Fertility Part 16

The embryo has been transferred. I cannot believe I thought the side-effects of estrace alone were strange. Definitely whatever is happening in my body now is much worse, but I will avoid the "Pain Olympics" and also try to not obsess about "Symptom Spotting."

First, I felt like a pot on the stove - about to boil over at any moment. Then, I felt like I had ants under my skin - everything irritated me. Now, I feel like there is a unicorn-horn sitting on top of my stomach and piercing through my heart and piercing my throat and making my neck hurt.

I have been having some terrible nightmares as well.

6/22 In the middle of class, my chalk board turned into a marker board but all I had to write with was chalk. There were two senior colleagues observing me. I was not prepared. There were lots of fake plants in the way of me writing on the board. There were no erasers. The board too high and I had to keep getting up on chairs, etc to write on it. The students were not respectful, they kept moving around the room and putting their hoods up over their faces. I could not think of a good example to illustrate what I was trying to teach.

6/23 I was at school for some ceremony or convocation in my pajamas. Although I knew I was not properly dressed, there was nothing else to wear. A student comes to my office hours to question my authority or accuracy. Faculty around were judging me. There was construction on campus. I went for a walk and got lost.

6/24 It is the first day of lab. There are too many students. I cannot find the instruments. The students did not print the lab manual because I had not made the Canvas page. I do not know my own schedule. So I lay down in prep room and put my feet up on a chair for the entire lab period, didn't teach or interact with students, wasted students time.

As far as I have read, this is normal. People call them PIO dreams (progesterone in oil) and they're not always about fertility, in fact they are usually about other stuff.

Fertility Part 15

I am going to try to keep this short and sweet. I have had two days of Progesterone injections, today is day 3. I woke up and cried yesterday and today.

This process is hard, but I have found some coping mechanisms. The FertiCalm app is actually really helpful. There are long (< 10 minute) and short (< 2 minute) meditations. There are also some informational sections that have cognitive and behavior suggestions.

Earlier this week, I was seeing my weight creep up, but I kind of think it was just bloating. This morning my weight was down again, to a new low of 192.5 lbs.

On Tuesday, I went to a big mall that had some indoor and some outdoor stores. I did lots of walking and sightseeing. I think the distractions really helped. Yesterday (Wednesday) I stayed at home all day and binge watched the Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce Seasons 4 and 5. I started feeling crazy around 2:30pm and got progressively crazier until 5pm. Thank God for Rainbow Night at Moonlight Rollerway. I went skating around 8pm and stayed until 10:30pm. Last night a DJ saved my life.

  

This morning I charged and then meditated with the three stones pictured above: Black Tourmaline, Turquoise and Moonstone. While I have been trained as a scientist, I have also been obsessed with rocks all my life. It feels good to have something to grab on to right now. My big take-away mantra from today was:

My womb is safe and so am I.

Fertility Part 14

It seems I can write about nothing else until we have an answer: Will our one AA embryo attach? We had an appointment yesterday. Here are our clinical lab results so far:

6/14/2019
Progesterone 0.170 ng/mL
Estradiol 247 pg/mL
Lining 10.3 mm

6/17/2019
Progesterone 0.084 ng/mL
Estradiol 426.5 pg/mL
Lining 11.1 mm

Our team says that these numbers are great! The uterine lining looks pretty much like the image from this paper.

I have been taking Estrace (Estradiol) 2mg tablets for 11 days. I have had two injections of Delestrogen (Estradiol Valerate) 20mg/mL x 0.1 mL and two injections of Delestrogen (Estradiol Valerate) 20mg/mL x 0.2 mL. The first few days it seemed like I was having mild headaches, but nothing near migraine. The last few days I have been feeling very moist. Like, I would take a nap and then wake up with my underwear feeling wet. After a bit of research, I have learned that estrogen regulates cervical mucus and the bump in hormones has resulted in an increase in mucus. After I deduced what must be happening, I felt much more relaxed about it.

Last night, I did my first Endometrin 100mg vaginal capsule. It was not bad at all. Pretty much like inserting a tampon. This morning, I added Medrol (Methylprednisolone) 4mg tablets. The dose schedule for the Medrol is a bit complicated, but I think visually the way the tablets are packaged helps. You load up on the first day and then taper after that. Medrol is a steroid that reduces inflammation. It also suppresses the immune system to prevent Natural Killer (NK) cells from attacking the embryo.

