March 2021 thoughts

March 2: We have a block where I let him touch the plants. He knows it now and I see his little hand come out. We talk during that but otherwise LO seems to go into a low energy state during walks and I enjoy that.

March 4: These links can attach an old toy in a new location and they are $5.

March 7: Skipped a few workouts this week, but did some cleaning in preparation for LO's bday and took a few bags & boxes to a Buy Nothing lawn event. Feels good to let go of a few items.

Mar 10: I focus on "developmentally appropriate" as a sorting criteria for toys. I gift stuff LO has aged out of, and/or doesn't play with, to my nephew who is 7 months younger than LO. So yeah we've gotten rid of 0-3 m, all "tummy time" stuff, and some electronics that was epic at 4 mo but is just like yawn now.

Definitely so exhausted I couldn't think of a bedtime story last night. Luckily counting to 1000 outloud also works. Felt inside LOs mouth and we are getting molars, yipee! We went 1, 2, 3, 4, and now 6 before 5 unless I just didn't feel the uppers. Oh yeah.

Mar 13: LO's birthday tomorrow. Can't sleep. Wondering: did I do enough for his zoom party? Which spiraled into: Am I good enough? Am I a good mom? Am I doing enough to promote good habits? Good health? Brain stimulation? Could I have done more? Will I look back on LO's 1st year and be proud of surviving or will I be disappointed in myself for "just surviving?" Like the anniversary of LOs birth is literally just another day in quarantine so there's no need for my mind to be racing.

Mar 15: Zoom birthday party for LO yesterday was fine. It was like any other major life event: graduation, wedding, big anniversary, etc. It went by in kind of a blur. Glad I recorded it. I look forward now to summer, when the semester is over, and we can have a simpler routine. 

If I were to do it again, I would have made a list of some key photos and moments I want to document. I feel like the day went by too fast. I wish I would have taken a photo of me, LO and DH. I wish I had a photo of LO and my mom, who is here IRL. I have been keeping up with LO's baby book so I don't know which pics from the day will end up filling those pages. We had "my 1st bday" boingy decorations and a mylar balloon that we filled with air instead of helium. We had some necklaces and birthday glasses. I hung a sheet as a backdrop on a clothing rack and that was good because it got covered with cake and it was easy to wash. The glasses were not used.

Why are the pockets on my BABY's 2T jeans deeper than the pockets on my SIZE 14 adult woman jeans?

Milestone Monday: We don’t clap or point or walk yet, but we do a SUPER CUTE little booty bounce while cruising when music comes on. My little dancing baby is everything.

Did not make yet but went so far as to (mentally) gather supplies and find a recipe for DIY facial mist. If you're like me, you have some of this stuff leftover from padsicles and pregnancy: aloe vera, witch hazel, rosehip oil, sweet almond oil, peppermint tea, lavender essential oil.

Mar 17: I have been wearing LO in a ring sling lately. I have one that is 78 inches made of a linen-bamboo blend and it is a single layer of fabric. Wild Bird makes a 90 inch version that might be better since I am a plus-size momma. The double-layer ones are supposed to be better for heavier kiddos. Both say they can be used up to 35 lbs. It's good for breastfeeding and naps while I work at the computer. One time, my baby slid off my knee onto the floor because I wasn't holding him. He was okay but after that I started using the sling to prevent that from happening again and it works great. It's not so great for standing, but it's wonderful for sitting because the majority of baby's weight is supported by my leg and not my back.

"I’m going to buy myself a silk ring sling. Baby is heavy and silk is strong and can go in water too. I love my ring sling and we use it all the time—cooking, walking, snuggle time, laundry. If you use it, I think it’s worth it. These kids are getting big and double linen is supposed to be strong. In fact, you’re being more economical than I am. If we weren’t such water loving people, I would go double linen. I talk myself out of a lot of purchases but something that will hold my child as she grows and that I use all the time is not one of them. If your purchase is the same, plus it might fit you better, I can’t talk you out of it."

"Don’t you know you’re in a group of enablers 🙈 jk. I think if you use it and have the resources there’s not much of a reason not to. Especially if you can resell it once you are finished with it (or give to a friend, or donate, or so many other things!). I say do it hehe"

Mar 19: LO was interested in flour tortilla. He took bites. Let them soften in his mouth. Didn't choke. I am so excited!

Mar 22: Baby has been whiny since his 12m shots last Tuesday. I appreciate hearing from others that this seems to be common. Is tantrumy a word? He is getting kind of specific with what he wants but doesn't point, sign or speak it. So that leaves us playing process of elimination with all the stuff in his line of sight. 

He is difficult to feed these days. Our new trick is to give him something to hold in each hand. But that only works for a short time. He loves throwing toys. Underhand, overhand, backhand, forehand flick and chest pass. He is practicing all of them and getting some decent distance.

I did take a few pages from the BLW playbook. I figured if he won't let us feed him, maybe he wants to feed himself. LO enjoyed flour tortillas, boiled carrots and scrambled egg. Most of it went to the dog, who is probably putting on weight faster than ever in her life, poor thing.

I let LO lick the spoon of my raspberry and macadamia nut mousse last night and he seemed to enjoy that. Maybe LO will be eating whatever we're eating sooner than I planned. Oh wait, that would require me to have planned.

