Buy Nothing + Sip and Swap

Today we purged some items from our house and we had a party for all of my son's stuffed animals. Honestly I have no idea how these two things are related. Maybe just that kids grow up. 

It was the biggest compliment to me that my husband said the two greatest purchases we ever made on a scale of $5,000 is number one the down payment on our minivan which we absolutely love. And number two our Lovesac couch. What's funny is he doesn't even sit on that couch but he knows how much I love it. And this kind of brings tears to my eyes a little bit. Isn't that amazing when your family members find joy in seeing your joy? 

Today is the first day of June, the first day of "streaking with the cool kids." I had to drag my butt off the couch and walk this one mile. It helps to have a destination. A neighbor was giving away Keurig pods, which we use daily. And it's so funny because I never thought that I would turn into a Keurig person, but if I'm not mistaken we got this current model off of Buy Nothing.

Now on to the topic of a party for my son's stuffed animals, there's another thing I thought I would never do in my life. What's ironic is I was looking for an excuse to have a party or at least celebrate the end of the school year. It feels really major that my son has done a full year of transitional kindergarten. My goodness! At the beginning of the school year we had so many worries. Will he be able to communicate? Will he have a toilet accident? Will he eat at the cafeteria? Is he getting bullied too much?

All those worries and fears turned out to be no big deal. Yes, I am exhausted from the daily grind of getting to school at a certain time. When my son was in daycare, you could drop off anytime between 7:30 and 9:30. That's a 2-hour window, which seems huge now. When he transitioned to elementary school, the gates open at 7:40 and you have to be there by 8:00 or they lock the gate. Throw in the fact that we basically walk to school, bike to school, or take the stroller every day, which adds an additional layer of chaos that must be accounted for. But it was actually really great walking to school every day, it helped me keep my mileage up when I was training for the marathon. It's really good for streaking, almost no day is a zero-mileage day. 

But it just so happened that I was at Costco this week to buy hot dogs for my son's end-of-the-year celebration, and I just could not pass up a little charcuterie plate, a cheese tray, and an olive plate. Albert insisted that we invite our neighbors to his stuffed animal party. I didn't think anybody would come, but three families ended up coming. The Sarah's came over, and the Skolnik's. The kids played with their scooters, the wiggle cars, the water table. I got a chance to sweep out the garage and declutter some areas that were really bothering me. 

I want to try to carry this momentum forward throughout the next week. Look at what I have that I'm not using right now. Just ask myself, how many times have you used that in the last year? And if it's just taking up space in your house, see if anybody else wants it! It wasn't too difficult throwing all those books in the trash, honestly, we never really enjoyed them. It was a little bit hard giving some good literature to the Salvation Army. But again, these are books that we've collected over literally decades. And we haven't even gotten them out of the closet since we moved in. 

Yes, those books were part of why I fell in love with my husband, but not why I've stayed in love with him. Am I exhausted right now? Hell yeah! But I cannot say that I regret training for a marathon. A kind of helps you make your little excuses vanish like - poof - gone. There are a lot of things that seem easy compared to marathon training. It's possible we got rid of 60 grocery bags full of books this weekend. I don't know how many pounds we carried down the stairs, and out to the car, not to mention the books from John Anthony's storage unit we did last weekend. My husband was lying on the ground, saying he was sore all over. 

My crazy pack rat brain is like, now what are we going to put on those shelves now that they're empty. But maybe it's okay to just chill, breathe, and leave the shelves empty for a minute. I was watching some old videos from two or three years ago, and our house was so much emptier. And when we moved into these condos, we told ourselves, we're not going to fill this thing. We won't be those parents who hoard and hang on to every little thing. We are going to let go of toys. We're not going to let every bedroom fill up with crap. Honestly, that takes a lot of dedication and consistency. It's not necessarily about recovering the money you spent on those things. Negative space and being able to clean your space is also of some value. And I think for us, not that we're planning on moving soon, but when we do think about having to move, those books are like the number one thing hanging over our heads like a guillotine. We're like, ugh, moving those books would be so hard though. So it feels good that we just got rid of them.

What's great about Buy Nothing is the value associated with making connections to other folks in the community. We met some nice people at the Buy Nothing free sale. I love giving stuff to my Fit4Mom community at the sip & swap. I love seeing Albert's hand-me-downs on another little kiddo. Kids that I've known since they were born. And these moms have known Albert since he was born. It's the community we've always wanted. It's a shame that the pandemic drove a wedge into our connections, but somehow it feels like we're finally starting to overcome that separation. And now we're able to let go of the stuff that we acquired during the pandemic when it didn't feel safe to go to museums. We don't need to make our house like a museum.

Bye-bye books

running swaps

Hollie Sick from @fueledbyLOLZ made an instagram post that got me thinking. She was arguing that running can be a low-cost activity. You don't need a ton of fancy gear to get good at it. She noted that the rise of influencers can make you think that you need more stuff, but it's okay to start or continue with less. Or possibly that there are cheaper items you can swap for whatever is the "latest and greatest."

Do you need a fancy watch? No!

Armitron Sport Unisex Digital Chronograph Nylon Strap Watch, 45-7004 $13.65
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0D2PM2TX9 

I've written before about wearable electronics such as a Nike watch and a Garmin watch, so I don't want to rehash it too much. I lost my original Garmin after the strap broke and I couldn't wear it around my wrist. Then I wore it on my handlebars of my bicycle until one day I looked down and it had fallen off. It looks like I lost the Garmin on the Chatsworth Orange Line Tour (COLT) or maybe I was using something else at the time. It looks like the Nike+ data was from 1/03/2009. I got the Garmin in June 2011, when we moved to Glendale, and used it until 6/10/2018. What I liked about the Garmin was that I could see the route and elevation profile.

I will say that I've been wearing the Samsung Watch5 since August 2024 (basically the whole school year). I like the heart rate feature, but it's not better than the Fitbit Versa. Someone gave it to me, so it was free to me. The things I don't like about them are that they're annoying to remember to charge. The Versa has a longer battery life (3-4 days), whereas the Samsung has only one day and must be charged or it will die mid-day. You can send short answers to text messages, which is nice. You can use your watch as a remote shutter for your camera, and a little preview of the photo will appear on your wrist, which is a cute feature. So far the Samsung isn't generating a map, but I think I could play with the settings and get it to do that if I wanted to. I think it's possible for the Samsung watch to track elevation but I just look at my Strava for that. 

But I have worn this cheap watch linked above about half the days now, since I got it mid-April, post-marathon. Because if you're not using the data from the smartwatch, why are you wearing it? If you just need a timepiece, then why? I still use the period tracking feature in the Fitbit app because it's scarily accurate now and helpful, even though I don't wear the Fitbit Versa watch. Also, when you think of these little computers on your wrist, you have to consider the disposal cost associated with it, how long it lasts, and how often you will want to upgrade. 