This morning we did our first progesterone injection. I warmed up the ampule about 30 minutes prior to using it. I had a heating compress ready. We have these fun pineapple bandaids. Honestly, giving or receiving a shot with a 22-gauge needle is not that fun. But I am definitely trying to make the best of it and just get on with the program. I climbed the stairs in our house ten times to help the 1 mL of Progesterone in Oil get distributed into the muscle.

There are few times in life when having a BIG ASS is a good thing. Maybe if you are trying to win a twerking contest. Also if, like myself, you are a Los Angeles Lane Blocker (city cyclist). Or also, apparently, if you need to get intramuscular injections in the dorsogluteal site. Our coordinator said luckily, we have a lot of real estate to work with. So this is good because from today forward, we will be doing DAILY progesterone injections.

I made a point this morning of programming in all the medications for the next week into my Google Calendar: when we need them my phone will send a notification. Today, I am going for acupuncture and then heading to Westfield Topanga & The Village (a mall) for an optometry appointment. Tomorrow, we have the Neighborhood council meeting. Thursday, I am meeting with my boss and the man who has been observing me in the classroom. Friday, we have an appointment for ultrasound and bloodwork. Saturday is transfer day!

I installed two new apps on my phone: FertiCalm and Headspace. FertiCalm is an app that has information and humor specifically for those undergoing fertility treatment. It also has some guided meditations that I have used. Headspace I do not fully understand yet, but what I think is that it has some other games to keep you calm. I have been using my Sacred Woman altar at home, so I am very grateful that I have a safe, quiet space to exist and convene with my ancestors, mother, sisters and higher power. This morning I burned a little white sage because I felt like I might want to purify myself before starting the progesterone injection.

Of course, still taking prenatal vitamins. I do not know why some people say to take them in the morning, at lunch or before bedtime. Does it really matter? Well, it is time to be heading to the shower and then to acupuncture and then to the mall to see the eye doctor and do some walking. Life is good.

Fertility Part 13

I wish I could skip #13, because it is considered unlucky. But let me just post an update and not get too hung up on superstitions. I have been weighing in around 193 pounds, my last menstrual cycle was 34 days. I finally got a normal period on June 7th.

I have started taking estrogen. Today is day 6 of taking Estrace (Estradiol) 2mg tablets twice per day by mouth. They are just a teeny tiny aqua blue pill, very small in comparison to the pink prenatal horse pill. I have been taking "One A Day" prenatal vitamins for over a year now. In addition to the "vitamin" there is a liquid gel containing omega 3 fatty acids: docosahexaenoic acid (DHA) and eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA). After getting blood-work done, I started taking vitamin D supplements, due to a test that showed insufficient levels.

I have also had two injections of Delestrogen (Estradiol Valerate) 20mg/mL - Inject 0.1 mL intramuscular, every 3rd day. The first injection was in my right hip, 5 days ago. The second injection was in my left, 2 days ago. We have an appointment tomorrow to see how the endometrial lining is thickening. I feel torn between wanting to be informed and not wanting to read too much and getting freaked out.

This is what I did on Monday (6/10)

The injections themselves are not really painful. I have been making a definite attempt to do more walking and gentle exercise like swimming. I got some great pool floats and noodles that are adaptive so that I can work my arms without hurting the injection site. I went to my HIIT workout last night, it felt good to be among people, sweating and suffering together!

Since restarting hormone supplements, I feel sleepy and mentally foggy. Although I am not sure if that is because I am overwhelmed with what this process means or because I have been going to acupuncture or because I am not drinking coffee or because I am on the greatest stay-cation of my life. I keep dropping my car keys and not realizing it. Then I have to dig through the car (without panicking) to find them again.

During my first acupuncture session, it felt like some little gnome was sitting on my forehead, or like there was some unseen hand pressing down on my forehead. Afterwards, about 2 hours later, I had explosive diarrhea. During my second acupuncture session, I did not feel much. About 6 hours later, I had explosive diarrhea. I wrote about those first two sessions towards the end of this post.

