covid blues

So I got the fall 2023 edition of COVID on my very first day of work

8/23 - W - mtgs

8/24 - R - babysitting

8/25 - F - tired

8/26 - Sat - day 0 - sore throat

8/27 - Sun - day 1 - sore throat + tired - tested negative

8/28 - M - day 2 - sore throat + headache

8/29 - T - day 3 - tested positive - extreme sore throat

8/30 - W - day 4 - extreme headache

8/31 - R - day 5 - leg pain

9/1 - F - day 6 - leg cramps

9/2 - Sat - day 7 - back, leg, foot pain

9/3 - Sun - day 8 - leg pain

9/4 - M - day 9 - fine

9/5 - T - day 10 - fine

9/6 - W - day 11 - fine

The worst part of this is trying not to spread it to others in my household. It's a blessing to have cool weather so we can be together outside. We've been going on long slow walks, which has been helping with my leg pain. We're talking about going to the outdoor pool, the farmers market. Maybe we'll find a drive-in movie.

It's been interesting having Albert back in daycare. I got the house to myself for the two days when my symptoms were the worst. This was so helpful. Mike did everything around the house plus covered two of my classes at work. So thankful for a partner I can trust in those moments.

folding a stroller

We did a new thing at Disneyland this past visit, we parked on-site and rode the resort tram service into the park. To do so, we had to fold our jogging stroller and squeeze it into the bench seat with us. All while managing our 3-year old and multitude of small coolers, backpacks, and diaper bags.

I'm saying all this because we weren't expecting to take the Tram but that's how it works if you park in the Mickey & Friends parking structure. You are funneled from the elevator or escalator, to the security and bag screening, to the Tram. Once our kid saw the Tram, of course he wanted to get on it. 

These tips would have been good to know ahead of time: The front seat of each tram car is wider if you need extra space for your folded stroller. Also you don't need to rush to board the tram. After we got on, they waited a bit for it to fill up so really there was no need to hurry. Also, the tram seats have doors which you need to be able to hold open. So you really need a second or third adult to hold the door, move the stroller, and wrangle the kid.

If you don't have a stroller, you can take this cool escalator.

Since we are magic key holders with an Imagine Key, we could get 25 percent off parking at the Toy Story Parking Area, just South of the GardenWalk. Restrooms inside the Toy Story Parking Area are located near the bus stop. If you park in the Toy Story lot, bus service will take you from the parking area to the parks. The bus will drop you off on the opposite side of the Disneyland Esplanade from where the trams stop, on the Harbor Boulevard side. You can also walk to the parks; it is about a 15-minute walk up and across Harbor Boulevard. (for $22.50)

"From the second floor of the Pixar Pals structure, there is a pedestrian ramp that takes you to the Downtown Disney entrance. You can enter security there and then walk through Downtown Disney to get to the Esplanade. It’s about a 15-minute walk. Once inside Downtown Disney, you may instead opt to take the monorail into Disneyland Park instead of walking. (The monorail does close early at night, so don't count on it taking you back later at night). The monorail turnstile counts as a park entrance, so once you scan your ticket, you can use or purchase Genie+ to start making Lightning Lane selections. We like to mobile order breakfast from the monorail and pick it up at Galactic Grill after disembarking."
https://www.undercovertourist.com/blog/disneyland-parking/

"Toy Story is a surface lot. There is no covered parking, so you won’t have to deal with escalators/elevators/stairs like you do at the parking structures. However if it is raining, windy, very cold or very hot – you’ll be loading and unloading in the elements. Many people find the Toy Story Parking Area more convenient than the parking structures, as there is rarely a back-up of cars waiting to enter and once you’re in you don’t have to drive up a ramp and circle the levels to a spot. Exiting is quicker, too!"
https://www.californiafamilytravel.com/disneyland-parking/

