The second week of July was a hard week. I had to go in the kitchen and do some yoga while my husband was holding the baby. I had to call him home from work at noon because I just couldn't take it being at home alone with a fussy baby. My husband was trying to talk to me and I just couldn't even answer. I wanted to scream, yell and cry at the same time.
My baby had surgery and the recovery was hard. I used to dance with my baby and swing and stroll to calm him down, but since he had an operation, now I don't want to jostle him at all. It's hard keeping him calm when entertainment options are limited. No tummy time or back time with his toy arch because I don't want him doing crunches.
I kept thinking that if not for COVID, we could have had more support from our friends and family members. Instead, I'm scared that our trip to the hospital exposed us to more risk. They say that 1 in 140 people in my city are currently infected. That seems like a lot to me.
I used to go rollerskating on Wednesday evenings to blow off steam and it occurred to me that even if I could go and leave the baby with my husband, the roller rink is closed due to COVID. Parenting books suggest leaving the baby with a neighbor or friend for 15 minutes to regain your composure, but due to COVID, that's not possible.
My husband kept asking me to make all these decisions too and I was just so tapped out. I had to say "no decisions for mom for the rest of the day. Dad has to make some baby-related decisions." It's exhausting doing all the judgements. I can't fully explain it, but I feel slightly better today (it has been 2 weeks).
I have a friend due in September and a younger sister due in October and I am totally that mom now that is giving advice. Hopefully not scaring them, but trying to add stuff to their baby registry while people are still sending them stuff. I had 2 friends send me boxes and boxes of stuff I didn't know I would need and they were such angels for doing that. I was pretty obsessed with pregnancy and not very well prepared for the fourth trimester.
I grieve the brevity of my son's newborn phase now that it's over. I wish I could have been more present and more selfish with holding my son. No amount of time is enough.
In the first 2 months I would pump and let other people feed my baby. Why? Now we exclusively breastfeed and by the end of the day I'm pretty touched out. Then after a few minutes of breaktime, with my husband giving one bottle from the previous night's middle of the night pump, I'm ready to hold my baby again. How will I possibly handle going back to work?! Nothing in my life seems as significant as protecting and spending quality time with my son.
I am anxious tonight because we are spending the weekend with my in-laws who are divorced from each other and both remarried. We're spending two nights away from home, for the third time since baby was born. I'm not loving it.
I DO want to have a good relationship with my son's grandparents, so I am trying to share my baby with them. But I also remember that I am slightly resentful of having had to share my baby so much in his first three months of life. Will I regret this weekend too?
My son had a surgery and his 4 month vaccines a week later. COVID cases are surging. I just wanted to take the whole month of July to rest and not travel and not celebrate my 40th birthday. Lord knows these hips do not need any cake.
But this is our Father's day celebration. Also as my husband relentlessly points out his father is a doctor and his mother is a nurse. They wouldn't knowingly put us in danger.
Two weeks later update: the weekend away was a disaster. My mother in law went for a 7 mile hike in a heatwave and ended up getting life-flighted to a local hospital. This interrupted our visit with my father in law and eliminated our Sunday morning walk.
They are cleaning out their house and want to give us a bunch of things, so we have to reorganize over here in order to accommodate. We couldn't fit all the items in our van so they wanted to come last weekend and we said no. So they're coming this weekend. I'm doing my best to get the house ready for guests, but baby is suffering through his 4 month sleep regression and it's making mommy and daddy more tired than usual.
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