At least now they sell strap replacements, but eventually it won't hold a charge anymore, or the company will no longer update the software. Many of my Fitbits lasted only a few years. I think I still have two old ones sitting in a drawer. I guess they were the Fitbit Alta HR and it looks like we bought replacement bands in 2019 for them. I used the FitBit Alta HR from Aug 24, 2018 until May 15, 2022. I guess I must have got it when the Garmin got lost. I remember that is what I used for step counting and HR tracking during my pregnancy. I liked the AltaHR because it only needed charging once per week. I think it would last about 7 days on a single charge. But the AltaHR didn't have a mapping feature.

https://sites.google.com/site/kaiserwellnesscenter/kaiser-wellness-center-statement/fitness-awareness/available-routes  The Garmin was useful for creating maps! This was before we had smart phones, LOL. Honestly, how many times do you go for a run or walk and not bring your phone? And the smartwatch can't be a phone unless you put it on your mobile plan as a separate device with a data plan. Yes phones are bulky and heavy now, so they are kind of a drag, but the camera is fun and they also play music. You don't need three separate devices for that.

Do you need fancy massage gun / recovery boots? Not really.
Amazon Basics High Density Foam Roller for Exercise and Recovery $11.99
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00XM2MXK8 

I have addaday roller, but you can find one on Amazon for about $10

https://www.amazon.com/IDSON-Athletes-Tools-Muscle-Massager-Tightness/dp/B015RKCWR6/

I have been doing a mobility program that uses the two items mentioned above. $30 https://www.runfitmama.net/trainingprograms/runner-mobility-program  

Run Fit Fab

Do you need a large volume of shoes? Um, no.

I have one main shoe that I use for running. Then, I know how many miles I have on it because I keep track of when I bought it. When I start to notice that I'm feeling achy and the shoe is breaking down, I make that my walking shoe and buy a new pair for running.

I've written a lot about shoes before, so I won't say much more. What I have done is space out my races every three months or so, and then after I finish a race, buy a new pair of shoes. That's worked pretty well so far. There are places that you can donate your old shoes (like at Fleet Feet) and they get turned into playgrounds, running tracks, track jackets, etc.

Considering what else I wear to run in, I don't wear expensive sunglasses. When they get scratched up, I get a new pair because visibility is important. I have written about the biker shorts I love to run in. I love that they have pockets. I did get a bit delulu and buy a bunch of crowned athletics but I'm trying to just pump the brakes on that and stop. Also, I love living in sweatpants now. This post discussed the crowned althetics sets that I got and why, and also compares the price of running fuel. This is another great swap you can make: from specialized running fuel to something generalized and cheaper.

I've already discussed this hat, but I wanted to also note the price point!

ELLEWIN Unisex Baseball Cap UPF 50 Unstructured Hat with Foldable Long Large Bill $9.99
https://www.amazon.com/ELLEWIN-Baseball-Portable-Research-Foldable/dp/B01JI0XLZS

Running hats are priced between $25-100 which is kind of crazy when this foldable hat does everything I need and it's so affordable. I found it at It's A Wrap (a consignment shop) so I think I paid $2. 

Fueled by LOLZ This is the original post that inspired me to write about this. I started writing this on May 5th and am just now finishing it a month later, so that gives you an idea of how Maycember or Mayhem went for me. Just too many things in one month!

September 2022 Thoughts

9/1 - I'm back at work after having the summer off. My LO is in daycare. I kept him home Monday and Wednesday because I only teach Tues/Thurs/Fri. He has a kind of runny nose and slight cough but it doesn't seem like it's contagious. My husband is supposed to stay home with LO on Tues/Thurs/Fri but he was unwilling to do so on Tuesday. Today DH is out sick at home and LO is in daycare. So far I feel fine. I think maybe I'm just too stressed out to get sick right now. I had a bad migraine over the weekend, which I think was from stress.

It's a lot to get kiddo back in daycare. I had to remember so many things. The forms, the emergency kit, the shoes, the medications, the photos, etc. DH was just not involved in getting anything ready for our return to daycare. I can manage all of this. But I also want to get a massage. I have been internalizing this stress and I can feel it in my back. Also, I haven't been working out as much so I feel my posture going downhill.

We kept the kid out of swim lessons on Tuesday just in case of loose stool, which the daycare said he had on Tuesday. It's hard because when the kid is home with me he wants to lay around and breastfeed all day, which may have generated the loose stool. The day after he went to daycare, on Wednesday, his poops were solid. Today, he is meeting with a child psychologist as part of addressing his speech delay. It will be our second visit. I'm praying that this additional intervention can help us get kiddo caught up with his peers. He's about a year behind.

We're in a heat wave now, so it's cabin fever for everyone. The temp is supposed to be 112 deg F or something like that. It's hard to have a (possibly) sick kid and (possibly) sick husband and we can't leave the house. And we don't know if anyone has the same thing. I know the kids can't go outside at daycare if the outdoor temp is above 92 deg F so I do have some sympathy for the daycare teachers with 12 screaming two-year olds in a smallish room. I hope their sanity is holding up.

9/4 - John Lasseter movie marathon. Ice Age, Frozen, Zootopia, Princess and the Frog, Tangled... I think we will do Ratatouille and Brave next. New CARS movie comes out Sept 8th on Disney+ day. LO is a big fan of the Cars movies but not Planes.

Its in the triple digits here so we can't go out. DH is sick so we are quarantining just as a precaution. We are going to Disneyland next week to use the last day of our SoCal resident 3-day summer pass. That's why I am stuck on Disney and Pixar. LO is enjoying watching with me. It's fun to see what parts he laughs at.

I was raised on Disney movies but haven't seen all the ones that were released when I was in college and early career without kids. So from 1998 until now I guess. It's fun catching up. Any suggestions for what to watch tomorrow?

9/5 - I am so sick of my husband being sick. When will he ever be well again? I feel like we keep ending up at urgent care over and over. Why can't he take better care of himself? When he's sick then I have to take care of everything around the house. With school starting and LO going back to daycare, I'm taking out the long shirts and pants that are size 3T. I am sewing LO's name into his clothes. I asked DH to give me a break by taking kiddo into the shower and instead DH let LO play trains for an hour. That's fine. It's too hot to go outside anyway. But I have been solely responsible for getting the kid back to school and I want my partner to do his share of parenting duties.

I stayed home with kiddo last week on the days I could. DH had a fever on Friday but he doesn't now. He says his head still hurts but it's like come on dude. LO is actually running a slight fever. You're not. I asked you to bathe him. Instead DH took a nice long shower by himself and kiddo sat on my lap. DH is constantly taking the easy road and I am tired of carrying on with the hard work.

I am worried that LO has HFM or something like that. I thought it was his 2 year molars but now he has what looks like a cold sore above his upper lip. I don't see any blisters on his hands and feet and he had a upper respiratory thing the week before school started with a runny nose and now he has a kind of wet cough. Like I said, we'll probably be visiting urgent care this week. I hate how DH makes me out to be the bad guy when I ask for help. I am just about out of ideas and patience.

A bit of light googling tells me use a humidifier, push fluids and rest. But I feel like this is week 3 of trying that. DH has been sick for like a month. Okay maybe 2 weeks. He has Type 2 diabetes now and I just read that he should check his blood sugar every 4 hours if he is sick because illness and infection aggravates the diabetes. I am really at my wits end. The man loves junk food. I can't be his mother. He has to care enough to monitor himself and eat healthy.

Sorry for the rant. I am just suffering over here mentally and I worry that what DH had (fever, vomiting, headache) is coming my way (and LO's too), but when I get it, I won't be able to lay around doing nothing for 4 days. I have a job and a tiny human that do not accept my resignation.