All this to say that by folding the stroller first thing in the morning and then having to cram it in the tram, I hurt my back. Also the walking was killer that day, I was not prepared. We got so many steps. You can't actually cross Magic Way or Disneyland Drive on the street level, we had to backtrack to catch the ramp to the second level. So I have some training to do to get my steps back to where they need to be to be able to enjoy a day at Disneyland.

hungry heart

I don't always get a chance to write when the spark of inspiration strikes. More often I get a moment of clarity and then my 3-year old starts screaming for something and my insight vanishes like a drop of water on the Arizona asphalt. But for now, I wanted to write about the bittersweet return to school. Academia as a career gives me a break every summer and winter. So I do get to step back from my job duties and into my stay at home mom (SAHM) fantasy.

This morning we went to the grocery store to fill the fridge with healthy stuff after it was clear that Hurricane Hilary was no longer a threat. We bought a few things to continue cooking our way through my Disneyland favorites cookbook. It's been such a wonderful summer project.

I got halfway through the things I wanted to sew and then my sewing machine locked up. I haven't been able to fix it myself so I just packed it up and promised myself I would come back to it later. Albert has enough clothes and I can hand sew the rest of the name tags in to his pants and t-shirts. I kind of like doing it by hand anyway. It feels more intentional.

This week we have faculty meetings. I spent the morning doing laundry, dishes, meal planning and doing stuff related to post hurricane. I dumped out all the standing water to prevent mosquitoes. I put the patio umbrellas back up. I re-hung the shade on our garden window.

Saturday night, when I realized we had to cancel our Disneyland plans, I was so sad, I cried myself to sleep. It wasn't just the trip though. It was the stress of the transition from summer to fall. Letting go of all the summer expectations and milestones and to-dos that didn't get done. We had an amazing summer, to be sure. But now it's over.

I listened to "The Retrievals" podcast and relived some of our IVF journey. I looked back at photos from the day we decided to do it, to the week we actually started treatment, to the months between retrieval and transfer, to the early middle and late months of pregnancy. We got rid of the leftover medical supplies this past weekend and it was so freeing. I made my husband help because I needed a witness and I felt like it shouldn't be just my burden. He was there for all the injections, so he should help with disposal of the leftovers. I needed a witness to help observe that the process of disposal was labyrinthine and impersonal and confusing. But for me it was a reminder that we needed help making our son, that he wasn't the direct product of lovemaking, but instead we required a ton of interventions. It was a lot to process actually.

We got a power hub for our Sactional on the 1-year anniversary of buying it. Got a wireless phone charger. Got two more Kitchenaid attachments: Citrus Juicer and Masticating Juicer. Made spinach and kale and apple juice at home. It was yummy and fun. Got a Sous Vide and the accessories. I loved the chicken and I am planning to try it with pork ribs tonight. We love and use our kitchen gadgets so much.

I titled this post Hungry Heart because it perfectly describes the angst I'm feeling right now. I want time and space away from my family but at the same time I crave intimacy with them. I guess that is why they call it "quality time" and why "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I think you can yearn for an idealistic memory of a place, person or experience. Sometimes, as we found at Disneyland, the real thing is crowded, uncomfortable, and stressful. I think that's how parenthood can be too. I feel touched out quite a bit and am somewhat able to tune out the whining, screaming, biting, hitting, throwing and kicking but not all of it. I don't think my kid has any behavioral problem, it's just typical 3-year old "big feelings" or when he is "overtired." But I know I'll miss him when I go back to work because he can be incredibly sweet too.

late summer or early autumn

This past month, since we've returned from our big summer vacation, I've been shoring up our home. The homeyness of our home, the hygge, if you will. I love writing about all the stuff I bought because it makes me feel less weird for wanting that stuff. It helps me explain to myself why I bought it.

Well firstly, I'm keeping my son home from daycare. So that is saving us $1300 per month for June, July, and August. Last summer, I enrolled kiddo in art classes and swim lessons and gymnastics. This year it just made more sense to Not run around town all day and save money on gas.

