I remember that

Menopause is worse than puberty because adults have already formed a stronger sense of self. Menopause changes you in profound ways, in your body, skin, fat, and brain. Probably skeleton too, just like puberty. But as a 13 year old, I was still forming my personality and identity, I was more malleable. I feel my adult self is being destroyed and re-formed by menopause, perhaps more profoundly than matrescence. I guess it's scary because I don't know what the final state will feel like or look like and I'm afraid it will be worse than the state I have been in for more than 30 years, the childbearing years.

It is interesting having this realization in the house I grew up in, the house I went through puberty in. The most valuable part of spending time with family has been reinforcing my childhood memories. Hearing a sister say, "I remember that," is so validating. I have a big fear of losing my grip on reality and having no memories. Like is my body already primed for dementia? Is it tied to the brain fog of motherhood and menopause? I have enjoyed reminiscing with my sisters this trip, sharing memories from our childhood, reinforcing things that happened as facts and not made-up fantasy from my silly failing brain. I feel like I'm grasping at a mist that can't be held but my sisters help me retell the story and reinforce it with concrete cinder blocks with rebar. Love those gals.

Running through Elmwood Park, Memorial Park, near the Keystone trail, through UNO and along Happy Hallow Blvd made me think moving to Omaha was a good idea.

Disneyland and family reunion debrief

The second half of May was epic and fantastic. I've barely had time to process or recover but I do feel like I need to post this debrief to try and capture some of the magic 🪄 ✨ before it totally evaporates like the June Gloom.

Friday, May 17 

7:30am Kayla took Albert to Daycare 

11:20am Kayla picked up Albert from Daycare, drove to airport

Steph arrived BUR 12:45pm

Food Truck Friday on Chatsworth St

We got to road test the Mountain buggy double stroller.

Saturday, May 18 - 

9-11am month of Mama celebration class

4-6pm Reseda Art Walk  

Another opportunity to road test the stroller.

Sunday, May 19 - Kayla 3 mile training run 

Holleigh Bernson Memorial Park Pick up Fitlicious

Packing for Disney 

Zoom call with grandparents

Monday, May 20 (Disneyland) - Rope drop Jungle Cruise

Tuesday, May 21 (DCA) - Rope drop Little Mermaid

Wednesday, May 22 (Disneyland) Rope drop Pirates of the Caribbean

Thursday, May 23rd - 

7-9am Campus walk 

Disney unpacking 

2-3pm pool

Family dinner with Anne

Galactic Grill Salads 

This day Albert tossed my phone in the pool.

Friday, May 24th

8am Yoga

9-11am campus walk 

Goddess Salad lunch 

Group nap

3-4pm pool time 

Family dinner - Chicken fried rice stir fry

Saturday, May 25th 

7am strength training 

8:00am Kayla apply for unemployment

IKEA and it's a wrap day

Family dinner - Tacos

Too good to go - Leo's Superfood Vegan Cafe

Sunday, May 26th -

3 mile run / Northridge park 

Pym test kitchen bread pud

Pick up Fitlicious

Beach day in Ventura

Too good to go Fish Grill lunch

Pedicures (tarball removal)

Family dinner - pasta

 

Monday, May 27th - **MEMORIAL DAY**

Major cooking day 

Family dinner - baked potato

Bengal BBQ 🥓

Troubadour tavern 🥔

Our cousin Joey came over and got to spend some time with us and the little ones.

Tuesday, May 28th -

Cinnamon rolls 

LA County Arboretum 

Galactic Grill Salads

Steph packs suitcase

Found out that if you have a membership for two adults, only one of the adults needs to be named on the membership. So we all got in for free. And we arrived around 8am to beat the heat and take advantage of early hours for members only.

 

Wednesday, May 29 (Departure 1:30pm) Steph’s date of departure

Red rose 🌹 Grey stuff 

11:30am Drive to the airport

SWA 6017 Steph departs BUR at 1:20pm, arrives 7:55pm OMA

Non-Disney Day Ideas that we didn't do 

Wi spa (kid-friendly) https://wispausa.com/  

Open 24h

$30 regular daily admission fee

2700 Wilshire Boulevard, Los Angeles, CA 90057 (drivetime 35 - 80 minutes)

Grand spa https://www.grandspala.com/services 

Open 24h

$30 general admission

2999 W. 6th Street, Los Angeles, CA 90020 (drivetime 35 - 80 minutes)

LA Zoo / Griffith Park / Traveltown 12 month membership started on May 24, 2023

Open 10 a.m. – 5 p.m https://lazoo.org/plan-your-visit/reservations/ 

$22 for adults, $17 for kids over 23 months

5333 Zoo Dr, Los Angeles, CA 90027 (drivetime 35-55 minutes)

Kidspace Museum in Pasadena / Rose Bowl 

Open 10:00 am to 5:00 pm Tuesday-Sunday (closed Monday)