9/9 - I thought this group would appreciate... I was hoping that kiddo would never have to wear a mask. I thought, surely by the time he is two years old we will have solved the pandemic and he will never need to be bothered. Fast-forward to now. I have an appointment next Wednesday for LO to get vaccinated. His first dose. Last time we had an appointment they asked us to leave because the doses never arrived so I'm praying that everything goes well this time. Also, kiddo has to be wearing a mask to enter his classroom every day for daycare. Today was a 10 minute struggle and finally his teacher came out and helped. Kiddo just wouldn't put it on for me. I just wanted to say if your kid doesn't have to wear a mask every day, consider yourself lucky. I know our school plans to continue masking until the end of the fall semester at least (Dec 2022). I just never planned on mask-training my kid. He got this ugly cold-sore type thing on his face, which we all think was due to him chewing the mask and it rubbing on his skin. It went away over the Labor day long weekend. Ugh. TGIF

9/15 - Yesterday was V-Day for my Marchling. Yes it was fitting that it was on his half-birthday. He was exactly 2.5 years old. He got the Moderna COVID-19 vaccine first dose. We will go back in 4 weeks for the second dose. I almost cried when I saw his name on the white COVID-19 vaccine card. We waited so long for this day. He did have a massive poo in the evening about 10 hours after getting the shot, but I'm not sure if it is directly related. No fever. I just love seeing how he faces scary experiences like this so bravely. I'm proud of my little buddy.

9/18 - Ran MUD GIRL. It was fun. It was stressful. It was a group effort. My hands hurt afterwards. Kind of like how you feel after packing up all your stuff and moving into a new house after 4 days of hauling boxes. If I were to do it again, I would wear capri-length leggings (not shorts). I would still wear a hat or visor. I wore contacts and sun glasses, which I would do again. I would definitely wear all the sunscreen. I would arrive early, in which case you could run the course twice. I have no idea how trail runners prevent rock from getting into their shoes, maybe tall socks? That hurt. I also would have worn gloves. My hands got a little (lot) scratched up.

9/19 - Forgot to order Fitlicious. Ended up going back to Mashup Mom. It was delicious and a good change of pace. However, it was a lot of work (>10 hours) cooking everything. It took up all my time on my days off (Monday, Wednesday).

I got a free bookshelf from Buy Nothing and attended Fit4Mom at the Vineyards.

9/21 - Kiddo is tripping ALL over his feet these days. Knees are all bruises and scabs. Face is all black and blue. Our daycare said he looks like a Cobra Kai. 🐍 He already has huge feet and is outgrowing his 3T pajamas. He is so hungry and sleeping a lot so I am guessing he's in a growth spurt. But I'm not ready for my baby to get any bigger 😭. I have a huge pile of long pants and long sleeves in 3T to sew nametags in 🧺✂️ 🪡 🧵. I am ready for fall. The cooler weather is giving me life.

I moved a bookshelf from the garage to the upstairs and populated it with books. I attended Fit4Mom at Mason Park and I was the only one there. I had a good chat with the instructor, Jessica and we talked about the podcast https://www.maintenancephase.com/ 

9/24 - Went to the Fall Family Event at Warner Center Park but didn't do the workout. My back was really hurting. Not sure exactly how I injured it. The pain got worse on Sunday. It hurt to sit, lay, stand, walk, everything.

9/26 - Bubs is really into mannequins. He likes to go through family roles like mama, dada, baby, grandma, grandpa, etc. He gets concerned when mannequins don't have heads, feet, arms or hands.

He likes comparing body parts too. Mommy's feet, daddy's feet, Albert's feet. He tickles our feet. He is a giggle monster. He doesn't like it when his pants are too short. He is growing so fast.

People keep asking how much he weighs now and I have no idea.

I canceled our Disneyland reservation because my back was still hurting AND we are in another excessive heat warning (triple digits) and it was just too hot to enjoy the visit. I bought some fall flowers to cheer myself up. I figure if I would have spent $35 to park at Disneyland, I can spend $22 on flowers for my own yard. I got Marigolds (yellow and orange), Mums (yellow and orange), Zinnia (orange) and Celosia (yellow) to give that thanksgiving vibe.

9/29 - Every time all my online purchases arrive, I think, okay now I have everything. I'm not going to buy anything else. But of course something comes up and I make another purchase.

Our cargo bike got stolen out of our garage last month. We bought another bike almost right away, but I also had to replace my helmet AND the shade canopy AND the bell AND the flag AND the little snack bag AND the phone holder. And I'm still discovering things that were in the cargo bike when it was stolen that I'm having to replace. Like the tool bag of all my favorite tools and my favorite portable air pump. I'm trying to be cool and positive about it. But it's been a lot of work getting all that stuff replaced.

Also on the day I bought the replacement bike, I took it out for a test ride. I got a flat tire due to a thorn. So I had to replace the tire and then take it to a bike shop to get the brakes adjusted. They also took a look at one of the disc brakes and bent it back into place. I bought some lube so I can just get all the spinning parts lubed up and then I think we'll be good to go. But I'm sure I'll think of something else it needs. I was able to find pads for the 3-point harness at the most recent consignment sale.

If you are cargo-bike curious or just into women cycling with their family, the movie MOTHERLOAD is really cute. I also read an article about a mom on a cargo bike who competed in the Disaster Relief Trials, and I do believe that a bicycle will be a great resource in the event of mayhem or natural disaster. I'm not a full-time doomsday prepper, but I am prepping adjacent.

October 5th is California Clean Air Day. October 9th is CicLAvia, a day where the city of Los Angeles closes some streets so that pedestrians and cyclists can have a stress-free day to play in the road. These are my deadlines for having the new bike ready for LO and myself.

I bought a set of tiles, which pair with my phone and Alexa and can help me find stuff if it is lost. For example keys. But I also wonder what would have happened if I had one of those in my bike or bike bag. Could I have found my lost/stolen bike? Also, if I had registered my bicycle with the campus PD, would that have made any difference?

Also I almost lost my keys this morning. Also I lost my wallet one time during the summer. Mombrain is so challenging. Also the tiles cost $99 for a set of 4 and I'm already wondering if I should have 8 or if I should just stop losing my shit. My back is 95% good, but it is not 100% better.

April 2022 Thoughts

 4/2 - "Is all the shrieking normal toddler stuff bc it's...a lot" Yep. Tasks like opening the sliding glass door, which he absolutely can do, now requires a shriek and parental assistance. I just wear headphones when I can't take it anymore. I can still see/hear him. It just takes the edge off. I try not to react and also encourage him to speak or try to tell me what's wrong.

4/3 - Did our longest bike ride with LO. It was 11.5 miles and his first group ride. He did great and it was so fun showing off my 2 year old to all my friends that I haven't seen due to moving out of that neighborhood and then pandemic. I think some of them didn't even know we have a kid now. LO pooped on the way out but we had time to change diaper and eat at the halfwaypoint. Then he fell asleep for the last few miles. It was so nice to do a group ride again. Now I feel more confident taking kiddo, so looking forward to the next one. We sat on the steering committee for the organization that hosted this ride, which was like paying it forward. This feels like cashing in our chips a bit because instead of marshaling and leading the ride, we got to participate and it was so fun and relaxing. The weather is awesome right now. Morning clouds, afternoon sun, mild and cool.