I guess I could categorize my spending thusly:

Disneyland at home. Cold brew pot. Karo syrup. Creme de menthe syrup. Shave ice attachment. Aroma oils. Humidifier diffuser.

Upgrades to cottagecore. Blackout curtains. Narrow shelf. Mermaid nightlight. Flower stems.

Zhuzh the office. Keurig pods. Fancy clock. New labcoat. Teacher planner.

Fairy garden project. Tealight candles. Tiny gnomes. Preserved moss.

Halloween costumes. Racing PJs. Steering wheel. Pitcrew tshirts.

Gifts for myself. Wagon handle. Breastfeeding jewelry. Clothes and apron. Watch band. Sunglasses.

https://www.dictionary.com/e/how-to-speak-queer-eye/

Well, when I write it all like this, it doesn't seem so crazy. Yes some of it was a bit frivolous, but if you can't spend your money in a bit of a frivolous way then you are just "buying vitamins," or something else that is boring and doesn't really make you enjoy spending money.

In general, it looks like May was an unusually expensive month but June and July were less than average. We had a hiccup this month (August) when our Air Conditioner froze up. Luckily I had a stockpile of popsicles and a shaved ice attachment to distract us from the heat. We had a fun but expensive and unplanned 3-night getaway to Santa Clarita. We ended up having a great time just riding the bus and visiting local garden centers and swimming in the hotel pool.

I bought a Sous Vide setup because I wanted to try it and because there is a pre-made lunch that we like that is Sous Vide chicken and I wanted to see how difficult it would be to recreate at home. If I learned anything from my Disneyland cookbook, it's that some things are best left to the professionals. Gonna give it a try today.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/13aUa6scSGGL80OBDqfk8ybWuD-rrqBYb/view?usp=drivesdk 

I titled this post early autumn because Halloween stuff is everywhere in the stores and because Back to School gives me fall vibes and because I am ready for summer to end.

I am a creator

I have been the creator of memories, travel extravaganzas, and home vibes. I took a style quiz and it categorized me as Cottagecore. I hadn't even known what that was until now, but now that I am aware of it, I can lean in.

We did a lot of rearranging of our upstairs. The King Suite has become the repository of old books, it has a cute seating area and a stretching and meditation area. Behind the curtains, in the bay window, there is a bunch of piles of stuff that I could organize better. It's all our grab-and-go Disneyland packing and travel items. Mixed in with some random blankets and home goods that I don't know what to do with. I did sell some things on the consignment sale, but I could be more aggressive in promoting and letting go of leftover things on Buy Nothing. Or organize the closet better to accommodate that stuff in our King Suite walk-in closet.

The Queen suite is now a bunkhouse. It has toys and books like a child's playroom. It has the LoveSac CitySac which is kind of too big for the space, but we aren't ready to get rid of it just yet. It has a fake tree that doesn't even look remotely real, but it was free, and good ones are like $80. I love the bunk beds. I love the two bedside storage units I got on the last consignment sale. They hold my phone, water, and tissues. I'm starting to leave kiddo alone in the Queen bed and sleeping alone on the bunk bed. It's nice to have the option on these hot summer nights.

I had the bathroom set up like a Disney hotel for my sister's visit in May, but we made all the big changes after she left. We had a mini-Minnie fridge and Mickey single-cup coffee maker in there. I got a new shelf to use more vertical space and bring a spa-quality. I love it. Also, I found a pretty sweet TV stand on the curb, which adds a spot for the TV and some storage for clothes and art supplies. I have the easel in the closet at the moment. But we had such a good time painting, I know I'll be getting that stuff out again at some point. I just got a few new canvases, well they have paintings on them now, but I plan to Gesso and repurpose them.

