Fertility Part 17

It is probably pretty obvious why the image I identify with right now is a pincushion. It is a happy image for me because my mother and grandmother had tomato-shaped pincushions and also grew tomatoes in their yard. For me it is the same. The pincushion represents productivity and creativity, practicality and sentimentality, and tomatoes are nutritious and delicious, especially when vine-ripened in the summer sun.

It is not like I love being injected with hormones every day, but I feel like I identify more now with farm animals that are on hormones and steroids to stay healthy and get "market ready." Dear husband noticed that I am starting to build up a bit of bruising on my hind flanks and I am noticing that the injections are hurting more each day. I almost cried during the shots this morning and I had to rush over to a chair afterwards to sit down, have a cry and rest. I let out a little yelp and tried my best not to flinch.

I have mapped out the items we will need from now until the end of the two week wait (TWW or 2WW). The items circled in red are what we need to go and buy from the store right now. The IVF diet really has been a God-send because we do not have that old argument about "what do you want to eat?" It is more like, Oh that is what is on the meal plan today, Ok let's start making it.

Nephew's High School Graduation

I had a really great time attending my nephew's graduation last week. It was one week ago. Dear husband took the day off work and we went down to Newport Beach. We walked two malls (South Coast Plaza and Fashion Island), had lunch with our nephew (the one not graduating that day) and then attended the ceremony (at UC Irvine) and finally had a wonderful dinner with my in-laws. MIL interpreted the results of husb's bloodwork (lipids, glucose, etc). He is fine!

To pass the day yesterday, I started reading this awesome novel that is an origin story. I have been obsessed with the California Missions for awhile now. I have tried to visit as many missions as I can. The really interesting thing about the first section of the novel is that it puts a lot into historical context as far as geography, history and it is clearly grounded it a great deal of research. I feel particularly connected to the places in the book because I know right where they are, but also the descriptions of how it must have been over 200 years ago are fascinating.

I am doing well and was able to reach my "target" weight prior to the embryo transfer. And now I am just taking it easy and letting all the medicines and foods do the work. Yesterday I was feeling a tinge of nausea. Today I am feeling lightheaded, a little dizzy and also have a heightened sense of smell. Also my areolas seem darker, in addition to my breasts being super swollen and painful. I am doing my best to take 2-minute showers. The idea being that hot water will raise the temperature of the uterus and that is not good for the embryo.

Chia Pudding in the foreground and Tumeric Blast in the blender behind it and to the right

 

It is very tempting to try to read into these symptoms. But I am also enjoying what the IVF diet is prescribing. I am drinking a shake for breakfast every day, eating a salad for lunch every day, and having protein with dinner. It is hard to stick to scientific recommendations and not delve too much into sorcery. I read that you should not let your feet get cold, so during the day I am keeping thick socks on my feet. I read that some herbal tea can be harmful, so I am avoiding that. 

It is very hard to keep from obsessing about what may or may not be happening inside my body, but that was a great revelation that I had this morning right after my shots: MAYBE is also a state of existence. It does not have to be YES or NO. I do not need to rush to take a pregnancy test right now to find out if there is a yes or no for a pregnancy. I can sit in MAYBE for another week (because I have to but also) because I choose to. There is a certain joy in maybe. A glimmer of hope.

Fertility Part 16

The embryo has been transferred. I cannot believe I thought the side-effects of estrace alone were strange. Definitely whatever is happening in my body now is much worse, but I will avoid the "Pain Olympics" and also try to not obsess about "Symptom Spotting."

First, I felt like a pot on the stove - about to boil over at any moment. Then, I felt like I had ants under my skin - everything irritated me. Now, I feel like there is a unicorn-horn sitting on top of my stomach and piercing through my heart and piercing my throat and making my neck hurt.

I have been having some terrible nightmares as well.

6/22 In the middle of class, my chalk board turned into a marker board but all I had to write with was chalk. There were two senior colleagues observing me. I was not prepared. There were lots of fake plants in the way of me writing on the board. There were no erasers. The board too high and I had to keep getting up on chairs, etc to write on it. The students were not respectful, they kept moving around the room and putting their hoods up over their faces. I could not think of a good example to illustrate what I was trying to teach.