I share about 5-10 photos weekly on Facebook and maybe 2-3 on Instagram. I think it's unrealistic to think my kid won't have a social media account of his own in the future, but maybe not on those platforms. I don't have a crystal ball. But I do have family and friends throughout the world and I don't mind sharing what we're up to. I want to remember it, too. I have several YouTube channels and a TikTok. They're not ABOUT my kid, but there are videos of my kid on there.

I don't think anyone else posts photos of my kid on their social media, that would be weird. I don't post photos of other people's kids on my platforms. I live in LA and there are actors and models everywhere. You do have to ask people permission to take or post their pictures because they may be under contract. Also, due to all the beautiful people out here chasing fame, you can guarantee that wherever you go, someone IS taking pictures and you (and your kid) will probably be in them.

4/4 - Milestone Monday: I can discern when my child is babbling phrases. Not that anyone else could tell what he means but with context and a trained ear, I can understand generally. Even my parents heard it over Zoom last night, so I know it's not just wishful thinking on my part.

In response to "why are masks still a thing at csun? lol" I think it's because you can choose not to go dining out, or choose not to see a movie, or choose not to participate in other indoor activities, but attending class where the university is pushing for in-person classes to resume, they want to accommodate vulnerable people for whom it would be otherwise unsafe to attend in-person.

My 2 year old wears a mask to daycare, he can't get the vaccine yet. So remember there are still children of students, faculty and staff at-risk. Masks are still required at jails, hospitals, nursing homes, homeless shelters, public transit and even the post office.

The university has purchased large numbers of surgical masks. If you find yourself on campus without a mask, stop by a department office and pick one up.

4/6 - Wondering Wednesday - When will mombrain stop? I left our back door wide open today. It is 94 degrees Fahrenheit. We're in a heat wave. The indoor thermostat was set to 66 degrees. This was an unprecedented fail.

4/7 - Talk it Out Thursday - If men wore bras there would be no removable cups. It is such a pain in the butt to match up and stuff my bras every time I do laundry but my nips are just so visible unless I have the pads in there. I can't help but think men wouldn't stand for this.

4/8 - My husband when taking a sick day when LO is too sick to go to daycare: lays in bed and rests and lets LO turn the house upside-down like a category 4 hurricane.

Me when taking a sick day when LO is too sick to go to daycare: oh great, a day to catch up on all the housework that I have been wanting to do. Washes 3 loads of laundry, vacuums entire house, cleans all 3 bathrooms and does meal prep for next week. Not to mention still needing to do work for actual job. Staff meeting via zoom is done while wrangling LO.

LOL my husband was suggesting I start a business to refurbish older model strollers. Got anything in your garage that doesn't really work like it should? We found a great deal on a jogging stroller that just needed TLC. It made me so happy to bring it back to factory specs.

4/10 - Self Care Sunday - We picked up our meal prep order and pre ordered the Easter meal and dessert so there will be no stress of cooking for the holiday. I got a 30 minute chair massage yesterday. I'm gonna try and take a nap now. I'm so bad at napping but I am really tired.

4/13 - My kid is sleeping in and I don't know what to do with myself. I keep asking, "What tasks can you do now that you can't do when kiddo is around?" I came up with cutting ribbon, lighting a candle, melting the frayed edges of the ribbon, writing kiddo's name on the ribbon with permanent marker, then hand-sewing ribbons onto his summer daycare wardrobe. I had started doing one item per day back in November but now I have to catch up on his shorts and 3T short-sleeved shirts. Sigh. Wish I felt like sleeping in. Drank coffee and had a nice conversation with DH without interruption. Amazing!

4/18 - Just a little sad. I ordered 6 things in a bundle from Poshmark. They were like fun things just for me and I was hoping to wear one on Easter. The order date was 4/4. Somehow the items are lost. I don't know if they will ever arrive. There is no tracking available. I don't know if it will be my loss or the seller's. But it's not even about the money.

I'm sad because I don't often shop for myself and I was trying to be so "good" and "ecofriendly" by buying used instead of new. I was trying to reward myself for all the hard work of taking care of LO when he was sick this month and making all the magic happen for his birthday and Easter. Two of the items were graphic tees that said "Magical Mama" in kind of rainbow pastel colors.

I know it's totally a first world problem but it sucks when I wake up and don't even want to get dressed. I hate lingering in the closet feeling depressed. And I hate shopping. Every day I'm checking the mailbox and the front stoop and my email and the website. And I'm disappointed. I've had good luck with Poshmark in the past, so I'm not trying to bad-mouth them. After contacting customer service, they blamed the postal service.

On a related note: I got crafty on Easter and made some fairy jars. LO loved pouring glitter, rocks, silk flowers, etc. I ordered new shorts and sports bras for summer. I got tickets to the IMOMSOHARD comedy show. I got a 5% pay raise at work and I'm eligible for another 5%! I signed up to SELL at the next consignment sale so maybe my cashflow will all balance out.

Update: Poshmark customer service has cancelled the order, refunded my money and the package is still lost. So I guess it's resolved. I think I'm gonna order from the company directly (new Latched Mama). I realized that I really did want those items because of how sad I was when they didn't arrive.

I didn't appreciate before having kids how it requires an entire week of planning sometimes to fit something into your family's schedule. It does feel really devastating when all that careful managing of time doesn't give the results we hope for. And I can totally relate because I've had 1 haircut since getting pregnant with my March 2020 baby. I just can't do a salon right now.

I think I'm gonna add an annual pass to Disneyland too. I know LO probably won't remember it, but it's getting harder and harder to just stay home and not drive each other crazy. Poshmark issued a refund and if the stuff arrives I still get to keep it, so fingers crossed.

4/19 - I feel nobody in my family supports extended breastfeeding but it feels like the right thing for me and for LO and so we continue. It makes other people uncomfortable because it's uncommon. But I think it is natural and eco-friendly and economical and I could write a long list of reasons but ultimately because I feel it is working then I will keep on doing it.

4/20 - Going to a comedy show this Friday night and the venue unexpectedly changed COVID restrictions. "As of April 16 there will no longer be any COVID vaccination requirements" and masks are recommended but not required. They said our purses and bags need to be made of clear plastic, wtf? Is it an outdoor music festival? And COVID cases are rising again here in LA. I'm just so fed up with the shifting rules. IMomSoHard here we come.

4/20 - Wondering Wednesday - I have been buying stuff for myself lately and my mom is so unsupportive. She asked me "how many clothes do you need?" And I don't think I shop obsessively. I just know that when I go to put on clothes, I'm having trouble wanting to. I go into a depression spiral about my mombod and how I never get time to shower or poop or get a haircut. P.S. my mom is an actual hoarder. So I do want to avoid falling into that trap. But I get rid of stuff that I don't wear.

I have one pair of joggers. One postpartum lightweight pant. If they're both dirty, then I can't get dressed. I got two summer PJs right after kiddo was born but if they're both dirty, I have no options for nighttime. I tried sleeping naked and it was a no go. I save money where I can. So it's okay to have a few new things. Especially when I tried to go a budget route and that ended up getting lost.

4/25 - He points to what he wants in the fridge. He holds his hand out to try to stop traffic. His favorite vehicle at the touch-a-truck event was a pickup truck with a surfboard on it like beach lifeguards from Baywatch. Look out David Hasselhoff! Edit to add, diaper changes are getting easier and he will point to his diaper when it is soiled. He knows so many body parts.