Mar 27: Got my 2nd COVID shot yesterday afternoon so planned on a chill weekend of a Harry Potter movie marathon. Had a "perfect day" with LO's naps. Up at 5:30am, asleep at 6am, up at 8:30am, asleep at 11:30am, up at 1pm, asleep at 4:30pm, up at 6pm, asleep at 9pm. 

But alas with all that good daytime sleep, LO was up at 4:30am today! I asked DH to please handle LO so I could sleep a bit more and he did. After a bit of playtime, LO went back to sleep and is still asleep, so I am enjoying my breakfast immensely.

Agenda: RPDR S13, ep12 and then HP y 5, 6, 7a and 7b. And rest and eat soup.

Mar 30: This pandemic is crazy. I ended up taking my baby to work with me yesterday. I teach in-person labs at a University. LO was in the stroller for about 1.5 hours and I wore him in a Lillebaby carrier the other 1.5 hours. LO was really good and seemed to enjoy watching the 6 students carry our their experiments.

DH, who usually watches LO was suffering from side effects of the 2nd dose of the Pfizer vaccine. He kept failing asleep and I knew I could not leave him alone with LO. We would have asked MIL to babysit but she was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, after getting her 2nd Moderna vaccine.

MIL is planning an epic Easter get-together for this weekend, in case it's out last holiday together. DH and I quietly celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary yesterday. All I did to mark the occasion was to post one of our engagement photos on Facebook.

It feels cruel that we are now fully vaccinated and MIL might not survive the year due to cancer. Even though we don't see eye to eye, I wanted LO to know his grandparents. With opposing political views, the strain of the election kept us apart from Thanksgiving until now. They took their guy's defeat pretty hard.

I am wishing we had normal times. No COVID stress. If there was no pandemic, I might have had a babysitter's phone number on speed dial. There are a few other things going on like construction on our building and the cryogen delivery drivers are on strike and our building had a scheduled power  outage... DH is under so much pressure I can't fathom how he is coping.

Mar 31: I got jab #1 on 3/5. LO got his 12m shots 3/16. I got jab #2 on 3/26. This month has been challenging but we're getting through it. LO has been so fussy but others have shared that it's common so other than that, we're fine. EBF + vitamins + solids + purees + water.

February 2021 thoughts

Feb 3: Mombrain is hitting me so hard. I got assigned to teach CHEM 101 two days before classes started. I also teach CHEM 100. The material is the same but one is more accelerated. I have done this in the past (pre-baby). Now I can't seem to remember where I left off with each class from one lecture to the next. I get a feeling of nagging deja vu while lecturing because I have actually just taught that same topic to the other class. I used to be able to have sooooo many hours to myself to think through everything, to come to class with a clear idea of what I would do, and stay on pace and on topic.

Now I don't have the luxury of infinite time to myself. I am dealing with baby until 15 minutes before class and right when class is over DH hands the baby back to me. Ugh. I have got to find a way to keep everything straight.

Feb 5: Just getting tired of LO grabbing my hair and glasses. 😩 I have such bad eyes that not wearing glasses is not an option. All my contacts are gone and to get more I would have to visit an optometrist which I haven't done due to COVID and baby. But now that I am typing this, maybe I should consider going to contacts.

Feb 6: Yesterday I cut my nails, hubby's nails and then the dog's nails while LO watched. Highly recommended. It was like he was going... oh, everyone in the family has to get their nails cut.

I also went on Amazon and bought ALL the hair doo-dads. I am getting so sick of this long pandemic hair and having to have it up all the time. So I got a new set of claw clips and hair sticks. So far I have been doing double braids, space buns, single bun (high, mid, low), side bun. My hair is long enough now for a chignon or French twist. I considered a doughnut bun thingy but not sure it's necessary and maybe I don't have enough hair for that yet. I don't give a crap about looking cute. I am just trying to avoid headaches. The instant I take my hair down, LO is yanking TF out of it. What are y'all doing?

Feb 7: DH wants to take LO to see MIL. They plan to meet at 10am which means they will leave the house at 9am. Do I pump ahead of time? Do I pump while they are out? It's going to be our first long stretch apart. I teach until 5pm. Help! My baby BF at ~2-3 hour intervals (24/7). Am I fearful because I think my baby needs me and I'm just being self-centered? Or is this a bad idea? I guess DH will feed LO water and purees. LO is a good drinker from a straw cup but rejects bottles.

Feb 8: LO woke up at 4am. Gave up trying to sleep at 5am. Jumping & crawling until 6am. Nap & snuggling until 7:30am. Baby was practicing standing unassisted until 8:30am. Commence breakfast. Nap at 10am.

Feb 11: Got some samples of toddler Enfamil and LO was absolutely cracking up watching me throw and catch the packet. Maybe he was just on a banana sugar high.

Feb 12: Reorganized furniture because LO's reach is getting higher and higher. He isn't climbing yet, but I get nervous when I see how curious and resourceful he is already. I want to make it easier to keep the floors clean and I am obsessed with tidying up multiple times per day in some kind of futile attempt to have order. Or at least not step on any sharp plastic objects.