6/23 I was at school for some ceremony or convocation in my pajamas. Although I knew I was not properly dressed, there was nothing else to wear. A student comes to my office hours to question my authority or accuracy. Faculty around were judging me. There was construction on campus. I went for a walk and got lost.

6/24 It is the first day of lab. There are too many students. I cannot find the instruments. The students did not print the lab manual because I had not made the Canvas page. I do not know my own schedule. So I lay down in prep room and put my feet up on a chair for the entire lab period, didn't teach or interact with students, wasted students time.

As far as I have read, this is normal. People call them PIO dreams (progesterone in oil) and they're not always about fertility, in fact they are usually about other stuff.

Fertility Part 15

I am going to try to keep this short and sweet. I have had two days of Progesterone injections, today is day 3. I woke up and cried yesterday and today.

This process is hard, but I have found some coping mechanisms. The FertiCalm app is actually really helpful. There are long (< 10 minute) and short (< 2 minute) meditations. There are also some informational sections that have cognitive and behavior suggestions.

Earlier this week, I was seeing my weight creep up, but I kind of think it was just bloating. This morning my weight was down again, to a new low of 192.5 lbs.

On Tuesday, I went to a big mall that had some indoor and some outdoor stores. I did lots of walking and sightseeing. I think the distractions really helped. Yesterday (Wednesday) I stayed at home all day and binge watched the Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce Seasons 4 and 5. I started feeling crazy around 2:30pm and got progressively crazier until 5pm. Thank God for Rainbow Night at Moonlight Rollerway. I went skating around 8pm and stayed until 10:30pm. Last night a DJ saved my life.

  

This morning I charged and then meditated with the three stones pictured above: Black Tourmaline, Turquoise and Moonstone. While I have been trained as a scientist, I have also been obsessed with rocks all my life. It feels good to have something to grab on to right now. My big take-away mantra from today was:

My womb is safe and so am I.

Fertility Part 14

It seems I can write about nothing else until we have an answer: Will our one AA embryo attach? We had an appointment yesterday. Here are our clinical lab results so far:

6/14/2019
Progesterone 0.170 ng/mL
Estradiol 247 pg/mL
Lining 10.3 mm

6/17/2019
Progesterone 0.084 ng/mL
Estradiol 426.5 pg/mL
Lining 11.1 mm

Our team says that these numbers are great! The uterine lining looks pretty much like the image from this paper.

I have been taking Estrace (Estradiol) 2mg tablets for 11 days. I have had two injections of Delestrogen (Estradiol Valerate) 20mg/mL x 0.1 mL and two injections of Delestrogen (Estradiol Valerate) 20mg/mL x 0.2 mL. The first few days it seemed like I was having mild headaches, but nothing near migraine. The last few days I have been feeling very moist. Like, I would take a nap and then wake up with my underwear feeling wet. After a bit of research, I have learned that estrogen regulates cervical mucus and the bump in hormones has resulted in an increase in mucus. After I deduced what must be happening, I felt much more relaxed about it.

Last night, I did my first Endometrin 100mg vaginal capsule. It was not bad at all. Pretty much like inserting a tampon. This morning, I added Medrol (Methylprednisolone) 4mg tablets. The dose schedule for the Medrol is a bit complicated, but I think visually the way the tablets are packaged helps. You load up on the first day and then taper after that. Medrol is a steroid that reduces inflammation. It also suppresses the immune system to prevent Natural Killer (NK) cells from attacking the embryo.

This morning we did our first progesterone injection. I warmed up the ampule about 30 minutes prior to using it. I had a heating compress ready. We have these fun pineapple bandaids. Honestly, giving or receiving a shot with a 22-gauge needle is not that fun. But I am definitely trying to make the best of it and just get on with the program. I climbed the stairs in our house ten times to help the 1 mL of Progesterone in Oil get distributed into the muscle.

There are few times in life when having a BIG ASS is a good thing. Maybe if you are trying to win a twerking contest. Also if, like myself, you are a Los Angeles Lane Blocker (city cyclist). Or also, apparently, if you need to get intramuscular injections in the dorsogluteal site. Our coordinator said luckily, we have a lot of real estate to work with. So this is good because from today forward, we will be doing DAILY progesterone injections.