$15.50 general admission https://kidspacemuseum.org/visit/hours-and-admission/ 

480 N Arroyo Blvd, Pasadena, CA 91103 (drivetime 35-65 minutes)

Discovery Cube LA

Open 10:00 am – 5:00 pm https://www.discoverycube.org/los-angeles/visit/ 

$18 for adults, $16 for kids, Children ages 2 and under are free. $17 for seniors (age 62+)

11800 Foothill Blvd, Sylmar, CA 91342 (drivetime 22-40 minutes)

Ventura / Underwood Farms / Beach* https://underwoodfamilyfarms.com/somis/ 

Open 9:00am - 6:00pm

Admission to enter the fields and pick is $3.00/person. Under 2 free.

5696 E Los Angeles Ave, Somis, CA (drivetime 45 - 70 min)

Aquarium of the Pacific / Beach / Huntington Dog Beach* parking $8

Open 9am - 6pm https://www.aquariumofpacific.org/visit 

$44.95 adult, $41.95 senior (age 62+), $29.95 child (age 3+)

100 Aquarium Way, Long Beach, CA 90802 (drivetime 55 min - 120 min)

Malibu / Zuma Beach*

Venice Beach

CA Science Center (free tickets via library) / Blue Line / Metrolink

La Brea Tar Pits (free tickets via library) / Miracle Mile https://www.lapl.org/explorela 

Downtown LA / Grove / Beverly Hills Public Library (storytime, free)

Universal Citywalk / Bus

Totally Toddlers / My Gym / Local*

Bike Ride / Orange Line Bike Path*

LA Dodgers game - a friend has season tickets! Children 3 and under can enter the stadium free, provided they sit on a parent's or guardian's lap. Should the parent or guardian want a child aged 3 and under to have their own seat, a ticket must be purchased.

Honestly, I would not have changed a thing about the experience. We had a lot of May Gray. Nobody got sick except Mike. The LoveSac couch made a nice bed in our living room. It was a good decision to clear out the downstairs closet for our guests. I think it made it much easier for them to see their clothes Inventory and know what was clear and dirty. We did laundry almost every day. We ran the dishwasher more than once per day. I showed them the bunk beds so they know they have options for future visits.

Our landlord showed us the empty unit that will be up for sale soon. It seems small but maybe that's just because it was empty. It would be wild to be homeowners. And wild to vacate this unit after we have made so many memories here.

women's history month

I am sitting here in office hours and before this I was staring at my reflection in the mirror and I was struck by how I don't look like a professor. I mean, when I think of a professor, I think of someone wearing a tweed suit with suede elbow patches in an imposing leather chair. But I'm wearing jeans, sneakers and a lularoe shirt. Partly because I live in California, and I don't think tweed is something that gets worn here ever due to the weather being so nice. But partly because the dress code here at CSUN isn't a thing. Some people dress like they just rolled out of a dumpster. Which is fine by me. 

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Pinterest thinks my fashion style is Dark Academia, which I didn't even know was a thing. But it is kind of how I picture a professor dressing.

When I worked at Claremont, I did wear clothing that could be classified as Dark Academia, but it was certainly more colorful than this. I don't wear muted colors very often.

I'm thinking about Women's History Month and the contributions of women to academia and STEM fields. I'm thinking about why more women don't want to enter academia or if they do, sometimes how they get pushed out. I'm thinking about my own biases and concepts of what a professor should look like and how it causes me to feel some cognitive dissonance when I AM a professor but my reflection in the mirror doesn't look like what I think a professor SHOULD look like. It's a mind trip!