Feb 13: My baby wakes around 5am but goes back to sleep around 6am when my husband leaves for work. I guess I count that as night sleep. Then LO wakes between 7:30 and 8:30am. He naps around 10 or 11am. He naps around 2 or 3pm. But sometimes he skips the afternoon nap especially if the morning nap is pushed to noon or 12:30pm. Bedtime is between 6:30pm and 8:30pm again depending on whether he has had 1 or 2 naps. Since I teach at the university, my schedule is different Monday/Wednesday and Tuesday/Thursday. Then Fri/Sat/Sun are more free-form but generally I try to maintain the routine.

Feb 14: For me the littlest things I look forward to. There are things I do on certain days like I call my mom on Tuesday. Make my meal plan on Wednesday. Watch Masked Dancer on Thursday. Library storytime on Friday. Watch RuPauls Drag Race on Saturday. Family Zoom on Sunday. Monday I do a fun workout. I realize these only take up 30-60 minutes out of a 24 hour day, but knowing I have a little something to look forward to each day keeps me going.

Feb 15: I hate waking my baby. When he's sleeping so sweetly. Ugh. He was super clingy last night, touching my face and hugging my arm all night. But momma wants to do her workout and we gotta get this day started! Motivational Monday!!!

Feb 16: Faaaaaaaa working with no childcare sucks. That is all. 

I have committed to trying allergens on Friday when I have a day off, but now I will factor in naps. No giving LO a potential allergen before a nap. In case he has an allergic reaction in his sleep. The reaction should be noticeable within 2 hours, so feed when he first wakes up.

Feb 17: Try to be easy with yourself. Not all babies follow the prescribed timeline. Even if you're doing everything, sometimes baby is just not ready.

Feb 19: DH and I are constantly at odds over the thermostat. He prefers a balmy 72 to 78 F whereas I would be happy anywhere between 64 and 68 F. I can abide 70 F if there is a cool mist humidifier pointed at my naked back.

I feel for all those without power in cold climates. I grew up in an area where ice storms and blizzards would knock out power. It's worse if you're not used to it, you haven't prepared, you don't own the warm clothes. Even though I live in Los Angeles now, I do sometimes go back to Nebraska in winter. I'm always caught off guard by how inappropriate my clothing is. I hope power is restored for you soon. The heater is running. DH has left for work. I am naptrapped. My skin is itching and I feel like a piece of frying bacon 🥓.

Feb 20: We have no help. I have been super selfish with my baby. I hate taking my attention away from my baby. I wish I didn't have to juggle baby and work. I work from home. I teach university classes. I have a ~70% of full-time load. If I did have full-time help I'm sure I would be resentful of those times I couldn't be with my baby and someone else was getting all the cuddles and smiles. But also I might say that when I have quality time with my baby, it seems more valuable. If we're together 24/7, sometimes I do get touched out.

I can see how babies are successfully raised in villages or extended family situations. Some societies still do this really well. But it seems like the USA just isn't set up this way. We are nuclear family units and AND we are expected to go back to work after a short (6 week) mat leave. How?!

COVID has changed everything. Without it, I would not have been WFH. We would have put our baby in day care. I wouldn't have known what I was missing. I try to find that quality time and try to be happy my MIL is an extended family member who can also have a great relationship with my baby.

Feb 21: The past few weeks I have been addressing my skin care routine. A month ago I got a facial roller. A week ago, I started using a night serum with vitamin C. It says apply to a clean face which has encouraged me to wash my face at night. I apply the serum with the roller.

I am also changing up my daytime skincare routine. I teach on Zoom 4 days a week. In order to light up my face and darken the chaos of baby toys in the background, I turn on a ridiculous amount of lights. Like 7 light sources. It finally occurred to me that maybe I should wear sunscreen. I had not been wearing sunscreen because COVID and I never leave the house. But I think the sunscreen has been good to protect the skin on my face from the Zoom lights.

I have rosacea that seems to have gotten worse during pregnancy and postpartum. I hope it gets better with these new measures in place. I care less about how it looks, but it is painful and itchy when it is running out of control.

I also bought a bunch of hair doo-dads. My hair has not been cut for a year and a half. It is a pixie grown out to medium length. It has been fun experimenting with new updos. Claw clips, hair sticks, spiral hair ties and I'm still waiting on a donut bun kit. It sounds like a small thing, and it is, but the small things are the only things we have during this pandemic.

I had great plans and intentions (autocorrect tried to make it tensions, which is a bit close to the truth). But my baby and I ended up sticking with just a few things that were easier. What kept you motivated to keep introducing variety?

For us, I would make a batch of something and freeze it into a mold. There are 10 wells that hold about 30 mL (2 Tbls) each. Then we would try each food a 3-4 times and baby wouldn't really go for it. I just recently fully gave up on variety and threw away the stuff LO wasn't really eating. Now we rotate through rice cereal, avocado, sweet potato, butternut squash, yogurt, bananas, applesauce and pears. All puree consistency. I had to stop reading the "feeding friday" thread because I felt so guilty. LO is just now getting the hang of biscuits and puffs.