He likes granola bars. The nut ones without chocolate.

4/26 - Finalized my portfolio for a 5% raise. For anyone in academia it was like a tenure packet but I'm not tenure-track. It was bittersweet to think about what I've done from 2013 until now. Some of it I did while I was childless and didn't want a kid. Some of it I did while going through IVF. Some of it was while pregnant. And some was while pandemic parenting working from home. Geez.

Edit to add: I think I've come full circle. Except I would rather be jobless and I only want my kid.

Nice Backpack

I've recently received compliments on my cute backpack. Little did they know that inside my bag is a breast pump and everything I need to remove milk from my body without my baby latching on.

@hamerk02 Pumping Essentials @sarahwellsbags @cereschillofficial @ctorganics @gothinkco #pumpingmom #workingmom #breastfeedingmom ♬ original sound - Kayla A. Kaiser

I've recorded a tour of the bag I got complimented on (above). It's a "Marie" bag from Sarah Wells. It's taken me 3 weeks to assemble everything I actually like using and remove everything that I don't like using. The bag I use more frequently (below) was given to me by my good friend. She included a TON of different size flanges, which was so helpful. It seems like only through trial-and-error is it possible to find the most comfortable pumping setup. I am passing on all the ones that didn't work for me. My sister already had a Medela pump and a Spectra pump, but I don't think she has a pumping bag.

@hamerk02 Pumping Pro Tips @medela_official @pumpin.vn @legendairy_milk @ctorganics #motnpump #workingmom #pumpingmom #breastfeedingmom ♬ original sound - Kayla A. Kaiser

I actually scored an "Annie" bag from Sarah Wells on the recent LA Kids Consignment and it had two PumpEase bras in it. I'm so excited to share it with my sister. It should be arriving today.

Sarah Wells is a brand that I found out about on social media. For exclusive pumping moms, it seems like the ONLY brand that is recommended. Of course, yes, you could just use a regular bag but then this one is designed to suit the needs of a pumping mom. I thought it might be damaging for the pump to be transporting it back-and-forth. So much I worried about it, that I never even got the pump out to use it ever until returning to work recently. It was just so intimidating!

I feel like these cushy side pockets will protect the pump so it won't be damaged. I love the sleeves for photos. I love the realness of these pictures too how this mama just took a photo of the bag on her messy desk. Clearly a woman who works!

I love how there are moms out there looking for products that don't exist and then inventing them like Sarah Wells and Lisa Myers, the inventor of Ceres Chill. Anything that eases the stress of returning to work while balancing the desire to continue feeding your child is so valuable.

I love how the bag has different zippered pockets and the whole thing closes. There's a shoulder strap. Of course, for me, I prefer a backpack style. I was super tempted to keep this bag but seriously I bought it for my sister. I would think that after you no longer need a pumping bag, you could take a bag like this to the zoo or a museum. The insulated pockets would work well for bringing your own food. Recently, we went to the Discovery Cube Los Angeles and even though they have a cafe, it's not open. So you do need to bring your own food if you plan to stay longer than 2 hours.

I'm tagging this post sustainability because I want to say how feeding my son pumped breastmilk prevents having to tax the supply chain of dairy cows. It cuts the transportation cost of cow's milk. It's local. It's customized for my son's needs nutritionally. I'm taking a lot of criticism from people around me right now for continuing to feed my kid breastmilk as he approaches his 2nd birthday.

I'm also tagging it sustainability because I snagged two Ceres Chillers used AND I snagged both Sarah Wells bags used. Thereby closing the loop and reusing things that would maybe have ended up in a landfill. Do I love going every 3 hours to pump? No. Do I love coming back to my office and scalding the milk and washing and sterilizing the pump parts? No. Do I love seeing my son not drink the pumped milk I bring home for him? No. But I am committed to continuing to breastfeed until he is 2 years of age. And I'm hoping to make it through the summer (not teaching).

home economics

The funny thing about all this is that most of these are a "break even" situation. Also it's not "either/or" but instead it's "and." If I can say one thing about preparing for a baby: you don't know what you don't know. You learn continually and adapt so there are no absolutes that work forever.

Taking a tally of what we spent to get up to speed with cloth diapers vs. what we would have spent if we did disposables full time

No matter what : $65

Changing Pad $30

Changing table $35

Disposable only : $914

Hanging organizer $20

wipes $3.00 × 12 = $36

Genie $20 x 2 = $40

Refills $7 x 30 = $210

size 0 (36 pack) $5

size 1 (196 pack) $40

size 2 (76 pack) $26

size 4 (180 pack) $46 x 11 = $495

Wipes (11 packs) $13.98 x 3 = $42

Cloth only : $626

Affresh (3 pc) $7 x 2 = $14

Toilet Sprayer Kit $30

SprayMate Kit $42

style A 6 x $12 = $72

Inserts (6 pack) $15

style B) 6 x $12 = $72

Used Lot $225

Covers (10) $43.00

Covers (10) $9.00

FSTs (15 pc) $16 x 2 = $32

FSTs (4 pc) $4 x 7 = $28

Bamboo cloths (12 pc) 2 x $12 = $24

Octopus hanger $5 x 4 = $20

Taking into account what we would have spent in formula versus breastfeeding and associated technology

Either way : $256

Burp Cloth 4 x $15 = $60

Bottle Warmer $70

Sterilizer and Dryer $100

5 oz Bottle Set (3 pack) $11

8 oz Bottle Set (3 pack) $15

Breastfeeding only : $601

My Brest Friend pillow $17

Manual Pump $30

Electric Pump $300

Bags (100 ct) $15.00 x 2 = $30

Tubing $19 x 2 = $38

Breast Shield $15 x 3 = $45

Membranes $5 x 2 = $10

Valves $7 x 3 = $21

Car Adapter $8

Connectors $12 x 3 = $36

Pumping Bra $33 x 2 = $66

Formula only : $3330

$37 per can x 6 cans/month x 15 months

Taking into account how much it costs to buy baby food versus making it yourself and associated technology

Either way : $16

High chair $10

Bibs $4

Spoons $2

Homemade : $395

Immersion blender $50

Miniprep $50

Food processor $200

Portion containers (50) $15

Silicone mold $15

Pouches (6) $15

Dishes $50

Pre-made : $1369

5 x 365 days x $0.75 

So I guess I spent a bunch on cloth diapers but I have like 3 times as many as I would actually need. I have 3 redundant "systems" that are different.

But it seems like breastfeeding and homemade baby food are clear winners even though they have a fair amount of technological cost to get going. I had a goal of breastfeeding for 6 months. Then I had a goal of making it to a year. My current goal is to make it to 2 years or whenever weaning occurs naturally.

One argument I get from my husband is that washing cloth diapers (and perhaps the associated tools for making our own baby food) add to the water and power bill. Comparing the year without a baby to our first year with baby, the bills were consistently higher with baby.

