June 2021 thoughts

June 7: Pushing rolling things around the house is big time fun now. A bar cart, a scooter and the learning walker. Even though he can walk unassisted and even run, pushing stuff is paramount these days.

He is really into opening and closing doors and does a really cute little shuffle when I remind him to "watch your feet" so the door doesn't scratch him. He scoots his little feet back ever so slightly before moving the door.

We have had to move all trash cans up on top of stools because he loves stashing stuff in there like his toys and our shoes. As others have said there is a constant mixing of clean and dirty laundry that can get confusing and results in larger loads getting washed just to be sure.

Our pediatrician had to reschedule the 15 month appointment and now it's going to be at 16 months plus 4 days. What happens at that one?

June 9: LO is doing a cute hand gesture these days. Kind of hand opening and closing. Don't know what he thinks it means but if we do it to him, he will do it back. If he starts doing it, and we do it back, he cracks up. Silly monkey.

June 10: Vulnerable feelings alert! I'm scared about getting in shape / period returning / stopping breastfeeding / starting daycare / Albert growing up. I feel like I can't tell anyone because they might say, it's natural, get over it. I feel like I can't talk about it to my husband because he has to absorb my constant drama. 

I want to lose this belly pooch but I worry about cutting calories and not making enough milk. Likewise for period returning (which hasn't happened yet). Please no advice. I am trying to process these feelings. It's like making my LO my top priority for so long, it scares me to move myself as a higher priority. 

We are on a waitlist for day care for fall but I'm already starting to worry about it. Sharing in case anyone else is out there quietly feeling this way. It seems most people in this group have already crossed these thresholds, so I haven't posted here because I didn't want to seem behind the curve. 

I am holding on to this baby because we are one and done. I didn't expect to enjoy motherhood this much and I didn't give much thought to how I would balance working and parenting because our Reproductive Endocrinologist gave us a 50% chance of a live birth. It felt like flipping a coin. My husband was betting it would work and I was betting it wouldn't.

I am doing my best to embrace the change. Also working out harder is making my C-section scar hurt a bit and it makes me remember labor and makes me wonder if I could have had a vaginal delivery if only I had tried harder. What? Seriously I gotta get out of my head.

June 14: He pretended to blow his nose in a tissue. So cute!

June 16: Took baby for a hike. RIP my neck, trunk, arms, legs, etc. I tried to go to sleep but I was so hungry I had to sneak down and have a late night snack. It was only 3 miles and I babywear quite a bit, but I guess hiking is just that much different. LO was in a Deuter hiking backpack. Last time we took LO for a hike, he was 8 months old. Back then DH wore LO and I just walked. Today I wore him the whole hike. He did very well today but wow am I exhausted.

June 19: Me: sees a picture of an 8 year old

Also me: crying because LO will eventually be 8 years old

June 22: Me: I wonder why my left hip hurts...

Also me: At the store. Doing laundry. Gardening. Cooking. Walking on the beach. Carries LO on my left hip.

Infertility Babies: I am simultaneously wanting another child and feeling jealous of fellow bumpers who are pregnant or already have a 2nd, 3rd or 4th. But also feeling like I have my hands full now with one 15 month old. And still breastfeeding. And had a C-section. So like aren't I supposed to wait 18 months before even trying to get pregnant?

We do not plan to have another child. There is no way I would go through IVF again at my age (40). I hate it when people say, "you can't have an only child. He needs a sibling." But yes if it happens, I would love another. But no, I'm not actively trying. 

But yes, the TTC threads on my bumper group are super triggering for so many reasons! I selfishly want to have a second labor so I can have a better birth experience. The first one sucked except for the fact that both me and the baby survived.

Side note: I am starting to get fit again and doing scar massage and I think a lot about my birth experience and feel lots of regrets about it. My baby was born during a set of difficult circumstances. I don't feel entitled to a "do over" because I know it could end up the same or worse the 2nd time. And also it's crazy to want to "do over" birth and newborn stage right? You still gotta raise the baby for many years after that. I just don't know how to heal from my birth experience (after IVF) and immediate lockdown because of COVID. My son was born 3/14/20.

This month

I had my husband Google "clogged milk duct." My baby was BF like crazy (8x per night) in the last week of October, now LO can't fit into his 12m sleepers, and I guess clogs are more common after growth spurts. Where's my vibrator? 😆 Guess it's time for a hot shower.

Saturday night we gave LO a bath and we couldn't zip the 12m sleeper over his leg! Last week's suspected growth spurt is real.

We went to Target to buy a new food processor because our old one broke. Found out that footie PJs in size 18m are rare and expensive ($14). We ended up driving ~30 minutes away to a secondhand shop. I picked up 8 sets of PJs for under $30. Most are separates. Most don't have feet. One is fleece, which I feel is going to be too warm, but I bought it anyway.

One day DH tried to do his morning routine with baby and he was much more understanding after that. Our LO gives you about 5 minutes to shit, shower and shave. That's what I've been dealing with for 233 days. DH experienced it one day and felt like he missed out on his spa time.

Definitely got out all the holiday decorations, which I normally don't do. We usually celebrate elsewhere and refrain from decorating here at home. But I'm thinking that if I just get it all out now, it will be worthwhile to leave it up for a couple of months. I don't know.

We booked a getaway for DH's birthday next month. It's a mountain cabin. We last stayed there 10 years ago. We might get snow and I am kind of hoping for it.

We're getting together with SIL in 2 weeks for a family hike. Is that enough time to practice back-carrying LO? I have been consistently babywearing but 99% inward facing front carry. I don't think a stroller will work for the hike. I guess we have some time to practice. The one & only time I tried back-carry, LO arched his back and was being all weird and floppy.

I was thinking about superheros. Like do they ever wake up in the morning and think... I don't feel like putting on the cape and tights today. I don't feel like saving lives. I'm sure they do. Parents are superheros for raising these little ones. It's just a thought I had while emptying the dishwasher, doing a load of laundry, feeding LO breakfast, doing a barre workout and planning a surprise for DH who is a veteran. I mean... superhero stuff, right?