My mom tried introducing Cheerios to LO at 6 months. He gagged a lot. He still gags if the puree isn't smooth enough. He sometimes spits up breastmilk still. His spit up was so bad at one point we were going through 15 burp cloths per day. So I feel like he's just a bit slower than other babies for that reason. But I do feel optimistic that he will catch up. He can feed himself from a preloaded spoon. He can drink water from a straw or open cup. I know eventually he will eat what we eat. But in the meantime, we will follow LO's lead until the pediatrician says otherwise.

Feb 24: If the clothes don't come out of the wash smelling clean, I clean the washing machine. You can use a tablet (Affresh) or follow the steps here to use baking soda and vinegar. I do one or the other appropriately monthly. I didn't know anything about this until I started cloth diapers.

My baby is napping on my left arm today. My phone and coffee are on my right side! 📱☕ Small wins people. I use my phone for work a lot. I compose in Google Slides or Docs and then edit later on my big screen. Sometimes I wish my computer could do predictive text. Thank goodness for small handheld devices.

I used to rigorously clean everything that came into the house. All eating utensils were sterilized prior to coming in contact with LO's mouth. Yesterday I brought home a toy that had been used by several families and I didn't even clean it before letting LO play with it (read: put his mouth on it).

Feb 25: Ugh. I just asked my husband to take the baby upstairs for a nap. He snores (DH) and I am trying to WFH. I told him that he is likely to fall asleep while the baby sleeps and he is likely to snore and it is likely to annoy me (to be working while everyone else is sleeping). He acted like he was totally offended and reminded me that I used to snore while pregnant. Ouch! GTFO. Having these shared spaces is a real pain in the @$$. LO's play area is my Zoom / WFH area. I don't go to school to work because it's easier/safer to have LO here. We have no childcare. I hate this.

DH asked me last night, "Can you image life without LO?" He was all romantic about it, like how life-changing having a baby is... I was like (in an instant) "Yes." Because I feel like my life before LO was pretty cool and I had kind of given up on becoming a parent because we had waited so long (like 8 years of TTC). It is SO HARD to balance working (even part time) and being a parent (which I do enjoy, but...). Gosh. I just can't work like I used to. I don't want to. I would rather spend time with LO and DH. I do love being a mom. But I also hate balancing all this. Last semester I was ~70% of full time. Same now. Can't wait for summer break. We have no help.

I have not tried cheese yet, but I have resolved to try new potential allergens every Friday. Maybe we'll try cheese today. Or maybe shrimp. Or maybe eggs. I noticed a milk allergy at 6 mo. Then again today at 11.5 mo. He's fine with yogurt but not milk or half & half.

Feb 28: I cleaned out some spaces in closets that were occupied by stuff I haven't used or needed. It was hard, both physically and psychologically, but I wanted to make room for new stuff. Yea for our Marchlings' birthmonth!

We took out 7 kitchen garbage bags full of paper and 3 lawn size garbage bags of 3-ring binders. I got rid of 2 diaper boxes full of shirts that no longer fit. I purged 3 gallon sized bags of makeup. And I regifted some mani-pedi kits that I wouldn't use because I took all my nail polish to the hazardous waste disposal when I got pregnant. Then I was able to put away some things that were sitting out and overall we have less clutter.

Do you wrap birthday presents for LO? Is there such a thing as edible wrapping paper? Still 2 weeks until LO's B-day but I am thinking about it constantly. We got some "it's fun to be one" and "my 1st birthday" clothes this week, secondhand of course. My friend sent some decorations. Family are sending gifts in the mail. I got some new balls for his ramp and some new fixtures for his water table. We got a used wall hanging that has inches and feet on it. One brand new PJ. My mom (G-mama) is coming out. We might do a Zoom party. Advice? Ideas? Grandma wants to do a cake smash.

January 2021 thoughts

Happy New Year! My big accomplishment of last month was using up all my Hoopla borrows. I have been binging on the "Jessie Hunt" series by Blake Pierce in audio book format. I rarely use all my 15 borrows, so any month I do is a good month. If you don't Hoopla, it's an app from the Public Library that lets you stream audio/video or read ebooks.

I'm grateful for this group keeping me writing microblogs that I can string together later. It's nice to have a twice daily reminder to write stuff down. My sister's baby was born in October and she didn't get a baby book. Not sure why I'm so obsessed with keeping records, but I think it's because I have a pretty bad memory. I hope that if everything is in the cloud, I can look at it later and remember. And if not in the cloud, I will have a few selected printed memories.

I have started telling stories to LO from memory. It's interesting trying to come up with a long enough story to help him fall asleep. I tell him memories from my life, e.g. how I met daddy, my first half-marathon, trips I took for work. I tell him any fairy tales, fables or movie plots that I can remember. It's nice. No nightlight. No pages to turn or rip. He doesn't know what I'm saying but it seems to do the trick. Then after he's asleep, I put on the audio book to put me to sleep.

We went out for a walk today. Saw lots of other families. Even one who had a kid within 2 weeks of our baby's age. I commented to DH that if not for COVID we would have asked for their phone number and set up a playdate and maybe even taken turns babysitting each other's kids. These are our neighbors. This is our neighborhood. Simple as that. But because of COVID, we stay away from each other. It's so sad and we didn't plan to have our babies in isolation. Never forget this bumper community. We all know some of what each other are going through, even though we each have a unique journey. I don't know how history will remember this time, but I hope HERstory will remember how we all jumped online and gave freely our ideas and support for each other.