I made a point this morning of programming in all the medications for the next week into my Google Calendar: when we need them my phone will send a notification. Today, I am going for acupuncture and then heading to Westfield Topanga & The Village (a mall) for an optometry appointment. Tomorrow, we have the Neighborhood council meeting. Thursday, I am meeting with my boss and the man who has been observing me in the classroom. Friday, we have an appointment for ultrasound and bloodwork. Saturday is transfer day!

I installed two new apps on my phone: FertiCalm and Headspace. FertiCalm is an app that has information and humor specifically for those undergoing fertility treatment. It also has some guided meditations that I have used. Headspace I do not fully understand yet, but what I think is that it has some other games to keep you calm. I have been using my Sacred Woman altar at home, so I am very grateful that I have a safe, quiet space to exist and convene with my ancestors, mother, sisters and higher power. This morning I burned a little white sage because I felt like I might want to purify myself before starting the progesterone injection.

Of course, still taking prenatal vitamins. I do not know why some people say to take them in the morning, at lunch or before bedtime. Does it really matter? Well, it is time to be heading to the shower and then to acupuncture and then to the mall to see the eye doctor and do some walking. Life is good.

Fertility Part 13

I wish I could skip #13, because it is considered unlucky. But let me just post an update and not get too hung up on superstitions. I have been weighing in around 193 pounds, my last menstrual cycle was 34 days. I finally got a normal period on June 7th.

I have started taking estrogen. Today is day 6 of taking Estrace (Estradiol) 2mg tablets twice per day by mouth. They are just a teeny tiny aqua blue pill, very small in comparison to the pink prenatal horse pill. I have been taking "One A Day" prenatal vitamins for over a year now. In addition to the "vitamin" there is a liquid gel containing omega 3 fatty acids: docosahexaenoic acid (DHA) and eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA). After getting blood-work done, I started taking vitamin D supplements, due to a test that showed insufficient levels.

I have also had two injections of Delestrogen (Estradiol Valerate) 20mg/mL - Inject 0.1 mL intramuscular, every 3rd day. The first injection was in my right hip, 5 days ago. The second injection was in my left, 2 days ago. We have an appointment tomorrow to see how the endometrial lining is thickening. I feel torn between wanting to be informed and not wanting to read too much and getting freaked out.

This is what I did on Monday (6/10)

The injections themselves are not really painful. I have been making a definite attempt to do more walking and gentle exercise like swimming. I got some great pool floats and noodles that are adaptive so that I can work my arms without hurting the injection site. I went to my HIIT workout last night, it felt good to be among people, sweating and suffering together!

Since restarting hormone supplements, I feel sleepy and mentally foggy. Although I am not sure if that is because I am overwhelmed with what this process means or because I have been going to acupuncture or because I am not drinking coffee or because I am on the greatest stay-cation of my life. I keep dropping my car keys and not realizing it. Then I have to dig through the car (without panicking) to find them again.

During my first acupuncture session, it felt like some little gnome was sitting on my forehead, or like there was some unseen hand pressing down on my forehead. Afterwards, about 2 hours later, I had explosive diarrhea. During my second acupuncture session, I did not feel much. About 6 hours later, I had explosive diarrhea. I wrote about those first two sessions towards the end of this post.

During my third acupuncture session, I felt my entire face go numb. Also, my left arm went numb and then had a tingling sensation. I read up on acupuncture a little bit and this may be what people describe as de qi. Or maybe not. Anyhow, when I got home about 10 hours later, I had explosive diarrhea. It's not something alarming or making me feel sick, it actually gives me fair warning and I can sit on the toilet and let it go.

Some of the articles I read say that acupuncture helps support pregnancy through detoxification and improving circulation. Others say that the body's "fight or flight" response is down-regulated and the "rest and digest" mechanisms are stimulated. My practitioner has been placing needles in my feet, shin, hands, elbow and back of the knee. He does a tiny bit of massage just after removing the needles. While the needles are inserted, a heat lamp is placed over my belly for 20 minutes. I focus on breathing and reciting mantras.

I have been reading and practicing Sacred Woman. For the life of me, I remember reading that the bedroom should be like a jungle (with many plants) but maybe that just came to me in a meditation. Prior to finding this book, I had a thought "I need an altar." But I did not have a framework for "how to make an altar." The Sacred Woman book gave me that. I have been collecting little things around myself that are altar-appropriate, without really understanding why I was collecting those things.