I am pretty behind at work. DH is like "I'm sure you'll be caught up if you just have an hour to work, right?" And I'm like, bro, there's at least 8 hours worth of work to be done. I'm really dragging to the finish line of the semester. Two more experiments, two more units, two more chapters, but final exam to write, final papers and presentations to grade. Plus I am about 3 labs and 3 quizzes behind. But my baby is cute. And I'm trying to give myself grace for rolling with all the COVID-related adjustments to content delivery.

Every day I think about doing something cute for Christmas cards but it just keeps getting pushed back due to dealing with the everyday job of keeping the house tidy and cooking. I feel like I'm just constantly getting stuff out or putting stuff away.

DH has maxed out his vacation hours. Like if he doesn't take some, he'll lose it. So he stayed home today. The plan was for me to catch up on work. I have worked all day with no breaks, except for a workout and a shower. I'm still not caught up. 🥵

Pre-baby I taught 5 classes which kept me on campus 40 hours per week and sometimes more, even though I'm not technically full time. This semester I have only 3 classes  and I'm trying to cruise by with as little effort as possible since we have no childcare for LO. I mean I want to do a basic good job but I'm not going above and beyond if you know what I mean.

I've said this before but with just teaching and office hours, I work 14 hours per week. I don't get breaks. DH takes LO just while I teach, not even during office hours. I can't be productive for more than 15-20 minutes about twice per day. LO is so demanding.

All this is fine and I'm managing without a herpes outbreak, without screaming at my family members, without crying every day. But the other day I had a work-related nightmare. So I asked DH to please stay home today and watch LO.

Now that brings us full circle. DH made a ludicrous comment that I should be able to catch up if only I just had an hour without LO. Did I mention I used to have 40+ hours per week? That's 4x more than I have now. And I had to use weekends and holidays to catch up even before baby came along.

After watching me work all day, he starts criticizing what I'm doing and how I'm doing it and saying that he won't take days off in the future to help me if I don't stay on task. I burned my hand making fish tacos for lunch. And DH just called me from the store to ask where they keep the protein powder. I'm like I DON'T KNOW. LOOK FOR IT.

Not to complain about COVID but we've had to make some big changes in how we teach because of the switch to virtual. That necessitates some extra work beyond just the usual keeping up with grading assignments. DH doesn't understand that because he's not a teacher. 

DH is really good about pushing back if I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do. I could advocate for myself better when I need more help. Or refuse to do something that I feel is too much. The problem is that I don't want to fight in front of LO and I would do just about anything for my baby, so I just try to hold it together and do all the things.

TLDR: I'm running out of steam today. And I wish DH wasn't also punking me.

I wonder what DH thinks when he keeps letting dirty dishes pile up. Also I did the ultra-glam task of cleaning the washing machine today. When the clean clothes smell like a barnyard, it's time to clean the washing machine.

I noticed the e-waste drive thru drop-off has reopened. So we're cleaning out some junk in our garage. Also trying to figure out how to move some items through our local Buy Nothing group. There are some items I would sell in a consignment sale, but others I feel fine gifting. The clutter needs to go.

Had a good family workout yesterday at the park with 7 other mommas & babies. It was cute to see some younger and some older than LO. Exercise was followed by a long nap, a trip to Vitamin Shoppe and a visit to the used bookstore. These are nonessential trips I know, but we haven't been to the bookstore since before baby was born. It used to be our romantic date activity, so it was really nice to get out and have a change of scenery.

I am washing and googling used toys that I bought to find out the appropriate age range. Yeah cutout puzzles are for two-year-olds or older. Guess those are going into storage for a bit. Am I crazy for being so meticulous? Sometimes I feel that being "detail oriented" is a hinderance to just moving on with life and "going with the flow" but I certainly don't want my kiddo to choke on anything. Geez. I don't know if I would have been so serious about cleaning & sterilization pre-COVID but I am certainly thinking about it now. Soap & water + 4-6 hours in direct sunlight should be enough. How do day care providers do it? It took me an hour to clean 3 puzzles and a walker while trying to coax LO to eat carrots. 🥕🤮

Our tree is out of the garage and out of the box but not decorated yet. I want to enjoy it for as long as possible. Bring on the cheer indeed!

We're doing a hike tomorrow with SIL to celebrate Thanksgiving with social distancing. But they want to do a one-way hike where we take 2 vehicles but park one at the start and one at the end. This means at two points in time we'll all be squished into one vehicle. I asked DH if everyone will be wearing masks in the vehicle and he said "I was just planning to roll the windows down." 

I'm thinking that would just swirl the viral load all over the inside of our van. I'm thinking how to deal with this information. DH said if I want everyone to wear masks, I have to be the one to enforce it. So I guess I can do that. Or I could wait for them to be dropped off and have DH swing back by and pick me up or something complicated like that. MIL and SIL are both nurses but still think COVID is a hoax. I thought the hike would be a way to see them outdoors, but now I am feeling stressed.

MIL has had some dental work done, which she is quick to point out required a COVID test that came back negative. It's exhausting to try to explain why that isn't evidence for me of a safe interaction. And MIL's husband took a contact tracing course, I think just to make fun of it. He has a degree in clinical psychology so he's not an idiot. I just don't understand why some people are so anti-science. I am reminded of the phrase "inconvenient truth." Like when scientific evidence is inconvenient, people choose to turn a blind eye to it.

And now I'm shaving my legs because SIL and MIL expect it. I feel legit disgruntled.

First tooth!

We got rid of our swing. It was sad and I miss it, but it was just getting unsafe since LO kept trying to sit up.

I was in bed at MIL's house on Thanksgiving day with a massive headache. Dunno if MIL had a talk with DH or what but he's been extra helpful this week. I think the stress caught up with me all at once. Or my body gave up when it knew there were more adults around to help.

Here's a justnoMIL comment... I was exercising with MIL and she told me to start wearing super compression sports bras otherwise my breasts will droop all the way down to the floor and "you don't want that."

Ummm... I don't know how to tell you this but 1) I had droopy boobs before getting pregnant 2) compression decreases milk supply 3) breastfeeding is important to me 4) my boobs are so huge now I can't fit into any of my prepregnancy shirts 5) when I do stop breastfeeding, my boobs will deflate and no sports bra will stop that from happening.

My MIL has had lots of plastic surgery. I'm not interested. Just no. Why is the appearance of my breasts any of her concern? 