Jan 3: I just started following Evolutionary Parenting. So far winter has been brutal because DH wants the house at 70 degrees and I am happier at 63.

Jan 4: My Fit4Mom group meets outside, wears masks, and the instructors do temperature checks. I stopped going in person because for me it isn't fun working out in a mask, the restrooms are closed, and it's a 25 minute cross-town drive. They have daily Zoom workouts so I am still working out, just not out of the house.

We almost ran out of disposable diapers and so DH actually started using cloth. It was the most buy-in I've ever seen and it was glorious.

Also I challenged DH to be fully in charge of all timing of LO's meals and sleeps. He decided when, where, what, all of it. I enjoyed the mental vacation immensely.

I have been avoiding stupid work virtual modules on harassment, data security, etc since I went on mat leave. Did the 1st one out of four that I'm behind on this morning. LO was playing independently then crawled over to me and bonked his head on the leg of the desk. It was approaching naptime so I put him in a carrier. We've mastered BFing in the carrier, so that kept him distracted for a bit. But he wouldn't go to sleep. Bounced and swayed, no nap. Sang Alouette, Gentille Alouette (highly recommend) and a fit of giggles. Finally finished the stupid 1 hour module and put baby down for a nap. Only 3 more modules to go...

It used to be so easy to sit down with a cup of coffee at the computer and knock this stuff out. Now I want to spend my precious few productive minutes doing ACTUAL work like updating syllabi and preparing lessons. I'm sorry but I really hate these virtual training modules. I wish I could pay a task rabbit to login as me and do them.

Had a dream about circumcision last night. LO was crying and saying 'don't take my duckie.' WTH? We didn't circumcise because of COVID lockdown and LO's hernia surgery was traumatic enough. DH said it probably won't happen. So I think I was dreaming of LO whimpering because he was ACTUALLY whimpering because he's teething. And I know he's fond of his 'ducky' because he grabs it during every diaper change, but he certainly can't say entire phrases yet.

Started calling Albert SHARKNADO 🦈because he is a biter. When he bites while breastfeeding, I end the nursing session.

I think this is the phrase "sleep when the baby sleeps" coming back to bite us. My husband does this too, like always defaulting to trying to get LO to sleep and then wondering why it doesn't work.

We only fed LO one meal yesterday because DH got home early from work and our nap/activity schedule was all off. The baby is still BF so it's ok. But I get tired of always being the one to think of feeding and nap schedules. Sometimes like yesterday I wait to see if DH will spontaneously feed LO but that's ridiculous. DH doesn't even responsibly feed himself. He waits until he's super hungry and then eats junk food. Like why would I even think he could be reliable in feeding LO?

I just keep hoping DH will come around. The trouble starts when we're both here. DH can be very good about feeding LO when mommy's not around.

I'm sad DH spent $350 on a third vacuum. I feel like I do extra work around here to save $12. He doesn't clean. I begged him to just use what we have, which works fine BTW. He just 'fixes' things by throwing money at problems. But... I DID find out why he doesn't use one of the vacuums we already have by talking it through. He used our current second vacuum ONCE on the day he bought it. While I was pregnant he wanted a lightweight vacuum so I wouldn't have to carry the one we keep upstairs up and down. Our townhouse is two levels. Anyhow, he use it ONE Time Only and ended up knocking over and breaking a lamp. Now he just doesn't ever vacuum. I guess he got traumatized. So now he's buying a super pricy cordless vacuum and at least I know why. Still I asked him to buy me a $10 push broom while he's at it. I want it to clean the garage so I can do my fitness in there while DH is out at work. I've been wanting it for months so I think it's a fair compromise.

Our Walmart (Porter Ranch, Los Angeles, California) shut down for "cleaning." With regards to COVID: We [as a nation] have demonstrated the outcome when a patchwork of half-hearted strategies are used. Wonder how different the outcome would have been with a consistent directive.

Jan 15: Had spent winter break planning to teach remotely. Got a last minute change in schedule. Now teaching an in-person lab class. Tiny bit more pay. Lot more COVID risk. Possibly less prep for teaching. Possibly less grading time. Definitely more contact hours (time away from LO). Childcare now more complicated.

Researching how and where to get COVID test. Talking with colleague about how to handle if a student gets sick. His answer: Nobody got sick last semester. Yeah sorry. The # of cases is 4x higher than the last surge over the summer and 10x higher than baseline so I anticipate someone testing positive. What if it's me?

I find it irresponsible to not have a plan in place and in the syllabus for what we'll do if any of us test positive. Gonna call my insurance and ask how many tests are covered. If I can, I will get myself tested weekly. If our sports players and elected officials can get daily tests, I can too.

Trying to stay positive. Trying to get information. Don't know when I can get vaccination. We're dispensing Tier 1 now, which is health care workers and seniors. Tier 2 is teachers. They're saying seniors have to wait until February at least. I will likely be interacting with students in-person before then.

I know we will be wearing masks and social distancing. It will be my job to ensure everyone (all 8 students) stay in compliance. It's hard to do lab work in glasses, goggles and a mask. I know: whaaaaa. <sarcastic crying, playing tiny violin> I know Healthcare workers have to wear lots of PPE these days. I just need to adjust my thoughts. I was not planning for this.