July 2020 $252 ($54 more)
Sept 2020 $536 ($144 more)
Nov 2020 $386 ($169 more)
Jan 2021 $174 ($13 more)
Mar 2021 $171 ($36 more)
May 2021 $219 ($8 more)

Total for 1 year ($424 more)

I wonder if this is true for everyone who was quarantined (working from home) during the pandemic though. I know we used to turn our thermostat up during the day when we were working out of the house and then turn it back down only at night. Now that we're home all day every day, we keep it running more during the day when we're here. The air conditioning I mean.

top left drawer (AIOs), changing pad

top right drawer (pockets), clean & dirty clothes

middle left drawer (fitteds & covers)

bottom left drawer (wetbags, sheets, wipes)

February 2021 thoughts

Feb 3: Mombrain is hitting me so hard. I got assigned to teach CHEM 101 two days before classes started. I also teach CHEM 100. The material is the same but one is more accelerated. I have done this in the past (pre-baby). Now I can't seem to remember where I left off with each class from one lecture to the next. I get a feeling of nagging deja vu while lecturing because I have actually just taught that same topic to the other class. I used to be able to have sooooo many hours to myself to think through everything, to come to class with a clear idea of what I would do, and stay on pace and on topic.

Now I don't have the luxury of infinite time to myself. I am dealing with baby until 15 minutes before class and right when class is over DH hands the baby back to me. Ugh. I have got to find a way to keep everything straight.

Feb 5: Just getting tired of LO grabbing my hair and glasses. 😩 I have such bad eyes that not wearing glasses is not an option. All my contacts are gone and to get more I would have to visit an optometrist which I haven't done due to COVID and baby. But now that I am typing this, maybe I should consider going to contacts.

Feb 6: Yesterday I cut my nails, hubby's nails and then the dog's nails while LO watched. Highly recommended. It was like he was going... oh, everyone in the family has to get their nails cut.

I also went on Amazon and bought ALL the hair doo-dads. I am getting so sick of this long pandemic hair and having to have it up all the time. So I got a new set of claw clips and hair sticks. So far I have been doing double braids, space buns, single bun (high, mid, low), side bun. My hair is long enough now for a chignon or French twist. I considered a doughnut bun thingy but not sure it's necessary and maybe I don't have enough hair for that yet. I don't give a crap about looking cute. I am just trying to avoid headaches. The instant I take my hair down, LO is yanking TF out of it. What are y'all doing?

Feb 7: DH wants to take LO to see MIL. They plan to meet at 10am which means they will leave the house at 9am. Do I pump ahead of time? Do I pump while they are out? It's going to be our first long stretch apart. I teach until 5pm. Help! My baby BF at ~2-3 hour intervals (24/7). Am I fearful because I think my baby needs me and I'm just being self-centered? Or is this a bad idea? I guess DH will feed LO water and purees. LO is a good drinker from a straw cup but rejects bottles.

Feb 8: LO woke up at 4am. Gave up trying to sleep at 5am. Jumping & crawling until 6am. Nap & snuggling until 7:30am. Baby was practicing standing unassisted until 8:30am. Commence breakfast. Nap at 10am.

Feb 11: Got some samples of toddler Enfamil and LO was absolutely cracking up watching me throw and catch the packet. Maybe he was just on a banana sugar high.

Feb 12: Reorganized furniture because LO's reach is getting higher and higher. He isn't climbing yet, but I get nervous when I see how curious and resourceful he is already. I want to make it easier to keep the floors clean and I am obsessed with tidying up multiple times per day in some kind of futile attempt to have order. Or at least not step on any sharp plastic objects.

Feb 13: My baby wakes around 5am but goes back to sleep around 6am when my husband leaves for work. I guess I count that as night sleep. Then LO wakes between 7:30 and 8:30am. He naps around 10 or 11am. He naps around 2 or 3pm. But sometimes he skips the afternoon nap especially if the morning nap is pushed to noon or 12:30pm. Bedtime is between 6:30pm and 8:30pm again depending on whether he has had 1 or 2 naps. Since I teach at the university, my schedule is different Monday/Wednesday and Tuesday/Thursday. Then Fri/Sat/Sun are more free-form but generally I try to maintain the routine.

Feb 14: For me the littlest things I look forward to. There are things I do on certain days like I call my mom on Tuesday. Make my meal plan on Wednesday. Watch Masked Dancer on Thursday. Library storytime on Friday. Watch RuPauls Drag Race on Saturday. Family Zoom on Sunday. Monday I do a fun workout. I realize these only take up 30-60 minutes out of a 24 hour day, but knowing I have a little something to look forward to each day keeps me going.

Feb 15: I hate waking my baby. When he's sleeping so sweetly. Ugh. He was super clingy last night, touching my face and hugging my arm all night. But momma wants to do her workout and we gotta get this day started! Motivational Monday!!!

Feb 16: Faaaaaaaa working with no childcare sucks. That is all. 

I have committed to trying allergens on Friday when I have a day off, but now I will factor in naps. No giving LO a potential allergen before a nap. In case he has an allergic reaction in his sleep. The reaction should be noticeable within 2 hours, so feed when he first wakes up.

Feb 17: Try to be easy with yourself. Not all babies follow the prescribed timeline. Even if you're doing everything, sometimes baby is just not ready.

Feb 19: DH and I are constantly at odds over the thermostat. He prefers a balmy 72 to 78 F whereas I would be happy anywhere between 64 and 68 F. I can abide 70 F if there is a cool mist humidifier pointed at my naked back.

I feel for all those without power in cold climates. I grew up in an area where ice storms and blizzards would knock out power. It's worse if you're not used to it, you haven't prepared, you don't own the warm clothes. Even though I live in Los Angeles now, I do sometimes go back to Nebraska in winter. I'm always caught off guard by how inappropriate my clothing is. I hope power is restored for you soon. The heater is running. DH has left for work. I am naptrapped. My skin is itching and I feel like a piece of frying bacon 🥓.

Feb 20: We have no help. I have been super selfish with my baby. I hate taking my attention away from my baby. I wish I didn't have to juggle baby and work. I work from home. I teach university classes. I have a ~70% of full-time load. If I did have full-time help I'm sure I would be resentful of those times I couldn't be with my baby and someone else was getting all the cuddles and smiles. But also I might say that when I have quality time with my baby, it seems more valuable. If we're together 24/7, sometimes I do get touched out.

I can see how babies are successfully raised in villages or extended family situations. Some societies still do this really well. But it seems like the USA just isn't set up this way. We are nuclear family units and AND we are expected to go back to work after a short (6 week) mat leave. How?!

COVID has changed everything. Without it, I would not have been WFH. We would have put our baby in day care. I wouldn't have known what I was missing. I try to find that quality time and try to be happy my MIL is an extended family member who can also have a great relationship with my baby.

Feb 21: The past few weeks I have been addressing my skin care routine. A month ago I got a facial roller. A week ago, I started using a night serum with vitamin C. It says apply to a clean face which has encouraged me to wash my face at night. I apply the serum with the roller.

I am also changing up my daytime skincare routine. I teach on Zoom 4 days a week. In order to light up my face and darken the chaos of baby toys in the background, I turn on a ridiculous amount of lights. Like 7 light sources. It finally occurred to me that maybe I should wear sunscreen. I had not been wearing sunscreen because COVID and I never leave the house. But I think the sunscreen has been good to protect the skin on my face from the Zoom lights.

I have rosacea that seems to have gotten worse during pregnancy and postpartum. I hope it gets better with these new measures in place. I care less about how it looks, but it is painful and itchy when it is running out of control.