And FIL kept encouraging me to cover up while breastfeeding "for my privacy." Um yeah, remember when you came to the hospital while I was in labor? You've seen all the parts of my body. Get over it. This is how I feed my baby. Sometimes with a spoon, sometimes with "tits out." It took every sweet bone in my body to not say, "ok Mike Pence." Jeez Louise.

35 week check-in

I am 8 months post partum and I feel good enough to shuffle-run at Stroller Strides. On a good night, baby only wakes 3x. We're having lots of good nights lately. We got a hiking backpack carrier and a jogging stroller. We gifted some baby items to our neighbors to make room for the new items. Sad to see those items go, but also ready for my little boo boo to keep growing and becoming his own person. He is already playing more independently on the foam mat.

I have started taking collagen in my coffee. My husband calls it "antler juice." I feel hopelessly behind in my school work, but I feel I am pretty successfully managing the household. Sent my husband a grocery list from Mashup Mom and he loved it. So maybe we'll become ALDI fans and I can offload the task of meal planning.

We are planning two hikes in the next week and I am terrified of falling or just simply not being able to keep up. Hope we have good weather. Need to make a packing list.

Sent out Secret Santa gifts. Got my mom's gift all boxed and ready. Want to take some dorky holiday photos. Got out all holiday decorations including fake snow, fake candle, music box with ice skating penguin, tree skirt, snow globe, ornaments from the '80s and '90s. It feels nice to start some holiday traditions with the baby.

4 months postpartum

The second week of July was a hard week. I had to go in the kitchen and do some yoga while my husband was holding the baby. I had to call him home from work at noon because I just couldn't take it being at home alone with a fussy baby. My husband was trying to talk to me and I just couldn't even answer. I wanted to scream, yell and cry at the same time. 

My baby had surgery and the recovery was hard. I used to dance with my baby and swing and stroll to calm him down, but since he had an operation, now I don't want to jostle him at all. It's hard keeping him calm when entertainment options are limited. No tummy time or back time with his toy arch because I don't want him doing crunches.

I kept thinking that if not for COVID, we could have had more support from our friends and family members. Instead, I'm scared that our trip to the hospital exposed us to more risk. They say that 1 in 140 people in my city are currently infected. That seems like a lot to me. 

I used to go rollerskating on Wednesday evenings to blow off steam and it occurred to me that even if I could go and leave the baby with my husband, the roller rink is closed due to COVID. Parenting books suggest leaving the baby with a neighbor or friend for 15 minutes to regain your composure, but due to COVID, that's not possible.

My husband kept asking me to make all these decisions too and I was just so tapped out. I had to say "no decisions for mom for the rest of the day. Dad has to make some baby-related decisions." It's exhausting doing all the judgements. I can't fully explain it, but I feel slightly better today (it has been 2 weeks).

I have a friend due in September and a younger sister due in October and I am totally that mom now that is giving advice. Hopefully not scaring them, but trying to add stuff to their baby registry while people are still sending them stuff. I had 2 friends send me boxes and boxes of stuff I didn't know I would need and they were such angels for doing that. I was pretty obsessed with pregnancy and not very well prepared for the fourth trimester. 

I grieve the brevity of my son's newborn phase now that it's over. I wish I could have been more present and more selfish with holding my son. No amount of time is enough. 

In the first 2 months I would pump and let other people feed my baby. Why? Now we exclusively breastfeed and by the end of the day I'm pretty touched out. Then after a few minutes of breaktime, with my husband giving one bottle from the previous night's middle of the night pump, I'm ready to hold my baby again. How will I possibly handle going back to work?! Nothing in my life seems as significant as protecting and spending quality time with my son.

I am anxious tonight because we are spending the weekend with my in-laws who are divorced from each other and both remarried. We're spending two nights away from home, for the third time since baby was born. I'm not loving it. 

I DO want to have a good relationship with my son's grandparents, so I am trying to share my baby with them. But I also remember that I am slightly resentful of having had to share my baby so much in his first three months of life. Will I regret this weekend too?

My son had a surgery and his 4 month vaccines a week later. COVID cases are surging. I just wanted to take the whole month of July to rest and not travel and not celebrate my 40th birthday. Lord knows these hips do not need any cake.

But this is our Father's day celebration. Also as my husband relentlessly points out his father is a doctor and his mother is a nurse. They wouldn't knowingly put us in danger. 

Two weeks later update: the weekend away was a disaster. My mother in law went for a 7 mile hike in a heatwave and ended up getting life-flighted to a local hospital. This interrupted our visit with my father in law and eliminated our Sunday morning walk.

They are cleaning out their house and want to give us a bunch of things, so we have to reorganize over here in order to accommodate. We couldn't fit all the items in our van so they wanted to come last weekend and we said no. So they're coming this weekend. I'm doing my best to get the house ready for guests, but baby is suffering through his 4 month sleep regression and it's making mommy and daddy more tired than usual.

Postpartum Part 7: pandemic

Watching the boy scouts live camp-in, we heard some advice from NASA astronaut Doug Wheelock. He said that this global pandemic is a unique moment in history and a time to write. They also suggested burying a time capsule. We tried to complete a virtual 5k walk/run/hike but I only got 2 miles walking back and forth in our house. I did set up the tent and make s'mores in the toaster oven.

Wildlife report! Fauna: hare, monkey, elephant, lion, bear, mole. Flora: aloe, dracaena, pothos. Candle = campfire. 🔥 #CampIn #ScoutingAtHome pic.twitter.com/ZCJi5GDzz7

— Dr. Kayla A. Kaiser (@hamerk02) May 3, 2020

We can't get Lysol wipes, antibacterial handsoap, alcohol-based hand sanitizer, Chlorox bleach, Dawn dishsoap or Dial bar soap with antibacterial ingredients. The only time I really thought this would be a problem is when I was recovering from my surgery and I was supposed to wash my incision. Our president told people that injecting bleach could combat coronavirus. These are the times we are living in.

I can say no. I will say no. My hope is that I can enjoy the remainder of my maternity leave in peace, regardless of the fact that the country is reopening. My in-laws seem to think that the coronavirus is a hoax, social distancing is unnecessary, masks are a joke and that the country needs to reopen immediately. Already my son's cousin has met up with friends at the beach and had a keg party at his house, so we know they aren't quarantining anymore. They are big fans of Disneyland and I'm sure they'll be among the first to go there when it reopens.