I taught a lab last semester but it was virtual. I wore all the PPE so I know I can do it. But I wasn't looking after the students in person. It is hard to get them to keep their goggles on in non-COVID times. They always complain that their goggles fog up. Just imagine how much worse it will be with masks. Ugh.

Jan 20: Had a Zoom work meeting yesterday. My colleague who has 3 kids pointed out again that my LO is the perfect age to be in quarantine. As opposed to her school-age kids which are driving her crazy. While this might be true, it's just so unhelpful to play pain Olympics. I love staying home with LO. I'm sorry her kids stress her out. I hate that she aggressively compares her experience to mine. Moms with older kids will never know what we who gave birth right when lockdown started have experienced.

This post-holiday surge in COVID-19 cases has my mom second-guessing her trip to be here for LO's 1st bday. Fine. I don't want her getting sick. But it's a FUCKING LONG GRIEVING PROCESS for us parents of pandemic babies. We lost a lot and continue to have our joy stolen with each milestone. I am getting renewal notices from stuff we signed up for like museums, parks and zoo memberships. I dreamed of taking the baby on outings. We paid those memberships and didn't use them once. Seeing the renewals is another reminder of what could have been. We are learning quietly about extended family members who have died of COVID-19. We continue to quarantine. I just can't get excited about inauguration day because it feels like a different figurehead but Pandora's box is already open. It doesn't solve the immediate problems.

I know some of my panic is because 1 in 3 people in my county are infected. I start in-person teaching next month. I only have 8 students in the classroom but that means 3 of us might be infected at any given time. They are opening up a vaccination drive-thru on campus but only people over age 65 are invited to sign up at this time. There's probably no way I will be immunized before I begin teaching. Gah. Sorry for the rant. On a positive note... I did a Zoom workout on Saturday with the lady who was my fitness instructor while I was pregnant in pre-COVID times when we did in-person workouts. She remembered me and got to see LO through Zoom. It was cute. She did a nice meditation at the end of the workout.

Jan 21: For the nails 💅 morning is better than evening. It's so bad here I do like just the index finger on both hands then wait until the next feeding. Then do just the middle finger on both hands. Like that until I eventually get to all fingers.

Jan 22: I wish for a solid skin care routine. I feel at a complete loss. It's not a priority. With working part-time (10.5 contact hours + grading & prep) and caring for LO full-time, it is enough that I shower every other day. But my skin on my face is suffering and I need a total reprogram. I just don't have the energy after making decisions about LO all day. I did get a facial roller for myself after meditating on my goals for the new year. A friend sent me a night serum. So I guess I'm on my way, but I just have to get all the way in. When I was teaching full-time at a prestigious liberal arts college, I was expected to look a certain way. I had a vanity set up in my bedroom and took great pride in keeping up my appearance. That was 8 years ago. On a positive note, I had a craving yesterday for a maxi-dress. My friend sent me one in the mail about a month ago. I put it on and tapped into my mother goddess energy. I put LO in a ring sling and felt like an Instagram model.

Jan 23: My friend told me her husband didn't get good at "dadding" until their kid was 4 or 5 years old. Maybe the long view is something to look forward to. I know I get so resentful when I feel all the feelings. I rarely get a break and my husband's specialty is supervising naps (so he can sleep too). He rarely initiates LO's meals. But, when our babies aren't babies anymore, maybe our DHs will be able to watch them for longer periods of time. I know we still BF so I'm needed every 2 hours or so.

I am WEARY today. Tired to the bone. Crying for no reason tired. Classes start in 2 days. Feeling fine about it. I must have faith that we'll figure out a new routine. Maybe it's the emotional hangover from inauguration week. Maybe it's because LO is clingy, teething and up at all hours of the night nursing. I am so grateful to Mashup Mom for a weekly meal plan. I did a bunch of cooking early this week and then ate leftovers. I did get a bit sad that I'm not losing weight, but it isn't my main priority right now. Put photos in LO's baby book for months 9 and 10. Also crawling and standing milestones. No birthday plans for LO. I guess we'll play it by ear with where we're at with vaccinations and community spread at that time. Sad but better safe than sorry.

Jan 26: My department gave me a third class to teach at 6:37pm on Saturday. Class starts in 75 minutes and I'm mostly ready. But dang! That was some last minute $&!#.

Jan 28: Our wedding anniversary is in March and I just asked DH if there's anything he wants to do. We will have been married 13 years if we make it 2 more months. I feel my identity is "mom" now and also "teacher" because I'm working. It seems like "wife" comes last (or not at all). DH was like... isn't it enough that we're doing our part to propagate our species by raising LO? What do you want, to lock ourselves in the bathroom and get freaky for 20 minutes? I'm like... No thank you. But I am a little jealous of all the pregnancy announcements. Glad some of us are getting lucky. We are staying home because of the pandemic, so going out to celebrate is not an option.

