoughts

I gave LO a pacifier the other day and he played with it happily for about 20 minutes, which is longer than some toys. He put all parts of it in his mouth and chewed. His coordination is so good now, he can manipulate it even though it had no "handle."

I had a dream that I got fired and it made me so happy. Even though we're virtual, in my dream all the students showed up in person. It has been SO HARD. I feel so stressed. DH takes LO out during my class so I don't hear the crying. But otherwise baby is here. If I try to work, LO has taken to screaming at me. If I don't hold him for naps, he only sleeps for 10 minutes.

I used to be on campus 40+ hours per week at 93% of full-time. We always planned for me to keep working until my student loans are repaid, but that's 5 years from now. We had planned to put LO in daycare 3 days per week, which would have cost 1/3 of my salary. Because of COVID we are keeping LO at home instead.

DH is supposed to be "on call" but he still goes to campus 5 days a week and sits in his office blogging, day trading, and doing non-profit work. When he's here, I get upset because he's always falling asleep and not watching or playing with LO. So we end up bickering.

I don't know if what we're doing is best for each of us or not. It's just what is. I don't know what we'll do next semester. It all depends on what classes I'm offered. We're for sure virtual again. Daycare is available. We're just choosing to go without. I hate the circumstances but I love my baby.

We love rain 🌧 https://youtu.be/ajABt8KCho8

I'm still stressed from Monday when I looked at the nutrition facts on the baby's rice cereal. I started feeding rice after my pediatrician shamed me for exclusively breastfeeding for the first 4 months. She said the baby looked pale and I should start giving baby cereal with iron. Yea so I looked at the box and it said serving size 4 tablespoons. The entire box is only 16 servings. One box has been lasting me over a month. Strike 1. Then I looked at the iron. A full serving provides baby 60% of the RDA for iron. Strike 2.

So today I tried feeding the baby like 3 times as much as I normally give him. He's a super slow eater. Like breakfast started at 8am and ended at 11am. WTF? This can't be right.

Albert seemed to be spitting up more lately too after a temporary improvement. Dunno what that's about.

We spent Dec 6th childproofing after a nice breakfast, clean kitchen, doing laundry, going to groom the dog, holiday cards are almost done, maybe we'll hang lights upstairs.

We took LO to look at Xmas lights. DH took an "In-N-Out Day" picture of me and LO. All in all, an epic weekend. I realized that my kitchen is actually my refuge and I WANT to spend more time in there. Planning to bake so many holiday treats this year. Ordered supplies on Amazon so today I am on "package watch."

The March 2020 Bumper group has lots of discussion about TTC which I'm like cool cool cool. Some are happy to be already pregnant again. And I'm like having all these thoughts about miscarriages. For them. They're posting pics of lines on sticks and I'm just thinking how that doesn't mean you're going to get a live baby, but I don't say anything.

I had my son via C-section and I'm 40 years old. Even though I would want another, I don't think it will be possible. So it is hard for me to read about other pregnancy posts. I'm like can't we just keep the group focused on the ones we already have? If you start another, can't you share that with the other Bumper group? We have to put CW and TW on posts about breastfeeding and sleep, why can't all TTC posts go somewhere else?

Then comes one thread about TTC using some [banned term] method to get the gender you want and I have no idea what that is, but it made me pretty upset. I wrote a kind of snarky comment about IVF and genetic testing as a way to get the gender you want. The OP said, "if you can't tell, this is meant to be lighthearted and just for fun." Well I guess I still have some lingering resentment that I didn't have that fun TTC experience.

DH tries to help by napping with LO but when DH is awake, he's always dumping LO into a container and walking away.

Dec 10: I'm so tired today. I'm tired of feeding LO. I'm tired of being behind at work. I'm tired of trying to do everything here at home. I asked DH to watch LO last night after bedtime because I forgot to eat and I was so hungry I couldn't sleep. Pretty much right when I got done eating, LO started crying so I didn't get much of a break. I got a little bit upset with DH last night because we sit on our neighborhood sustainability committee. On a zoom call last night, DH was ignoring LO, sushing him, pushing him out of the frame. It made me feel like LO is at the center of my life but only in the margins of my partner's life. That hurt. DH goes to work outside the home for 5 hours, 5 days a week. I have no idea what he does all that time, he can do whatever he wants. Meanwhile, I have left the house without LO once only for about 3 hours since he was born. Yeah yeah yeah. It was my idea to EBF. I get kind of tired of DH pointing out that it was my idea. I didn't know it would be like this. I know it's temporary, but it's so all consuming. I'm almost done with this semester. Taught 3 classes. Got my schedule for next semester, only 2 classes. So that's good b/c less work but bad b/c less pay. About half what I have been making for the past 7 years. Fuck COVID. I used to teach 5 classes but I took my mat leave in the form of a reduced workload for this semester. I hate doing part-time WFH with no childcare. It's putting strain on my relationship with DH.