Dear MIL is pushing for us to spend her birthday weekend in Ventura the first weekend in June and possibly take a boat to hike the Channel Islands. While this sounds great in theory, I don't know if I would be able to enjoy it. The next big thing is dear SIL is turning 50 and I am turning 40 in July. I don't want anything. I had seriously forgotten about it until MIL reminded me this weekend. I just want to snuggle with my baby and that's the greatest gift. MIL wants to throw a party for me and SIL, which would mean a big stressful family gathering. Not interested.

I told dear husband that I will be saying no to any and all travel until school starts up again in August. If someone wants to visit with Albert, they are welcome to come here. Traveling was too stressful. I have stated it twice now, and neither time did he repeat back to me what I had said, so I have a feeling that he didn't hear me. I was hoping he would repeat it back to me, but he said that he didn't want to talk about that subject any further so I left it at that.

I think a big struggle is that some people are quarantining hard and other people are less strict. Those who are quarantining hard are bragging about it because it's difficult and requires mindfulness. Those who are more loosely following the guidelines probably don't talk about it. But people who are fearful are getting very bent out of shape when they see someone not wearing a mask. This is leading to violence, which is understandable since people are ferociously protecting their family members, including children.

I use the affirmation "I am healthy, I am safe" and extend that to include my baby and my family. I was very tearful on Friday, leaving my house and seeing the signs on the freeway saying "Avoid gatherings, stay home, beat COVID-19" but knowing that we were taking yet another unnecessary trip to see family.

Pregnancy Part 30

This week we have our biophysical profile (BPP) ultrasound. I guess they will be looking at the baby's size and movements. I wonder if they will be able to see where the umbilical cord is and how the placenta looks. The technician will be checking Albert's muscle tone and if there is an adequate amount of amniotic fluid there for him. Also, how his heart rate changes over time.

I feel pretty miserable these days. Like not depression, just physical pain. It's hard to get in and out of chairs and beds. Pretty much all positions are uncomfortable. My wrists hurt. When Albert is active, it causes me to exclaim because he has run out of room. The heartburn is pretty much around the clock. I say that we collaborate on pooping because it feels like he has to help massage the turds out and make room to let them pass. His foot keeps sticking out under my right rib. When I push it back in, he kicks me. Ouch!

During breakfast, I had a bit of a crying session, then I got up and danced a bit to LCD Soundsystem. We reminisced about what was going on in our lives in 2010. It was really great to see how far we've come since those dark days.

When we went to our appointment for the BPP, the whole building had no power so we were told that we would be getting a call from the office to reschedule.  I sat in stunned silence for about 5 minutes before deciding that it probably wasn't a good idea to wait around in an area with poor air circulation with other potentially sick people. We have a NST on Thursday anyway, so I hope they get the power issue sorted out by then.

On a happy note, we went for a 45 minute walk in the park I love by our hospital. Did some birdwatching and enjoyed the hints of spring in wildflower-covered hills and fresh air. Went home and husband caught an afternoon nap while I did a bit more work on baby's quilt. Then dear husband finally agreed to go with me to a restorative yoga class and he admitted that it was nice! I feel so grateful for this day, even though it didn't go as planned.

Over the weekend, we washed the washable parts of the breastpump and the bottles that we have. It was overwhelming getting used to the idea that this new equipment will soon be a large part of daily life, but my sore breasts are a constant reminder that avoidance is a bad idea. Better to just face it and get ready. We had another visit from mother-in-law on Sunday and it was nice to chat and have lunch with them. We broke the news that my mom will be here in less than a week and MIL seemed relieved. I was worried that she would feel like we're pushing her out, but she was happy to "come visit later" and not be the primary person to help me while in labor.

We also booked our hotel for the summer trip to Nebraska. We found a "king suite" at a La Quinta that has an outdoor pool. I think it will be an ideal base of operations for us to host guests and relax. It felt strange to be planning for something that is only 3 months away because in my mind it's like the timeline of my whole life is on hold until the baby is born. Dear husband keeps reminding me that one way or another, this baby will be born soon, there's no way around it. Our regular OB is out of town this week, so Thursday's appointment is with a different doc. Hoping it goes smoothly!

I really thought I couldn't track one more thing. I never expected to be this number-obsessed during pregnancy. I count and track so many damn things. How many hours of sleep, steps in a day, days per week of exercise, calories per day eaten & burned, grams of protein, mg of calcium, is baby kicking, when did I eat last, when will I eat next, what to buy at the store, how much salt have I eaten, how many glasses of water have I drank, when is next doctor appt, when is next birth class, what is my blood pressure, what is baby's heart rate, what is my fundal height, am I gaining weight at the appropriate rate... I was looking forward to stopping all this tracking nonsense when baby is born, but maybe it will continue to escalate. There are apps and devices for tracking baby's breastfeeding and sleeping habits. And also, it will be important to have good nutrition to sustain my milk supply. My expectation was a blissful pregnancy. my reality has been a blur of numbers. and a constant fear of "doing it wrong." But I must admit, having a blood pressure cuff at home has put my mind at ease.

At 38 weeks + 5 days (based on LMP) I feel like cooking in the kitchen just isn't going to happen. I'm so tired. I have a few things I would like to make, but when I weigh the pros and cons of it, it's really hard to motivate myself to do it. It's tiring being on my feet and with this pain in my wrists, it's hard to chop veggies and to lift heavy bowls and pots and pans. I feel like I'm kind of giving up on my diet plan, and I also feel like that's kind of OK at this point. I've been following it for 27 weeks now (6.2 months) and I would say it "worked." My Fitbit says I've gained 27.3 pounds. The suggestion for healthy women is to gain 25 to 35 pounds during pregnancy, while women who start off as obese should aim for 15 to 25 pounds. So overall I feel pretty good about this. It's not like I'm about to start gorging myself on anything I want, I'm still logging macros in MyFitnessPal, but as it's getting harder to eat due to constant heartburn, I'm kind of going back to my first trimester habits of just doing what I can even if it doesn't perfectly follow the diet plan.