During my third acupuncture session, I felt my entire face go numb. Also, my left arm went numb and then had a tingling sensation. I read up on acupuncture a little bit and this may be what people describe as de qi. Or maybe not. Anyhow, when I got home about 10 hours later, I had explosive diarrhea. It's not something alarming or making me feel sick, it actually gives me fair warning and I can sit on the toilet and let it go.

Some of the articles I read say that acupuncture helps support pregnancy through detoxification and improving circulation. Others say that the body's "fight or flight" response is down-regulated and the "rest and digest" mechanisms are stimulated. My practitioner has been placing needles in my feet, shin, hands, elbow and back of the knee. He does a tiny bit of massage just after removing the needles. While the needles are inserted, a heat lamp is placed over my belly for 20 minutes. I focus on breathing and reciting mantras.

I have been reading and practicing Sacred Woman. For the life of me, I remember reading that the bedroom should be like a jungle (with many plants) but maybe that just came to me in a meditation. Prior to finding this book, I had a thought "I need an altar." But I did not have a framework for "how to make an altar." The Sacred Woman book gave me that. I have been collecting little things around myself that are altar-appropriate, without really understanding why I was collecting those things.

I revisited this post from last summer, which was about the little things I was doing to reduce clutter and stress in my life. I have also been admiring Monty Don's French Gardens and Tidying Up with Marie Kondo. Together, those two programs have encouraged me to clean up and beautify my space and let go of things that I do not need.

I am finding that I am craving a more spiritual connection. I know I am about to go through a big change, whether our IVF cycle is successful or not. But I am definitely putting down some roots that will be beneficial for the long-term, whatever happens.

This is what I did this week

Fertility Part 12

Today, Wednesday, we are again in Week 1 of The IVF Diet. I weighed in at 196.5 lbs today. Not as much weight loss as I wanted, but at least I have not gained it all back.

I had a great time with my sister when she visited during the second half of May. I had hoped to do a lot more hiking with her, but we only had one epic day on Santa Cruz Island.

Then my dad came into town and we did a lot of sightseeing. Here is a list of what we did: 

Saturday, May 25th Old house / Glendale / Neon Museum ($10) / Brand Library & Park Sunday, May 26th

Pierce College Flea Market ($4) / Encino Farmer's Market / Convoy Movie Monday, May 27th

La Brea Tar Pits (FREE) / LACMA (FREE) / The Counter / Canters Deli / Original Farmer's Market / The Grove / Mullholland Water Movie Tuesday, May 28th

10 am acupuncture / Skateland ($8, skates included) / BM e-bikes / CSUN campus tour / Japanese Garden ($5) / Water Reclamation Plant / India's frontier trains movie Wednesday, May 29th

Griffith Observatory ($7 for planetarium show) / Autry Museum (FREE) / LA Zoo ($11 with 50% zoo reciprocity discount) / Griffith Park via LADOT DASH bus ($1) / picnic Thursday, May 30th

Metrolink ($32) / Mission San Juan Capistrano ($10)/ Trevor's at the Tracks / OCTA bus (FREE) / Pedego e-bikes ($25 per hour) / Dana Point to San Clemente bike ride Friday, May 31st

Metro Expo Line ($7) / Rose Garden (FREE) / CA Science Center (FREE + $3 to see space shuttle) / Santa Monica Pier / Bubba Gump Saturday, June 1st

Salute to Recreation, Northridge Park / Metro Red Line ($7) Broad museum, MOCA, Disney Concert Hall, Music Center, Grand Park, Grand Central Market, Last Bookstore, LA Cafe, LACBC HQ, Angel's Flight ($1), Riordan Central Library (FREE) Sunday, June 2nd

Citrus Sunday @ Dearborn Park (~1320 pounds of citrus collected)

The Discover & Go passes from the LA County Public Library saved us $42 at the La Bra Tar Pits and $24 at the Autry. I recommend checking that out if you are expecting out-of-town guests and want to do some sightseeing on a budget. Even though the e-bikes were expensive to rent, that was one of my favorite things we did. I also loved the gardens (Japanese and Rose).

It was hard to keep to the diet while playing tour guide, but it was equally awesome to spend time with family. Keeping busy and doing lots of light walking kept my mind from stressing out.

We've ordered the next round of medications: estradiol, delestrogen, methylprednisolone, endometrin, and progesterone. I'm doing my best to stop from googling all those names to read up on the side effects. I'm just waiting for my period to start. This cycle has been long: today is day 33 and it has not started yet.