I'm thinking of classism, sexism, racism, homophobia, and wage gaps. I'm thinking of how teachers are expected to make teaching their vocation, excluding any possibility of having a life outside of work. How we are expected to work all the time, making it difficult to balance raising a family and maintaining friendships.

https://www.cta.org/about-us/history

Expectations of society: You may not dress in bright colors, dye your hair, or wear short skirts. You must clean the schoolhouse. You can't leave town. You can't go on dates or go downtown. You have to go to bed early. You can not have a spouse. Yeah. I've read that teachers were once highly paid, but then someone got the great idea to let women do it, and the reason was that women would do more work for less pay than men.

I'm not even sure what the point of this blog post is, but I know I watched the movie "Nyad" last night and it was so powerful. She was so determined and didn't accept that she wasn't strong or young enough to do something that had never been done before. And she was willing to fail hugely before succeeding even though society wasn't very supportive of sponsoring someone her age.

I just have to remember that I AM MAKING HISTORY right now. By existing as a woman in STEM. By wearing bright colors as a teacher. By providing an alternative to the pale male and stale professor tropes for the next generation, to possibly see themselves in acadmia. Like Diana Nyad, I'm doing it.

Awesome Sauce

It's hard to put into words the magical mama's visit I had with my sister and aunt recently. It was just so wonderful that it's hard to describe. It was the first significant get-together that we've had since the pandemic, and it was like an ointment or salve to heal my loneliness and isolation that had overshadowed most of my son's life.

We didn't have an agenda for the parks, but we did way more than either of us thought we might. Baby Evelyn's favorite ride was definitely the Little Mermaid, and we rode it twice without having to get off. It was amazing how the little ones were able to sneak in their naps between strolling and babywearing. We explored some things that were familiar to me and did some new things that I'd never done before, and everything was frosted with nostalgia.

We got Genie+ for our second park day and used it for Haunted Mansion and Small World, and it might seem insignificant, but it helped us skip many lines, especially in the afternoon. The parade was so great we both wept for its beauty. I don't want to minimize the whole experience by listing how much everything costs, but I am curious because I want to budget for the rest of the month and next month, and the month after that, haha. Summer is here, and I am trying to plan what we will do to stay busy, keep learning, and incorporate arts and crafts into our daily routines.

• 5/12 - airport pick-up, lunch, last lab ($5 for parking, $103 groceries)
• 5/13 - waffles, campus walk ($13 stroller hooks, $13 Mickey's ears)
• 5/14 - french toast, train, bus, hotel, downtown Disney ($12 pretzels, $27 sweets, $4 fruit)
• 5/15 - DCA, Disneyland, magic key terrace ($24 milk stand, $72 dinner, $65 Genie+)
• 5/16 - Disneyland, Tom Sawyer Island, train, van ($328 hotel, $6 milk, $12 fruit, $38 grey stuff)
• 5/17 - end of year celebration, groceries, meal prep ($24 toys, $32 toys, $151 groceries)
• 5/18 - tie-dye, dance medicine ($95 groceries, $72 gas)
• 5/19 - beach day, tie-dye ($6 parking, $98 for flowers)
• 5/20 - tie-dye breakfast, painting day, IKEA, thrift store ($72 clothes, $42 food)
• 5/21 - yoga in the park, pickup Fitlicious, painting day ($20 yoga, $135 food)
• 5/22 - packing, garden play, downtown Disney day 2 ($24 McDonald's, $22 corndogs, $15 parking, $13 sweets, $19 sweet potato fries & milk)
• 5/23 - airport dropoff ($69 gas, $3 parking)

I really do think we balanced low or no-cost stuff with pricey experiences. We also balanced gogo days with nogo days. For example, we kept everything simple the first two days (Friday and Saturday) and stayed home. It was our Mother's Day to spend with our kiddos at home. Then the next three days (Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday), we got caught up in go-go-go and nearly outdid ourselves. After returning home, we had a couple of chill days (Wednesday and Thursday), where we stayed home and did some cooking, cleaning, and domestic stuff.

The tie-dye was fun, relaxing, and also exhausting but memorable. We were chatting and tying in my garden, which I loved because I love spending time out there. I put in some flowers just to make the space colorful and inviting. It was like a Mother's Day gift to myself to make that space exactly what I wanted it to be for us to enjoy it. Everyone agreed the beach day was a fantastic idea (Friday). Good thing my ladies are all big fans of sunscreen, and I don't think anyone got burned the whole trip! We had a brunch on Saturday to send our aunt off with a full belly.