Week 12 - 49%
Week 13 - 26% (one fast food)

Second Trimester
Week 14 - 28% (four fast food)
Week 15 - 28% (four fast food)

Week 16 - 26% (three fast food)

Week 17 - 31% (three fast food)
Week 18 - 37% (three fast food)

Week 19 - 31% (seven fast food)
Week 20 - 43% (four fast food)
Week 21 - 37% (five fast food)
Week 22 - 46% (five fast food)

Week 23 - 34% (seven fast food)

Week 24 - 40% (five fast food)
Week 25 - 34% (two fast food)
Week 26 - 29% (six fast food)

Third Trimester

Week 27 - 26% (seven fast food)
Week 28 - 51% (four fast food)
Week 29 - 37% (four fast food)

Week 30 - 54% (three fast food)
Week 31 - 60% (three fast food)
Week 32 - 54% (six fast food)

Week 33 - 50% (five fast food)
Week 34 - 43% (five fast food)
Week 35 - 63% (three fast food)
Week 36 - 43% (six fast food)
Week 37 - 69% (four fast food)
Week 38 - 51% (three fast food)

Fertility Part 12

Today, Wednesday, we are again in Week 1 of The IVF Diet. I weighed in at 196.5 lbs today. Not as much weight loss as I wanted, but at least I have not gained it all back.

I had a great time with my sister when she visited during the second half of May. I had hoped to do a lot more hiking with her, but we only had one epic day on Santa Cruz Island.

Then my dad came into town and we did a lot of sightseeing. Here is a list of what we did: 

Saturday, May 25th Old house / Glendale / Neon Museum ($10) / Brand Library & Park Sunday, May 26th

Pierce College Flea Market ($4) / Encino Farmer's Market / Convoy Movie Monday, May 27th

La Brea Tar Pits (FREE) / LACMA (FREE) / The Counter / Canters Deli / Original Farmer's Market / The Grove / Mullholland Water Movie Tuesday, May 28th

10 am acupuncture / Skateland ($8, skates included) / BM e-bikes / CSUN campus tour / Japanese Garden ($5) / Water Reclamation Plant / India's frontier trains movie Wednesday, May 29th

Griffith Observatory ($7 for planetarium show) / Autry Museum (FREE) / LA Zoo ($11 with 50% zoo reciprocity discount) / Griffith Park via LADOT DASH bus ($1) / picnic Thursday, May 30th

Metrolink ($32) / Mission San Juan Capistrano ($10)/ Trevor's at the Tracks / OCTA bus (FREE) / Pedego e-bikes ($25 per hour) / Dana Point to San Clemente bike ride Friday, May 31st

Metro Expo Line ($7) / Rose Garden (FREE) / CA Science Center (FREE + $3 to see space shuttle) / Santa Monica Pier / Bubba Gump Saturday, June 1st

Salute to Recreation, Northridge Park / Metro Red Line ($7) Broad museum, MOCA, Disney Concert Hall, Music Center, Grand Park, Grand Central Market, Last Bookstore, LA Cafe, LACBC HQ, Angel's Flight ($1), Riordan Central Library (FREE) Sunday, June 2nd

Citrus Sunday @ Dearborn Park (~1320 pounds of citrus collected)

The Discover & Go passes from the LA County Public Library saved us $42 at the La Bra Tar Pits and $24 at the Autry. I recommend checking that out if you are expecting out-of-town guests and want to do some sightseeing on a budget. Even though the e-bikes were expensive to rent, that was one of my favorite things we did. I also loved the gardens (Japanese and Rose).

It was hard to keep to the diet while playing tour guide, but it was equally awesome to spend time with family. Keeping busy and doing lots of light walking kept my mind from stressing out.

We've ordered the next round of medications: estradiol, delestrogen, methylprednisolone, endometrin, and progesterone. I'm doing my best to stop from googling all those names to read up on the side effects. I'm just waiting for my period to start. This cycle has been long: today is day 33 and it has not started yet.

I have been going to acupuncture. I finally found a practitioner who took my insurance with no issues. I've had 3 visits now. The first visit, he told me that his goal was to increase circulation. I had a wonderful explosive diarrhea when I got home, so I'm guessing that worked. The second visit, he told me his goal was to make me feel safe. He said, "unless the mother feels safe, there can be no baby." The third visit, I found myself meditating on that feeling of safety and love. I was chanting a mantra of: I am ready and I am willing. Also: I am safe and I am loved.

At the Last Bookstore, I found a book called Sacred Woman which has some ideas for altars. I was thinking of putting together an altar anyhow and I have some time now to do some sculpting and painting so I will incorporate her suggestions for altars in those craft projects. I don't know if I can follow the author, Queen Afua, in all of her herbal recommendations and suggestions towards veganism, but I can definitely consider some of her yoga poses and dance moves for tapping into the divine feminine energy.

Fertility Part 11

Today, Monday, is the beginning of another two-week cleanse (our fourth cycle). Two weeks ago we attended my aunt's wedding in Stinson Beach (Bay Area, Northern California), which I have written about in Fertility Part 10. One week ago, I attended my grandmother's funeral in Lincoln, Nebraska. 

For fitness, I've been trying to walk, bike and swim more than usual. At Stinson Beach, I tried boogie boarding for the first time. It was totally fun! I attended the Ride of Silence, honoring those who lost their lives due to cycling in the past year. I also participated in Bike to Work Day, even though I live really close to where I work. Normally, we participate in watching a stage of the Amgen Tour de California, but we just have too many other things going on right now. I haven't been doing much rollerskating, but maybe I'll go to Skateland for Adult Skate Practice tomorrow (10:30am).

It was a joy to be a part of these two important family events (wedding & funeral). I had not even unpacked from the wedding so it was no problem to pack very quickly and hop a flight to Nebraska for the funeral. It was tempting to eat in the airport restaurants, but I brought lots of food with me. On the way there, I had chicken and zucchini pesto and hard-boiled eggs. The hungover party animals in the Las Vegas airport were mystified when I pulled those out of my bag. On the way back, I had lentils and roasted root vegetables. I also had some dried peas and beef jerky.