I have been going to acupuncture. I finally found a practitioner who took my insurance with no issues. I've had 3 visits now. The first visit, he told me that his goal was to increase circulation. I had a wonderful explosive diarrhea when I got home, so I'm guessing that worked. The second visit, he told me his goal was to make me feel safe. He said, "unless the mother feels safe, there can be no baby." The third visit, I found myself meditating on that feeling of safety and love. I was chanting a mantra of: I am ready and I am willing. Also: I am safe and I am loved.

At the Last Bookstore, I found a book called Sacred Woman which has some ideas for altars. I was thinking of putting together an altar anyhow and I have some time now to do some sculpting and painting so I will incorporate her suggestions for altars in those craft projects. I don't know if I can follow the author, Queen Afua, in all of her herbal recommendations and suggestions towards veganism, but I can definitely consider some of her yoga poses and dance moves for tapping into the divine feminine energy.

Fertility Part 11

Today, Monday, is the beginning of another two-week cleanse (our fourth cycle). Two weeks ago we attended my aunt's wedding in Stinson Beach (Bay Area, Northern California), which I have written about in Fertility Part 10. One week ago, I attended my grandmother's funeral in Lincoln, Nebraska. 

For fitness, I've been trying to walk, bike and swim more than usual. At Stinson Beach, I tried boogie boarding for the first time. It was totally fun! I attended the Ride of Silence, honoring those who lost their lives due to cycling in the past year. I also participated in Bike to Work Day, even though I live really close to where I work. Normally, we participate in watching a stage of the Amgen Tour de California, but we just have too many other things going on right now. I haven't been doing much rollerskating, but maybe I'll go to Skateland for Adult Skate Practice tomorrow (10:30am).

It was a joy to be a part of these two important family events (wedding & funeral). I had not even unpacked from the wedding so it was no problem to pack very quickly and hop a flight to Nebraska for the funeral. It was tempting to eat in the airport restaurants, but I brought lots of food with me. On the way there, I had chicken and zucchini pesto and hard-boiled eggs. The hungover party animals in the Las Vegas airport were mystified when I pulled those out of my bag. On the way back, I had lentils and roasted root vegetables. I also had some dried peas and beef jerky.

It was hard to keep to the diet in the times of joy and sorrow, but we managed to celebrate Mother's Day with the most diverse and delicious buffet. My sister, Karly, made pulled pork and brought cocktail shrimp. My mom made a pear salad, Brussels sprouts and a celery salad. I brought a green arugula salad, lentils, roasted root vegetables. We had cole slaw and buns for people to eat the pulled pork as sandwiches and there were potato chips that nobody ate. For dessert, we ate sliced strawberries and yogurt with protein powder (for me) or Cool Whip (for everyone else) My sister, Steph, had just moved into a new house so it was good for her to just be there and enjoy the food and company. Cooking and baking are things we all learned from our mother and grandmother. 💓

Every day I was in Nebraska I had a smoothie, since my family was at one time on a NutriBullet kick, they each have one. I even thumbed through the NutriBullet recipe book for future reference. Lots of the smoothies on The IVF Diet follow the formula outlined in the NutriBullet nutrition plan. That's 50% greens, 50% fruit, some water, and a boost. The boosts include nuts, seeds and dried berries (superfood). I am so grateful to my family for taking this IVF diet seriously and making sure I had access to grocery stores and the tools and time to make what I needed to eat.

My parents even tried a high-protein pasta made with edamame. I thought it was good. It was definitely relaxing to be back in Nebraska. It was so much quieter than out here in California. I got lots of sleep (even though my FitBit died). I tried not to worry so much about losing weight and instead focused on spending quality time with family. In this time of hopefulness about the "AA" embryo, it is so wonderful to know that my family is 110% behind me and ready to help and support this fertility journey.

It also felt good to get back to California. It did take a few days to re-adjust. I got back on Wednesday. Immediately I went out for lunch with some of my female colleagues. It was nice to have some time to decompress and gossip a bit. Thursday I pretty much binge-watched Pose on Netflix. In the evening, we attended the candidate forum for LA city council district 12 at CSUN. Friday, we helped with the Chemistry & Biochemistry department graduation party. Saturday, my sister, Steph, came into town so we spent the day cooking and cleaning. I tried to finish my grading before she arrived so that I could go on some hiking and camping adventures with her and her boyfriend, Jeff. Unfortunately, it was not possible.