I finally put up some things in the downstairs bathroom that I've been wanting to do since we moved in here over 6 years ago. My lipstick rack! And a prayer mat that is very decorative with flowers, etc. Leaning into the cottage-core, I know that botanical prints are my style, and maximalist decorating is okay with me. I used some sticky-back Velcro to mount the carpet to the wall. It was a quick fix inspired by all the child-proofing we did. It's fun to see some or all of the childproofing stuff coming down now that the kiddo is nearly 3.5 years old.

Making memories with travel and travel fantasy has been the vibe of July. Since our magic key is blocked out for the summer, I planned some ways to travel to Disneyland virtually, inspired by so many folks who did so during the pandemic closures. I made a cookbook of my favorite foods. I made a playlist of music that you would hear at the park. I bought some aromatherapy oils that are Disney-themed. Bought a Mickey balloon at Dollar Tree. I dress us in our parkwear even when we aren't going out. These are some of the ways we have created staycations that are fun, family-oriented, and not free. Definitely not free. But at least we don't have to endure this brutal 100-degree heat.

It has taken me a long time to source the raw materials for the Disneyland recipes. Which kind of makes me appreciate and yearn for the parks even more. The recipes are quite involved with lots of exotic ingredients and take lots of time and energy to make. When you think of it that way, the park prices don't seem so steep. I thought I would want to cook a lot when we got back from Nebraska, but it's been so hot, I don't want to turn on the oven.

Here is our Nebraska Trip Packing list:

Carryon

1) Umbrella stroller

2) Tula & ring sling

3) Albert's headphones

4) Kelly backpack

5) crackers

6) oreos

7) m&ms

8) cherrios

9) flour sack towel 

10) diapers

11) wipes

12) clothes for Albert

13) toys (separate list below)

14) power bank + cable

15) CARES harness

16) small Mickey backpack

17) Cotopaxi backpack

Mom & Dad

1) underwear (8)

2) socks (7)

3) walking shoes (wear it)

4) flip flops

5) yoga pants (1)

6) shorts (5)

7) sweat pants / jeans (1)

8) tops (7) 

9) sports bras (2)

10) toiletry bag w/ nail clippers, shampoo / conditioner, body wash, hire gel, toothpaste / toothbrush

11) headphones 

12) swimsuits

13) hats

14) Tylenol/vitamins 

15) long-sleeved shirt (1)

16) cable for versa 3

17) Goodr sunglasses

18) garment bag for washing

19) large wetbag for laundry

20) small wetbag for swimming

Albie

1) short outfits (7) 

2) long pants (2)

3) pjs (7)

4) socks (7)

5) shoes (wear it)

6) hat

7) swimsuit

8) swim diapers (4)

9) mud boots

10) cousin crew shirt

Wish I had brought

1) Q-tips

Honestly, we had enough of everything. We did laundry 3 times, about every 4th day. We brought a ton of stuff to occupy the kiddo on the plane but ended up using it on the trip so it was worth bringing but could've been in a checked bag.

Alphabet Water Coloring Cards
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BR37XL5R 

Vehicle Foam Magnets for Toddlers

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07FYC12GX 

Disney Pixar Cars/Planes Ultimate Sticker Activity Pad
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BMMNSL8 

MagnetiBook Racers Vehicle Game
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07BB7PXQT 

Splash Of Color- Magnetic Sorting Set

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B007DYUAKQ 

PlayTape Road Tape for Toy Cars
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00GZ8UE2K

Amazon Basics Reusable Silicone Round Baking Cups, Muffin Liners, Pack of 12, Multicolor
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01KWTGAVQ

POP! Tinsel Pom Bright Assorted 100ct 

https://www.joann.com/pop-tinsel-pom-bright-assorted-100ct/18263004.html

Disney/Pixar Cars 3 My Busy Book -10 Figurines and a Playmat
https://a.co/d/3ZyZcXt