It was hard to keep to the diet in the times of joy and sorrow, but we managed to celebrate Mother's Day with the most diverse and delicious buffet. My sister, Karly, made pulled pork and brought cocktail shrimp. My mom made a pear salad, Brussels sprouts and a celery salad. I brought a green arugula salad, lentils, roasted root vegetables. We had cole slaw and buns for people to eat the pulled pork as sandwiches and there were potato chips that nobody ate. For dessert, we ate sliced strawberries and yogurt with protein powder (for me) or Cool Whip (for everyone else) My sister, Steph, had just moved into a new house so it was good for her to just be there and enjoy the food and company. Cooking and baking are things we all learned from our mother and grandmother. 💓

Every day I was in Nebraska I had a smoothie, since my family was at one time on a NutriBullet kick, they each have one. I even thumbed through the NutriBullet recipe book for future reference. Lots of the smoothies on The IVF Diet follow the formula outlined in the NutriBullet nutrition plan. That's 50% greens, 50% fruit, some water, and a boost. The boosts include nuts, seeds and dried berries (superfood). I am so grateful to my family for taking this IVF diet seriously and making sure I had access to grocery stores and the tools and time to make what I needed to eat.

My parents even tried a high-protein pasta made with edamame. I thought it was good. It was definitely relaxing to be back in Nebraska. It was so much quieter than out here in California. I got lots of sleep (even though my FitBit died). I tried not to worry so much about losing weight and instead focused on spending quality time with family. In this time of hopefulness about the "AA" embryo, it is so wonderful to know that my family is 110% behind me and ready to help and support this fertility journey.

It also felt good to get back to California. It did take a few days to re-adjust. I got back on Wednesday. Immediately I went out for lunch with some of my female colleagues. It was nice to have some time to decompress and gossip a bit. Thursday I pretty much binge-watched Pose on Netflix. In the evening, we attended the candidate forum for LA city council district 12 at CSUN. Friday, we helped with the Chemistry & Biochemistry department graduation party. Saturday, my sister, Steph, came into town so we spent the day cooking and cleaning. I tried to finish my grading before she arrived so that I could go on some hiking and camping adventures with her and her boyfriend, Jeff. Unfortunately, it was not possible.

After sending Steph & Jeff on their hiking and camping adventure, we went to the Farmer's Market on Sunday morning. We found lots of great things including a European Sea Bass (Branzino). I had a bit of trouble removing the fins, but once baked it was pretty tasty. This morning I made another batch of Tumeric Seeded Bread. I decided that the one appliance we're missing (See Fertility Part 7 for the list) is a food dehydrator. I've been making kale chips and sweet potato chips in the oven, but they end up getting burned.

In conclusion, the IVF diet is working for me. My weight this morning was 195.5 pounds. I know that is still heavy, but sometimes when you get heavy, you start to think that there's no hope and nothing will work. I was tracking my calories with MyFitnessPal and attending HIIT workouts for a year and not losing weight. It was discouraging. But I am having success now that I've been following the IVF diet (loosely). I will admit I modify the diet plan to ensure that I am not getting more than 40% of my calories from carbohydrates and that I am getting more than 25% of my calories from protein.

Dear husband has come up with a system for pre-cutting the fruits and veggies. He finds this modular arrangement in the fridge to be less overwhelming. Another thing we have started doing is saving the containers from the commercial produce and refilling them with the loose items we get at the Farmer's Market. Hello Life Hack! And now, we wait for the next menstrual cycle to begin another round of hormones! As I stated in a previous post, my goal is to lose another 4 pounds before the embryo transfer (about 2 weeks from now).

Fertility Part 10

We have come through a full cycle from when we started The IVF Diet. We have done the two week cleanse entirely twice. I have had my second period after egg retrieval. Last weekend we attended a wedding in Marin County, north of San Francisco, on the coast. I thought it would be challenging to stick to the diet, but it was actually okay.

Sausalito, CA with Sister and Husband

Our hotel, the Fairfax Inn, was near a coffee shop, Coffee Roastery, which offered terrific smells as well as smoothies with an available protein boost. This was our breakfast on Saturday and Sunday. I felt that this was a good sign and that it would be good to trust the universe that the rest of the trip would be just as easy. Through this process, I am learning to let go, trust more, and worry less.

I brought with us some gluten-free baked goods, Nutella protein cookies (which we baked accidentally), sun-dried tomato oat crackers, turmeric seeded bread, and granola. On the drive up (6.5 hours) we had a super green flapjack bar, dried peas, almonds, hard boiled eggs, and beef jerky. I packed at least 3 liters of water, so we did stop about three times for bathroom breaks.

The first night was a BBQ, and I had a (bunless) turkey burger and a bratwurst. The second day, I had an open turkey sandwich on oat crackers. The second evening, I had a salmon salad with asparagus. I did eat a slice of wedding cake, but even doing so, my calories did not exceed 40% carbs. That day was very adventurous with lots of activity (wakeboarding, hiking, and dancing) which burned 3000 calories over 7.8 miles and 20,000 steps.

I read that the first period after egg retrieval is very painful, which it was for me, and the second period after egg retrieval comes very late. This was true for me also. My typical cycle length is 27 days but this past cycle (between the first and second period after egg retrieval) was 35 days. I had read that this is normal, not from my doctor, but probably on reddit, so I wasn't worried.

This post is for me to check in with myself. I feel sad because I have lost a bit of weight, but I am worried it will not be enough. A goal would be to get down to 191 pounds, to have a BMI less than 35. Hopefully, my sister will kick my butt into gear with her hiking adventures IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS and I can drop a few more pounds. Okay, 10 pounds is the goal.

We had a great tour of the Marin Museum of Bicycling and Mountain Bike Hall of Fame. It was a fun and educational way to celebrate bike month. We also had a good time on the Blumenfield bike ride, which was on April 28th.

From what I read, again on reddit, the third period after egg retrieval is also late. So that may push things back a bit further. I am not really looking forward to hormone injections again. I am definitely afraid about the embryo transfer not working. But fear does not solve anything, so I am trying to stay focused on what I can do in the meantime (diet, exercise, weight loss) to create the best possible environment for success.

What is Tyvek?

In the summer of 2012 (definitely 6 years ago) we purchased a season pass for the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway. The pass came with an envelope made of Tyvek. I have been using that for a wallet ever since.

January 2018

Before this I was using a plastic Ziploc bag, so I felt this Tyvek thingy was an upgrade. People told me that was weird until I went to a stagette party in 2011 and one of the other bridesmaids was also using a Ziploc bag for a wallet. No surprise because she was also a fitness queen.