After sending Steph & Jeff on their hiking and camping adventure, we went to the Farmer's Market on Sunday morning. We found lots of great things including a European Sea Bass (Branzino). I had a bit of trouble removing the fins, but once baked it was pretty tasty. This morning I made another batch of Tumeric Seeded Bread. I decided that the one appliance we're missing (See Fertility Part 7 for the list) is a food dehydrator. I've been making kale chips and sweet potato chips in the oven, but they end up getting burned.

In conclusion, the IVF diet is working for me. My weight this morning was 195.5 pounds. I know that is still heavy, but sometimes when you get heavy, you start to think that there's no hope and nothing will work. I was tracking my calories with MyFitnessPal and attending HIIT workouts for a year and not losing weight. It was discouraging. But I am having success now that I've been following the IVF diet (loosely). I will admit I modify the diet plan to ensure that I am not getting more than 40% of my calories from carbohydrates and that I am getting more than 25% of my calories from protein.

Dear husband has come up with a system for pre-cutting the fruits and veggies. He finds this modular arrangement in the fridge to be less overwhelming. Another thing we have started doing is saving the containers from the commercial produce and refilling them with the loose items we get at the Farmer's Market. Hello Life Hack! And now, we wait for the next menstrual cycle to begin another round of hormones! As I stated in a previous post, my goal is to lose another 4 pounds before the embryo transfer (about 2 weeks from now).

Fertility Part 10

We have come through a full cycle from when we started The IVF Diet. We have done the two week cleanse entirely twice. I have had my second period after egg retrieval. Last weekend we attended a wedding in Marin County, north of San Francisco, on the coast. I thought it would be challenging to stick to the diet, but it was actually okay.

Sausalito, CA with Sister and Husband

Our hotel, the Fairfax Inn, was near a coffee shop, Coffee Roastery, which offered terrific smells as well as smoothies with an available protein boost. This was our breakfast on Saturday and Sunday. I felt that this was a good sign and that it would be good to trust the universe that the rest of the trip would be just as easy. Through this process, I am learning to let go, trust more, and worry less.

I brought with us some gluten-free baked goods, Nutella protein cookies (which we baked accidentally), sun-dried tomato oat crackers, turmeric seeded bread, and granola. On the drive up (6.5 hours) we had a super green flapjack bar, dried peas, almonds, hard boiled eggs, and beef jerky. I packed at least 3 liters of water, so we did stop about three times for bathroom breaks.

The first night was a BBQ, and I had a (bunless) turkey burger and a bratwurst. The second day, I had an open turkey sandwich on oat crackers. The second evening, I had a salmon salad with asparagus. I did eat a slice of wedding cake, but even doing so, my calories did not exceed 40% carbs. That day was very adventurous with lots of activity (wakeboarding, hiking, and dancing) which burned 3000 calories over 7.8 miles and 20,000 steps.

I read that the first period after egg retrieval is very painful, which it was for me, and the second period after egg retrieval comes very late. This was true for me also. My typical cycle length is 27 days but this past cycle (between the first and second period after egg retrieval) was 35 days. I had read that this is normal, not from my doctor, but probably on reddit, so I wasn't worried.

This post is for me to check in with myself. I feel sad because I have lost a bit of weight, but I am worried it will not be enough. A goal would be to get down to 191 pounds, to have a BMI less than 35. Hopefully, my sister will kick my butt into gear with her hiking adventures IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS and I can drop a few more pounds. Okay, 10 pounds is the goal.

We had a great tour of the Marin Museum of Bicycling and Mountain Bike Hall of Fame. It was a fun and educational way to celebrate bike month. We also had a good time on the Blumenfield bike ride, which was on April 28th.

From what I read, again on reddit, the third period after egg retrieval is also late. So that may push things back a bit further. I am not really looking forward to hormone injections again. I am definitely afraid about the embryo transfer not working. But fear does not solve anything, so I am trying to stay focused on what I can do in the meantime (diet, exercise, weight loss) to create the best possible environment for success.