I also bought a bunch of hair doo-dads. My hair has not been cut for a year and a half. It is a pixie grown out to medium length. It has been fun experimenting with new updos. Claw clips, hair sticks, spiral hair ties and I'm still waiting on a donut bun kit. It sounds like a small thing, and it is, but the small things are the only things we have during this pandemic.

I had great plans and intentions (autocorrect tried to make it tensions, which is a bit close to the truth). But my baby and I ended up sticking with just a few things that were easier. What kept you motivated to keep introducing variety?

For us, I would make a batch of something and freeze it into a mold. There are 10 wells that hold about 30 mL (2 Tbls) each. Then we would try each food a 3-4 times and baby wouldn't really go for it. I just recently fully gave up on variety and threw away the stuff LO wasn't really eating. Now we rotate through rice cereal, avocado, sweet potato, butternut squash, yogurt, bananas, applesauce and pears. All puree consistency. I had to stop reading the "feeding friday" thread because I felt so guilty. LO is just now getting the hang of biscuits and puffs.

My mom tried introducing Cheerios to LO at 6 months. He gagged a lot. He still gags if the puree isn't smooth enough. He sometimes spits up breastmilk still. His spit up was so bad at one point we were going through 15 burp cloths per day. So I feel like he's just a bit slower than other babies for that reason. But I do feel optimistic that he will catch up. He can feed himself from a preloaded spoon. He can drink water from a straw or open cup. I know eventually he will eat what we eat. But in the meantime, we will follow LO's lead until the pediatrician says otherwise.

Feb 24: If the clothes don't come out of the wash smelling clean, I clean the washing machine. You can use a tablet (Affresh) or follow the steps here to use baking soda and vinegar. I do one or the other appropriately monthly. I didn't know anything about this until I started cloth diapers.

My baby is napping on my left arm today. My phone and coffee are on my right side! 📱☕ Small wins people. I use my phone for work a lot. I compose in Google Slides or Docs and then edit later on my big screen. Sometimes I wish my computer could do predictive text. Thank goodness for small handheld devices.

I used to rigorously clean everything that came into the house. All eating utensils were sterilized prior to coming in contact with LO's mouth. Yesterday I brought home a toy that had been used by several families and I didn't even clean it before letting LO play with it (read: put his mouth on it).

Feb 25: Ugh. I just asked my husband to take the baby upstairs for a nap. He snores (DH) and I am trying to WFH. I told him that he is likely to fall asleep while the baby sleeps and he is likely to snore and it is likely to annoy me (to be working while everyone else is sleeping). He acted like he was totally offended and reminded me that I used to snore while pregnant. Ouch! GTFO. Having these shared spaces is a real pain in the @$$. LO's play area is my Zoom / WFH area. I don't go to school to work because it's easier/safer to have LO here. We have no childcare. I hate this.

DH asked me last night, "Can you image life without LO?" He was all romantic about it, like how life-changing having a baby is... I was like (in an instant) "Yes." Because I feel like my life before LO was pretty cool and I had kind of given up on becoming a parent because we had waited so long (like 8 years of TTC). It is SO HARD to balance working (even part time) and being a parent (which I do enjoy, but...). Gosh. I just can't work like I used to. I don't want to. I would rather spend time with LO and DH. I do love being a mom. But I also hate balancing all this. Last semester I was ~70% of full time. Same now. Can't wait for summer break. We have no help.

I have not tried cheese yet, but I have resolved to try new potential allergens every Friday. Maybe we'll try cheese today. Or maybe shrimp. Or maybe eggs. I noticed a milk allergy at 6 mo. Then again today at 11.5 mo. He's fine with yogurt but not milk or half & half.

Feb 28: I cleaned out some spaces in closets that were occupied by stuff I haven't used or needed. It was hard, both physically and psychologically, but I wanted to make room for new stuff. Yea for our Marchlings' birthmonth!

We took out 7 kitchen garbage bags full of paper and 3 lawn size garbage bags of 3-ring binders. I got rid of 2 diaper boxes full of shirts that no longer fit. I purged 3 gallon sized bags of makeup. And I regifted some mani-pedi kits that I wouldn't use because I took all my nail polish to the hazardous waste disposal when I got pregnant. Then I was able to put away some things that were sitting out and overall we have less clutter.

Do you wrap birthday presents for LO? Is there such a thing as edible wrapping paper? Still 2 weeks until LO's B-day but I am thinking about it constantly. We got some "it's fun to be one" and "my 1st birthday" clothes this week, secondhand of course. My friend sent some decorations. Family are sending gifts in the mail. I got some new balls for his ramp and some new fixtures for his water table. We got a used wall hanging that has inches and feet on it. One brand new PJ. My mom (G-mama) is coming out. We might do a Zoom party. Advice? Ideas? Grandma wants to do a cake smash.

December 2020 thoughts

I gave LO a pacifier the other day and he played with it happily for about 20 minutes, which is longer than some toys. He put all parts of it in his mouth and chewed. His coordination is so good now, he can manipulate it even though it had no "handle."

I had a dream that I got fired and it made me so happy. Even though we're virtual, in my dream all the students showed up in person. It has been SO HARD. I feel so stressed. DH takes LO out during my class so I don't hear the crying. But otherwise baby is here. If I try to work, LO has taken to screaming at me. If I don't hold him for naps, he only sleeps for 10 minutes.

I used to be on campus 40+ hours per week at 93% of full-time. We always planned for me to keep working until my student loans are repaid, but that's 5 years from now. We had planned to put LO in daycare 3 days per week, which would have cost 1/3 of my salary. Because of COVID we are keeping LO at home instead.

DH is supposed to be "on call" but he still goes to campus 5 days a week and sits in his office blogging, day trading, and doing non-profit work. When he's here, I get upset because he's always falling asleep and not watching or playing with LO. So we end up bickering.

I don't know if what we're doing is best for each of us or not. It's just what is. I don't know what we'll do next semester. It all depends on what classes I'm offered. We're for sure virtual again. Daycare is available. We're just choosing to go without. I hate the circumstances but I love my baby.

We love rain 🌧 https://youtu.be/ajABt8KCho8

I'm still stressed from Monday when I looked at the nutrition facts on the baby's rice cereal. I started feeding rice after my pediatrician shamed me for exclusively breastfeeding for the first 4 months. She said the baby looked pale and I should start giving baby cereal with iron. Yea so I looked at the box and it said serving size 4 tablespoons. The entire box is only 16 servings. One box has been lasting me over a month. Strike 1. Then I looked at the iron. A full serving provides baby 60% of the RDA for iron. Strike 2.

So today I tried feeding the baby like 3 times as much as I normally give him. He's a super slow eater. Like breakfast started at 8am and ended at 11am. WTF? This can't be right.

Albert seemed to be spitting up more lately too after a temporary improvement. Dunno what that's about.

We spent Dec 6th childproofing after a nice breakfast, clean kitchen, doing laundry, going to groom the dog, holiday cards are almost done, maybe we'll hang lights upstairs.

We took LO to look at Xmas lights. DH took an "In-N-Out Day" picture of me and LO. All in all, an epic weekend. I realized that my kitchen is actually my refuge and I WANT to spend more time in there. Planning to bake so many holiday treats this year. Ordered supplies on Amazon so today I am on "package watch."