We really enjoyed all the flowers, trees, bushes, grass, and everything around us as inspiration for the painting with a twist at home. Over the weekend, my husband was helpful in watching the kiddo so that we could do a girls' trip to IKEA and a thrift store (Saturday and Sunday) and finish up our wishing well princess paintings. It was very fun to do yoga in the park, although my sister did the entire flow with a baby napping strapped to her body. We didn't make it out to any Fit4Mom workouts, but that's how it goes sometimes. I'll get back to it tomorrow...FriYay!

Finally, we packed on Monday and did another Disney trip to pick up some souvenirs. It was fun to try to fit in everything we didn't get to do, like corndogs, churros, Mickey cupcakes, popcorn, dole whips, and beignets. We didn't get to everything, but what we tasted was 100% worth the extra trip. We enjoyed different areas of downtown Disney, the Disneyland Hotel, the Grand Californian, and the Pixar Pier Hotel. Again, we did some things I had only heard about but didn't know how to do, so it's always good to do reconnaissance. 

I'm already looking forward to our Nebraska trip to visit with Albert's cousins and grandparents, which will be coming up here in about a month.

Nice Backpack

I've recently received compliments on my cute backpack. Little did they know that inside my bag is a breast pump and everything I need to remove milk from my body without my baby latching on.

@hamerk02 Pumping Essentials @sarahwellsbags @cereschillofficial @ctorganics @gothinkco #pumpingmom #workingmom #breastfeedingmom ♬ original sound - Kayla A. Kaiser

I've recorded a tour of the bag I got complimented on (above). It's a "Marie" bag from Sarah Wells. It's taken me 3 weeks to assemble everything I actually like using and remove everything that I don't like using. The bag I use more frequently (below) was given to me by my good friend. She included a TON of different size flanges, which was so helpful. It seems like only through trial-and-error is it possible to find the most comfortable pumping setup. I am passing on all the ones that didn't work for me. My sister already had a Medela pump and a Spectra pump, but I don't think she has a pumping bag.

@hamerk02 Pumping Pro Tips @medela_official @pumpin.vn @legendairy_milk @ctorganics #motnpump #workingmom #pumpingmom #breastfeedingmom ♬ original sound - Kayla A. Kaiser

I actually scored an "Annie" bag from Sarah Wells on the recent LA Kids Consignment and it had two PumpEase bras in it. I'm so excited to share it with my sister. It should be arriving today.

Sarah Wells is a brand that I found out about on social media. For exclusive pumping moms, it seems like the ONLY brand that is recommended. Of course, yes, you could just use a regular bag but then this one is designed to suit the needs of a pumping mom. I thought it might be damaging for the pump to be transporting it back-and-forth. So much I worried about it, that I never even got the pump out to use it ever until returning to work recently. It was just so intimidating!

I feel like these cushy side pockets will protect the pump so it won't be damaged. I love the sleeves for photos. I love the realness of these pictures too how this mama just took a photo of the bag on her messy desk. Clearly a woman who works!

I love how there are moms out there looking for products that don't exist and then inventing them like Sarah Wells and Lisa Myers, the inventor of Ceres Chill. Anything that eases the stress of returning to work while balancing the desire to continue feeding your child is so valuable.

I love how the bag has different zippered pockets and the whole thing closes. There's a shoulder strap. Of course, for me, I prefer a backpack style. I was super tempted to keep this bag but seriously I bought it for my sister. I would think that after you no longer need a pumping bag, you could take a bag like this to the zoo or a museum. The insulated pockets would work well for bringing your own food. Recently, we went to the Discovery Cube Los Angeles and even though they have a cafe, it's not open. So you do need to bring your own food if you plan to stay longer than 2 hours.

I'm tagging this post sustainability because I want to say how feeding my son pumped breastmilk prevents having to tax the supply chain of dairy cows. It cuts the transportation cost of cow's milk. It's local. It's customized for my son's needs nutritionally. I'm taking a lot of criticism from people around me right now for continuing to feed my kid breastmilk as he approaches his 2nd birthday.

I'm also tagging it sustainability because I snagged two Ceres Chillers used AND I snagged both Sarah Wells bags used. Thereby closing the loop and reusing things that would maybe have ended up in a landfill. Do I love going every 3 hours to pump? No. Do I love coming back to my office and scalding the milk and washing and sterilizing the pump parts? No. Do I love seeing my son not drink the pumped milk I bring home for him? No. But I am committed to continuing to breastfeed until he is 2 years of age. And I'm hoping to make it through the summer (not teaching).