Honestly, everything on this list was a hit except the sticker pad. I know we will use the stickers at some point so it's not a big deal. One funny thing that happened is that I had a battery pack in my carry-on and also the magnetic book. The airport scanners read it as an undeclared tablet and gave us a hard time about it. So just be aware of that, if you're flying with the magnetic book and a power bank, best to take them out and explain what they are to TSA. Another thing that I forgot is that if you have programs downloaded to your tablet on Apps like Amazon Prime Video, Disney+, Paramount+, or Netflix, they will say expired or something when you are in airplane mode. Then when we were able to connect to the wifi, it worked again. Honestly, what is the point of traveling with a tablet if it doesn't play the downloaded content on the flight? We did use it in the airport during our 2-hour layover so it did have some use, but not as much as I thought. More useful was the phone connected to Southwest free onboard wifi and watching a free movie. We watched "The Croods: A New Age." I was surprised to hear the flight crew announce that all passengers using mobile entertainment MUST wear headphones. We had some but I just don't recall a specific announcement before. We brought a monkey leash, harness, and stuffie, but it wasn't as useful as in prior years. He threw a tantrum in the carrier and on the leash. Actually, the umbrella stroller was a godsend and totally saved our asses. We lost our 2nd cupholder by gate-checking it, but it was super helpful and worth it.

Universal Stroller Sun Cover UV Protection Baby Stroller Sun Shade Buggy Pram Sun Rain Shade Blackout Blind Canopy blue https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09VXJJC65 

This cover has been amazing and has taken the umbrella stroller from a novelty to an actually useful and functional piece of equipment. The stroller we have now is this one. I think I bought it for $15 or something like that. It's been great. We even got kiddo to take a nap in it. The only thing it's missing is a snack tray but that would take away from its collapsability. We used to have two cupholders, then only 1, and now none.

Summer 3Dlite Convenience Stroller, Black – Lightweight Stroller with Aluminum Frame, Large Seat Area, Mesh Siding, 4 Position Recline, Extra Large Storage Basket – Infant Stroller for Travel https://a.co/d/01npwmd

We ended up needing an extra suitcase on the way back because we bought some Hot Wheels tracks and my parents gave me some Little Golden Books from my childhood. It was a long trip. It was a great trip. It was painful revisiting childhood trauma and even worse bringing my husband and son into it. It was refreshing to have my adult self and my husband's adult self validating that it was traumatic and there's a reason I now live 2000 miles away. Although it was sad to see how close my parents are with their other grandchildren, I see that it might not be healthy for me to live closer. My mom and I get along so well over the phone, but in person, we're like gas and a lighted match. Not sure who is who in that analogy, but let's just call it volatile and unstable.

Got my new teaching schedule and feeling a bit of back-to-school manic energy. Bought a new lab coat. Letting my hair grow out. Took kiddo to our pool in his puddle jumper and he had a blast. He picked out this set of bath toys at World of Disney in May and then had a meltdown that the wheels didn't spin. Fast forward two months and he is loving them as pool toys.

https://www.shopdisney.com/cars-bath-set-461075339233.html

Wow, this is turning out to be a long post. I'm not even able to convey all the stuff I bought for myself during my birthday month. Let’s just say that I celebrated myself by getting some new Latched Mama rompers, t-shirts, PJs, and jewelry. I have a couple of items I haven't worn yet. One I did wear and kiddo told me I looked pretty which was definitely one of those Grinch moments where my heart swelled to 10x its usual size. This was on my way to the book club. I'm enjoying getting back into reading and logged a few books for the library reading challenge. I'm doing a big deep cleaning here at home, partly because we need it, and partly because I agreed to host the next book club. I got a few pairs of Goodr sunglasses, which I love. I know I said I would put a pause on buying breastfeeding clothing but I just can't. I'm still doing it so often, it seems right to keep going.