Dec 11: I had a mental flashback to when we were all pregnant and worrying about nurseries and packing a hospital bag. It seems both like a long time ago AND yesterday.

Dec 15: I saw a work colleague while doing a socially distanced secret santa dropoff. I haven't seen him since I was 7 months pregnant. So weird.

Dec 18: Wow, T. G. I. F. This was the last week of the semester where I went back to work with a new baby. I'm so glad I will never have to relive this experience ever again. I almost cried yesterday when I finished grading student work. My LO is having so much teething pain. He's been difficult to get to nap during the day and he's having a hard time going down at night. He's biting while nursing so there's that.

Dec 21: We went for a walk last night to look at Christmas lights. DH has a three day week. LO is teething. I can feel uppers coming in. The bottom two erupted together. Not sure what's happening in the upper jaw but it must be painful. Been giving Tylenol infrequently as it can help with naps and bedtime but trying to use it as needed and not as a matter of routine. Aldi unsweetened applesauce was a big hit at lunch yesterday.

I was reflecting on this semester and I was like DAMN. GIRL. YOU. DID. THAT. Great job. Those people's experiences are not like ours. We have our own challenges like really doing all the things and doing them well and not asking for extra time or compensation. I feel motherhood has changed me for the better WRT how I treat my students and I guess I have lost some respect for my childless colleagues who complain about how little time they have.

Got some supplies for sewing 2 quilts. Want to stay productive during lockdown. 1st one is going to be made by cutting up receiving blankets. All flannel pastels. 2nd one is fabric from MIL all navy white and gold with a nautical theme.

The crib quilt I sewed for LO is coming in handy finally. Used it to protect the carpet from spit up at MIL's over Thanksgiving. Also wrap LO in it when he's on my lap listening to bedtime stories. We used to nurse to sleep but between his teething pain and my fear of getting my nipple bit off, we're starting to do storytime until he drifts off.

Definitely spent more than I wanted to at the craft store. I will try to save the receipt and return anything I don't use. Found out I will be working at 50% of my normal schedule for spring. Good News: we can keep going without childcare, spend more time with LO, continue BF. Bad News: we are going to keep going without childcare, no rest, no break, less pay.

We had an awkward Zoom party with our coworkers and LO was super fussy throughout. It was a major struggle even though it was well intended. DH and I work in the same department. He was like: notice how nobody else's kids were on the screen? It's because their spouses were minding them. We didn't have that option. 

Dec 28: Just coming here to say that I used our toilet sprayer and shield for the first time today. We cloth diaper part-time. Since we started feeding LO solids, his poops were very plop-able. Today there was a clingy situation and the sprayer worked great. Was it worth $70 to have the sprayer and shield? There are some unanswerable questions in parenthood. I'm no economist, but using it one time only has been pretty unsatisfying. Not that I want to be spraying every day. Once is fine. I have convinced myself that it is our emergency bidet in case the world goes crazy and starts hoarding toilet paper again.

Dare I do the math for the rest of the cloth diaper nonsense I bought? My husband is a big fan of disposable diapers. I prefer cloth because I just hate thinking of those disposable diapers in the landfill. But I don't use most of what I have. Several friends gave me their stashes. Plus I bought some. In the beginning, it was so confusing. Now I keep it simple so I only use flats and covers. I have a ton of pockets and fitteds that I'm not even using. 

I must ask my friends who gave me their pockets and fitteds if they will be wanting them back. I have 28 flats and we wash every other day if we don't use any disposables. I will definitely sell the AIOs I bought. I keep holding everything for now to see if our preferences change as LO continues to grow. I have no idea of when we will potty train, hence how much longer we will need all the diaper stuff.

Same goes for homemade purees. Dare I calculate the cost of homemade versus store-bought? I'm not a complete eco-freak. I just like cooking. I enjoy making the purees. But sometimes I wonder: is it worth the time and effort? Is it even worth the time it took me to think about and write this post? I do try to think of our options as "all of the above" and not be too rigid to use a combination of whatever makes sense. COVID restrictions have been so game-changing in the sense that I'm home all day every day so there's really no excuse to not use the CDs and make homemade food. Unless I just don't have the energy. Which happens sometimes.

One thing is for sure... I love my baby. I totally felt overwhelmed by the transition from bottles/BF to purees. Still haven't made the leap to puffs/solids.

Dec 30: Started packing up the Christmas decorations today. It's the only project that seems to make sense right now. LO was super fussy throughout breakfast but then cracking up laughing while watching me dismantle a wreath made of eucalyptus. Silly goose.

If you can fit one large mat in your vehicle/house, I would recommend against the puzzle mat. I am getting pretty tired of constantly rebuilding it when the pieces separate. I wish I had one continuous mat. The fence we have is two of these. I got the idea to fence LO in with my computer since I WFH and it's been great. Here's what it looks like with two gates and two alphabet puzzles: Toddleroo Superyard x2.