Jan 30: Thanks to a recommendation from one of you all I got arch supports in mid-October. I pushed through workouts despite a lot of foot pain. Gradually my feet got stronger. Now I can exercise (and everything else) without arch supports. I also started taking collagen in my morning coffee in mid-November. Can't say for sure it's working, but I am much stronger. I still feel pain in my knees but I probably just need to stretch more. In September I started weekly meal planning. Mid-November I started following Mashup Mom and shopping at Aldi. It has reduced my stress and provided healthy food for my family. Another brilliant recommendation from this group. As a scientist, I would love to know cause and effect. But in terms of health, a holistic approach is not focused on one variable or one outcome. On the whole I feel better.

I totally want one of these. we're using this piece of crap right now. I have it wrapped in a sheet but it's not comfortable.

December 2020 thoughts

I gave LO a pacifier the other day and he played with it happily for about 20 minutes, which is longer than some toys. He put all parts of it in his mouth and chewed. His coordination is so good now, he can manipulate it even though it had no "handle."

I had a dream that I got fired and it made me so happy. Even though we're virtual, in my dream all the students showed up in person. It has been SO HARD. I feel so stressed. DH takes LO out during my class so I don't hear the crying. But otherwise baby is here. If I try to work, LO has taken to screaming at me. If I don't hold him for naps, he only sleeps for 10 minutes.

I used to be on campus 40+ hours per week at 93% of full-time. We always planned for me to keep working until my student loans are repaid, but that's 5 years from now. We had planned to put LO in daycare 3 days per week, which would have cost 1/3 of my salary. Because of COVID we are keeping LO at home instead.

DH is supposed to be "on call" but he still goes to campus 5 days a week and sits in his office blogging, day trading, and doing non-profit work. When he's here, I get upset because he's always falling asleep and not watching or playing with LO. So we end up bickering.

I don't know if what we're doing is best for each of us or not. It's just what is. I don't know what we'll do next semester. It all depends on what classes I'm offered. We're for sure virtual again. Daycare is available. We're just choosing to go without. I hate the circumstances but I love my baby.

We love rain 🌧 https://youtu.be/ajABt8KCho8

I'm still stressed from Monday when I looked at the nutrition facts on the baby's rice cereal. I started feeding rice after my pediatrician shamed me for exclusively breastfeeding for the first 4 months. She said the baby looked pale and I should start giving baby cereal with iron. Yea so I looked at the box and it said serving size 4 tablespoons. The entire box is only 16 servings. One box has been lasting me over a month. Strike 1. Then I looked at the iron. A full serving provides baby 60% of the RDA for iron. Strike 2.

So today I tried feeding the baby like 3 times as much as I normally give him. He's a super slow eater. Like breakfast started at 8am and ended at 11am. WTF? This can't be right.

Albert seemed to be spitting up more lately too after a temporary improvement. Dunno what that's about.

We spent Dec 6th childproofing after a nice breakfast, clean kitchen, doing laundry, going to groom the dog, holiday cards are almost done, maybe we'll hang lights upstairs.

We took LO to look at Xmas lights. DH took an "In-N-Out Day" picture of me and LO. All in all, an epic weekend. I realized that my kitchen is actually my refuge and I WANT to spend more time in there. Planning to bake so many holiday treats this year. Ordered supplies on Amazon so today I am on "package watch."

The March 2020 Bumper group has lots of discussion about TTC which I'm like cool cool cool. Some are happy to be already pregnant again. And I'm like having all these thoughts about miscarriages. For them. They're posting pics of lines on sticks and I'm just thinking how that doesn't mean you're going to get a live baby, but I don't say anything.

I had my son via C-section and I'm 40 years old. Even though I would want another, I don't think it will be possible. So it is hard for me to read about other pregnancy posts. I'm like can't we just keep the group focused on the ones we already have? If you start another, can't you share that with the other Bumper group? We have to put CW and TW on posts about breastfeeding and sleep, why can't all TTC posts go somewhere else?

Then comes one thread about TTC using some [banned term] method to get the gender you want and I have no idea what that is, but it made me pretty upset. I wrote a kind of snarky comment about IVF and genetic testing as a way to get the gender you want. The OP said, "if you can't tell, this is meant to be lighthearted and just for fun." Well I guess I still have some lingering resentment that I didn't have that fun TTC experience.

DH tries to help by napping with LO but when DH is awake, he's always dumping LO into a container and walking away.

Dec 10: I'm so tired today. I'm tired of feeding LO. I'm tired of being behind at work. I'm tired of trying to do everything here at home. I asked DH to watch LO last night after bedtime because I forgot to eat and I was so hungry I couldn't sleep. Pretty much right when I got done eating, LO started crying so I didn't get much of a break. I got a little bit upset with DH last night because we sit on our neighborhood sustainability committee. On a zoom call last night, DH was ignoring LO, sushing him, pushing him out of the frame. It made me feel like LO is at the center of my life but only in the margins of my partner's life. That hurt. DH goes to work outside the home for 5 hours, 5 days a week. I have no idea what he does all that time, he can do whatever he wants. Meanwhile, I have left the house without LO once only for about 3 hours since he was born. Yeah yeah yeah. It was my idea to EBF. I get kind of tired of DH pointing out that it was my idea. I didn't know it would be like this. I know it's temporary, but it's so all consuming. I'm almost done with this semester. Taught 3 classes. Got my schedule for next semester, only 2 classes. So that's good b/c less work but bad b/c less pay. About half what I have been making for the past 7 years. Fuck COVID. I used to teach 5 classes but I took my mat leave in the form of a reduced workload for this semester. I hate doing part-time WFH with no childcare. It's putting strain on my relationship with DH.