How does it feel to be 43 years old? I'll leave you with a few realizations I had while doing yoga this past weekend at Malibu Wines... Thank you for making me a woman. Thank you for allowing me to carry and breastfeed a child. Thank you for making me a teacher. I love my students. I love being a woman. Honestly. I have never felt such a deep and profound gratitude for my body and for my womanhood. And for my hormones. And for not giving up my profession. I do love having summers off to spend in creativity and in love with my son. World Breastfeeding Week is just around the corner: Tue, Aug 1– Mon, Aug 7. The theme is "Enabling Breastfeeding: Making a Difference for Working Parents.”

a mother's love

I stockpile. I take inventory. I squirrel away treats just in case. I plan. I feel like I'm carrying an unfair share of the parenting load.

I think part of the problem is that I had an overachieving mom and my husband had a somewhat absent dad. So my expectations for myself are high while his expectations for himself are very low. He feels it is perfectly acceptable to spend 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes in the evening interacting with our son. The thought of reading a book is something he balks at, he avoids changing clothes, he doesn't want to take the kid in and out of his carseat, he doesn't put food on the table, initiate learning activities, do crafts, help with hygiene... the list of things he will do is very short. Naps or watch TV.

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. Like, I enjoy spending time with my kid and I believe that developmentally it's still better for him to be with his mama than for him to be in daycare. This is only a gut feeling, I'm not basing it on any sort of data or scientific study. I'm just basing it on how I feel and the vibes I get from kiddo.

That being said, we just got a report stating that he does not have a severe enough speech delay to qualify for extended services through regional center. He does have an IEP and he will get extra lessons from the public school system. But only during the school year. I do feel under qualified to help him with this. And I'm torn. It's like some people think it's all gonna work itself out and other people think he has a severe delay. I used to believe he would catch up and just be fine but I feel differently now. I feel it is a problem now and it may continue to be a problem next year. 

Not that having a 100% normal average kid is the goal. It's not. Nor do I feel my kid should be exceptional. But I worry... am I enough as a parent? Am I doing enough? Last summer I just didn't worry about it but this summer feels different. The pressure to do potty training hinges on his ability to communicate. I used to think that loving him was enough and the most important thing. But now I feel obligated to do flashcards and read books and also I feel like my co-parent isn't taking part in this responsibility. Not to mention all the other things like cooking. Cleaning. Shopping. Inventory. 

And add to all this: we were sick last week, kiddo and me. I tried to communicate that I was struggling and that it was a hard week. I tried asking for help. Daddy didn't help but mommy and kiddo survived. I initiated the Teledoc appointment. I picked up the prescription. Now daddy is sick and it's a national emergency. He can't help at all now that he's sick. It is not fair.

I know men and women aren't built the same but right now I am fed up with the way DH can arrive home from work, watch 3 hours of TV, not lift a finger around the house. He expects me to prepare all meals and serve it to him in his armchair. All the while our 3-year old is annoyingly buzzing around me and I don't get a break 24/7. I have to do everything with the kid. Phone calls, sleeping, cooking, cleaning, reading, playing. We are inseparable.

Yes, I know I could do better at carving out time for myself. And maybe that's what I must resolve to do. Or just expect 0% help from my partner and then be delighted when he loads the dishwasher once a year.

I don't want to dwell on anger and resentment. I am having a moms beach day with my friend who is sadly moving to another state. It will be the summer solstice. I hope we have a great day and that nobody gets hurt. No ER visits. Please. Amen.

summertime

The longest days of the year are here. We are weeks away from the solstice and I feel my energy peaking. Tomorrow is the full strawberry moon. 

I have enjoyed filling my time with visiting friends and family. Even though I said I would never volunteer at another consignment sale, I am working tomorrow at Burbank and then skating at Moonlight Rollerway.

Kiddo is becoming a more independent sleeper. It's noticeable. Sometimes he nurses like crazy, sometimes he's just too busy. We put up bunk beds in the house and they're fun but now we have an excess of furniture and we need to downsize again.

I actually got out my sewing machine today.