The March 2020 Bumper group has lots of discussion about TTC which I'm like cool cool cool. Some are happy to be already pregnant again. And I'm like having all these thoughts about miscarriages. For them. They're posting pics of lines on sticks and I'm just thinking how that doesn't mean you're going to get a live baby, but I don't say anything.

I had my son via C-section and I'm 40 years old. Even though I would want another, I don't think it will be possible. So it is hard for me to read about other pregnancy posts. I'm like can't we just keep the group focused on the ones we already have? If you start another, can't you share that with the other Bumper group? We have to put CW and TW on posts about breastfeeding and sleep, why can't all TTC posts go somewhere else?

Then comes one thread about TTC using some [banned term] method to get the gender you want and I have no idea what that is, but it made me pretty upset. I wrote a kind of snarky comment about IVF and genetic testing as a way to get the gender you want. The OP said, "if you can't tell, this is meant to be lighthearted and just for fun." Well I guess I still have some lingering resentment that I didn't have that fun TTC experience.

DH tries to help by napping with LO but when DH is awake, he's always dumping LO into a container and walking away.

Dec 10: I'm so tired today. I'm tired of feeding LO. I'm tired of being behind at work. I'm tired of trying to do everything here at home. I asked DH to watch LO last night after bedtime because I forgot to eat and I was so hungry I couldn't sleep. Pretty much right when I got done eating, LO started crying so I didn't get much of a break. I got a little bit upset with DH last night because we sit on our neighborhood sustainability committee. On a zoom call last night, DH was ignoring LO, sushing him, pushing him out of the frame. It made me feel like LO is at the center of my life but only in the margins of my partner's life. That hurt. DH goes to work outside the home for 5 hours, 5 days a week. I have no idea what he does all that time, he can do whatever he wants. Meanwhile, I have left the house without LO once only for about 3 hours since he was born. Yeah yeah yeah. It was my idea to EBF. I get kind of tired of DH pointing out that it was my idea. I didn't know it would be like this. I know it's temporary, but it's so all consuming. I'm almost done with this semester. Taught 3 classes. Got my schedule for next semester, only 2 classes. So that's good b/c less work but bad b/c less pay. About half what I have been making for the past 7 years. Fuck COVID. I used to teach 5 classes but I took my mat leave in the form of a reduced workload for this semester. I hate doing part-time WFH with no childcare. It's putting strain on my relationship with DH.

Dec 11: I had a mental flashback to when we were all pregnant and worrying about nurseries and packing a hospital bag. It seems both like a long time ago AND yesterday.

Dec 15: I saw a work colleague while doing a socially distanced secret santa dropoff. I haven't seen him since I was 7 months pregnant. So weird.

Dec 18: Wow, T. G. I. F. This was the last week of the semester where I went back to work with a new baby. I'm so glad I will never have to relive this experience ever again. I almost cried yesterday when I finished grading student work. My LO is having so much teething pain. He's been difficult to get to nap during the day and he's having a hard time going down at night. He's biting while nursing so there's that.

Dec 21: We went for a walk last night to look at Christmas lights. DH has a three day week. LO is teething. I can feel uppers coming in. The bottom two erupted together. Not sure what's happening in the upper jaw but it must be painful. Been giving Tylenol infrequently as it can help with naps and bedtime but trying to use it as needed and not as a matter of routine. Aldi unsweetened applesauce was a big hit at lunch yesterday.

I was reflecting on this semester and I was like DAMN. GIRL. YOU. DID. THAT. Great job. Those people's experiences are not like ours. We have our own challenges like really doing all the things and doing them well and not asking for extra time or compensation. I feel motherhood has changed me for the better WRT how I treat my students and I guess I have lost some respect for my childless colleagues who complain about how little time they have.

Got some supplies for sewing 2 quilts. Want to stay productive during lockdown. 1st one is going to be made by cutting up receiving blankets. All flannel pastels. 2nd one is fabric from MIL all navy white and gold with a nautical theme.

The crib quilt I sewed for LO is coming in handy finally. Used it to protect the carpet from spit up at MIL's over Thanksgiving. Also wrap LO in it when he's on my lap listening to bedtime stories. We used to nurse to sleep but between his teething pain and my fear of getting my nipple bit off, we're starting to do storytime until he drifts off.

Definitely spent more than I wanted to at the craft store. I will try to save the receipt and return anything I don't use. Found out I will be working at 50% of my normal schedule for spring. Good News: we can keep going without childcare, spend more time with LO, continue BF. Bad News: we are going to keep going without childcare, no rest, no break, less pay.

We had an awkward Zoom party with our coworkers and LO was super fussy throughout. It was a major struggle even though it was well intended. DH and I work in the same department. He was like: notice how nobody else's kids were on the screen? It's because their spouses were minding them. We didn't have that option. 

Dec 28: Just coming here to say that I used our toilet sprayer and shield for the first time today. We cloth diaper part-time. Since we started feeding LO solids, his poops were very plop-able. Today there was a clingy situation and the sprayer worked great. Was it worth $70 to have the sprayer and shield? There are some unanswerable questions in parenthood. I'm no economist, but using it one time only has been pretty unsatisfying. Not that I want to be spraying every day. Once is fine. I have convinced myself that it is our emergency bidet in case the world goes crazy and starts hoarding toilet paper again.

Dare I do the math for the rest of the cloth diaper nonsense I bought? My husband is a big fan of disposable diapers. I prefer cloth because I just hate thinking of those disposable diapers in the landfill. But I don't use most of what I have. Several friends gave me their stashes. Plus I bought some. In the beginning, it was so confusing. Now I keep it simple so I only use flats and covers. I have a ton of pockets and fitteds that I'm not even using. 

I must ask my friends who gave me their pockets and fitteds if they will be wanting them back. I have 28 flats and we wash every other day if we don't use any disposables. I will definitely sell the AIOs I bought. I keep holding everything for now to see if our preferences change as LO continues to grow. I have no idea of when we will potty train, hence how much longer we will need all the diaper stuff.

Same goes for homemade purees. Dare I calculate the cost of homemade versus store-bought? I'm not a complete eco-freak. I just like cooking. I enjoy making the purees. But sometimes I wonder: is it worth the time and effort? Is it even worth the time it took me to think about and write this post? I do try to think of our options as "all of the above" and not be too rigid to use a combination of whatever makes sense. COVID restrictions have been so game-changing in the sense that I'm home all day every day so there's really no excuse to not use the CDs and make homemade food. Unless I just don't have the energy. Which happens sometimes.

One thing is for sure... I love my baby. I totally felt overwhelmed by the transition from bottles/BF to purees. Still haven't made the leap to puffs/solids.

Dec 30: Started packing up the Christmas decorations today. It's the only project that seems to make sense right now. LO was super fussy throughout breakfast but then cracking up laughing while watching me dismantle a wreath made of eucalyptus. Silly goose.

If you can fit one large mat in your vehicle/house, I would recommend against the puzzle mat. I am getting pretty tired of constantly rebuilding it when the pieces separate. I wish I had one continuous mat. The fence we have is two of these. I got the idea to fence LO in with my computer since I WFH and it's been great. Here's what it looks like with two gates and two alphabet puzzles: Toddleroo Superyard x2.