Yes, the logo is definitely faded and there are holes forming in the corners, but can you tell me another material that would hold up this well and be so lightweight and compact? We were at the movie theater January 2018 to see the movie 'The Post' and in the lobby they were selling wallets made of Tyvek.

January 2018

These wallets cost $15.00 each which kind of seemed like a lot to me, especially considering the one I've been using was given to me. ProTip: Tyvek envelopes can be ordered from USPS.com in packs of 10 for free.

If you want to make your own "Mighty Wallet" out of a Tyvek envelope, the owner of DynoMighty has posted an instructable here: http://www.instructables.com/id/Express-Mail-Envelope-tyvek-Wallet/

I was so curious, as a chemist, about what kind of material would hold up so well and it turns out that it is a form of plastic. Plastic is derived from hydrocarbons (petroleum) and this type of plastic is high-density polyethylene (HDPE). This is a common plastic in the home, one major use is milk jugs.

What makes Tyvek so strong is that the long chains are not branched. The polymer is formed into thin sheets of parallel fibers. More about the manufacturing process can be seen here.

Last year, DuPont celebrated 50 years of Tyvek and it has found many uses. If you are done with the Tyvek product, you can recycle it at any location where you drop off plastic shopping bags.

If you are interested in the Summer Pass for the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway, the cost is $80 for Adults and they go on sale May 1st. You get unlimited rides up Mt. San Jacinto until Labor Day.

January 2018

BTW I also bought a neon yellow "trucker hat" in summer 2013 and I still wear it almost every day. I think my mother-in-law was horrified because she offered to buy me ANY hat at the gift shop and I chose this one over all the other cute frilly girly styles. 

Even though "trucker hats" are cheap, they are durable and functional. With a plastic mesh back and a large, nearly vertical foam front, this "trucker hat" keeps me cool and I love wearing it while walking or biking because I feel safer because it's "safety yellow." Look out, I'm walking here!

August 2013

What I love about my Tyvek wallet is that I can put it in my fanny pack and hit the roller rink, I can slide it into my sports bra and go for a run, I can fit it into my seatpost bag on my road bike, I can zip it into the side pocket of my yoga pants. It goes where I go and it's slim and durable.

Also, Tyvek is water-resistant and the plastic driver's license, credit card and insurance card inside together with the emergency $20 bill aren't harmed by a little teeny bit of perspiration. So go ahead and get your sweat on! Tyvek is a durable material that can handle whatever you are into.  

Unless you're into finely dispersed iron oxide or zirconium oxide solid superacid catalysts above 700 degrees Farhenheit, in which case your Tyvek wallet could be melted down to a wax.

Shabtai, Xiao and Zmierczak. "Depolymerization-Liquefaction of Plastics and Rubbers. 1. Polyethylene, Polypropylene, and Polybutadiene." Energy & Fuels 1997, 11, 76-87.

 

Goodbye tiny house

Home gym and shoe rack

There were many things we learned by living in less than 400 square feet for almost 6 years. The (lack of) space will help you realize what is really important in your life (and what you can live without).

I wanted to make a video touring our tiny house, but it was so messy that I was too ashamed to let anyone see how we actually lived.

There were at least two huge piles of clothes on the floor. Usually the oversized dining room table was covered with junk (and stuffed with junk below it in bins). There was no way to clean up because we had nowhere to put things away. 

Every year we gave more and more items away, and didn't buy anything new (except bicycles) but we still couldn't fit all our stuff in that house. We had a storage unit 1/2 mile away for $177 per month, which complicated planning for trips.

If you are considering tiny house living, here are a few photos that show items that made our lives in the tiny house more bearable.

A key rack, mounted to a bookshelf

The spice rack

The coffee cup rack

The vanity bench added extra storage

The hat and coat rack

The lipstick rack + tiny wall-mounted shelf

The sunglass rack

Zion NP Packing List

Outerwear

Coat (heavy)

Jacket (windbreaker)

Hat (stocking)

Scarf

Gloves (ski/waterproof)

Underwear

Tights

Long Underwear

Undershirt (camisole, t-shirt)

Performance shirt (long sleeve)

Boxers (briefs or panties)


Tops

Sweatshirt

Fleece (zip up)

Backpack + water bladder

Sunglasses

Sun hat


Bottoms

Thermal socks

Performance socks (2 pair)

Hiking pants

Hiking boots

Flip-flop (sandals, thongs)


Other

Swimsuit

Snacks (Clif bars)

Hike the Verdugos

My favorite part of hiking is "sun on pine." It's my favorite smell in the world.

The picture here is from May 2013 when we hiked the Verdugos as part of an organized event. Since then, we've taken many out-of-town guests and Glendale residents up there.  It's never a disappointment.

We most recently hiked with Walk Bike Glendale and Glendale Parks and Open Space Foundation We met at the Doctor's House and as the sun peeked over the mountains, it hit the plants and the most amazing aroma hit my nose.  It was like a $40 aromatherapy treatment at a spa.  Except it was completely outdoors and completely free.

As you can see from the color-coded elevation profile, it's pretty steady as far as the grade.  The official event page describes it as a 10% grade, and the data from my Garmin watch says that the grade ranges from 7% to 13% so that's a good description.

Here's a photo of all the families that gathered for the hike last weekend.

Here's a view looking down from the top.
You can see the trail we came up snaking downward (in the left of the photo).

Here are the happy hikers at the summit (about 2600').

I love hiking at different times of the year, and different times of the day.  The hike goes up high enough in elevation that you see the flora and fauna changing as you gain in elevation.  I hope our next collaborative event will be Deukmejian Wilderness Park.  Maybe it's because the name contains the word "Wild" but I've been afraid to go up there until now.  Having met the board members of Glendale Parks and Open Space Foundation, I know I have friends to show me the way.

Griffith Park Traffic Plan Presentation

The presentation hinged on four points:

1) public safety
2) shuttle
3) Hollywood sign
4) media campaign

The intersection of Vermont and Western Canyon was heavily impacted during Spring Break.  They propose one-way traffic on Vermont and two-way traffic on Western.  A shuttle would stop at Traveltown, the LA Zoo, connecting to the Metro Red Line at the Sunset & Vermont station.

There will be free parking at the Greek Theater and Section 9.  East & West Observatory Road will have angled parking (metered).  The goal is to redirect tourists who wish to view the Hollywood sign from the neighborhoods to the park.