Dec 11: I had a mental flashback to when we were all pregnant and worrying about nurseries and packing a hospital bag. It seems both like a long time ago AND yesterday.

Dec 15: I saw a work colleague while doing a socially distanced secret santa dropoff. I haven't seen him since I was 7 months pregnant. So weird.

Dec 18: Wow, T. G. I. F. This was the last week of the semester where I went back to work with a new baby. I'm so glad I will never have to relive this experience ever again. I almost cried yesterday when I finished grading student work. My LO is having so much teething pain. He's been difficult to get to nap during the day and he's having a hard time going down at night. He's biting while nursing so there's that.

Dec 21: We went for a walk last night to look at Christmas lights. DH has a three day week. LO is teething. I can feel uppers coming in. The bottom two erupted together. Not sure what's happening in the upper jaw but it must be painful. Been giving Tylenol infrequently as it can help with naps and bedtime but trying to use it as needed and not as a matter of routine. Aldi unsweetened applesauce was a big hit at lunch yesterday.

I was reflecting on this semester and I was like DAMN. GIRL. YOU. DID. THAT. Great job. Those people's experiences are not like ours. We have our own challenges like really doing all the things and doing them well and not asking for extra time or compensation. I feel motherhood has changed me for the better WRT how I treat my students and I guess I have lost some respect for my childless colleagues who complain about how little time they have.

Got some supplies for sewing 2 quilts. Want to stay productive during lockdown. 1st one is going to be made by cutting up receiving blankets. All flannel pastels. 2nd one is fabric from MIL all navy white and gold with a nautical theme.

The crib quilt I sewed for LO is coming in handy finally. Used it to protect the carpet from spit up at MIL's over Thanksgiving. Also wrap LO in it when he's on my lap listening to bedtime stories. We used to nurse to sleep but between his teething pain and my fear of getting my nipple bit off, we're starting to do storytime until he drifts off.

Definitely spent more than I wanted to at the craft store. I will try to save the receipt and return anything I don't use. Found out I will be working at 50% of my normal schedule for spring. Good News: we can keep going without childcare, spend more time with LO, continue BF. Bad News: we are going to keep going without childcare, no rest, no break, less pay.

We had an awkward Zoom party with our coworkers and LO was super fussy throughout. It was a major struggle even though it was well intended. DH and I work in the same department. He was like: notice how nobody else's kids were on the screen? It's because their spouses were minding them. We didn't have that option. 

Dec 28: Just coming here to say that I used our toilet sprayer and shield for the first time today. We cloth diaper part-time. Since we started feeding LO solids, his poops were very plop-able. Today there was a clingy situation and the sprayer worked great. Was it worth $70 to have the sprayer and shield? There are some unanswerable questions in parenthood. I'm no economist, but using it one time only has been pretty unsatisfying. Not that I want to be spraying every day. Once is fine. I have convinced myself that it is our emergency bidet in case the world goes crazy and starts hoarding toilet paper again.

Dare I do the math for the rest of the cloth diaper nonsense I bought? My husband is a big fan of disposable diapers. I prefer cloth because I just hate thinking of those disposable diapers in the landfill. But I don't use most of what I have. Several friends gave me their stashes. Plus I bought some. In the beginning, it was so confusing. Now I keep it simple so I only use flats and covers. I have a ton of pockets and fitteds that I'm not even using. 

I must ask my friends who gave me their pockets and fitteds if they will be wanting them back. I have 28 flats and we wash every other day if we don't use any disposables. I will definitely sell the AIOs I bought. I keep holding everything for now to see if our preferences change as LO continues to grow. I have no idea of when we will potty train, hence how much longer we will need all the diaper stuff.

Same goes for homemade purees. Dare I calculate the cost of homemade versus store-bought? I'm not a complete eco-freak. I just like cooking. I enjoy making the purees. But sometimes I wonder: is it worth the time and effort? Is it even worth the time it took me to think about and write this post? I do try to think of our options as "all of the above" and not be too rigid to use a combination of whatever makes sense. COVID restrictions have been so game-changing in the sense that I'm home all day every day so there's really no excuse to not use the CDs and make homemade food. Unless I just don't have the energy. Which happens sometimes.

One thing is for sure... I love my baby. I totally felt overwhelmed by the transition from bottles/BF to purees. Still haven't made the leap to puffs/solids.

Dec 30: Started packing up the Christmas decorations today. It's the only project that seems to make sense right now. LO was super fussy throughout breakfast but then cracking up laughing while watching me dismantle a wreath made of eucalyptus. Silly goose.

If you can fit one large mat in your vehicle/house, I would recommend against the puzzle mat. I am getting pretty tired of constantly rebuilding it when the pieces separate. I wish I had one continuous mat. The fence we have is two of these. I got the idea to fence LO in with my computer since I WFH and it's been great. Here's what it looks like with two gates and two alphabet puzzles: Toddleroo Superyard x2.