I revisited this post from last summer, which was about the little things I was doing to reduce clutter and stress in my life. I have also been admiring Monty Don's French Gardens and Tidying Up with Marie Kondo. Together, those two programs have encouraged me to clean up and beautify my space and let go of things that I do not need.

I am finding that I am craving a more spiritual connection. I know I am about to go through a big change, whether our IVF cycle is successful or not. But I am definitely putting down some roots that will be beneficial for the long-term, whatever happens.

This is what I did this week

Fertility Part 12

Today, Wednesday, we are again in Week 1 of The IVF Diet. I weighed in at 196.5 lbs today. Not as much weight loss as I wanted, but at least I have not gained it all back.

I had a great time with my sister when she visited during the second half of May. I had hoped to do a lot more hiking with her, but we only had one epic day on Santa Cruz Island.

Then my dad came into town and we did a lot of sightseeing. Here is a list of what we did: 

Saturday, May 25th Old house / Glendale / Neon Museum ($10) / Brand Library & Park Sunday, May 26th

Pierce College Flea Market ($4) / Encino Farmer's Market / Convoy Movie Monday, May 27th

La Brea Tar Pits (FREE) / LACMA (FREE) / The Counter / Canters Deli / Original Farmer's Market / The Grove / Mullholland Water Movie Tuesday, May 28th

10 am acupuncture / Skateland ($8, skates included) / BM e-bikes / CSUN campus tour / Japanese Garden ($5) / Water Reclamation Plant / India's frontier trains movie Wednesday, May 29th

Griffith Observatory ($7 for planetarium show) / Autry Museum (FREE) / LA Zoo ($11 with 50% zoo reciprocity discount) / Griffith Park via LADOT DASH bus ($1) / picnic Thursday, May 30th

Metrolink ($32) / Mission San Juan Capistrano ($10)/ Trevor's at the Tracks / OCTA bus (FREE) / Pedego e-bikes ($25 per hour) / Dana Point to San Clemente bike ride Friday, May 31st

Metro Expo Line ($7) / Rose Garden (FREE) / CA Science Center (FREE + $3 to see space shuttle) / Santa Monica Pier / Bubba Gump Saturday, June 1st

Salute to Recreation, Northridge Park / Metro Red Line ($7) Broad museum, MOCA, Disney Concert Hall, Music Center, Grand Park, Grand Central Market, Last Bookstore, LA Cafe, LACBC HQ, Angel's Flight ($1), Riordan Central Library (FREE) Sunday, June 2nd

Citrus Sunday @ Dearborn Park (~1320 pounds of citrus collected)

The Discover & Go passes from the LA County Public Library saved us $42 at the La Bra Tar Pits and $24 at the Autry. I recommend checking that out if you are expecting out-of-town guests and want to do some sightseeing on a budget. Even though the e-bikes were expensive to rent, that was one of my favorite things we did. I also loved the gardens (Japanese and Rose).

It was hard to keep to the diet while playing tour guide, but it was equally awesome to spend time with family. Keeping busy and doing lots of light walking kept my mind from stressing out.

We've ordered the next round of medications: estradiol, delestrogen, methylprednisolone, endometrin, and progesterone. I'm doing my best to stop from googling all those names to read up on the side effects. I'm just waiting for my period to start. This cycle has been long: today is day 33 and it has not started yet.

I have been going to acupuncture. I finally found a practitioner who took my insurance with no issues. I've had 3 visits now. The first visit, he told me that his goal was to increase circulation. I had a wonderful explosive diarrhea when I got home, so I'm guessing that worked. The second visit, he told me his goal was to make me feel safe. He said, "unless the mother feels safe, there can be no baby." The third visit, I found myself meditating on that feeling of safety and love. I was chanting a mantra of: I am ready and I am willing. Also: I am safe and I am loved.

At the Last Bookstore, I found a book called Sacred Woman which has some ideas for altars. I was thinking of putting together an altar anyhow and I have some time now to do some sculpting and painting so I will incorporate her suggestions for altars in those craft projects. I don't know if I can follow the author, Queen Afua, in all of her herbal recommendations and suggestions towards veganism, but I can definitely consider some of her yoga poses and dance moves for tapping into the divine feminine energy.