The shuttle route would be from the Greek Theater to the Obsevatory.  Another shuttle would run from the Greek Theater to a Hollywood sign viewpoint.  A third shuttle would run through the tunnel and back.  Shuttle service would run every 15-20 minutes.

Vehicle traffic invading Vermont and Ferndale would be alleviated.  Hollywood & Western may be designated as the official Hollywood sign viewing point from the Metro system.  There will be shuttle stops outside the park.

Q & A session:

Q. Will Western Canyon eventually become a one-way street?
A. Eventually, but not in phase 1.  Phase 1 will roll out in Fall 2016.

Q. Can you give us more details about the shuttles?
A. They will hold 21 passengers.  There will be 4-5 shuttles total.

Q. What about the sharrows along Obsevatory Road?  Sharrows do not work to improve public safety.  Impatient motorists passing cyclists can cause problems.
SEE: http://bikinginla.com/2013/07/24/embarrassing-video-shows-sheriffs-deputy-doesnt-know-what-a-sharrow-means/

Q. What about the environmental impact of the shuttles?
A. The mitigated negative declaration tells how much emissions the shuttles will generate annually.  The document is available on LAparks.org.

Q. How does the neighborhood traffic exit Commonwealth Canyon Drive?  Residents cannot get to their houses, nor can emergency vehicles access those residents.

Q. Why can't Griffith Park be closed to all cars like Central Park in NYC?
A. We are reaching saturation of cars within the park, so this may be a long-term solution.

Q. Has a bike lane been introduced to the one-way plan?

Q. Can revenue generated by parking fees be used to repave Mt. Hollywood Dr. and keep it closed for pedestrians and cyclists?

Parting thoughts:

The shuttle in Zion National Park is a buzzkill for pedestrians and cyclists.  The selfie culture is dominating wilderness access.

Griffith Park is my Backyard, Too (Mapped on 12/21/2015)

After thoughts:

During public comment, I spoke about how I was among the dreaded Spring Breakers, although it was 15 years ago.  At that time, websites were sparse.  Back then, I found information about the Youth Hostels we stayed at on a webpage, but most of our information was found in travel books and magazines.

As a tourist, I would not have had the sophistocation to take public transportation back in 2001.  Coming from Nebraska, I had no idea how to navigate the Metro light rail system.  I have lived in California for more than 10 years now, and I am just now figuring it out.

This is a scan of the actual scrapbook.

In order to take our photos in front of the Hollywood sign, we drove around the area until we found some neighborhood to park in and hike up a bit.  Some nice locals even took our picture.  I want to say that our "tourist dollars" poured into California, but the truth was that we didn't actually go inside Legoland or Disneyland.  We did a lot of walking in areas that were free.

What I didn't realize at the time is that I was already imagining what it would be like to live in Southern California.  I love the sunshine and recreational opportunities that come with it.  Speaking with a former running buddy, I describe how the streets of Glendale are a dangerous place to go running, but Griffith Park is considered a safe space.  Also, the climbing offered by Griffith Park, in particular Mt. Hollywood Dr. (currently not open to cars), is a great way to train for other longer rides that involve hills.  If I only ride out to CSUN and back, it's too flat to prepare for hills.  

Having a safe space to climb on a bike is EXTREMELY important to those who train for the long multi-day rides such as Aids/Lifecycle, the Climate Ride, and Ride2Recovery California Challenge.

With all the negativity (on the part of cyclists) about sharrows, I did a bit of reading.  It turns out that sharrows are meant to show cyclists the safest place to ride.  I had been confused when there are sharrows in the middle of the lane, I ride in the middle of the lane.  I thought there were no sharrows in Glendale painted to the right of the lane, but here's one example.

Watch this video here.

When a sharrow is painted in the center of the lane, it means that riding to the right side of the lane is not safe, due to parked cars (creating a door zone) for example.

SEE: https://ladotbikeblog.wordpress.com/sharrows/

If you really want to read the entire report regarding "Griffith Park Action Plan" as it is called, see here:

https://d3n8a8pro7vhmx.cloudfront.net/davidryucc/pages/121/attachments/original/1452819495/Draft_IS-MND_GriffithPark_1-7-16_2015.pdf?1452819495

If I, as a cyclist, had to do 2 hours worth of research and reading to really understand a "sharrow" it's unlikely that people will use them as intended.

SF to Salinas Century (May 2015)

The other thing, that I think is related to these issues, is a discussion of requiring cyclists to have safety flags and wear a certain amount of square inches of fluorescent fabric.

SEE: http://www.peopleforbikes.org/blog/entry/why-the-missouri-bicycle-flag-bill-is-not-as-funny-as-you-think

I have no problem wearing fluorescent colors and reflectors and I have a flag for my bicycle that I use when I'm volunteering as a ride marshal or when I ride recreationally along the Pacific Coast Highway.  I wonder if the Park Action Planners realize that opening Mt. Hollywood Dr. to cars will force cyclists like me to start worrying about my safety.  I already worry enough as it is, can't we just have one car-free space to train?  

When I ride among cars, I will wear a safety vest and if on a particularly busy highway, I will fly my flag.  I don't want to have to do all that to ride in my "backyard," aka Griffith Park.

I understand that a helmet is expensive. The safety vest I wear was $15.  I think we paid $12-15 for our flag at a bike shop, but you can buy a 6' flag online for $7. Some helmets cost $60-120 and some are as cheap as $7 (see Burbank Bike Angels).  I have heard that a mandatory helmet law for cyclists is not supported by bicycle advocates due to the cost burden for low-income individuals that rely on a bicycle as their primary means of transportation.  What about the requirements for reflectors ($8)?  Are they not cost-prohibitive?   The lights I use are in a state of constant flux, but $26 was just for a USB-rechargable taillight.  A set of front and rear lights was $39 (in 2013).  Half of our fleet of bicycles is missing the pedal reflectors ($5).  So just to meet the current laws would cost just over $50.  Adding requirements for a helmet, vest, and flag would bloat the cost for the casual cyclist, commuter, or competitive athlete.

The bottom line for me, that I didn't get to articulate in my 1 minute public comment, is that Griffith Park should NOT be open to shuttles or car traffic. #keepgriffithwild